Welcome back to TBFF! Thanks for continuing with us on this journey! A big thank you goes out to Arwan, Addy White, and PrettyRecklessLaura, for reviewing the last chapter! Thanks for all of your support!
We have reached a milestone on this fanfic today. When I started editing the fanfic in May, it was only 89,000 words long. As of today, I am well over 189,000 words, which means I have added more than 100,000 words to the fanfic this summer! I can hardly believe I accomplished this, as pretty much all of my other fanfics are 30,000 words or less. I've recently felt the need to prove to myself that I could write something novel length and this story is definitely going to be exactly that. I am very pleased to have met my own personal goal!
Enjoy the latest installment of TBFF!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with Lord of the Rings or Tolkien Enterprises. I also do not own rights to Shaina Noll's song "Like a Ship in the Harbor."
ooOoo
To Be Forever Faithful
By: Ponytail Goddess
Chapter 50: Aftermath
An hour after giving birth, Belegwen found herself in quite the predicament. She was now holding a tiny elfling who was fussing softly, but she was uncertain of how to resolve the problem. She had been rocking him and speaking to him gently for nearly an hour now, but it did not seem to be helping. She had tried to feed him also, but could not seem to get the little one latched onto her breast.
She was starting to suspect the real culprit of Halendil's upheaval was the noise level of the caves, which had grown quite loud as of late. Indeed, several injured soldiers had been brought down the darkened stairwell at this point and some were lying rather close to her. They were all in varying states; some were sleeping soundly, as Linedhel had chanted to them until they fell into a healing rest. Others were moaning or even shouting in pain as they waited for the healer to tend them.
Their state was horrific. Belegwen had never seen such carnage in all her years. Many elves were brought down in such a poorly state that Linedhel was only able to make them comfortable while they waited for their inevitable demise. She had seen limbs being amputated from some, which was the result of being hit with a poisoned arrow or blade. Others had bones sticking out of their skin or weapons stuck painfully inside of them. Many were bruised and battered, a few completely beyond recognition. Belegwen feared she would never be able to forget the screams they emitted as Linedhel dutifully tended to them one by one.
Needless to say, this was no place for a newborn elfling. There was nowhere else to go though. Belegwen was uncertain if she could walk on her own after giving birth and was naked underneath the blanket Linedhel had covered her with. The undershirt and leggings she had worn underneath her armor were soaked with blood and in need of mending. She did not want to put them back on in that state; she could not bear the thought of orc and uruk-hai blood getting all over Halendil. No, that would never do.
On top of that, she was in desperate need of a bath. Belegwen now understood why Rumil had been so horrified by what he had seen as she gave birth. Belegwen had peeked under the blanket to see what state she was in and it was as terrible as he had indicated. A good amount of blood, fluid, and tissue had come out of her along with the little one and the entire mess was still down there, on the floor beneath the blanket.
She did not dare ask anyone for help right now though, as Linedhel and Esgalamon were both busy tending to those who were much worse off than her. Perhaps Rumil could help her find something else to wear when he returned. She knew the healing robes she had been wearing previously were probably still in the medical cart somewhere. Once Rumil came back, Belegwen decided she would have him fetch the tan and white robes for her.
Oh dearest Valar, she hoped he would come back!
Shortly after she had given birth, Rumil had insisted he must return to the battle, citing the numbers of elves and men had run low. Belegwen had seen first hand that it was true and knew the leaders would need every available being if they hoped to make some sort of last stand against the horde.
Rumil had proven to be just as bound to his duty as she and Haldir were and so Belegwen had understood when he jogged back up the stairwell towards the battle. Still, she was concerned something might happen to him, as she had seen the tiredness of his eyes and body while they had pushed through the masses to get back to the caves. Not knowing what else to do, she had prayed for him several times as she sat with her whimpering son in the darkness of the caves.
Belegwen had no idea what to do about the crying elfling. She was the youngest elf in her family and, because of the profession she had chosen, had never received an opportunity to hold a newly born elfling before. At least Linedhel had demonstrated that to her. She felt awkward with the little one in her arms though, as it was foreign to her.
Mentally, she started to panic a bit. What if she would not be a good naneth to Haldir's son? She knew next to nothing about elflings and was already feeling like a failure because she could not seem to comfort and soothe her little one.
Just as everything seemed particularly hopeless, a slew of foreign words startled Belegwen and caused her to look up from Halendil. It was two older women of Rohan, their faces creased with lines and their dark brown hair smattered with grey, which gave away their age. The pair seemed to be arguing as they stood beside her, although Belegwen could not be certain, as she did not speak Rohirric.
After the argument ceased, one of the women turned to her and knelt down beside her as the other stayed standing, looking away from Belegwen and fuming with crossed arms. The one who was kneeling beside her had kindness in her eyes as she glanced from the elfling to Belegwen. Upon looking at Belegwen, she smiled and it lit up her entire face. Belegwen found herself smiling back, albeit tentatively, as she listened to the woman speak to her in Rohirric.
"I do not speak Rohirric," Belegwen replied in Westron, hoping the woman might be able to communicate with her in that language. "Do you speak Westron?"
The woman seemed to understand her to an extent and held her thumb and pointer fingers close together as she replied in a thick accent, "A little."
Belegwen nodded and tried to think of how to proceed with the conversation. However, it became unnecessary as the woman started to try and converse with her in Westron. "New baby, yes?" She questioned, pointing to Halendil with a smile and a nod.
Immediately, Belegwen nodded back, her blue eyes meeting the woman's brown ones as she tried to figure out where the conversation was going. "You… baby, yes?" She asked, pointing to her legs and nodding. Belegwen was not certain what she meant by that until the woman grabbed up the far end of the blanket and looked underneath it, presumably seeing the disgusting mess her body had produced. "Yes," Belegwen heard her say to herself, seemingly answering her own question.
The woman then indicated to the other woman to come and look and they conversed in Rohirric once again as they both glanced under the blanket, much to Belegwen's discomfort. The one who had been angry before seemed a bit more sympathetic now and once they had finished their conversation, they put the blanket back down on her legs and both turned towards her.
She watched as the first woman pointed between herself and the other woman a couple of times before she said, "We… help you." Upon saying the word 'you,' the woman pointed to Belegwen, her finger roughly poking into her shoulder for emphasis.
Belegwen was shocked by this offer and did not say anything in return, though this did not stop the women from their plight. The one who had done all of the talking set about wrapping Belegwen's blanket tightly around her body, then tucked the excess edge in between her breasts. The woman stood up a few moments later and indicated with a hand gesture that Belegwen should also stand.
Upon standing up shakily, Belegwen noticed the second woman had collected her bloodied attire and was holding it in her arms. Both women stood in front of her and moved their hands as if to say 'come.' Belegwen hesitantly followed them, clutching Halendil tightly in her arms, as they led her into the area of the cave that was laden with women and children. Belegwen received many curious stares as she passed through their masses.
The three females weaved through the crowd until they had went all the way to the unlit back walls of the cave. The woman who had spoken to her patted on a large boulder, indicating for Belegwen to sit down upon it. Before she knew what was happening, two more women were beside her, one carrying a couple of rags, a bar of soap, and a bucket of steaming water. The other, who appeared to be the eldest amongst them with a braid that was completely white, knelt by her side and took her hand in her own. "Hello. I have been told you speak Westron. Is this true?" She asked, smiling gently at her.
"Yes, I speak Westron." Belegwen replied, relieved to finally be able to communicate with one of them. "I was told you would be helping me?" She questioned curiously.
"Oh yes, it has long been the tradition of elder women in our village to assist new mothers. My dear friend here noticed you had given birth and thought you might need help because there do not seem to be any other women in your company." She said, pointing to the first woman who had spoken to her, who smiled brightly once again.
"Thank you. You were right—I do not know how to get my son to stop crying." She said as she flushed with embarrassment. What must these humans think of the elves if she could not even complete so simple a task on her own?
"Do not be embarrassed my dear. Having a child is not easy and does not come naturally to everyone. You are able though; you will learn, just as all mothers do." She reassured her and then asked, "May I see your baby?"
Belegwen awkwardly maneuvered the elfling so the woman could get a good look at him. Immediately, her hand went to touch the pointed tip of his ear, as if perplexed by it. "He is very small," she mused, "Since he has come early, he will need to be fed often. Let us try to feed the babe and see if it soothes him."
Without asking permission, she undid the knot at the top of the blanket and it immediately fell down to Belegwen's waist, baring her breasts to all the women. Belegwen was embarrassed at being exposed in front of complete strangers, but the women did not seem phased by it in the least. She supposed they had helped so many women in the past that it was hardly even a thing they thought about. Thus, she breathed deeply and tried to get past her discomfort.
Belegwen held Halendil up to her breast once more, but the elfling was not taking hold of it. "Not like that. Do this." The woman corrected, then mimicked how Belegwen should get the child to take hold. Belegwen did as she was told and was rewarded with her son finally gripping onto her as intended. Belegwen looked up at the woman with amazement, then back to her precious son, who was finally eating as he should.
"Thank you." She said as she breathed a sigh of relief, already very grateful for the help the women were providing. "You have blessed me greatly this night. What is your name, kind woman?"
"I am Binia, midwife to the women of Rohan. My fellow women are Hemma, Edlyn, and Merla." She replied, lastly indicating the woman who had first come to get her. Belegwen nodded and then bowed low and touched her forehead to show the woman who had noticed her need the utmost respect. She smiled back at her and laid a comforting hand on her shoulder as she watched the elfling eat.
"And what is your name, she-elf?" Binia asked.
"I am Belegwen," she replied, "Second in Command of the Lothlorien wardens."
"You are a general of the ranks? A she-elf?!" Binia asked, clearly shocked. Belegwen listened as Binia told the other women in Rohirric and they talked excitedly amongst themselves for several minutes. Belegwen had a feeling she was the center of the conversation, as they would look down at her periodically. Merla was even so bold as to indicate the muscular form of her arms, perhaps showing it was proof of her claimed status. Hemma pointed out her stomach wounds and the disaster that was her face. Belegwen was very aware that she looked awful from being punched and scratched by orcs and uruk-hai.
Finally, Binia turned her attention back to Belegwen, her eyes still filled with surprise. "Pardon our reaction, but we have never heard of such a thing amongst the elves before. Even amongst men, women are not allowed to hold such positions. How have you accomplished this?"
Belegwen had never been asked this before. She sat thinking about how to answer it, then simply settled on, "Determination, grit, and stubbornness. Much, much stubbornness."
Binia chuckled a bit, then reached once again for the bucket Edlyn had brought over to her. "Indeed? Very well then, General Belegwen, shall we get you cleaned up? Edlyn has offered to tend to your clothes while Merla helps me wash you up."
Belegwen nodded and allowed them to pull the blanket off of her completely. Hemma held the blanket up to block onlookers from seeing her as Merla and Binia set about cleaning the blood and fluids off of her legs with the wet rags, periodically stopping to rub the bar of soap against their rags before continuing. The two were gentle, but thorough in their cleaning of her. They worked their way up her body until they could go no further without disturbing Halendil.
By this time, the little ellon had finished his meal and was quietly sleeping in her arms. It was then that Merla set her rag into the bucket and held out her arms as if to receive the elfling. "Please?" She asked, clearly desiring to hold Halendil while Binia finished cleaning her. Belegwen found that she could not tell the smiley woman no and gently held her son out to her.
She watched as Merla cradled Halendil with the utmost care, smiling down at his sleeping visage. "Beautiful." She whispered, looking at Belegwen. "So beautiful."
Belegwen smiled in spite of the wave of sadness that passed over her. The elfling was beautiful because he looked like Haldir. Quickly, she took a deep breath and somehow managed to contain her tears this time around. However, her sadness must have been evident because Binia's hand was suddenly resting on her shoulder. When Belegwen met her eyes, she knew the eldest woman knew. She said nothing, but there was solidarity between them, as they both knew how terrible the losses were on this fateful night.
Binia quickly finished washing her body and then moved onto her hair, first washing it and then brushing it. She finished by putting it into one long silver braid down her back.
Belegwen had never worn her hair fully pulled back in this way, as the elves greatly appreciated long, flowing hair that was often adorned with a few ornamental braids. However, she did not want to offend the women who were helping her so much, so she said nothing and allowed it to be done. It felt strange to Belegwen, but she could not deny that it was convenient, as it kept all of her hair out of her face with ease. Belegwen also knew for certain that what Binia had done surely looked better than anything she would have tried on her own.
After waiting a few minutes, Edlyn brought her clothing back to her. The pieces were were still damp, but no longer smelled like blood. Instead, they smelled like the soap she had been bathed in moments ago. Belegwen put on her black breeches and matching undershirt quickly, taking note that the holes from Erthalion's sword had been sewn up neatly. She bowed in thanks to Edlyn, who smiled appreciatively back at her.
She turned to Merla to retrieve Halendil from her, only to find that Binia was now holding him and beginning to sing to the little one, who appeared to be stirring from his slumber. Belegwen watched as his eyes blinked a bit and then froze once again in reverie upon hearing the older woman's voice.
"Like a ship in the harbor,
Like a mother and child,
Like a light in the darkness,
I'll hold you awhile.
We'll rock on the water,
I'll cradle you deep,
And hold you while angels…
Sing you to sleep."
Belegwen smiled at the older woman as she handed Belegwen's sleeping son back to her gently, trying not to wake the darling elfling. Belegwen once again whispered her thanks to the older woman as she took Halendil back into her arms.
"I have a few gifts for you before we send you back to the other elves, my dear. First, I have some cloth diapers for you to use on your little one. Second, a long cloth for you to use as a baby wrap. It will hold your little one securely to your body so you can do things while holding him." Binia said, then helped her unwrap Halendil from his blanket and showed her how to tie the diaper onto him.
Next, Binia showed her how to tie the wrap, demonstrating first on herself, then helping Belegwen to put the wrap on while holding the elfling. Soon Halendil's tiny form was tied comfortably and securely to her body and Belegwen merely had to hold his head and neck with one hand while carrying him around on her front.
Once Belegwen had Halendil strapped to her body, she felt much relief. The women had indeed provided her with all the help she had needed and she was very much in their debt. Bowing low, Belegwen touched her forehead as she acknowledged all they had done for her, an outsider and a stranger, during a time of war. "Thank you for everything, good women of Rohan. I will never forget the act of kindness you have bestowed upon me tonight."
"We bid you a fond farewell, General Belegwen of Lothlorien. May the sun always shine upon you and the grass always be green underneath your feet." Binia said as Belegwen stood back up. Though she hardly knew her, Binia gave her a gentle hug, being careful not to bump the sleeping elfling Belegwen was wearing. Belegwen tensed up momentarily, as elves often did not hug one another unless they were family or lovers, but did eventually hug her back, as it seemed to be the only courteous way to respond.
When she stepped back from the hug, Merla smiled at her once more and bid her farewell saying, "Peace." She hugged Belegwen also and this time, she was prepared to hug the smiley woman back right away. The other two women simply waved, smiling compassionately as Belegwen looked upon them all one last time and committed their kind act to her memory. Slowly, she then turned around and walked back to the side of the caves where the elves were to search for Rumil.
ooOoo
"Belegwen?" Rumil questioned out loud as he searched for his sister amongst the elves lying on the floor in the cave. He had already trekked back to where he had left her earlier in the night and had only found her bloodied armor abandoned on the floor. He looked through the mass of elves lying on the floor, but saw no sign of Belegwen. Rumil started to panic as he wandered around in search of her.
Had something happened to her while he was gone? And what of Halendil? Was his premature nephew still well? What if something had happened to the youngling while he was gone?
"Belegwen!" He called out into the cave. His voice echoed back at him as he turned around frantically to search behind him, in case he had somehow passed her up by accident. "Belegwen!"
Rumil stopped to ask a few wandering elves if they had seen her, but none of them had. He took yet another stroll through the bodies lying on the ground, but saw no sign of her. He even looked upstairs once again, trying to see if she had dared to enter the great hall for something. He fretted as he returned to the caves because there was no sign of her up there either.
A large wooden cart carrying the dead bodies of several elves and men was being wheeled around the edge of the makeshift healing center Linedhel had set up in the caves. Fearing the worst, Rumil started to walk over to it with a haunted look in his blue eyes.
Surely… surely they were not over there, were they?
"Rumil?" A feminine voice asked from behind him. He whipped around and felt a huge breath of relief pass through him as he saw his sister standing in front of him.
"Oh, thank the Valar! I could not find you and I was starting to fear the worst!" He cried out and almost hugged her, but at the last minute decided against it when he saw that his nephew was oddly tied against Belegwen's body with a large cloth. He was covered in blood, amongst other things, and did not want to rub the mess onto the youngling. "Is Halendil still well?"
"Yes, he has eaten and cried now. Linedhel will be happy to hear it when he has a moment, I am certain." She said, glancing down at the head of the little one, which rested gently between her chest and hand.
Rumil now looked over Belegwen very closely and was put off by the scent coming off of her. "You both smell and look like a woman." He pointed out as he noticed the single braid that was cascading down her back. "Belegwen, what has happened to you tonight and why are you carrying your son in a sling?"
"Some elderly women amongst the Rohirrim have helped me clean up and tend to Halendil. I owe them much Rumil." She answered Rumil gently, clearly annoyed with his assessment of her. "As for the sling, it is called a baby wrap and it will help me walk around with Halendil without having to use both of my hands. It was a gift, one which has already proven helpful."
Rumil frowned, still feeling uncomfortable that Belegwen both looked and smelled so much like the second born. "Can I at least redo your hair? You do not look like an elf right now and it is offputting." He started to reach for her braid, but was immediately stopped by Belegwen's free hand.
"No," Belegwen said firmly. "It would be offensive to them if they saw. I will not be one to refuse help in times like these. I will leave it in until we have left the fortress. Once we are on the road, you may do as you like."
He frowned deeply at Belegwen, unhappy with his sister's answer, but resigned to it. Belegwen seemed to sense his displeasure and tried to smooth things over with him immediately.
"Rumil, let us not be angry with one another. Are you well? What happened in the battle after I left?"
"I am not horribly injured, if that is what you are asking." He said calmly, though inside he felt many deep, dark emotions that he was unaccustomed to, all of them stemming from the battle. The things he had seen on this night were horrible and he was far from being well, especially having lost the only brother he had left. However, he was able to garner a bit of happiness from the situation as he shared with Belegwen news from the battlefield.
"You will never believe it Belegwen—Gilhoth was somehow able to lead a final charge against the enemy! He got together as many able-bodied elves as were available and, following hand signals from the king, they were both able to lead the final attack! Our numbers were low, but the soldiers fought fiercely and a large army of Rohirrim showed up ere long to vanquish the remaining orcs! The victory is ours!" He exclaimed, excited to announce the one positive amid a great pool of negatives.
"We have won?" Belegwen questioned, appearing shocked at this new information. Indeed, it had not seemed possible to Rumil either, but good had won over evil on this day. "We have won…" He heard her whisper to herself as she looked at the ground, quickly becoming lost in her own thoughts.
"At what cost though?" Rumil thought to himself as he looked around the makeshift healing center in horror. So many elves and men had suffered greatly because of this battle and even more were lost. Rumil frowned as he realized precisely who would be responsible for letting the families of dead soldiers know about their fate.
It was a heavy burden that awaited Belegwen upon their return home. Rumil shuddered at the thought.
"I must lead us home." He vaguely heard Belegwen say as he became lost in his own depressing thoughts. When she addressed him though, his attention immediately snapped onto her. "Rumil, do you know where Gilhoth is? I will need to go and debrief with him."
"I last saw him upstairs in the great hall," Rumil replied distractedly as his eyes caught sight of Heledhril's still form lying on the floor. The elf did not appear to be injured, but was as pale as a spirit and laid so still that it looked as if he was dead.
Rumil could not help but wonder what power was it that he had wielded during the battle. Whatever it had been, he had definitely saved them repeatedly with it and Rumil was very grateful for what he had done.
Had Heledhril somehow paid the ultimate price for protecting them?
His thoughts were interrupted though when he caught sight of Belegwen's hand just before it touched his forehead. Rumil watched as she concentrated and then he felt the familiar warmth of spirit healing washing across the gash in his head. When she was done, the pain was completely gone and Rumil could barely feel where the injury had been.
"Are you injured anywhere else Rumil?" Belegwen asked quietly, looking him over from head to toe in an assessment of her own.
"Just bruises gwathel. Thank you though; that was appreciated." He said as her hand fell away from his forehead and back down to her side.
"I am going to go and find Gilhoth now," Belegwen said, leaving him alone with his overwhelmingly dark thoughts once again. Turning away from his sister, he looked around at the state of the elves around him once more.
How great the price was indeed.
ooOoo
"Gilhoth!" Belegwen exclaimed as she caught sight of the white blonde elf amid the injured men who were mulling around the great hall. He heard her voice immediately and looked around until he found her. The newest marchwarden made his way through the masses and came to a halt a few paces away from her.
Gilhoth was not an elf that Belegwen had known particularly well over the years. She took a moment to look him over. He was of an average height and build, only a little taller than she. He had a very strong stance, which was emphasized by the armor he wore. His face gave away few of his thoughts currently, though perhaps it was because of the war. Belegwen had noticed earlier that several of the most animated elves had appeared withdrawn this morning and Gilhoth was no exception.
His entire form was covered from head to toe in splattered orc blood. The blue liquid was all over his armor, white-blonde hair, and strong face. His grey eyes met hers and held them for a moment, then glanced down to the elfling in her arms. His eyebrows raised in astonishment as he met her eyes once again.
Belegwen did not give him a chance to bring up the taboo topic of her son though. Instead, she said, "Come, there is much to discuss." With that said, she turned around and walked into a quiet corner of the hall, fully expecting him to follow her.
When she turned around again, she got right to the point. "Did I offend you earlier by taking command Gilhoth?"
"What? No, of course not. You were correct—I did not know what to do in the moment. You helped me get my head back on straight though, which was appreciated." He replied promptly, his eyes straying to her elfling once again. "Are you well though? And the elfling as well? I did not realize you were in such a state until Rumil said something about it when we reached the great hall."
"Yes, we are both going to be fine Gilhoth. Now, let us focus-"
"Is it Haldir's son?" He asked bluntly, meeting her eyes with a look of worry.
Belegwen felt her lip quiver and hastily started to study the grey cobblestones beneath her feet as she caught herself before she burst into tears. Swallowing her pain as best she could, she replied with a twisted, unnatural sounding voice, "Yes."
In this moment, she realized precisely how hard everything would be now. There was no way to hide the relationship she had with Haldir at this point. The predicament they were in had not seemed so bad when Haldir had been with her to back up her side of the story, just as he had when they had spoken with Prince Legolas. What assumptions would be drawn about her and Haldir now that he was gone and had left her with no ring or proclamation of his commitment?
Could she stand the knowing glances and accusatory eyes that she was bound to face?
Belegwen and Haldir had not only broken the warden's code, but also created an elfling without saying their vows before Eru Iluvatar. It would be very easy for the traditional elves of Lothlorien to now look down on her for not adhering to one of their most important customs.
It would be very easy for them to assume she had not been his wife.
As she started to panic internally, she felt Gilhoth's hand come to rest on her shoulder. She looked up at him and was surprised to find a most sympathetic look on his previously hardened face. He stood there watching her for a moment, before saying, "You have lost much on this night Marchwarden. You have my condolences."
Unwilling to let Gilhoth see her cry, Belegwen turned away from him and pulled herself together as quickly as she could manage. Immediately, she rebuked him. "Gilhoth, this is not how marchwardens operate. We need to be strong enough to put our personal emotions behind us and put on a brave face for the other soldiers. We must be able to focus on the task at hand without becoming distracted by grief or other feelings." She said, hardening her heart as the callous words exited her mouth. This was what Haldir had taught her and, in this moment of unbearable pain, it was advice she heeded for her own self-preservation.
To hide her feelings would be the only way she could continue on right now.
She turned back to him to see that he was looking particularly frustrated with her; his hands were crossed over his chest insolently as he raised his nose to her with no little amount of disdain. "I am sorry Belegwen, but I will have to respectfully disagree with you. My emotions show other soldiers that I care for them; no, they are not a sign of weakness, but one of great strength!" He proclaimed authoritatively.
"All the elves here have lost beloved friends and family members on this night. To empathize with them as a group will bring us closer to one another, which is what we need in times like these. Do you not see it?" He asked with one eyebrow cocked up to question her.
Belegwen could indeed see the merit in Gilhoth's argument and Belegwen's respect for Gilhoth grew because of it. There was nothing wrong with caring for others; such feelings were born out of love and were among the purest emotions elves could feel for one another. Such love and care had been bestowed upon Belegwen earlier in the night when the women of Rohan had helped her and she was extremely grateful for it.
How odd that this elf, who was perhaps the only one crazy enough to accept the mantle of marchwarden in her stead, now seemed more and more like the correct choice. The Valar worked in mysterious ways and, though Belegwen knew Haldir had been frustrated about giving this honor to Gilhoth, Belegwen now saw the elf's best qualities and suddenly felt he was the best choice.
Gilhoth was willing to stand up for what he thought was right, even if others disagreed with him, including herself. Gilhoth cared enough about her as another elf to inquire about her well-being and to worry about her when he found out Haldir had passed away and left her with an elfling. Moreover, Gilhoth had willingly given his control over to Belegwen during the battle without a fuss, knowing that she was the best choice as a leader.
The power of being a marchwarden had not gotten to his head. No, Gilhoth was humble, gentle, and strong all at the same time…
Haldir had chosen well.
Despite Gilhoth's compelling argument, Belegwen still was uncertain if showing her emotions to the other wardens would be a good move for her personally. She had long been convinced that showing her feelings as a warden would result in ellyn refusing to take her seriously. Having the soldiers trust her now was more important than it ever had been before though, especially with what she planned to do.
She did not think she could risk such a thing as being emotional in front of them. It had the potential to ruin everything. Thus, Belegwen answered Gilhoth's question in a very uncommitted way. "There is… perhaps… some merit to that view, though it goes against what Haldir has taught me."
"Have it your way then Belegwen." Gilhoth said, shaking his head in a way that told her that he thought she was making a mistake. "I know for a fact that even Haldir did not always feel that way. Though Haldir was shy when he was young, I could see he was much more open with his closest friends and none of them thought any less of him for it." Gilhoth reminisced with a small chuckle. "His friends did tease him a bit because of it, as he wore his heart on his sleeve around ellyth. Indeed, he was always staring at-"
Gilhoth stopped speaking abruptly. His eyes met hers and widened considerably. In that moment, they were both thinking the exact same thing.
Oh dear Vala, Gilhoth had figured out Haldir's darkest secret!
Belegwen blushed and looked down. If Gilhoth was able to figure out that Haldir had unrequited love for her over the last 3,000 years, surely others would be able to deduce it as well. The way rumors spread like wildfire amongst the soldiers, it was obvious that if one elf found out, everyone was going to know.
Everyone was going to know!
Belegwen swallowed her fear back down as she awkwardly stared at Gilhoth in disbelief. Neither of them knew what to say now. Quickly, Belegwen decided to change the topic after clearing her throat. "Now then, I have heard from Rumil about your bravery tonight—how you led the remaining elves in a last stand against evil and prevailed with the help of the Rohirrim. I am gladdened to hear it and impressed by how you took my spot so readily after I became injured."
"I had a great teacher, one who came to the battle with a tactical plan that I was sorely lacking," he said, smiling sadly. "If only I had learned sooner, perhaps more of us would still be alive to tell the tale."
"You did all you could with what little information you had," Belegwen argued, not wanting this kind elf to blame himself for something that was very much out of his control. "That is all anyone could ask of you."
She watched as Gilhoth's visage contorted into a pain-filled look momentarily before he sighed and then looked very tired. "I am here to ask for your support Gilhoth. We both know the council has voted for me to step down, yet I know if we work together to get the soldiers home, all the ranks will benefit from it. Can I count on you to back me up as a marchwarden?" She asked warily, wishing things were different.
"Of course Belegwen," Gilhoth answered most assuredly. "It is your duty to lead as marchwarden and I welcome your guidance as a teacher and trainer. I can already tell that I will learn much from you."
"Very good. I will be asking for the ranks to support me when I address them. I would like for you to gather all the elves who are in good enough shape to listen at sunset and I will speak with the entire group about the journey home." She said, inwardly cringing as she had no idea what she would say to the masses to try and win them over to her side.
Belegwen closed her eyes as she thought about her next request for Gilhoth. It was difficult, but she needed him to take charge one other thing. "Gilhoth… there is another task I need you to complete as well." She said shakily, pausing for a moment to get a hold of herself before continuing. "We are too far from home to bring our dead back with us. I need you to take some capable soldiers and bury our dead here." She said, trailing off as the reality of this necessity set in.
She would have to leave Haldir here.
Haldir did not get to come home, but would simply have an unmarked grave in a foreign land. It broke her heart, as it was unbefitting to him, both as a high-ranking officer and as the ellon she loved.
There was no other choice though. It had taken them over two months to travel to Helm's Deep and there was no good way to preserve the bodies for the trip back. The elves who died here would have to stay here forever.
Belegwen watched as Gilhoth also seemed to get emotional at the thought. No elf was going to like this idea, but something had to be done. They could not just leave their loved ones lying around. No, they deserved the dignity of a proper burial and could easily receive that small mercy here. It was the least they could do to honor the pricey sacrifice their loved ones had made on their behalf.
"But Haldir!" Her heart cried out, abhorring the thought of leaving him in this land of men. "Not Haldir!" It seemed to shout, though no one could hear its plea.
"I plan to go and help Linedhel tend the wounded," she murmured quietly as they both vacillated over the decision. Neither one of them could bear to look the other in the eye at this point. "…for he has taught me some of his craft and there are many who still need help."
"I will do this for you marchwarden." Gilhoth answered with the slightest of nods. "We will honor the dead with a respectful burial and pay homage to their noble lives as best we can."
"Thank you Gilhoth." She said softly, looking down at Halendil's sleeping form to try and distract her from the pain of Haldir's untimely fate. They stood in silence for several moments, but then Belegwen's breath caught in her mouth as Gilhoth asked her the unspoken question that still lingered between them.
"Would you like for me to come and get you when… when we go to bury him?" He asked softly with a sympathetic tone of voice.
Belegwen thought about it for a long while, then quickly shook her head no and walked back down the stairs towards the caves. She had already said goodbye to Haldir in her mind's eye and she knew she could not endure it a second time.
ooOoo
Hour after hour passed as Belegwen walked the dank, dimly lit caves and tended to one elf at a time. She stitched up many deep cuts in the low light and staunched an unending number of bleeding wounds to the best of her ability. Occasionally, she used spirit healing on those whom needed it the most, but tried to conserve as much energy as she could for her task at sunset.
From time to time, she would glance over at the glistening wall of the cave, which was where Rumil had been sitting and holding Halendil all day long. During her few moments of reprieve, Belegwen had watched as he rocked the little one, sometimes whispering things in his ears when he started to fuss.
At one point, she had also heard his fine tenor voice singing to him the song about Nimrodel. Belegwen had not known that Rumil could sing, but was pleased to hear his lovely clear voice ring out softly in the cave, echoing against the walls and soothing not only the elfling, but several of the nearby injured and suffering elves as well.
When she returned to nurse Halendil, she had asked Rumil what he was whispering to the little ellon. "I am telling him about Haldir," he admitted quietly, a tear falling from his fair eye. "It is important for him to know stories about his adar." Belegwen had nodded in agreement and the two had immediately ceased conversing about the topic, both trying not to do things that would cause the other to fall into a state of despair again.
Once she returned to her post of helping the wounded, Belegwen could not help but mull over Gilhoth's words…
My emotions show other soldiers that I care for them; no, they are not a sign of weakness, but one of great strength!"
Had Haldir been wrong in his actions? Was Gilhoth truly right in saying there was power in showing the ranks that she felt the same as them? That her heart bled just as theirs did for the lost immortal lives, which had been taken so painfully from them last night? How would they react if she cried over her loss as she spoke with them about the journey home?
Belegwen rarely found herself in conundrums as complicated as this and did not know what to do. She knew what Haldir would do, but wondered if it was truly the right thing. Perhaps appealing to their mutual likeness would be the best bet to win them over to her once more…
By the time sundown rolled around, a decision had been made in her mind. After washing up as best she could, Belegwen walked over to Rumil, took hold of her son, and wrapped him against her chest with the long cloth until he felt secure against her body.
"You are planning to tell them all, are you not?" Rumil asked as he curiously watched her tie the wrap, which was not a thing the elves typically used with their little ones.
"Yes. They will find out anyway; at least, those who do not already know about it. There will be no way to hide a crying elfling on our two month journey home." She replied, already resigned to the task ahead of her.
"Would you like for me to stand with you?" Rumil asked gently. "I would show my support of you and claim you as my sister in front of them all. Perhaps it would help." He suggested.
Indeed, Belegwen knew she was about to face a great challenge. Many of the elves had already seen the elfling and there would be quite the slew of rumors by the time Belegwen arrived on stage. Her imagination feared the worst—that the elves would think she had manipulated Haldir for her position as Marchwarden or worse, that she had been a mere dalliance in the unmarried warrior's life.
Belegwen shivered. She did not want other elves to sully her memories of Haldir's love. She would have to be firm today and stand upon what she knew in her heart was true.
"You may come and stand beside me." Belgewen replied slowly. "It will also give me someone to pass Halendil off to, should he wake up and start to cry.
Together, the two walked silently up to the keep where Gilhoth had gathered the soldiers who were able. There was much whispering amongst them as Belegwen proceeded to the front of the crowd, finding a short brick pedestal at the front that had been intended to boost her above the crowd.
Gilhoth waited for her by the pedestal and bowed to her with his hand over his heart as she ascended the pedestal. He touched her arm before she could step up the final stair and whispered, "We have not finished the burials yet, but I have left a few elves working on it. The task will be completed by nightfall."
Belegwen nodded in response, then continued to the podium with Rumil following behind her dutifully. When she faced the small crowd of elves, her heart fell. So many were injured, bruised and bandaged, with even more missing. Though they had found victory, their faces spoke of hopelessness and defeat in wake of their massive losses. Her heart fell for the families in Caras Galadhon who were waiting for their loved ones to return. Many of them never would.
Then, to Belegwen's utter surprise, she watched as the soldiers unexpectedly bowed before her, just as Gilhoth had, with their hands on their hearts as a show of respect. Belegwen's eyes widened and not knowing what to do, simply stood there for a few moments, absolutely speechless at the demonstration before her. Haldir's words to her once again filled her mind as she remembered what he had told her after the attack on Lothlorien…
"They recognize that you sacrificed yourself for their welfare and the good of Lothlorien. You have earned their respect."
Belegwen felt tears gathering in her eyes as she realized that he was right. They still respected her, both for what she had done in Lothlorien and for what she had done here. Perhaps she had fretted for nothing. Perhaps they would accept her yet.
She met several of their eyes directly as she dug down deep within herself for the right words on this tragic occasion. "Let us first have a moment of silence for the fallen." She said calmly, then lowered herself to one knee in a show of respect for the fallen. The elves of the crowd followed her dutifully and all was silent other than the wind that blew mildly at the top of the keep.
After several moments of silence, a voice rang out amongst the elves. It was pure and seamless, the voice of a well-seasoned vocalist. Belegwen lifted her head to see Palantil, one of Lothlorien's most gifted singers, presenting a song of the elves in honor of the fallen. It was one that many knew, The Fall of Gil-Galad.
"Gil-galad was an Elven-king.
Of him the harpers sadly sing;
The last whose realm was fair and free,
Between the mountains and the sea.
His sword was long, his lance was keen.
His shining helm afar was seen;
The countless stars of heaven's field,
Were mirrored in his silver shield.
But long ago he rode away,
And where he dwelleth none can say;
For into darkness fell his star,
In Mordor where the shadows are."
Palantil started to sing it a second time and when he did, Belegwen got to her feet and started to sing along with him as best she could. The lovely tenor voices of the other elves joined in too, some adding in homophonic harmonies, while others simply mimicked the melody they all knew well. The choir of fair voices melded into one hauntingly perfect sound that went on and on, blazing through the bright pinks and oranges of the setting sun. The elves poured their weeping souls into the words as they sang out their sorrows to all of Arda. Even when the song was done, the feeling that remained carried on within their hearts as a meaningful silence set upon them.
"It is with great sadness that I stand before you today, as it marks the passing of our longtime marchwarden, Haldir." Belegwen projected strongly, doing her best to control her emotions as she said his name aloud. "Haldir was known for greatness in life and his passing is felt deeply by us all… perhaps most deeply by me." She continued, grasping for every last bit of strength left within her as she mentally prepared herself to reveal the truth.
"I stand here now to ask your forgiveness, as I have wronged you all with my actions. I hope that as I explain myself, you will find I had only hoped to protect you by doing what I did and that nothing I have done was out of ill-will towards anyone here."
Belegwen took a minute to swallow her pride and then continued. "What the council has determined about Haldir and I is true. We did break the warden's code together, but it was I who lied before the council to protect him. I chose to take the blame for the moment we shared in the forest, as I feared there would be no one to lead you at the battle if we were both removed from our positions. Thus, I took responsibility for what happened between us."
"In life, our feelings for one another were mutual though. I was in love with Haldir and… I still am." She said, pausing as she felt her pain welling up within her. Belegwen closed her eyes and continued.
"I have no ring or vow from him to prove this, but there is one thing that remains…" She said, gently pulling Halendil from the cloth and holding him in her arms so all could see him. There were many gasps as some of the elves who had not yet noticed the elfling's presence became aware of him. "This is Halendil Haldirion, who was born to me just last night. He is the evidence of Haldir's love for me and a lasting memory of our late marchwarden."
She paused as whispers broke out amongst the small crowd of elves. Belegwen held unyieldingly to her confidence that Halendil would be enough evidence for the elves to believe her story. An elfling, after all, had to be agreed on by two willing elves who were in love to be created. Surely Halendil's very existence would be enough to confirm her story to the soldiers before her; she was counting on it. Belegwen gave them a few more seconds to murmur amongst themselves as she passed her son off to Rumil, who was standing dutifully behind her.
"Thank you gwathel." He acknowledged loud enough for the others to hear, which started another round of whispers. Rumil was right; his acknowledgement of her as his sister had indeed meant something to the elves. Belegwen smiled sadly at him before she turned back to the soldiers and continued. They quickly quieted down to hear her words.
"I know there are those who would claim Haldir's love for me is the reason I am marchwarden today. I would hope that my actions towards you have proven otherwise though. I have done all I can to prove my worth to you. As for Haldir and I, neither of us set out to fall in love with one another. Love is fickle and unexpected at times, and it slowly crept up on us as he trained me for this very post. I am certain many of you have experienced something similar with your own wives." At this point, Belegwen dared to look into the crowd and saw a few heads nodding in agreement.
Some of them knew. Some of them understood.
Belegwen braced herself, feeling more confident now that she knew she had gotten through to at least some of them. "While I hope you can forgive me for the lie that I told, I will not be asking for any forgiveness concerning my marriage to Haldir. Though the warden's code forbid it, I do not find anything offensive about falling in love with Haldir and I will never regret being with him. Never." She declared firmly, not leaving any room in her voice for a debate on the matter.
"Now, I know the council has taken my title, but I would ask your permission today to take it back until we return to Lothlorien. Our numbers are few and we will need all the help we can get to make it home safely with our injured ellyn. If you will allow me to, I will lead you home safely with Gilhoth's help."
She looked out at the wardens to try and gauge their reactions. Many were nodding and placing their fists firmly on their hearts to show they agreed. Suddenly, a dark blonde elf pushed his way to the front of the crowd and stepped onto the podium authoritatively.
It was Eregdol.
Belegwen stared at him, uncertain of what to expect from this elf who was vehemently against her during the council meeting. He did not say anything to her though, but instead addressed the crowd before them.
"Only one vote was needed to change the council's mind on this matter and I have decided to change my vote." He said, glancing quickly over to Belegwen. "I vote in favor of Belegwen leading us home. The majority is in Belegwen's favor now, which means she may resume her position as marchwarden." He announced, then quickly stepped back off the podium, not bothering to say anything to Belegwen before he left. Though she was befuddled by this behavior from Eregdol of all elves, Belegwen somehow managed to continue speaking.
"It is settled then. Tomorrow at sunrise, we will prepare to take our journey home. Tonight, we must rest and recuperate while we are in the safety of these massive walls. In the morning, all able-bodied soldiers will be responsible for getting our sick and injured onto the extra carts to be taken home with us. Our dead have been buried here; may their souls find peace in Mandos' embrace." She said, nearly losing control of herself as she thought again of Haldir and how he would remain resting here in this foreign land.
Gilhoth must have noticed Belegwen was hurting, as he climbed up on the podium and stood beside her at once. "I think something is owed to our new Marchwarden." He started, sounding very confident with his words. Startled, Belegwen looked over at him, confused about what her counterpart was asking of the soldiers.
"The greatest tragedy that has befallen us tonight is that of young Halendil, who no longer has an adar. It is the way of the Galadhrim to take care of one another though, and so I ask you, fine ellyn of Lothlorien: Who here will pledge to help take care of this youngling in Haldir's stead? Who will act as an adar to this elfling, now that his own flesh and blood has made the ultimate sacrifice on your account?"
Belegwen's eyes went wide as she scanned the crowd to see the reaction to Gilhoth's query. Beside her, she immediately felt Rumil brush against her as he stepped next to her on the podium and said, "I will." Looking to her other side, she saw Gilhoth was also looking at her, patting his heart with his fist in agreement.
What was even more astounding though was the crowd of elves before her. There were those she had known all her life mixed with some she barely knew, all beating their hands over their hearts in firm agreement. Even some of the Imladris elves pounded their hearts in agreement, so touched they were by her predicament. Belegwen let her unbelieving eyes glance over them, one by one, studying the dedicated looks on their faces. There was Valtaur… Linros… even Eregdol, whom Belegwen had previously assumed hated her, looked committed to Halendil's cause.
A tear fell down Belegwen's cheek before she even knew she was crying. Quickly, she wiped it away and tried to speak, but found she could not. During this moment, Gilhoth leaned in to her ear and whispered, "You have done well tonight, Belegwen. I hope this will solidify your confidence in us. We all want you as marchwarden and we will not leave you to the task of parenthood on your own."
"Thank you Gilhoth." Belegwen whispered back, wiping another tear from her face before addressing the crowd. "I am touched by your love and consideration for myself and Halendil. Thank you all for your pledge. Please, go and take your rest now so that you might be refreshed before sunrise."
Belegwen watched as the elves dispersed, some going back into the keep while others lingered to speak amongst themselves. A small crowd of soldiers had appeared around Rumil to see the elfling, which he showed them proudly. Belegwen was about to join him when she heard a voice urgently shouting her name.
The rushing sound of clumsy feet clattered towards her as she turned to find Linedhel, pushing through the elves around him rather gracelessly with an unreadable expression on his face. When he reached her, Belegwen immediately inquired, "What has happened? What do you need?"
"Belegwen," he breathed, seemingly out of breath from running, "You must come at once. Come with me." He said, then grabbed her arm and started to pull her from the stone podium.
She resisted for a moment, but could not remove herself from his grasp as he pulled her down the two steps and started to pull her back towards the entrance to the caves. "I do not understand Linedhel! What is going on?!" She asked worriedly as he started to descend the darkened stairs with her in tow.
"Just come! Quickly!" He shouted frantically, clearly frustrated by her resistance. Belegwen's heart started to beat more quickly and her feet matched her heartbeat's pace as she stopped resisting and allowed Linedhel to lead her. Linedhel was always even tempered and so Belegwen knew something was wrong and feared what she was about to see.
She followed him behind the healing cart to find a sheet tied between the cart and the cave wall, blocking the silhouette of an elf that was lying motionless on the ground. Belegwen froze as she caught sight of the elf's feet as Linedhel pushed the sheet away from the cart and stepped behind it.
It wasn't.
It could not be.
Belegwen shakily pulled back the curtain to see who was there, then immediately cringed in pain. Haldir's pale form was lying on the ground, unmoving.
"Linedhel!" She exclaimed in horror, then put a hand over her eyes to block the sight of him as she quickly turned to exit back the way she came. "I told Gilhoth I did not want to see him like this! No!"
Tears streaked down her face as she bent over; it was as if her mental distress was causing her actual physical pain. She desperately gasped for air loudly as she fell to her knees. The pain coming from within her was nearly more than she could bear as her head bent down until it nearly touched the floor.
Immediately, Linedhel was kneeling at her side, taking her face between his hands to help her meet his eyes. "Belegwen, please come! There is something you must know!" Linedhel stated firmly. "There is no time to waste! Let us go now!"
"He is dead!" Belegwen croaked in between her sobs, her whole body shivering with pain. "I do not want to see him this way! Please Linedhel, do not make me! Please!" She begged hysterically, practically screaming in the older elf's face.
"He is warm, Belegwen." Linedhel whispered to her with an odd look in his eye. Belegwen could only stare at him in silence, too worked up to fully comprehend what he was telling her.
"He does not breathe, but for some reason his body is still warm." He reiterated, staring deeply into her eyes as if to somehow try and help her understand what was happening.
"He has been dead nearly all night out in the cold rain, but he is still warm. Do you not know what that means?" He asked her desperately, his fingers shaking as he gripped her face steadfastly.
Belegwen did not dare think it though, for she could not tolerate false hope. It was impossible anyway, as she had watched him die with her very own eyes, had she not? He was gone and she knew it! He was gone and she would never get to look into his cerulean eyes ever again!
Almost as if he had read her thoughts, Linedhel replied quickly, "I do not want to give you false hope Belegwen, but I have seen such things happen to strongly bonded couples before."
"I do not presume to know much about what happens between two bonded elves; there are many unknowns concerning the topic and I am no expert on the matter. However, what I do know is that what is happening here is not natural. You are bonded to him, Belegwen, and so there is a possibility…" He said, trailing off until she could barely hear his voice.
"A possibility… of what?" Belegwen breathed, never once breaking eye contact with the thin, grey-eyed elf in front of her.
"Belegwen," he started, looking intently into her eyes, which gave her the sense of hope she had been trying to avoid. It was then he murmured the words she was longing to hear…
"I think you might be able to bring him back."
ooOoo
*Belegwen's memory of Haldir's words comes from Chapter 21: Intimidation.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this extra long chapter. Please review and let me know what you enjoyed. I'll do my best to update soon!
-P.G.