Disclaimer: I own nothing from Danny Phantom

Chapter 12: Despair

Danielle's POV

My entire world became a blur between fleeting moments of self-awareness, when I could almost remember who I was and the people who were important to me, like when I saved Sam from falling to his death from the high wire, and the dream-like state I was trapped in otherwise where nothing seemed real to me or mattered anymore except for my Master's commands. But whenever I didn't obey him, the red fog in my mind turned into flames, and felt like it was burning every inch of my body as I writhed on the floor in pain, clutching handfuls of hair. I learned that the hard way after disobeying my Master by saving...that boy from falling to his death during a performance.

Wait, what was his name again...?

I knew it a moment ago, but soon it was like another important chapter of my life had been completely erased, my memories of them reduced to ashes. Leaving behind only smoldering flickers of light in the darkness where I could sometimes see glimpses of faces I once knew, and hear distant whispers of their voices calling out my name. At least, I think it was? But all of that was quickly consumed by the crimson glow of my Master's staff washing over me. And under it's hypnotic power, everything that made me who I was before was forgotten, so I could be free to serve a higher calling.

Thankfully, my Master was merciful and forgave me for my lapse in judgment and assured me there were other tasks to be done that required my unique talents. I would not fail him again. And I embraced the thrill of flying through the darkness while heading straight into danger as I joined the others to gather treasures for our Master. No pathetic little human could ever hope stop us. They were pitifully weak creatures, cruel, and undeserving, not like our Master who is perfect in every way.

He gave us all a purpose, so what more could I want...?

When we returned to his side, Master was greatly pleased by the sight of all our treasures and added them to his trove in the train car at the far end. He even took the crown from my head himself and admired it for a moment before turning to me, "Well done, my rose. I knew adding your power to my arsenal would yield even greater rewards. Come, sit with me while I examine the rest of my spoils. The rest of you may go."

Waving his staff lazily to dismiss the others, they obediently followed his commands. All of them, that is, except for one, the ghost with tattoos all over her body that she could bring to life to do her bidding. I could feel the heat of her gaze beneath the hood as she glared at me venomously. So I returned her glare and charged an energy blast in my hand, threatening with a cruel smirk, "Master told you to leave with the others. Or do you want me to make you...?"

Noticing our stare down, Master rolled his eyes and scoffed, "Leave her be. She's not a mindless slave like the rest of you. In fact, Lydia has been my loyal servant from long before I inherited this staff from my parents. Now come here, my rose, I want to see how these look on you."

Letting the energy in my hand dissipate and lowering my arm, I turned to him and did as I was told. Then he made me stand in front of him as he held up many different jeweled necklaces to my neck, admiring them. As for me, I was just happy I could be of service to him as Master proceeded to decorated me in bracelets, rings, necklaces, watching them catching the light of my soft ghostly glow with a strange hunger in his eyes.

Reaching forward to lift my white hair, letting it glide through his gloved fingers, Master laughed, "It's strange how human you seem. I've never encountered a ghost quite like you, but you're reputation proceeds you and you're much more dazzling in person. Such a waste, as much as I admire the power you ghosts have, most of you are revolting creatures that have no right to exist in this world. Honestly, you're even more of a freak than I am...but at least you're a pretty little thing which makes you much easier to look at, my rose."

Letting the last strands of white hair slip from his grasp, he drew me closer to him as if pulling my body towards him with invisible strings through the power of his staff, which Master lazily twirled in his other hand and then stabbed into a pile of gold. Reaching his hand towards me once more, Master told me to kneel beside him after collapsing onto the pile himself and crossing his legs. Without hesitation I placed my hand in his and gasped when Master surprised me by yanking me forward, catching me as I fell into his waiting arms, then pulled my head roughly towards his lap, resting it there as he deftly pulled off his gloves to lovingly stroke my hair with his bare hands.

A few minutes later, a feral grin spread across his face as he cackled, "Oh the things we're going to accomplish together, my rose. With all of your power at my disposal, very soon I'll have more riches than I know what to do with! So it was completely worth it to travel all the way out here to this miserable little town of yours just to enthrall you and bring you into the fold! Now no one can stop me!"

For some reason, I flinched hearing these words even though I knew I should be happy. My Master was pleased with me and this was his way of rewarding me. And yet, what he said just now reminded me of someone else I used to know, and I could hear that voice calling my name in the back of my mind as if trying to bring me back to my senses, screaming not to let anyone control me like this because I didn't belong to them. But I do belong to him. I belong to my Master and no one else.

If he wanted me to, I would give him my soul, and devote every drop of blood that I split to his name and glory. I would be whatever he wished me to be; his weapon, his slave, his protector, his possession, and I would never let anyone get between me and my Master. In fact, I would destroy anyone who tried.

Too bad I was the one who was about to be destroyed instead.

There is no Master anymore, so I...what am I supposed to...? I wondered fearfully while floating above the unconscious boy I just saved for the second time.

It all happened so fast and before I knew it, I had dropped Master's staff into the depths of the raging rapids while trying to keep a hold of him. I don't know why I felt such a strong urge to save him in the first place, but the second I saw him fall from the train, for a moment, that feeling was even more powerful than the loyalty I felt towards my Master so I blatantly disobeyed him again. I managed to catch the boy just in time before the fall could kill him, but we ended up still crashing into the water.

After I pulled him out of the water to the safety of the shore though, I didn't move. No one ordered me to so at first I felt completely lost without Master's wisdom and guidance and I didn't know what to do with myself. To make matters worse, without the comforting presence of the staff's powers, my mind was in complete shambles...

I kept seeing visions of time I had spent with other people I couldn't remember very clearly yet, precious people I wanted to protect at any cost, and then there was the memory of the fight we had just now, on top of the train. I saw my Master hold up his staff while ordering me to finish off those two humans claiming to be my friends, but then it was suddenly knocked out of his hands when it hit some railing overhead. I remember how I had flown up instinctively and caught it, fully intent on returning it to my Master, but then...when that boy called my name again he begged me to remember that I was more than just a ghost and to fight back to regain control of myself.

It took me a minute or two to figure out what to do, but then I suddenly remembered his name and flew down to save...Sam after my Master roughly pushed him off the train tracks down towards the raging river below. Thanks to him, at least for a moment I regained something so important to me that the red light's power held no more power over me. At least, not until I started craving its presence again once I lost it in the chaos, suffering from this horrible aching withdrawal that made my blood run cold. This left me feeling horribly dazed and confused, and I couldn't remember who it was that that I saved anymore that I saw laying sprawled at my feet.

I didn't know who was anymore...

I glanced up just as the train faded out of sight, noticing Master's other servants fly off into the distance for unknown reasons aside from the one named Lydia since she was the only one with a right to a name and I shrunk back, suddenly afraid of feeling the angry fire ignite in my mind again for betraying Master. And yet without the memory of that pain, I was completely empty inside, hollow, and afraid of the void where my heart used to be since I couldn't remember...anything.

I couldn't stand feeling so alone as the darkness began rapidly closed in around me, threatening to devour what little remained of my sanity, so without thinking, in a blind panic I blindly dove back into the water, relying on my ghostly eyesight to hopefully guide me to where the staff fell. It was still intact somewhere down there, I could feel it, but without Master's hands to give me direct signals so I could find my way back to bask in its light again, my search was pointless.

But I knew I couldn't go back to my Master's side without his beloved staff. He'd only punish me again! And I was afraid of the pain since it reminded me of something that happened in the past that he mercifully allowed me to forget, something cruel and heartbreaking that I didn't want to remember.

Thankfully, as a ghost I didn't need to breathe underwater, but even so my chest felt incredibly tight as I dove down deeper, fighting against the current so I wouldn't get swept away while searching for the staff. Deep down, I knew I should have just given up and left to follow the train tracks back to my Master because even without the staff, surely he could tell me what I was supposed to do. After all, I was nothing but a ghost, his rose, but...if I was once something more than just those two things then who-?!

I screamed as a rush of memories suddenly broke through the red fog lingering in the back of my mind, paralyzing me, but losing my focus like that while still so deep underwater was a big mistake. Because after that, I suddenly found myself at the mercy of the current and couldn't tell which direction I was facing anymore as the brute force of the rushing water flung me around like a rag doll. The river was roaring unbearably loud in my ears, but so were the voices calling me either Dani or Danielle over and over again, begging me to remember who I was. It was overwhelming so I covered my ears as I ruthlessly dragged further downriver because the sudden pain and confusion was too much for me to handle.

After awhile, after breaking through to the surface of the water again, I instinctively coughed and sputtered, clinging to a rock for dear life. Or afterlife in my case. I cried out for help from my Master, but I highly doubted he would have been able to hear me from so far away or above the roaring rapids anyway. What's more, I had a horrible feeling that Master wouldn't want me back since I had failed him miserably again and hopelessness gripped my heart as I whimpered, my arms losing the strength to hold on for much longer.

And so I was violently pulled back into the river again.

I briefly felt something cut my leg as I passed by something sharp, but it didn't really matter since I was still trapped in a blinding whirlpool of water, images from my past, voices, and an all-consuming pain that made me feel like my head was about to explode. Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, the rapids finally slowed down and I slowly began sinking down into the abyss below since I didn't have the strength to swim back up to the surface again.

I thought this was truly going to be the end of me, but then, I saw a soft light glowing just above me. I squinted, trying to figure out the color of the light, but it was too far away. For a second I thought it was just the moon, but then again, after seeing nothing but red for so long, seeing any other light break through the darkness about to consume me came as such a relief I didn't even care what color it was. In fact, maybe there was no color at all. Maybe that light was a sign that I was...dying and seeing THE light as I slowly started to drown when a ring of light formed around my waist since I was about to lose consciousness and turn human again.

And...if I did that down here, then I really would drown.

I was about to resign myself to my fate when I heard a familiar voice whispering my name with such clarity and love in their voice that my eyes snapped open and out of nowhere I felt myself being pulled back up to safety. I gasped and coughed up water then fell to my knees on the shore I found myself on, shaking all over. My vision was blurry, but when I glanced to the side I caught sight of what looked like a shimmering white cape and I tried to look up to see if it really was Vlad or not. But before I could see much of anything, I collapsed onto my side and reverted back to human form, still barely clinging to consciousness as I struggled to keep my eyes open.

Thankfully when the rapids violently dragged me downriver it pulled me far enough away from that spooky staff that its hypnotic effects finally starting to fade away for real this time and I could start to remember a bit more about myself. But now that Freakshow didn't have any control over me anymore, I realized that the damage he had done to me was still there. My memories were scattered and fragmented, not to mention painful as they cut into me like glass shards reopening the old wounds I still had in my heart from back then.

And just like that, I wanted to forget them all over again, all of my memories to escape the pain I knew was bound to come as soon as I found my way back home. So I unconsciously began to shut them out on purpose...willing myself to turn away from the memories of my life in Amity Park. A life that has brought me nothing but disappointment, loneliness, and sadness time and time again no matter how hard I tried or much of my life I sacrificed for the friends and family that I loved so much.

Going back home after being kidnapped and manipulated like this again would only mean getting scolded by my parents, my teachers, my friends parents, and my friends again for being so careless. All they were going to do is berate me instead of make sure I'm alright, which I'm clearly not since this is the closest I've gotten to losing myself completely. And honestly, I was getting so tired of being trapped in this endless cycle of constant worry and the fear of punishment just for being who I am, being WHAT I am, and on top of that no one ever seemed to care how I was doing until my problems escalated like this.

No one cared about my safety or my happiness. I was only here to be used and abused by everyone, friend and foe a like it seemed. So I didn't want to go back to all of that. I didn't want to remember being constantly blamed for things beyond my control and being told that I wasn't being careful enough when they hardly even know what a struggle it is for me to even survive the night sometimes with how often I'm attacked by ghosts.

Even without the mind-controlling red fog clouding my mind, I couldn't think straight anymore. I didn't want to. I just wanted someone to take me away from all of this, all of the constant danger and heartache. And I knew that my home in Fenton Works wasn't where I could find shelter anymore, because I haven't felt safe there in a long time even before becoming half ghost.

So that left only one place, only one person I could turn to.

"Vlad..." I called tearfully, weakly reaching out to where I thought I last saw the swish of his long white cape. "Please...help me..."

I gasped softly when I felt a pair of strong familiar arms wrap around my shivering shoulders and I choked on a sob. "Vlad...I can't take it anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore...I don't want...to go back."

Then, in a gentle voice that was all echo-y and almost not really there, I heard him respond, "Is that what you really want? To forget everything and leave the world you know behind? Will that truly make you happy?"

"Yes. I don't want to do this anymore," I sobbed hysterically, clinging to him.

"Nothing...ever changes no matter how many times I do this. No matter how many times I fight an enemy and struggle just to survive and make it back home safely, no one there notices how much pain I'm in or how alone I feel. It's always the same. I start doing better for a little while, but then it all falls apart, and it's like I'm right back at square one again! In the end, it doesn't matter if I'm there or not. Nothing changes! Nothing gets better! So please, I just want to disappear...I want to let it all...just fade away..." I could feel myself going numb from the cold and over exertion so it wasn't long before I could hardly move anymore.

That's also when I realized Vlad wasn't really there with me, I was only talking to myself and imagining him comforting me when I needed it. But I couldn't feel his warmth. I couldn't feel...anything and I was really scared. I didn't know where I was or if Sam was ok, and when I left the train, poor Trish got stuck on it alone with Freakshow while I was rescuing Sam so I felt like this time...I had truly and utterly failed to protect them. I had let that...that sicko control me and use me to hurt my friends because some part of me wanted to let go, to lose control, because that was easier than continuing this pointless struggle of mine to do the right thing when nothing good comes of it.

I don't know what possessed me to even try reaching out to him since it was probably broken anyway, but I felt this strong urge to try call Vlad so I could hear his voice one last time so I weakly reached into my soaked jean pocket and pulled out the custom cell phone Vlad gave me to replace my old one about a week ago that he told me to only use in case emergencies. Vlad even told me it'd work in the Ghost Zone, so I seriously hoped that was true and it was strong enough to endure a lot of water damage.

Once I managed to get it turned on, I just barely managed to press 5 since I had him on speed dial before my arm fell limp at my side. As a small inside joke I had chosen to program his number on the number 5 because in roman numerals that made it the letter V, which I thought was funny. Plus since the 5 is in the middle of the number pad, I thought that would make it easy to press quickly if I was hurt or something. And to my surprise, the phone actually started to ring after I pressed the button after all which meant it worked.

The droning sound of each slow ring was almost as mesmerizing as the staff's power, because it seemed to drag on for so long that I was afraid I'd pass out long before he answered his phone. Then, finally, by some miracle, it clicked to signal that Vlad had picked up. But since I was holding the phone at a distance, I could barely hear him at first. Still, just knowing I wasn't alone helped a lot.

"Vlad Master's speaking..." Vlad replied in this bored, professional, business-like tone. I guess he hadn't noticed I was the one who called him since he usually answered by saying something like, 'why hello, little badger, how are you today?'

Still, hearing his voice for real this time flooded me with such a feeling of relief as I weakly drew the phone closed to my chest and I sobbed, "Oh my god, Vlad...I...it's really you..."

After hearing my voice crack, Vlad snapped to full alertness and demanded harshly, "Danielle, what's wrong?"

"...Freakshow..." I tried to explain, but then my arms fell slack again as my strength suddenly gave out on me so I couldn't even hear Vlad's desperate cries asking me to respond anymore, because the darkness had, once again, claimed me.