A/N Hello again! As always thanks for the reviews and pretty please keep them coming, I hope you enjoy this chapter, it'll bring some enlighten to why Donna left and you'll know the full story next chapter. Thank you for reeding :)
DONNA
I don't know why I kissed him, something came over me and I just had to, maybe it was his scent, his closeness, or the fact that after all these years, I still find him irresistible.
After cleaning the mess we made in the kitchen, I make my way to my old room, lay in bed and let myself cry as waves of guilt wash over me.
It's my mom that knocks on my door a while later.
"Sweetheart, can I come in?" she asks as she peeks her head from the doorway and I nod "What happened with Harvey?" She goes straight to the point and I debate whether or not I should tell her the truth.
"We kissed…. I kissed him" No point lying, I got my talent to read people from her, so she'll know anyway.
"Ok, and how did it feel?" She's not judging and I wish she were because I hate myself right now, Thomas doesn't deserve this, I don't deserve him.
"Great mom, it felt like it always does with him, consuming and…. just right" I honestly say as I press my head against the pillow.
"Donna I never told you, but he came to see me after you left him, he thought you may be here. I had never seen him like that, he was defeated, shattered, I was honestly scared of what he might do" my mom tells me and this catches my attention.
"He did?" I stupidly ask and she smiles at me.
"He did, he said he took you for granted and that it was the worst mistake he's ever made, that he didn't know how to live without you, how to function without you, I think it was the word he used. I never met a man as in love with his wife as Harvey was… is… in love with you Donna" She softly strokes my hair and I sob quietly.
"I can't mom, I can't do this again, he can make me happy but he can also destroy me, and I can't let him do that again" she looks at me with a sad smile.
"Then marry Thomas, but love is all about risk and I think you and I both know that once you experience a love as powerful as the one you and Harvey shared, there's no way to replace that, but if things with him didn't work out and you feel the bad was more than the good then go ahead and marry another man, but that won't erase what you feel for Harvey either" She leans down to press a soft kiss in my head "I just want you to be happy Donna, but it's not up to me to decide what that means" she finishes quietly as she lifts herself from my bed and leaves my room.
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I'm waiting for Harvey to come home from the office and even if things haven't exactly been perfect these last couple of months I feel hope that's all about to change tonight. I pick up our dinner from Del Posto, his favorite dish, and the smell invades the kitchen as he arrives.
"Mmm, smells delicious" He says as he approaches me to kiss me on the lips and wraps his arms around me. I linger a bit in his arms enjoying the feeling of being wrapped in his embrace.
"I picked it up from Del Posto" I smile at him and he smiles back.
"What's the occasion?" he asks as we move towards the table to enjoy dinner when suddenly his face panics "I didn't forget any important anniversary, did I?" he asks and I'm quick to reassure him.
"You didn't Harvey, can't a wife just spoil her husband from time to time?" he smiles his cheshire cat smile at me, and I'm a goner.
"Of course she can Mrs. Specter" Dinner goes smoothly as he tells me some things about work and I share some stories with him too and it's been a while since it felt so much like being us again.
"I have a surprise for you" I say as I get up from my seat and make my way to our dresser, I come back holding a rectangular box and give it to him.
When he opens it his eyes get bigger and he looks at me shocked, inside there's a small white onsie that reads "World's best daddy" and as he reads the words I see his eyes starting to water.
"Are you….? Oh my god Donna, I'm going to be a dad?" I nod as he lifts from his seat and envelops me in a crushing hug while he twirls me around in his arms.
"How…?"
"I think you know how Harvey" I laugh at his astonishment and he presses our foreheads together.
"I know how I just… I'm so happy Donna, I love you so much, I love you both so much" He says as he places a hand on my flat stomach and kisses me with a passion I've never felt on him before, there's just something different in this kiss and I love it.
"I love you too Harvey, so much" I say as we break the kiss
"We're having a baby" he whispers with the biggest grin I've seen on him trying to assimilate the news
"We are" I confirm before placing another kiss to his lips, without breaking the kiss he lifts me up and I place my legs around his waist as he carries me to our bedroom to show me just how much he loves me.
…..
Afterwards, we're still in bed and he's lying half on top of me with his head pressed against my stomach.
"You think it can hear me?" he asks softly and I let out a chuckle
"I don't think it has ears yet, but he or she will hear you alright in a couple of months" I reassure him as I run my fingers through his hair.
"I think it's a girl" he says as he barely lifts his head to look at me.
"Maybe it is"
"Oh my god, two Donnas…. I'm screwed… she won't date until she's thirty" He says and I laugh softly at that
"Let's worry about that if it's a girl and when she reaches puberty, shall we?"
"You know how to shoot, promise me you'll shoot the first asshole that breaks our little girl's heart" He looks at me dead serious and I giggle
"Maybe not shoot him, but we'll scare him away for good, how about that?" I suggest and he contemplates my idea.
"Yeah, I can work with that" He resumes his position on my stomach and rubs small circles around it as I fall into a deep slumber.
There's a change in him after that night, he's more attentive and tries to make an effort to be home more often, things seem to go back to normal for a couple of weeks, until Jessica gives him the deal he has to close to get his name on the wall, and everything goes to shit.
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I took an overnight bag to my parents knowing I'd crash there, so after saying goodbye to them, promising to come back as soon as I can, I make my way straight to Scott-Tanner offices.
Scottie smiles as she sees me but I don't let her speak as I blurt out "I kissed Harvey last night"
She's shocked to say the least "Okay" is all she musters as I take a seat in front of her.
"It was stupid, we were standing in my parents kitchen, we started a water fight with the sprayer as we were washing the dishes and suddenly he had his arm around my waist to keep me from slipping and I….. he was so close, I couldn't help myself and I kissed him, we made out in my parents kitchen like two horny teenegers Scottie" I blurt everything out looking horrified at my friend who just smiles knowingly at me.
"And it was good I assume?" she's actually smirking at me and for a moment I forget why I love her.
"I need you to handle the divorce Scottie" I say determined and she can see I'm serious.
"Donna…."
"I don't wanna hear it Dana" calling her by her first name will hopefully show her I'm not willing to say anything else on the matter. I never call her Dana.
"All right Paulsen, but I'm telling you it can get nasty. Where are the papers?" she asks and suddenly I remember Harvey has them.
"Harvey" I say and she nods.
"Ok, I'll talk to him, let me just call him" she picks up the phone and I didn't think she meant right now.
"Amy, get me Harvey Specter please" she says into the phone and a couple of seconds later I hear her secretary through the intercom speaker.
"Dana, he's not in the office, they told me he can't be reached there until next monday, you want me to try his cell?"
"No that's ok, thanks Amy" She looks at me as she grabs her cellphone.
"Guess he wasn't kidding when he said he'd take the whole week to be with you" She tells me as she scrolls for his contact, I don't respond, I just don't know how to.
"Harvey…. yeah she's here…..she did, that's why I'm calling…. ok….." There's a long pause and then a relieved sigh from Scottie "Thank you Harvey" she hangs up and looks at me.
"He'll sign them, but he wants you to pick up the papers from his condo" I look at her astonished.
"No… can he have someone send them?" I don't want to face him, I don't think I can after what happened.
"Donna, this is way better than court, take what he's giving and let's finish this once and for all" she knows I'm hesitating and I know she's not trying to push me but she just can't keep her mouth shut.
"This is what you want, right Don?"
"Yes Scottie, it is, I'll be there tonight" I say as I get up and leave her office.
I make it back to the hotel and as I enter the lobby I stop dead in my tracks, Thomas is here, smiling at me and I think I want to die. What the fuck is he doing here?
"There you are!" he says as he envelops me in his arms and plants a kiss on my mouth, I kiss him back and can't help but compare to how different it feels to kissing Harvey, Thomas's kisses aren't consuming, they are controlled and just normal I guess, not earth shattering kisses like the ones only my husband can give me. God, what is wrong with me?
"Thomas what are you doing here?" I ask him as we break apart
"I couldn't wait anymore to see you, and I wanted to surprise you" he says while holding me close again, enveloping me in his arms and I try to seek comfort in his embrace but I can't.
"That's great" I say, still shocked to see him.
"These days made me realize how much I need you Donna, I don't want to wait anymore to marry you, let's get married this weekend" He blurts the whole thing up, and I'm pretty sure I gape at him.
"What!?" is all I can muster.
"You love this city Donna, your family and friends are here and I don't have much family back in Chicago, it'll be easier to do it here, my mother and my sister can fly down tomorrow as well as Jerry" Jerry is his best friend and best man for the wedding
"So, what do you say Donna? I thought you'd be happy" He must have sensed my uncertainty and I quickly try to compose myself.
"Yes Thomas, ok, let's do this, but there's something I have to tell you first" I say as I lead him to my room. We make our way up in silence, he can tell something is bothering me but fortunately he doesn't say anything, once we enter the room he looks at me with a worried expression on his face.
"What is it Donna?" he asks as we stand in the middle of the room.
"Harvey and I never got a divorce"
"What!?" he exclaims and I look down "That's the business you had to fly down for?" realization hits him and I nod.
"Well… did you get a divorce now?" he asks and I can't bring myself to look at him so I sit at the end of the bed.
"He didn't make it easy, but I'm coming down to his place tonight so he can sign the papers" I tell him as he sits next to me.
"And how did you manage to convince him?"
"I told him I was sick of being here and I was going to let Scottie handle it and he said he'd sign" I half lie and I feel terrible about it. I've never lied so much in my entire life as I have the past few days and the thought makes me feel sick.
"Ok, I'm coming with you" he suddenly says and I panic getting up from the bed and shaking my head at him.
"Thomas no, this is something I have to do on my own, you can't be there" I rush to tell him trying to make him understand.
"Ok Donna, but I'm sure as hell going to be outside waiting for you" There's really no excuse I can come up with to keep him from coming with me, but I make one anyway.
" I think it's best if you wait for me here, I have to see Scottie afterwards, but we can have dinner together"
"Ok Donna, have it your way" He agrees and it's settled.
I head for my dress fitting and tell the designer I need the dress ready for Sunday and when I offer to pay as much as necessary he assures me the dress will be ready.
As I make my way to Harvey's building, our building, I can't help but think back at everything that happened when I left him, the memories run through my head like a movie.
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The last two weeks have been the worst of our marriage, we never see each other and when we do we bark all the time because he's never fucking here, he spends all day in the office working on the Gillis's case trying to find a way to sign him so he can get our fucking name up that goddamn wall, "It'll be our name up there Donna, this is for our family", he keeps repeting that shit like a mantra and I've always been proud of his achievments but right now I couldn't care less, we'll be parents in a few months and single parenting was not what I had in mind when I found out I was pregnant. My phone rings and I look at the caller ID, it's him.
"Harvey" I curtly say as I pick up.
"Donna, hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm running a bit late but I'll be there, I can have Ray pick you up and I can grab a cab as soon as my meeting is over" I'm beyond pissed, I have my 12 weeks ultrasound today, he was supposed to pick me up so we could go together.
"Forget it Harvey, I can drive myself there" I say annoyed.
"No Donna, please let me send Ray for you" he sounds tired but I can't bring myself to feel bad for him, not after everything he's put me through.
"It's not like you really care Harvey, don't send him, I can manage" I dismiss and I hear him sigh deeply.
"Donna come on, I'm on my way to meet Gillis, he's signing the deal, by tomorrow it'll all be over, you'll have my undivided attention, you and our baby" I want to believe him, I do, but I just can't anymore.
"Ok Harvey, all the more reason to have Ray with you so you can be on your way to the hospital as soon as you're finished"
"Ok honey, please be careful, I'll meet you there, I love you" he says in a soft voice and I know he feels bad but it's just not enough anymore.
"I love you too" I say not knowing it'll be the last time I'll say it to him.
I make my way to our building parking lot and take the Range Rover SUV he bought as soon as he found out I'm pregnant, safety and space for our growing family he had claimed. I enter the hospital and get a text from Harvey saying the meeting's taking longer than he thought but he'll try to be here as soon as he can.
The doctor calls my name and I explain my husband is coming and ask if we can wait for a bit longer, he says there's no problem and he'll just call his other patients until my husband arrives. An hour has gone by and there's no news from Harvey, I should be mad but I can't bring myself to be, I'm disappointed and sad and hurt, and I realize that no matter what he says it's never too long before he breaks his promises.
I'm the last patient left and the doctor looks sympathetically at me. "Would you like to reschedule?" he asks me and I shake my head no.
"No, that's ok, let's do this" I make my way inside and the doctor motions for me to lay in the gourney. He applies some gel and then after a few seconds of him moving the transducer around my belly, we can hear a strong heartbeat.
"There's your baby Mrs. Specter" He says and shows me a tiny spot on the screen and there it is, the shape of a very tiny human being that Harvey and I made together. "He or she is perfectly healthy" He says as he takes some measures and I feel my eyes watering, cursing Harvey again for missing this.
"Would you like some pictures?" he asks and I nod
"Yes please" I tell him as I clean off the gel on my stomach and prepare to leave, he prints me a couple of pictures and when I leave the room and check my phone I have five texts, two voicemails and three missed calls from Harvey, well fuck him, I don't even want to talk to him right now.
I make my way to the car and drive off, I'm so angry at him all I can think is how he doesn't even deserve to see the pictures if he couldn't find a way to make it to a fucking appointment, I'm so distracted by thoughts of my husband and my baby that I don't see the street light ahead of me turning red, suddenly I hear a loud horn and feel an impact on the right side of the car before everyhting turns black.
…
I open my eyes to a bright room and people hovering over me.
"Ma'am, don't worry, you're going to be okay" I hear what I assume is a doctor, "I'm Dr. Andrews,You're at New York's Presbyterian Hospital, you were in an accident, but we'll look after you" she says and all I can think about is my baby.
"My baby… I'm pregnant" I choke out and she looks at me.
"Ok, we'll take care of both of you" I hear her say but I barely register it as darkness envelops me again.