Recommended Listening: Oingo Boingo's "Insanity". For better formatting check the chapter at my site - www ashido com/igtky/
"Hello?"
"Edgar."
"...Yes?"
"...It's Nny."
"Oh."
Pause.
"Hi."
"Yeah."
Pause.
"Edgar?"
"Yes?"
"Are you okay?"
Pause.
"I'm alive."
"What does that mean?"
"I'm alive."
"What does that mean."
Slight shuffling on the end of the line, paper rustling.
"I'm still alive."
"Are you okay?"
"Did you know it's been a month since you've called me?"
Silence.
"Or contacted me in any way. A month, you know that? It went by-" And then the sentence just stopped, like that was the end.
"Edgar."
"I'm still alive." Lighter, but false.
"Edgar, are you okay."
"Do you want it in writing?"
Digging into the table. "What happened?"
"Nothing unexpected."
"..." Deeper. "This is Edgar, isn't it?"
"Hmm?" Casually.
"Or are you... Scriabin?"
Pause.
Then a soft, unpleasant laugh.
"You can't tell the difference?"
"You are Scriabin! Put Edgar-" No. "Give it- Let him-"
"Hmm?" The same casual way as before.
"Scriabin-"
"If you say so."
Edgar hung up.
Edgar hung up on him.
---
"Hello?"
"Edgar."
"Nny! I was- I was wondering when you'd call or, well, you- just show up or something, it's been a while..."
"...Yeah."
"Are you alright? You haven't, uh... been..."
"I haven't killed anyone, if that's what you wanted to ask."
"Oh." Pause. "Oh, that's good."
Ask me what that means. "Edgar, are you alright?"
"Uh, I've been... better, I guess. I'm not... well, it's kind of hard to describe? I don't know... well, you kill people for a living- no, you don't make money from it, you just do it, but... yeah, it doesn't bother you I bet."
"Edgar, are you alright?"
"Huh? Hold on."
Muffled sounds, talking, something falling.
"Yeah, what?"
"Edgar, is there someone there?"
"No, not- no, just me." Voice moving in and out from the phone. "What were we talking about?"
"You seem distracted."
"Do I? Sorry, I've just had a lot on my mind recently, stress and-" Pause, muffled sound. "Work, that sort of thing. My shoulder's healed."
"...That's good."
"It healed really quickly, too. It's weird."
Pause.
"Edgar, are you alright?"
"Huh?"
"I... called you before. A day or two ago."
"You did?" Faint scratching sounds. "I don't- well, yesterday's sort, was sort of a blur, unless... no, I think it was yesterday... maybe the day before? I was really... busy... hard to keep track of everything..."
"Edgar?"
"Huh?"
"Do you remember what I said?"
"When?"
"When I called you."
"When? Oh, yesterday. Or the day before. Hmm. I don't really... remember yesterday at all, actually."
"So it was him."
"What? Yeah, that's- hold on." Muffled sounds, talking, a clatter. "Yeah, that's great. What?"
"Edgar, what are you doing over there?"
"What?"
"Edgar-" Pause. "Edgar, are you... okay?"
Pause.
"You know..." Manic tone suddenly slow. "I do remember your call the other day."
"You do?" A feeling like falling suddenly.
"Yeah... you kept asking me if I was okay."
"Yeah."
"Why? You're not worried or anything, are you?" Still speaking slowly, strangely slowly after the storm.
"I don't know if... worried is the right word for it..."
"Well." Matter of factly. Then nothing.
Nothing.
"Edgar?"
"Hmm? Did you need something?"
"I wanted to talk to you..."
"Talk away, I can work and talk at the same time."
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing. Go on."
"It's about..."
"Ha." Snide and unnatural, like it was spliced in from somewhere else. "Stop it."
"...Never mind."
Slammed the phone down and ignored it.
---
"Hello?"
"Edgar?"
"Oh, Nny." Sigh. "I was worried you might not call again. Sorry about my behavior recently... I haven't felt like myself."
"...Yeah."
"Just... things have gotten weird. Really weird. I don't know how to explain it, it's just... I don't know. Half the time I'm not sure if it's really you I'm talking to or someone else... God, that sounds terrible, doesn't it?"
"Edgar, are you alright?"
"I've been better." Another sigh. "Like I said, things are getting... weird. More... flexible, if that makes sense? Hard to explain. I'm not really sure what's going on anymore..."
"Yeah, that sounds about right."
Pause.
"Oh, that's right... you've done this before. Heh." No humor. "It's not easy."
"Edgar."
"Yes?"
"I've been thinking about what you asked me."
"...What did I ask you?"
"In the car. About killing people."
"Oh, that..."
Silence.
"So...?"
"You said that you couldn't promise me that you won't hurt me before you die, or that things will get better before they get worse."
"That's true." A pause, a few sounds like he was about to say something, and then nothing.
"... I don't think I can promise you I can stop killing either."
"Oh." Disappointed.
"What I mean is, I can't... control myself sometimes. Even if I'm trying."
Pause.
"I... see."
Pause.
"So, Nny..." He didn't say anything in response. "Does this mean you're staying with me?"
"...No."
Pause.
"Well, not exactly."
"What do you mean?"
A few moments to gather his thoughts.
"You're not going to get better, even if I want to help... but I don't want to make it worse either. I think right now I'd just make things worse."
"That... doesn't sound like you."
An irritated sound. "What do you mean?"
"Well, if you ever cared about me... killing me would have bothered you more than it did, right?" A growing cold feeling. "I can understand why you wanted to do it, but..."
"Before things are ruined."
"Things are already ruined, aren't they?"
"Yes."
"So I find it hard to believe that you care about ruining things further. It's all over as far as you're concerned, right?"
"...Edgar?"
"So, what are your plans?"
"...You said you didn't want to go through this alone."
"Ha. I'm never alone."
Pause.
"Scriabin."
"That's right. Never alone."
"So you don't really need me, do you?"
"I've never really needed you, Nny. I think you needed me."
"It is you. I knew it."
"Blew my cover, did I? Sometimes it's hard to resist."
"What are you doing to him?"
"Here's a fun game for you while you work up the courage to call again, Johnny. Can you pinpoint when I came in and Edgar left? Or have I been here the whole conversation, and you just can't tell the difference between us?"
"I can tell the difference-"
"Yes, when I let you. You two are such good friends, aren't you."
Edgar hung up.
---
"Edgar, what happened?"
"What do you mean?"
"What happened to you?"
"You mean... after the car?"
"Yeah."
"I... had a dream."
---
"I don't want to talk to you."
"Has it occurred to you that you may not have been talking to Edgar at all for the past few months? That your last conversation was with him in the car?"
"You can't control him forever, you're not a person-"
"Is that a challenge? I accept."
"It wasn't-"
Edgar hung up.
---
"Nny, you haven't... been in my house lately, have you?"
"What?"
"Last time you were here... well, not the last time, but the first time. But you went through my things... moved things, do you remember? Little things, like my lamp or my books."
"I don't remember a lot of things. It gets kind of indistinct after a while."
"But... you haven't been here lately, have you?"
"No."
"So... you haven't been going through my things... then..."
He was about to say something when Edgar made a soft sound and hung up.
---
"Nny, you know about what's going on, don't you?"
"What, you mean with you?"
"Sort of, more like... what's happening to me. The waste lock system, all of that. You know about that, right?"
"I know what Satan told me about it."
"He talked about a system that wasn't controlled by him or God, right?"
"He said something like that."
"How do you know that's the only one?"
"Only one what?"
"Only system, Nny. What if there were others?"
"...What do you mean?"
"What if there were other systems, like the lock one? Like branches off the basic concept... all with a different purpose and a different end result."
"Are you saying... you're part of one of thosesystems?"
"Me? No, I'm-" Pause, and a sharp intake of breath. "You... I'm Edgar, Nny. You knew that, right?"
Pause.
"You knew it was me, didn't you?" A strange, pleading tone in his voice that he didn't like. "You could tell, right?"
Pause.
"Oh God... oh God." And he hung up.
---
"What time is it?"
"Uh... give me a second." Pause. "Three AM or so."
"Really?" Surprised.
"Yeah."
"But there's light... outside..."
"From a streetlight?"
"...I must have... never mind."
---
"I feel like... sometimes there's something very close by. Like something is breathing over my shoulder. It's not there when I look for it, but I feel like if I stop... if I stop checking, then..."
"I know that feeling."
"Is that normal with this? I mean... with this whole breakdown? Is that normal?"
"I don't think there's a normal way through it. Maybe you'll be okay."
"You don't really believe that, do you?"
---
"If you were a part of one of those other systems... does that mean you're not a lock? You won't end up destroying yourself?"
"What on earth are you talking about?"
---
"I have the worst headache. You would not even believe how bad this headache is. I can't sleep."
"What's wrong with that?"
"What's wrong- I haven't slept in days, Nny! God, it's gotten to the point where I'm seeing things-"
He hung up.
---
"Edgar?"
"I'm sorry-"
That was all he said.
---
"I don't know what's going on anymore. I don't know what's happening to me. I didn't think it'd be like this."
"Uh huh."
"Why is this happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?" A sharp gasp, and a whimper of pain. "I didn't mean th- stop-"
Click.
---
"Did you ever have problems with doors?"
"What do you mean, 'problems'?"
"With doors, did you ever... did they ever do things?"
"What kind of things?"
"Just... things they're not supposed to."
"Like what?"
---
"I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I don't know who you are. I'm not sure if I'm imagining it or not. It's hard to tell."
"So how many people did you kill today?"
---
"I feel like I haven't slept in ages. Like I'm... like there's something keeping me awake. Like there's... too much to do, I can't stop. I can't rest. There's... something important and I need to be awake for it."
"I know that feeling."
"I have... maybe I have been getting some sleep, but I don't even know. I can't tell. There are these periods where I can't remember anything... was I asleep? Sometimes there are these black periods... was I asleep then? I don't think I'm dreaming... unless I'm dreaming now."
"Have you asked him about it?"
"I don't know what he's doing right now..." A furtive whisper. "He's not... he keeps talking about things I don't understand. About things I can't see. Like... he's existing somewhere else from me. Things don't feel right. It's never been like this before. When I talk to him, he talks about these... none of it makes sense. I'm so tired of fighting this but I don't want to know what'll happen if I stop. If he stops."
"It might be easier if you'd stop fucking with him, Scri."
"Fuck you." Slammed the phone down.
---
"Why do you think there are other systems anyway?"
"I don't know... if there's one, why not more? Who's to say?" Exhausted. "I don't know if he's part of that or something else." A high whine. "He's not."
"Of course it's going to tell you that, Edgar. It doesn't want you to stop whatever it's doing."
"No, I- ow- I think he's... nng, I think he's telling the truth, and..."
Pause.
"Edgar?"
"Have you talked to Devi recently?"
"...Edgar?"
---
"What's that noise?"
"I'm sorry, Edgar can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone."
Click.
---
"Did you ever wake up and find things you didn't remember buying?"
"Yeah." Crunching on a Cheeto.
Pause.
"Uh... did you... what did you do about it?"
"Nothing. What can you do? You must have gone shopping at some point. The end."
"I'm not used to... missing time like this. I usually have a good memory..."
"That's weird." Another Cheeto. "I lose time all the time."
"Was it... did your..." Voice lowering, hesitant. "Did your voices ever... take you over?"
"No." His teeth clicked together. "They didn't want me, they wanted their own lives."
"But that's what he wants, I think." Quieter. "He wants to be alive-"
"Tell him to get in his toy if he wants to be alive so much."
The line went dead.
---
"How many windows does my apartment have?"
"I don't recall."
"Hmm..."
"...Why?"
"It's just... I don't remember there being this many." Distant. "I shouldn't even be able to see the outside from this one, it's on the wrong side of the building."
Silence.
"But I can see outside..."
---
"I feel... I feel so tired."
"Makes sense."
"Not just because I can't sleep but... it's like I've been running a marathon, my legs and my back and my shoulders... they all burn. Everything's... my hands can't stop shaking, my whole body is so tense. I don't even know why and it won't stop. I've tried everything. Taking a shower doesn't help, heat doesn't help, tea doesn't help, nothing works... it just won't stop."
"What about...?"
"I think... it's the same for him."
"Are you sure?"
---
"I lost a week. I lost a whole week. I went to make breakfast and I looked at the calendar and it says it's the 15th. It was the 8th yesterday. I swear it was."
"...I'm not very good with time."
"I swear it was, and my watch, it says... it says it's the 12th. What's going on?"
"...Check the TV?"
"It doesn't work, nothing works. Nothing works here anymore, nothing's working. Nothing's working."
"You mean the power's out?"
"When I touch things, something happens and- I can't deal with this, I don't- nothing's working, I try to leave and I end up back here again, going in circles, I can't... hhff I can't breathe... it's happening again..."
"Edgar?" A groan in response. "Edgar? Are you alright?"
"I..."
He dropped the phone.
"Edgar? Edgar, are you still there?"
Footsteps, something hitting the floor, and a strange, tremulous cry that ended in a choked sound. Irregular heavy breathing, gasping and trying to speak on the inhale to no avail, a loud clatter, more footsteps.
It went silent.
"Edgar? Edgar, are you still there?" Nearly yelling. "What's going on?"
Nothing.
Then he heard a soft click as someone put the phone back in its cradle.
---
"What are your plans, Nny?"
"What?"
"Are you staying with me or not? You said you'd just make things worse, didn't you? But you're still calling me."
"I..."
Pause.
"Don't tell me it's just your sense of morbid curiousity." A weak laugh. "You've been through this yourself, you should know what it's like, right?"
"I... I don't know." Hand in his hair. "I try not to, but... I want to know if you... if you're dead yet."
"You're lucky I know what that means."
"...What does it mean?"
"...Never mind, I was thinking of something else. Well, if you're waiting to see when I'll die... I don't think you'll have much longer to wait. I just feel... I don't know what the point is anymore."
"Isn't suicide against your religion?"
"Yeah. But I don't think being friends with you helped me any."
"...You're not dead yet."
"...That really depends on your definition."
---
"Do you want me to come over there? I will."
"I spent all of today with Devi. Did you know that? Were you following us like usual? She's told me all about you."
"I'll do it."
"I like being with her. She actually listens when I'm talking."
"Scriabin, stop it-"
"She said she likes me."
---
"Did you see the sun today? It was all blood red like it gets sometimes when the pollution's bad. I've always thought that was kind of creepy... it just doesn't look natural. They should really do something about the smog, you know? But at least it was something different. I thought maybe you'd like something like that, since..."
"It was raining all of today, Edgar."
"...Are you sure?"
---
"Bet you wish it was goin' faster, don't you? Bet you wish I'd just fuckin' die already, save you th' trouble, callin' and calling and not havin' me validate you, what a damn shame, how hard this must be for you, shit."
"Are you drunk?"
---
"Did you call me, or did I call you?"
"...I called you."
"How... how long have we been talking?"
"...About an hour."
"Oh God."
---
"Do you know the story of Job?"
"What?"
"It's a story in the Bible."
"...No."
"Right, that was probably a stupid question, but I can't stop thinking about it. It keeps running through my head. I can't stop th... what if this is all a test of my faith? What if this is all a test and I'm failing?"
He hung up.
---
"I'm..."
"Edgar..."
"What did I even have to lose..." Shaky and weak. "I didn't think I had so much until it was all gone... there's nothing left, nothing between me and that... I know it's there, waiting for a chance..."
"What are you talking about?"
"That... different systems, if there are different systems, they might have different purposes... different goals, different methods, might... not agree with each other, God my head, my head it hurts, I've tried so much aspirin and it still hurts, the whole thing is empty and I can still feel it in there, I can hear it all around me-"
"How many pills did you take?"
---
"I can't sleep."
"I know."
"I can't sleep. I can't sleep."
"Edgar, I know."
"I'm going insane."
---
"Do you ever read your horoscope?"
"No."
"I didn't think so..."
"Aren't horoscopes against your religion or something?"
"What? No."
Awkward pause.
"Well, anyway... I looked at mine for today."
"What did it say?"
"It just..." Pause. "'You're going to die'."
"...That's what it says?"
"Yeah. That's all. I guess it's someone's idea of a joke. Bad taste if you ask me."
"Are you sure that's what it says?"
"I have it right here. 'Your birthday - You're going to die.'"
"It's your birthday?"
"...Yeah."
"...Are you sure that's what it says?"
"I'm reading it right now. And the others..."
"What about... what does Scriabin think it says?"
Pause.
He hung up.
---
"What is that?"
"What's what?"
"That sound... there, there it goes again. What is that?"
"I don't hear anything."
"Is that... is that a cat?"
"I don't have a cat."
---
"I want to help you."
"Oh really. Is that what you call it?"
"What do you want from me? Isn't that what you want to hear?"
"If you really want to help, why don't you come over here and put a bullet between my eyes?"
"...I don't like guns."
---
"God, I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this..."
"Then stop, stop it and leave him alone-"
"I can't, I can't stop. Do you know what'll happen to us if I stop? I can't stop, I can't stop for a second, if I stop trying then it'll happen again, I can't let it happen again..."
"Let what happen again?"
"You don't know- you can't ever know, you don't... I can't let that happen to him again. I have to keep fighting. I can't let this happen. I promised that I wouldn't. We have to get out of this. We can't die."
"You just don't want to die."
"Of course I don't want to die, nobody wants to die. I worked this hard to be alive, I don't want to die."
"Then stop hurting him, you-"
"I'm not- you don't understand anything, it's the only way-"
He hung up.
---
"You know how sometimes when you're watching TV, you talk to it even though it's just pictures?"
"Yeah."
"Did you ever feel like... they could hear you?"
Silence.
"I don't mean- I know that sounds crazy, doesn't it?" Weak laughter. "But I didn't mean a lot, just... kind of like they look at you for a second, like they heard you. Like there's a connection..."
"Uh..."
"You know what, never mind, I was probably just tired or something. Let's talk about something else, okay?"
---
"You don't know how hard this is for me to do. I'm not good at this sort of thing. I read books on this so I could help you better, for god's sake."
"Your life, so hard."
"Fuck you."
"Which book was that in?"
---
"I can hear him sometimes. In the back of my mind, just... talking softly. To himself. He never talked to himself before. Just to me."
"What do you think it means?"
"I don't know... I don't know what anything means anymore. I don't know what's happening. Everything... nothing feels real anymore. Like I can push through- like there's nothing in between me and-... I don't know."
"You have to do something about him. He's just making this worse."
"I don't know if there's anything I can do anymore, I think it's over. It's all over for us, for everything. I can't even..."
"Has he tried to move outside of you? Through his toy?"
"He doesn't need a toy... he has me to work through. I think it's him anyway. Sometimes it feels like... I'm not here, like I'm... drifting..."
"Drifting...?"
"Something... like drifting out to sea. And there's something tied to me that's keeping me back."
"Untie it."
"I don't think I should. He told me not to."
"That's why you should."
"Or... I told me not to... I can't even... God sometimes it's hard to tell, me or him, him or me, who did what and when and why... why..." Breaking, and he hung up.
---
"He had another dream last night."
"I hate dreams."
"He's not awake yet."
"...What?"
---
"Johnny, if this was the last conversation we ever had, what would you say?"
"What do you mean?"
"If I died tomorrow, what would you want to say to me?"
"At your grave?"
"Before I died."
"...Are you planning something?"
"So... nothing then."
"...I don't know what you want to hear."
"That's not why I asked." A sharp grunt, and a change in tone. "Since when have you ever cared about what I want?"
"Are you planning something?"
"If I am it's the first I heard about it. But I must admit I'm curious about your answer as well."
"What answer?"
"Is there anything you'd want to tell me before I died?"
"I wish I'd known about you earlier so I could have done something."
"What makes you think you could have done something? For all you know, the process is irreversible."
"...Process?"
"What would you say to him, if this was your last chance? Go ahead, be candid. Or would you prefer to record your planned speech and then play it over an answering machine? I've heard you like doing that."
He hung up on him.
---
"I got some plants today."
"That's... good."
"I thought this place could use some life."
"You don't sound that happy about-"
"They all died."
"What?"
"They're dead. They're all dead."
"...All of them?"
"It only took twenty minutes. What's happening t-"
Click.
---
"Have you talked to Todd lately?"
"Squee? I haven't seen him, actually... I saw some weird lights by his house though."
"Oh."
"Might have been aliens."
A sigh.
---
"I've stopped getting mail."
"You got mail?"
"...Ouch."
"I just..." What did the books say about this "I never get mail."
"Yeah, I got mail." Quieter. "Bills and junk mail mostly. I never paid much attention to them before, but now it's all stopped."
Silence.
"My mailbox is empty. I went downstairs to check it, and nobody saw me. There were five people there, and it was like I was invisible." A slight pause, then, "No, it's not like it was know it wasn't." Pause. "Then why did you even say that? Do you even think about what you say anymore?" Pause. "This is different, this is worse..."
"Edgar?"
"This is so much worse..."
---
"Nny," in a singsong kind of voice, "do you remember those books?"
"What books?"
"The books in my house. You remember, don't you? Before you died."
"What are you talking about?"
"Those books. Do you remember those books you wrote in?"
"You read those?!"
---
"Are you happy with this?"
"With what?"
"With what you have. With me."
"You mean Edgar?"
Sigh.
"Are you Edgar?"
"God, I'm never going to get used to you asking me that..."
"...Sorry."
"But are you happy with this? Our friendship? Our relationship?"
"Of course not. You know that already."
Pause.
"Oh, that's right. Your perfection was already ruined like... God, how long has it been?" A false and weak laugh. "I still have nightmares about that."
"About what?"
"What you did to him. To that boy."
"Why?"
"...You really don't understand at all, do you?"
"It's not like I did anything wrong. I practically did the world a favor."
A long sigh.
"Never mind."
---
"How can you still believe in a god that would do this to you?"
"I can't question His decisions."
"That's bullshit, you can question him all you want. You saw him, didn't you? Why didn't you ask him why all this shit keeps happening to you? Why didn't you demand a goddamn explanation for why the world is so shit?"
"It's not my place."
"What the fuck does that even mean?"
"He's God. He's beyond our understanding. You can't question His decisions... He doesn't answer to us."
"He should fucking answer to you! You want this to stop, don't you? How can you love someone that treats you like shit even when you do everything they want?"
"...You sound like someone else I know."
"...Don't ever say that again."
---
"Why don't you ever come over here, Johnny? If you want to help him so much, if you want to fix things, why don't you come over here in person?"
"I-"
"If you want to kill me, like you've told me so many times, why don't you come over here and do it?"
"I... I can't."
"I thought so."
"No, I mean... I tried but... I can't. I can't find you."
"How convenient."
---
"Nny, have you ever... heard of someone called Shmee?"
"You mean Squee's bear?"
"...Not exactly."
"What do you mean?"
"Have you ever... talked to someone called Shmee?"
He hung up.
---
"You've got to stop drinking."
"Sometimes that's all that makes it stop."
"You've got to stop doing this to him."
"Maybe he wants me to, you ever think of that?"
---
"I've been thinking... I told you once that I felt like you helped me. Like you made things easier, quieter... like you could help me think more clearly. Made the noise stop. I didn't have any control back then, but you made me feel like I did. I don't know how much of a difference that really made in the end, but it was important to me anyway. Maybe I can do that for you now... but I need to learn how to do it first. I'm not sure where to start, but I signed up for some studies at the hospital... maybe they'll give me some idea about what I should do. I want to... do something. I can't take much more of you getting worse."
Click.
---
"Hello?"
"Edgar?"
"No, who's this?"
"...Scriabin?"
"Nope." A pause, then a tiny squeak. "Is this the neighbor man?"
"...Squee? What are you doing over there?"
"Mr. Edgar didn't think I should be at my house by myself, so I'm staying at his house for a while." Another thin squeak. "You're not coming over here, are you?"
"I wasn't planning on it. What's happening over there, anyway?"
"Mr. Edgar's not doing too good." Whispering. "Neither is Mr. Scriabin."
"Both of them?"
"Uh huh."
"Why aren't they answering the phone?"
"Mr. Edgar isn't home, and he told me not to answer if it rang."
"Where is he?"
"He went out."
"...Edgar or Scriabin?"
"Uh..." Pause. "I think it might have been Mr. Scriabin."
"Where did they go?"
"I dunno."
"When are they coming back?"
"I dunno."
"...How are you doing?"
"I'm okay. My parents got abducted by aliens."
"Yeah, I think I saw that. I told you, every tuesday."
"But I'm okay without them. Shmee's with me too, so I'm not lonely. He doesn't like Mr. Scriabin though."
"...Really."
"Yeah, they fight a lot. But it's on the inside, you know? Like with their brains. So you can't hear them unless you're sleeping."
"Dreaming, huh?"
"Yeah. Shmee said he knows him from a long time ago, but now it's different. But he still thinks it's better here than at home."
"Yeah."
Pause.
"Squee, has Edgar told you anything about what's going on with him?"
"Shmee says he's got something trying to get him. Like... what happened with you, but different. He says Mr. Scriabin is trying to stop it."
"I doubt it." He's part of it. "But anything else?"
"Shmee says Mr. Edgar probably won't hang on much longer. He's too tired to fight much now. When Mr. Scriabin gives up, it's over. Then we'll have to go back home."
"He hasn't hurt you or anything, has he?"
"Nuh uh, he's nice to me. He walks with me to school when he remembers. But he's forgetting a lot of the time now."
"What about Scriabin?"
"He's sort of mean, especially to Edgar and Shmee. But he's not too mean to me. He says I remind him of someone."
"Remind him of someone?"
"Yeah, like... from his past. That's what he said."
"He doesn't have... never mind. What else has been going on over there?"
"I've been drawing a lot. I get lots of weird dreams here."
"No, I mean... with Edgar. Is there anything else weird going on?"
"Um... his face bleeds sometimes. Under his eyes where those scars are."
"Really?"
"Yeah. And he talks to himself a lot, but he might be talking to Mr. Scriabin, it's hard to tell. Sometimes I think he sees things like Mommy did. He sounds like her sometimes."
"Anything else?"
"Uh... I dunno. He doesn't talk to me about it very much. I think he doesn't want to make me worry. He says things are okay, but they aren't. He thinks I don't notice. But Shmee tells me about it sometimes. He says the monster that's after him won't let him sleep. Mr. Scriabin is scared of it."
"...What kind of monster?"
"Like... a monster. It lives in a dark place. It keeps trying to find a way here, but Mr. Scriabin keeps tricking it away. Sometimes they fight and it's awful, they scream and scream all night and I can't sleep."
"Who fights, Edgar and Scriabin?"
"Um... yeah, they do too sometimes. But I meant the monster and Mr. Scriabin."
"Hmm." Faking an attack to try and keep Edgar's trust...
"They're both really tired. Mr. Scriabin especially. He says he won't let it win. But Shmee says it's already won, it's really just a matter of time."
"Does the monster live anywhere in the apartment? Does it want anything?"
"I don't think so. I don't think it's here yet. Mr. Edgar hasn't told me if it wants anything or not. It's just... looking for him."
"And Scriabin is driving it away?"
"That's what Shmee says."
Lying bear. "You don't think it'll come after you?"
"Nuh uh, Shmee says he'll protect me." A squeak. "I'm still scared though. I hope it doesn't rip my head off and eat my brains or something."
"When do you think Edgar will be home?"
"I dunno. He didn't tell me what he went to do."
"Where did he go?"
"I dunno. He didn't say."
"Did he leave a note?"
"No, he usually just goes. I think he's trying to get away, but he can't. It's all inside."
"Yeah, I know." Pause. "But he's been taking care of you alright?"
"Uh huh. It's way better than home. They both listen to my stories sometimes, and Mr. Edgar put a picture of mine in the fridge."
"That's good. I hope you don't get abducted by aliens, Squee."
"Um... thanks, scary neighbor man."
"Could you tell him that I called when he comes home?"
"Okay." A change in tone like he turned away from the phone. "No, Shmee, I'm not going to set the couch on fire! Mr. Edgar said he doesn't like that and I want to be nice." A moment. "Well, I guess that'd be okay."
"What'd be okay?"
"Shmee says to see if there's an ax in the closet. I'll tell Mr. Edgar you called, okay?"
"Okay."
"Oh, I just thought of something! I think maybe Mr. Edgar went to see Ms. Devi."
"What?"
"Yeah, he talks to Ms. Devi a lot." Smiling. "They're real good friends. She's nice."
"...I've got to go."
"Okay." A bit confused. "Bye."
He hung up.
---
One time, his phone rang.
Someone was calling him. But he ignored it.
---
"Are you sorry about any of this? That any of this happened? Are you sorry about any of it?"
"...I'm sorry I didn't kill you when I had the chance."
"That's funny, somehow that doesn't make me feel any better."
---
"Maybe there is a way out of this... I don't know, but maybe... maybe there's something I can do."
"Like what?"
"I don't know, that's the problem... she said she was able to sort of make it stop, in a way... but I don't think that'll work this time. There's nothing... nothing physical to fight. I can't see anything... I don't know what I can do. But if there's something, then I should try, right?"
"...You mean Devi."
"Huh?"
"You were talking to Devi."
"Uh... yes, I was. Why?"
"I didn't know you'd met her."
"Yeah, we... had some things in common. I thought maybe we could help each other, you know?"
"Why, did something happen to her?" Sharply changing his tone. "Is something wrong?"
"No, no, she's fine. There's nothing wrong, so don't worry." Quickly. "She can take care of herself, don't worry. Nothing's wrong."
"So... what does she 'help' you with?"
"Well... she's one of the few people that met you and didn't die."
"What about Squee?"
"Him, too. But Devi's different, she's..."
"I liked her."
"Yeah, there's that."
"And she liked me... didn't she?"
"I don't think that really matters now, does it?"
"...Edgar?"
"You can't keep asking who I am every time I say something you don't like, you know. That doesn't really say a lot about our friendship if I can't disagree with you."
"How can you do this? How can you imitate him so perfectly?"
Sigh. "You don't really know us at all, do you?"
---
"Edgar?"
A high pitched screeching sound. It didn't stop until he hung up.
---
"Have you ever thought about why Scriabin would try to talk to you?"
---
"Edgar?"
"It didn't work."
"What didn't work?"
A gasp, things clattering to the floor, maybe pens, and he hung up.
---
"Why did you hang up on me?"
"I didn't-"
"Why would you do that?" Frantic. "Why would you hang up on me?"
"I didn't, you hung up on me first-"
"Why would you hang up on me?" Screaming. "Why would you do that to me?!"
"Edgar, I-"
Click.
---
"Why can't you leave him alone? You're ruining everything-"
"I'm the only one who's doing anything to help!" Angry and slurred. "You just sit on your ass begging him to tell you everything's okay, I'm the one who's actually fighting for him! I'm the one who's suffering to try and keep his stupid ass alive! Shit, at this point, I'm the only one who even wants him to stay alive! You definitely don't give a shit do you, you'd probably be happier if I just gave up-"
"Stop doing this-"
"Well fuck you, I'm not going to give up! I'm not going down without a fight! Fuck you and anyone who thinks they can stop me! If it weren't for me you'd all be dead!"
"You parasites are all alike, manipulating him to think you're trying to help-"
"I can't think straight when he's screaming like that- fuck you, you don't even know what this is like! At least you got shot in the head first, that must have sped things up a bit."
"Put him back on-"
"Maybe I can't!" Hysterical, almost a scream, then silence. A low, rising laughter. "Maybe I can't."
"That's a lie."
"What are you going to do about it? Let me guess. Nothing. Am I right?" Slow and malicious.
"If it weren't for you, then everything-"
"If it weren't for me, Edgar probably would have never kept talking to you. I was the one who told him to keep talking to you, did you know that?"
"You're a liar."
"You wish I was lying. Shit, I wish I was lying. God, this is not helping my headache at all. If it weren't for you getting your dumb ass shot, this never would have happened to him. This never would have happened. I fucking blame you for this, Nny. I blame you for everything. I blame you for fucking- just-"
"I didn't think this would happen-"
"Oh that's great, now everything's all fixed now, isn't it? Nny didn't mean to ruin your life, sorry about the pickaxe to the forehead, now everything's all better-"
"You're so-"
"Just stop calling him already, just stop calling and leave me alone. I can't deal with you right now, I can't deal with any of this. I don't have the energy, I can't spare the energy to deal with this or deal with you, there's too much going on right now-"
"You worried about the 'monster' you told Squee about?"
"...What?"
"Squee told me you came up with some sort of story about how a 'monster' is after you or something. What, is the system upset with you for taking over your host rather than your toy?"
"...Oh shit."
He hung up.
---
"Edgar?"
"Thank God, thank God someone called, just... just stay on the line, okay?" Whispered urgently. "Stay on the line, alright?"
"Why? What's going on?"
"The power's out." Short, quick breaths. "There's something here."
"What is it?"
"Something's waiting, I can hear- Just stay on the line, okay? Stay with me-"
Click.
---
"Are you hurt?"
"Why would I be hurt?"
---
"What if he's telling the truth?"
"You can't trust something like that. It's designed to manipulate you. It says exactly what you want to hear so you won't fight when the time comes. You can't listen to anything it says."
"He's suffering, I know he is... I can hear him sometimes, there are these dreams..."
"Edgar, it's doing it on purpose. It's trying to make you feel bad for it so you'll trust it. These things will do everything they can to serve their master. It's lying to you."
"He's lied to me before, but this time... your voices never suffered, did they?"
"Edgar..." Sigh. "Edgar, you and I... we're different. You... you actually..."
Pause.
"You... you kind of care about people, right?" Awkwardly. "So that's what it's using against you... it's trying to make you care about it so you'll trust it. That's your weakness."
"...You really think that about me?"
"Yeah." Hesitantly. "You're not like me. Otherwise I don't think we'd have gotten this far. You... you care about people, even if they're... broken."
"Nny..." Pause. "I... can't remember the last time you said something like that to me."
"I just wish... you hadn't ruined everything."
Pause.
Click.
---
"You're absolutely sure you haven't been in my house?"
"No. Why?"
"It's just... things keep moving around, and I'm not doing it, and Scriabin and Todd say it's not them... it's just small things most of the time but... I don't remember touching anything..."
"Has anything else in your house started moving?"
"What?"
"Something else in the house started moving, like my Doughboys. You don't have any dolls in the house, do you?"
"...I have to go."
---
"Why do you keep calling me?"
"I'm not calling for you."
"You can't separate us anymore. You know that. You know who we are."
"I know who you are, and who he is."
"You know that. You know what's happening to us. And you keep calling."
Silence.
"You keep calling us, Johnny. Why?"
"I..."
"If all we're going to do is hurt you, if all we're going to do is make things worse, if you can't have perfection with us anymore, then why do you keep calling me?"
"I..."
"Why do you keep calling me, Johnny?"
"I don't..."
"You told me what you planned to do. How you thought you'd just make things worse. And yet, you keep calling us. Even when we insult you, hurt you, you hang up and then you call again. Why?"
"Scriabin...?"
"Maybe your perfection isn't as important to you as you think. Maybe there's something else that keeps you calling." Cold. "But it's not going to matter when we're dead."
"You're not-"
"You're always too late."
He hung up.
---
"Could you leave your house when it was happening to you?"
"I could always leave my house for a while. But I always came back."
"I can't leave... I keep trying but-"
"What do you mean?"
"I keep... I keep looping-"
Click.
---
"That doesn't sound so bad really..."
"Nny, you're going to have to speak up, I can't hear you at all."
"I said, that doesn't sound like-"
"I'm sorry, just- could you repeat that, I didn't..."
"Do you think it's the phone line? It was working okay before..."
"God, it's like... you're not doing this on purpose, are you? I can't understand you."
"What- how can you not understand me?"
"Nny, please, just... stop it, okay? I can't deal with something like this right now, it's hard enough not being sure if this is another dream or not-"
"I'm not- I'm not doing anything, I'm just talking-"
"Nny, please stop, just... please, speak english, I can't... I can't understand you at all."
"I am speaking english-"
"Nny, I'm serious, stop babbling like that, it's freaking me out-"
"I'm not babbling, I'm speaking english-"
"Nny-"
Click.
---
"Is this your noble effort? Is this all you can do? Is this the best you can do?"
"I don't know what you want from me! What do you want me to do?" Screamed back in response.
"How about you actually care about him, you-"
"I've always cared about him-"
"If you cared about him he wouldn't have a huge fucking scar on his right shoulder! How many is that now-"
"I did that because I cared about him!"
"What the hell is wrong with you!?"
---
"I hate him so much."
"You're not the only one."
---
"Have you looked at the moon tonight?"
"The moon?"
"Yeah... have you looked at it? It's full. You can see all the stars and everything."
Pause.
"...I wanted to go there once."
"Go where?"
"Over them. Over the stars."
"I don't... understand what you mean."
"It just seems like things would be better there. It'd be quiet. Over. That was a long time ago... it still doesn't sound that bad."
"...Is that a...?"
"Have you looked at the moon tonight?"
"I... I can't."
"What?"
"I looked out the window and it's all black."
"What do you-"
"There's nothing out there. There's nothing there."
"There has to be something, it's not cloudy or anything-"
"There's nothing... nothing there, it's black, except for... the red-"
The line went dead.
---
"Will you remember me when I'm gone?" Weakly.
"I'll try."
"You'll try..."
"I can remember the others still..."
"What will you remember about me?"
"...How you lied to me. Ruined it all..."
"Do you still have my coat?"
"What?"
"Do you remember? I gave you one of my coats a long time ago..."
"I..."
"Do you remember? Where is it?"
"I... I'm wearing it."
---
"So she's standing outside the playground and she's watching these kids playing, and then there's this flash in the distance-"
"Hold on." Pause. "Did you hear that?"
"What?"
"Hold on for a second." Leaning away from the phone. "Hello?"
Pause.
Back to the phone. "I thought I heard something..."
"What was it?"
"I don't know, kind of like the door opening."
"Is it Squee?"
"It's like two AM, Nny, he's aslee- Hello?" Leaning away from the phone again. "Is someone there?"
Waiting.
"What was it?"
"It just... hmm." Back to the phone. "I could have sworn..."
"Did you lock the door?"
"I always lock the door-" Cut off. "Hello?" Leaning away again. "Hello? Who's there?"
Silence.
"Edgar?"
"Hmm... look, I'll call you back, okay? I'm just going to look around."
He didn't call him back.
---
"Edgar?"
"Yes?" Hoarse and weak.
"Where have you been? I've been trying to call you for days-"
"I've been... right here." Shaking. "I've been here the whole time."
"Why didn't you pick up the phone?"
"I've been here the whole time..." Fading. "The whole time..."
"Edgar?"
"I've been here..." Whispering. "Here... here I've been here..."
"...Were you?"
"I don't know." In a very small voice before the line went dead.
---
"I can't... I can't do this anymore... I can't..."
"You have to try, you can't give up."
"Why..."
"Did you... you can't give up until you did all those things you told me about. That list, all those things- making peace with your god and talking with everyone or whatever, you can't give up yet."
Pause.
Then Edgar began laughing. Not spiteful, not mocking, but completely honest if a bit breathless.
He couldn't remember the last time he heard Edgar really laugh.
"Oh my... oh my God, Nny, are you serious? Are you actually... I..." Pause for breath. "I took care of everything months ago. Two weeks after we split ways."
Silence from his end. Edgar was still laughing.
"You didn't... honestly, you didn't think I just sat around and did nothing, did you? Like, like you paused my life while you weren't in it? Like it froze until you came back?" Laughing too hard to speak, verging into hysterical now. "Oh my God... you did, didn't you? You actually did..."
He hung up.
---
"Are you having fun yet?"
"No, why would-"
"I don't know why you keep calling me otherwise. What do you get out of this, Nny? What possible benefit could I be to you now?"
"It's not..."
"My only guess is that you think this is amusing somehow. Or maybe you call me because the fact that something else is controlling me now makes you want to do something."
"I never controlled you-"
"That's all you ever did, Nny. That's all you ever wanted. You were too much of a coward to ever have a relationship with anyone as an adult, so it always had to be on your terms. Everything had to go your way, everything has to end when you say it ends so you don't wind up hurt. All you ever wanted was to use me and control me and throw me away when you were done."
"That's not-"
"And now you can't. You can't do anything- no, I should be more specific. You won't do anything. There's nothing you can do now. Something else is controlling me, and that just tears you up inside, doesn't it? Not that it's happening, but because you're not doing it. It makes you so angry, doesn't it? So you keep calling and calling just so you can feel like you're doing something, like you still have some control over him-"
"That's not true, that's not what I wanted- this isn't what I wanted-"
"You'll never get what you want, Nny, because what you want is impossible for normal people and you're completely insane. You'll never have a normal relationship with anyone. You can't. Your flawed little brain ruins everything you touch."
"You fucker-"
"How much can you take? How much of the truth can you take before you stop calling and realize there's nothing here for you anymore? There's no illusion of friendship, no meek platitudes, no more lies, there's nothing here but the reality of what you did to him. What your influence did to him. How much abuse will you take before you run away, like you always do?"
"I don't run away-"
"You always run away, and you always will run away, because you're a coward, Johnny. You're a coward, and the fact that my words are hurting you right now means more to you than the fact he tried to slit his wrists two nights ago, doesn't it?"
"He what-"
"Your pain is all that matters, and the fact that it hurts to call him will mean more to you than anything else. How much more can you take before you give up and stop? When will you run away again like you always do and abandon him because you can't deal with pain, you hypocrite, despite all the pain you've inflicted on others for no reason?"
"I had a reason-"
"Did you have the right? Why don't you ever come over here? Why don't you ever come see him in person? Why do you only call and call and call?"
"I-"
"Or is this all you can manage? Is this all the contact with the truth you can stand, a comfortable barrier between sight and sound? How much longer will you hold out? Or, how much longer will he hold out? Are you having fun yet?"
"This-" Choking. "This isn't what I wanted to happen- not to him-"
"You're only upset because he's not dying the way you wanted him to. Grow up, Johnny."
And he hung up.
---
"We're sorry, the number you're trying to reach has been disconnected. Please redial your number and try again."
---
"We're sorry, the number you're trying to reach has been disconnected. Please redial your number and try again."
---
"We're sorry, the number you're trying to reach-"
"We're sorry, the number you're trying to reach-"
"We're sorry, the number you're trying to reach-"
---
"Edgar?"
"What?"
"What happened?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I tried to call you before, and I got... a message-"
"Oh God, what did it say? What did it say?"
"It was-"
"Please tell me it wasn't- Oh God, oh no-"
He hung up.
---
"We're sorry, the number you're trying to reach has been disconnecBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
---
"Edgar?"
Someone breathing heavily.
"Edgar, is that you?"
Nothing.
"Squee?"
Nothing.
"Who is this?" Pause. "Scriabin?"
A faint gurgling sound.
He stayed on the line until the silence was suddenly cut by the shrill beeping of a phone off the hook.
---
"Edgar?"
"Is that you, Nny?"
"Yeah. Are you alright?"
"I've just... I don't know if-"
The sound of a parade drowned out Edgar's words.
It didn't stop until he hung up.
---
"May God have mercy on me..."
"If he did, you wouldn't be going through this."
"Please..."
---
"It's like there's something- a feeling inside that I can't stop, it- it keeps growing and it won't stop, I keep shaking, I can't eat, I can't sleep, there's just- this sense of something- something coming, something growing, something... something I can't stop-"
"Is it him?"
"No, it's- it's everything, it keeps... I can't control anything anymore, I can't control myself or what I see or what's happening and things keep happening and- and I don't remember and it shouldn't be- it's like a nightmare and it won't stop, nothing I do works, it- nobody's listening- I can't breathe-"
"Calm down, you're panicking-"
"I can't do this, I can't do this-" Sobbing. "I can't- there's- nothing's real anymore-"
"That- that's why you were so important to me, do you remember? This is what it felt like-"
"I can't- even my feelings aren't mine aren't real aren't mine, can't remember, so much black time and nothing and- not alive anymore, not me anymore, nothing left, nothing touch-"
"Slow down, you're babbling-"
"Dreams and I can't tell if it's real or not, always the same, there it is and can't get away, says he'll stop it but it doesn't- what it does- says- feelings-"
"The monster...?"
"I just- I just want this to stop, I want to be me, I want- I want myself again but it won't- it's not stopping- choking- growing inside me, cancer-"
"Breathe, Edgar, you're-"
"He can't I can't no one can just let it end, let it be over, want something real just-" Voice degrading into hoarse gasps. "I didn't know how much it would hurt-"
"Not knowing what's real?"
"Everything, everything... God, who am I...?" A thud. "Who am I anymore?"
"You're Edgar Vargas..."
"Are you sure?"
Click.
---
"What are you talking about?"
"It's so close, so close, but I-"
Click.
---
"Don't give up. Don't give up-"
"Why? Why shouldn't I?"
Silence.
---
"Will you remember me?"
"I'll remember Edgar."
Pause, then a choked sob. "Fuck you, that's all I have left-"
Click.
---
"Edgar?"
Click.
Redial.
"Edgar?"
Click.
Redial.
"Edgar?"
Click.
Redial.
"Edgar?"
Click.
Redial.
"...Scriabin?"
---
"You can't kill yourself, what about Squee? What'll happen to him?"
"Who?"
---
"I can't do this anymore, I can't, I can't..."
"You can't give up, Edgar. You can't let it win."
"It's over... it's over, it's all over I can't... I can't..."
"You can, you can't give up."
"So tired... I just... I just want it all to stop..."
A heavy breath, then something heavy hitting the floor. A clatter like the phone hitting the wall.
"Edgar? Edgar, are you alright?"
Static.
"Edgar?"
Static.
The sound of a phone off its hook. Behind it, something faint and ululating he couldn't identify.
---
"We're sorry, the number you have diiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallleeeeeeeeedddd-"
---
"I... I call you and I keep getting these strange sounds. I don't know what they are."
"I don't know what they are either."
Pause. "...You sound... better."
"Do I?"
"Calmer."
"Maybe a little."
"Did you figure out what to do? Do you have a plan?"
"You could say that."
"What is it?"
"...I think I'm going to go for a nice drive."
---
Edgar did not pick up the phone again.