tw suicidal thoughts
Then they had to go home, the school year had ended. For some of them it was more like leaving home though. Their own homes felt unfamiliar after a year at the school. On the train Peter and James were excitedly discussing how James could ask Lilly out.
Remus pretended to read his book while he thought about going home. He wished he would be allowed to stay at the school for the summer. He didn't wanna bother his father. He had changed into another person ever since Remus was bitten. His guilt over the fate of his son had turned into hatred. Hatred of the very thing his son had become. In his fathers eyes Remus wasn't completely human anymore. Every time Lyal looked at his son he saw the enemy, so he just stopped looking. He tried to avoid the home during the summer because he didn't wanna face his son. And Remus knew this. He knew his father couldn't love him anymore because of the hate for what he had become.
Sirius was watching Peter and James talk while he was lost in his own thoughts. After Christmas break he hadn't heard a thing from his parents. He wasn't sure he would even be allowed to stay in their house anymore. During the Christmas dinner he had disagreed with his fathers take on the new law against arranged marriages. His father had been complaining loudly to his uncle about not being able to marry Regulus to some pureblooded french girl. When Sirius had just blurted out he thought the law was acually a pretty good idea because the girl wouldn't be stuck with the stupid inbred mess of his brother.
Lets just say he got his punishment after the rest of the family had left.
Now he had to go back again, this time for the entire summer. He wasn't sure he would be able to survive it again. But he had to. He wasn't allowed to stay at Hogwarts for the summer. He had asked McGonagall that when he was a first year.
Then the train arrived at Kings Cross. They said goodbye to each other and promised to write. No one received a letter from Sirius for the entire summer.
They all send him dozens of letters trying to contact him but he wouldn't respond. James went by his house a couple of times but every time his mother opened the door and told him Sirius was just busy. By the end of the summer they were all extremely worried for Sirius. He had told them his parents weren't the best people but they wouldn't hurt their child for sure. James's father had met Walburga a few times at the ministry and assured James Sirius was fine. He was a very respectable member of society.
On September first Sirius walked onto platform 9¾ just in time and joined them in their compartment. He assured them everything was fine and fell asleep.
They could all see Sirius was not fine but he didn't wanna talk about it so they didn't ask. It looked like he had lost 20 pounds and he had large bags under his eyes like he hadn't slept in months.
Sirius refused to talk about what had happened during the summer and just kept saying everything was fine. Every time they brought up his home life he just changed the topic. They all were aware of his home situation to some extent. They knew about his parents' views, but not what they did to him. After a few days they just stopped asking him about it.
The year progressed as usual. Every month Remus would go to the shrieking shack to undergo his gruesome transition. The next morning he would be in the hospital wing with even more scars on his body. Sirius hated that Remus had to go through that every month and he wasn't able to help. It was so unfair. Remus was the sweetest boy he knew. He would take the curse over from Remus if he could. He deserved it. He was worthless; he deserved it. But he couldn't, he had to see Remus suffer every month. see the dread in his eyes.
Remus hated that his friends knew of the monster, he saw the pity in Sirius's eyes every month when he woke up in the hospital ward. They were just friends with him out of pity. They didn't like him, they just stayed with him out of a sense of obligation. They didn't realise that the monster was a part of him, he was the monster. Not just an innocent boy. He was a killer. He feared they would come with him sooner or later, not realising the danger, and that he would kill them.
Remus started to distance himself from them, back into his safe loneliness. He started to act more distant again, saying he had to study instead of hanging out with his friends. James and Peter didn't seem to notice he wasn't hanging out with them as much but Sirius kept bugging him to come with them. He continued this behaviour into the fourth ear when it seemed like they had forgotten that he once belonged to their group. It was better that he left. They were probably only his friends because of obligation. It was better if he remained alone, he was repulsive.
Remus days started to exist only out of studying and sleeping. There was nothing left in his life except for school and his monthly illness. Life was useless, Remus couldn't envision a future where he could be happy. His existence was a danger to everyone around him so why continue it. School didn't seem to matter as much as before, he had always known that it would be impossible to find a job, so why study. Slowly as he got farther into the school year his grades started to drop, he was no longer at the top of his classes. He didn't have any motivation left to study. He had nothing left to live for.
After class one day around christmas time mc gonagall asked him to stay behind to ask him about his slipping grades. She had noticed he didn't hang out with James, Sirius and Peter as much anymore. When she asked him if he was okay he broke down. He told her everything, all his thoughts, even that he didn't want to be alive anymore. He assured her that he wouldn't act on it though. But she seemed worried for him. Remus wondered why, it was not like he was gonna do anything about it, and even if he was, what would it matter.
"Remus this is very serious, I wish you had told me this sooner but thank you for telling me. If you ever want to talk to me about something you are always welcome" But I recommend you talk to your friends about this. I assure you they want to be your friends." "They actually came to me because they were worried about you."