Chapter 13

It had been a week since Jane had given Blair the update on the investigation. Blair returned to work, and it provided a welcome distraction. Chuck had insisted on staying with her every night, Blair struggled to sleep but they watched movies together and he stayed with her until she fell asleep, then he would move into the spare room. In the morning he would tell her he'd slept well but she knew he was lying. The dark circles under his eyes gave him away.

Serena had been checking in on Blair every day and had finally persuaded her to join her for lunch that afternoon.

"B, how are you?" Serena asked as they sat down at the table.

"I'm okay. Work is keeping me busy. Chuck is taking up squatters rights in my spare room and looks like he hasn't slept for a week." Blair replied.

"Has there been any updates?"

"No. They think he's left the state. His family claim they haven't heard from him and there's been no activity on his credit card since the weekend of the charity ball. Chuck went ballistic when Jane called yesterday. He's hired a second PI to try and track him down." Blair explained.

"He told you that?"

"No, I heard him on the phone last night. I've tried to tell him to leave it to the police but it's like talking to a brick wall."

The waiter appeared to take their order and Blair silently thank him for interrupting the conversation.

"How did your first session go?" Serena continued after the waiter had disappeared.

"It was fine." Blair didn't want to go into any more detail. Her first therapy session had been tough. The therapist had encouraged Blair to talk about her experience and the feelings associated with it. They'd barely started when the memories triggered a panic attack and they had to take a break. By the end of the 2-hour session, Blair was exhausted and didn't resist when the therapist recommended medication. She'd had another attack that night, she contemplated calling out for Chuck, but she was already feeling guilty for the stress she was putting him under, so she took one of the Xanax tablets and the physical symptoms eventually calmed.

"Can we talk about something else, S? I feel like every topic of conversation is revolving around the police investigation. Tell me about these travel plans!"

Serena didn't need telling twice, and they spent the rest of their lunch date gossiping about all the places Serena wanted to visit and which cities offered the best shopping experiences.

…

Blair pinched the bridge of her nose as she stepped into the elevator of her building later that night. The long hours she was putting in at work and the broken sleep she was struggling with at night were beginning to catch up with her. Chuck had called on her way home to say he was stuck in the office sorting out a hotel disaster and wouldn't be home until the early hours. Blair reassured him that she would be fine, she planned to have a hot bath and early night and tried to encourage him to go back to his penthouse. Chuck refused but Blair threatened to ban him from her apartment permanently so he conceded, on the agreement that it was for one night only and he would be back in time to have breakfast with her in the morning.

Blair wasn't sure why she'd forced Chuck to go back to The Empire. She found it comforting to know he was in the next room, even if she refused to let herself disturb him during the night. But maybe that was the problem. She could feel herself becoming more reliant on him each day and yet, a few weeks ago, they could barely stand in the same room as each other without arguing. She wasn't even sure how to define their relationship. Friends? They'd never really been friends. In all the time they'd know each other, their feelings for each other had always been more than friendship, even if it wasn't always reciprocated by the other person.

Blair thought back to the fleeting moments they'd share in the past few weeks. Nothing more had happened since she'd kissed him in the bathroom, but she'd dreamed about what could have been, and she found herself wishing those dreams would happen more often. When she woke in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back to sleep, she would find herself wishing Chuck was next to her. Her strong exterior had been weakened by everything that had happened and she'd allowed Chuck to infiltrate her life, relying on him like you would a boyfriend. She had tried to ignore her feelings but when they occasionally crept in, it scared her. It scared her just how much she had come to depend on Chuck and yet she had no idea how he felt. She'd opened up to him in college, admitted her love for him, and he still left her. She needed to make sure she could manage alone, when all of this was over Chuck would be moving back to The Empire for good and she needed to know she could survive on her own.

When the elevator doors opened and Blair stepped into her apartment, she was shocked to see Jane standing with Dorota.

"Miss Blair." Dorota said, announcing her arrival to Jane.

"Hi Blair, I hope you don't mind me popping by." Jane said.

"No, no problem at all. I hope Dorota has offered you a drink." Blair looked at Dorota, who rolled her eyes and nodded.

"Yes, she's been very hospitable but I'm not staying long. I just wanted to give you an update. Is Mr Bass with you?"

"Erm, no. He's at work. Why, what's happened?" Blair could feel her hands shaking and she sunk her nails into her palms to try and stop the involuntary movements.

"Let's sit down and I can fill you in." Jane walked into the living room and sat down. She waited for Blair to cautiously sit down before she carried on. "We've located Mr Carter. He was arrested earlier today and is currently in police custody."

Blair stared blankly at Jane. She wasn't sure what to say, she'd been waiting for this day for over a week and had almost resigned to the thought that the police would never find him. Now that it had finally happened it seemed to make it all feel very real. Blair thought she would feel relieved, but she didn't. She felt panicked and tense.

"Has he said anything?" Blair finally asked.

"I'm afraid I can't disclose that information at the moment. Officers are still interviewing him. However, we need you to come down to the station tomorrow to answer some more questions. Would that be okay? It's just to clarify some of the information you've given us to make sure we have everything we need on tape." Jane said.

"Yea, err, yea that's fine."

Jane tried to ask if Blair was alright but Blair insisted she was fine, thanked Jane for the update and then requested that she leave so she could have an early night. Dorota offered to escort Jane out of the apartment and when they disappeared from view, Blair clutched her chest as the now familiar feeling constricted in her throat. She tried to think back to what her therapist had told her but all she could see was Steve and she couldn't breathe. Dorota rushed to her side and tried to calm her down but nothing she said seemed to get through to Blair and when she touched her to try and get her attention, Blair leapt across the sofa to distance herself from Dorota.

"Miss Blair, please. Let me help." Dorota pleaded, a look of desperation in her eyes at the way Blair had reacted to her touch.

Blair curled her legs underneath her and rocked as she cried, ignoring Dorota's words.

"I call Mr Chuck." Dorota said, grabbing her phone from her pocket and dialing Chuck's number.

By the time Chuck arrived, Blair's breathing had settled but she remained curled up on the sofa, fists clenched, staring into the distance as tears streamed down her cheeks. Chuck didn't bother to take off his coat as he rushed out of the elevator.

"Where is she?"

Dorota merely pointed to the living room and Chuck hurried into the room. He faltered for a second as he saw her then crossed the room and engulfed her in his arms. Blair stiffened slightly as he pulled her into his lap, but his familiar scent washed over her and she relaxed into his embrace, clinging onto the lapel of his coat as he comforted her.

"They've arrested him." Blair eventually said.

"I know. Andrew called me." Chuck replied.

"I thought I was getting better at controlling this."

"You mean this is a regular occurrence?" Chuck asked, as far as he was aware Blair's panic attacks had been sporadic and she hadn't had any for days.

"I've been able to stop it. It hasn't been this bad for days." Blair admitted.

"Jesus, Waldorf, you should have told me." Chuck mentally cursed himself for falling for Blair's lies. He'd asked her a few times if she'd had any more panic attacks and she'd denied it. He took it at face value, not wanting to push her but he was regretting that now.

"They were getting better. I was managing on my own." Blair spoke with more conviction this time. Reminding herself that she needed to learn to manage this alone, without Chuck rushing to her aid every time.

"I want you to promise me you'll tell me if it happens again."

"Chuck, I…"

"No arguments. Otherwise, I'm selling The Empire and moving in with you permanently."

Blair chuckled. "I'm not sure that would be a wise business move. The Bass board members would be more than a little pissed off."

"The board members can go screw themselves. That's my hotel, I can do whatever I like with it." Chuck smiled as Blair laughed again. She knew his comment was made in jest, but the hotel was everything to Chuck, that he was even willing to joke about selling it to make sure she was okay made Blair's heart swell. She almost allowed herself to daydream about the idea of Chuck being a permanent feature in her apartment, in her life, but when she closed her eyes as she laughed, she could see Steve in the darkness and her smile disappeared. A vicious reminder of the reason why Chuck was doing all of this.

Blair extracted herself from Chuck's arm, walking to the bathroom to freshen up and remove the mascara that had smeared under her eyes. When she returned, Dorota had served dinner and Blair filled Chuck in on what Jane had said while they ate. Chuck had called his assistant to inform her that he wouldn't be in work in the morning, and she would need to rearrange his meetings. Blair had protested, stating that he wouldn't be able to join her in the police station anyway so he would be better off going to work but Chuck simply ignored her and made the necessary phone calls to clear his schedule.

…

Blair knew she wasn't going to be able to sleep that night. She'd pretended to fall asleep as they watched a film so that Chuck would go to bed. She hoped he would be able to get a few hours rest but they both looked as exhausted as each other and she knew he wasn't sleeping any better than she was. Once Chuck left her room she turned over and stared at the ceiling. The silence of her bedroom was overwhelming. Her thoughts amplified with no other sounds to distract her. She thought about Steve giving his statement, trying to predict how he would twist the story, wondering if he would admit his guilt, then trying to guess what questions they would be asking tomorrow.

Blair turned to look at the clock on her bedside table. 1:37am. She sighed and turned back to stare at the ceiling. A noise in the hallway caught Blair's attention and her breath caught in her throat. It was a subconscious response and she scolded herself for such a nervous reaction to a sound that never would have bothered her before. She lived in one of the safest areas of New York, with doormen and CCTV everywhere, and Dorota. No one would be able to enter her apartment without someone knowing about it, she tried to reason with herself.

She'd nearly managed to calm her nerves until the door to her bedroom turned and she froze, not knowing whether to scream or hide. The door creaked as it opened and the light from the hallway cast a shadow across the room.

"Chuck?" Blair had shifted in bed to get a better view of the night-time visitor, recognising the dark outline of Chuck peering around the door.

"I didn't mean to wake up." His voice was gravelly, and his speech slurred. He'd been drinking.

"It's okay. I can't sleep." Blair replied. Chuck simply sighed in response. "What do you want Chuck?" Blair hadn't meant for it sound as harsh as it did.

"You may be able to fool others, Waldorf, but I know you weren't really asleep earlier. I wanted to make sure you were actually getting some rest."

"I've slept a little." Blair said, although it lacked conviction.

"You're losing your touch. I think even Nathaniel would have picked up on that lie. Can I come in?" Chuck asked, still stood in the doorway to her room.

"I don't know, Chuck." Blair sighed. "You've been such a good friend these last few weeks, I'm not sure how I would have coped without you."

"You make that sound like a bad thing." Chuck interjected.

"Maybe it is. Before that charity event, we couldn't last an hour in each other's company without fighting. That doesn't change overnight and yet it did, what happened Chuck? How did we get to this?" Blair asked.

"I'm not a total monster, Blair. I'm not going to pick an argument with you while you're dealing with everything else." Chuck rubbed his temple as he spoke.

"But what happens when this is all over? You move back to The Empire; we go back to exchanging hurtful insults and avoiding each other at every event we attend?"

"I don't know what you want me to say, Blair." Chuck replied.

"I can't risk getting hurt again, Chuck. I can't let you into my life if you have no plans to stay."

Chuck rested against the door frame as he listened to Blair. He realised in that moment that she still hadn't forgiven him for the way he'd ended their relationship, not that it was ever an official relationship. He heard one mention of serious commitment and ran, breaking Blair's heart in the process. She'd dared to utter the word love, a word that no-one had ever said to him and instead of acknowledging his true feelings, he drank himself into oblivion and disappeared. He now realised Blair's fragile heart had never truly been mended. But could he really be that person? The man that commits to a monogamous relationship, that vows to stay with the same woman for the rest of his life. Admittedly he was getting carried away with that statement, Blair wasn't requesting marriage, just confirmation that he would be there for her in whatever capacity they found themselves in. They had never been friends though; he could never be friends with her. The mere sight of her in an expensive dress or a glimpse of the lace of her stockings or flash of a bra strap would result in an instant reaction that no other woman had ever caused. They could never be friends.

That then came back to the question of what they were if they weren't friends. Chuck didn't know. He'd been jealous when he saw Blair with Steve, so he made sure to ruin it and, in doing so, he'd given Steve a reason to hurt her. Steve may have done the physical act of spiking her drink, of trying to force himself on her, but deep-down Chuck knew it was his fault. He was the reason Blair now depended on him. He was no expert in relationships but even he knew that was no foundation on which to build a lifetime together, it was never going to work. He'd already hurt her, without any effort at all, it would only be a matter of time before he did it again and he wouldn't let that happen. Perhaps the best way to protect Blair was to make sure he wasn't in her life anymore.

"You know I don't do commitment, Waldorf. This was merely a friend helping another friend, but it seems you've misread the signs. I think it's best if I leave." And with that, Chuck closed the door behind him and left Blair's apartment.

To be continued...

They may be adults now but they're still C&B, nothing is straight forward in their world ;) Steve will reappear soon but I wanted to focus on Blair and Chuck's journey through this first. Let me know what you think!

Lx