Seinfeld: "Prognosis-NEGATIVE!"
Summary: Flying to London with older Elaine (following the action of "The Number and Address of the Beast", George (the Vampire "Say is it with a y or an I, Elaine?" "Y?" giggle… "If you're Danish, George."), tells her his idea for a new version of the lousy horror film the gang had once been eager to see…
Part IV…
Given it would require a later shift to be able to perform the "testing" he'd recommended on Nurse Claire's report of the intruding visitors under conditions sure to guarantee the outcome he required, Dr. Lang had concluded it was best to pay a friendly visit to the three isolated together in the room they'd been secured in, lest their efforts to complain of their treatment find consideration among the staff.
Thus it was that the sturdy George, engaged in observing all aspects of the room with eye to unraveling both the mystery of the so-called "pig man" and finding a potential means of escape, his rather panicky friend the hapless Kramer, and the lovely Elaine…
["Georgie...That's sweet." Elaine beamed.
"Yeah. Nice." Molly/Susan, a bit grimly.]
...Received a polite knock at their locked door and a hearty request to be allowed to enter.
"Hey, yeah! Open this door, help!" Kramer, clearly overcome by panic.
"Come in...Please." George, a restraining hand on Kramer's arm.
"Try to calm yourself, old fellow. We need to keep clear heads here until we determine the true situation." he noted quietly to Kramer who continued to wave hands in panicky fashion…
"We gotta get outta here, now! Hey!" as the door opened.
"Kramer, come on...George is right." Elaine hissed. "We've gotta figure out what's up here."
"Hello, hello..." the tall, gaunt, and rather handsome figure in head covering, wearing gloves and lab coat, genially noted as he entered, bearing a bag. Behind him, quickly closing and relocking the door before, the lumpenly hulking figures of Claude in his scrubs and, behind him, two security guards.
"I trust all of you are well? No unusual symptoms as yet?" the figure addressed them through his headpiece's microphone.
"No, all of us remain quite well..." George noted.
"Excellent. Sorry for the precautions..." pleasantly regretful expression, eyes alighting on the pleasantly lovely Elaine…
["I think one 'lovely' is quite enough, George." Molly/Susan, grimly.]
"A cruel necessity..." friendly smile. Cruel necessity, indeed, he regarded...Elaine. "But primarily for your own protection. I am Dr. Eric Lang, assistant director and head of the departments of Genetics, Immunology, and Pathology."
"Yeah?" Kramer fumed. "Well, you're not keepin' Cosmo Kramer trapped in here, buddy. I'm takin' news of your pig man to the world. The World! Put that in your stethoscope and smoke it! Yeah!" raising fist.
"Excuse me, Mr...Kramer? 'Pig man'? And I urge you not to take up smoking, especially in your clearly hypertensive condition." Lang smiled.
"The 'pig man'! The PIG MAN! I know you got him here! I saw him! With these eyes!" Kramer, panicky gesticulations.
"Our friend is a bit upset..." George noted calmly. "Naturally we sought to calm his fears after he came to us claiming to have seen an unusual patient. Sorry if we violated any protocols..."
"I see...Understandable...And it's I who must apologize..." beam to a now beaming Elaine who was trying to calm Kramer by absently patting his arm… "It's our staff's failure to secure this room properly that led to this unfortunate situation. But I assure you we've arranged that any costs..."
Including the funerals…
"...Will be borne by the hospital. Well, as well as obtain your current vital signs myself, I wanted to apologize in person as a senior administrative official."
"Well, you better I got the best lawyer in town on line. Jackie Childs...The Jackie Childs!" Kramer, insistent.
"Oh, I'm sure it won't come to legal action, Dr. Lang." George, smoothly calm, wheeling closer. "If we could just see your patient, the poor fellow formerly kept in quarantine here..."
"Unfortunately, that would no longer be possible, sir." Lang, downcast look. "You see, the poor man passed away this afternoon, shortly after his transfer. And given his body remains potentially infectious..."
"Hah! They killed the pig man! THEY killed him! I told ya!" Kramer in fear-crazed tones.
"Please, old friend." George put up a calming hand. "Exactly what did the gentleman carry, as to his disease..."
"A rare tropical parasite..." Lang sighed. "Rare but highly infectious. I regret I can't break patient confidentiality to say more but I do believe the conditions of his treatment, among other things, a high-oxygen tent, might have led your friend Mr. Kramer here to his rather strange but understandable conclusions. I say, would you each mind letting me take your temperatures and blood pressures?" he pulled a sensoring thermometer out of the bag. Moving to Elaine who eyed him.
"Just need to get a bit close...There." Lang smiled, releasing thermometer trigger. "Quite normal if quite...Delightful." warm smile to Elaine who returned. He moved to George in his chair... "May I, sir?"
"Please..." George nodded.
"Normal again..."
"He had a snout, pig ears...No 'Tent'!" Kramer cried. "You keep away from me with that thing. You're injecting microchips into us with it. I saw it on You Tube!"
"I see. Well, this can wait...Just, if I may Mr. Kramer, how long did you observe him? This 'man pig'?"" Lang eyed him.
"Pig man! I dunno...A minute, maybe two...They chased me right out, the guys there, in their space suits."
"Ah, their bio-hazard suits, yes. Protocol. I think I can see where you might have thought you saw more than was there. It must have been extremely traumatic for you." Lang, kindly. "May I take your blood pressure quickly, Ms. Benes?" he turned to her.
"It was! It was terrible! Terrible!" Kramer, squeaking…As Elaine offered an arm.
"Lucky for you, you have such devoted friends...Standing by you, at such a time. Miss?" Lang smiled at Elaine… "Perfectly normal, especially under such regretable circumstances."
"Benes...Elaine Benes..." beam.
"Forgive me if I don't shake hands even with the head respirator and gloves.." Lang returning beam. "And you, Mr. Costanza?"
"Of course, doctor." George offering arm.
"I do apologize if this is interrupting your treatment. I'll be happy to arrange for a therapist to come to the room and at least guide you in your exercises."
"Most gracious, doctor." George nodded. "And perhaps you could let our friend Jerry know we're well. He's been confined to my former room...And it seems we have no phone service out of the room here."
"Good, perfectly normal." Lang removed blood pressure collar from George's arm. "Yes...A necessary precaution to avoid panic..." he smiled regretfully. "As soon as we feel there's no danger, we'll see it restored. In the meantime I can arrange for any loved ones or family members to be contacted regards your situation?"
"Again most kind, Dr. Lang, most kind..." George smiled.
"We outta be able to call out!" Kramer insisted.
"Again, as soon as possible, Mr. Kramer. We just want to avoid panic. Though I'm sure you good people would try to avoid frightening the public, word might spread before we know there's anything to be concerned about. The patients here for critical treatments could be endangered. I'm sure you understand...Ms. Benes?" warm smile.
"Mr. Costanza?"
"Certainly, doctor...Commendable consideration. If our families can be informed in private, we will be quite content, I assure you."
"I won't be content!" Kramer insisted. "I demand to speak to my ma...My lawyer...The head of the hospital!...The Mayor!"
"All in good time, Mr. Kramer. Please understand. This situation does fall under certain emergency rules and laws. We can't put the public at unnecessary risk." smile.
"But you people must be quite hungry. Let me arrange lunch for you, perhaps...In consideration of your understanding...Something outside the ordinary hospital fare. I know myself it can be quite hideous. Especially for anyone of refined palate." smile to Elaine who cooed and arched a bit.
["George? I don't do that..." Elaine frowned.
"Spot on, Georgie!" Molly/Susan beamed]
"That would be most kind, doctor." George smiled.
"I'm not eatin' anything THEY bring in here! It's poison, I tell ya! Poison!"
"And perhaps a sedative for Mr. Kramer…?" Lang smiled to George. "Perhaps then one of you could take his temperature and blood pressure?"
"Yes, probably the best thing." George nodded. "But, doctor? Before you go? Could you possibly tell us how the patient was being treated? I noticed that the trash bucket in this room contains several 96 well racks, and some discarded components of chemicals used in DNA sequencing...Were you examining the patient's DNA?"
"We monitored the parasite's DNA for any mutations. Fairly routine basic sequencing. Very keen eye you have, Mr. Costanza." slightly cool smile.
"Thank you, doctor. Coming from you, high praise indeed."
"Let me see to your luncheon. Perhaps I might suggest a fine Chateaubriand from my favorite restaurant? It should take less than an hour."
"Oooh...Chateaubriand..." Elaine cooed.
["Yeah, yeah..." Eyeing the ladies… "Just occurred to me during dinner. It's something Lang would suggest though, right?" George noted.]
"Perhaps you'd also allow me to select an appropriate wine? Ms. Benes?" Lang smiled.
"Oh, yeah..."
"I regret I can't join you but perhaps we could videochat and so enjoy our meals together, if you like…?" Lang suggested. "I might be able to give you word from your families by then, if you'd be so kind as to give me names and phone numbers?"
"Thank you, doctor..." George nodded. He turning to write on a pad. Elaine coming over…
"I do so hate having to inconvenience you...All, Ms. Benes." Lang, warmly.
"Here's my ma's number...And my lawyer's! See they call me back! Soon!" Kramer waved sheet of paper at Lang who took it.
"Of course. And I'll see to that sedative...Claude outside and the guard will handle any requests you have and we'll get that video chat set up as soon as possible. Oh, and I will see that your other friend is informed as to your condition." Lang noted, moving to door.
"Yes...Excellent. Oh, one last thing, doctor." George smiled at him. "Could you tell me why Nurse Claire and your attendant there...Claude?...Weren't wearing masks when we came to see the room? Wasn't it still…?"
"Oh, it had been fully decontaminated by then, sir." Lang noted. "It's more that Mr. Kramer might have been compromised on his earlier entry that concerns us."
"Of course, of course..." George, thin smile.
Right, smart ass...Lang eyed him. I wouldn't mind trying to spare the hot chick but would be Columbo and Bozo here?
Spare parts for my next project…
"Well, I'll be off. Remember, just let Claude and the guards know of any changes to your conditions. Good day, all." he went out the door, it locking immediately.
"Interesting..." George nodded solemnly. "My friends, I fear we are indeed, as Kramer erratically but correctly instinctively sensed, in grave danger."
"OH NO!" Kramer, hurrying to pound at the door…
"Quite..." George, sighing.
…
"Well?" Nurse Claire eyed Lang as he removed his headpiece and gloves in the small equipment room near the room in which our three heroes awaited their fates…And lunch…
"Contained, for the moment. Unfortunately one...That Costanza...Has a keen and penetrating intellect." Lang frowned. "A pity, like most, he wouldn't see the larger picture. A fine mind like that is truly a terrible thing to waste. As for that ridiculous vagabond, Kramer...If he were alone, I'd simply have him confined to a mental institution."
"And the woman...Benes..." Claire eyed Lang. "Rather attractive...In her small..."
["Hey!" Elaine cried.]
"...Way." frown.
"Now, Claire...No one holds your place in my heart." Lang smiled fondly. "But if she could be spared without endangering us, surely it would be to the good to have only two of them die. Oh, and the other fellow...Mr. Seinfeld."
"I'm sure he could be dealt with without extreme prejudice, sir." she noted, hastily.
"Oh? Interested in him are you?" smile.
"It would look strange if he also died, the same way..."
"We could arrange something else..." sneer, then smile. "However, you may be right. And I wouldn't want to trouble you if you happen to be fond of the fellow. Lets see if you and your charms can convince him that anything that should befall his friends is simply a tragic accident due to that oaf Kramer's foolishness. Naturally, if we can preserve Miss Benes as well, it could only make things more convincing..." cool smile.
"Shall we see if we can work things to our mutual personal benefit as well as the work's, Nurse Claire?"
Well...Jerry is cute. She thought. And he clearly appreciated how spectacular they are…
I mean, I really like Eric but he's so work-obsessed sometimes he doesn't even notice...Nice to be appreciated.