Seinfeld: "Prognosis-NEGATIVE!"
Summary: Flying to London with older Elaine (following the action of "The Number and Address of the Beast", George (the Vampire "Say is it with a y or an I, Elaine?" "Y?" giggle… "If you're Danish, George."), tells her his idea for a new version of the lousy horror film the gang had once been eager to see…
Part VII…
The locked quarantine room where George, Elaine, and a near-hysterical Kramer awaited their fate...
"Lets review what we know, my friends." George calmly, leaning expansively back in his wheelchair.
"Yeah, screw that…!" Kramer fumed. "We gotta get this door off! Or smash that window out!"
"We've tried to either remove the door or break the window for an hour, Kramer." George noted with his trademark patience.
["Trademark…What?" Elaine, Molly/Susan…]
"The door can't be forced or removed and the window glass is labeled unbreakable, and actually is..." George noted. "I suggest our time can better be employed in considering what the not-so-good doctor is up to and why he fears us."
"Are we really absolutely sure about Dr. Lang?" Elaine, wanly.
"Come on, Elaine...He created and then denied the pig man...He locked us in here...He won't let us contact anyone." Kramer, insistent. "He's evil...Oh, he's Evil."
"I must reluctantly concur with Kramer..." George nodded, thoughtfully. "But not entirely for those reasons...What concerns me, my friends, is the lack of any contact with the staff. We've only had vitals tested once, by Lang himself, the head of a hospital department, despite what should be a crisis situation...What does that say to you?"
"He's got a lot of time on his hands?" Elaine suggested. "I know Peterman always did despite being the big boss..."
"Amusing and perhaps not without a grain of truth..." George, pleasant nod. "But I would say it suggests he does not control the hospital staff and that he fears that staff finding out any details about us."
"Sure, sure...You said that before..." Kramer frowned. "We know that...But it's not doing us any good, we can't get to anyone, even the summoner thing for the nurse isn't working."
"All right, then. Now, as to the reason we're in here." George pondered. "Now, Dr. Lang and Nurse Claire have both said it was for security reasons due to the fact that first Kramer, then we, were exposed. Yet, despite knowing when we came in, they've made not one effort to separate us from the person most likely exposed, namely our own Kramer."
Kramer looking anxiously about himself.
"I guess. But maybe they just thought it was too late." Elaine shrugged.
"Hardly seems like infectious control procedure to me..." George noted.
"What have I been saying?" Kramer fumed.
"But what's most interesting is that we've heard nor seen nothing of the supposed dead man."
"Well, George...If he's dead and they cleaned out the room?" Elaine noted.
"But he supposedly died after they transferred him to a more secure room...Why was there no outcry between the time Kramer broke in on our supposed patient under extreme quarantine and our arrival at the room with Kramer? No securing of the room as normal, no staff but Nurse Claire and attendant Claude…?" George eyed them.
"Because no one knew about it?" Elaine offered.
"Bingo!" Kramer, pointing.
"And if no one but those two and Lang knew..." George, careful look. "Perhaps they didn't have time to remove all traces of our friend...In itself strange for dealing with such a patient."
"You think there might be something of his in here?" Elaine blinked.
"There is..." nod. "Our possibly late friend left fingerprints...Please, attend my friends." he went to the bed, breathing on the metal frame. "You see...This bed frame has several prints. It was never cleaned properly. And the fingerprints themselves are rather...Unique...If a bit faded." he indicated one large print.
"That's pretty...Large..." Elaine noted.
"Large?" Kramer peered. "It's inhuman...It's like...More of...A hoofprint."
"Yes...A human print stretched almost literally into a hoof shape." George nodded. "It seems, Kramer, you may be right about our friend."
"Then it's all true!" Kramer howled. "We gotta get out of here!"
"Given we have tried, without success, my dear fellow...I think we need a different strategy." George suggested.
"Right. HELP!" Kramer screamed, banging on the doors.
...
So first it's give 'em the tainted culture fluid, then dump the bodies, Claude. Now...It's lure 'em to the basement lab and throw the guys in the dungeon cells while not letting Miss Benes know. Wonderful. Just gotta fill in the little details as to how to do it without them reaching anybody, given it's just me and two paid off security goons.
Such is the life of Claude the lab assistant/ex-jailbird, he pondered, a tad morosely.
Still, Claude reflected...I'm doing great work for Humanity in Science now. Ma would be so proud…
Well, like they say on the History Channel when there's an actual history show on...Divide 'em and conker 'em…
"You guys? You know what ta do?" he eyed the two members of the security team long bribed by Lang to do...Most...Of his bidding without question.
Though they'd never been brought into the disposal/killin' part of the work, Claude reflected. Best to emphasize this is just dealin' with troublesome and dangerous patients, for insurance-related reasons, as usual.
"Don't let the guys out, don't scare the lady." one noted, the other nodding.
"Ok. Lets see if we can do this without any trouble...Remember they may have been infected, but as long as you got your gloves on you're ok." Claude noted.
He rapped at the locked door on the other side of which George and Kramer had been previously, steadily, without success unfortunately, trying to find a way to open or perhaps take off…
"Uh, folks. We're ready for one of you. Uh, Miss Benes? Could you come over, please?"
"I'm gonna rush em!" Kramer hissed. "You two keep em busy."
Us? Elaine stared at George in his chair who returned her stare.
"Kramer, dear fellow...As I just tried to explain, I really think..." George began…
"Nhht..." Kramer, finger to lips. "Just keep em..." The door opened...He rushed for it.
"Whoa!" as the more burly of the two guards tossed him back…
"Sorry, pal." Claude sighed. "You know we can't let you out. Doc's orders and it's the law. Miss Benes? We need to take you to another room for a blood sample then we're gonna move you to your own room sos you'll have your privacy."
"Indeed?" George eyed him as Kramer, groaning rose. "Don't try that again, buddy..." the guard who'd knocked Kramer back eyed him sternly.
"Just where are you taking Ms. Benes?"
"Phlebotomy for the blood draw, then a new room in Dr. Lang's section. You'll be goin' there soon, too, fella. Don't worry." Claude attempted a kindly expression. "We're just doin' this for yer own good."
"I don't want to go alone!" Elaine, backing away. "I want to see the hospital director!"
"Now, lady..." Claude sighed.
"Perhaps it would be best if I accompanied Miss Benes, gentlemen." George suggested. Claude eyeing him.
"What, leave me here?! Alone!" Kramer cried. "No!"
"Yes, bring George with me. That's the only way I'll go!" Elaine cried.
Well...Claude thought, eyeing George in chair.
Guy's in a wheelchair...Not likely to make too much trouble. If we're quick.
And I can see we're gonna need all three of us with the last one…
"Ok, if you like. But lets get movin'. Dr. Lang wants that blood sample asap."
"Don't leave me! Elaine! George! They'll kill me!" Kramer howled.
"Poor fellow's a bit upset." George nodded.
"I'll take your friend here back here soon as Miss Benes is set." Claude offered. "That's the best I can do, ok, pal?" he eyed the panic-stricken Kramer.
"It will be fine, old fellow." George noted to Kramer calmly. "Just sit tight and be ready to go when I come back."
"If you come back!" Kramer, shaking head.
"Lets go..." Claude insisted.
"Ok, ok..." Elaine agreed, picking up purse. "But tell Dr. Lang Miss Benes wants to see him stat!"
"Sure, lady. Will do." Claude nodded. "Troy, help Mr. Costanza."
"Wait! Let me come!" Kramer cried. "I'll push George. Please!"
"I don't think so. Lets get your friends set and we'll be back. I'll take Mr. Costanza back to you myself." Claude, nodding.
"In a black bag! I know what you people are up too…!" Kramer, frantically.
"Sure, pal." Claude shrugged. "Come on, folks. Time's awastin'."
"Courage, Kramer." George, steadying look.
"Help! Help! HELP!" Kramer cried as one of the guards and Claude led Elaine out and the other guard pushed George, the door closing and locking behind them.
"Sorry about our friend." George noted to Claude. "Today's events have profoundly upset him."
…
"You say my Jerry is in the hospital? New York University Hospital? Oh, my God, no! What? What?! He's all right? How can he be 'all right' if you're calling me to tell us our son is in a major hospital? Exposed to what? When? How was he exposed? It was that Kramer, wasn't it? I knew it..." Mrs. Seinfeld, on phone, frowned.
"Jerry's in the hospital?" His father asked, anxiously, listening. "Why is he in the hospital? It's that sofa again, right? His back's out, right? Knew that sofa was a death trap."
"Just a minute, let me talk to this lady. Excuse me? Sorry, who are you? Oh, you're the head nurse of the department he's been admitted to. Admitted? Why? Sorry, this is very upsetting. Yes? Well, hello Miss Holland. How is my son? He's ok? How ok? How if he's in the hospital? What? Just exposed to his friends who were exposed to an infected patient? How could that happen? You don't know?" she leaned over to Jerry's anxious father… "They don't know. How could they not know?"
"They never do...It's for the insurance. I'm calling my lawyer!"
"Just wait a minute..." she returned to the phone. "You say he's not in any danger right now. Just a precaution? You're sure? I see."
"Did they hit him with an ambulance? That happens a lot!" the father noted.
"Wait a minute...Ok, Miss Holland. So, he's ok but he was exposed and you need to keep him under observation overnight till tests are done? What tests? Ok. What about his friends? Oh? Oh, no..." hand to mouth.
"They're dead?" the father stared. "Which of them is dead?!"
"They're not dead!" Mrs. Seinfeld sighed. "Everyone's alive. They were just exposed to some poor man with a serious infection."
"Those hospitals! Death traps, all of them! Remember when they stole my wallet?!
"That wasn't a hospital!"
"Same thing!"
"And you found your wallet later..."
"After they put it back, to keep me from suing them."
"Oh...Come on...Sorry, dear. So, my son is ok, right now? This is just observation? But the others may be in more danger? Oh, my. What? Uh, not that I know of, right now. Not that he ever tells us...Honey? Is Jerry with anyone now? The nurse wants her number if he is."
"Why would he tell me and not you?" shrug. "Last girl he told us anything about was Elaine..."
"You might try calling his friend Elaine...Elaine Benes. What? Oh, no! She's there too? What? No, we don't know of anyone else. What? Well, they were dating, a few years ago...But Jerry insists that's over as does Elaine...Though confidentially...I think Elaine still likes him. What? Oh? You and Jerry? Really?" hand over phone… "Honey, Jerry's going with this nurse. She seems really nice..."
"A nurse? Well, that's not bad. Good for him. And good timing too. Can I speak to her?"
"Just a minute. You better look up flights to New York. Sweetheart, what is your name again?" she returned to phone. "Claire? That's lovely...Claire Holland...So nice. And you're a nurse? Oh, right, head nurse of your department. Wonderful. You can call me Helen." beam. "Well, how exactly did Jerry get exposed to whatever this is?"
"This computer stinks." Jerry's father, now at desk in corner, fuming at laptop. "I better just call the airlines..."
...
"Just ten ccs, that's all." Claude informed the phlebotomist, Elaine eyeing her nervously. "It's to go with me to Dr. Lang. Here's the paperwork. Mr. Costanza's is there, too. Same deal."
"Ok..." the phlebotomist reviewed the sheets quickly.
"This will be used to test for...What, exactly?" George asked quietly.
"Says it's a screen of several pathogens..." the woman noted, eyeing him.
"I see and the specific pathogen we were exposed to?"
"It's not specified, they must want to avoid biasing the result." she shrugged.
"That's how the doc does it." Claude, nodding.
"I see." George smiled.
"Could I make a call? I want to let my parents and some people know where I am..." Elaine tried.
"No calls." Claude, firmly. "It's an infection control matter, code 87."
"Really? I didn't hear anything about that." the phlebotomist frowned.
"It's confined to these two and one other guy, the guy who broke quarantine. Just the usual precautions." Claude, firmly. "Can we get it done, please? The doc is waiting. You can check with him later."
"Ok, you're set, miss." the phlebotomist put gauze on Elaine's arm, gently putting tube of blood into a carrier rack. "Mr...Costanza?"
"Quite all right...Could you make it my left arm, please, darling?" he held out his left arm.
…
"George Costanza? My son George?" Frank Costanza stared at the phone.
"What did Georgie do now?" his wife asked, anxiously.
"He was exposed to what? Where? When? What are you saying, miss? What kind of a hospital would expose my son to a quarantined patient?! Didn't he go in for physical therapy for his legs?! What are you people up to there!"
"Oh, George!" Mrs. Costanza wailed. "Let me talk to him! Georgie!"
"Look, nursie….I want someone higher up to report to me." Frank fumed at phone. "I wanna know what the hell is wrong with your hospital!...Serenity now! Serenity NOW! What? It's a mediation phrase to give me serenity. All right, have this 'Dr. Lang' call me, asap. We'll be coming in as soon as possible. What do you mean, we won't be able to see him? What's going on here? What kind of government conspiracy are you running there?! All right! Have him call me at this number! And what's his phone number there?! What?! What rules?! If you're trying to smuggle his dead body out before I get there, I'm suing everyone! Serenity NOW!"
"Oh, my Georgie...Why didn't I have you come home here where you'd be safe?!" Mrs. Costanza wailed.
…
Hmmn…Nurse Claire, rather stunned after Frank slammed phone down.
That did not go well…And Mr. Costanza was surprisingly close in his assessment…As we will be trying to smuggle his son's dead body out later.
Helen was so nice, though…She beamed.