His arrival was soon known at the Parsonage; for Mr. Collins was walking the whole morning within view of the lodges opening into Hunsford Lane, in order to have the earliest assurance of it, and after making his bow as the carriage turned into the Park, hurried home with the great intelligence. On the following morning he hastened to Rosings to pay his respects. There were two nephews of Lady Catherine to require them, for Mr. Darcy had brought with him a Colonel Fitzwilliam, the younger son of his uncle Lord -...

P&P Chapter 30

"Hoooooly Shitbirds!"

"Even for you, that's not the reaction I expect when seeing a beautiful woman, Darcy."

"Admittedly, that is not my usual phrase for this situation, Richard."

"Care to explain?"

"That gorgeous lady is Miss Elizabeth Bennet."

"You mean the one you think might be an Elizabot?"

"Keep your voice down. Elizabots have hearing about as good as an owl."

"Holy Shit!"

"Now we're on the same page."

"Whatcha gonna do?"

"Finish my tests. If it's a replicant, I'll have to retire it. If she's a lady, I'll have to marry her."

"You do realize there are other alternatives."

"Not when someone is stuck in your head like she is."

"You're goddamned hopeless, Darcy. Do you really think you can be objective?"

"I have to be. Elizabots are very-very good at camouflage, but not perfect. I can work it out with 100% accuracy if she stays another week."

"Sounds like a suicide mission to me, but I suppose it won't be our first dance. What should I do?"

"I need more observations. Talk to her about music, traveling, books – your usual. Flirt a little bit and let me observe. Elizabots have verbal quirks that they can't quite overcome."

"Such as?"

"Mostly they can't help slipping in words from dead languages or using them in a way that was correct once, but most modern scholars get wrong."

"Like Latin? Based on that theory we could retire every tutor in England."

"Not entirely convinced that's a bad idea when you get right down to it. My knuckles will never recover. "

"Not my fault your penmanship and Latin were so very-very bad."

"Be that as it may, there are other specific behaviors besides language to check for. Just talk to it, Fitzwilliam. Won't kill you."

"Didn't you have a similar conversation with Bingley back in Meryton?"

"Let's get to it man."

"Miss Bennet, what an unexpected surprise!"

"Interesting choice of words, Mr. Darcy."

"What do you mean?"

"I think 'unexpected' is just your best guess at a polite word to replace the more specific, and therefore more accurate 'unwelcome'."

"You could never be unwelcome, Miss Bennet!"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me! The statement was clear enough, and entirely unambiguous."

"You are the most inconsistent man I've ever met, Mr. Darcy."

"Now you'll have me scratching my head for a day wondering what you actually meant by 'inconsistent'."

"Perhaps we can make an agreement?"

"As I said before, I would by no means suspend any pleasure of yours, madam."

"Once again, we stumble over words. In this case, your hidden meaning for 'pleasure' is difficult to work out."

"I will admit that there were things on my mind when we danced at Netherfield, and that dance was not my finest moment… but right now, I wish you would take the statement at face value."

"Now you are just confusing."

"Is that an improvement over 'inconsistent'?"

"Well, Mr. Darcy… Ummmm… I suppose so."

"Perhaps we could have an agreement between us, Miss Bennet."

"Such as?"

"For the duration of our overlapping stay in Rosings, suppose we agree that we will both do our best to use the correct English word that exactly means what we wish to say."

"I suppose that will be… acceptable? adequate? satisfactory?"

"Good enough!"

"So why is my presence a surprise, Mr. Darcy? And while we're at it, aren't all surprises unexpected by definition? If they were expected, they wouldn't be surprises."

"You have me there! To answer your question, Lady Catherine is my aunt and I come to assist her twice a year. I did not expect to see you here."

"Well, I am visiting my friend. You would have known her as Charlotte Collins if you had bothered to meet anybody."

"Touché! Or does that violate my promise to use the correct English word?"

"You almost made a whole sentence – good boy! Be that as it may, Charlotte married my distant cousin, Mr. Collins. He's that odd man who introduced himself to you at the Netherfield ball. He's my father's heir presumptive."

"Well, you are most certainly welcome… to me anyway… that is… well… it's not my place to welcome you to someone else's parsonage or someone else's estate… but I hope you get my meaning."

"I worked it out… eventually. Thank you, Mr. Darcy. Your welcome is… … … unexpected."

"Unexpected, but not unwelcome, I hope?"

"No, not unwelcome… I think."

"That will do for the present."