chapter 9: Forgive and forget
Toffee was still alone in his bedroom, sitting on the floor, thus blocking the door, regretting everything he just did. He felt so ashamed that he lost his cool in front of everyone. Why did he allow it? Nothing good every happened when he let his emotions out. This all made him seem unstable. How could anyone respect him, if he was unstable?
His thought process was interrupted, when he heard a knock on the door. Whoever that was, should he allow them to enter? He was feeling a little bit calmer, compared to earlier. Besides, part of him needed somebody to talk to, so maybe he should just open the door.
Toffee stood up and opened the door, to see Razzles:
- Oh!- he said quietly.- Hello there!
- Do you...- Razzles spoke with hesitation.- feel better?
- A little bit.- he replied.
Without saying anything else, Razzles hugged her father, but since he was much taller than her, she could wrap her arms only around his legs. Toffee lifted his daughter up, so he could return the hug. He took her inside the bedroom, closing the door with his tail.
While still holding his daughter close to him, Toffee sat on the bed. He was caressing her hair, rocking from side to side slowly, and humming something, which sounded like a lullaby. Toffee used to do sing to her all the time, when she was a baby. This always calmed her down, especially when she was crying. Listening to her father's voice, his scent, hugging her with his big and strong arms always made her feel safe. He was not sure if it was working now, because he heard sniffing- Razzles was crying:
- Hey, what's wrong?- he asked with a warm and gentle tone.
Instead of answering, she hit him angrily in the chest with her fist, but of course he barely even felt it. She did it a few more times, before saying:
- Why do you always do this?- Razzles said, through her tears.- Why do you always turn your back?
- Force of habit, I suppose.- he replied. He touched her cheek gently.- Razzles, I am sorry I made you cry. And I am sorry you saw me like this earlier. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you.
- How come I know you will never do this again?
- I'll do my best. I promise.
- No!- she lamented.- You can't promise me that. You can't promise to just pretend that you're fine, when you're obviously not. That's why everybody thinks those horrible things about you. But I know you can be better than this. Just try!
Toffee sighed:
- Hunny, I know you are still a child and there are a lot of things you do not understand, but things are not as easy as we all wish to be.
- Just! Try!- she begged him.- Otherwise, you'll only hurt the one creature I love the most. I can't stand seeing that.
- Razzles.- Toffee spoke.- When I decided to raise you as my own child, I swore to be the father you deserve. In my life I have seen so many things, that can harm you. Forgive me for allowing myself to be one of them!
- If I forgive you, will you start to forgive others?
- "Forgive and forget."- Toffee quoted the old saying. He never believed in that.
He was the type, who never forgot, and most importantly, never forgave. He believed that no one in his life ever deserved forgiveness. His own parents tortured him both mentally and physically, to the point that he didn't feel pain anymore, his classmates hated him, the one, whom he considered his best friend, abandoned him, everyone outside of Septarsis wanted to see him burning on a stick, naked and mangled. What was the point of him giving anyone a chance, when they themselves never gave him a chance in the first place? Everyone, who knew him treated him like an enemy.
Then he looked at Razzles- his irreplaceable little girl, the only one, who believed in him. But now when he thought about it it wasn't just Razzles, though. There were also Mrs. Marigold and Seth. And it's not like like Rasticore was not working like a dog to make up for what happened. And Star...she was the most stubborn, annoying, irresponsible and irrational mewman, he ever met. But at the same time- the bravest and the most forgiving. Despite that he put both her and her family through Hell, she was still here in Septarsis with him, doing everything she can do to help. Whether she was actually doing a good job is another story:
- I know I am asking for much.- Razzles continued.- But I cannot stop thinking about those awful things everyone has said about you. They think you are heartless, but I know this isn't true.
- Hunny, I don't care what some mewmans think about me.- Toffee said.- I am the future ruler of Septarsis, and general of the army. I am the one, whom every septarian counts on. If one is too weak to accept the norms, then they don't have a future. Life is not generous towards the weak! Such are the circumstances we live in- they are not perfect, but they are what we have. Remember that time when you bruised your knee?
Razzles nodded:
- Yes, there was so much blood and it hurt.- she answered.
- Do you remember what I told you then?- he asked.
- You told me that this will happen all the time, but I must not let it stop me.
- And then your knee regenerated in a matter of seconds and you realized that there was nothing to be scared of.
- I wish I was strong and fearless like you.- Razzles confessed.- You're not afraid of anything.
- Good to hear.- he patted her head.
- You know, I forgive you.- Razzles said.- You are right- I don't know about everything, which has happened to you, but I want you to feel loved, so you can stop thinking otherwise. It's not just me- Mrs. Marigold loves you, Rasticore loves you, Star loves you, Seth loves you, the whole Septarsis loves you. You! Are! Loved! You are not alone and you are not insignificant. All you have to do, is to show them who you really are.
Toffee knew she was right, but at the same time it was hard to listen to that advice. But then again, he did not want to see her miserable:
- Okay, angel!- he gently touched her cheek.- I'll try. For you. Anything for you!- he took a bundle of her hair and kissed it.- I love you, treasure!
The two hugged.
Star was losing her patience, so she went to check on Toffee. When she peeked through the small gap, the door made, she saw Razzles, now in bed, with Toffee helping her to fall asleep by singing a lullaby:
"Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can't you understand
Oh, my little girl
All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here
In my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
Enjoy the silence"
After he finished the song, he kissed her on the cheek, his affectionate smile, did not leave his face, and he whispered: "Good night, treasure!"
He left the room, closing the door behind him, only to be met by Star's big smile and teary eyes. She was definitely eavesdropping again. Toffee frowned, a little annoyed:
- Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!- Star reacted.- Toffeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Toffee did not say anything. What was the point, anyway:
- You really are a nice guy, when one gets to know you!- Star continued.
- Are you finished?- he asked unimpressed by her comment.- Aren't you supposed to be in bed?
- Yes, "dad", but I was just worried about you.
- You were worried about me?- he repeated confused.
- Well, yeah!- she confirmed.- After you burst out like this, you expect me to not say anything.
- Let's not discuss this!- Toffee suggested, embarrassed by his sudden display of emotions.
- We WILL discuss this!- she insisted loudly.
- Keep your voice down, please!- Toffee said.- You're gonna wake up the child.
- I'm sorry!- Star apologized quietly.- But I cannot leave it like this.
- Okay, maybe tomorrow.- Toffee responded.- It's too late now. We should all be going to bed.
- Fine!- Star sighed desperately.
Star went to her room and Toffee followed her, just to be sure she would keep her promise:
- By the way- Star spoke, breaking the silence once again.- I like the song you sang to Razzles. I've never heard you sing before. You are pretty good.
- A compliment from you?- Toffee said snarkily.
- Come on!- Star continued.- I mean it. Could you...sing it again?
- Since when do you need lullabies to fall asleep?
- Please! And I won't leave this room, until sunrise. Deal?
- Okay.- he sighed.
Star was now lying in her bed, with Toffee kneeling right next to her. She closed her eyes and listened to his singing. It sounded so calming and beautiful. His deep and monotone voice always sounded incredibly creepy to her, but this time, it sounded like...like...the voice of someone, who could protect her.
Toffee was done singing, so he stood up and went to the door's direction, but he heard Star's voice:
- Good night, Toffee!
- Likewise, little butterfly!- he smiled at her, and after that, he left the room and closed the door.
Back in the Butterfly kingdom, the night was not easy for Moon. The nightmare she had was torturing her. She saw thousands of corpses surrounding her, blood everywhere. The sky was grim and dark- the difference between day and night was barely visible. The most shocking, though, was the sight of Toffee right in front of her. Down on all four limbs, looking like a dinosaur, he looked at her with his vicious eyes. In his mouth he was holding none other than Star. He has bitten her by the neck and has killed her mercilessly. That beast has done it this time. That bastard, son of a bitch, has really done it. Toffee has killed her only child, and there was no going back. Moon screamed. She screamed as loudly as she could. Then she woke up.
It was only a dream! A horrible dream. She was just lying in her bed, her husband River sleeping and snoring right next to her, blissfully unaware of the nightmare his wife just had. It seemed like everything was okay. Moon was home with her husband, but that dream did not make her feel calm.
The next morning, Toffee did his sunbath much earlier than the others. After Rasticore, Razzles and Mrs. Marigold finished with their sunbaths, they all went to the kitchen, only to see Toffee already there preparing breakfast:
- Good morning!- he greeted them casually.- It's almost done, so you can all sit on the table.
Although slightly confused, they were all hungry, so they simply obeyed. It was not too long before Star came and joined them:
- Morning, Toff!- she said cheerfully.- Whatcha' cooking there?
Toffee placed all the meals on the table:
- Pancakes with worms for Rasticore and Mrs. Marigold, for Razzles- with chocolate too, as she likes them. Since you Star, do not eat much of the food in Septarsis, I simply made you the version without worms.
- With chocolate?- she asked playfully.
- Mhm.- he answered laconically.
- Thanks, Toff!- she thanked him and immediately started eating.- Those are great! You're pretty good!
- Who do you think has been feeding Razzles for 7 years?- Toffee asked rhetorically.
- Aren't you gonna eat too?- Razzles asked.
- Mine is not ready yet.- he replied.
- Dad is not master cook, but most of the things he does are pretty good.- Razzles told Star.
- It was easier when you were a toothless infant. Simply giving you purees was more than enough.- Toffee added, while cooking.- Once you teethed, though, you needed solid food as well, so I learned a thing or two.
- Did she bite?- Rasticore asked. All septarian babies bit, once they had their fangs.
- Not as much as she liked pulling my hair.- Toffee responded.
- I did?- Razzles asked, obviously very surprised.
- Mhm.- her father responded.
- Aww, that's so cute!- commented with a smile.
- It is, when it's not happening to you, madam.- Toffee said.
Star could not stop smiling, while watching them talking and laughing. They looked so happy, and it's almost as if there was not a crisis they had to work on.
When wondering what lullaby Toffee should sing to Razzles, I decided to choose "Enjoy the silence" by Depeche mode, since the title of the fanfiction is a Depeche mode reference already.