"You better hurry up, If you're the one for me, I don't understand, I can't seem to find my boy Find my,, find my, Find my boy" - Find My Boy, Alessia Cara

…

Why the English department decided that it was a good idea to make a bunch of teenagers soon heading off to college read all about love was beyond MJ. It wasn't like half of the hallways were filled with teenagers being lovey-dovey and all over each other, nor was it like most of those same teenagers would soon break up anyways.

She rolled her eyes as her AP English teacher passed around sheets with the unit syllabus.

Romeo and Juliet–cliché. Random Family, I could go for that. Layla and Majnun, diverse. Jane Eyre, been there, done that.

The questions the class had to address were "what is true love," "what do authors have to say about love," and "how do literature and characters demonstrate the different experiences of love."

The couples in the class began to get excited as if any of them knew what true love was. MJ rolled her eyes. They would never know what it's like to love across space, time, and reality.

Wait. Did MJ?

The immediate answer was yes, of course. Her heart said she knew exactly what that entailed and how it felt. The amount of sacrifice and resilience involved. But, yet again, her brain was saying the exact opposite.

Love wasn't for her, it told her. Love was for children.

MJ shook her head. She was sick of the constant back and forth between her brain and her heart, arguing over what is real, what isn't, and why it even mattered. But despite all of the memory lapses, MJ knew herself well enough to know she wouldn't be disappointed with her peers without reason. If she felt like she knew something that they didn't, even at some point in the past, she trusted that instinct.

Breaking her out of her thoughts, Ned turned towards MJ and asked, "Hey, have you ever been in love?"

She bit her lip and looked around to make sure nobody was watching her conversation. She did not need to be gossiped about in the hallways. MJ had enough to think about already.

"I think so," she finally replied, "I just, don't remember."

Ned nodded, understanding right away. "I get that too," he said before returning to his work.

MJ appreciated that Ned, usually really excitable and talkative, didn't push her too far or pry. It was almost like he just knew and experienced the same things she did. But MJ wasn't one to pry either. She was stubbornly set on suffering in silence.

As class dragged on, MJ became bored. Her mind wandered, having already read most of the works on the syllabus and becoming irritated at the high school immaturity around her. Her thoughts landed on those missing memories, trying to connect the dots.

There were a few things that gave her this feeling, where her heart knew, but her brain said otherwise: Peter, Spider-man, love, and magic. At any other time, she would never dare associate any of those things with herself. She was a science-driven, independent woman, not a damsel, a swooner, or a schoolgirl.

But the facts were the facts. So, Peter had to be connected to love, magic, and Spider-man. MJ went through all the possibilities. Maybe Peter is Spider-man? Maybe they were all involved in magic? Were they a thing? But why wouldn't he have said something?

All MJ knows is that she wants answers. She wants to feel whole again, whatever that means in this fucked up world of time reversals and multiverses and superheroes, not to mention climate change and capitalism.

This internal crisis wasn't even over the boy. It was mostly about finding herself again and understanding where her emotions and thoughts were coming from. If that involved a boy and love, then so be it.

She wouldn't go insane as Layla and Majnun did over the other's absence. She wouldn't be led to live a life that she didn't want to live like the characters in Random Family. Nor would she stand by harming herself or anyone else over love.

But MJ knew she was smart enough to figure it out. Whatever it is, whoever it is, she would find her boy and find herself. After all, time is ticking (she's becoming more cynical by the day), and if MJ is to find herself again (and happiness while she's at it) it would be on her terms.