You all are fabulous! I'm so happy that you take time to leave reviews and let me know what you think. MSec fans are the best.
Here's my new offering. There are only a couple more chapters to this one (I think, unless I get a wild hair and add to it). Thank you for tagging along with me and indulging my crazy stories.
Chapter 13
"McCord!" Henry's head shot up and he turned toward the entrance of the bar. Seeing several of the guys from ROTC, Henry did his best to smile, even if just to avoid the questions that he felt would be coming.
"Where have you been, man?" One of the younger men named George said, as he clapped him on the shoulder. "We hardly ever talk anymore. You show up for drills and then you're gone. What gives?"
Steve gave George a shove. "He's got a girl, you dumbass. Haven't you seen them around campus? But, there must be trouble in paradise. Ol' Henry here is nursing a whiskey. Bartender!" Steve called, "Bring my friend here another."
"I don't need…" Henry started, but the drink was already being placed in front of him. He downed the glass that had just a fingerful remaining and pushed it down the bar, wrapping his hand around the new one.
"I'm fine guys. There's nothing wrong. Just blowing off some steam." A couple of the guys looked skeptically at him, but George grabbed him by the shoulder and dragged him off the barstool.
"Then you need to join us."
It took Henry a split second to realize that trying to get out of joining the group was going to be much more difficult than going along, so he grabbed the tumbler of whiskey and followed the men to the table.
Sunlight streamed in through the broken blind and Henry swore it felt like a laser beam, even though his eyes were closed. He rolled to escape the light and the churning in his stomach kept him from staying in that position more than a few seconds. Catapulting himself off the bed, he barely made it into the bathroom. Falling to his knees, he emptied the remaining alcohol from his stomach. "Oh, God," he moaned.
Henry shifted, as his sudden need to hit the toilet angled him more to the side than the front of the apparatus and his shoulder was wedged against the vanity drawer pull. It was uncomfortable to say the least. Retching a few more times, until all that came out was bitter, yellow bile, Henry fell back against the bathtub, the porcelain cooling his sweaty back.
Taking a deep breath, he gripped his head and hoped that the pressure would keep it from exploding. He hadn't felt his head pound like this since a run-in with Influenza A his freshman year. After gathering himself for a few minutes and making sure that he wasn't going to vomit again, Henry stood and staggered out to the kitchen. It didn't sound appealing, but he forced himself to drink a full glass of water and then found the aspirin bottle and took four with a second glass of water.
Henry leaned against the counter nursing the third glass of water and thought back to the previous night. He tried to rationalize how he'd been so easily talked into binge drinking. He usually wasn't one to drink more than a few beers, and could only think of a handful of times that he'd been drunk, and he didn't think he'd ever been as drunk as he was the night before.
He supposed that he was in a precarious place. He'd shared his feelings with Elizabeth and she'd all but shut him down. He was adamant that he would wait as long as it took for her to come around, but he couldn't deny that it was frustrating for her to be all in one minute only to completely withdraw the next. It wasn't that he didn't understand it. He did. She had a lot of things that she was trying to work through, except even as Henry thought it, he wondered. Is she really trying to work through anything, or is this just going to be how it is? He wasn't sure that he wanted to live like this forever.
Setting the glass on the counter, Henry sighed and headed back to the bathroom. Maybe a shower and some fresh air would clear his head.
— ∞ —
Joan was parked in the fire lane in front of Elizabeth's dorm. The older woman tapped her fingers nervously on the steering wheel. Elizabeth had called just after sun up and asked if Joan would pick her up after she was done with Mass. That was unheard of. Elizabeth was not a morning person. She never called before noon and it was typical for Joan to get a call well after lunch with some sort of excuse as to why she couldn't make her weekly visit. Joan knew that something had happened.
Elizabeth appeared in the doorway, looking frail as she held the massive oak door. As she always did, she stepped out and took the three steps to the edge of the porch, squared her shoulders and stepped down onto the sidewalk and counted her steps to the road in front of the building. Joan stepped from the car and met her niece at the front bumper. "Good morning, Lizzie." Joan attempted to keep the mood light.
She could tell that Elizabeth attempted a smile, but it served to look more like a wince and the worry line across her forehead was deep. She had the red dress folded neatly over her arm and held the shoes in her left hand. "Good morning. Thanks for picking me up a little early." Elizabeth reached out and when her fingertips touched the fender, she gently swept them along until she felt the door handle. She lifted it and slipped into the passenger seat.
Joan watched the girl for a moment before rounding the front of the car, climbing in beside her. She pulled out onto the street and pointed the car in the direction of her home. "How did last night go?" Joan finally asked.
"It was nice. Henry made pasta, and we talked and we danced." Elizabeth stopped. She didn't really know how to explain the rest of the evening. She'd shut down and Henry had no recourse other than to take her back to the dorm. She'd spent the rest of the evening crying, but she wasn't really sure why, because he said he loved her and that was supposed to be a good thing. The problem was that it didn't feel good at all, and she was at odds with herself. She wanted to shove him as far away as possible and simultaneously hold on to him and never let him go. The roller coaster of emotions was exhausting.
"It sounds like a lovely evening. How come you don't look like you had a lovely evening?" Joan asked. She tried to keep the tone light, because she knew better than to push Elizabeth. That was a sure fire way to get the girl to shut down, but she obviously had something to get off her chest if she wanted to be picked up at 10 am.
As Joan drove the few blocks to her house, Elizabeth leaned her head against the window as she fiddled with the hem of the dress that lay in her lap. It was evident that Elizabeth wasn't going to willingly volunteer any information, but Joan was having a difficult time keeping quiet about the whole thing. "Henry's expression when he saw you was priceless. He couldn't keep the smile off his face. You know he likes you, right?"
"He told me that he loves me," Elizabeth murmured.
"Ah, so that's it," Joan nodded her head knowingly. "I bet that came as quite the shock."
Elizabeth stiffened and turned away from Joan. "He should find someone else. He shouldn't settle."
Joan pulled into her driveway. She put the car into park and faced Elizabeth. "And you think he'd be settling with you?"
"Of course he would," Elizabeth snapped, whipping around.
"I don't understand. Lizzie, you're kind, smart, pretty, well spoken, funny. You are stubborn, but surely he's seen that side of you. What am I missing?"
"Oh, maybe that I'm blind. He'll always have to be thinking about that. He'll always be worried about it and want to watch over me. Henry is good and kind and thoughtful and ambitious. I would just hold him back. I should have never let myself think we could be friends. He deserves better than me."
Joan reached out and took her hand. "Lizzie, for a girl who is so smart, sometimes you're dumber than a box of rocks. Henry McCord knows exactly who he's getting, and if he says that he's in love with you, then he's in love with you. You need to get over whatever it is that's holding you back, because you love him too."
Elizabeth's mouth dropped open. "I do not." Each word was punctuated and laced with venom.
Joan couldn't hold her tongue any longer. "Just stop lying to yourself. I've watched you over the past few months. You smile more, you're more relaxed, you're happier. You love him. You just don't want to admit it."
"I don't want to love him. I told myself that I would never love anyone else. What happens if he goes away with the Marines and something happens? I won't love him."
Joan saw her niece's expression and she would normally not push, but Joan couldn't let it go. She'd let Lizzie direct the narrative for far too long. It was time that Lizzie heard what she had to say. "Lizzie, what happens to you right now if you never see Henry again?" Elizabeth's mouth fell open and that familiar twisting inside her chest threatened to take all of her breath away. She shook her head. She needed Joan to stop.
"That emptiness inside you will just grow. You'll push Henry away and you'll have to deal with that hurt all over again. Is that how your parents would've wanted you to live? Is that what they taught you? To be stingy with your feelings? To not share yourself? Do you think they would approve of the way you've chosen to close yourself off from people? Do you think that they would want you to go through life and hardly ever speak their names?"
"Shut up!" Elizabeth screamed. "Just shut up. You have no idea what you're talking about." Shoving the dress off her lap, into the floorboard, she wrenched the door open and leapt from the car. Her plans of storming off into the house were cut short when her toe caught on a crack in the sidewalk and sent her sprawling to the ground. She came down on her knee and her palms scraped across the concrete leaving jagged marks of torn skin behind. Tears streamed down Elizabeth's face and she immediately hopped up and ran into the house, stumbling up the porch steps.
Will sat on the couch playing a video game and startled as Elizabeth threw the front door open and stomped through the house, straight to her room, slamming the door behind her.
Joan followed a few seconds later, Lizzie's dress and shoes in tow, looking a little worn out. "You really pissed Lizzie off. I haven't seen her that mad in years," Will said.
Joan sighed. "I've been saving it up I suppose, and watch your mouth or I'll be on you too."
Will held up his hand. "No need to do that. I'm sorry. Not going to lie. It's nice to see some emotion from her. Just wish she could be happy instead of a big ball of anger. Happy might look good on her if she'd just try it out."
"That's just it. She can't let herself be happy. She thinks she doesn't ever deserve to be happy." Joan slumped down in the chair across from Will.
Will's lip furled. "Why would she think that?"
"Because she wasn't there and she thinks she should've been," Joan replied.
"Wasn't where?" he asked and then it dawned on him. Will thought about that for a minute. "Are you serious?" His disbelief was evident. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
Suddenly, he pushed himself up off the couch and tossed the game controller into the dip where he'd been sitting, the thin black cord now stringing from the game console to the couch.
"What's your plan?" Joan asked, sitting up a little straighter.
"I'm going to go talk to her," Will said. Joan raised an eyebrow. "What?" he asked, "She's already mad. You've already taken care of that for me!" He grinned and walked down the hall.
Will stood outside her door for a second and raised his hand to knock, but then took a step back and retreated to his room. He fell to his hands and knees and lifted the bedspread. He thought he was going to have to fetch a flashlight when he moved and a bit of sunlight filtered through the window, sending a ray of light just where he needed it. "A-ha!" he said, reaching under the bed. He grabbed what he was looking for and returned to Elizabeth's door. He knocked this time.
When she didn't answer, he took it upon himself to open the door. She was curled up on the bed, her back to him.
Elizabeth lay facing the window, her tears long since dried up. Now she focused on the stinging of her palms and the ache in her knee. It helped take her mind off of Joan's words. She ignored the knock. She knew Joan would come in anyway, and gave a slight nod of satisfaction when the door opened. It wasn't until the bed dipped that she realized it wasn't Joan.
"Leave me alone, Will." she said.
"Sorry. No can do. I haven't had the opportunity to bug you in quite a long while and I'm due." When she didn't take the bait, Will switched tactics.
"So, Joan got under your skin?"
"It doesn't make a difference. She doesn't know what she's talking about," Elizabeth muttered.
"I used to think that, but she's right more often than she's wrong. Lizzie, you don't seem to realize that you aren't the only person that lost someone that day."
"Will." Her tone was full of warning.
"No, Lizzie. You've tortured yourself for long enough. Yes, your parents died. My parents died. Joan's brother died. Lots of people have loved ones that die. Life isn't fair, but you aren't special. Nobody cares that you weren't there. I don't blame you. No one does."
"But, I blame myself. Things would've turned out differently if I'd been there," Elizabeth sat up, facing him. "It would've been different."
I could've been different. You could've died too. That would've really helped me out." He was about to go on a tirade, but he caught sight of the book he held in his hand, and he stopped.
"Lizzie, listen, I brought you something." He placed the photo album in her lap. "They were so much more than their end. I think it's time you remember the good times too."
Her fingers skimmed over the cover. "An album? Which one?"
"It's the light blue one with the tiny red stars on the cover. It's mostly us growing up, but I added a few things." Will stood. "We didn't die, Lizzie, and I don't think Mom and Dad would want you to live like you did."
Will left the room and Elizabeth clutched the album to her chest and curled back up on the bed. Elizabeth dozed off and fell into a restless sleep. She'd hoped that sleep would provide some kind of clarity, but when she woke up, she had even more questions than she had when she went to sleep.
Will dropped her off at her dorm on his way to work and Elizabeth spent the afternoon working on homework, doing her best to avoid the torrent of emotions that filled her.
— ∞ —
It was already dark when there was a knock at her door. Elizabeth raised her head and stared for a moment, trying to decide if she imagined it. Just as she shrugged it off, the knock came again.
She rose and crossed the room. Standing, with one hand on the knob, she asked, "Who is it?"
The question was met with silence and Elizabeth was just about to retreat back to her work, operating under the assumption that it was some sort of prank, when the voice came back. "It's me, Elizabeth."
Her shoulders sagged under the weight of her emotion. She didn't understand how she could so desperately want to see someone and dread seeing that same someone all at once. She rested her head against the door, trying to figure out what to do.
"Elizabeth, I didn't think we were fighting. Are you going to let me in?" Henry asked through the door.
She sighed and turned the lock in the middle of the door knob. When she pulled the door open, Henry breathed a sigh of relief. "Are you okay?"
"It's been a long day. That's all," she said. "You've never been to my room before."
Henry watched Elizabeth carefully. Her movements were stiff. She seemed uncomfortable.
"I was going to call, but I wasn't sure you would answer and I want to talk to you."
Elizabeth's lips curled into a sad smile. "You're right. I probably wouldn't have answered." She moved to the bed and sat cross-legged at the head. She motioned to him. "You can have a seat."
She expected him to sit at the opposite end of the bed, but he surprised her by sitting close enough that her knees were touching his leg. "I've been doing some thinking," he started. "Last night, I was wrong to put you on the spot like that. You've never tried to hide that you aren't sure that you want a permanent thing. I'm pushing you and that's not fair. I don't want you to be with me because you're guilted into it. I want you to be with me because you want to be with me. Someday I do want you to love me, completely and wholeheartedly. I know that's something you aren't ready to even think about right now, so I don't want you to feel like you have to make a decision." Henry stopped to watch her reaction and when she continued to keep her head down, he pressed on. "I've decided that I should pull back for a while. You need time to figure out what you want and if I'm any part of that." Henry shifted off the bed and stood. He took her hand, squeezed it and then let go. "Take your time," he said, and Elizabeth listened to his footsteps pad across the room. The door knob turned.
Emotion rose up within her and she scrambled off the bed. "Will I see you tomorrow?" she asked.
He heard the edge of panic in her voice, and he dropped his head. This was a lot harder than he thought it would be. "No. You won't."
Elizabeth took a step forward. "But I-"
"You'll be just fine. Goodnight, Elizabeth." The door squeaked and clicked shut.
Elizabeth's hand flew to cover her mouth and her entire body felt like it was being ripped apart. She had pushed him away, because she thought that was best, but the thought of being without him squeezed all of the air from her lungs. It was worse than when her parents died, because she was worried about Will and the uncertainty of Joan and losing her sight. Now, she had nothing to distract her, nothing to divert the pain. She collapsed onto the bed and sobbed.
— ∞ —
A week passed. Elizabeth refused to allow herself to think about Henry. She poured herself into preparation for finals. She studied every moment she wasn't in class. Twice on her path between classes, Elizabeth thought she smelled Henry on the breeze, but then it faded as quickly as it came. She decided it was probably just her subconscious, and she pushed the thought away. As the following Friday rolled around, Elizabeth walked out of the Student Learning Center having finished her last final exam. Her freshman year was complete. She should have been overjoyed. It had been challenging, but she'd managed to overcome adversity and had excelled.
Henry's absence in that moment felt like a gaping hole. The loss of her parents couldn't be helped. Henry, however, was a different story. He was there. He already loved her. She was the one pushing him away. Perhaps Joan was right. She said Elizabeth was scared of the pain of losing someone, but pushing the someone away felt just as bad.
As Elizabeth made her way back to her room, she knew what she had to do. It would be difficult, but it needed to be done.
She climbed the stairs of her dorm slowly, agonizing over whether or not what she was about to do was the best choice. Will's words came back to her. "We didn't die, Lizzie, and I don't think Mom and Dad want us to live like we did." With a deep breath, she pushed her door open and set her backpack on the chair. She closed the door and moved to lean against her desk, her hand resting on the phone. It took several more breaths before she gathered the courage to pick up the handset. Quickly, she punched in the number before she could lose her nerve.
Henry lounged in the arm chair. He wondered if he'd made the right decision. He really thought that Elizabeth would call in a couple days, but it had been almost two weeks and he hadn't heard a peep. He guessed her silence should serve as her answer, but that hurt too much and he refused to give it credence. When the phone rang, he jumped.
He walked over, putting a knee in the middle couch cushion and leaned over the back to pick up the receiver where it sat on the table behind the sofa. "Hello."
His voice simply saying "hello," made her entire body tense in anticipation. "Hello?" he said again, this time as more of a question.
"Hi," she said softly, finally gathering her wits. "It's Elizabeth."
"Hi." He wanted to ask a million questions about how her week went, how she did on her finals and just generally how she'd been. But, he didn't say anything. He'd put the ball in her court and she was the one who needed to return it.
"Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?" she asked.
"Well, I was planning on cleaning out my fridge before I leave to go back to Pittsburgh on Monday. But I suppose that I can push that back a little while."
"You're going to Pittsburgh? For good?" Her voice cracked and Henry realized that she didn't know that.
"Just for the week. I have to be back to TA a class for the summer session. I'm leaving Monday and will come back on Saturday," he clarified.
"Oh, okay." Elizabeth seemed relieved, which he thought might be a good sign. "Well, if it's okay with you, I'll swing by later."
"That sounds fine," he said, cautiously. He desperately didn't want to get his hopes up, because there was a decent chance that she would just tell him that they should end it. "What time should I pick you up?"
"You don't need to get me. I'll make other arrangements. Goodbye, Henry." And then he heard the click followed by the monotonous buzz of the receiver not being hung up. That was it. She was definitely ending things. There was no reason to prolong the agony and have to have him drive her home. She would come, tell him and leave, catching a ride back with whoever brought her over in the first place.
Carefully, he set the receiver back in the cradle, ending the buzzing, and then it seemed like there was no noise, as though he was in a vacuum. Everything was void. He turned and slumped into the couch.
Elizabeth's next call was to Joan, but Will picked up. "Hey, Will. Where's Joan?"
"She went to play cards with the other old ladies. Why?"
Elizabeth groaned. "I needed her to take me somewhere."
"Where do you need to go?" he asked.
"Nevermind," she muttered. "I suppose I can walk. I know where it is," she mumbled to herself.
"Lizzie!" Will said loudly, interrupting her thoughts. "I'm not doing anything." Then he added, "For the right price, I can pick you up."
Elizabeth pursed her lips. "What would the right price be?" Will chuckled and Elizabeth sighed. This ought to be good. "How much?"
"I'll pick you up and we can swing through McDonald's and you can get me a burger and a soda."
She smirked. "How about I just give you $5 when you pick me up and you go run your errand after you drop me off?"
"Can do. I'll be there in ten." Will hung up the phone before she could respond.
Ten minutes. That wasn't much time. She decided that was good. Then she didn't have too much time to talk herself out of it. Elizabeth unloaded her backpack and removed the picture frame. She held it to her chest as she crossed the room in three steps. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she held the picture and imagined the image. Her family. Mom, Dad, I hope I'm doing the right thing. I wish you could give me your blessing. I'm sure you'd like Henry. And Mom, he's much better than Jimmy. You were right about him.
Just then there was a honk and Elizabeth flipped open her watch. "Shit,"she muttered. "He must really be hungry." She grabbed her purse and the photo album Will gave her and hurried out the door.
She started walking down the sidewalk and it occurred to her that it may not be Will, but he must have noticed her confusion because right then, he rolled down the window and called out. "Will's Chauffeur Service at your disposal!"
She grinned and shook her head. When she climbed in, he said, "That will be $5, Miss."
"You're a real pain in the ass. You know that, right?" she said, digging in her wallet.
He laughed. "It's part of my charm," he said, plucking the bill from her hand. "Where to?"
"Make a left here. I'll tell you where to turn." Elizabeth had made this trip many times with Henry, but she'd never actually asked him for his address. "Make sure you go the speed limit, so I know where to tell you to turn."
"You're guessing?" Will exclaimed. "This is going to take forever.
"Slow down and take the next right. I'm not guessing. I'm feeling."
"Well I'm feeling hungry, so I hope you're accurate," Will said.
"This is it. Take another right here. It's on the left. Right here."
Will pulled to a stop. "Nope. It's the next one down."
"No it's not. You don't even know where I'm going."
"You're going to see Henry and unless he parks in another lot, it's the next one up. That's where his truck is." Elizabeth wanted to smack the smug look off of Will's face. She may not be able to see it, but she knew he had it.
"Fine. You're right, and I'm wrong." She crossed her arms in front of her.
"Say it again," Will said.
Elizabeth sighed. "Will's right and his sister is wrong. You win." Will laughed and she punched him in the arm.
"Hey, that hurt!" Will gave her a shove back. "Are you sharing that with him?" Instinctively, she covered the photo album in her lap with her hands. He pulled into the lot and jammed the car into park. "I'm parked on the far side of Henry's truck, which I'm assuming is always in the same place. Do I need to wait for you?"
Elizabeth shook her head and started to reach for the door. Will reached out and caught her arm. "He's the right guy to share it with." She stared at him waiting for more explanation. Will huffed, "That's it. Be gone with you now. I have my own date with a quarter pounder and a Coke. Thanks for that, by the way."
"Thanks, Will." She stepped out of the car and edged her way to the sidewalk. She skimmed the front of Henry's truck and then walked the 7 steps to the front door of the building. Up the stairs, 4, turn, step, 7, 8, 9, 10. Down the hallway, 5, 6. She reached up and traced the number 23 on the door.
"Be brave, Lizzie. Be brave." She knocked on the door. She barely got the third rap out and the door swung open.
"Hi. I don't know how long you'll be and whether or not I really want you to come, but I just need to know. Why are you here?"
Elizabeth thrust the photo album in his direction. "I came to give you my heart."