A/N - Thank you for all the love! Feeling very overwhelmed with the magic and love around Christmas right now. Songs featured in this chapter - "I'll Be Home for Christmas"

Don't forget to drop a review! Hope you're up for the ride!

Thursday, December 16, 2021

The following evening, Olivia was in her office for once wishing she had more work to do so that she would have to stay late at work. She was sitting at her desk, tapping the top of it, trying to come up with an excuse to back out of tonight. She heard laughing from the doorway and when she looked up, she huffed, "Can I help you Sergeant?" She asked tersely.

Leaning against the doorframe, Fin shook his head, "I can literally hear your mind spinning right now. You've got no excuse to not go Cap. So get up, go get Noah and have a good night."

She huffed, stood up and walked towards him, "You don't know what I'm thinking."

"Sure I do. Right now you're thinking about the ten different ways you could break my knee caps just to shut me up." He said with a chuckle.

She rolled her eyes, "Shows you. I thought of at least twelve."

He laughed harder and walked closer to her, "What's the hold up Liv?"

"You know what the hold up is." She said looking at him, "Fin, he disappeared. Not for a week. Not for a month. But for a whole decade. He missed so many things…and I want to forgive him. I do. And I've been fine…having him in my life. I'm happy things are settling down for him now but…"

"But now you have to face some real feelings…things that have been left unsaid for years and it's terrifying." Fin said quickly.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and frowned, "Yeah….exactly. How'd you know?"

"Because I know you. I know both of you. And the two of you…have a long history. You're right. And I'll be the first to say that Stabler screwed up. And I've told him that. Multiple times. But…" He walked all the way into the office and shrugged, "The fact that he's trying, that he's still here and making an effort says a hell of a lot to me. He would just give up if he didn't care Liv."

Looking down at her hands she frowned, "I got caught up in having him back…it felt nice to see him. To talk to him. To have some part of our friendship back. But now it feels…heavy."

Fin nodded, "And that's understandable. You're allowed to feel that. And…you're also allowed to tell him that if you need to."

"He's gone through enough lately…I don't want to make things worse for him." She whispered.

"He's a big boy Liv. He's gonna have to face the music at some point. He hurt you and he needs to own it." He saw that she wasn't responding and he asked, "What's the last thing holding you up?"

Looking back up at him she answered, "If it was just me…I'd probably throw caution to the wind and not second guess it. But…"

"But now you have Noah." She nodded, "And you want to protect him."

"He likes Elliot. He'll get attached…and if this doesn't go the way Elliot wants it too, or it becomes too hard, he could walk away again like he did before. I'll pick myself up again. I always do. Would it kill me? Yeah. But I'd figure it out. But it's not fair to Noah…" She whispered.

"So…tell Elliot that. Tell him exactly what you are feeling." She shot him another look and he laughed, "I know it's not easy Liv…but it's time."

She sighed and walked back to her desk, sitting down, "What am I doing Fin? I'm too old for this crap."

"No you aren't." He said with a smile, "I'm older than you…and look at me and Phoebe."

"So Elliot and I will get together like you two…and plan a wedding and then not get married but stay together?" She teased.

Fin shook his head, "You'll do whatever feels right to you."

"What if I don't know what that is?" She asked softly, "What if for the first time in my life I don't know what the right thing is?"

Walking closer to her desk, he sat down on the edge, "My advice is to let him grovel a little." She smiled, "He clearly has a plan here…see what he has to say, what he's planned. And you'll know. Eventually…you'll know what the right thing is."

"You're so sure." She said with a huff, "How can you be so sure?"

Fin smiled, "Because I know you. You're a hell of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for Cap. Follow your gut. It's usually right."

Licking her lips she looked right at him, "You think he's staying?"

Fin smiled, "I think he couldn't leave you again if he tried…"

Her cheeks flushed, "Fin…"

"As a spectator over the years…I know he loves you." He heard her inhale sharply, "There were obstacles in the way before and it was complicated. He was trying to do what he thought was right. But it wasn't what his heart wanted."

She took a deep breath, "I think I gave up on all of that…"

"No. You didn't." Standing up, he reached out and squeezed her shoulder, "It was always there. And it always will be. Some things…some people…you can't shake. No matter how hard you try." Walking back to the door he looked at her and smiled, "We got it covered here Benson. Go…"

Knowing she had no more excuses, she grabbed her coat, her bag and walked out the door.

Standing in his kitchen, Elliot finished eating quickly and moved towards the sink to clean up, "So I'm gonna be gone for a bit. Probably not late…"

Eli took a sip of his water, "Okay. Where are you going?"

"And who are you going with?" Bernie asked with a wide smile and bright eyes.

Elliot sighed, turned and leaned against the sink, "I'm uh…taking Olivia and Noah out to get a Christmas tree."

Bernie tapped the table excitedly, "Olivia and Noah. Olivia and Noah!"

Elliot laughed, "Mama…"

"What? I like Olivia and Noah." She said with an innocent shrug, "Can't I be happy that you're going to spend time with them?"

Elliot nodded, "Sure…" He turned to his son, "Are…you good with this?"

Eli smiled softly and nodded, standing up he picked up his plate, "I told you I was good with it Dad."

Elliot nodded and watched him begin to rinse off his dish, "I know you did. But I just wanted to check again…"

"I'm good with it. I promise." He put his dish in the dishwasher and turned to him, "In fact, can I come?"

Elliot stood up a little straighter and stared at his son, surprised by his words, "You want to come?"

Eli nodded, "Yeah. I always liked picking out trees…I know we already got ours but it could be fun. Besides…technically I'm still not allowed out without you or my siblings and I've got nothing better to do so…"

Elliot laughed, "Did you finish your homework?"

Eli nodded, "Yup. You can check it if you want."

Elliot smiled, "I trust you." He paused and then crossed his arms over his chest, "You really want to come?"

"Yes. Now stop asking." He said with a laugh, "You going to the lot near us? I can meet you there."

Elliot nodded, "Yeah. They have the best trees. I was going to pick up coffee and stuff and then grab them."

Elio nodded, "Alright. Sounds like a plan. I'm gonna take a quick shower and then I'll head that way. Should get there by the time you do."

Elliot watched his son start to walk away, "Eli…"

Eli turned to his Dad and smiled, "I promise I won't interrupt any time…and hell maybe I can keep the little guy preoccupied so you can steal a kiss or something."

Elliot's face flushed and he shook his head, "Eli…that's not…I mean Olivia…we're not…"

"What he means is that he's got a lot of groveling to do before she even lets him anywhere near her." Bernie said walking into the kitchen, "And I mean a lot of groveling."

Eli was laughing and Elliot sighed, "Gee, thanks Ma."

"What? I'm just being honest." She said pointing her fork at him, "You're lucky she didn't throw an iron at you when she saw you. I had a boyfriend abdondon me once and when he showed up again I threw an iron at his head. I showed him."

Elliot grimaced, "Good to know…"

She looked at the clock on the wall, "You better get going or she's gonna think you ditched her again…"

Elliot jumped, "Uh…okay." He looked at his son, "You're-"

"I'll be there." Eli said with a smile, "Don't worry."

"You want a coffee or anything?" He asked.

Eli shook his head, 'American coffee is terrible. I'm good. See you in a bit."

Elliot laughed and then turned to his Mother, "You're gonna be okay for awhile again? I'm sorry…I feel bad leaving again."

Bernie shook her head, "I still have a full que of soap operas to watch honey. I'm good. Besides…" She leaned into him, "I don't know if you know this, but I've been team Olivia for years!"

Elliot chuckled, "I didn't notice…"

Lifting her hand she placed it against his smooth cheek, "And more than that…I want you to be happy Elliot. I want to see that sparkle in your eye that I used to see…the sparkle that's there when she is around. Make this right…you'll regret it if you don't."

He swallowed hard and nodded, "I'm sure as hell gonna try…"

Leaning up, she pressed a kiss to his cheek, "That's my boy."

He kissed her forehead, "Night Mama. Be good."

"Oh I'm never good." She said reaching into the freezer for ice cream, "I'm gonna eat this right out of the carton."

He laughed and reached for his coat and gloves, "I should arrest you." He winked and grabbed the door handle, "Be home later."

Back at her apartment, Olivia and Noah were finishing up dinner. Noah was talking a mile a minute about how excited he was for tonight. And the more he talked, the more anxious Olivia got. She kept reminding herself to calm down, it was just Elliot. But when she did that, she became even more anxious. It was Elliot. Elliot Stabler. The very man who'd shattered her heart into a million pieces and abandoned her.

But he was also the person that meant most to her in the world. And he was back. And maybe…just maybe second changes were possible. "Mom? Are you gonna answer the door?"

Olivia jumped, "What?"

Noah rolled his eyes and jumped down, "I'll get it."

Snapping out of her daze she went to follow him, "Noah, wait you don't know who-"

"Hi Elliot!" Noah said, whipping open the door.

Olivia froze, her breath catching in her throat as she saw in fact that it was Elliot. He had come just like he'd said. And there he stood with a tray in his hand. Three drinks. And she could bet one was coffee, one was tea and one was hot chocolate. "Hey kid." Bending down, he held out the hot chocolate and smiled, "Next time, let your Mom open the door, okay? Safer that way."

Noah rolled his eyes, "Mom…you gotta get friends that aren't cops. You're all the same."

Elliot chuckled and stood up, "It's called being a parent and a cop. Deadly combo." Looking up, he smiled at Olivia, "Hey Liv."

She smiled nervously and tugged on her cardigan, "Uh, hi."

Elliot could tell by the look on her face that she was having second thoughts and it hurt, but, he knew it was his own fault, "Everything okay?"

She went to open her mouth but Noah interrupted, "She's probably trying to think of a way to get out of this." He looked back at his Mom, "But we're going! We need a tree."

Olivia frowned, "Noah…go change. You're not wearing that. And get your boots."

Noah smiled, "That's code for she wants me to stop talking."

Elliot chuckled, "I think you're right."

"Go." Olivia said pointing towards his room, "It's a school night. We can't be out late."

"I'm going. I'm going." He said running towards his room leaving the two adults alone once more.

Elliot reached for her tea and held it out for her, "So…what kind of excuses did you come up with but ditch?"

She smiled nervously and took the tea, "Food poisoning. A case, car accident and a fire…"

Elliot laughed, "Geez, a fire? Man…if you hate me that much just say it."

She held the cup in her hands, feeling it's warmth seep into her bones, "Elliot…"

He nodded slowly, "I get it. I really do…but I'm hoping tonight isn't too terrible and you'll put up with me again tomorrow."

She raised an eyebrow in surprise as she took a sip of the drink, "Tomorrow?"

He smiled, "I told you. Ten years to make up for. Ten years. Ten days…"

She took a deep breath and shook her head, "El…that's really not necessary. I-"

"Yes. It is." He whispered, "It's absolutely necessary. And I'm not going to take no for an answer." She didn't respond and he smiled, "And I don't know if you remember this about me…but I'm just as stubborn as you. If not more."

She smiled sadly and whispered, "Oh I remember." And then she repeated the same words he'd said last night, "I remember a lot more than you think El…a lot more."

She saw the blush grow in his cheeks and she knew she'd caught him off guard. For some reason, that made her feel better. Like she had more control than she thought. They stood there, staring at each other, all those years of unsaid things still hanging between them. A moment later, Noah came running up to them, "Mom! Get your coat! We gotta go!"

Olivia turned to Elliot, he held out his hand and she handed him her tea again, "One second."

Elliot nodded, his eyes kept, "I'll be here."

She felt her heart jump in her chest, and for the first time she was starting to believe that he would be. That he wasn't going anywhere. As she turned towards the hall closet, she heard Noah and Elliot talking. Elliot was asking him about dance, about school and she had to bite her lip to keep from smiling too hard. She hated to admit it, but this was exactly what she had always wanted…and maybe it was time to let go a little and just see what happens.

When she wrapped her scarf around her neck, she walked back to them. Elliot smiled at her, "Ready?"

Reaching for her tea again, she lifted it between them and nodded, "Lead the way."

When they reached the tree lot, Elliot turned towards Olivia, "Um…there is one thing I should mention."

Olivia turned to him and frowned, "Okay?"

Looking out the window Elliot smiled, "Eli really wanted to come."

Olivia followed his gaze and smiled, "Okay."

Elliot turned back to her, "That's alright?"

Olivia turned back to him and smiled, "Of course it is El. Why wouldn't it be?"

He looked at Noah who was just watching them curiously, "I just…wanted to make sure."

Reaching across the console, she placed her hand gently on his arm, "It's more than okay El. You know I love him too."

His heart jumped in his chest just hearing her words. He knew she loved his children, she always had. She'd been there the moment Eli was born, she'd helped bring him into this world. He couldn't deny that everytime he looked at his son, he saw Olivia. Without her, he wouldn't be here. And so even thousands of miles away, still felt her presence always.

"Mom, can I get out and go see Eli?" Noah asked from the backseat.

Olivia turned to him and nodded, "Yeah. Sure. Go ahead bud. But don't run off okay…there are a lot of people here and-"

"And you have to have eyes on me at all times. Yes. I know." He looked at Elliot, "You this tough on Eli?"

Elliot laughed, "I'm this tough on all my kids and they are fully grown…"

"Great." Noah said with an eyeroll and hopped out of the car leaving them alone.

Olivia unclipped her seatbelt and cleared her throat, "He thinks I'm overbearing. Which…I probably am but-"

"But the shit you see gives you every reason to be." He whispered, she froze in her spot and he shrugged, "You know I get it Liv. Probably more than anyone."

Biting hard on her lip, she turned to look at Noah and Eli talking by the entrance, "I almost lost him once…his biological grandmother she…" She shook her head, "I don't really want to get into it but…I never want to have that feeling again."

Elliot nodded slowly and reached across to her, "I know. And I hope you never feel that way again."

She looked at him, then at his hand on her arm, "How is Eli doing?"

He smiled and let his fingers trace the line of her arm, grateful that she cared enough to ask, "He's doing good. He's trying. We both are."

"That's all you can ask for, right?" She asked with a soft smile, "He's been through a lot in the last year. A lot of changes…"

Looking at his youngest son he frowned, "It's not fair."

Smiling sadly she whispered, "Life usually isn't fair El…I think we both know that."

Glancing at her out of the corner of his eyes he whispered, "Guess we do." He took a moment and then said, "We should probably get going before you have a chance to change your mind…"

She blushed and reached for the door handle, "Elliot…"

"You're not getting out of this." He pointed to the car console, "I still have to give you your gift later." She went to reach for it and he shouted, "Hell no. Tree first. Gift later."

She sighed and climbed out of the car, "You're no fun."

Walking over to her, he put his hand on her back catching her off guard and he leaned in whispering, "Oh, I can be a lot of fun Liv. Just let me show you."

She went to respond but Noah quickly ran over to them and grabbed Elliot's hand, "Let's go!"

Before she could stop him, they were off and Elliot was laughing at the young boy's enthusiasm. Olivia took a steadying breath, looked over at Eli and walked over to him, "Hi Eli."

"Hey Olivia." He said, hands in pockets, "Hope you don't mind that I crashed the party."

She smiled and reached out to hug him, "You didn't. I'm glad you're here."

Eli looked back at his Father and Noah standing by a far away row of trees, "You're okay with me being around Noah?"

She frowned as they started to walk, "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

Eli looked at her, "I uh…haven't made the best choices lately."

Slowly she turned her body back to him, "Eli, look at me." He paused and hesitated for only a moment before listening, "You're a good kid." He went to protest and she shook her head, "You're a good kid who shitty things have happened to recently. You made some mistakes and you're working on it. That's all anyone can ask for. For you to try to right your wrongs."

Eli smiled and looked straight at her, "Does that apply to me or all Stabler men?"

Her eyes went wide and her mouth hung open for a moment, "Eli…"

Shaking his head he pointed towards his Father and Noah, "Come on. Don't let Dad pick the tree on his own. You'll end up with a Charlie Brown looking tree because he feels bad for them. My Mom always picked the best-" He froze mid sentence and she saw the sadness wash over him.

Walking over to him, she slipped her arm through his, "From what I remember…she did a hell of a job making Christmas magical."

She heard Eli sniffle and saw him reach a hand out to wipe away a tear, "Yeah…yeah she did."

They started to walk slowly and she whispered, "Well then let's keep that magic alive, shall we?"

Eli smiled gratefully that she hadn't pushed him. He squeezed her arm and nodded as they walked towards Noah and Elliot. Elliot looked up at both of them, noticed the tears in his son's eyes and whispered, "Everything okay?"

Olivia looked at Eli and knew that he didn't want to say much, so she spoke for them, "Yeah El. Everything's okay."

Elliot looked at his son, "Eli?"

Eli took a deep breath and nodded, "Yeah. We're good." He pointed down the other row, still holding onto Olivia, grateful for her presence beside him, "Those ones look good over there. How tall do you think you can go in your apartment Liv? I've never been."

Noah looked at his Mom, "Mom, can Eli and Elliot help us decorate?"

Olivia rubbed the back of her neck nervously, "Oh. Well...I'm not sure honey. They may have-"

"Oh no. This night includes but is not limited to tree selection, putting up said tree, and decorating said tree." Elliot said matter of factly.

Olivia laughed, "Okay…"

"So that means they get to come over, right?" Noah asked jumping up and down, "Right?"

Olivia looked at Eli, "You really wanna do that?"

Eli nodded, "Least I can do Liv…"

Hearing him call her Liv made her smile and she nodded, "Well okay then."

"Yes!" Noah said excitedly, he quickly grabbed her hand, followed by Elliot's and dragged them along.

Eli still had his arm looped around Olivia's and felt himself get dragged along by them, "Geez!"

Olivia laughed, "He goes after what he wants…sorry."

"Gets that from his Mom." Elliot said with a laugh, "Slow down Noah…there are plenty of trees."

Eli shook his head, and stared wide eyed at the tree in front of him, "But only one like that…"

Both adults and Eli turned to follow his gaze. All three of them stopped in their tracks when they saw it, "Wow…" Eli said.

Olivia stared up at it in awe, "Wow is right…"

"Now that's a tree…" Elliot said with a smile, he reached down to pick up Noah and palace him on his shoulders, "You know how to pick 'em kid."

Noah laughed and stared up at it, "Can we get it Mom?"

But Olivia wasn't looking at the tree anymore, she was looking at her son perched up on the shoulders of the one man she'd ever loved and time seemed to stop. Noah barely knew this man and yet he was at ease with him and something about that made her heart race. Was this what it was like to be part of a family? Was this the way it was always meant to be? Despite the roadblocks and the roundabout way of getting there…was this where she was always meant to be?

"Mom?" Noah asked from above her, "I said can we get it?"

Clearing her throat, she looked back at the tree, "Yeah. Yeah baby. We can get it."

Elliot squeezed Noah's leg, "Quickest decision your Mom has ever made I think."

"That's because she can't say no to me." Noah said looking down at him, "She loves me too much."

"Oh I can say no." Olivia said with a laugh, "I can absolutely say no and I say no often."

Noah sighed, "Okay she's right…but not about the tree. This one I get to pick."

Reaching up, Olivia squeezed his arm, "Whatever makes you happy Noah."

Noah smiled and looked at her, "Being here with you, Elliot and Eli makes me happy."

Elliot smiled, "Makes me happy too kid…very happy indeed." He gave Olivia a wink and tapped Noah's leg, "Let's go find someone to help us with the tree and we can get out of here and start decorating! The best part!"

Noah smiled, "Okay, but I gotta warn you…Mom put the lights away on her own last year which means they are a tangled mess."

Elliot chuckled, "I'm a pro at untangling lights. Wanna help?"

"Totally!" Noah said, "And can I put the star on top?"

"Sure can." Elliot said as they walked away.

Olivia was watching them, tears in her eyes and Eli smiled, "Hey Olivia?" She turned to him and he said, "You're a good Mom…"

She smiled and whispered, "A lot of what I know I learned from your Mom…"

Eli smiled and nodded his head, "I miss her. Especially right now…"

"I know." She whispered, looping her arm through his, "I still miss my Mom too."

"Does it ever get easier?" He asked as they stared up at the tree.

Olivia sighed, "I wouldn't say it gets easier…I would say you just learn how to deal with it better." He nodded sadly, "And on the days when it feels too heavy…you lean on the people who love you most."

Eli leaned against her, "Like this?"

She smiled at him and squeezed his arm, "Exactly. I've got you kid. I didn't let you fall that first day…and I won't let you fall now."

Eli smiled and squeezed her arm, "I'm counting on it."

When they got back to her apartment, Olivia felt like she was living in some parallel universe. That very one that Elliot had talked about in that letter. The letter that still sat in her top drawer that she every once and awhile took out only to regret it. So much had happened since that night he'd showed up at her door and told her about it. It was all a blur. The trial. Eli. Barba. Sometimes she lay awake at night trying to wrap her head around all of it.

She was standing in the kitchen, trying to focus but her mind kept wandering. But she could hear Eli and Noah excitedly going through a box of ornaments. Could hear Elliot groaning and the boys laughing as he tried to untangle her mess of lights. She felt her heart starting to pound harder, felt the emotion of all of it starting to overwhelm her. She knew this feeling and she didn't want it to happen in front of all of them. Turning, she slowly walked out of the kitchen and towards her bedroom.

Noah was laughing with Eli but he saw his Mom moving past. He knew that look. She never let him see her fall apart but he'd asked Fin if she was okay and he'd assured her that sometimes she just needed some alone time. But as he got older, he wondered more and more about it. Looking over at Elliot, he saw the man standing by the tree mumbling as he tried to unravel the lights, "Elliot?"

Elliot grunted, "What the hell did your Mom do to these?"

Noah laughed, "She was in a rush…it was late January and they were still up but we had company coming."

Elliot chuckled, "Sounds about right." He looked up towards the kitchen and frowned, "Where'd your Mom go?"

Noah looked towards her room, "She went in there…"

Elliot looked at the young boy he wanted so desperately to get to know. And he wondered how much he knew. He'd learned about somethings that had happened while he was gone, and his regrets had only multiplied. But he also knew Olivia, she never wanted anyone to see her upset, and he was sure that was even more so true when it came to her son. Clearing his throat, he looked at his own son and held out the tangle of lights, "Take over for a bit?"

Eli nodded, and Elliot knew that he understood. Sadly, he'd seen this enough with his Father, "Sure. I got everything covered here."

Elliot smiled gratefully, reached out and ruffled Noah's hair and then walked towards her bedroom. He paused for a moment realizing he had never been in this room. He didn't want to overstep his boundaries, but he also wanted her to know that he was here for her, no matter what. At the last second, he turned towards his coat by the door. Reaching into the pocket, he pulled out the small gift box and decided to take a risk.

Walking towards her room again, he lifted his hand and knocked softly, "Liv? Can I come in?" There was no answer, and his worry intensified. But he looked back at Noah and Eli and saw that Noah looked nervous. He gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile, turned and then decided to take a chance and open the bedroom door.

His heart jumped in his throat when he saw her. She was sitting on the floor beside her bed, her elbows resting on her knees, her breathing came in hard and fast. Closing the door quietly behind him, he stepped into the room and realized she hadn't even heard him knock. Not wanting to scare her, he moved slowly and whispered, "Liv?"

Still she jumped, "Shit."

He walked all the way over to her, lowered himself to the floor beside her and scooted close, "Liv…I'm here."

She grimaced and said, "For how long?"

His hand fell to his lap and he frowned, "Guess I deserved that."

She sighed, rubbed a hand over her face, "I'm sorry, you planned such a great night and I'm ruining it. I just…got really overwhelmed standing there. This…feels…"

Taking a chance, he reached his hand out towards her, "Feels what Liv?"

Biting down hard on her lip she whispered, "Feels good to have you here but I also feel…guilty. That…she's not. And I feel angry at you for leaving for ten years. Angry at you for thinking you can just walk back in here and think we can just start where we left off. And I'm hurt…and scared that you're gonna leave again. Not just for me…but for Noah because I can see that he's already getting attached."

"Olivia…" She shook her head and he sighed, "I-"

"And I'm...mad at myself for wanting you here." She looked over at him, "It's a lot El…I'm not gonna lie. It's a hell of a lot and I've been trying to hold it together to be there for you and the kids. But right now…it feels really heavy."

Taking a deep breath, he nodded slowly, "I hear you. And I'm glad you said that…all of that." He laughed nervously, "And…I'm sorry Liv…I know it doesn't change anything but I am. I'm so damn sorry." He sighed, "I'm not really good with words…"

She wiped her eyes and frowned, "Neither of us are…"

Chewing on his lip anxiously, he lifted the box, "Maybe over the next ten days…you'll start to learn how sorry I am. How hard it was for me to walk away. I never wanted to Liv. God I didn't…I just didn't…"

He stopped talking abruptly and she looked down at the box, "El…"

He sighed, "Open it. Read the note…"

She gave him a pointed look, "Did you write it?"

He laughed nervously, "I deserved that too… yes. I did. I wrote all of them and picked out all the gifts."

She nervously took the box, "El…I don't know…"

"Please?" He asked softly, "Please Liv…just look at it. Read it. And if you still hate me after…I'll understand. But at least let me try."

Looking down at the gift she whispered, "Am I gonna cry again?"

He laughed and rubbed the back of his neck, "Not gonna lie…maybe?"

"Great." She said with a laugh as she wiped at her eyes, "Captain Benson falling apart…"

He stood up slowly and backed away, "I'm gonna go try and deal with the damn light situation…you stay here. Open it. Read it. Burn it. Think of a million ways you could kill me and get away with it. Or…whatever you want."

She laughed, "El…"

"I'll take care of the boys…" He said pointing towards the door, "Make sure they don't break anything. And you take all the time you need. Okay?"

Sighing she looked up at him sadly, "If there is any part of you that isn't sure El…if you think that you can't handle this. If you want to go…please go before I come back out. Tell Noah you have work and take Eli and go."

He stood there, surprised by her words but he nodded, "I'm not going anywhere Liv."

She looked back at the box, "Be really sure. Because…it's not just my heart you'll be breaking this time."

Reaching for the door handle, he spoke again, this time with more conviction, "I'm not going anywhere Liv."

She didn't turn to him as he walked out of the room. She took a few moments, trying to compose herself but the tears came again and she knew there was no way to stop them. Figuring it was a lost cause, she started to unwrap the box. Inside, she found an ornament. A little replica of the Empire State Building lit up like it always was on Christmas. The very place they'd had many of their Christmas NYPD parties. The note he had been referring to fell to her lap and her hands shook as she reached for it. Unfolding it, she began to read. This time knowing he was the one that had written the words.

Liv,
I bought this on my first Christmas in Italy. I saw it and I remember thinking how badly I wished I was going to one of those stupid NYPD parties with you. Getting drunk, playing how many times will Munch tell the JFK conspiracy theory story before Fin loses it. I would have given anything to be there.
I'm not sure if you remember the last one we went to. But you asked me if I was okay that night. And I lied. It was building Liv…it had been for a long time and I was too afraid to face it. It was all becoming too hard, the job, hiding my feelings from you. I was trying to hold it together but it was all starting to fall apart already.
You will never know how sorry I am. But I hope you know, that while I was gone, there wasn't a single day that went by where I didn't think of you. You were everywhere, Liv. Always with me. And now that I am back, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for what I did. I will not leave. I will not give up on you. I'm here. I'm here in whatever way you want me to be.
I hope you place this on your tree and remember the good times, and I hope we can have more good times in the future.
-El

Taking a deep breath, she took the ornament in her hands and ran her fingers over it. She remembered that night. She remembered them all, but that one had always stuck out to her. She had felt it, that something was wrong, something had been weighing on him. She wished she'd pushed harder, insisted he talk to her but she backed off assuming he'd come to her in time. Little did she know that a few months down the road he'd be gone for good…

December 2010

Walking out onto the balcony, she found him standing there, looking out at the city. His hands were in his pockets, his shoulders slightly slumped. Taking a step towards him, she nudged him with her shoulder, "Hey Partner…"

Looking over at her, she saw him try and smile, "Howdy."

Reaching a hand out she smiled, "Got you a beer."

He took the bottle and lifted it to his lips, "Thanks."

Turning, she rested against the balcony wall, shivering slightly, "You missed Fin tossing a breadstick at Munch. He caught it and ate it…but then choked."

Elliot laughed and took another sip, resting it on the balcony edge, "Damn."

She smiled and leaned closer to him "I give it another twenty minute before they go at it again."

"I give it ten." He said with a smirk, "Fin's had enough…""Haven't we all?" She said with a sigh, and saw his face falter slightly and her heart jumped in her chest, "Hey…" He looked back at her expectantly, "You okay?"

Looking back at her he smiled, "Yeah, of course I am Liv. " She gave him a look and he laughed, "What?"

Standing up straighter, she moved towards him and lifted her hand. She heard him inhale sharply and she bit down on her lip, guilty that she felt a rush knowing she made him nervous. "I've worked with you for over a decade, Stabler…you forget that I know you." Fixing his tie, her hand slid down his chest, "I know you Elliot Stabler…so again I ask, are you okay?"

He stared at her then, taken aback by her beauty. Even after all this time, she still took his breath away. He wanted to be honest. Wanted to say all the things he couldn't say. Lately, he wanted to pull her closer but it felt like something was pulling them farther and farther apart. He didn't know what it was and it scared the hell out of him. He couldn't picture life without Olivia Benson. But he couldn't say that. He couldn't say any of that because the gold band on his finger meant he was married to someone else. He had a family, he had obligations and Olivia deserved better.

So he smiled, nodded his head and said, "Yeah…I'm good Liv. I think I ate too much."

Her laugh echoed through the cold December night and it made his heart ache, "I told you not to go back for a third helping!" She poked his stomach and he groaned, "If we get called in tonight…I'll be rolling you down the sidewalk."

He chuckled and swatted her hand away, "Yeah, yeah. Let me burn off the calories then I'll be fine."

"And how are you gonna do that?" She asked teasingly, "I promised Kathy I'd get you home in one piece…you can't be boxing with any of our coworkers. No matter how much you hate them."

He laughed again and held out his hand, "Care to dance Partner?"

She stood up a little straighter, surprised by his suggestion, "Dance? We don't dance."

He shrugged and moved his hand closer, "There's a first time for everything, isn't there?"

Glancing down at his hand she thought of all the reasons she should say no. And yet, maybe tonight she just didn't care. Taking his hand, she smiled, "Well alright then. But…don't step on my feet."

He laughed and pulled her a little closer making her gasp, "I'll do my best."

Resting her hand on his shoulder, she looked past him at the crowded venue inside, the music filtered out softly. He was humming along to the song and her heart raced, "Hey El?"

He turned his head slowly to look at her, "Yeah?"

A cold breeze spun around them and she shivered, his hand sliding against the small of her back. "You're my best friend…did you know that?"

He stopped dancing for a moment, and they stared at each other. Really stared. And they felt it. All the unspoken things, all the wants and desires. All the things they couldn't say. Reaching a hand out, he brushed back her hair that had blown into her face and he smiled, "Yeah. I know Liv." When his hand dropped again and pressed into her back once more, he started to lead them again, "And you're mine…"

Snapping back into reality, the tears came harder and she wished she had said something more. Then again, maybe it would have pushed him away quicker. It was all so damn complicated. Looking down at the ornament, she imagined him standing in a little shop in Italy staring at this ornament, thinking of her. And for the first time she thought about him missing her just as much as she'd missed him.

She'd spent so long thinking he'd left her without thinking twice, without caring. She had been so hurt she told herself he didn't care. But maybe he left because he cared too much. And maybe…just maybe after all this time…as scary as it was…they could find that parallel universe and be in it together. Taking a deep breath, she knew she still had a lot to sort through in her own head. But she wanted to hear him out. She'd give him these ten days and then see what her heart and her head said at the end of it.

Walking into her bathroom, she splashed some cold water on her face, looked up at herself in the mirror and sighed, "Pull yourself together Benson. You're stronger than this…"

After another moment of deep breathing, she walked back into her bedroom, picked up the ornament and walked out into the living room once again. "I'll be Home for Christmas" rang through the speakers and her heart flip flopped in her chest. She saw Noah and Eli sitting on the floor sorting through ornaments. And Elliot, he was stringing up the lights…

I'll be home for Christmas

You can plan on me

Please have snow and mistletoe

And presents by the tree…

When she looked over at Noah again, he was sitting there, smiling at her. She blushed, gave him a small smile to let him know she was okay and then slowly walked towards the tree. With shaky hands, she lifted the ornament Elliot had given to her and carefully placed it on one of the branches. She could see Elliot watching her out of the corner of her eye, she bit down hard on her lip and tried not to cry. Taking a step back, she admired it as it swung into place, the lights bouncing off of it, "It's a good looking tree…" She whispered.

Elliot walked closer to her and stared at the ornament too, "Yeah…it is."

Pulling at her sweater, she glanced over at him, "I need you to understand that…Noah comes first. I want you to be in my life…I'm glad that you are back…but nothing comes before him."

Elliot turned his body to face her, "I understand and completely respect that. That's the way it should be."

"And if I feel like…whatever this is…isn't healthy for him. Or that I can't trust you…" She shook her head, "Then…I can't do this."

He swallowed hard, "Okay. I understand. But…I really mean it when I say I'm not going anywhere. And that I'm here…for whatever you need. That includes Noah."

She nodded, "Okay…but you also have a lot going on in your own life El. And he needs stability. I can't…I can't let him see you…" She fidgeted slightly, "He already deals with enough having me as a Mom."

Elliot shook his head, "You don't give yourself enough credit Liv. Everyone, no matter who they are, has bad days. That's allowed."

"I know. But…I just need to protect him. At all costs. And so…if that means being cautious about this…" She gestured between them, "Then that's what I'm going to do." He just watched her, unsure of what to say, "However…" She turned back to the ornament and smiled, "I'd really like my best friend back…so I'm willing to see what else you've got up your sleeves Stabler."

He let out a shaky breath and nodded, "I'm glad to hear that. Really glad…"

She adjusted the lights on the tree and spoke again, "I know you said something about tomorrow…but I have to work late. I'm not sure I'll be able to get away."

Elliot nodded, "Alright, well how about I take you to lunch?"

She turned to him, "Lunch? Don't you have work?"

"I do…but I sort of told Bell that I'm gonna take some time off. She's been bugging me about it anyway. I've been going nonstop and I realize I need to get myself together a bit. She agreed it was a good idea so I'm working less hours this month. And my therapist thinks it's a good idea too." He added sheepishly.

Surprised, she crossed her arms over her chest, "Wow. Look at you taking care of yourself Stabler…"

He shrugged, "I figured it was about damn time. Besides…you deserve the best version of me. So…I'm gonna have to get my shit together sooner rather than later if I want a shot at making this right." He saw her cheeks flush and he smiled, "So…lunch tomorrow? Is it a date?"

She rolled her eyes playfully and looked back at the boys who were still sorting through ornaments, "It's not a date."

Elliot chuckled and turned to face Noah and Eli too, "I'd argue that it's dateish…"

"Dateish? What are you twelve?" She asked with a snort, "It's not a date. We're just getting lunch…we've done that a million times before."

"You're right. We have. But…I still say it's a semi-date." He said with a shrug, "At least in my mind."

She laughed and shook her head as Noah jumped up and started to run from Eli as they joked around together, "Whatever you say Elliot." She stopped and watched the two boys, "What is happening right now?"

Elliot smiled and leaned in, nudging her with his shoulder, "I think our boys are bonding. Feels good, doesn't it?"

He didn't wait for a response, but he winked and walked towards them, pulling them apart. Noah jumped up and latched onto Elliot's arm. He easily lifted him and tossed him over his shoulder as Noah pelted Eli with tissue paper that the ornaments had been wrapped up in. Her heart jumped in her chest again and she pressed her fingers against her heart as the song started to come to an end.

Christmas eve will find me

Where the love light gleams

I'll be home for Christmas

If only in my dreams

I'll be home for Christmas

If only in my dreams…

For the first time in ten years, Elliot Stabler was home for Christmas. And she hated to admit it, but it was the only damn gift she had ever needed. Looking back at the ornament on the tree though, she couldn't help but wonder what other gifts he'd picked up over the last ten years…but she knew she'd soon find out.