A/N - Will be using different Christmas songs in some chapters. This one happens to be "Christmas Lights" by Coldplay. Listening to the songs while you read can really set the mood! Lyrics towards the end. Song always reminded me of Elliot thinking about and missing Olivia.
I own NOTHING.
Friday December 17, 2021
Friday morning passed in a blur. Work was crazy and she was worried she wouldn't be able to get away for lunch as she had promised Elliot. She hated to admit how much she had been looking forward to it. Last night she was trying to keep herself guarded, but now she wanted to see where this was going, what was his intention and what the hell did he have planned? After one night of tree shopping and the ornament gift, she couldn't imagine what else he had in store for her.
She knew it was going to be emotional. She knew it was going to drag up a lot of things from their past, but maybe it was time. Maybe they needed to stop ignoring it and face it. And whatever way it went…whether it led to something beautiful or just gave them closure…maybe she could move on either way. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was 12:45. Elliot was supposed to pick her up at 1:00.
"Crap." She hit her knee on the desk and sighed, "Whose bright idea was it to make me Captain?"
"This guy." A voice said walking into the room.
Olivia looked up and gasped, "Cap! What are you doing here?"
He chuckled, "I told you to stop calling me that. This is your house now."
She smiled, stood up and walked towards him, "Can't help it…I called you that for many years. Don feels funny."
Hugging her he smiled, "How are you doing?"
She pulled away and gestured towards the chair for him to sit, "I'm good. Busy but good…you know criminals don't stop around Christmas though we wish they would."
"No, they always seemed to ramp up this time of year." He smiled and squeezed her arm as he sat down, "You taking care of yourself though?"
"Trying." She sat down beside him and sighed, "Somedays I do better than others."
"Well maybe you'll let someone take care of you for once…" He gave her a look and she blushed, "Speaking of which…how is Stabler?"
She shook her head, "That why you're here?" He shrugged, "He's…hangin in there. First Christmas without Kathy…"
Cragen nodded, "I followed the trial…I sent him my condolences but I wasn't sure if he wanted to hear from me."
She smiled sadly, "I think he's in a better place now and would be happy to hear from you. To see you…you meant a lot to him."
Cragen leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, "So…"
"So…?" She asked with a laugh, "So what Cap?"
"So…how are the two of you doing?" He asked with a smile, "You kick his ass yet?"
"No. I thought about it…but he was going through a lot when he first got here." She said with a smirk.
He nodded, "And now? You gonna throw the old Benson one-two on him?"
"He taught me the old one-two so no…" She said with a laugh, "We're…navigating I guess? Figuring things out. I'm trying to support him and his kids…and he's…getting to know Noah little by little."
"You let him meet the kid. Well that's big." He said with a smile, "You two still just friends?"
"Oh God." She groaned and stood up, "Have you been talking to Fin?"
"Yeah. He started a group chat with me and John to keep us updated. We appreciate it since we lived it for twelve years." He said with a chuckle.
Looking over at him as she leaned against the desk she sighed, "Cap…"
"Look, I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to say hi. Check in. Relive some old memories…" He looked around, "Visit some old friends."
Taking a deep breath she asked, "What am I doing Cragen?"
He smiled and stood up to walk towards her, "I think only you can answer that…"
She frowned and crossed her arms over her chest, "I liked it better when you called the shots and told us what to do…"
Cragen threw his head back and laughed, "When did you or Stabler ever listen to a damn thing I told you to do? You usually just took what I said and did the complete opposite causing all hell to break loose."
She smiled softly, remembering it all, "We did cause some serious chaos at times didn't we?"
"Yeah. You sure did." He said with a smile, "You made a good team. My best team…"
Looking up she saw Elliot from afar walking towards her, "Cap…"
"I'm not saying he doesn't have a lot to make up for. But…" He shrugged, "I came here to remind you, that you deserve to be happy Olivia. And you deserve to have someone look out for you for once…"
"I can take care of myself." She whispered, he gave her a look and she frowned, "But it would be nice to not be alone for once…"
Cragen smiled, "You were never alone Captain Benson…"
"Hey Cap, am I interr-" Elliot paused, "Captain…"
"Which one of us are you referring to?" Cragen said with a laugh.
Elliot smiled, "Both of you…" He walked closer to his old boss, "Uh…hi. Don…it's…it's…"
"It's good to see you too." Cragen said, reaching his hand out to him, "Been a long time."
Elliot frowned and looked down at their joined hands, "Too long. And I'm sorry about that."
They stared at each other for a moment and then Cragen spoke again, "How are the kids?"
Elliot shrugged, "Hanging in there…the Holidays are a bit tough but they are strong. I'm proud of them."
"Well…" He looked over at Olivia, "I was just dropping in really quick. If you have plans…we can catch up another time. Maybe dinner sometime?"
Elliot smiled, "I'd like that. I should have called I just…"
"It's alright." Cragen said with a smile, "We'll set something up soon?" Elliot nodded, he looked over at Olivia, "Oh and Olivia, from one Captain to another…remember to take a break from time to time."
She laughed, "Break? What's a break?"
"Ha. Ha." He said leaning in and hugging her, "Be good." He pulled away and pointed at Elliot, "Both of you. And that's an order…"
Elliot chuckled, "Please…we never followed your orders back then why would we follow them now?"
"Hey, a guy can dream can't he?" Cragen asked as he stepped back and walked towards the door.
Elliot watched the older man go and whispered, "Is it weird that after all this time I still felt scared shitless standing in this office with him? Like he was about to rip us a new asshole for doing something insanely stupid?"
Olivia laughed, "Nope. It's my office now and I still feel that way when I walk in like I'm about to almost lose my job."
Elliot chuckled and turned to look at her, "It is your office now…and if I haven't told you before. I'm damn proud of you for it. You did it Liv…and no one deserves it more."
She frowned and looked at her desk, "I always imagined it would be you…and maybe I'd be your second in command."
Elliot took a deep breath, glanced around the small office and sighed, "No Liv. SVU belongs to you. You're the heart of this place…you always were." He shrugged sadly, "I could never have stayed…whether or not I went to Italy that's a different story. But…it was too hard for me. You're stronger than all of us. You always were."
She was quiet as she spoke, but she knew he heard her. She knew what she said next was going to hurt, but maybe it was time to start facing it all, "Do you know how hard it was…to have Cragen tell me you weren't coming back? To have to pack up your stuff…and think that I never meant a damn thing to you?"
Elliot felt the lump forming in his throat, he felt the shame and the regret threatening to spill over. But he knew if he was going to make this work, he was going to have to face it. All of it. "Olivia…I'm sorry." She turned to him and he frowned, "I know that doesn't even cover the surface but…I am. And if I could take it all back…"
She shook her head, "Don't say that…please don't say that. It won't do either of us any good. You were happy…and I…" She shrugged and looked around, "I got Noah and this job…and I made new friends."
He nodded slowly, feeling the ache in his chest, "I know. I was happy…but not as happy as I could have been. I was avoiding the truth…"
She sighed and looked down, "Maybe lunch isn't such a good idea…"
"Or maybe it's exactly what we both need." He whispered, she didn't look at him, "Please Liv?" She took a moment and then looked up at him again, "I know you don't owe me anything…but please let me try?"
Chewing on her bottom lip for a moment she sighed and reached for her coat, "Fine. But only because I want that second gift…"
Elliot laughed and started to follow her out of the office, "Copy that Cap."
Elliot hadn't told her where they were going and she did her best to not get anxious. But she was used to being in control. She had to laugh to herself though, back when they worked together there was always a bit of a power struggle. At least in the later years. She knew in the beginning she let him take the lead more often than not, but she'd found her voice and he'd seemed happy to let her come into her own. But now she was used to calling all the shots and it felt strange.
Looking over at her he smiled, "What are you laughing about?"
She looked over at him, not realizing she had actually laughed out loud, "Oh…I was just thinking about how I haven't given someone this much control in a long time. In fact…probably not since we worked together."
He snorted, "When did you ever let me be in control? You were just as strong as I was, if not more. You scared the shit out of me half the time."
Rolling her eyes she slapped his arm, "Shut up!"
"Ow." He said while playing along, "I'm serious! You're a badass Benson and you intimidated a lot of us."
"Hm." She said with a sad smile, "Nick told me I intimidated him too." He gave her a questioning look and her cheeks flush, "Your replacement…" His face faltered and she saw the sadness there, but he nodded in understanding, "I wasn't very nice to him…at least not for a while. Actually I think I was a raging bitch."
Elliot stopped at a red light and tapped the steering wheel, before he could stop himself he said, "Was he a better partner than me?"
Her head snapped up towards him and her face showed that she was shocked by his question. "Elliot…"
He grimaced and turned down a side street, "Sorry…I shouldn't have asked that. I have no leg to stand on here. I walked away…I can't be jealous when it was my own damn fault."
They were quiet as he parked the car and she sighed, trying to form a coherent thought. After a moment she whispered, "He…he was a good partner." Elliot slowly turned towards her, "He pushed me. Saw me through some really shitty times…"
"Lewis…" He said the name, the name he'd spent more hours than he'd like to admit looking up because he had to know the whole truth no matter how much it would kill him, "Liv…"
"Yes." She whispered, "He…was great during all of that. Everyone was. He helped me get Noah…supported me. And I care about him…I miss him. I value the time I had with him…the lessons I learned." She paused and then looked at him, speaking honestly, "But he was never you…and he never could be." She shrugged sadly, "No one could take your place El. Not then…not now."
Taking a shaky breath he whispered, "And no one could ever take yours…"
She smiled sadly and asked, "Not even Dani Beck?"
He let out a little whistle and let his head fall back against his seat, "Dani Beck. Jesus. That's a name I haven't heard in a very long time. Haven't thought about her in years…"
She felt her heart racing and remembered that day like it was yesterday. That day when she'd seen him leaning over the young blonde in what had been her desk. The way she felt she'd been replaced and meant nothing to him, "I saw you with her." He didn't speak and she knew she had surprised him, "I came back to talk to you…when I first got back. But you were in interrogation and I met her. I went to talk to Cap…he said he wasn't sure there was a spot for me because he didn't know I was back. But he'd try to shuffle things around…but then I looked up and saw you with her. You looked good. Happy. Settled. Like…you enjoyed being her partner and so I told him I wasn't coming back…"
Elliot shifted in his seat, turning his body further towards her, "I never knew…why didn't you tell me?"
She felt tears burning in her eyes and she shrugged, looking back at him she repeated the same words she'd said a few months before that very day, "It was complicated…"
And he remembered. She knew he remembered. He smiled sadly and nodded, "It always has been…"
"Yeah…" She whispered, "It definitely has…"
They sat in silence for a moment, staring at each other thinking of all the complications. All the reasons why they shouldn't. And then, he remembered that those reasons didn't really matter anymore and he was tired. He was damn tired and he wanted to throw caution to the wind. Wanted to figure out what it was between them, what it was that always pulled him back to her. Reaching out, he tentatively lifted his hand and brushed a strand of hair out of her face, "Complicated or not…I'm glad that you're here with me. I missed the hell out of you Benson."
She felt her heart doing somersaults and wanted so desperately to lean into his touch. Instead, she kept his gaze and nodded, "I missed you too Stabler. Even if you are an asshole…you were my asshole."
He laughed and pulled away, "Well I'm here now…"
"Yeah. You are." She sighed and looked around, "So…where are we go-"
He chuckled, "You should know where…"
Rolling her eyes she tried not to smile, "The Diner? You took me to the damn Diner? I'm that cheap of a date to you?"
He grinned that damn cocky grin and she hated him for it, "I thought you said this wasn't a date…"
She shrugged, "Maybe it's datetish…"
Reaching for the door handle he smiled, "Well okay, then let me get the door for you." She went to protest but he shook his head, "Humor me, would you?"
She sat in her seat, hands under her legs to keep herself from reaching for the door. He opened it and reached his hand out, "Was that so hard?"
"Harder than you'd think." She said, giving his hand a squeeze and looking at the Diner, "I can't believe you brought me here…"
"This was our favorite spot." He said with a laugh, "I had too…I missed it."
"Me too." She whispered, and then grimaced, he looked at her and she sighed, "I stopped coming here after you…" The wind whipped around them and she frowned, shoving her hands in her pockets, "It was just too hard…"
Smiling sadly he cocked his head towards the old building, "If you want to go somewhere else…"
She shook her head and smiled, "No. This is perfect." She could see that he relaxed at his words and she smiled as they walked towards it, "You think Linda still works here?"
He laughed loudly and reached for the door, "She was about 110 then so if she's still here…"
"You'll what?" She said with a laugh as she looked behind the counter, "Cuz I'm damn sure that's her."
"No way." He followed her gaze, "Holy crap…"
"Think she remembers us?" She asked, nudging him, "We always stayed too late and were loud. She hated us."
He frowned, "Only one way to find out…" He held his arm out, "After you partner."
She smiled and approached the counter, "Hello."
The old woman looked up, she blinked twice and then pointed at a booth in the corner, "Your booth is open."
Both of them stood there, mouths hanging open, "How-"
She looked at them again and sighed "You gonna sit or not? I got a Diner to run…"
"We're going. We're going…" Elliot said quickly and pressed his hand into Olivia's back, "Come on…"
The woman called after them, "And no table hockey with the splenda packets!"
"Damn." Olivia said with a sigh, "I was hoping to kick your butt."
He smiled and settled into the booth, "I'll put some in my pocket and we can play later. Deal?"
She was looking at him sitting there, in this crowded, noisy diner and her heart leapt in her throat. Gone was the man she'd seen the last few months and in front of her sat the younger, confident, strong, handsome man she'd met all those years ago. Years of memories washed over her, good and bad and a lump formed in her throat. Nights and early mornings spent here, trying to wash away the images they'd seen. Hours spent laughing at stupid jokes he told because he just wanted to see her smile. It was all there. It was all still right there…
"Liv?" He reached for her arm, "You okay?"
She took a deep breath, snapped out of her daze and pulled off her coat, "Yeah…I'm good El. I'm good." He gave her a nervous look and she smiled, "I'm here with you. How could I not be?"
She saw his shoulders relax as he pulled off his own coat and reached for a menu. He scanned the front page and smiled, "Look at that…"
Olivia looked at her own menu and smiled, "The Benson/Stabler special. It still exists."
Before they could say anything else, two plates were placed in front of them, "Prices went up since you came last. Hope you know that."
Olivia laughed and reached for a fry, "Yep…that's definitely her."
Elliot smiled and felt more relaxed than he had in over a decade. Reaching for his own plate, he had hope. For the first time in a long time, he had real hope. And that felt damn good.
An hour later, they had finished their meal long before but were enjoying the company. It seemed like for the first time since he had been back, all the awkwardness was gone and all that was between them was what they once were. Two people connected, who understood each other better than anyone else. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she had laughed this hard. Her sides hurt, tears fell down her cheek but not out of sadness and that felt good. Damn good.
"And then...remember that Cassidy tripped over the threshold walking into the person's apartment. Fell…and dragged down the Christmtas tree in the corner with him? And John just commented on the fact that at least it wasn't a menorah with real candles?" He said with a laugh.
Olivia wiped at her eyes remembering it well, "God…I haven't thought about that in years."
"I wonder what happened to Cassidy…did Munch scare him off?" He asked with a laugh, "He sure fell hard for you…"
Her cheeks flushed and she reached for a splenda packet, wanting to do something with her hands, "He uh…he is still a cop. Just you know…different precinct and all that."
They'd had many conversations, but for some reason she hadn't told him about Cassidy. Leaning back in the booth he frowned, "Oh. You've seen him?"
She looked down at the table, "I have…" He leaned forward and she whispered, "We…dated. On and off for a while. It was pretty serious for a bit there. He was with me when…when I was…"
"Oh." He didn't need her to finish, "I didn't realize…I mean obviously I didn't but." He cleared his throat and waited for her to look at him, "That's great. I mean…if he…treated you well."
Olivia sighed and smiled sadly, "He did…or he tried. We just…we weren't right for each other. It was never a forever thing…I think it was just comfortable. But then it got hard. And I couldn't let him in and he…made his own mistakes. We wanted different things, had different ideas for the future."
"Was he good to Noah?" He asked, "I mean not that it's my business…"
She smiled, "He cared for Noah. I know that…but I'm not sure that he was ready to be a Father figure. And that's okay."
Elliot watched her carefully, trying to read her expression, "It's a big commitment being a parent. Takes a lot of sacrifice."
"It does." She whispered, "But I'd give my life for that kid. No matter what. I think I knew that the moment I saw him…even when he wasn't mine. But he saved me. And I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life and be his Mother than be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love him the way he deserves."
Elliot smiled, "You're a hell of a Mother Liv. I always knew you would be. And I'm so damn happy for you. I'm even happier that I get to watch you with him now…I'm grateful that you let me finally meet him."
She looked down at the splenda packet in her hand, flicking the side of it, "He cares about you." She whispered, "I can see it in his face…he likes you. Wants to spend more time with you. So like I said last night…if there is any part of you that isn't sure I need you to walk away now. He doesn't deserve to be hurt."
Elliot reached across, stilled her hand and waited for her to look up at him, "And like I said last night…I'm not going anywhere."
He saw her swallow hard, "Even if I just want to be your friend…"
Squeezing her hand, he whispered, "I think you can…see my feelings here. Or at least I hope you can. But…if friendship is all you want from me then I'll still be right here. No matter what."
She pulled her hand back and looked at him, "I kinda hate you. You know that Stabler?"
He smirked, "Oh yeah?"
She looked behind her to see if Linda wasn't looking, then she flicked the packet at him, "Yeah. I hate you because you're impossible to stay mad at."
He chuckled and grabbed the packet, "Must be that Stabler charm."
She rolled her eyes and leaned her head against the booth, "Stabler charm my ass…"
He flicked the packet back at her, "Whatever it is, I'm glad for it. I hate it when you're mad at me."
"I said no playing with the packets." Linda said, slamming a coffee pot down on the table, "You two never listened."
Olivia covered her mouth with her hand and Elliot smiled sheepishly, "Listen…Linda…I'm sorry. I was never a rule follower. Bad habit of mine. Can you ever forgive me?"
She huffed and pointed at Olivia, "You paying for her?"
Elliot smiled and reached into his pocket, "I am."
"This a date?" She asked with an eyebrow raised, "You finally figured it out?"
Olivia's face flushed and Elliot smirked at her, "It's dateish apparently…"
She nodded, "Well…remember 20% is nice but 30% is even better around the Holidays. Especially since you apparently found a better establishment in the past decade."
Olivia laughed again and Elliot held out his card, "Noted."
She took the card and looked at Linda, "And you…make him grovel. Okay?"
Olivia smiled at her, "That's the plan…"
"Good." She held up the coffee pot, "Coffee?"
"Actually…can I get some tea?" She asked softly, "With lemon?"
Linda nodded sure, Elliot opened his mouth to speak and she shook her head, "You get whatever I bring you. I'm mad at you."
Elliot huffed as she walked away and Olivia laughed harder, "God she scares the shit out of me."
She smiled, "I like her. I always did."
Elliot smiled, "Of course you do." He looked back at Linda, "You good here for a second? I want to grab your gift."
She smiled softly and shrugged, "You want to give it to me now?"
He nodded, "Seems like a good time. I'll be right back." She gave him a nervous look and he smiled, "This one didn't fit in my pocket. Just hang tight. I'll be right back."
He stood up and she followed him with her eyes, "Promise?"
His heart ached as he watched her, he reached a hand out and squeezed her shoulder, "I promise Liv."
She let out a shaky breath and gave him a nod letting him know she believed him. When he walked away, she looked down, smoothing her hands across the table trying to calm herself down. Once again she was a rollercoaster of emotions and wanted to stay calm and strong. A moment later, Linda walked back with her tea, "Where'd he go?"
"Oh…just grabbing something from my car." She whispered, "He'll be back in a second."
Linda looked down at her, "I've seen you around the city…seen you on the TV during press conferences. How come you stayed away?"
Olivia looked up at her, "Memories…"
Linda reached out and squeezed her hand, "Ah…they're a real bitch aren't they?" Olivia nodded sadly, "Well…I hope the new memories are better." She looked back at Elliot and saw the gift in his hands, "And remember what I said about the groveling…"
Olivia followed her gaze and smiled, "I will. Thank you Linda."
As she walked away, she shot Elliot a look and he smiled nervously before sliding into the booth across from Olivia, "She could give Cragen a run for his money with those looks. Jesus…"
She laughed and tapped the table, "I like her. She's got spunk. I like that in a woman."
He smirked, "Me too." Sliding a box towards her he whispered, "Here…gift number two."
Her heart flipped in her chest again and she stared down at the box, "El…I mean it when I said you didn't have to get me anything."
He nodded, "I know. But like I told you…these are all things I got while I was away."
She ran her fingers over the red paper, "You really bought all of these over the last ten years?"
"I did." He said with a nod, "Each of them reminded me of you. Everything reminded me of you. But especially these things…"
She looked back up at him, "Should I open it later or now?"
He shrugged, "There is a note in there but you can read it later if you want. I can tell you about it…"
She took a deep breath, "You sure?"
He nodded "Definitely. Open it."
She smiled nervously, but began to pull at the paper to reveal a box. With shaky hands, she pulled the top off of the box and removed the bubble wrap protecting whatever was inside. Pulling the item out, she gasped as she saw what it was. "Elliot…"
He smiled, seeing the emotions play across her face. "It was my second year in Italy…it was pretty there. But it wasn't like New York at Christmas. It was cold but we didn't have any snow and I was desperate for a white Christmas. To make me feel like I was home in some way. I was wandering around the city late at night, stores were hanging up the Christmas lights and it reminded me of all the years we walked through the city together window shopping. I just froze…and I wanted so desperately to see you." He sighed and looked at the object in her hand, "And then I turned to the shop beside me and I saw that teapot in the window…the flowers reminded me of you and your damn tea with the flowers in the cup."
She smiled and traced the flowers on the front, "Don't knock it until you try it."
He rolled his eyes, "Hm…I went inside and asked if they could personalize it. She said yes…"
Olivia looked down at the white teat pot with the pink flowers with her initials painted on the front in black loop letters, OMB. She sighed and whispered, "It's so beautiful…"
He smiled, feeling grateful that she liked it, "I was standing there in the store and Elvis came on the radio. And I started to laugh…everyone was looking at me."
She laughed, "You and Elvis…God how many times did I have to endure listening to you sing off key to his songs on a stakeout."
He smirked, "More times than I could even count." He shrugged and reached for the two tea cups in the box that matched, "You were always with me Liv. Always…no matter how far away I was."
Her eyes were locked on him, "El…"
"And I'll keep saying it until I die…but I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry and I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to fully forgive me even if I don't deserve it." He whispered.
She smiled and reached across the table to place her hand over his arm, "You're on the right track Elliot…"
"Good." He said with a smile, "Well…I'll keep groveling like Linda suggested."
She laughed and moved her hand back to the teapot, "I have to work late tonight. But I'm glad we did this…it was…nice."
"It was." He leaned back in his seat, "You busy tomorrow? You and Noah? We're supposed to get snow tonight…maybe we could go sledding?"
She bit down hard on her lip, "So we're continuing this daily routine?"
He nodded, "Until Christmas Day. I told you…ten gifts Liv. This will be gift number three. You in?"
She thought about sledding with Noah and Elliot, thinking about a year earlier when she'd met him in the park. When he'd given her the letter. When she'd run off with Noah and hated herself for thinking that she wished Elliot had followed them. So much had happened in that time and even more was happening now. She could say no. She knew she was in control here. But…she didn't want to.
So instead she nodded, "Sure. What time?"
"One?" He asked, "I can pick you up or meet you wherever Noah likes to go."
She smiled, "One is good…and yeah we'll meet you there. At…" She cleared her throat, "Same park as last time?"
His heart jumped in his throat and he knew exactly where she was talking about. He remembered how screwed up in the head he felt that day. He wondered now if giving her the letter had been the right thing to do. He was so confused, so wrapped up in his emotions that he still felt he owed it to Kathy. And yet…he knew in the end it probably did more harm than good. Even if he had written the last part…that's why he was so hopeful that he could make it all up to her in the next ten days. "I'll be there."
She smiled and looked at her watch, "Okay. Well…I need to head back to work. But thank you for lunch."
He wished she could stay but he nodded, understanding, "Anytime Liv."
Standing up, she reached for a splenda packet and chucked it at him, "Be good."
He laughed, "Okay Cap." He paused, "Actually before you go…can you send me Cragen's number? I uh…I wanna give him a call."
She smiled, knowing he really was trying to make up for lost time with all his old friends. Lifting her phone, she sent him the information, "That's a step in the right direction El…"
He smiled, remembering that conversation on his apartment steps. The very night he saw the flowers in his cup. The ones that reminded him of the teapot, "I figured it's time…"
Reaching for the box she carefully placed the teapot and cups back in, making sure to wrap them up so they wouldn't break, "I'm proud of you El. Just in case I forgot to tell you that…"
He smiled and looked up at her, "That means a lot Liv. Thank you."
"I'll see you tomorrow?" She asked, he nodded, "Bye El."
"Bye Liv." He whispered, "Be safe tonight."
She walked backwards and nodded, "Always."
He watched her until she was completely out of sight and then reached for the coffee that Linda had brought him. He sighed as he took a sip, he was happy to be home but he hated American coffee. He jumped when someone sat across from him, "Jesus."
"So…" She reached for Olivia's abandoned tea, "You gonna do right by her?"
Elliot's mouth hung open, "What?"
She took a sip and rolled her eyes, "Are you gonna do right by her or are you gonna screw this up again?"
He laughed and rested his chin on his hand, "How do you even know anything about us?"
"I can tell when two people have a history. I knew it back then. But I also knew you were cops and you were married…" She looked down at his bare hand, "But you aren't married now?"
Elliot looked down, looking at his empty ring finger that was still new to him and he flexed his fingers, "No. I'm not."
"Hm." She lifted the cup to her lips, "She's a good person. And she deserves the best. So…don't screw this one up again."
He reached for his coffee and took another sip, "I won't."
"Good." She sighed and clinked her cup with his, "Then don't be a stranger. I didn't name a dish after you two for nothing. You were once my best customers…""
He smiled, "Well hopefully we'll be back a lot more from now on…"
She nodded, stood up and grabbed his cup from him, "Okay but get out of here for now. I don't trust you if she's not here."
Elliot laughed at the sudden change of demeanor, "Uh…okay."
"But don't forget what I said about the tip!" She yelled as she walked away.
Elliot chuckled and watched her go, very grateful for second chances…
That night, Elliot sat in a little cafe near his apartment waiting for Cragen. He'd called and asked if he wanted to meet. Olivia was working later and his kids and his Mom all had plans. He hated being alone, especially around the Holidays. Besides, it was time to right all his wrongs. It was the only way to move forward.
He heard the jingle of the bells above the door signaling that someone was coming in. He looked up and smiled when he saw his old boss walking in. He stood up and held out his hand, "Hey Cap."
Cragen smiled and shook his hand, "You and Benson need to stop calling me that. I haven't been Captain in a long time."
Elliot smiled as they sat down, "You'll always be Cap to us…"
Cragen sighed and sat down across from him, "Don't get all sappy on me yet Stabler."
Elliot laughed and said, "Sorry…being back the last year has changed me a bit I think. At least in some ways."
"Change isn't a bad thing." He said with a shrug, "Especially when it means we are growing."
Elliot looked down at the water in his hands, "I owe you an apology. I owe a lot of people apologies…walking away like that was wrong. After everything you did for me I owed it to you to tell you to your face. To explain myself. To give you more of a warning. I left you all in the dust and I'm sorry."
Cragen leaned back in his chair, "I won't pretend that we weren't all upset. That it didn't hurt. But at the same time…part of me understood Elliot. You'd had enough. I told you when you took that job that most people only lasted a few years. You'd been there well over a decade and it takes its toll. I do wish you could have talked to us instead of disappearing though."
"Me too." He whispered, "But we both know that I was never good at talking…especially about my feelings. I preferred to keep it all bottled up. It was easier that way…or so I thought."
"You kept it bottled up until you went into a rage. I drank it all away." He said with a shrug, "No one is perfect Elliot."
Elliot looked at the older man, saw how much the last decade had changed him and he was glad for this chance to try and make up for lost time, "Thank you…for being here for her when I couldn't be. I need to tell Fin and John that too."
"I'm afraid I was hard on her when you left. But I knew that it was killing her and I was afraid she'd shut us all out. So I pushed her to move on. To let go. I don't think she ever did though." He said.
"I never let go of her either." He frowned and looked down, "Can I ask you something?"
Cragen nodded slowly, thinking he knew what was coming next, "Sure."
"How bad was it?" He asked in a shaky voice, "I read the files…or as much as I could. But…how bad was it really?"
Elliot saw a sadness wash over Don's face. The type of sadness that only existed when you've witnessed something truly terrible, especially when it involved someone you cared about. "Elliot, I'll be honest…it took a hell of a lot of strength not to cope with a bottle of whiskey again after seeing her that way." Elliot inhaled sharply hearing that confession, "But she needed us…so I held it together as best I could. But it was bad…very bad. Some days I don't know how she got out alive. Not once…but twice. And I kick myself for not realizing something was going on sooner."
Elliot looked down at his hands, "I would have noticed…"
"Yeah. You probably would have." He whispered, "But…we can't change the past Elliot. We can only try and make the future better. And I can see you are trying…"
"I've had a lot of regrets in my life." Elliot whispered, "But none like the regret I feel over hurting her. She deserved more…she deserved better."
"She did." Cragen whispered, "But, she's strong. Stronger than all of us combined. If she didn't want you in her life…if she didn't want to forgive you…she'd tell you."
Elliot narrowed his eyes at her, "How'd you put up with us for all those years?"
Cragen laughed, "You two tested my sobriety over the years that's for sure. But you were good at your jobs. Damn good. You worked harder than any other Detectives I had and I respected the hell out of you both for it. So despite the headaches and massive amounts of extra paperwork you caused…it was all worth it." He looked right at him, "Watching you two work together was magic. You understood each other, pushed each other, made each other better and never stopped until justice was served. It was an honor being your superior."
Elliot's face flushed, "It was an honor being part of your Squad…"
Cragen sighed, "Look at us…two old men becoming total saps. God help us…" He reached for his own water, "My how things have changed…"
Elliot smiled and shrugged his shoulders, "Yeah…but change isn't always a bad thing. Someone I respect a hell of a lot told me that…"
Cragen smiled, "Look at you actually listening to me for once."
Elliot smiled, "There's a first time for everything, isn't there?"
Cragen chuckled and lifted his own water, "Only took two decades…"
"Better late than never." Elliot said with a smile.
After dinner, Elliot drove around the city taking in all the lights and sights he had missed for so long. It seemed everywhere he looked he remembered something from their partnership. A pretzel stand where they'd grabbed a quick snack on a shift. A store they'd stopped in, a corner where they'd chased a perp. Everything reminded him of her, just like it did even all the way in Italy.
The radio played Christmas song after Christmas song. One came on the radio that he'd heard many times, one that reminded him desperately of his time in Italy. The years he'd fought with Kathy and knew that she knew that he was thinking of someone else.
Christmas night
Another fight
Tears we cried a flood
Got all kinds of poison in
Of poison in my blood
I took my feet to Oxford street
Trying to right a wrong
"Just walk away" those windows say
But I can't believe she's gone
When you're still waiting for the snow to fall
Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all…
Before he knew it, he realized he had subconsciously driven to her apartment building. Parking out front, he looked up and saw a light on. He wondered if she was home or if it was just Lucy with Noah…he reached for his phone…
Up above candles on air flicker
Oh, they flicker, and they flow
And I'm up here holding onto
All those chandeliers of hope
And like some drunken Elvis singing
I go singing out of tune
Singing how I always loved you, darling
And I always will
Oh, when you're still waiting for the snow to fall
It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all
Still waiting for the snow to fall
It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all
Upstairs, Olivia had gotten home only a few minutes before. She was tired but grateful to be home. Noah was already in bed and she had let Lucy leave when she got there. She'd changed into something more comfortable and walked into the kitchen to make herself some tea. And then she remembered…smiling, she went and got the teapot that Elliot had given her this afternoon as a Christmas song rang through the speakers. The same Christmas song that Elliot was listening to in his own car…
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Down where the sea and city meet
May all your troubles soon be gone
Oh, Christmas lights keep shining on
As she waited for the tea to brew, she thought about their lunch. About how good it felt to sit there and laugh like old times. How it felt amazing to have her best friend back after all this time and to feel like they were going in the right direction finally. She still wasn't clear that that direction was what she was ready for, but she did know she was enjoying what was happening and looked forward to seeing what else Elliot had planned. She couldn't wait to tell Noah about sledding in the morning. She knew he'd be excited, especially to hear that Elliot was coming with them. It was already starting to snow outside and she hoped there was enough to make sledding that much more memorable.
As she poured her cup of tea, she heard her phone ping. Reaching for it, she pulled up the text and smiled when she saw Elliot's name and the message that flashed across the screen. Make it home safe Captain?
Her fingers reached out and traced the letters on the front of the teapot. She thought about a message to send back and then just jumped, deciding to call him instead. It only rang once before he answered, "Good evening Captain Benson."She bit down hard on her lip and reached for her cup of tea, "Good evening Detetive. I did make it home safe a few minutes ago…"
She didn't know he was in his car on the street looking up at her window, "Well I hope you can find a way to relax and unwind after a busy work week."
Pulling the phone back, she snapped a picture of the tea pot and smiled pressing send, "Oh I found a way."
Elliot heard the ping of the message and looked down at the picture, smiling to himself, "I'm glad you like it…"
"I love it. It's beautiful. And so thoughtful." She whispered, "Thank you El…"
"You're welcome." He said, "We still on for sledding tomorrow?" He looked up at the snow falling from the sky, "Looks like we're going to get a good few inches tonight. Should make for some good sledding conditions."
"I will definitely be there." She whispered, "Noah too."
"Good." He sighed and kept his eyes trained on the window, "I'm glad you called. But if I was there…if I had dropped you off…"
And suddenly she knew. She knew he was there. Standing up, she walked towards the window where a little lamp sat in the window, "You'd make me blink my lights?"
He smiled, seeing her through the glass, "Exactly."
"Well…" She whispered, "I'm home safe Stabler. You can go home now…"
And then she blinked her lights twice and his heart soared, "Goodnight Olivia…"
She leaned against the window and smiled, "Goodnght Elliot…"
And then she hung up the phone, walked to the couch and curled up with her tea, admiring the Christmas lights he'd strung just last night. And for the first time in a long time, everything felt just right.
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Maybe they'll bring her back to me
And then all my troubles will be gone
Oh, Christmas lights keep shining on
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Down in his car, he stayed parked for another moment, just watching the window, happy to know she was home safe and sound. Happy to know that she still wanted him in her life. Happy to know that she was beginning to finally let him in, finally forgive him and he wasn't going to take that for granted. Taking a deep breath, he put the car back in drive and listened to the song as it ended and the Christmas lights along the street lit up his path.
Maybe this year would be his best year yet…
Oh, Christmas lights
Light up the street
Light up the fireworks in me
May all your troubles soon be gone
Those Christmas lights keep shining on