A/N - Song featured in this chapter "River" by Joni Mitchell.

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I OWN NOTHING.

Saturday December 18, 2021

Saturday morning, Olivia was up early despite how hard she had worked the last week. It was part of her, waking up, living on limited sleep. She was standing at the counter in the kitchen, staring at the tree that was now lit up in the early morning light. It was still snowing lightly outside but it was clear they had gotten quite a bit overnight. Perfect for sledding.

Taking her coffee to the couch, she sat down on the corner of the couch and pulled the blanket up over her lap to ward off the early morning chill. She was excited for today, she couldn't deny that. But she would be lying if it didn't make her think about last year when she'd taken Noah sledding and met Elliot at the park. She remembered it all. What he said, how she felt and what Noah had asked her she walked away from Elliot

Yeah, I, uh... can't believe you lived in Rome.

Had this great apartment. Terrace overlooking this century palazzo. You would've loved it.

You know, Elliot, I... I can't.

I get it.

They found a burner cell at the Lenski kid's apartment. Now it's in the bag. Our tech guys couldn't crack it, but maybe you know someone.

Yeah. Okay. Liv. Thank you. Again. Uh, look, when I RSVP'd for your award ceremony, they asked me to say a few words, and, um, you know me and public speaking. - [WEAKLY]

Yeah.

Yeah, so... I wrote this, uh... And I was gonna give it to you that evening. Probably a better way to say what I was just about to say, so... um... Just take it, read it. Don't read it. Throw it away. Um... You know, whatever you decide, I understand.

Mommy! Mommy! Did you see that one, Mom?

Oh.

Mm-hmm. Yes, honey, I did. You're amazing! Should I try it, or no?

Yeah, you should try.

Here, or where?

Let's go to the other one.

Yeah.

She followed her son towards the hill that Noah wanted to go down. She didn't turn around but she knew Elliot was watching them, she could feel it. She'd always known when he was watching her, even after all this time. She didn't want to look at him, didn't want him to know he still had this effect on her. She felt the weight of the letter he had handed her in her pocket. Was he just going to show up at her ceremony and act like he hadn't been gone for a whole fucking decade? She was trying to be kind, patient, he was going through hell. But there was part of her that just wanted to scream, throw things, hit him, making him fucking see what he had done…

"Mom?" Olivia snapped out of her daze and looked down at her son, "Oh. Hey. Sorry…"

Noah looked at her, then looked behind her, he could see the man she had been talking to slowly starting to walk away, "Who was that?"

He looked familiar. He thought he'd seen a picture of him somewhere before but he was far away and he couldn't quite be sure. His Mom had been off the last few days, Uncle Fin had told him to be super helpful, more so than usual. That his Mom was tired, busy at work. But something more was clearly going on. She didn't answer which was unusual and he asked again, pressing the sled into his hip, "Mom?"

She looked behind her slowly and he saw her shoulders slump when she realized the man had left, "Oh…just someone I used to know."

Noah tugged on her arm, "A friend?"

Olivia turned back to her son, "You have so many questions today…let's just go sled, okay?"

She pulled on his arm to walk to the tallest part of the hill but he didn't move, "Mom…"

She sighed and turned back to him, "Honey, it's nothing you need to worry about. Just something for work, okay?"

"So you work with him." Noah stated and she sighed again, "You don't work with him?""I did work with him…a long time ago. A very long time ago. Before you were around." She said with a smile, "A different life really…""Was he your partner?" She didn't answer, "Uncle Fin said you had a partner before Uncle Nick.""Uncle Fin has a big mouth." She said with a grumble, "But yes Noah. He was my partner before Uncle Nick."

Noah contemplated his next question, "Why haven't I met him before?"

Olivia reached out for him and pulled him close, "Because the only people who get to meet my kid are really important people."

"So he's not important?" Noah asked as they continued to walk."Not anymore." She dropped a kiss to the top of his head, "But I'm tired of talking. Let's sled, alright?"

Noah watched her carefully, "Mom?" She looked at him again and he frowned, "You're okay, right?"

Olivia smiled and dropped the sled to the ground in front of her, "Course I am. I always am." She sat down on the sled, "Now, you coming or am I doing this one alone?"

Noah laughed, "If you do it alone, you'll break something."

Rolling her eyes, she pulled him down in front of her and in between her legs, "You're so mean to your Mother, you know that?"

Noah laughed and felt his Mom start to push them forward, "Hold on tight!"

The couch dipped below her and she turned to see her son sitting down beside her. He was clearly still half asleep and he curled up beside her, "Why are we awake?"

Olivia laughed and pulled the blanket up around him, "I'm awake because I'm a Mother and a Captain of a Police Squad so I never sleep. I don't know why you're awake." He grumbled and leaned against her, she ran her hands through his curls, placing her coffee down on the table beside her, "I didn't wake you up, did I?"

Noah yawned and pulled the blanket up around him more, "No."

She smiled, reveling in this moment. He was growing faster than she ever could have believed and she knew these moments would be few and far between soon. This was something she never thought she'd have. A son. A family. And she would hold him close as long as she possibly could. It was quiet and she wished she could stay here forever, safe, in this tiny bubble with the most important person in the world to her. Her miracle.

"Are we still going sledding with Elliot today?" He asked.

His voice was laced with sleep and she nodded, wrapping her other arm around him, "That's the plan…you okay with that?"

Noah shifted slightly so he could look up at her, "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

Olivia shrugged and looked down at him, brushing his curls away from his forehead, "I mean…we haven't really talked much about him. I know you hung out with him the other night…that he took you to dinner. You've seen him a handful of times but I just want to know what you're thinking. You're my son and your opinion matters."

Noah was quiet for a moment, contemplating his answer, "Well I like hanging out with him. I had a lot of fun with him the other night. He listens to me…he's funny." He smiled softly, "He cares about you…"

Olivia laughed and tickled him, "And how would you know that?"

Noah laughed and rolled his eyes, "It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out Mom."

Olivia laughed harder, "Okay…anything else you want to say?"

"Well…you like to try and hide things from me. But I think you care about him too?" Noah asked softly.

She didn't answer for a moment, "Elliot…was a big part of my life for many years."

"And then he left…" Noah whispered, "He told me he didn't want to go. That he didn't want to hurt you. That he wants to make it better…"

Olivia sighed and rested her head against the back of the couch, "You two talked a lot then, huh?"

Noah shrugged, "I had some questions…wanted to make sure he was going to stick around."

Olivia took a deep breath and shifted, "Noah…you know that no one comes before you, right?"

Noah nodded slowly, "I know…" He shrugged, "But you're allowed to care about other people too." He paused before asking again, "And you care about Elliot…right?"

Olivia smiled down at him, "Yeah…I care about him. But…"

"But…" Noah said with a smile, "It's complicated?" Olivia nodded again and he could see her swallow hard, he wondered if she was trying not to cry, "Is this kinda like the whole it's Team Mom and Noah thing and there isn't room for anyone else?"

"I wouldn't say that there isn't room for anyone else, just that I'm being a bit cautious." She whispered, "I'm not sure if that makes sense…"

"You don't want me to get hurt like when Peter left." He whispered.

They were both quiet for a moment and then she answered, "Yeah…something like that."

Noah let her words sink in. He'd often thought about Peter Stone, where he was, why he wasn't good enough to make the man stick around. He wondered if it was something he did. Or maybe it was just part of life, people coming and going. But he liked Elliot. He wanted him to stick around, but would he? Sitting up a little, he turned to look at his Mom. She was watching him, always watching him, but this time she looked sad. He hated it when she was sad…

"I like being on a team with you." He said softly, and he saw her smile, "We're a good team."

Olivia reached for his hand and squeezed gently, "The best team."

Noah smiled, "But you made a good team with Elliot before…" He felt her freeze, "At least that's what I've heard."

Olivia looked down at their joined hands, "At work…yeah we made a good team."

"So…" Noah whispered, "Maybe you can make a good team again?" Olivia looked back at him, "Or maybe he can be part of the team we have now? And Eli too…"

She felt the tears burning in her eyes and she wasn't sure she was going to be able to hold them in this time, "And if that happened…would you be okay with it?"

Noah shrugged, "I like it when you're happy. And when I saw you with Elliot that night we got the tree you seemed happy. You laughed a lot. You were having fun. I liked that…and I had fun too." He shrugged again, "So…if we could have more nights like that, that would be okay with me."

Olivia felt her heart doing somersaults in her chest for so many reasons. She couldn't deny that part of her had been holding back because of her son. Because she didn't want him to be hurt. It wasn't the only reason, but it was a big reason. Reaching out, she pulled him back into her arms and he didn't protest, something she was very grateful for, "Noah…"

He squeezed his Mom a little tighter, "I know you want to protect me from everything. It's part of the reason you're such a good Mom." He tilted his head to look at her and Olivia looked down at him in awe, his eyes sparkling against the Christmas tree lights, "But…maybe it's time we at least try to expand Team Noah and Mom? And if it doesn't work out…" He felt her tense, "You'll always have me."

Olivia let out a little shaky breath, leaned down and kissed his head, "My greatest gift kid. You have no idea how much I love you. How long I waited for you…"

Noah leaned against her and looked at the tree, "It's gonna be okay Mom. No matter what. I promise."

Olivia closed her eyes, reveling in the moment and sighed, "I sure hope so…"

That afternoon, Olivia was a bundle of nerves as they went to the park to meet Elliot. After her talk with Noah, they had both fallen asleep on the couch for a while and it was exactly what she had needed. Noah was everything to her and she needed to know that he felt comfortable with Elliot. Even if this didn't turn into more than friendship…she had to make sure her son was okay with him even being around. And while she was grateful for her son's words, it also made this all a bit more real…

And for Olivia Benson…that was terrifying.

As they stood in the park, she was once again thinking about that day almost a year ago. The letter. All its implications. The shock back then of the fact that he was even back. If she was honest with herself, that day she had expected him to say he was leaving again. Expected to have her heart broken once more by the only man she'd ever truly loved. And yet…he was still here. Was it any less complicated? No. But…he was still here.

"There's Elliot!" Noah said tugging on her arm, "Told you'd he come."

Elliot smiled as he approached them, "Was there doubt in that?"

"Oh." Olivia's cheeks flushed, "Uh…no? Not really. I just told Noah that you know…something might come up with work or your kids or maybe you had something better to do and-"

"Something better than sledding with you two? No way." Elliot said with a smile, "I've been looking forward to this for longer than you'd think…"

Olivia inhaled sharply, the look on his face told her he was absolutely telling the truth and she wondered…was he thinking about last year too? Was he thinking about all the years they'd been apart? All the moments he could have been here for and shared in with Noah? Her son tugged on her arm again, "Told ya." He paused and looked to the left, "Hey, that's Josh and Sarah from my class. Can I go say hi real quick?"

Olivia followed his gaze, "Oh. Sure…but don't go any farther okay?"

"Yes Mom. I know the drill. I need to be within your peripheral vision at all times." He looked up at Elliot, "Does that rule apply to you too?"

Elliot smiled down at the boy, "Absolutely."

Noah sighed and stepped away, "Cops…"

Elliot chuckled and Olivia smiled as Noah walked away, "He's something that kid of yours."

Olivia watched him walk towards his friends, "Oh yeah…he's something alright."

Elliot tugged on his gloves and looked back at her, "So…"

She turned back to him, her cheeks instantly blushing when she saw the look on her face, "I hope I didn't offend you. I just…wanted to make sure Noah knew that sometimes things come up. Didn't want him to be upset. I mean he lives this with me everyday but…"

"But it's different with someone new." Elliot wihhpsered, she nodded slowly, "I get it. I really do."

"It's hard." She whispered, "I know I disappoint him more often than not…I try not to miss the big stuff but…"

"But sometimes duty calls." Elliot whispered, "I remember it well. Hell I still feel it, especially with Eli. But we do the best we can, Liv. And the job we do is for our kids. To keep them safe. He may not understand it right now…but someday he will."

"Yeah? Your older kids know that now?" She asked softly, genuinely curious.

Elliot nodded, "They do. And I think Eli's getting there little by little…I mean being gone for so long was hard. Especially on the four older ones who were still here. But they're tough…"

"Like their Mom and Dad." She replied without missing a beat.

His heart ached for a moment, "No…tougher than me. That's for damn sure. And Kathy put up with a hell of a lot of bullshit from me…so she was definitely stronger than me."

"She loved you." Olivia whispered, her voice laced with sadness, "People make sacrifices when they love someone."

He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked out at all the families running through the snow. He missed his wife. He wouldn't deny that. He had loved her. He'd spent many years with her, had five incredible kids with her. He couldn't and wouldn't ever want to take back his marriage. But it was different. The love he had for her was different compared to the love he had for this woman in front of him. And with that came guilt. He knew Olivia knew that, he knew deep down she felt it too.

"We both made sacrifices. We wanted what we thought was best for our family. For the kids." He said with a shrug, "But I'm not sure we always got it right."

"No one gets it right all the time." She laughed softly, "Hell, I'm pretty sure I get it wrong 95% of the time with Noah but he still tolerates me. At least for now…once we hit the teenage years I'm sure he'll resent me at every turn."

Elliot smiled sadly, "They do go through that phase at some point…but then they come around. You'll see." She looked back at him, "And hopefully…if you let me, I'll be around to remind you of that when it seems like you've lost him."

Her cheeks flushed and her heart skipped a beat, "El…"

"I know." He whispered, "I know all the reasons you should kick my damn ass. I know all the reasons why you shouldn't believe me or trust me. And yet…you're here willing to give me a shot. So that gives me hope. Even if it's a fool's hope…I'll take it." He saw her look down, "I will never be able to fully make things better…for what I did. For how I treated you. And for that, I am truly sorry. But I hope you know that even back then…I did…Olivia I did lo-"

"I know." She whispered, cutting him off quickly, right here right now she wasn't ready to hear those words, "I know El."

He sighed heavily and shoved his hands in his pockets, "Look we uh…we never really discussed the whole letter thing." She gave him a look and he grimaced, "At least not while I was sober."

She shook her head, "We really don't need to…"

"Kathy…" He heard her inhale sharply again but he pushed on, "She respected you. She even cared about you…and I think that was complicated for her. Confusing. Because she was also…terrified of you."

Olivia grimaced, "El…I never would have-"

"I know." He said with a nod, "And she knew I wouldn't have either. But…she also knew what you and I had was…" His voice broke off, and she could hear and feel the emotion behind it, "Was a lot deeper than what she and I had. And I can't imagine how much that hurt her…"

"Please don't make me feel any worse than I did for all those years. I tried El…I did the best I could. I respected your marriage. I respected her. But I can't pretend that I didn't…that there weren't feelings…" She gestured between them, "And I'm sorry I hurt her."

Elliot nodded, "And so am I." He looked back towards the spot he had given her the letter, "That day I gave you the letter…" He shifted, his boots crunching the snow under his feet, "I battled with it. Especially because I knew it was mostly her words…but even then I felt this obligation. And I know that it hurt you…again. I can't take it back. But I always felt like I had to…"

"Put her first." She whispered, he looked back at her, "She was your wife Elliot. That's how it should have been."

He frowned, "Yeah…but I had an obligation to you too. As my best friend. As my partner. And as complicated as it all was…I should have done better. And I'm sorry."

She blinked quickly, but he saw the tear fall but didn't comment on it and she knew he wouldn't. He knew how much she hated crying in front of other people, how she prided herself on being strong. "I was really…confused when I read it. And…hurt. But mostly confused…it made me go back to that place after you left. I thought I was crazy…that all those years…I had just been imagining things."

"You weren't." He whispered, "It was all real Liv. All very real…the timing was just…"

"Hmm…" She smiled sadly and nodded, "Timing…it's a funny thing isn't it?" He nodded sadly, "But…you got your kids. And I got Noah…" She looked at her son, "And I don't want to live in a Universe where Noah doesn't exist…" Then she looked at him, and hoped he understood what she was saying, "Or one where Eli doesn't exist either…"

Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat. He knew then that she had felt it. Those months after she came back from Oregon. The what ifs. The moments where they almost crossed those blurred lines. And then Kathy had gotten pregnant and it all went back to the way it was, maybe even more complicated than before. And when he'd hugged her in the hospital, he knew they both had felt that they were letting go of what could have been. And it had hurt like fucking hell.

"Me either…" He whispered sadly, "Liv…"

"So even a parallel universe…" She whispered, and he stood up a little straighter, "As good as it might have sounded for a moment. It wouldn't be…what was meant to be."

He looked at Noah out of the corner of his eye, "He's a hell of a kid Liv…and that's all you."

The wind blew around them, a few new flakes of fresh snow fell, one landing on her nose and she brushed it aside, "He's my world…" She whispered again, "My whole entire Universe revolves around him…not a parallel one. But this one…"

"Mom!" Noah started running towards them again.

"But maybe…" She whispered, "Maybe there is room in this Universe for all of us. Maybe the timing…is finally…almost right?"

Elliot stood there, his heart pounding, taking in her words and trying to process them. Timing was a funny thing. He'd gotten it wrong most of the time in his life. But like Olivia said, he wouldn't have the things he did have without it. And neither would she. As Noah approached her, he heard them talking, and it warmed his heart. He really was so damn proud of her. So happy to witness this. And even though sometimes he still stayed up late at night and thought about all of those what ifs…maybe it was time to stop living in that parallel universe and start living in this one.

He had been so lost in his thoughts, he didn't realize that Olivia and Noah were already on the move until he heard the young boy call his name, "Elliot?" Elliot snapped out of his daze and looked at him, "You coming?"

Olivia smiled at her former partner, the wind whipping through her long curly hair. She had a twinkle in her eye, one he hadn't seen in well over a decade, "Yeah El, you coming?"

He took a deep breath, took two slow steps forward and then jogged towards them, "Absolutely."

After a few runs on one hill, Noah pointed out a bigger hill that he wanted to try. Olivia and Elliot followed him and watched as he sped down the hill happily. Elliot followed close behind but Olivia stayed back a bit.

Noah and Elliot came running up the hill towards her, "Come on Mom! You need to try this one! It's the best one!"

Olivia scrunched up her nose, "I think I'm good watching this one buddy…"

Noah huffed and leaned the sled against his side, "You scared?"

"Whoa." Elliot said putting a hand on his back, "Careful there kid. That's dangerous territory to be heading in. From one man to another…don't ask a woman that." Olivia laughed and he continued talking, "Besides, I happen to know that you're Mom isn't afraid of anything."

Noah looked up at Elliot, "Mom says everyone is afraid of something and that's okay. Right Mom?"

Olivia nodded slowly, "Right. But no…I'm not afraid of the hill."

"But she is afraid of Spiders." Noah said with a sigh, "Really afraid."

"Oh I do remember that." Elliot said with a loud laugh, "She could take down some of the strongest people in the city but a tiny little spider sent her into a tailspin…"

Olivia huffed, "Nothing should have that many legs! It's unnatural!"

Noah looked back at Elliot, "I'm afraid of the middle of the ocean. No one knows what's under there."

"That one I understand." Elliot said, pointing at him, "I don't like that either."

Noah smiled, "I'm also kind of afraid of Mrs. Faulkner…" He shivered and Olivia laughed, "She's the Secretary at school and one bad look from her and you'll be cursed for life. I'm sure of it."

"Good to know." Elliot said with a laugh, "Alright, so I take it back. Everyone is afraid of something."

"Other than the deep dark ocean…" Noah said looking back at him, "What else are you afraid of?"

Elliot sucked in his lower lip and thought for a moment, "Well…I've never been big on aliens. And I don't love mice either…"

"He screams like a girl when he sees them." Olivia added, Noah laughed and Elliot shot her a look, "Hey…you made fun of me for the spider thing."

He rolled his eyes but smiled, "So yes, I'm afraid of mice, aliens, the open ocean and…"

Noah waited and then asked, "And?"

Elliot looked at the young boy, then over at his former partner and the love of his life, "Time. Time scares me…it goes too fast. And as you get older it goes even faster. So fast that it slips by before you can even realize it. And sometimes so much time passes and it's hard to…make up for all the time lost."

Noah looked between the two adults, he could sense the tension, even at his age he knew whatever had happened or hadn't happened was big. His Mom was fixated on her former partner and he knew that sometimes she just needed a little push. Taking a deep breath he said, "Well…everyone should try and face their fears, right?"

Elliot snapped out of his daze and looked down at her, "Yeah. They should. Sometimes anyway."

Noah looked back at his Mom, "Well you faced that really hairy spider last week so maybe you should face the hill Mom…"

"I said I wasn't afraid!" She said quickly, both of them looked at her, "It's not that I'm afraid…I'm just not sure my physical therapist would really appreciate it when I tell him I rolled my ankle sledding."

"Fair point." Noah said with a frown, "But maybe that just means you need a partner to go with." His eyes lit up and he smirked, "You know, someone you know you work well with. That you can trust." He pointed back at Elliot, "Hey look! Your former partner is here!"

Olivia laughed and Elliot's cheeks blushed, "Noah Porter Benson…"

Noah dropped his sled and hopped on, "Meet ya at the bottom Mom! If I had to face the ocean on our last vacation…you're gonna have to face this one!"

Before she could say another word he was gone and Elliot and Olivia were left alone at the top again, "Damn kid…"

Elliot chuckled, "He's good…I'll give him that. Drives a hard bargain. You sure you didn't give birth to him? He's just like you. Doesn't give up."

Olivia laughed and shook her head, "Elliot…"

He shrugged and held up the sled, "We don't have to do it…but I will say it's fun. And I will also argue that we've gone through much more dangerous scenarios together and come out unscathed." She gave him a look, "Or partially unscathed…"

She frowned and shoved her hands in her pockets, "I wasn't kidding that my physical therapist probably won't like this…"

Elliot nodded, "Fair point. And that's my fault you have to go anyway…"

She rolled her eyes, "Please, we both know I'm accident prone. It was only a matter of time before I started breaking down."

Elliot laughed and walked closer to her, "You may be right about that…" He looked down at the hill where Noah was waiting, "But…if you wanna give it a go, I'll do my best to keep you safe."

"You always did." She whispered, he looked back at her and she shrugged, "El…"

He shook his head, "I wasn't lying when I said I was afraid of time. It all went so fast…I kept meaning to call or reach out in some way but I was scared. Next thing I knew it was ten years gone and I didn't know how…"

She cut him off quickly, "I know El. I know…time goes faster and faster as we get older. But we can't change the past…"

He stepped all the way up to her, looked straight in her eyes and whispered, "But we can change our future…you in?"

She knew he was asking for a lot more than a ride on a sled. She knew there were a lot of impolcations with this, a lot of things she should consider and maybe she would alter. In fact she knew at some point she'd start to panic, that was a given. But right here, right now, with him, she wanted to just live in this moment. In this universe with her son and the man she had loved for well over two decades. And maybe, just maybe that was okay.

She looked down at the bottom of the hill and saw her son, "You gonna pay for my extra PT services if I break my hip?"

He smirked and placed the sled down on the ground, "Sure. I'll even offer to stretch you out per your doctor's orders…or my orders…"

She narrowed her eyes at him, "Stretch me out? Really?" He laughed and shrugged, "Is that your pick up line?"

"I saw the opportunity and I went with it." He said with a smile.

"Hmmm…" She pointed to the sled, "We're supposed to fit on that together?"

"We're gonna have to get pretty close but I think we can manage." He said with a playful glint in her eyes, "So…you gonna face your fears Benson?"

She smiled and nodded, "Guess so…"

"Great." Elliot sat down on the sled and smiled sheepishly up at her, "Plenty of room for you…"

She rolled her eyes and stepped between his legs, "You're enjoying this way too much…"

He held his breath as she settled against him, noticing how perfectly she fit against his body, "Just a bit…"

She felt her heart pounding in her chest, "I still think this is a terrible idea…"

Elliot started to scooch forward, pressing his hands into the snow, "Well with our terrible ideas…we generally threw caution to the wind and just jumped in head first so we might as well do the same thing now."

Olivia laughed and put her hands on his legs, "We're gonna die aren't we…"

He felt them moving faster over the first hump, "Not die, but we may break a few bones. I'll do my best to keep you safe."

She squeezed his knees closer to her, "I'm gonna kill you for this Stabeler!"

They flew past the other sledders, and she screamed loudly, his laughter ringing in the air between them. He wrapped his arms protectively around her, and shifted his body weight to try and steer them. They were going faster than he had anticipated and he could see Noah getting bigger as they approached the bottom. "Hold on Liv!"

She yelped loudly and closed her eyes as they flew past Noah. Before she knew it, they veered to the left and fell to the side, crashing into a snowbank. Elliot rolled to the side, and Olivia fell beside him, face first into the snow. Elliot sat up slowly, shook his head and looked over to where Olivia lay. His heart dropped to his stomach when he didn't see her moving.

Quickly, he crawled over and flipped her over, "Liv! Liv! Are you okay?" She didn't move, her eyes were closed and panic set in, "Olivia! Oh my God…"

He leaned down to try and check her breathing and then he heard a snort, and a ripple of laughter, "You idiot…"

Elliot sat back and gasped, "Olivia…you just scared the shit out of me!"

She lifted some snow in her hand and tossed it at him, "You were supposed to protect me you jerk. You forget how to be a partner or something?"

He leaned over her, his hands braced on either side of her face, "Olivia…are you hurt?"

She smiled up at him, "Oh I'm gonna feel it in the morning but I'm fine…I promise."

He took a deep breath and stared at her softly, "You scared me Benson…don't do that." He paused, "Although…I'm kinda sad I don't get to perform mouth to mouth…"

Her cheeks flushed and she knew he was going to lean in to kiss her, "Elliot…"

He brushed a strand of hair out of her face, "Yeah?"

She bit down hard on her lip when she heard the snow crunching under her feet, "Noah…"

His eyes trailed over her face and he nodded, knowing she was right, "Yeah…you're right."

She smiled, shoved him back and he fell hard into the same pile of snow she had crashed into, "You should know by now…I'm always right."

He landed with a thud and sighed, "How could I forget?"

"I don't know." She said pushing herself up off the ground and brushing the snow off of her.

Noah reached them and yelled, "Mom! Are you okay?"

She looked at her son and smiled, "I'm fine kid. Just a bruised ego…"

Noah looked at Elliot, "What happened?"

Elliot smiled, "Overshot the landing. Sorry kid…can you forgive me?"

Noah looked at his Mom who was giving him a little smile, he shrugged, "I don't know…"

Elliot sighed and rested his hands on his knees, "Oh."

"You were supposed to protect her." He said sternly, "Isn't that what partners do?"

Elliot nodded slowly, "Yes…it is. But everyone makes mistakes. Right?" Noah nodded, "So…how can we get you to forgive me? Both of you…" He said looking between them.

Noah looked at his Mom, "What do you think? What should his punishment be?"

Olivia lifted her hand and tapped her chin, "Hm…we're gonna have to think this one through."

"We'll need a minute to consult." Noah said before looking at his Mom, "Come here Mom."

Elliot laughed as he watched them huddle together, "I'm gonna hate this aren't I?"

"Not our problem El." She said, shooting him a look, "Now shush, and take it like a man."

Elliot sighed and leaned back against the snow bank, "God help me…"

He sat there for a few moments hearing them whisper to each other. But he smiled, his eyes closed and he took in the moment. The laughter around him from others sledding, the feeling of the new fresh snowflakes falling on his skin. He felt the cold air, smelled the city in the winter and he realized how much he had missed it. Before he knew what was happening, he felt a snowball hit him square in the face. "What-"

Another snowball hit him hard and he sat up. Looking up, he saw Olivia and Noah making snowballs as fast as they could, throwing them right at him. "Get him!"

Elliot covered his face, as they continued to throw snowballs, "Is this my punishment?" He yelled.

"Yes!" Olivia and Noah yelled back at him; he fell to his side and tried to protect himself.

"More ammo Mom!" Noah yelled as he threw another snowball, "We need more ammo!"

"On it!" Olivia yelled as she started making more snowballs.

Elliot growled as they hit him with more, "Uncle! Uncle!" A snowball hit him in the face and he yelled, "I said UNCLE!"

Olivia and Noah laughed as they fell down beside him, "There…now we're even. Well…" Noah smirked, "You and I are anyway. You've got more groveling to do with her…" He stood up and grabbed his sled, "But you're off to a good start!"

Olivia laughed as she watched him run off, "Noah!" Elliot smiled after him, when Olivia turned to look at him she frowned, "Sorry…he's uh…not shy expressing his opinions."

"Gets that from his Mom too." He smiled and blushed a snowflake off of her nose, "I always liked that about you…"

She frowned and looked down at the snow between them, "El…he's just a little protective and if he ever says anything out of line please know you can-"

"He hasn't said anything out of line." She glanced back up at him, "Because he's right. I definitely still have a lot of groveling to do. Good thing I have a lot more planned…"

Her heart jumped in her chest and she smiled, "A lot more, huh?"

"Ten days…" He whispered, "Today's only day three so…"

"So…" She whispered and stood up, reaching for the sled, "So I better do this next run alone so you don't break my neck on the next one. Otherwise I'll miss it all."

Elliot watched her run towards her son and he felt so lucky to be here. To be able to share this with them. And while he had wanted to kiss her just now, he knew it wasn't time yet. But soon…hopefully very soon would be the right moment. He heard Noah calling out to him and he smiled, "Coming!"

When they were all done sledding and completely frozen, Elliot dragged them to a cafe nearby so they could get some hot chocolate and cookies. The three of them were sitting around a small table in the corner as Elliot told a story about their partnership.

"And after that…your Mom learned that Uncle Munch can talk for three hours straight about John F. Kennedy JR…" He said with a smirk.

Noah laughed, "Sometimes he talks so much I don't think he even breathes."

"He doesn't." Olivia said with a smile, "He definitely doesn't…"

"I can't believe I'm saying this…but I have missed his rants." Elliot said.

Noah smiled, "You haven't seen him in a long time either?"

Elliot shook his head and looked down at the hot chocolate in his hands, "No."

Noah stood up, "So maybe we should invite him over sometime soon…get the old gang back together again and all that."

Olivia looked at her son and laughed, "You're something else…you know that?"

"So they tell me." He shrugged, "I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"Okay." Olivia watched him go and then turned to look at Elliot, she saw a sadness wash over his face, "El…I meant it when I said if he ever crosses any lines that you can-"

"He didn't." Elliot said quickly, "I was just thinking…that I have a lot of people I want to make amends with. And that whole time thing…it goes quicker and quicker by the day."

"Yeah. I get that." She whispered, "But you've seen Cragen and you've seen Fin…John should be the least scary out of them. Maybe we should all get dinner sometime. It could be fun…"

Elliot smiled nervously, "Yeah for you guys…I'll be a nervous wreck."

Olivia leaned in and placed her hand over his arm, "I'll be with you the whole time."

He smiled and covered her hand with his, "You gonna protect me partner?"

She shrugged as his fingers ran across the top of her hand, "About as well as you protected me on that hill…sure."

Elliot laughed, "Great. So I'm screwed." She laughed and he sighed, "But yeah…maybe a dinner soon would be a good idea. Or something…"

"Great. We don't have to decide now." She shrugged, "One step at a time, right?"

The same words she'd said to him in his car that day and he nodded, "Yeah…one step at a time." He moved his hand as he felt her pulling her hand back, "But…about that next step…" She looked at him strangely and he smiled, "Can I come over and make brunch for you and Noah tomorrow?"

She leaned back in her seat, her finger ran along the rim of her mug, "Brunch?" He nodded, "You're gonna cook?"

He smiled, "I might be able to surprise you with my cooking skills Benson…"

Leaning against the table she smiled, "Oh you've been full of surprises lately Stabler…"

"So? Is that a yes?" He asked hopefully, "Can I come over and make brunch?"

She saw Noah coming back out of the corner of her eye, "Yeah…that's a yes."

Elliot let out a little breath and nodded, "Great."

Lifting her mug she held it towards him, "Great."

As they walked to their cars, Noah climbed in first and started fiddling with the radio station after he said thank you to Elliot. When it was just the two of them standing outside, Olivia smiled, "Today was great. Noah had a blast." Leaning against the car she whispered, "So did I…"

"I'm glad. I had a great time too." He whispered, "The best time actually…"

Reaching for the door handle she whispered, "So…we agreed on eleven tomorrow?"

"I'll be there." He said quickly, "I'm looking forward to it…"

She pulled the door open slowly, "Alright, well I should-"

"Wait." He said holding his hand out, "I still have to give you your gift."

She sighed and looked right at him, "El…I don't need gifts. Today was a gift in it's own. Hanging out with you and Noah…" She shrugged, before answering honestly, "It's all I ever wanted."

Elliot's heart squeezed in his chest and he smiled, "Me too. But…the gifts have been piling up for years. It's time they go to their rightful owner. Plus…I still have that groveling to do that Noah mentioned." She laughed, "Stay there for a minute…"

Noah leaned between the front seats, "What's he doing?"

"Getting me a gift." She said looking back at him, "He'll be right back."

"See…he's taking my advice about the groveling thing. That's good." He said, "What do you think it is?"

She looked at him and laughed, "I have no idea…"

Elliot walked up to them again and held out the wrapped gift, "Give number three."

Olivia took the thin package and frowned, "El I really do feel-" He gave her an exasperated look and she laughed, "Okay, okay." She looked down at the package, "Should I open it now or-"

"Yes." Noah and Elliot said together, they looked back and Noah smiled, "Well I wanna know what it is too!"

Olivia smiled and pulled at the wrapping paper, "Okay then…"

Elliot's heart was pounding in his chest as he watched her, "I uh…I saw it and knew you had to have it."

When she pushed the last of the wrapping paper away she gasped, "Elliot…" She found an original and signed copy of her favorite album 'Blue' by Joni Mitchell, "How did you even remem-"

"How many times did you make me listen to this album when it was your turn to pick the music? I know it all by heart." He said with a smile.

She traced her fingers over the signature, "I can't believe…"

"It's a little worn…a few million listens from others and from…" She looked up at him, "Me…"

She felt tears in her eyes, "Elliot…"

"Track number three on the B side is my favorite…" He whispered, "Just for reference…"

She knew exactly what song he was talking about, "Elliot I love this. Thank you…"

"No problem." He whispered before stepping back, "See you tomorrow?"

She bit her lip and whispered, "See you tomorrow…"

That night, Olivia had put Noah to bed just as she always did. She sat down on the edge of the bed and looked down at him, "So…you had a good day?"

"A great day." Noah said pulling the blankets up around himself, "It was awesome. I am glad that you aren't hurt though…that was quite a fall."

Olivia laughed, "Well that snow bank cushioned the blow. I'm good…"

"That's good." He smiled, "You had fun too?" Olivia nodded, "Like the most fun ever?"

Olivia laughed and leaned down to kiss him, "Like one of my top ten days for sure…"

"So does that mean we can have more days like that with Elliot?" He asked hopefully.

Olivia smiled, "Well…he's coming over tomorrow for brunch so yeah I guess so."

"You know what I want for Christmas? Like what I really want?" He asked.

Olivia frowned, "You said you wanted that robot we saw at the toy store…"

Noah nodded, "Yeah, that would be nice. But…what I really want is for you to be happy. And you smile a lot when Elliot is around…"

Olivia leaned closer to him, "You make me happy kid…you know that right?"

Noah smiled, "I know Mom. But…Other people can make you happy too. So…just remember that. And remember that I said it's okay if it's not just Team Mom and Noah anymore." He shrugged, "I mean I think deep down we'll always have that…but we could be stronger as a bigger team, don't you think?"

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat, "I think…you are the sweetest boy in the world Noah. And I feel incredibly lucky to be your Mom." Leaning down she kissed him, "And I think that you need to go to bed."

"Mom…" She laughed as she stood up, "Just…think about it?"

Olivia stepped back towards the door, "Goodnight Noah…"

Once she got out to the living room, she started to clean up the living room. A slow song played on the radio and she smiled when she remembered the gift Elliot had given her. Walking towards the door, she grabbed the record and placed it on the record player in the corner, starting with side two. The first two songs played as she cleaned up the rest of the living room. But as the third song on the album began to play, she stopped, and felt the emotion coursing through her.

It's coming on Christmas

They're cutting down trees

They're putting up reindeer

And singing songs of joy and peace

Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on

Reaching for the blanket on the back of the couch, she sat down and curled up in front of the tree. This song had always made her emotional, but tonight it seemed to take on a whole new meaning. She thought about Elliot all the way in Italy listening to this very song and her heart ached for him. She'd always pictured him so far away living his life, not missing her at all. But now she knew…he had missed her just as much as she had missed him. But it don't snow here

It stays pretty green

I'm gonna make a lot of money

Then I'm gonna quit this crazy scene

I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

Reaching out to the coffee table, she lifted the album sleeve and ran her fingers along the signature again. She'd listened to this album so many times in her life, more times than she could even begin to think about. But it felt like she was listening to it for the first time in her life…As she titled the album, something fell out of it and her breath caught in her throat when she saw that it was another handwritten note from him.

He tried hard to help me

You know, he put me at ease

And he loved me so naughty

Made me weak in the knees

Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on

Liv,
I hope this album still works by the time you listen to it. I'm afraid I've worn it out. Especially track three. I can't tell you how many times in the last ten years I've wanted to just come find you. To tell you everything. I wish I could have told you back then, I wish I could have given you what you deserve. I know I can't change the past, but I hope more than anything I can prove to you that our future can be great. I know it can.

I know when I said it before, it was bad timing. Me and that timing again…but I meant it.

I love you Olivia. I've loved you for two decades and I know now that it's never going to go away. So when and if you're ready…you let me know. And I'll be right here no matter what you decide.

Love,
El

I'm so hard to handle

I'm sеlfish and I'm sad

Now I've gone and lost the bеst baby

That I ever had

Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I made my baby say goodbye

Reaching for her phone, she flipped through photos from the day and landed on the one of the three of them she loved best. Wiping at her tears, she opened a new text message and sent it to Elliot with a caption.

Taking a deep breath, she leaned against the pillows and smiled as the song finished. "You're in so much trouble Benson…" She whispered, and then she squeezed a pillow against her chest feeling the butterflies in her belly, "So. Much. Damn. Trouble…"

It's coming on Christmas

They're cutting down trees

They're putting up reindeer

And singing songs of joy and peace

I wish I had a river I could skate away on…

At his own apartment, Elliot was cleaning up the dishes from dinner thinking about the day he'd had. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had that amount of fun or when he felt that free. He just hoped he could have more of them…

As he finished the last dish, he heard his phone ping and he reached for a towel to dry his hands. Reaching for his phone, he leaned against the sink and opened the text message. First he saw the caption.

Best day with my two favorite guys. Thanks for everything El.

And then he saw the picture. The one Noah had begged them to pose for. The three of them standing there, Noah in front of them, the biggest smile on his face. Olivia was smiling at Noah and Elliot…well Elliot was smiling at both of them feeling like the luckiest man in the world. And he knew he was…

"Hm…" He heard behind him, he turned to see his Mom, "That's a keeper…would look good on your desk."

Elliot turned to look at her, "Yeah…it would."

Leaning against him, she touched his shoulder, "How you doing Elliot?"

Looking down at the photo again Elliot smiled, answering honestly, "Better Ma. Much better…"

She squeezed him tight, "You look happy…"

"I am happy." He said, dropping a kiss to her forehead, "And I hope it stays that way…"

She smiled and pulled back, "Just keep doing what you're doing…you're on the right track."

He watched her walk away and he smiled, "I sure hope so…"