A/N - This is a particularly emotional chapter and contains trigger warnings for the Lewis Arc. Just putting that out there for all you lovely readers. Thank you.

Song featured "Winter Song" by Sara Barellies and Ingrid Michaelson.

I own nothing.

Something else featured as well but I will not give it away here. ;)

This one's for you Shelby! I am so proud of you!

Wednesday December 22, 2021

She wished she could have fallen asleep easily after Elliot left, but that wasn't going to happen and somehow she had been prepared. Or so she had thought. The little she did sleep was wracked with nightmares. Nightmares she'd tried so desperately to keep away for years. Over and she saw him, felt him, felt his hands on her, felt the heated metal pressed against her skin, and those scars that were old felt new again. By six in the morning, she knew that today was not going to be a good day.

Jumping up in bed, sweat poured down her back and she pressed her hand into her mouth to keep from screaming. She didn't want to wake up Noah. Nausea rolled through her stomach and she quickly threw back the covers and stumbled towards the bathroom. Collapsing on the floor, she bent over the toilet and felt the bile burning in her throat. Her body shook and her mind was swirling.

She hated this. She hated this more than anything. She wished more than anything that she could just put it behind her. And most days she could. Today was one of those days that the demons were too strong and were pulling her down into a tailspin. She groaned, lifted herself up and splashed some water on her face and brushed her teeth. She was still shaking as she walked into her room and when she sat on her bed she knew today was going to be a bad day. The kind of day where she couldn't smile and grin and bear it and pretend that her world wasn't crumbling on the inside.

With a heavy sigh, she reached for her phone on the nightstand and dialed Fin's number. It took him a moment but he answered with a sleep filled voice, "Morning Cap. We catch something?"

She pressed a hand to her forehead and tried to push down the second wave of nausea pulling at her stomach, "Hey…no. I uh…" Her voice cracked and she cringed, "I need you to do something for me."

She heard Fin moving on the other end of the phone and she knew that he knew something was wrong, "Liv…what's going on? Talk to me."

"Nothing." She lied, knowing damn well he wouldn't believe her, "I just woke up with a killer migraine." She tried to laugh, "Maybe I drank too much wine last night." She tried to tease, "Either way…not sure I'm gonna be able to make it in today. Can you run things for me?"

She heard him sigh on the other side of the phone and she waited with baited breath for the fall out, "Yeah of course…but Liv-"

"I swear Fin." She mumbled quickly, "Just a migraine…you know I get them sometimes. Usually I can shake it but I think I'm just exhausted…things have been so hectic lately and-"

"You've had a lot going on." He whispered, "And I know that it's been hard. And if this is about yester-"

"It's not." She grumbled quickly, "I'm just tired and I need a break today, okay? We have that stupid gala tomoreow that I have to show up at and Christmas after that. I want to be put together for my kid. That's it…okay?"

He sighed heavily again but then whispered, "Yeah…alright. I got everything covered at work. Can I do anything else?

Suddenly she could hear Noah rummaging around in his room and the tears threatened to fall, "Can uh…you or Amanda pick Noah up from school? Maybe have him stay with you? I think I just need to sleep this off…I'll pack a bag for him and send it with him and-"

"We got you covered." He whispered, "Get some rest…but Liv?" She bit down hard on her lip knowing what was coming next, "You call me if you need me. And I'm going to check on you if you don't…"

"Yeah. I know." She whimpered, "I know…thanks Fin."

And then she hung up.

Sitting up slowly, she tried to breathe, not wanting to upset Noah when he saw her. She'd tell him she had to work overnight and hopefully he didn't question her. Standing up, she walked towards the door, glancing at herself through the mirror first to check her appearance. Then she walked out of her room and into the living room, "Noah?"

"I'm up Mom. Gonna take a shower. Can we get bagels for breakfast?" He asked.

Olivia pressed a hand to her chest, trying to breathe, "Uh…I think we have some. Listen buddy…"

He came out of his room and smiled at her, "What are we doing with Elliot tonight?"

Her heart jumped in her chest and she frowned, "We aren't honey…I uh-I'm gonna have to work tonight."

Noah fidgeted nervously and looked up at his Mother, "Oh. You caught a case?"

She cleared her throat, "I have to do somethings before the Holiday for trials after the New Year and I'm gonna be there pretty late. You're gonna stay with Uncle Fin or Aunt Amanda okay?"

"Why can't I stay with Elliot again?" He asked softly, "He didn't mind last time."

She swallowed the lump in her throat she said, "Because…he has other things he needs to do." Noah gave her a look, "Noah, look, I'm sorry. I know you hate when this happens…and it's so close to Christmas but I just need to get some stuff done and then we'll spend Christmas together, okay?"

Noah leaned against the wall, "Just us? Or with Elliot and his family?"

"I don't know." She said rubbing the back of her neck, "I haven't gotten that far honey. And it may be hard for them…their first Christmas without their Mom. We need-"

"Kathleen told me she wants us to come." Noah said quickly, "Dickie did too. How come you haven't asked Elliot yet?"

"It just hasn't come up." She said quickly, starting to lose control a bit, "You need to get ready for school. And I need to go to work…"

Noah stared at her and then asked, "Mom?" She held her breath and he asked, "Are you okay?"

She swallowed hard and nodded and walked towards his room, "Yeah. Of course. I'm fine Noah…go take a shower and I'll pack your bag okay?" She could feel him still watching her, so she turned and smiled at him, "I'm good baby. I promise. Everything is fine."

He turned slowly and walked towards the bathroom and she was pretty sure he didn't believe her. But right now, she just needed to get him out of the house before she completely fell apart.

Later that afternoon, Elliot was at work trying to focus on the task that Ayanna had given him. But every so often his eyes turned to his phone. He'd sent Olivia a number of text messages today and hadn't heard back from her once. He knew she was busy, but things seemed good last night and he was worried that something was wrong. He knew she had had some moments last night when she was struggling, but he had hoped that he had gotten through to her.

Picking up his phone, the contemplated texting and then gave up and decided to just call. His fingers drummed on the desk as he held the phone to his ear, "Hey…uh. It's me? I'm sure you're busy being a Captain and all that and don't need me checking in. But um…I hadn't heard from you and I just wanted…" He looked over and saw Jet watching him, he cleared his throat and stood up walking to the other side of the room, "I wanted to check in. See if you had anytime today…I know it can be crazy before the Holiday so you know…I get it but. I do still have another gift and I was hoping…" He sighed, feeling a nagging feeling pulling at his chest, "Just uh…call when you get a chance? Or send a text. Let me know you're okay at least? Don't put it past me to just show up…you know how stubborn I am. So…yeah. Just…just let me know if you wanna meet up later okay? I uh…I had fun last night. And so did my Mom and Eli…I hope you and Noah did too." He took a deep breath and whispered, "Alright…Bye Liv."

Dropping his phone down, Elliot looked out the window and saw that the sky was filled with dark clouds. There had been so much bright snow covering the ground over the last week, adding to the magic of it all. But he wondered if a storm was brewing, in more ways than one. That worry in his chest continued to pull at his heart and his mind and deep down he felt like something was wrong.

As if on cue, Bell walked up to him, "There is someone here to see you…"

Elliot sighed and shoved his phone in his pocket, "Who?"

Ayanna looked back towards her office, "Fin. And he looks about as worried as you do…" Turning back to him she frowned, "Is everything okay?"

Elliot frowned and followed her gaze, "I don't think so…"

Ayanna reached out for his arm, "Do whatever you need to do…we're good here."

Elliot smiled and whispered, "Thank you."

He moved towards her office with that familiar feeling of dread. He felt like he'd been living off that feeling lately. But he was hoping in the last few days that it had been getting better. Opening the door, he walked into the office and Fin immediately turned to him, "Fin…hi."

Fin sighed and turned towards him, "Hey…sorry to bother you at work."

Elliot shook his head, "No it's fine…" He ran his sweaty nervous palms against his sides and said, "Is uh…is everything okay?" Fin didn't answer and Elliot swallowed hard, "Olivia? What's wrong with Olivia?"

Fin leaned against Bell's desk, "How did she seem last night? I know you were at her place…"

"She…" He walked into the room and sat down, "She seemed okay? I mean…we had a few moments there when she was hesitant but I thought that was to be expected. But I haven't heard from her today…and I've called and texted."

Fin frowned and rubbed a hand over his face, "Look, she's probably gonna kick my ass for even being here but as her second in command and her best friend…I didn't think I had a choice."

"Fin what the hell is going on? You're scaring me." He whispered.

Fin shifted nervously and then walked towards him, "How much did she uh…how much did she tell you about Lewis?"

Elliot tensed and sat back in his chair as Fin sat down beside him, "Just what she was comfortable with, which wasn't much. I read more…but not everything I don't think. It got hard to process it all."

"Yeah." Fin said with a nod, "I can understand that…it was hard to process it all while it was happening."

"I should have…" Elliot's foot started tapping, "Fuck I should have…"

"I didn't come here to argue with you about that." Fin said, holding his hand up, "You two have a complicated past. There's a lot that goes into it…but as someone who was here beside her during it…I'm gonna be tough on you for a second. Okay?"

Elliot sat back in his chair and nodded, "Okay…"

"Olivia is the strongest person I know. Man or woman. She never lets the world see her fall apart…so when she does, it's a big deal. And I was there when it all came crashing down. I was there when she shattered and it broke my heart to watch." Fin said honestly, "It broke all of our hearts." His voice cracked as he looked down, "But…in typical Olivia Benson fashion…she picked herself up off the ground and got back to work. And she smiled and she worked harder than ever. But I would be lying to you if I said it didn't change her…or that the light didn't leave her eyes a little…she's different. Always will be."

Elliot licked his lips nervously, "Fin…what is going on?"

He frowned, "Every once and awhile…she has a dark day. She gets sucked into the memories…and I think you of all people can understand that."

Elliot looked down, and when he closed his eyes he saw a flash of fire from the night of the explosion and he nodded, "Yeah…I can understand that."

"When that happens she pulls away. And I try to give her space…but I think you being back…and this new dynamic in your relationship…it's made it a little harder for her." He whispered.

Elliot sighed, "I mean I've tried to be there…but I don't want her to talk about it if she isn't ready."

"I'm not sure she'll ever be fully ready." Fin said with a shrug, "Some things stay with you forever. No matter how hard you try to push them away. Some things scar you…not just emotionally…but physically."

And then he seemed to understand, "Oh." He sat back again and frowned, "Oh…Fin I-"

"She's scared." Fin whispered, "She's scared of what you will think…and how they make her feel. I know that it's been a difficult thing for her in the past…in terms of being intimate with someone." He fidgeted nervously, "I may tease the hell out of you two. It's just my right as a spectator of this relationship for so many damn years…" Elliot smiled nervously, "And I'm a little uncomfortable because she's like my little sister…but this is gonna be a lot for her. And I came here because I'm worried. Really worried about her…and I'd go over but I think that right now she needs you to be the one to be there for her."

Elliot swallowed hard, "What if she doesn't want me to be there?"

"I'm not gonna lie to you. She's probably gonna be pissed when you show up." Fin shrugged, "But I guess this is the point that you have to decide how much you actually love her."

Elliot narrowed his eyes at him, "Fin I love her more than-"

"I know." Fin said softly, "But now you have to prove it…even when she tries to push you away. Because she will…and she's probably going to say a lot of things she's been holding in because she was trying to be supportive. But you fucked up Elliot." Elliot fidgeted nervously, "I know…I know it was complicated. And I know I called you to come here…we could have a whole conversation about how guilty I feel over that. But right now I'm telling you that after ten years…you're gonna have to man up and show her that you're here for the good, the bad, and the days she wants to hide away forever. So…what are you going to do about it?"

Elliot listened to his words, and he heard him. Really heard him and as hard as it was, he knew he was right. He'd done a lot in the last few days to show her how he felt, but there were still things that needed to be said. Things that she needed to say, to get off her chest. And it was going to hurt like hell to hear it. But if there was any way to make this work…he was gonna have to take it no matter what she threw at him and once and for all make her see that he wasn't going anywhere.

Elliot stood up, and looked down at his friend, "I don't want to scare her…"

Fin nodded, "I know. But she's not going to let you in on her own…you still have the key from when you took care of Noah?"

Elliot nodded, "I do…"

Standing up in front of him he shrugged, "So…go in cautiously. Be calm. Patient…and let her come to you. That's the only way this is gonna work. And if you think I need to come over…I will. Just call me." He reached out and squeezed his arm, "But this time I think it needs to be you…"

Elliot looked him up and down and whispered, "Thank you…for being there for her when I wasn't. She's damn lucky to have you."

Fin nodded, "And I'm damn lucky to have her…" He walked towards the door and whispered, "I'm trusting you…don't let me down."

Elliot smiled and shook his head, "I won't."

Standing outside her apartment, he was nervous. Very nervous. He'd tried to call a few times but she still wasn't answering. It was quiet in her apartment, eerily quiet and the worry began to spread. What if she was hurt or sick? Or what if she was so far gone into a memory that she couldn't get back out? He knew that she may freak out if he came in but he'd tried knocking and she wasn't going to let him in. And one way or another, he had to see if she was okay.

He slowly turned the key in the door and pushed it open. It was raining hard outside and he could hear it pounding on the window. There was no movement inside, no sign that anyone was even home. But she had to be here, or at least he hoped she was. As quietly as possible, he walked in and glanced around. Everything looked as it had when he left the night before. Walking further into the apartment, he looked around, "Liv?"

He spoke softly, maybe too softly and he sighed kicking off his shoes to not track mud into her house, "Olivia?"

He waited a moment but still nothing, until he heard the slamming of a drawer. It sounded like it was coming from her bedroom. He heard more sounds, and then what he thought was crying and his heart started beating faster, "Liv? It's Elliot…" He reached for the door knob but froze, "Olivia…can you open the door?"

He heard her mumble something under her breath, and what sounded like a click and his heart jumped in his chest, "Olivia, open the door."

It whipped open and he looked down, seeing her gun at her side, "What the hell do you think you're doing breaking into my apartment? I thought…" She looked down at her hand and saw that it was shaking, "You're such an idiot Elliot Stabler…"

Carefully, he reached out but she flinched, "I knocked…and I called but you weren't answering. So I used the key that you gave me the other day when I came to pick up Noah."

She followed his gaze to the gun again, "Yeah well…you almost got shot."

He tried to offer her a genuine smile, "Wouldn't be the first time…" She didn't move and he frowned, "Liv? Can you put the gun down…"

Her hand shook but she pulled it back and put the safety back on, "Go home Elliot."

He sighed, he could already tell her walls were way up and it was going to be hell trying to break them down, "Olivia…you weren't answering your phone and Fin and I-"

"Oh so now you're talking to my Sergeant about me?" She growled, placing her gun back in it's locked box, "Lovely…"

"Fin and I both care about you." He whispered, "And he wanted to make sure-"

"What's a girl gotta do to be left alone?" She spat at him.

"Like I said, we were worried. You weren't answering and so I didn't think I had a choice but-"

As soon as she looked back at him, he knew what was coming next, "Hm, real bitch when your partner ghosts you isn't it Elliot? Afraid I was gonna do it for ten years?" She glared at him, "I'm not that cruel."

Slipping his keys into his pocket he frowned, "I deserved that…"

She snorted softly and walked out of her bedroom, "Yeah. You really fucking did."

He turned, his eyes watching her move towards the kitchen, "Okay…" He saw her reach for a glass, but her hands were still shaking, something he recognized because his own hands did the same thing when he was having an episode, "Can I get that for you?"

She turned the water on and growled, "I'm perfectly capable of-"

"I know you are." He walked closer to her and saw the water sloshing about as she tried to remain calm, "Liv, I know you are. But it's okay to ask for he-"

"I don't want your help!" She screamed suddenly, and she moved before he had the change to process what was happening, the glass suddenly hurling across the kitchen, shattering as it fell to the floor.

He stepped back and put his hands up, "Okay…alright…Olivia-"

"I don't want your damn help!" She screamed as the tears streamed down her face, "I want you to leave me alone like you did for ten fucking years!"

Leaning back against the counter he nodded, "I hear you. But…I think-"

"Elliot…for fuck sake." She moved away from him and began pacing in the living room, "You can't just…you can't do this!"

Rubbing the back of his neck, he nodded, "If you want to yell at me, go ahead. Lord knows I deserve it." Her hands clenched and unclenched at her sides, "And if you wanna hit me…I'd understand that too. You can say whatever you want to say, don't hold back. But I want you to know that when you're done…I'm still going to be standing righthere."

Her heart felt like it was going to burst from her chest as she whipped around to look at him, "You…you show up here after ten years Elliot! Ten years with that stupid smirk on your face thinking I won't be pissed? That I won't be hurt? And you try and spend ten days to confuse me and make me think that you actually love me-"

He took a tentative step towards her, "I do love you."

She ignored him and kept going, "Just because you bought me a Christmas Tree and you took me ice skating and you charmed my son doesn't make what you did okay."

Shoving his hands in his pockets he nodded slowly, "You're right."

Tears streamed down her face as she spoke, "And I'm not the same person I was when you left! I wasn't just sitting here waiting for you to come back. I was living my life! Trying to survive every freaking minute and just because you bought me some gifts…" Her voice cracked again, "It doesn't change the fact that you weren't there when I needed you the most."

The pain in her voice cut through him like a knife and he knew this was that moment that Fin had been talking about. He could either run from this, from his guilt and his fear, or he could man up and let her unleash all her hurt, all the hurt that he and so many others had caused. And he could finally, maybe finally break down her walls. "No. I wasn't. And I will never be able to make up for that. Not fully. And I'll never forgive myself for it. But Olivia…" He took another nervous step towards her, "I'm not leaving you again."

Standing up a little straighter, she still felt anger and fear pulling at her so she tugged on her sweatshirt and let her fear speak, "Yeah? Proveit."

Before he could stop her, she turned, and walked back to her bedroom, slamming the door shut and locking it. A sure fire signal that she didn't want him to follow her. But if she wanted him to prove how serious he was…then he could do that. And he would do that…whether she expected him to or not.

And so he sat. And he waited. And he knew…he'd wait ten years if that's what it took.

Olivia woke up with even more of a headache than she had before. Her throat was burning and she knew she needed to drink something. Then she remembered the shattered glass in the kitchen. Sighing, she rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. Her heart was pounding and she knew that the dreams were going to keep plaguing her today, no matter what. Sitting up, she rubbed at her eyes and tried to look over at the clock. She didn't remember when she'd come in here, didn't know how long she'd been out.

But it didn't matter. There was no way that he was still here. So it would be safe to go back to the kitchen and get a new glass of water. Her legs shook as she walked and she felt weak. She hated that feeling. She needed to eat but she didn't think she had anything in the fridge. She froze when she remembered she had leftovers from last night. The dinner that Elliot cooked for her, Noah, Eli and his Mother.

Damn him, she thought.

Running a hand through her tangled hair, she stumbled towards the door and walked out into the living room. She took three steps before she heard a sound in the kitchen and she froze. Looking up, her breath caught in her throat when she saw him. He was kneeling on the floor sweeping up the broken glass. As soon as he looked up at her, the dam broke. Her knees shook and she felt herself falling but he took three quick steps and quickly enveloped her from behind, "Olivia…"

She clung to his arms but at the same time tried to push him away, "Let me go Elliot…"

"No." He whispered, tightening his hold on her, "Liv…I'm right here. Alright? I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere no matter what you say or do."

She bent forward slightly as the sobs pulled at her chest, "I want it to stop hurting…I just want it to stop hurting…"

He lowered them all the way to the ground, kneeling behind her but never loosening his hold on her, "I know. I know. Let it out…I've got you."

"I needed you." She sobbed against him as he rocked her back and forth, "Damn it Elliot I needed you."

Tears filled his own eyes and he pressed his lips to her temple, "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Olivia…I know that's not good enough and it never will be…"

Her fingers clamped down around his arms and she whimpered, "Please just make it stop…please."

Running his hands through her hair, he adjusted her so she curled into his chest, "Talk to me."

"I can't." She whispered, "I can't talk about it. I can't talk about him."

He adjusted his position on the floor and she settled in between his legs, the full weight of her exhausted body pressed against him. But he held on tonight, knowing she needed him right now, "Liv, you've been my rock. And you've made me face all the hard stuff even when I didn't want to. And you know that I know how hard it is to talk…but sometimes you have too. It's the only way to work through it."

They sat there quietly for a few minutes, and she focussed on nothing but the sound of the rain on the window and the beating of his heart, "Why didn't you leave? I told you to leave."

"I know you did." He whispered, "But I told you that I'm not going anywhere…" She shifted just enough to look at him, "And whether you believe that or not…I mean it."

She groaned and looked down at his chest, "I'm a fucking mess."

"Yeah well…I showed up at your door drugged out of my mind. So I think I take the prize on that one." He whispered softly. She cringed and moved to sit up and he suddenly knew he had said something wrong, "Liv-"

She wiped a tired hand over her face and looked back at him, "Can I be really honest with you for a second?"

He shifted his legs and nodded, "Brutally."

"That night…" She turned and faced him, crossing her legs in front of her, "You showing up like that…while Noah was sleeping…that was really scary for me." She looked up at him, needing him to hear her, "Terrifying actually…this is my home. My safe space…but…" She looked down at her lap suddenly anxious, "Lewis invaded that space before…and you showing up out of the blue here brought a lot of anxiety up for me."

Chewing hard on his lip, he let her confession wash over him and he tried to put himself in her shoes. He hadn't known everything about Lewis that night, but it didn't matter. Showing up the way he had, had been reckless. And while he could blame it on the fact that he was drugged, and he was scared, she had deserved better. She had always deserved better, "I…I didn't even think about that, Liv, and I should have. I'm so sorry…I never want you to be afraid of me."

"You kept asking me if you could stay and there was part of me that wanted to say yes…because I was worried. But everything was such a blur and everything you said about the letter…and how I was feeling…" She wiped at her tears, "I knew I was going to break down and you were already falling apart. So I called…"

"Bell…" She nodded, "I don't even remember her coming here…"

"Yeah well…" She whispered sadly, "You were pretty messed up that night. I'm surprised you remember anything at all."

Another moment of silence washed over them before he whispered, "I'm sorry that I made you feel unsafe in your own home. And I will make sure I never do that again…I promise Liv." She just stared at him and he frowned, "I know I've said that phrase a lot lately…and I'm not sure my words have a lot of merit anymore. But I'll do everything I can to prove it to you…no matter how long it takes."

Taking a shaky breath, she tried to lift herself up off the ground but she still felt weak. But he was there, reaching for her, carefully, he pulled her up off the ground and they walked towards the couch. "Thanks…" She whispered, her cheeks flushed and then she looked at him wearily, "Can…can I have a glass of water? I know I said I didn't want your help but-"

He squeezed her shoulder, "Take a minute. I'll be right back."

She listened as he moved throughout the kitchen, focussed on the running water. Her eyes narrowed in on the Christmas lights that illuminated the tree. He must have turned it on while he had been waiting for her. She'd been so sure that he would be gone when she opened the door. She expected it. But to have him here, just like he had said, meant more to her than she could put into words. She felt the dip of the couch as he sat down beside her, "Here…got you some tylenol too. Your head must be hurting…"

She nodded and took it from him, "Thank you…"

He settled into the corner of the couch and nodded, "No need to thank me." She opened her mouth and he smiled "No need to apologize either. I deserved everything you said and then some…"

Taking a long gulp, she placed the glass down and curled up against the couch, "I feel like someone ran me over with a squad car…"

He laughed and kept his eyes trained on her as he reached for a blanket on the back of the couch and placed it over her, "I know the feeling well…"

She tugged at the loose strings of the blanket and whispered, "So…Fin called you?"

"Came by the office actually." He shrugged, "Like I said…we were both worried."

"He always knows." She whispered, "Always…even when I tell him I'm fine. He knows when I'm lying."

"He's a good friend." He whispered, "And he wants you to be happy…just like I do. No matter what that means. It's your choice…"

She knew deep down he was telling her that if she chose to not pursue whatever this was, he'd still support her. And maybe that would be safer, maybe that was the smart choice. But here beside him, she wanted this. She wanted him to be here on her dark days, even though it scared the hell out of her. Yet at the same time, she felt such comfort in his presence. "I want to be happy…" She whispered, "It's just…there are things…"

He nodded, "I know. I get it. You know I do…I've got my own demons Liv. Everyone does."

Pulling at the strings of her blanket she whispered, "How much did you read?"

He cleared his throat and took a deep breath, "A lot…but not everything. Selfishly…it was too hard to finish."

"No. I don't want you to read it all." She said with a shake of her head, "I've never even read the whole damn thing. And there are things that I'm sure I've blocked out…"

He shifted nervously, "You said that he didn't…I mean but-"

"He didn't." She said quickly, "He didn't rape me. But God knows he tried…and he assaulted me." She shivered remembering the feel of his rough hands on her, "He…uh…" Her voice started to shake and she felt the panic building, "He…"

He moved closer to her, but she flinched and he put his hands up, "Take a breath Liv…you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's alright."

"But I think…I think I do." She whispered, "If we're…if this…" She gestured between them, "There are things you need to know…"

"Okay…" He whispered, "But it doesn't have to be tonight if you're not ready."

She smiled sadly and wiped a tear out of the corner of her eye, "I'm not sure I'll ever be ready…" She looked at him and sighed, "El…I lied to you yesterday." He gave her a confused look, "I mean…not really…I don't know. I guess I was being evasive as Noah called it." She said with a nervous laugh, "You asked if I was uncomfortable…and the truth is that I was."

He nodded slowly, "Okay…well can you tell me what I did that made you feel that way? So that I don't do it again…"

She frowned sadly, "That's the thing…it's inevitable. And it's something I need to work through." He looked confused and she didn't blame him, "The flirting…it made me nervous."

He chewed on his lower lip and thought back to the conversation he had had with Fin earlier. The conversation about scars, "Olivia…"

She shook her head, "Just let me talk because I'm afraid I won't get it out. And I need to…it's eating me up." He nodded slowly and leaned back, "You and I have always flirted…but there was a line we didn't cross. Or at least we tried not too. But lately it's been different and it's not that I don't like it…it's exciting and new and makes me feel things that I haven't felt in a long time. But…" Her voice cracked and she pulled her legs up beside her, "But when I say that I was changed that day…I don't just mean emotionally." She pressed a hand to her chest, quite sure that her heart was going to burst from her chest, "El he tortured me…and I have the scars to prove it. And I hate them. And I'm so fucking scared for you to see them…that yesterday I started panicking. I've been so wrapped up in all of this, the feelings, how happy you've been making me that I forgot about them for a bit. But then it all came at me at once and I kept thinking…he's going to run. This is too heavy. This is too much…to ugly and he won't-"

"Olivia." The way he said her name told her that he was crying and it took her a moment before she looked up at him, "There is nothing you could say, do or show me that would make me run. That would make me not want you."

She shook her head, tears streaming down her face, "You don't know that…you haven't seen it. I can barely look at it. And after twenty years of wanting you…to know that this is how you'll see me? Elliot…I don't know if I can handle it."

Very slowly, he moved towards her and put his hand out, "Can I?" She hesitated for only a moment, then nodded and he tangled his fingers with hers, "Do you know what I thought the first time I saw you?"

Her heart started beating faster, but this time not out of fear, "Oh great they're sticking me with a woman for a partner?"

He laughed and squeezed her hand, reaching his other hand he wiped at her tears and she leaned into his touch, "No. I thought…" His fingers trailed down the side of her cheek and tilted her chin up to look at her, "She has to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen."

She closed her eyes, "That was a long time ago Elliot…I'm not that girl anymore."

"Do you know what I thought when I saw you for the first time again last year?" Her eyes fluttered open and he moved on, "She's even more beautiful than I remember…and I still think that. I've always thought that and I always will."

She squeezed his hand, "They don't make me feel beautiful Elliot…they make me feel hideous."

"In my opinion…scars show someone's strength. And you Olivia Benson…" He squeezed her hand again, "You are the strongest person that I know. Always have been."

She sighed and looked at him, "I'm afraid that…that I'll panic if we try and…and that you won't be able to wait or handle it and-"

"I told you before and I'll say it again. I'm right here." He said with a shrug, "I can wait. And we can work through it when and if we cross that bridge…I'll do whatever makes you feel comfortable." He leaned closer and she didn't pull away, "Is it going to hurt like hell? Yeah. But not because I'm ashamed of them…but because I hate that someone hurt you. That I couldn't, that I didn't stop it from happening. But that's my problem…not yours."

She whimpered softly and leaned closer, "El…"

"I've got you." He whispered, wrapping his arms around her, "I've got you Liv. It's alright…"

She fell into his embrace once more and for once felt like maybe even on this dark day, it would be okay after all.

Another hour passed and they still sat tangled up in each other's embrace on the couch. She cried some more, told him things she'd kept bottled up and he listened, letting her set the pace. And all the while he sat there, holding her, running his hands through her hair, whispering words of comfort when needed but allowing her to take what she needed from him. After a while, she sighed and shifted in his arms, "You probably have to go…"

Elliot shook his head, "I already called my Mom and Eli. They're fine. Kathleen is with them. And while you were sleeping I checked in with Fin. Noah's all settled. He thinks you're working. I'm all yours tonight Benson…" He saw her cheeks flush and he smiled, brushing a lock of hair away from her face, "I just meant…I'm here for whatever you need."

She sighed again and sat up, "Right now I need a shower…I feel like shit."

"Okay." He watched her as she moved, "You should eat something too." She grimaced and he smiled, "I won't take no for an answer Olivia." She looked back at him with a pout, "Let me run to the store and grab some soup…nothing heavy. You need to keep your strength up. Noah needs you." He paused and ran his hand along her arm, "I need you."

She felt her heart skip a beat and she whispered, "You need me huh?"

Leaning forward he pressed his lips to her forehead, "Always have." She watched him stand up and begin to walk towards the door, "Go shower, take your time. I'll be back in a bit. I've got my key…" As he pulled on his coat, he looked at her and saw the worry in her eyes and he assured her once more, "I'll be right back Liv. I meant it when I said you're not getting rid of me…"

She nodded slowly, "Okay."

He offered her another smile and then walked out the door leaving her alone once more with her thoughts. It took her a few minutes, but she finally found the strength to stand up and walk towards her room, taking her glass of water with her. She walked into the bathroom. Turning on the shower, she turned back to the mirror and looked at herself in the mirror. Instantly she flinched at her reflection and pressed a hand to her cheek. She looked worse than she had expected, and yet, he had still stayed.

Turning slowly, she decided that she'd prefer a bath tonight. Adjusting the water and putting in the stopper, she walked back to her room to grab her phone as the water filled the tub. She scrolled through all the messages she'd missed today from her concerned friends and her heart ached. She'd spent so long thinking she was alone, sometimes it was hard to remember how many people she truly had in her life who cared. Walking back into the bathroom, she placed the phone down on the lip of the tub and began to play some soft Christmas music.

As the tub filled and the bubbles formed, she turned back to the mirror and stared at herself once more. Most days she avoided looking, but today, today she felt like she had too. Her hands shook as she began to remove her clothing, and she stared at the top of the mirror until she was completely naked. Slowly, her eyes drifted lower and that familiar pain settled in her chest when she saw them. Lifting one hand, she traced her fingers against one particularly prominent scar on her chest and she could almost feel the heat of metal that had been pressed against her, just like it was yesterday.

But it was a long time ago, and Lewis was gone. He was gone and she was alive, scars and all. She had survived and as much as it hurt sometimes, as scary as it was, she was glad she was still here. Lewis had taunted her with his words, asked who she wanted to see one last time and of course the only person she had thought of was Elliot. And back then, she assumed she'd never see him again. But he was here. He was here, and he was fighting for a chance to prove that he wanted to be with her, that he loved her and that nothing she did or could do would push him away.

And maybe…just maybe it was time to believe again.

When the water was high enough, she slipped in, hissing slightly as the heat of the water touched her skin. But she welcomed it as she lowered herself into the tub, letting the worry of the day begin to wash away with the bubbles. She dozed off slightly, but was alerted by a noise in the living room, and for a moment she froze, only to relax when she heard him, "Liv? It's just me…I'm back."

She sighed and pressed her head into the lip of the tub, "Okay…I decided to take a bath. I might be a little longer than expected…"

"Take all the time you need." He said from out in the living room, "I'll be right here…"

And for the first time in a long time, she believed that.

Sighing softly, she closed her eyes and reached for her phone, turning up the volume of the music knowing that he could probably hear it too.

This is my winter song to you.

The storm is coming soon,

It rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.

My words will be your light,

To carry you to me.

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

Is love…

Out in the living room, Elliot moved about taking the items he'd got at the store out and placing them in the fridge. It had been an emotional afternoon and evening to say the least, but in some way, he was glad it had happened. There were so many things she clearly needed to say and he hoped that she had heard him when he had said he wasn't going to be scared off. He knew deep down that her scars went deeper than physical, it was more than that. And he hated to think she felt unbeautiful, unworthy, because in his eyes, there had never been anyone more beautiful than she was. Did he think that he'd be scared when he saw them? Probably. But not of her. Of the pain it would cause him to know she had been so hurt…but as he had told her, that was his cross to bear not hers. And he would do everything in his power, when and if the time came to assure her that she was and always would be beautiful scars and all.

He set two bowls up for soup, and poured her another glass of water. And then he moved towards the coffee table and sat down, waiting once more. He'd meant it when he had said he'd wait forever if she needed him too. Looking down, he saw the gift he had grabbed in his pocket and couldn't help but think about how fitting it was for tonight of all nights. As he sat back and admired the tree, he listened as the song came through the door, muffled slightly but the words igniting a path straight to his heart.

They say that things just cannot grow

Beneath the winter snow,

Or so I have been told.

They say were buried far,

Just like a distant star

I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

When she was ready, she had pulled herself out of the tub, dried herself off and this time didn't flinch when she saw herself in the mirror. That was the first step she thought…walking back to her room, she rummaged around for some clothes to put on, something comfortable. She reached up into her closet on the top shelf and her hands fell on a sweatshirt, pulling it down she smiled. A gray hoodie. One she hadn't worn in years, but as she lifted it to her nose she could swear it still smelled exactly the same. Slipping on a pair of leggings and then zipping up the hoodie over a t-shirt, she walked back out into the living room, feeling another rush of warmth when she saw him sitting there, right here he'd promised he would be.

His feet were resting on the coffee table, and his eyes lit up when he saw her, "Nice sweatshirt…"

She tugged on the bottom of it and smiled, "This old thing? Haven't worn it in years…"

"Hm…" He dropped his feet down and gestured to the spot beside him, "Come sit. Eat…I went to your favorite cafe. Got a bunch of extra too in case you want some later."

This is my winter song.

December never felt so wrong,

'Cause you're not where you belong;

Inside my arms.

Settling in beside him, she reached out for the bowl on the table, "Thank you…"

"No problem." He whispered as he reached for his own bowl, "Are you feeling better?"

Taking her first sip she sighed in contentment before answering honestly, "Much…"

"Good." He whispered as they settled into a comfortable silence, "That's good Liv…"

I still believe in summer days.

The seasons always change

And life will find a way.

I'll be your harvester of light

And send it out tonight

So we can start again.

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

Half way through her bowl, she sighed and set it down, still feeling slightly weak, "I need a break…"

He nodded and watched her settle into the couch again, "That's okay." He placed his own bowl down and shrugged, "I know from experience…days like this can take a lot out of you."

She fidgeted with the zipper on his old sweatshirt and nodded, "Yeah…they do." She frowned and whispered in a broken voice, "It's hard when Noah's around and it happens…that's why I asked Fin to take him. I knew that it was going to be worse than usual. I think he knew this morning…but he's a good kid and didn't push it."

Elliot leaned back against the couch, "Eli does the same thing…although we're working through it. I don't want him to think he has to keep things from me because he's afraid I'll get upset."

She turned to look at him and asked, "You ever worry about how your own shit will screw up your kids?"

He laughed sadly, "Every damn day of my life Liv…"

She sighed and whispered, "Great…"

"All you can do is your best…and he knows how much you love him Liv. He'll neve question that." He whispered, "And that is the biggest hurdle…"

Turning back to him she wanted him to hold her again, "Hey El?"

He reached out and pushed a lock of her wet hair out of her face, "Yeah?"

She smiled softly and whispered, "Thanks for being a stubborn son of a bitch and breaking into my apartment." He laughed and she nudged him, "And thanks for not letting me push you away…"

He stared at her for a moment, he noticed that he could still see sadness, and maybe that would always be there. But underneath it, he could see hope. And above all, he saw strength. Clearing his throat, he leaned forward and felt her watching him, "I have another gift for you…"

Her heart jumped and she realized she'd forgotten all about his gifts, "El…"

"And it seems fitting that this is the one I had already chosen to give to you tonight." He said with a shrug, "Open it."

This is my winter song to you.

The storm is coming soon

It rolls in from the sea.

Her hands shook as she pulled at the wrapping paper. The familiar smell of a worn book, one of her favorite smells filled the space between them. Her hands smoothed across the original purple binding and her breath caught in her throat. "Little Women…" She whispered as she traced the lines of the cover.

Elliot shifted beside her, "I know it's your favorite…and this is an original print edition."

She looked up at him in surprise, 'How the hell did you find this? And more importantly how much did you-"

"Doesn't matter." He whispered, reaching out for the book, "But it is fragile…so be careful with it."

She felt him opening the book, heard the crack of the spine as it fell open and she felt tears burning in her eyes. On the inside cover, she saw writing, familiar writing, his writing. And she read her favorite quote from the book that he had remembered and written for her, "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship."

Below that he had written simply, To the strongest woman I know, all my love, Elliot.

He swallowed hard and whispered, "I wrote that when I bought it…I wish I had had the strength to send it. But you were always the stronger one out of the two of us…"

Looking up at him, she lifted her hand and wiped away her tears with the sleeve of his hoodie, "Not feeling so strong today…"

"That's okay." He said with a shrug, "Even superwoman is allowed to break sometimes. But you…" He placed his hand over hers on the book, "You have faced every storm that the world has thrown at you. And you've come out stronger each time. I am so proud of you…"

She bit down on her lip, "El…"

"No matter how hard you try to push me away, I'm not afraid Liv. I'll take all of your storms and watch you guide yourself through them. You don't need me. You never did. But…" He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles gently, 'If you want me here…I'll never leave your side again."

She looked down at the book and smiled, "You know…I've been listening to the audio of this the last few weeks. I can't even remember how many times I've read it at this point…"

"I read it." He said with a smile and she looked at him in surprise, "Actually I've read it a few times since I bought it…Jo always reminded me of you. Strong…independent. Fierce in her convictions. Bold, smart, charismatic…"

She traced the lines of his handwriting and whispered softly, "Will you read it to me?"

He smiled softly and nodded, "Sure…tell me where you left off."

He moved slowly and sat down on the floor in front of her. She opened the book to the chapter she had left off on and handed it to him. He looked at her, and she smiled, knowing that he knew exactly what part it was since he had said he read it. Lowering herself down again, she pulled at the blanket and rested her head on the pillow focussing on nothing but him as he read.

His voice was soothing, and soon she felt herself being lulled to sleep. Her eyes closed and she tried to stay awake but she was tired, so tired. And though she had slept in the last two days, that sleep had been wrought with terrible dreams. But tonight, tonight she knew that she was safe and he would be there to chase them all away just as she had always dreamed he would be.

Somewhere in between sleep and consciousness, she heard him reading her second favorite part. And she heard it. The emotion in his voice, as if he was speaking the words to her, not Laurie speaking them to Jo.

He had reached for her hand as he read, and his fingers carefully rubbed her knuckles as he read, his voice laced with emotion. "I've loved you ever since I've known you, Jo, - couldn't help it, you've been so good to me, - I've tried to show it, but you wouldn't let me; now I'm going to make you hear, and give me an answer, for I can't go on so any longer."

He felt her shift beside him, "El?" He turned to look at her, it was late now and the only light was coming from the Christmas tree, but he waited.

He smiled and squeezed her hand, "Yeah?"

Her eyes fluttered open for just a fraction of a second before she whispered the three words he'd been waiting to hear for so damn long, "I love you."

They sat there and he felt the emotions coursing through him, he knew she meant it. He also knew how scary it was for her to admit it. He also knew that for her to say it had taken a lot, and he wasn't going to take that for granted. And as much as he wanted to kiss her, he knew that tonight, she was still vulnerable and he wanted that to be her choice, and only when she was ready. So he lifted her hand to his lips once more, kissed her palm and then whispered, "I love you too. I've loved you ever since I've known you, Olivia, - couldn't help it."

She watched him through heavy eyes and whispered in a nervous voice, "Will you stay with me tonight?"

He nodded once and squeezed her hand, "Nowhere else I'd rather be…"

He heard her sigh and settle further into the cushions before her body relaxed once more. He knew she was falling asleep, but he continued to read knowing that it would comfort her. And in turn, comfort him too…

My love a beacon in the night.

My words will be your light

To carry you to me.

Is love alive?

Is love alive?

Is love alive?