A/N - We have officially reached Christmas Day. The last chapter. Things left off uncertain during the last Chapter. Who will be the one to get through to Olivia? And how will they do it? It's all a little full circle to a very important (in my opinion) moment in 1.0. Let's read to find out! Song featured in this chapter "What Christmas Means To Me" by Stevie Wonder.
Thank you for joining me for this ride with all these crazy ideas I had! Sometimes I don't know where I come up with this stuff hahah! Anyway, enjoy and don't forget to drop a review!
I hope you and your family have a very happy holiday!
Saturday December 25, 2021
Eli Stabler woke up early, very early. Something he never did these days. But every Christmas morning since as long as he could remember, his Mother woke him up early. Even if everyone else wasn't awake yet, she'd sneak into his room and wake him up to watch the sun rise. He was much younger than his siblings, he didn't need to be told he wasn't exactly planned. That much was true. But both of his parents never made him feel unloved or unwanted. And on Christmas especially, his Mom loved to celebrate the joy of the season with her youngest son.
But this morning, it was quiet. There was no one sneaking in to wake him up. There was no sound of his Mother's laughter telling him Santa had come even well after he stopped believing. Her love of the season was contagious and this morning, he missed it.
He missed her.
Rolling over, he saw that the sun wasn't even in the sky yet but a light snow was falling. It was going to be a white Christmas after all. He knew that Maureen would be over soon with her boys and Carl. Kathleen and the twins had crashed here last night because they were all supposed to have Christmas together. Olivia and Noah included…
But he knew for a fact that she had no intention of showing up today. Not because she didn't want to. But because she thought she shouldn't. She thought that they needed space, and out of respect she was going to do just that. What she didn't know was that their Father needed her. And if he was honest with himself, they all needed her. Sitting up slowly, he looked down and saw Dickie snoring away on the air mattress.
He'd come up with a plan last night, and if he was going to follow through with it, he needed to get moving. Especially because he had one stop before he made it there. As quietly as he could, he slipped out of bed, and got ready. Walking out into the living room he saw his two sisters fast asleep in the living room. He felt somewhat guilty sneaking out like this, but he felt it was their only option. If anyone was going to fix this, it had to be him.
Walking downstairs, he climbed into the Uber he'd ordered and gave the address for his first stop. He didn't have much time…once Elliot found out he was gone he'd be in big trouble. There was no time to waste.
Olivia woke up before Noah. She wasn't surprised. She'd tossed and turned most of the night trying to figure out what the hell to do. Elliot had called and texted multiple times but she hadn't answered. She didn't know what to say. Everything he'd planned, everything he'd done had blown her away. But watching him with his children last night had broken her heart. And the guilt, the guilt she'd felt for so many years came bubbling up to the surface.
She'd always been the partner. The friend. In many ways, the other woman. She'd be lying if she said she often wondered if Elliot had never come back for her ceremony, would Kathy still be alive? Logically in her head she knew that Wheatley would have probably found them anyway. But, the thoughts were still there. And maybe Elliot had been happy. Even though he'd told her he missed her. Even though he'd given her so many amazing gifts and expressed his love and hurt, maybe he'd been happy with Kathy in his own way. Maybe that had been enough.
Sitting up in bed, she reached for her phone and saw three more text messages from him since the last time she'd looked.
I'm sorry if the rings were too much. I just wanted you to know how I felt. Or maybe it's the connection to Lewis. I should have talked to you first. Please, just call me back.
Glancing over at her nightstand, she saw the box containing the two rings. Reaching for it, she popped open the lid. Even in the dim light of the room, she could still see the two rings shining bright. She thought back to his words from last night when he'd given them to her.
"I went and found the badge…I took it out of evidence with permission." He frowned and reached into the box, "I had them melted down into two rings. One for you…one for me."
She felt her heart beating so fast she thought she might faint, "Elliot…what-"
"They can mean whatever you want them to mean." He whispered, "I mean I gave it to you because I wanted you to know that I was still with you…even though I was far away. I was still thinking of you."
She remembered how she felt opening it at her desk, all alone. And just like then, she felt overwhelmed, "El…I just-"
"I should have been there. And I wasn't. And knowing you had it with you when…" He swallowed the lump in his throat, 'Again…if it's too much I understand. But I just…I wanted it to be a symbol of something new. To show you that I wasn't there before but I'm here now. And I will always be here. No matter what." She looked up at him wide eyed and he frowned, "They can be…promise rings. Or-or wedding rings." She grimaced and stepped back and he reached for her, "Or just friendship rings if you prefer but I just-"
She pressed a hand into her belly, "El…marriage…you were married before and-"
"I was. You're right. And nothing can erase the time I spent with Kathy. Nothing. But I am here now and I am fully committed to this. To youhe spoke quickly." I need you to know that and believe me when I say it, "These rings…"
"Are beautiful." She whispered, her hand covering her heart now, "They are so beautiful…and more than I ever could have imagined but El…here? Now? You want to do this now?"
"I'm not saying we should go inside and ask my Priest to marry us…" He said with a nervous laugh, "I'm just saying that…that's where I want to go with this. That's my intention. On us being a full family…you me, my kids and Noah. All of it. But if you tell me you just want to be partners…I can be okay with that too. I just want to be with you Liv. In whatever way you are comfortable with."
What was she comfortable with? What would she ever be comfortable with? With a heavy sigh, she closed the lid again and placed it back on the bedside table. Walking out of her room, she made her way towards Noah's room. Pushing the door open slowly, she saw him still fast asleep in his bed, not a care in the world. Or so she hoped. Not wanting to disturb him, she walked into the kitchen and felt a chill run through her. She wanted tea, and when her eyes fell onto the teapot he'd given her, her heart jumped in her chest.
Why did it all have to be so fucking complicated? After brewing a cup of her favorite blend, she turned on the lights on the tree and curled up on the couch pulling a blanket around her. What the hell was she going to do? Resting her head against the back of the couch, she realized it had only been a few nights ago when she'd told him she loved him, when she'd fallen apart and he'd stood beside her, never wavering in his support.
But now what? How would she explain this one to Noah? He was going to be devastated…and so was she.
Eli pulled up in front of the cemetery just as the sun was rising in the sky. He asked the driver to wait, promising to pay the full amount no matter the cost. He'd taken Dickie's credit card, he hoped his Brother would agree that this was one of those emergency situations. The driver gave him a look before asking, "What are you doing here on Christmas morning?"
Eli frowned, "Christmas tradition…watch the sunrise with my Mom."
He sat back and smiled sympathetically before whispering, "Take your time kid…"
Eli smiled and climbed out of the car, feeling that familiar ache when he thought of his Mother in this place. Walking through the cemetery, he said a silent prayer for all of those missing loved ones today. His breath rattled in his chest as he approached her, taking one final step, he stood before the black stone and sighed, "Merry Christmas Mom…"
Kneeling down, he placed the poinsettias he'd brought and arraigned them just so. He smiled and whispered, "Been awhile since I was up before sunrise on Christmas…but I figured it was about time." Sighing, he reached his hands out and touched the smooth stone, "I miss you. I don't know how else to say it…I just miss you. A lot. We all do. Especially today…and it's hard. Really hard trying to imagine never seeing you again."
He lifted his hand and wiped at his tears, "But I can promise you that Dad and the rest of us won't stop until Wheatley gets what he deserves." Looking up, he saw the sun growing brighter by the minute, "But uh…Mom I came here because I needed to know that it was okay. That you would be okay…" He frowned, "I don't remember it all…I was too young but Olivia…" He bit down hard on his lip and sighed, "She's been there. For all of us. Especially Dad. If I'm being honest…I'm afraid of what Dad would have done if she hadn't been around. She saved us. And I just…I want him to be happy again. And Olivia…she makes him happy. And I won't lie and pretend it doesn't hurt…and that it isn't hard sometimes but Mom….we have to move on. Somehow we have to move on…but you'll never be replaced. That I can promise you…but we need her. And I think she needs us, Noah too. But before I go…I need to know…" His breath caught in his throat, "I need to know that you know I love you. That I'll always love you and I will never forget you."
Looking up he frowned and sighed, "I don't know how…but if you can give me some sort of sign…anything. Just for my peace of mind…"
He was quiet for a moment, wondering if he'd finally lost his mind. And then he felt it, amongst the cold air, a rush of warmth. A feeling that started in his toes and rose throughout his body and somehow he knew. Somehow he knew she was there. And she was giving her blessing, no matter what she may have felt while she was alive, she understood. And it was time…for all of them.
Standing up, he ran his hand along the top of the stone and whispered, "Merry Christmas Mom…I love you."
And then he walked back to the car still waiting for him and he knew where his second stop was going to be.
It wasn't long before Noah was awake. Olivia was more than happy for the distraction and to watch the joy play across his face as he opened his presents by the tree. She'd never had this as a child. This moment of excitement, rushing out to see what Santa had brought her. The first year Noah had been old enough to understand it all had been one of the most magical days of her life. Elliot had once told her to see the magic of Christmas through a child's eyes as a real gift. She'd never understood it, not until that day. And she'd be lying if she hadn't stolen a moment to herself and cried, wishing she could have told Elliot she understood, wishing she could have shared this with him.
But that was then and this was now. Noah was ecstatic as he sorted through his presents. And for a moment, all her sadness and worry was washed away. But the feeling was only fleeting. Noah looked up at her and smiled, "Can I bring this game to Elliot's and play it with Eli today?"
Her heart jumped into her throat and she tried to steady her hands as she leaned forward, "Oh. Well…honey I wanted to talk to you about that."
Noah frowned and dropped the gift into his lap, "We're still going, aren't we?"
Olivia sighed and put her tea cup on the table, "Come here." He didn't move from his spot and she knew she was going to have to be the one to make the move. "Okay…I'll come to you." She stood up and slowly lowered herself to the ground in front of him, "Noah, I know that you really like spending time with Elliot and Eli. All of his kids…and Bernie too. But…you know that this is their first Christmas without their Mom, right?" Noah nodded, "Well…that's really hard. Painful. And I just think it would be best if you and I hang here today…let them be together as a family."
Noah shifted in his spot, "But they asked us to come. They all said they wanted us there. And yesterday at the restaurant it felt like we were part of a family. I thought that's what you wanted."
Olivia reached for his small hand and squeezed, "I know this is hard for you to understand but Noah, it's really complicated. More complicated than I can even begin to explain. A lot of things happened before you were born…before I even knew you were a possibility. There is a lot of hurt there, sadness."
"But Elliot came back." Noah said quickly, "And he brought you all those gifts. And you've been smiling, even after that hard day you were smiling. Because he was with you."
"You're right." She whispered, "I was happy…I missed Elliot very much. But sometimes…"
Noah shook his head, "I told Uncle Fin you would do this."
Her mouth hung open for a minute and she stumbled with her words, "What-what do you mean? You talked to Uncle Fin? About me and Elliot? What did he say?"
Noah shook his head, "He told me that as much as he cared about him, he wouldn't say anything about you or Elliot in front of me. And that it was up to the two of you if you wanted to be together. Not me."
"Well…he's right about that." She said putting her hands in her lap, "I'm sorry if you're upset. I never wanted that. It was why I was hesitant in the first place but-"
"I'm a big kid now, Mom. I understand things more than you think." He shrugged, "I know you love him." He saw her cheeks flush, "And I know that he loves you too. He told me that. Just like he told me he wants to marry you and that I could call him Dad when you do."
She gasped slightly, "You didn't tell me that last part…"
Naoh lifted himself to his knees and reached under the tree, "You haven't opened your gift from me yet."
She was confused by the sudden change of topic but tried to keep up, "Noah I-"
He held it out to her and said, "Please? Just open it."
Olivia looked at her son, the one thing she'd always wanted most in this world. The one thing she never dreamed she'd have. She didn't need any other gift as far as she was concerned. And then she remembered that Elliot had taken her son shopping and her heart started pounding harder again. Reaching for the lip of the gold wrapping paper, she carefully began to pull it back. Inside there was a square black box. She looked up at her son again and smiled, "Noah what did you do…"
He sat down across from her and shrugged, "I wanted your present to be extra special this year."
She smiled softly and reached for him, "You know I don't need anything big. Just getting to be here with you is enough."
Noah smiled, "I know Mom. But you deserve something nice…and this made me think of you. I saw it that day we went to pick up Aunt Amanda's present and I really wanted you to have it…"
Curiously, she lifted the top of the box and gasped when she saw the bracelet inside, "Noah…oh honey it's beautiful."
Noah leaned forward and pointed at the two rings, "The person at the store told me it represents a team, two people who intertwined. Something that can't be broken…just like you and me."
Tears began to stream down her face as he reached for it, "Noah…"
Lifting her arm, he helped her put it in, "Mom, we're the best team. But…you and Elliot make a great team too. Everyone knows it."
She wiped her eyes and sighed, "Noah…Elliot and I did make a good team. A great team. But that was a long time ago…and so much has changed. I've changed. He's changed…and his children…well they need-"
"Why don't you let us decide what we need for ourselves." A voice called from behind them.
Olivia's head spun around and her eyes went wide when she saw Eli climbing in through the fire escape window, "Eli! What the hell are you doing?"
"Thanks for leaving it open for me, kid." Noah said tossing him a candy cane, "I owe you one."
Olivia looked between them, "You two planned this?"
Noah shrugged, "He texted me before I woke up and told me he was on his way over…I was just helping him out."
Olivia lifted herself up off the floor and walked towards Elliot's youngest son, "What are you doing here? It's freezing outside! And it's Christmas, you should be at home with your family." And then a terrible thought occurred to her, "Please for the love of God tell me you didn't sneak out Eli…"
He grimaced slightly, "Guilty as charged…guess I am officially on Santa's naughty list. Huh?"
"I think he forgives us when there is no other option." Noah interjected.
"Eli Stabler I helped bring you into this world and so help me God I can take you right out of it." She growled, lifting wrapping paper up off the floor to search for her phone, "Are you trying to give your Father a heart attack? He's got to be worried sick! You promised you wouldn't run off again! And today, of all days! Christmas!" She was so focussed on the task at hand she didn't realize that both boys were laughing at her, when she finally did she whipped around and glared at them, "What is so funny?"
Eli laughed and shrugged, "That sounded an awful lot like something a Mother would say to her son…"
Olivia's mouth hung open and she pressed a hand to her belly, "I just…I just meant that I was there that day you were born and-"
"I know." Eli whispered, "I know you were. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. And My Mom could have died that day too…but because of you I got thirteen years with her. I wish I could have more…but it was better than nothing." He sniffled slightly.
Olivia looked back at her son and whispered, "Noah…do you think you can give Eli and I a minute alone?"
Noah nodded slowly and walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist, "I love you Mom. Team Noah and Mom…it's always my favorite team. But it's time we let a few more people in…"
She sighed and pressed her lips to the top of his head, Eli turned away from them and she knew he was trying not to cry. He was missing his own Mother. Dropping a kiss to the top of his curly head she whispered, "I love you sweet boy. And thank you for my bracelet…I'll never take it off."
Noah pulled back and then looked at Eli, "I'm sorry you can't be with your Mom today Eli. But I'm happy to share mine if it helps…"
Eli lifted his hand and rubbed at the corner of his eyes, "Thanks kid…I'm happy to share my Dad any day too."
When he walked away, Olivia walked closer to the older boy, "Eli, you can't keep sneaking off like this. Your Father is going to be worried sick. We need to call him and-"
"No, we need to go to my house." He said with a smile, "And yes, I said we."
She sighed and anxiously pulled at the sleeves of her cardigan, "Eli, I appreciate what you are trying to do. You're a great kid. But…I think right now you're confused. It's been a hell of a year and today of all days, you are missing your Mom the most."
"You're right. I do miss her. I miss her like hell." He said with a strangled whisper, "I'm never not going to miss her. And neither are my sisters or Dickie. But we can't just sit here and stop living. What's the point in that? It will only make things harder. We're all still alive…we're here and we need to start acting like it."
She looked down at her hands and whispered, "Last night at the church…I just felt so out of place. Not because of anything you all did. You've been so wonderful. And I have always cared about the five of you…but I can't be your Mom. I can't fill her shoes. Nor do I want to…despite our differences I respected the hell out of her. Even if I wasn't her favorite person…I would never, ever want to cause her, or any of you any pain."
Eli nodded, "I know that. And deep down, I think she knew that too. But she would want Dad to be happy…" He whispered, "She'd want all of us to be happy." He shrugged softly, "You make him happy, us too. And no…you can't replace her. She's always going to be our Mom. Nothing can change that…" He took another step closer to her and whispered, "But for so many years I heard stories from my brother and sisters about you…about how awesome it was having you around growing up. How you cared about them. And I always felt like I was missing out…and I was right."
She swallowed hard, "Eli…I've loved you since the day you were born."
Eli nodded, "I know. You held me first." He whispered, "Hell, I told my Dad they should have named me Oliver, not Elliot." Olivia laughed and he shrugged, "You can't be my Mom…not fully. But…I'm hoping you can be my Olivia?"
She pressed a hand to her chest and sighed, "Eli…"
"That person that was always there for my brother and sisters, and my Dad. Someone I can count on. Someone I can trust. Someone who I know will never let me down, no matter how much I screw up." He whispered.
She reached for his hand, "I don't know what to say…"
"So don't say anything…" Eli said with a shake of his head, "Just come home with me. You and Noah…just like we always had planned We want you there Liv. We all need you there. Especially Dad. It's been so hard watching Dad struggle…but when he's with you he's himself again. He's calmer, more at ease. And I know it's because he trusts you, he feels safe with you and…he loves you."
"I love your Father very much." She whispered, "But I'm scared…not just for myself. For all of us…this is big. What if it's too soon?"
Eli shrugged, "Is it gonna be easy?" He shook his head, "Probably not. But I'm realizing as I get older that the things that are really important are never easy…the things that mean the most…they are the ones that can be the most complicated. And that's okay." She still didn't move and he smiled, "How about we make a deal together?"
She smiled softly and cocked her head to the side, "A deal? What kind of deal?"
"You said I had to stop running…" He nudged her with his hand, "But I'll only do that if you agree to it too. No more running Olivia…even if you are doing it to try and protect others. It's okay…" He whispered, "I promise…it's okay."
Taking a deep breath, Olivia reached out to touch his face, "When did you grow up kid?"
He shrugged, "Not sure…but I think I have a lot more growing up to do. And I could use some help from Olivia Benson to make sure I don't make any more big mistakes. So…can I count on you? You did promise to never let me fall…"
Leaning forward, she enveloped him in her arms, just like she had done that day in the ambulance. She remembered it like it was yesterday, the feel of this tiny baby in her arms. How overwhelming it had all felt, how confusing. Ever since Elliot had told her that Kathy was pregnant again, there had been another shift in their relationship. All those moments of what if seemingly went out the window. And after months of hurt, when she held Eli in her arms she knew she'd do anything for him even if he wasn't hers.
Squeezing him tight she whispered, "You can count on me Eli. Always. I promise."
He squeezed her and asked, "So does that mean you're coming to our house for Christmas?"
As she pulled away she heard her son ask, "Yeah Mom…are we going to their house for Christmas?"
Turning slowly, her eyes landed on one more wrapped present under the tree. Her present for Elliot. Looking back at Eli, and then her son, she made a choice. As scary as it was, she made a choice and she knew there was no turning back this time.
Elliot woke up with a raging headache. He'd spent most of the night tossing and turning wondering if he should go to her apartment. But he also didn't want to push her. But right about now, that was hard. Rolling over, he instantly reached for his phone hoping that he would see a message from Olivia. But he wasn't surprised when there was nothing. With a heavy sigh, he tossed it down on the bed and threw the blankets off of him.
He could still smell her shampoo from when she'd slept here. It only made his heart ache more thinking maybe she'd never be here again. He'd spent so much time focussing on trying to get her to forgive him for leaving, he never thought about her emotions surrounding Kathy. Knowing her as well as he did, he should have anticipated her pulling away in fear of hurting his kids.
When he walked out into the living room, he saw the tree all lit up and the girls sitting with Bernie, his grandsons and his son-in-law, "Look Grandpa! Santa came!"
Elliot smiled and leaned down to ruffle his hair, "Looks like he sure did bud." He glanced around and frowned, "Your brothers aren't up yet?"
"Dickie always slept in." Lizzie said with a laugh, "You know how he is."
Kathleen frowned and looked at her Dad, "And Eli…"
Elliot stood up slowly and sighed, "Your Mom always woke him up…to watch the sunrise."
A sadness washed over the room and they all felt it. The loss of Kathy on this first Christmas. It would undoubtedly be hardest for Eli out of all the kids. He should have anticipated this. Turning to walk towards his son's room, he caught his Mother's eye, she gave him a sympathetic look and he wondered when and if those looks would ever go away.
Pushing the door open, he found Dickie still fast asleep and snoring on the floor. When the light slipped in through the crack, Dickie stirred. Elliot laughed and leaned down, "I told you not to drink so much wine last night…"
Dickie groaned and sat up, "What time is it?"
Elliot lifted his hand and looked at his watch, "A little after eight. The troops are up and ready for presents though…"
Dickie sighed and yawned, raising his hands over his head, "Alright. Give me a few minutes."
Elliot smiled and stood up, looking over at the bed, he wanted to handle his youngest with a little more care. Sitting down on the platform, he leaned over the mattress and reached out towards the mass of pillows and blankets, "Eli…time to wake up bud."
Dickie looked over at his Dad, "I forgot…about…"
Elliot nodded slowly, "I know. We all did." He sighed and looked at the bed again, "Eli…you out cold kid?" He pushed his hand into the mass of pillows again and then suddenly a sickening feeling filled his chest, "Eli…" He whipped back the blankets and cursed, "Damn it Eli!"
Dickie stood up quickly, "What's wrong?"
Elliot groaned and jumped down from the platform, "Kathleen!"
His daughters quickly ran to the bedroom, "What's going on?"
"Eli didn't come out of his room?" Elliot groaned, "No one saw him?"
"No…not unless he snuck out while we were sleeping." Kathleen whispered, "Oh no…"
"Shit." Elliot stomped barefoot towards the door, brushing past his four oldest children, "Why the hell didn't I think he would do this again? Today of all days."
Bernie walked towards him, "What's going on?"
"Eli's gone." He said, pressing his phone to his ear, "Pick up Eli. Pick up the phone."
"He's not in the bathroom…" Carl said walking over to meet them, "Where would he go?"
Kathleen frowned, "The cemetery…it's where he went before."
"Maybe he went to watch the sunrise…" Lizzie whispered, tears in her eyes, "With Mom."
Elliot ran a tired hand over his face and walked towards the door, pulling on his boots, "Dickie, come with me. The rest of you stay here."
Dickie ran back to Eli's room to grab his shoes, "Should we call 911? Or…or…" Maureen looked at her sisters nervously, "Olivia?"
Elliot reached for his coat and shook his head, "Not yet. Don't do anything until I call you."
Bernie walked over to him and put her hand on his shoulder, "Elliot…"
He looked down at her, "I'm sorry Mama…"
She shook her head and pressed her hand to his cheek, "It's going to be okay. I promise it will be okay."
Dickie walked up behind him, reaching for his coat, "I'll keep calling him on the way."
"Let's go." Elliot reached for the door handle, not looking as he went to move outside.
He slammed into something and the person yelled, "Ow!"
Elliot whipped around and his heart fell to the floor, he'd stepped on Noah's foot. Noah. And when he looked up again, he saw his son standing right next to Olivia. "Eli. Noah. Olivia…What-"
"Uh…hi." Olivia whispered nervously, "We uh…"
Elliot's head was spinning as the rest of his family crowded around him from behind, "Eli…what the hell were you thinking? Where were you? You scared the hell out of me! You promised you wouldn't run off again."
Eli nodded slowly, he looked back at Olivia who gave him a nervous smile, "I'm sorry. I just…had some things I needed to do." He shoved his hands in his coat pockets and whispered, "Sunrise…with…"
Elliot stood up straighter and sighed, "Eli…I'm sorry. We should have…I wish you had…had said something. I-"
Eli shook his head, "It's okay. I'm…I'm okay." He looked down at Noah, "Besides…it was on my way." He looked back at Olivia and smiled, "I had one more Christmas present to pick up for you Dad."
Elliot followed his gaze and once again his eyes settled on Olivia, "Liv…"
Clearing her throat nervously, she looked at Noah, "Noah uh…wanted to get in some last minute caroling."
Noah rolled his eyes, "No one believes that Mom. We've all heard you sing…I wouldn't put anyone through that."
Everyone laughed and Olivia nudged him, "Hey, I can still call Santa and have him return those gifts, kid. Watch it."
Noah smiled and looked back at Elliot, "Took us a little persuading and twice she threatened to turn the car around…but we're here."
Elliot let out a little sigh of relief and smiled, "I'm glad."
Eli reached for Noah and the bag of presents at Olivia's feet, "Come on Noah…I think these two have some talking to do. Besides…" He took a deep breath, "I smell cinnamon…Grandma B made her cinnamon rolls."
Noah looked at his Mom and smiled, "You good Mom?"
She took a shaky breath and nodded, "Yeah Noah…I'm good."
Noah turned and walked over to Elliot, 'She loved the bracelet…"
Elliot beamed down at him and smiled, "I'm glad bud. I knew she would."
Noah looked up at him and whispered so only he could hear him, "She's just scared…"
Elliot swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded, "Well that makes two of us…"
"Come on Noah." Kathleen said, pulling him into the room, "We were waiting for you."
Noah followed Kathleen and Eli into the apartment with the rest of the Stabler's. Elliot closed the door behind them and turned back to Olivia, she went to open her mouth and he held up his hand, "Outside…" He laughed and pointed at the door behind him, "There is no way they aren't listening…"
Olivia laughed when she heard rumbling coming from behind him and she nodded, "Yeah…okay."
Taking a tentative step towards her, he felt her tense up for only a moment. She turned slowly and he followed behind her, afraid of how this conversation was going to go. She didn't realize it, but she had the ability to break his heart into a million pieces with whatever she chose. He had told her he'd support whatever decision she made. That if she only wanted to be his friend, he'd accept that. But once he'd kissed her that night after the gala, he knew he couldn't let her go.
Stepping outside, she shivered slightly and pulled at her coat, "I know you're mad at Eli…I laid into him too."
Elliot smiled, "You did huh?"
She sighed and brushed her hair back from her face, "I think I may have made one of those comments only parents make." He gave her a look, 'I helped bring you into this world and I can bring you right out…"
Elliot laughed and walked closer to her, "Damn Liv…you probably scared the hell out of him."
She smiled, her cheeks flushing as she looked down, "Yeah well…" She kicked nervously at the ground, "I knew you'd be scared because he ran off."
Elliot looked back at the apartment, "My heart just about dropped to my stomach when I saw he was gone…I thought I was losing him again." He felt tears burning in his eyes and he sighed, "I should have considered…it uh…it was always their tradition. She woke him up every year. Just the two of them…"
"He told me." She whispered, "On the way here…"
They were both quiet for a moment, trying to think of something to say. They moved towards one another and said each other's name at the same moment, "Elliot" "Olivia"
They both laughed and Elliot sighed, "You uh…you can go first."
She swallowed the lump in her throat and whispered, "I'm sorry that I took off so quickly last night…I just felt like it was probably for the best. For everyone."
Elliot bit down hard on his lip, "I wish you had told me…what you were feeling."
"El, it's just…" She sighed and shrugged, "Kathy was their Mother, and it's been less than a year. Seeing them there last night at the church, I could feel their pain. Their loss. And it felt wrong to be there. I felt like I was overstepping my boundaries which was something I always tried so hard not to do." She smiled sadly, "I'm not sure I always got it right. But I tried…and now more than ever I want to respect her memory. And your kids' feelings…" She shrugged softly, "Your feelings too…"
He let her words settle over him, trying to think of how to respond. And then he took a deep breath and walked towards her, "If you are asking me if I miss her…" He saw her step back, "Yeah…I do. We shared a life together. Part of me will always miss her…but I missed you too. For ten years Liv."
She shook her head, 'Don't do that Elliot…please don't do that."
"There are things I haven't told you. Things I need to tell you." He whispered, "I was trying to explain them last night but yes the kids needed me…and I should have anticipated that. Just like Eli this morning. I'm sorry for that. You're right…it's complicated. It's always been complicated…"
"Yes. It has." She whispered, "And that's why…for so many years I just tried to stay away. It's why…why you left."
Elliot nodded, "I tried to keep my marriage together but I know that she knew. It's why she insisted on the letter and I let my own guilt lead my choices there. That was on me."
"I never wanted to hurt her." She whispered, "Or your kids…or you. And I've been thinking that maybe it's just better if-"
"No." He said quickly, "No Liv…it's not better if we are apart. It's not better if we hide from all of this. We did that for too long and it only made things worse."
She looked down at the ground, "So what do we do?"
Elliot walked closer to her, "I have your last gift…can I give it to you please?"
She stared up at him and knew that whatever it was was sure to blow her away, just like all the rest of them. She nodded slowly and he stepped towards her. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small box. "I bought this last Christmas…"
She took the square box and looked at him, "El…"
"It's very fragile…so be careful." He whispered as he saw her begin to pull at the wrapping paper, "It was in this little shop…Kathy and I were fighting. Something we'd been doing a lot…I couldn't decide what the hell to get her. And I was feeling more homesick than ever."
Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat as she reached for the top of the box, "Elliot…"
"The woman in the store…" He nodded towards her as she lifted it, "Said it had special meaning…"
She gasped when she saw a beautiful hand made glass blown star, it shimmered in the light, "Elliot's it's beautiful…"
"She said it had the power to guide you home…" His breath caught in his throat as he spoke, "To show you the direction you needed to go. Show you what was missing." Tears welled in her eyes and she looked up at him slowly, "I walked around for hours after buying it…I couldn't figure out why I had been drawn to it. And then…" He smiled and shrugged, "My phone rang…and it was Fin telling me about your ceremony." He shrugged and reached out to touch her cheek, "And I knew Liv…I knew it was time. And when I went home to Kathy…and I told her about the call. I think she knew too…"
She whimpered softly, "Elliot I don't know what to say-"
"I was always coming home." He said, "I wish to God I had come back sooner than I did…but I was scared. Mostly I was scared to face how badly I'd hurt you. But I'm here now…and Liv I need you to let me in."
She sighed and looked down at the star, "Your kids…"
"My kids adore you. "He whispered, "And have all given me their blessing. Yes…it's hard. Yes they're always going to miss her. But they also know we can't just sit around mourning her forever. I'm tired…I'm so tired Liv. Tired of trying to pretend like I don't feel what I feel. And whether it's right or wrong…I love you. And I know for certain that nothing is ever going to change that. Two decades later…and my feelings are stronger now than they were back then."
She closed the lid on the box and reached her hand up to the chain around her neck. Carefully she pulled it out from her coat and he saw it. The moon pendant, and something else, something very familiar dangling from the chain. The ring he'd given her last night, "Liv…"
"I won't lie and pretend what you said…what this meant didn't scare me." She whispered, "It was all so overwhelming…that day…" She cleared her throat, "When I got the badge. It felt like you were really gone for good. And I hid it for a while…didn't want to look at it. But one day I woke up and I just…I put it on my gun. And it felt like you were there again…at least part of you." She looked up at him and whispered, "And when I realized it was gone…it made it that much harder. But you were there El…you were there with me that day. You were the one thing keeping me going…that kept me fighting. Just the thought of ever seeing you again. Even if it never happened…" She shrugged tugging on the ring,
"I'm here." He whispered, "I wish I had been there Liv…I should have been there. I'm so sorry."
She shook her head and said, "You're here now…"
"I'm here now." He moved closer and she didn't pull away, "And I swear Liv…I'll never leave again. Never…I couldn't even if I tried."
Tracing her fingers along the gold ring she said, "I think I'll wear the ring on the chain…" Looking up at him she saw he was still nervous, "For now…"
He couldn't help the smile that lit up his face, "For now…" He cleared his throat and she started to laugh, "So you're saying that there is a chance…"
She rolled her eyes and tried to back away but he reached for her hand, "Elliot…"
"That someday…you might wear it on your finger." He lifted her hand and smiled, rubbing along the line where it would rest, "On this finger to be exact…"
"I'm saying…" She whispered looking up at him, a slow smile spreading on her face, "That there is still a hell of a lot we have to work through El. Things from our past…and the time we were apart. Our kids…their feelings and ours." She shrugged, "But I made a promise to Eli…"
Elliot pulled her by the hand closer, "What kind of promise?"
"A deal really." She said leaning into him, "That he would stop running away…if I do the same." His breath caught in his throat and she leaned all the way in, "I'm tired of running El. As scared as I am…I'm just tired. I don't want to run anymore."
Reaching out, he tangled his hands in her hair, "Even if you do, I'll be right behind you. Where I always should have been."
Resting her forehead against his she whispered, "It's not going to be easy…"
"Nothing with us ever was." He said with a little laugh, his thumb traced the line of her cheek as a snowflake fell onto it, "But it was always worth it. Every moment I have spent with you…it's all been worth it. And it led us right here."
She looked down at the box in her hand, "So maybe this thing does have magical powers after all…" She smiled and peeked up at him through her eyelashes, "It guided you back to New York."
He shook his head slowly and leaned in, his lips just inches from her, "It guided me back to you."
She didn't hesitate as his lips touched hers, didn't pull away or try and protest it. Instead, she melted into his embrace, her arms wrapping around his waist. He pulled her as close as possible, breathing her in, allowing himself to live in this moment. They were so wrapped up in each other, they didn't notice the group of people leaning out the windows until Noah called, "Hey Mom! Does that mean we get to stay?"
Olivia and Elliot jumped apart, both of them laughing as they did so, "Noah…"
"And if you say yes…can we have one of those sleepovers Elliot asked about?" Noah yelled again making the older children and Bernie laugh.
"Oh my God…" Olivia cursed under her breath, "Noah Porter Benson! Get back in the house!"
"That's a yes." Eli said laughing to Noah, "At least on the staying for Christms part…the sleepover thing…she may make Dad work a little harder for that. As she should."
"Elliot Stabler!" Elliot yelled from beside Olivia, "You get inside too."
"OH he called you Elliot." Dickie said with a smirk, "Someone's in trouble."
"Goes for you too Richard!" Elliot said with a smirk.
"Damn." Dickie said with a sigh, "Everyone in before he runs down the list of us. We'll be here all day."
The kids moved away from the windows leaving Bernie to watch them, a twinkle in her eye, "Mama…"
She smiled softly at them, "You two figure out this mess yet?"
Elliot looked down at Olivia and smiled, "We're working on it." He tugged gently on one of her curls and smiled, "Right partner?"
"Right." Olivia whispered, never taking her eyes off of him, "Teamwork…it's what we were always best at."
Bernie smiled from the window and nodded, "Alright then. Take your time. I'll occupy the troops." She moved and then looked back down at them, 'One thing though…" They both turned to look at her, "Don't wait another twenty-three years to get married. I want to be around to see it…"
Olivia ducked her head against Elliot's shoulder and he laughed, "Mama…"
"Merry Christmas." She whispered softly, "To both of you."
When she was gone Elliot turned back to her and saw a far away look on her face, "What are you thinking?"
Resting her hands on either side of him she took a deep breath and sighed, "For years you told me about the magic of Christmas…that I was missing out. And I never really believed you." She leaned in closer to him, "Even with Noah…something always felt like it was missing."
He smiled, tangling his hands in her hair once more, "And now?"
"Now…" She pressed herself up on her toes, "Now it feels like I got everything I ever wanted. And I understand it…what Christmas is really all about." She kissed him softly and whispered, "Thank you for the best Christmas ever El. It's one I will never forget."
Pulling her into his arms he sighed, "Me either. But the good thing is…we get to spend every Christmas from now on together. As long as that's something you still want."
She smiled and kissed him again, "I think I could be okay with that…besides. After all these years, you're still the longest relationship I've ever had with a man." Shrugging softly she asked, "Who else would put up with me?"
He laughed and shook his head, "You make me crazy Benson…did you know that?"
"Oh…I had a feeling." She nudged him and whispered, "But you're not going anywhere, right?"
"Never again Liv." He answered honestly, "You're stuck with me." Kissing her gently he whispered, "Partners for life…"
"Partners for life…" She sighed and buried her face into the crook of his neck, "I like the sound of that…"
Later that evening, they all sat around the table after a well deserved Christmas meal cooked by Elliot, Bernie and Maureen. Everyone was talking, laughing, sharing their favorite moments of the day. Elliot sat at the head of the table, his Mother on his right and Olivia on his left. His hand was on her knee, hers rested over his, absentmindedly running over his ring finger as she talked to Noah on the other side of her.
He looked around the full table and felt grateful. For so many things. It had been a hell of a year. And if he was honest with himself, a hell of a decade. So much had changed. So much he felt regret over, things he wished he could change. But he understood now, he couldn't change the past. All he could do was focus on the here and now, continuing to right his wrongs and to make sure he never lost Olivia again.
She was the light that guided him home, just like the star he'd given her today. He didn't think it was a coincidence he'd bought it the same day that Fin called. The stars as they said, truly had aligned. And while things may have turned out in ways that he never expected, and though he wished Kathy could still be here for his children's sake, he knew that he, was right where he belonged. Where he'd always belonged. Beside Olivia. And nothing was going to change that now.
"You okay Dad?" Kathleen called from farther down the table.
Elliot smiled and felt all eyes turning towards him, "Yeah…I'm okay. Just…uh thinking." He felt Olivia squeeze his hand and he looked over at her and smiled, "I was thinking that I'm really grateful for all the people around his table."
Bernie smiled at him, "Do you remember what I told you when you were little?" He turned to her, "You were upset because Santa forgot one of the toys you'd asked for…and I told you-"
"Christmas is about who you spend it with…not what you get." He whispered, "And you were right…"
"You should know by now I'm always right…" She whispered and everyone laughed, "The greatest gift I've been given this year…is time spent with you."
Elliot smiled, his heart aching as he leaned forward to kiss her cheek, "Merry Christmas Mama. I love you."
"I love you too." She whispered and then nudged him, "Now go to do the dishes…"
Everyone laughed again and Elliot sighed, standing up. He reached for his plate, "Why's it always me?"
"I'll help." Olivia said with a smile, "I can't cook…but I can clean."
"When she wants to." Noah said with a smile, "I'll help too."
"Me too." Eli said, standing up and gathering plates.
Elliot felt his heart jump in his chest as the four of them began to clear the table and set to work in the kitchen. It was mostly quiet as they worked, a seamless team. Each with their own job, clearing, washing, drying, putting away. And both Olivia and Elliot thought about how comfortable it felt. How right it felt. Like everyday could be like this. And maybe…just maybe it could…
After they finished, they all gathered once more around the three. Noah and Maureen's boys were playing with their gifts, reminiscing on all that Santa had left for them. Olivia nervously watched Elliot's kids as they sat together, talked about old times and her eyes roamed to the bag by the tree. Standing up, Elliot looked at her, "What are you doing?"
She cleared her throat and reached into the bag, "I have something for the kids…"
Elliot watched in amazement as Olivia handed out five of the same sized gifts to all five of his children. All immaculately wrapped in red paper with a gold bow. All five Stabler children looked up at her and she nervously smiled, "Open them…"
They looked back at their Father who just nodded, almost certain that whatever it was was going to make them all emotional. But knowing Olivia, it would be incredible. As they pulled back the paper, one by one he heard his children gasp. His girls were openly crying, and his sons tried their best to hide it though he saw tears in their own eyes. "What is it?"
Kathleen turned the frame and his breath caught in his throat, "Mom…"
Elliot leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he looked at the picture in the frame. It was indeed Kathy. A very pregnant Kathy and somehow he knew exactly when it had been taken, "Liv…"
"I was going through some old boxes…and I stumbled upon some old photos." She fidgeted nervously, knowing that everyone was watching her, "That day I took your Mom to her appointment, we stopped and grabbed some lunch quickly first. It was nice out and she wanted to sit outside." Looking back at Eli she smiled, "You kept kicking…and she was laughing. And she looked so happy…so excited…and I took that photo." She bit down hard on her lip, "I always intended to give it to her…but next thing I knew we were in the accident and you were born Eli and it was all a blur…"
Eli, unable to hold the tears any longer, looked up at her, "This is when she was pregnant with me?"
She smiled softly, "Less than an hour before you came barreling into this world…" She said through her own tears. Looking around at his children she suddenly worried she'd crossed a line, "I just…I wanted you to have it. And I'm sorry if it's-"
"It's perfect." Maureen whispered, "Olivia…it's absolutely perfect." Her voice cracked and her husband placed his arm around her, "Thank you. For this…and so much more."
"She will always be your Mother." Olivia whispered, "And I will never, ever try and take her place. But I'm here…in whatever way you want me to be. I hope you know that."
Kathleen moved first, crossing the room to pull her in for a hug, her body shaking with emotion, "We love you Olivia."
Elliot sat back and watched as his children all got up to hug her, to say their thanks. Olivia wiped at their tears, whispered words of comfort and love to them, never wavering or hesitating. And when it was finally Eli's turn, he looked down at her, "Thank you Liv…this means more to me than you know."
She smiled up at him and touched his cheek, "I loved you the first moment they handed you to me kid…and nothing will ever change that. Okay?"
Eli leaned in and hugged her, "Okay."
Looking over his shoulder, Olivia smiled when she saw Elliot. He stood up and handed the picture back to Kathleen and Bernie settled in beside the girls to look at it. When Eli pulled back, he nodded towards the bag that she had taken the gifts from, "There's one more in there…is it for Dad?"
"Yeah…" She whispered, "But his is a little different."
Eli smiled and squeezed her arm, "No more running?"
She shook her head, "We made a deal. No more running."
Eli nodded and stepped back as she reached for the final gift in her bag. Walking towards him in the kitchen, she saw him wiping away his own tears, trying to pull himself together, "Hey…"
He turned back to her quickly, chewing on his bottom lip, "Olivia…that was…"
Holding the gift in her hands she whispered, "Too much?"
He let out a strangled cry and shook his head, "No. That was…the most incredible gift you ever could have given them. I'm at a loss for words…"
He moved towards her but she held out the gift in her hands instead, "I wasn't sure what to get you…" He was caught off guard for a moment and she laughed, "To be honest…the last ten years every time I went shopping I saw things that reminded me of you. But unlike you I didn't have the heart to buy them."
He wiped at his tears again and whispered, "Liv, I don't need anything. You allowing me into your life again. Trusting me…wanting to be here with me, and what you've done for my kids, for me…that's all the gift I need."
She held up her arm, "I know Noah couldn't have afforded this on his own…"
He smiled sheepishly and whispered, "That obvious huh?"
She shrugged softly, 'To me at least…and I can't thank you enough. For every single gift and everything you've said and done in the last ten days. You made me believe again El…" She held out the gift and he saw that it was larger than the ones she'd given his children, "It's not much…"
He reached for it, pulling at the paper slowly, "I know I'll love whatever it is." He smiled as he looked up at her, "Because it's from you."
She waited, and then saw the emotions run across his face. Inside was a frame of his own, only this one held two pictures. One of the two of them at their very first gala as partners. In fact, Kathy had insisted on taking the picture to mark the occasion. And the second, the second was from the gala the other night. Their first official date.
"A lot has changed since then…" She whispered softly, "So many things…" He looked up at her slowly, "But one thing hasn't…"
He looked down at their younger selves and smiled, "And what's that?"
"You were my best friend then. And you're my best friend now. And the only thing I ever wanted for Christmas…was to have a family to share it with." She whispered, 'And I finally got my wish."
Clearing his throat, he lifted the frame and placed it down on the counter beside him, "I love this…" Looking back at her he whispered, 'And I love you."
Reaching for him, she pulled him in close for a kiss, "I love you too. Merry Christmas Elliot…"
"Merry Christmas Olivia…" He replied before pulling her even closer.
He only pulled away enough to spin her around as one of his favorite Christmas songs came through the speakers. The rest of their family was already dancing around the living room, making new memories of their own with only the Christmas tree lighting the room. Yes, many things had changed. But this, this feeling was never going to go away. They both got exactly what they wanted for Christmas.
A second chance…and that's what Christmas was all about.
Oh yeah
Candles burnin' low
Lots of mistletoe
Lots of snow and ice
Everywhere we go
Choirs singin' carols
Right outside my door
All these things and more
(All these things and more)
Whoa, that's what Christmas means to me my love
(That's what Christmas means to me my love)
Whoa, yeah
Ha ha, yeah
And ya know what I mean
I see your smilin' face
Like I never seen before
Even though I love ya madly
It seems I love you more
The little cards you'll give me
Will touch my heart for sure
All these things and more, darling
(All these things and more)
Whoa, that's what Chrstmas means to me my love
(That's what Christmas means to me my love)
Oh yeah, I
I feel like runnin' wild (runnin' wild)
As anxious as a little child
To greet you 'neath the mistletoe
Kiss you once and then some more
And wish you a Merry Christmas baby
(Wish you a Merry Christmas baby)
Whoa, and such happiness in the comin' year
Oh baby (happiness in the comin' year)
Let's deck the halls with holly
Sing sweet silent night
Fill the tree with angel hair
And pretty, pretty lights
Go to sleep and wake up
Just before daylight
And all these things and more, baby
(All these things and more)
Whoa, that's what Chrismas means to me my love
(That's what Christmas means to me my love)
Oh baby, baby
Alright
(Christmas bells are ringin')
(Christmas choirs singin')