Thanks for the reviews. I am writing this, kinda fast and then kinda slowly. I hope you continue to stay with me as I go on the journey with it.
Chapter six:
It was a blur but Rose moved. Riveted beneath Jack's gaze, beneath the way in which he held her. His eyes were lighter in colour, a watery ring seemed to surround his iris. Every time she breathed in, there was his scent which she inhaled and she felt the way it seemed to affect the way that her heart beat. It was sinking, deeply into her chest and then accelerating in a way in which she had to determine the meaning of.
Tilting her chin up, she tried to imagine as though this was a dance with one of her peers; at a great event. A formality which she knew that he had never experienced and so it would be impossible to even think of it like that. Instead, she focused on the actuality of it. Jack's fingers were splayed at the bottom of her back, holding her there in place with his other hand clasping onto her cool fingers. Such the simplest of touches felt the most intimate that it could possibly be. More intimate than the few nights within her husbands bed. Feeling the way Jack's torso was touching her own. The way the material of his shirt felt beneath her palm. It was as though the smallest of details were suddenly heightening all of her senses and above it all, there was the way he seemed to watch her beneath the mindreading gaze. Rose was acutely aware that she was moving. Slowly. If that. Her feet were following his own. He moved effortlessly. Gliding. Leading. Teaching. A man who had limited means, barely an education or a dollar and yet, he was able to dance so lovely. It wasn't polished and perfect. His stance wasn't so rigid. His frame wasn't perfect. But that made it perfect. Imperfect.
''You surprise me.''
''Why is that?''
''Because you are not such a terrible dancer.''
Jack's lips threatened a smile. ''I can be.''
Rose gave in and she laughed, loosening her frame slightly. Jack seemed to sense her enjoyment, and with a sly smirk, gave her a little twirl. She moved with him, allowing him to twirl her about the dining room which was never a room to indulge a dance in. It was a room meant to take meals, to entertain friends and colleagues. Cal had sat at the head of the table many times, with her at the bottom end as he spoke with several other gentleman and she had been expected to sit, smile and simply be. An ornamental figure there at the table; a mechanical thing engineered by her husband to look beautiful, regal and play the part of the supportive wife to him.
That was hard to recall now, as they almost knocked into a dark oak chair, as they moved along to just the sounds of their own laughter.
"That is terrible!" Rose heard herself breathlessly say, tumbling back to him when he pulled not too harshly but enough to cause her to stumble about as though she had consumed far more wine than she actually had.
"Oh yeah, how about this?" Grasping her hand, she was pulled back and a shriek escaped her lips.
Beads of sweat started to line her forehead; her skin grew sticky as the closeness to Jack had now caused them both to overheat. She saw everything in slow motion; the objects around her faded into the background. He was laughing, happy, alive. She felt that too. He led her around the dining room and she screamed having never danced this way before. She felt so wild and free and her grip on Jack tightened as he whirled her around the dining room; avoiding the sideboard. Avoiding the beautiful beaded lamp. Avoiding the cluttered end tables stuffed with gaudy ornaments and items which seemed to prove the important of the Hockley family. Heirlooms. Worth thousands. To Rose, they could have been absolutely worthless. A sharp knot came in her stomach from the sudden burst of energy and adrenaline which had surged through her. As he had threaded her in and out of his arms, circling the oblong table. Her dress and hair were a trail behind her as she went, her body feeling completely loose and fluid like.
Their laughter piercing through the absolute otherwise silent house, Rose could only cling to Jack's shirt as finally he whirled her about one last time.
''Is that how you dance at the fancy balls, huh?''
''No! Absolutely not.''
''How about this?''
Jack let go of her hand, moving to a place on the Aubusson rug in front of the mantelpiece where a fire was burning nicely casting an eerie glow across his features as he went. Moving his hair from his face, Jack proceeded to clog a few steps, something he had learnt in his time in Ireland the year before. She watched in disbelief and recognised the steps, laughing and removing her slippers, she placed them onto the table, before lifting her skirts to reveal her stocking feet and started clogging with Jack, he clapped along before going with her and then linking her arm through his and dancing in a circle before spinning her around faster and faster. She screamed and laughed with joy. Feeling how flushed she had become, Rose swiped at her face and moved away the few curls which had come free from her chignon. This was not the type of evening which one could have planned. The fire burning in the hearth had caused them both to become covered in a fine sheen of sweat and Rose had to grasp onto his elbow to ensure that she was steadied as they came to a slower pace.
''You surprise me, greatly.''
''I am glad that I do.''
Jack started to laugh, until he thought, suddenly of his parents. There. Beneath the candlelight, and something in his eyes seemed to cloud over.
He slowly, pulling a rather flushed Rose in closer, moving his hand so it would be completely around her waist and cupping at her hip. They moved slowly, Rose seeming to mould to Jack's body. At the time, she didn't regard what they were doing as wrong, simply because it all felt so right. Neither one of them tried to question anything they were going through at that moment. Rose could feel her heart thudding in her ears, the beat growing faster every time Jack tightened his grip. Their faces weren't touching, and they simply gazed at each other. It was as though they were searching for something in the eyes of the other. As though questions would be answered. As though they would be able to witness the sun rise in each other's depths.
Jack looked at Rose-her red curls were everywhere. Some had managed to stay in the style that she had worn when they had first sat down to dinner, but most framed her rather pink face. Her piercing blue eyes...he had never seen eyes with such a dark blue. It was like looking out to sea. They truly were oceans of emotion. Her dress hanging over her shoulders in a now dishevelled mess. To Jack, everything about her was perfect. He tried over and over to ingrain the image in his mind forever for past tonight, who knew what could happen tomorrow? A change was occurring in the air, growing second by second and for one who usually lived second to second, he was desiring to know what the outcome could be. It was unsettling to feel that way, to even consider acknowledging that. Jack was no longer drawing often, no longer smoking rolled cigarettes and watching the stars. He had become a fully-fledged member of a working household. A footman in service. But he had also become a person, emotionally involved with another man's wife.
They were so close, his cheek almost touching hers and she could feel the warmth from his body; the radiating heat which circled her waist, clasped onto her hand, expelled from his eyes outward to her own. Neither had needed to discuss what the steps were, for they just moved in a motion of their heartbeats, leading the other in a beautiful sway and footwork.
''Where did you learn to dance?'' Pulling back, her eyes fell level with his lips. They curved into a smile, dimples revealing themselves as upon finding his eyes, she fell into that intense stare.
''My parents,'' He paused for a moment to watch her face. ''They would dance at night, when they thought that I was asleep. I watched them from the shadows.''
She smiled, leaning into his chest. ''That sounds wonderful.''
''Yes, it was.'' Jack smiled, ''they danced every night before bed. Just holding each other. There was never a need for music.''
When Rose was lowering her head to Jack's chest, she stole glances at him. He was striking to her. His blond hair was in his eyes, the same eyes that read her like a book. When Jack looked at her a certain way, she was sure he was looking right into her soul.
''It sounds as though they were greatly fond of each other.''
''They were in love from been young children.''
Closing her eyes, Rose inhaled from the depths of herself, allowing how he was and how he held her just wash over him. She was about to imagine two children, in love and laughing and playing as a future together was the only destiny to have and that must have been wonderful but it would cause her heart to ache too much.
''My mother was required to marry my father.'' Rose told him, quietly. ''An arranged marriage.''
''Is that why you had to marry so young?'' He rested his chin on her hair so lightly. The gesture was new to her. She stopped moving for a moment. Remembering just how honest Jack was and also knowing just how well he could read her. How could he possibly have such an ability?
''I met Cal when I was damaged from my father's death and I needed somebody to love me. Or care for me.'' She started to move again and he listened, intrigued. He felt like he needed to know her better, to understand her reasons. ''He made a line for me; he was powerful and made me feel safe.'' She sighed. ''I needed to escape the clutches of my mother, and it seemed like giving myself to the grasp of another person was the only way, even if it was a man like him.''
''So, you need to be owned by some one?'' Jack glanced out into the candlelight, shaking his head in a disapproval and Rose noticed how his body had tensed.
''I thought that when I married it would be forever, and then I met Cal.'' She glanced at the ring on her finger, the symbol of her marriage. The symbol of her belonging to another man. How could one man suppress her and another free her?
''Do you not talk to him about it?''
She wanted to laugh. ''No. My husband does not speak of such things. Neither does my mother.''
''Why not?''
''Because I think they believe things will disappear if we ignore it. As long as outwardly, we project the image of solidarity, then all is well.''
Rose leant against him as though she was trying to feel some sort of comfort and he tried so hard not to kiss her. He supported almost all of her weight and she realised in that moment that it was Jack who made her feel safe. It felt right to move closer to him and soon there was no gap, their torsos were completely pressed together. The way they stood, with so much familiarity between them both even though they barely knew the other was so...unnerving.
''That is why you're so, so different.''
''Because I'm honest?''
''Yes. Honesty is a quality which I do value, and hold dear to my heart, but I am not used to it.''
Their eyes met for a moment and Jack wrestled with the urges within his stomach, as a fist clenched inside.
''I am not different, Rose. I just have an open heart,'' Jack exhaled.
''Yes, the one thing Cal urges me to have and yet, I cannot. I deny him, I fear I always will but he is my husband and that is to mean something.''
''Is it denial of fear?''
''I fear if I allow myself to open my heart to him, then he will steal the last remaining part of me which isn't completely saturated by that world.''
Blinking in disbelief, Jack cleared his throat. It was tough to take. Tough to hear. Tough to imagine the reality of living amongst such stress, especially with a child.
''When is he home?''
''I don't know.'' Rose informed him. ''London feels so far away and yet not far away enough.''
''And that is how you like it?''
Nodding beneath his gaze, Jack tightened his hands upon her hand and waist. He leant forward and kissed her forehead; he shouldn't, but was rendered speechless at just how lost Rose really was. The urge to save her was nipping at him, just as the urge to kiss her was. Her eyes closed as she relished the tender feeling. Tenderness wasn't something she felt often. Had she ever felt tenderness? Has she ever felt loved, truly?
Then, Jack asked the question.
''Do you love him?''
Rose was about to deny him an answer but she found that she couldn't. Not in that moment. Earlier, she had put a guard up. A protective barrier which society provided her with at birth but since then, it seemed to have come undone, more than slightly. She felt frayed at the edges, and threatened to come undone herself but there was still enough of her to put back together. Enough strength to recover the barrier. Just. As long as she kept pulling together the edges which came undone, then she wouldn't fall for him. She was certain.
''I did when I agreed to marry him, or so I thought.''
In a dimmer light, they reduced to a sway.
''Was he happy about Adeline's birth?''
Sighing softly, Rose contemplated the question. There was one answer. There had to be. ''Yes.'' She sighed. ''Well, he was happy when we discovered my pregnancy.''
''Were you?''
Rose squeezed her eyes closed, cautioning herself to not speak of such personal matters with a stranger who had already managed to work his way beneath her skin in such a short amount of time. The truth was, that she wasn't, but she was also naïve to the ways of the world; such as how a child was created. Education on such matters to young ladies were limited and one was expected to follow the husbands lead on the matter. Cal's kiss wasn't hesitant; it was almost pleasant when she had closed her eyes. His hands had been gentle to begin with, but then they had gained added aggressiveness. Rose had simply done as imagined one should do whilst laid beneath a man; close your eyes, allow the man to move and as soon as it was over, one could sleep knowing that they had pleased their husband and fulfilled their duty as a wife.
Rose's quietness spoke volumes to Jack.
''Why reside yourself to a lifetime of life like this?''
''I am already trapped.'' Rose missed a step, but Jack took note, helping her to keep her balance. ''Why are you so unafraid? You know what to say. What is going on inside me even when I have no clue. I am excited and yet, terrified.'' Clasping onto his hand, she stopped her movement, to glance at his watery eyes so hesitantly, knowing that she would find yet more answers there within them.
Pressing his lips together in a slight pause, Jack felt his heart ache.
''You astound me. You fascinate me. I flash between wanting to save you, protect you and struggle to realise just how intimidatingly astonishing you really are.'' He wanted to add that he was smitten by her, how she made him ache, and seduced him senseless with her enigmatic beauty was so vulnerable and yet, so strong. ''I think you're a strong woman. I think you're a wonderful mother.''
That was it. He had pierced her, somehow. Somewhere. She felt deflated. Longing to continue dancing but there was a logical part of her, somewhere and it seemed to step forward into focus in that moment.
Seconds later they stop dancing, it was as though they both knew that they should stop. The shift had happened, as predicted. Barriers had been torn down. With her still encircled in his arms, holding onto his hand, he twitched and resisted every urge in his body.
''We should stop.'' She broke the momentary silence.
Nodding, deflated, Jack slowly let her go.
Hesitantly.
A small knock at the door caused them both to break apart, and it was as though a great fire had been put out and coldness was slowly seeping in, despite the warmth burning in the hearth.
''That will be Mrs. Ball.'' Rose breathed out a slow annoyance. Straightening out her dishevelled curls, she went to the door, still barefoot and opened it to find Trudy cradling Adeline in several layers of pale yellow and floral knitted blankets. Her heart immediately soared at the sight of her daughter.
''Forgive me, your ladyship, but this little angel is getting hungry.''
The soft sounds of Adeline suckling upon her fingers followed as though on queue. It was those moments. Those sounds. Those things. They were the only little lights within her darkened world at the moment.
''It's quite all right.''
Coming to Trudy, Rose placed her arms around Adeline and shifted her smoothly into her own arms. Her hesitant gaze went upwards to Jack, who she was almost afraid to see. Because just minutes ago, she had laughed in his arms and now she was standing with her daughter. As a mother. All she could do was feel how her eyes grew watery as he came to her, slowly.
Adeline's fist went into the air, followed by a gurgle of some kind. A pair of large curious eyes witnessed the face above. Possibly the first face which she had ever seen just after her birth. Jack tilted his head, not taking his eyes from the infant and how she wriggled about in her mother's arms.
''May I?''
Jack held out his left index finger and Rose could only nod as he touched it gently across Adeline's cheek. Her tired eyes grew heavy as he repeated the gesture several times, tracing his finger across the tiny, cherubic cheek and he laughed, silently.
''She's beautiful.'' Jack whispered, and Rose smiled, proudly, somehow feeling a strange kinship. A bonding of some kind. ''She's a treasure. But I bet she will be trouble.''
Another stifled giggle joined and Rose realised that Trudy was still within their presence.
''I cannot disagree there.'' Trudy had agreed, and she quickly straightened when Rose flickered her eyes over at her. "Pardon milady, forgot my place just some times."
Rose raised a brow. "I know, and whilst it's just me here I don't have a care for what you have to say whilst about me," she glanced up to Jack, watching as he tilted his head still enthralled with the infant, "or Mr. Dawson for that matter."
Jack met her gaze, turning up the corner of his lips and then he went for the door.
"It's time for me to go to bed. I think you've kept me away from my duties for too long today, your ladyship, and I know they will have doubled tomorrow and Mrs. Ball will not be pleased with my slacking."
Rose could only stand, with her daughter's weight within her arms and felt truly happy. Truly content. Truly...put together. Perhaps it was the first time in her life.
''Goodnight, Jack.''