**TW for past sexual abuse**
Chapter 2
"You're going to be late, sis." Zelena said as Regina rushed to get her morning coffee.
"I know, I know. I can't believe my alarm didn't go off today. I have three meetings this morning and more this afternoon."
"Emma?" Zelena smirked. "You've gone a full month with getting nothing out of her and you still try? You've got a crush on a patient."
"I do not." Regina grumbled, putting her coat on. "I just care. Maybe you could try caring about others one day."
"I care about you." Zelena said with a shrug, handing her sister a banana. "Breakfast."
"Thanks. See you later." The whole drive in, Regina couldn't stop thinking about Emma. She knew she was slightly obsessed, but damn it, she wanted to do more for her. The other inmates were all chatty and, other than being in prison, pretty mentally sound. Emma though, she was different, she seemed so…lost. She'd never admit it to anyone, but she was excited to see Emma today. She really hoped she could crack the woman and get her to trust her.
"Morning, Emma. The potatoes are all washed, just need them peeled."
Emma gave a nod. "Thanks."
Red sighed. "I don't push you, Emma and I never would, but you seem more down than usual in the last month." She came over and made eye contact with the younger prisoner. "I'm here."
Emma averted her eyes. "I know. Thank you. I'm fine."
Red gently touched Emma's chin, looking into her eyes again. "You're not, and it's okay. You've been here and have been quiet for so long. Emma, if you won't talk to me, try talking to the new therapist."
Emma knew Red meant well, but she was annoyed as she pulled back. "What is so wrong with not talking?" She asked, angry tears in her eyes. "Why is everyone suddenly so stuck on me not trusting people enough to talk?"
"Because if you don't, this happens, Emma. You build it all up until it has nowhere to go."
Emma took some deep breaths and schooled her features. "I'm fine, thank you."
Red sighed and nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry." She put her hands up in defeat. She then went to the kitchen office, feeling as though she went too far.
Emma sat and peeled the potatoes, her mind racing. Maybe she should talk. Maybe she should just let it all out. But really, what was the point? After breakfast, Emma went back to her cell and got her journal out. Instead of writing in it, she paged through to see if there was an entry, she wouldn't be ashamed of showing Regina.
"Swan. Time for your appointment." Guard Martina gave Emma a small smile. "Ready?"
Emma rolled her eyes, tucked her journal into her shirt and stood, gesturing that she was ready.
"Not talking today?" The guard asked as they walked down the hall.
"Is there some betting pool on who is going to get me to crack or something?"
"Not at all." She said softly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
"You didn't." Emma replied, but stayed quiet the rest of the way.
Martina knocked on the door. "I have Emma."
The door opened and Regina smiled. "Thank you guard Martina. Emma, come on in."
Emma came in and sat while Regina and the guard talked for a bit. "Just call me when you're done." Guard Martina said and closed the door as she left.
"So, Emma. How are you doing today?" Regina asked as she sat across from the blonde.
"Same as every day." Emma replied with a shrug.
Regina crossed her legs. "Did you bring your journal today?"
Emma bit her lip for a bit. "Yes, but I don't know if I want you to read it."
"That's fair. How would you feel about reading an entry to me? You can edit out anything you want."
Emma got her journal out and flipped through the pages. "I just don't know. I don't get how this will help."
Regina gave a nod and sat back. "I understand why you'd question this. The truth is, this is to see if I can get you to trust me. Emma, you've already made it clear that trust is a big issue for you; that your trust has been broken in the past. Also, as you've made it clear, you're not going anywhere, so why not try?"
Emma swallowed a few times, keeping her eyes on her journal. "What…what if I start and can't stop?"
"You're my last appointment for today; there's no rush." Regina was almost holding her breath, wondering if they were finally getting somewhere.
Emma sighed and opened the journal. "This is from the day I met you actually, well before our session. 'I can't believe it's been almost sixteen years. It's been both slow and fast, to be honest. I'm 28 now and have spent more time in here than out there. That seems…sad, really. Lily still comes every Tuesday and Thursday to visit me, and I still decline each time. I know it isn't technically her fault, but she betrayed me and I'm not sure I can ever be okay with that. Her last letter said something about her finding my biological mom and how they want to help me. Pfft, right. Any psycho can say she's my mom just to get involved in drama. How would they even know? Lily is so stupid sometimes. I do miss her though. I miss life before the home. I miss life in general." Emma sniffed and closed her journal.
"Thank you for sharing that with me, Emma." Regina said, jotting down notes. "There's a lot in that one paragraph. Is there anything you'd like to talk about before I ask any questions?"
"I'm not talking about how Lily betrayed me."
"Okay, that's fair. What's that about her finding your biological mother?"
Emma rolled her eyes. "I think its just a trap. She is using that to get me to see her."
"So, for at least the last nine years you've been here, she comes twice a week, every week, and you refuse to see her?"
"Yep."
Regina sighed, but decided to focus on something else. "What if she did really find your biological mother?"
"I'd like to know how. I was abandoned on the side of the road like trash with no birth certificate or anything that could be traced." Emma thought about her yellow baby blanket that was taken from her when she was arrested. "Do you know what would have happened to my things when I was arrested? I asked once when I was in juvie, but they told me it was a waste to worry about it since I'd be in jail for life."
Regina was surprised at both the topic change and the answer Emma had been given. "I can look into it, but I know that here, any personal items on a prisoner are taken when they're booked in. Can I ask why or if there's something specific?"
Emma gave a shrug, her face clouding over. "No. It doesn't matter. It's not like I'll ever see anything again." Emma let out a breath and sat back on the chair, her head back against the head rest. "You have no idea what it feels like to have no future. I'm sitting here wondering where my fucking baby blanket is, when I'll never be able to have it again."
"Baby blanket?"
"Yeah. When I was found, I was wrapped in a crochet blanket. I kept it through every foster home, but I haven't seen it since I was arrested."
"They wouldn't let you have a blanket?"
"Nope. Nothing personal. I'm guessing they threw it away, but I wish they'd just tell me."
"Emma, I will do my best to find out for you."
Emma opened her eyes and looked at Regina. "If I do what in return? No one does something for nothing."
"I will do this for nothing, however, if you could at the very least think about seeing Lily if she comes tomorrow, I can come with you. Emma, I know you don't get it, or you don't believe it or both, but I care about you. I see this funk you're in…"
"Funk? I've been hounded for the last month about talking when I've spent so long just getting by. I don't act how others think I should, which ha, isn't a new thing in my life, but I'm tired of everyone thinking they know how I should act or feel."
Regina put her note book down and shifted, leaning forward over her crossed legs. "Emma, you've given me so much today and I appreciate it. I am genuinely sorry if I'm making you feel like you have to act a certain way."
Emma sighed and shook her head, closing her eyes. "It's not your fault. You were right before when you said I'm not used to anyone caring about me, and honestly, I have no idea how to deal with that." She wiped at her eyes. "I also don't think I can see Lily."
"Why not?" Regina asked, biting her lip and hoping she wasn't going too far.
Emma hesitated. "I don't know if I can trust you."
Regina heard the emotion in Emma's voice and reached forward to touch her hand. "You can, Emma."
Emma kept her eyes closed, though that didn't stop the tears from falling down her cheeks. "I said I did it. I said I did, but I…I didn't do it."
Regina felt her heart skip and then pound in her chest. "Emma, are you saying you didn't kill your foster father?"
Emma shook her head. "I said I did, but I didn't." She grabbed a tissue and wiped at her face. "Is our time up?"
Though Regina really felt like this was a huge breakthrough, she couldn't push Emma. "Do you want it to be?"
"Yes and no. I want to tell you, I have this need to tell you, but I can't risk trusting the wrong person."
"Emma, what do you think is the worst that could happen if you told me the truth?"
Emma hesitated and then took a deep breath. "I could hope. Hope is the most dangerous thing to have in here."
"Hope for what?"
"That you'd believe me? That you'd…I don't know, try to help me? Not that I'd expect you to or anything like that, but you just seem like that kind of person." She opened her watery eyes and looked at Regina. "You seem like you'd try to help me, but the thing is, if I started hoping and then it all goes tits up, I don't know if I could handle it."
Regina felt her heart break for this woman. "What if I just listened, Emma? What if you finally get the truth all out there, and I just listen and support you?"
"Promise you won't give me false hope?"
"I promise." Regina did quickly look at the time. "I have no other appointments, but I do want you to know you've been here for an hour. I'm more than willing for you to stay, but I have no idea what your work schedule is."
This was Emma's out. She could easily say she had to go and just forget she ever said anything and go back to just not talking. The problem was, she finally felt like she had to let it out. She knew Red would forgive her if she was late. "Is it okay if I stay?"
"More than okay. I told Guard Martina that I would call her when you're done. Emma, would you like some water or something? I have a mini fridge with water or soda."
"I'd kill for a coke."
Regina had to hide her grin at that; most adults would ask for alcohol, but here the woman was, asking for a coke. "Sure thing."
After getting the drinks and settling back down, Emma was fidgeting in her seat. Regina smiled softly at her. "I'm in no rush. Also, not to sound cliché, but you can lay on the sofa if that helps."
"I just…can I talk with my eyes closed? Or move my chair? I can't…I can't look at you while I talk."
"Emma, you can do whatever you want to do to be comfortable. This is for your benefit, not mine."
Emma gave a nod and after shifting a few times, she let out a breath and moved to the sofa, laying down and draping an arm over her eyes. Her other hand was on her stomach, fidgeting with her uniform as she slipped her shoes off and curled her legs up on the sofa. "This is pretty comfortable, actually. After so many years in a cot, this feels like an amazing pillow."
Regina was glad Emma's eyes were closed because she frowned at her words of the sofa and cot. When had she last slept in a real bed? She never would…
"Dr. Mills?" Emma asked, peaking over.
"I'm so sorry, Emma. I was just thinking. I'm listening, so whenever you're ready."
"Where should I start?"
"That depends on you. Would you prefer to just tell me your life story or just this situation?"
Emma closed her eyes again. "Before I was 12, I had been in quite a few homes. None of them were terrible, and some were even great, but no one wanted long term kids. As you get older, you're not worth as much and foster parents know that. Why would they keep a 12-year-old if they can make double that by taking an infant? Anyway, when I was seven, I met Lily, another foster kid my age. We hit it off." Emma smiled as she remembered. "I was always small for my age and she protected me."
"Why was she in foster care?" Regina asked, trying to keep Emma talking.
"She was a lost kid like me, and like me, she was adopted as a baby, but 'sent back' when she was four because she was too much trouble for them."
"Wait, you were adopted?" Regina looked back through her notes, wondering if she missed that.
"Yes. I probably didn't tell you because I don't consider it adoption if the people give you back. They promised to love me and care for me as their own, but when they had their own, they threw me away."
Regina's heart broke even more. "I'm so sorry, Emma."
Emma shrugged. "It's not your fault, but thanks." She took a deep breath. "Anyway, Lily taught me how to stand up for myself against other kids and even some adults. We were able to stay together for about two years when the family decided they were done with foster care."
Regina noticed how Emma would say 'foster family' or 'the family' or 'foster parents' and not 'my family' or 'my parents'. "So, you would have been around nine?'
"Yes. We went to the same group home, but quickly were separated into other families. Our social workers let us keep in touch though, and when they told us they found a family that would take the both of us when we were twelve, we were so happy. Our birthdays are a day apart, so we got to celebrate our 13th together along with Ella, another foster kid we got close to. It was the first time I'd had a party for as long as I could remember, and I thought…" Emma's throat tightened, and she took a few breaths as tears fell from her eyes and into her ears because of how she was laying. "I thought I'd found home. Until that night. I'm sorry, just…give me a moment."
"There's no rush, Emma." Regina said gently and waited for the woman to compose herself.
"That night, Ella, Lily, and I were in my room when he came in. She was already in bed, but he came in and sat on mine.
"Did you girls have a nice day today?" Brandon asked them as he licked his lips.
"Yes, thank you." Emma replied as the others nodded their heads.
"You all hit a very important age you know. No longer a child, not yet a woman, just the perfect ripe age."
Emma didn't like his tone or the way he was leering at them, but Lily didn't seem to notice. "So, does that mean we get later curfews and stuff?" The brunette asked.
"Yes. Linda and I have discussed that on school nights, we still want you home right away to do homework, but on the weekend, you can stay out until 8 instead of 6."
"Awesome. Thank you."
"You three also get other responsibilities as well." He looked at each of them, taking out three little figurines. "You get to have training for when you're adults. Every day while you're at school, I will leave one of these out by the door, so you know who's turn it is. Emma, yours is the Swan, Lily, you have the dragon and Ella, yours is the pumpkin. If it is your turn, you are to make sure you're in your room, by yourself, and naked in bed by 5 so we can start the lesson as soon as I'm home. Linda knows about it, so telling her won't get you out of it. I expect you all to probably hate it at first because it's new, but in time, you'll love it."
"We had no idea what he was talking about, but none of us felt good about it. He could tell we were confused, and he seemed to like that."
"Lily and Ella, you two go to your rooms and go to bed. Tonight, is Emma's first night. Emma, don't be scared, but when I come back, I want you naked."
He then left and Emma looked at Ella and Lily. "Don't leave me."
"We have to." Lily said. "I'm sure it's going to be fine."
"Why do I have to be naked if it's fine?"
They could hear him outside and the two others stood. "I don't know but we have to go." Ella said, though Emma thought it looked like she did know what was going on.
"They left and though it made me sick, I took my pajamas off and laid under the blanket. I honestly hoped he'd forget about it and go to bed, but he didn't. The first night, he didn't do much other than touching. I can't even remember what was said, just that he kept touching me and making me touch him. Over the next few months, it got worse. I don't want to go into detail, but he'd do things to me and make me do things to him all while saying the others were better. He said that to all of us, so we knew it was just his way to try to make us want to do it. We didn't want to though; and we tried telling so many people. We told our teachers, the foster mom, the social workers, the school nurse, but no one believed us." Emma sniffed and chewed at her lip for a moment. "After about six months, Lily lost it. We came home and it was her night, but no one else was home yet. We decided we were going to run away and started packing. Unfortunately, he came home early and was livid. He took Lily into her room and all Ella and I could hear was her screaming and him yelling at her to shut up. He was really hurting her, and I couldn't just stand there. I was the one to break down the door, I was even the one who hit him in the head with a lamp, but that didn't kill him; it only stunned him. Ella…Ella had a knife. I have no idea where she got it from, but she had it and she started stabbing him. She went mad, screaming and stabbing, as I pulled Lily away from him."
"Stop! Ella, stop!" Emma yelled, holding a sobbing Lily, but the girl would not stop. Emma finally pulled Ella away, taking the knife from her and trying not to focus on how she had blood on her hands.
"We have to go." Ella said, still in a daze. "I'm going to get in trouble."
"Not if we tell them the truth."
"They never believe the truth!" Ella yelled. "Fuck! I hear the police."
"So, we say he attacked us, and you fought back."
"They won't believe that. I have a record, Emma. I got away with this once the last time I was abused, but I won't again."
Emma froze as the police came in and chaos ensued. Once they were outside, a detective was asking questions. Emma snapped out of her haze and looked at her. "I asked you who did this." Emma couldn't answer, so she looked at Lily and Ella.
Both Lily and Ella looked at Emma, but Ella let out a breath. "Lily was being attacked, so Emma defended her. Right Lily?"
Lily looked like a deer in headlights as she fought between what they were saying and the truth. "Yes." She said quietly. "Emma did it."
Every fiber inside Emma wanted to scream that it wasn't true, but the pleading in Ella's eyes had stopped her. "I…I did it."
"I had no idea I'd get the sentence I got. I was thirteen for crying out loud, I had no idea kids could get a life sentence, especially kids protecting others."
Regina sat back in her chair in shock over what she just heard. "So…she blamed you and you went with it?"
"I didn't know what else to do." Emma said sadly. "I had everyone looking at me and I just went with it. I thought they'd believe us, and it would go away, but it didn't, and now I'm here…for the rest of my life." At that, Emma finally broke down. Years of holding everything in were flooding out of her in tears and sobs.
Regina couldn't just sit there; no matter who it was crying, she could never just sit there. She went to the woman and pulled her into her arms, sitting next to her on the sofa. She rubbed her back, but never once tried to quiet her. "Let it out, Emma. For the love of everything, let it out. You've held that in for fifteen years, so please, let it all out."
After a while, Emma's sobs quietened to sniffles and she pulled back from Regina. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, Emma. That was a lot that you just let out, take your time." She watched the woman try to compose herself. "Emma, is there anyone I can call to come here? I don't feel right sending you back out there alone."
"The whole point in me seeing you was because I don't talk and don't have friends." Emma said, but then sighed. "Red."
"Red…oh right, Galina from the kitchens. When you're ready, I'll call for her to come, but there's still no rush." Regina smiled softly at Emma. "I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you for finally getting all that out."
"Don't." Emma said, pushing away. "Don't placate me with saying you're proud."
"I'm not, Emma. I am proud of you and now that I know the story, I can help you heal and recover."
"Why?" Emma stood and started pacing. "What the hell good is it going to do, Dr. Mills? I'm going to be here for the rest of my damned life! What is the point?"
"Emma, what are you feeling right now. First feeling that comes to mind."
"Scared."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I…I haven't not felt scared since this happened."
"And what if I can help you with that? I can help you to not feel scared, to not feel all the negative things you're feeling. I know you've been sentenced to life, but what if I can make that time less heavy for you?"
Emma took a moment as she gazed out the window. She knew she'd been there for a few hours now and saw people leaving their shifts for the day. Regina couldn't stay forever, and neither could she. She had to just suck it up. "I'll let you try. I don't try or intend to be hard to work with, Dr. Mills, I really don't. I just…" She teared up as her forehead leaned against the window. "I still feel like that scared thirteen-year-old girl. So much so that when I look in the mirror, it takes me a second to realize the woman looking back at me is, in fact, me. I'm not saying I'm stupid; I got my GED in juvie, I just…I…I don't know how to say it."
"You feel mentally blocked at thirteen?" Regina asked lightly. When Emma nodded, she did as well. "Emma, I'm going to get you some information, but right now, what you need to know is what you're feeling is completely normal and honestly, expected. You went through a trauma; you were molested, raped, manipulated, attacked, and accused of murder at thirteen; in a way, part of a person's brain stops developing when even one of those things happen. No, you're not stupid, you're not dumb or anything of the sort; you're simply stuck. Let me help you get un-stuck."
Emma couldn't stop her scoff. "Is un-stuck a word?"
Regina chuckled. "I don't know, but I'm making it one. Emma, now that I know the full story, there's so many resources I can use to help you. Please, keep coming to see me; I can even schedule you twice a week if you want."
"I'll keep coming." Emma agreed. "I didn't just expose myself for nothing, but I don't know if I can handle twice a week."
"Okay, then we'll keep Wednesdays, but if there's ever any time you need to see me, you come see me. I'll make sure the guards know that it's okay."
Emma nodded and turned to face Regina. "Why do you care so much? No other therapist or anyone really, has cared this much."
Regina stood next to Emma and gently put her hands on Emma's shoulders. "For far too long, people have let you slide under the radar. I believe everyone deserves to have someone care, and I'm your person. I also think Lily cares, or she wouldn't keep coming to see you only to get sent away."
Emma took a few breaths. "Would you come with me to see her if she comes tomorrow?"
"I will." Regina said with a small smile. "I think it would be a great step for you."
"Thank you."
After a bit, Emma said she was ready to go, and Regina called to have Red come.
"I'm telling you; I have to be back in the kitchen; the dinner rush is just starting." Red said to the guard as she came in. "Oh, Emma, you've been crying." The woman observed and went to the blonde. She cupped her cheeks softly. "You finally talked?" All Emma could do was nod, her eyes filling with tears. Red wrapped her arms around her and held her. "Come. I'm taking you to my office where you can wait until we go back to our bunks." She looked at Regina. "Thank you for calling for me. I've got her."
Regina could tell the woman was genuine and felt okay about letting Emma go with her. "Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow, Emma. I'm sure Lily will be here."
Emma gave a nod and went to leave, but stopped and went to Regina, hugging her. Guard Martina averted her eyes, glad someone had finally got Emma to open up. "Thank you so much, Dr. Mills."
Regina gently hugged her back. "No thanks needed. Thank you for opening up to me, Emma and for being willing to continue our sessions."
When Emma left, Regina let out a breath and sat heavily at her desk. When she had first met Emma, she had no idea if she'd even get her to talk, much less that the woman was completely innocent. She knew Emma was hopeless and as much as she wanted to give her hope, she wouldn't until she had more information and was positive things would work out. The first thing she did was call her best friend, who also happened to be one of the best lawyers. "David, I'm telling you everything. She shouldn't be here."
"She shouldn't be there even if she did do it. How the hell did this happen in the first place? What is her name? I'm going to look into this."
"Emma Swan. It happened just outside of Boston sixteen years ago."
"When she was thirteen?"
"Yes."
"Regina, those records will be close to impossible for me to get without her permission."
"David, I…she made me promise I wouldn't give her hope. I know now what she meant because if I make her think there's even a chance of her getting out and it doesn't happen, she will break. I have no idea how she hasn't broken already, but I don't want to be the one to finally break her."
"I understand, Regina. I will do everything I can do on my own first and let you know if I do need her permission."
"David, she's all alone; she can't afford a lawyer."
"Good thing I'm not charging. Regina, this is a gross misjustice all the way around and I can't not do anything about it."
Regina smiled. "That's why you're the best. You and Mary should come over for dinner this weekend."
"Sounds like a plan. I'll have Mary call you."
Regina hung up her phone and went to booking next, on a mission to give Emma something. She smiled when she got what she asked for and took it to Emma's cell. Because Emma was still in the kitchen, she left the item along with a note on her bed before getting ready to head out for the day.
"Emma, how do you feel?" Red asked as she sat in her office.
"Numb, but also…lighter in a weird way. I…it felt good to get it all out."
"Holy shit! The Swan is talking?" Came a raspy voice that caused Emma to smile lightly.
"Nicky, leave her alone." Red warned and Emma couldn't help but picture them a sort of family.
"You're like a mom, Red."
"That's why I call her mom." Nicky said with a smile. "So, sis, now that you're talking, tell me about yourself."
Emma shook her head. "I talked too much today, Nicky. Maybe another day."
"Fair enough. Everything is cleaned up, Ma."
As Emma said goodbye to Red and went to her bunk, she was surprised to see her yellow baby blanket with a note on it.
Dear Emma,
I found this in booking, and they said you can have it. I hope it brings you comfort. ~Dr. Regina Mills
Emma smiled as she lay in bed, her blanket clutched tightly in her arms. She did feel lighter, and she did think maybe now things would get easier. With Dr. Mills by her side, she could talk to Lily and work on their friendship maybe they would be okay. Hope. Emma didn't want it, but she knew she already had some.