A/N: Thanks for staying with Edward and Bella's hot mess so far. No song title inspiration for this chapter because its the bridge for chapter 6.

Chapter 5: Meet the Cullens

July 2014, after Angela's party

The way you're blasting your music in the shower wakes me up and I'm pissed. I don't know why you insist on waking up so early, being so loud, and leaving me cold. We would both be nice an toasty if you stayed in bed but no you're choosing to torture me. I toss the covers aside, curse your mom for giving birth to you, and make my way to the bathroom.

It's steamy in here and I can barely make out your silhouette behind the glass door. What I can see looks great and I'm now taking back those curses I directed towards your mom for birthing you. Thank you Esme. Your genes and the doc's did him justice. Seriously Edward's parents are hot and if Edward looks anything like the doctor does 10 years from now then he might as well just not go to college. He could walk around naked and let someone feed him grapes. UGH. I don't think straight in the morning and I don't want to address the issue of college too. Its something we've both silently agreed to not acknowledge, much like this arrangement. So I just open the glass door and step inside. Yep. No matter how this ends I won't have regrets.

You turn towards me and say, "I was wondering when you were gonna join me. I felt you staring like 2 minutes ago. Enjoy the view?", with that devastating smirk. I don't know whether I want to slap you for being so cocky or just feed your ego because it is the truth. I choose to go for the latter. My brain cells aren't functioning yet.

"You're way too sexy for me to be mad at right now. But seriously? Do you have to wake me up every time I sleep over by being loud? Can't you just be cute and bring me breakfast in bed?" I'm a bit of a grump in the morning so we both know I'm lying about that request.

"Bella if I so much as touched you to wake you up for anything, you'd slap me or pour the coffee on my face. Its much safer to wake you up through noise than to enter that danger zone."

"Valid point. I do want coffee ASAP though. Its time for me to grace the baristas with my lovely hangover look. They live for that shit. The revolving door of hot messes? Its like being at the zoo for them"

"Love, you're talking like I haven't watched you do this same routine every weekend for years. I would never deprive them of whatever mess you'll get yourself into while there."

I just grunt as a response. Seriously. I'm too hungover and my body is aching. I just want to shower fast so I reach for the bottle of shampoo and do my thing. We pretty much shower in silence before I remember what we have to do next weekend.

I'm smiling when I say, "Alice wants us to go visit her and meet Jasper next weekend. You down? I really miss her. Yeah we text and call but its just not the same. I need my ride or die". You just smile back and say "yeah" but then I see the hesitation on your face.

I'm shooting you down before you can even verbalize what that hesitation is for. "Don't even think about it. She'll be too dramatic. We can't tell her. She'll either blame me for having no self control and corrupting your innocence, which we all know you don't have anyways. Or she'll think it's something more. She won't understand that its just what it is. Its not like we're in love with each other". I'm laughing by the end of that rant.

"Seriously Edward, I don't picture her being happy about me casually fucking her brother. The whole "Bella is a member of this family" thing will have her screaming incest. Just spare my ear drums and yours."

I see you pause to think about it a bit and there's a look on your face I can't really recognize. Years later I'll know what it was.

"Yeah good point. Plus she'd kill me over you any day. Its sibling code you know? Don't go after my bestfriend."

The rest of our shower is silent but not uncomfortable. That's what I love about you. Even when we're addressing taboo topics you always feel like home. There's no awkwardness. We get dressed and I tell you that you're my bestfriend too before I slide into the passenger seat. Its Starbucks time and that's the most you'll get out of me emotional confession wise.

Unfortunately, today is an uneventful day at Starbucks for me. I'm not yelling at someone for yelling at the baristas. We just grab our coffees and head back to the house. Brunch time with the Cullens is on the agenda and even if I didn't sleep over I would still be there for brunch. Its tradition. We walk into the kitchen around noon and Esme's just finishing up the eggs. Meanwhile, Carlisle is just reading the paper and drinking a mimosa. I love this family. I plop my ass down next to Carlisle and he pours one for me too. As soon as everyone's situated we'll call Alice because even if she's not here, she's still here.

Edward helps his mom bring over the eggs, pours both of them drinks, and then sits next to me. Once Esme's taken a sip I call Alice. It literally only rings once before she answers.

"B! I MISS YOU. YOU'RE COMING RIGHT? TELL ME YOU'RE COMING AND DRAGGING OUR LITTLE SIDEKICK WITH YOU! Oh and hey mom. Hi dad."

Esme just snorts into her drink and says "Alice darling. I love you but you're treating me like a cum rag. You're just kicking me to the side."

Carlisle, that dirty man, just says "Yeah Alice. I helped make you. You were about to be on a speck on a cum rag, but nooo I thought 'lets have a child'".

I'm literally wheezing at this point and Edwards shaking his head. Have I mentioned that his parents are crude? Normally the wealthy have a filter but not these two. One time Alice and I were gushing about the new CunninLynguists album over dinner and I shit you not Carlisle yelled "Cunnilingus?! That's what I did to your mom last night. She loved it". Esme just smirked in the corner at us. She's posh and filthy, even with just a look. I guess that's where Edward gets it from. He has his moms dirty smirk.

All in all, that's why I'm freaking out internally. I keep feeling like Esme knows and if she knows then Carlisle knows. Then I'm gonna be mid sip and spraying everywhere when she asks me how long Edward's been playing hide the snake me. But I'll forgive them if they do because I really do love them and they basically raised me.

I put an end to this shit show of jokes on the phone before it gets too graphic and tell Alice we're coming and can't wait to meet Jasper. Then I throw the phone across the table before she can let out her screams of excitement. The sound of the phone landing on the table is definitely loud enough for her to hear cause after her scream I hear "You dirty slut."

I choose that exact moment to make eye contact with Edward and his gaze lingers up and down my face. I turn away before I start going into heat. Yeah she's got that right. I'm playing dirty slut to your little bro.

Brunch is over once we're all decently drunk. Esme and Carlisle kick us out to go off and do the nasty, so we dip into the pool house as fast as we can. They're hot so I get why they want to pounce the second the kids are gone. Esme's got beautiful caramel hair, deep green eyes, pouty lips, and great cheekbones. Not to mention she's got the whole California MILF thing going for her: sun-kissed skin, a smoking figure, and a mischievous smirk. Carlisle is the definition of a DILF too. He's doctor DILF if you ask him. Fucking disturbing, but if you had blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and could pass as Brad Pitt's twin would you deny it? No. You'd stick your medical degree title in front of your DILF label. But they're literally my only functional set of parents and you really don't want to witness what's about to happen. One time it involved Esme pulling a pretty woman on the piano and us screaming.

We decide to have a Netflix marathon and watch Weeds. Our legs are entangled and you're playing with my hair. Its entirely normal and how its been before we started fucking. You really are my other best friend and I love everything about you. That was simply enough for me.