Peter must've stayed on the bathroom floor for at least an hour before the sound of footsteps in the hallway caught his attention. From the uneven gait and the two distinct heartbeats, Peter knew exactly who was walking towards his room. One of the heartbeats was the sound the Peter secretly craved to hear more often than he had the chance to nowadays. No matter how hurt or angry Peter might've been, the sound of Tony's heartbeat always brought him a sense of security. It made him feel like there was nothing that could knock him down whenever it was present.
The heartbeat sounding in his ears wasn't enough to stop him from pulling his knees further into his chest so he could bury his face into them. The tears have long since faded away, but the sticky remains of tear tracks made his senses cringe every time he sniffled. The mini breakdown brought back a resounding headache, but Peter found no energy to care at that point. The dam that had pushed back so many negative emotions and feelings had broken, and every single thing that he had been holding back just broke through.
He had tried so hard to be happy for everyone around him. May had been so thrilled to have a second chance with him that Peter didn't want to steal any joy from her. Peter had put May through five years of living hell all because he had died on a planet in space. Logically Peter knew that it hadn't been his fault, but the fact that May had been left alone to face the grief of losing him... it was hard for Peter not to blame himself. May had felt that way because of him. Also, May had found the perfect happy family with George and Alex, and the last thing that anyone had needed was for Peter's rocky mental state to bring it down.
Ned, the one person who suffered just as much as Peter ever since half of the universe returned from being dusted. Ned's family had survived while he had perished and that five year gap had taken a toll on the other boy. Peter had tried so hard to pull himself together for the sake of comforting his best friend that he had continued to bury himself further and further into a void that he couldn't escape from.
Then there was Tony and that was where everything just fell apart. Peter wasn't sure when he had started to see Tony as a father figure rather than a mentor. At first, when Tony had first recruited him, Peter had been unabashedly starstruck to be working alongside the famous Iron Man. After Berlin, Peter had been so set on impressing the older man, keen to prove to Tony that Peter was more than just a random kid from Queens. After the Vulture incident, Tony had started inviting Peter over for lab days once a week and they just grew closer. Once a week turned into twice a week and then into three times a week. Eventually, Peter got used to spending the weekends over at the Compound.
It wasn't just the lab days that Peter had looked forward to, but it was also spending time with Tony. They would make nerdy science jokes to one another until they got too cringey and Peter bent over laughing. Peter would ramble on and on about what was happening at his school, or the random events that happened whenever he patrolled. What was nice though, was that Tony never seemed to mind him talking his ear off, and the billionaire might've acted like his pop culture references were annoying, but Peter never missed the amused glint in his eyes.
When Peter came back and found out that Tony didn't even live at the compound anymore, it had been a small little rough patch in the road. Then Peter found out about Morgan and it felt like a slap to the face, or better yet, a kick to reality. Suddenly there were no more lab days after school or on the weekends because Tony Stark just wasn't there anymore. He did everything from his cabin, and if things were vital then he'd stop by the compound and that was it. There were no more text messages between the two of them because Tony never had a reason to call him over to the lab anymore. And when he did, it was canceled more often than not because of Morgan or because of Pepper.
Peter had tried so hard to convince himself that he was furious with Tony for kicking him to the curb, but the truth was that Peter missed him more than anything in the world. Tony had been there when shit hit the fan. He had been there when Peter had faded away. He had been the last person that Peter had held before he crumpled to ash.
Peter shuddered at the memory of his body falling apart. It wasn't that it had been painful because it hadn't been. It was so disorienting to feel every atom in his body falling apart with no way to stop it. If Peter had been honest with himself, it had made it even more traumatizing because it had felt like he was being dragged under water to his doom and there was no one to save him from drowning.
Muffled voices were talking to one another in the hallway, but Peter just blocked out the noise and curled further into himself. A knock sounded on his door, and Peter just bit his lip. He knew he could escape if he wanted to, but Peter just didn't have the energy anymore. His bedroom door creeped open and Peter heard the familiar footsteps approach where he was sitting with his back to the wall across from the sink. He didn't dare look up at the person in front of him, and instead just sat there with his knees curled to his chest and his face buried safely from view.
"Oh, kid," Tony's sad voice made Peter curl impossibly tighter into a human pretzel.
A weight came to settle beside him and a hand rested above his shoulder before slowly coming to rest on the back of his neck. Peter remembered he once told Tony that a pressure on the back of his neck was one of his grounding techniques. When he was younger, Uncle Ben used to always tug him close with a firm comforting pressure on his neck whenever he had a nightmare about his parents. It helped ground him in the present because it felt like someone was there and would never let him slip into the grips of the dark abyss.
"I know I'm not the best at these talks, but you gotta tell me what's going on," Tony's quiet voice was a mix between stern and gentle.
Peter bit his lip, his head still buried in the security of his his legs.
Tony sighed, the grip on the back of his neck tightened slightly, but not in a painful manner. Peter couldn't help but push back into the grip, letting it remind him that he was safe.
Finally, Peter just deflated. "I'm sorry," He croaked, his voice hoarse in a way that made his throat ache.
"You don't have to apologize," Tony's soft voice was pulling on the last of Peter's emotional control. "Not for this."
Peter was silent for a moment before saying, "I'm not okay."
"I know, Pete, I know."
"I tried so hard to be okay," Peter's breath hitched. "Why can't I be okay?"
Tony didn't say anything, but instead just pulled Peter towards him so that his upper half was curled against Tony's chest and Peter could tuck his head under the older man's chin. Tony's arms wrapped around him firmly, anchoring Peter to the present as if he was trying to ward off the negative thoughts that raged inside Peter's head.
"You're allowed to not be okay," Tony told him.
Peter just sniffled and let himself be held by the one person who he craved contact with the most ever since he came back. The silence between the two of them wasn't uncomfortable, and Peter didn't know if he was thankful that Tony wasn't pushing his fresh wounds or if he wished Tony would say anything to take the pain away. In the end he settled on the former because he knew that there was nothing anyone could say to bring back his pre-snap self, no way for that happiness to just magically reappear.
When his eyes grew heavy, he was faintly aware of Tony shaking him gently.
"Come on, Pete, let's get you to bed," Tony coaxed him. When Peter didn't respond, Tony sighed in defeat. "I'm getting too old for this."
Trapped between the realm of consciousness and dreams, Peter felt himself become airborne before being carefully laid down on a much comfier surface. A weight settled down to his left and a hand ran through his hair. Just as the person was about to leave, Peter felt himself reach out and grab Tony's arm. In his half asleep daze, the last thing he wanted was for him to be alone.
"Come on, kid, you gotta let go," Tony tried to pry Peter's fingers off of him.
Peter knew he should've let go, but he was too tired to put energy into anything. Plus, the sound of Tony's heartbeat was enough for him to slip under waves of unconsciousness. Just before he drifted off, he was faintly aware of someone laying beside him.
The first thing Peter realized when he woke up was that there was sunlight streaming through his bedroom windows, and it was way too bright for it to be early in the morning. The second thing that he realized was that he felt refreshed, and that must've meant he slept straight through the night. The third thing he realized was that he was completely alone.
Over the course of the next few moments the events from last night washed over him like a tidal wave. Almost immediately a wave of embarrassment washed over him. He had broken down in front of Sam, Steve and Bucky, the three people who were doing their best to help him feel better. On top of all that, he had a sensory overload yesterday in front of Ned and Harry, one of which had no idea what had been happening. To put the cherry on top, Peter showed his true colors and revealed how broken he truly was on the inside.
At least it's out in the open, Peter blinked as he stared at the ceiling. I just don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing.
Reaching out to the side, Peter grabbed his phone off of the nightstand and flicked it on. Right away, he saw missed calls from Ned, Harry, Alex and May, followed by several worried text messages. The next thing that he noticed was that it was well into the afternoon, and Peter was pleasantly surprised that he had slept that long, especially with no hint of a nightmare.
Pressing on his aunt's contact, Peter dialed her number and brought the phone to his ear.
"Peter," She answered gleefully.
Peter smiled slightly at just hearing his aunt's soothing voice, "Hey, Aunt May."
"How are you feeling? Tony said you had a rough night."
"I slept through the night, so I guess that's something," Peter replied. "Can't remember the last time I slept over twelve hours without some sort of a nightmare."
"What about your senses?"
"They're better," Peter answered truthfully. "Guess I was overdue, huh?" The bitterness in his town made him cringe.
"I wouldn't say overdue," May protested. "They rarely came up unless something was going on."
Peter closed his eyes at May's knowing tone. "May..."
"I know I said I didn't want to push you," May began gently. "I've tried giving you space, I thought maybe you'd feel more comfortable coming to me when you were ready, but this has gone on way too long, Peter."
"I know."
"This isn't a conversation we should be having over the phone, but we really do need to sit down and talk about this. Just me and you, one on one."
"I think I'm ready," Peter admitted,but he still couldn't tell if he was trying to convince her or himself.
"We'll get through this, just like we always do, that I can promise you wholeheartedly."
Peter's heart warmed at that. Oddly enough, he believed her. "I love you, May."
"I love you too, sweetie," May returned fondly. "I have to run, but give me a buzz when you get home? I called you out of school for the day, and we can talk about tomorrow too later tonight."
"What did you say to George and Alex?" Peter wondered.
May paused for a moment before saying, "Alex was worried. He didn't press the issue, but he kept asking about you."
Peter bit his lip, "Do you think he knows something?"
"I don't know, sweetie, it's hard to tell with him," May said kindly. "He said he'd pick up your homework for you and asked if you could call him when school got out."
"What about George?" Peter asked again.
"I just told them that something happened and you were with Tony. I think they understand more than we think."
"Do you think I should tell them?"
"That's for you to decide, Peter. I don't want to push you in any direction you're not comfortable with. If you feel it right when the time does come, then maybe one day yes. Until then, you need to do what's best for you, even if that means holding it close to your chest. Everything else? You have to remember not to shut everyone out again, you did that once before and it didn't go very well for either of us."
Peter's heart ached at the implication of his uncle's death. "His anniversary's next week."
May sighed, "Crappy timing, right?"
"I still miss him so much," Peter's eyes stung at that admission.
"I miss him too, and that's never going to change," May's sympathetic tone was oddly soothing. "I really need to go, but I'll give you a call when my shift ends, alright?"
"Okay," Peter agreed.
"Take it easy today, and hopefully I'll see you tonight?"
"I'll be home," Peter promised. "Bye, May."
May hung up and Peter closed his eyes for a moment before scrolling through some of the missed messages.
N: How are you doing?
N: Happy said you were out of it when he dropped you off. I gave Alex your classwork, I keep forgetting you're technically not an only child anymore.
N: Are you mad? I didn't mean to tell Harry about the Stark Internship.
N: Are you still out of it? It's never been this bad before.
Peter saw that the last text was sent an hour ago and Peter felt guilty for leaving his friend unread for so long.
P: Thanks for the school stuff.
P: I'm fine. Last night was rough.
P: My ego's long gone, but at least I'm alive.
He read Harry's messages next.
H: Are you okay?
H: What's going on? Ned mentioned something about anxiety attacks?
H: Also what the hell? You're Tony Stark intern? How could you possibly withhold such epic information?
H: You're not at school today and Ned's as jittery as a jitterbug. He keeps mentioning that it's never been this bad before. Do we need to be worried?
H: I don't wanna be pushy, and I don't want to stick my nose where it isn't welcome. I'm worried, dude, please answer us.
Peter breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that Ned saved his ass with that reason for his freakout at school. Ned wasn't entirely wrong, his sensory overloads are essentially anxiety attacks on steroids.
P: I'm really sorry, it's been a rough twenty four hours. I'm okay, sometimes the episodes just drain all of my energy.
P: I'll explain everything, I didn't mean to worry you.
Then there was Alex.
A: What happened? People keep saying you collapsed in the hallway this morning.
A: Where are you? What's going on?
A: Ned said Tony's driver picked you up from school?
A: May called me and said you're okay. I don't know what's going on, but just know I'm here if you need me.
A: Ned gave me your school stuff. Get some rest and take it easy. Dad also wants to send his well wishes.
Peter felt absolutely awful to make Alex panic over his wellbeing. He hated lying to his face too, especially when Alex had been with him every step of the way since he's been back.
P: I'm okay. Give me a call when school gets out.
Peter didn't know what else to say so he just sent the text and put his phone down. Part of him wanted to suit up and escape the inevitable confrontation that he would find himself in if he were to leave the safety of his room. It was one thing to have everything out in the open, but having to face the aftermath was more intimidating than Peter wanted to admit. He wasn't overly fond of having people see him crumbling under weight of the new world, he was a superhero and superheroes were supposed to be strong.
You know that's a lie, The traitorous part of Peter's brain chimed in. Heroes have their own baggage on their shoulders. No need to add yours just because you're too weak to handle it.
Peter would be lying to himself if he didn't admit that a small weight had been lifted off his chest. It had been so hard trying to keep everything he had been feeling inside. He had tried so hard to be the happy Peter Parker that everyone expected him to be. He had tried so hard to be appreciative of the second chance he had been given.
Just because you try doesn't mean you'll always succeed. Peter sat up and ran a hand through his hair.
The deciding factor of Peter's mental debate of whether to leave or stay was his stomach growling. The sound was a mere reminder of Peter not having a solid meal in over twenty four hours. The breakfast he had before his episode was left half eaten and then the dinner he had tried to eat last night had been brought back up due to unwanted memories and thoughts clouding his mind.
Maybe if I get lucky I can get in and out with no one noticing. Peter sighed at that. That's wishful thinking.
Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, Peter slowly got to his feet, welcoming the cool sensation form the tile floors. Walking over to the dresser of his bedroom, Peter found a pair of spare charcoal grey sweatpants and a navy blue long sleeve shirt. After pulling on the articles of clothing, Peter left the safe haven of his bedroom and began his journey towards the kitchen. Every step felt like the hallway was getting longer and longer, as if he was destined to walk for the rest of eternity. A pit of dread was resting in his stomach and it made his appetite fade away, but Peter knew he was going to have to force down something if he wanted to avoid a dizzy spell later on.
He knew that he was being dramatic, there really was no reason to be so worked up about anything. His heart was telling him that none of the Avengers would judge him for falling against the weight of trying to cope with his five year gap, but his brain was telling him that he was selfish for being so broken. He was selfish to take his second chance at life for granted. That selfishness was nothing but a burden to everyone else who had to deal with his depressed ass.
Peter decided to take the stairs rather than the elevator in a further attempt to avoid bumping into anyone. If he had taken the elevator he would've had to pass through the living area where he knew at least one of the Avengers were hanging out. By taking the stairs, he would walk straight into the kitchen with no detours.
However, when he emerged at the bottom of the stairs, he saw that Steve was at the kitchen table, drinking from a coffee mug while reading something on a tablet.
Why did it have to be the super solider? Peter mentally cursed as Steve's head snapped up at Peter's approaching footsteps.
Steve looked tired, and Peter wondered if he had played a part in that. He decided not to dive too much into that thought because it made him feel more guilty than he already did.
"I'd say good morning, but I guess it's not really morning," Steve broke the silence.
Peter could tell the older man was trying to keep his concern off his face, but he failed miserably. "I guess it's not." He walked over to the kitchen and opened up the cabinet where his special protein bars were.
"There's leftover pancakes and waffles in the fridge if you wanted that instead," Steve chimed in.
Peter's shoulders stiffened at that, but the mention of real food sparked his waning appetite. Closing the cabinet, Peter walked over to the freezer and saw that there was a plate of pancakes and waffles that seemed to have been made for him.
"Did you put a plate together?" Peter was oddly touched.
When Peter glanced over at the super solider, he saw a blush spread across his face. "Figured you needed all the fuel you could get."
Peter was speechless, "Thank you." He walked over and put the plate in the microwave to heat it up.
"How are you feeling?" Steve broke the awkward silence. "I mean your senses. Coming from experience, I know the cliche question doesn't necessarily help with the other stuff."
"The senses are fine," Peter told him. He bit his lip before he said, "Thank you, for looking after me yesterday, you didn't have to do that."
"Peter..." Steve's rueful voice made Peter turn around to look at him. "You have to know that we don't mind, right?"
Peter's gaze dropped to his feet and that must have given the blonde his answer.
"I get them too sometimes," Steve tried a different approach. "I know what it's like for your senses to overwhelm you to the point where it's too painful to even consider living. I also know what it's like to think of it as a weakness, but I can tell you that it's not. Especially if you have a team who's willing to show you otherwise."
The microwave beeped and Peter turned back around, eager for a reason to break visual contact with Steve.
He heart Steve sigh remorsefully. "All of our powers come at a price, there's no way around it. There are days where we can live and smile and feel like we're on top of the world. Then there are days that really kick us to the curb and it's a reality check. You can't stay there for long, Pete, not if you want to get dragged too far where you can't find your way back to the surface."
"Why do I have a feeling we're not just talking about our enhanced senses anymore?" Peter asked quietly.
Steve was silent for a moment before he said, "You're allowed to not be okay."
Peter took the plate from the microwave and placed it down a little too harshly on the counter. This was the exact conversation he wanted to avoid.
"I won't dig too deep, not yet," Steve continued. "I just wanted to let you know I'm here if you ever needed me. No questions asked."
"Why?" Peter asked, feeling his hands start to shake again.
"Because believe it or not, I genuinely do care about you. Not just as Spider-Man, but as Peter Parker too." The chair scratched against the floor as Steve stood up. "Tony's downstairs in his workshop. He wants to speak with you before you leave."
"I don't know if I want to," Peter confessed.
"Trust me, kid, you really should." Those were the last words he heard before Steve's footsteps faded away, leaving Peter alone with a stray tear falling down his face.
Was it god? Was it bad? Feel free to let me know!