For the next hour, Peter watched Tony as he dove into some of the upgrades that he had proposed for Peter's new suit. Some of these upgrades included a fireproof parachute, further enhanced eyepieces to aid in making Peter's increased senses easier to hone to his advantage, and other adjustments to make Peter's organic webs more accessible without being limited due to the suit.
"I actually wanted to talk to you about that," Peter had told Tony when he brought it up. "I was thinking that maybe I can have web shooters still, but have them feed off the organic webs? It was just useful to have the different web combinations, and it would be a shame to throw all of that away because the webs aren't synthetic anymore."
Needless to say, the two of them got lost in the challenge of developing a model for Peter's new organic web-shooters. It had been a challenge, but Peter welcomed the distraction. One thing that he had always loved about his lab time with Tony before the Snap was the mutual content silence that rested among them when they worked side by side on the same project. There would be the occasional request for a tool that Peter would hand over or the discussion of altering the model as they worked on it. It felt strangely like a form of a lifeline for him, and it took him too long to realize how much he had missed this when the two of them became distant.
It's ironic, isn't it? Peter wondered. You get close to Tony but now you're distant from Ned. It sort of feels like I traded one in for the other in some cruel way.
The mere thought of the other boy still made Peter feel as if his stomach had twisted itself into a knot. There was a time when the two of them could read each other like a book, and it had been impossible to keep a secret from one another. Spider-Man had been an anomaly with everything, but Peter was certain he got away with that particular secret because Spider-Man and Peter Parker had essentially been two different people back then. Peter Parker had been the poor kid whose uncle had been murdered in cold blood the summer before the beginning of his freshman year of high school. Spider-Man, on the other hand, was a symbol of hope, a wanna-be hero that had just wanted to find some sort of way to stop people from feeling the pain that he had felt when someone that he loved had been taken away from him with in a blink of an eye...
Ned just felt like a stranger to him nowadays, and Peter hated everything about it. Ned, the type of person who hated to lie to people he cared about, had done exactly that. Ned, the most open-minded person on the entire planet, had dug immorally into the past of someone who was struggling to pick up the pieces of their life because he had been worried about that person taking away his best friend away from him. Peter would give anything for everything happening between them to be a whacked-out nightmare, but he had never been that lucky. This was reality, and Peter just had to find some way to accept that.
"Peter?"
Tony's voice caused him to jump as he was startled back to reality.
"Easy, kid," Tony's calm voice washed over him.
Peter looked over to see the worried eyes of his mentor.
"What's going on?" Tony asked.
Peter shook his head, turning back to the blueprints in front of him. "Nothing, I'm fine."
"You want to try and say that more convincingly?" Tony didn't sound impressed.
Peter sighed, "It's fine, my thoughts just wandered."
Tony was quiet for a moment as Peter swiped his hand across the hologram blueprint of his web shooters.
"You can come to me for anything, you know that, right?" Tony told him quietly.
Peter's shoulders tensed as they stayed on this topic. "Tony, drop it."
"When you say it like that, it really doesn't make me want to drop it," Tony crossed his arms stubbornly.
Peter gritted his teeth in frustration. "I'm not some broken glass you need to look after. I'm not going to shatter."
"I never said that," Tony denied.
"No, but your eyes do," Peter looked over to meet Tony's gaze.
"Considering you're acting extremely pissed off, I'm taking it that you had a crappy day. Who'd you fight with?"
"What are you? My therapist?"
"That's not fair and you know it, kid," Tony actually sounded hurt.
Peter's eyes closed as a wave of guilt washed over him. Tony didn't deserve that, he wasn't the source of Peter's problems for once. "You're right. I'm sorry."
"Do you really not want to talk about it?" Tony asked. "I'll drop it if you're really that adamant about it."
"It's nothing bad," Peter promised. "Not that way at least. It's just Ned."
"You and Ned are still fighting?" Tony inquired curiously.
"He lied to me Tony," Peter ran a hand down his face as he leaned against the workbench. "And I mean, sure, people lie all the time, but this is different. This one hurt."
"Have you tried to talk to him?"
"I tried, but it didn't work out." Peter revealed, a mixture of sadness and frustration washed over him. The sadness of Ned and MJ's existing friendship while Peter struggled to get over MJ. The sadness of what's become of him and Ned. Frustration in that they felt entitled to sneak around behind his back like he didn't matter to them. Frustration in that all of those years of friendship with Ned seemed to be slipping through his fingers with no way for Peter to stop it. "And all of it is because MJ decided Ned was worth her time, and threw to the side like yesterday's garbage. My best friend of 8 years, lying to my face about the one thing he knew would feel like a stab to my back."
Tony's face crumbled. "Kid..."
"I should've seen it coming," Peter clenched his fists to stop them from shaking. "She just has no idea... She ripped my heart out of my chest because she didn't have the guts to face me after everything... And Ned just let himself be put in that situation..."
"Peter," Tony's eyes were sad.
"And the thing is? I feel so many mixed emotions about it," Peter exclaimed in frustration. "I feel like I should be happy for Ned because he didn't lose a friend like I did. I feel like I should feel sympathy for MJ because she went through hell and back, something that I didn't even have to face in the same way. But I'm so damn hurt about how they went about it. I feel like my blood is just simmering and I can't let it out because the last time I got angry..." Peter's voice cracked.
"You keep saying that, but that's no motto to live by. You can't keep that anger in, kid," Tony told him. "It does ugly things when it gets bottled up."
"Don't you understand? People like me don't get to be angry. I can't afford to be angry," Peter hysterically croaked.
"That's not true..." Tony protested once more.
Haven't we already had this conversation before? Why can't he just see it and understand it for the way it is? "I can't be angry, Tony," Peter repeated. "The last time I got angry I got my Uncle Ben killed!"
Tony froze at the outburst, his face in complete shock. "Kid..."
"And don't tell me it isn't true," Peter's voice was wrecked. "Do you know the last words that I ever said to him?" Tony opened his mouth to speak, but Peter cut him off. "I told him to stop pretending he was my father. I had my powers for one month and I got selfish and he was giving me a lecture that I didn't want to face because I knew it was true... I ran, Tony, and I was so damn angry. And he came looking for me. He was out that night looking for my angry and selfish ass and he got shot because of me. So, no, I can't afford to be angry. When I get angry, people around me, people I care about, they get hurt, or worse... they get killed. And I can't lose anyone else right now, because if I do I don't know if I can survive that pain..." Peter's voice broke and the single tear that ran down his face caused his sensitive skin to crawl. He lifted his hand to wipe the offending liquid away from his face out of frustration.
"Peter, what happened to your uncle... that wasn't your fault," Tony repeated, his quiet voice was sad. "It was a messed up situation, but it wasn't your fault."
"You keep saying that, but how am I supposed to believe that?" Peter wondered bitterly. "He told that with great power comes great responsibility. People like me don't get to be angry because I can't let that monster out, Tony."
"There's a difference between emotional anger and physical anger," Tony said, but Peter refused to look Tony in the eyes. "You're allowed to feel hurt, and you're allowed to stand up for yourself when someone does something wrong. I know how scary it is to feel like you have enough pent anger that could destroy everything you've built. It is so tempting to let it consume you, but you're terrified to give in to it fully. You need to find a way to channel it because if you don't it's just going to destroy you."
"You say that as if it's easy."
"Fine, then let me ask you this. The anger you're feeling... Is it really towards Ned and MJ, or is it towards something else?"
"I don't even know anymore," Peter confessed. "I feel like I've been trying to fool myself into thinking so many different things for so long. I still don't know what to believe and what is just wishful thinking."
"You want to know what I believe?" Tony offered.
"Do I have a choice?"
Tony just shot him a knowing look. "I believe that you got dealt a bad hand, kid, and I wish I could find a way to mend all of that pain, but I can't. I believe it's easy to fall into the trap of treading water when you think the water is calm enough to keep your head above water, but in reality, it's just a matter of time until you're going to drown. Most of all, though, I believe in you and what I know of you. You're the strongest person I know, kid, and you've got one hell of a support system that will help you if you let us."
"How can I find the strength to believe in something that just feels like a dream I can readily lose?" Peter wondered hollowly.
"Sometimes you just have to take the leap, even when it seems scary to do so," Tony placed a hand on the side of Peter's neck to guide his face upwards so their gazes met.
Why is it that every time I feel like I'm doing better, things just keep coming back to this? Peter felt resigned as the tears broke free.
Tony saw the hurt in Peter's eyes and his face crumpled. "Come here, Pete," he said as he pulled Peter into a comforting embrace.
Peter let himself be guided into the arms of his mentor, the billionaire's head coming to rest on top of Peter's head and Peter just closed his eyes to reign in his emotions, his shoulders shaking slightly from the suppressed sobs that wanted to consume him.
You're stronger than you'll ever know, Peter, Uncle Ben's voice flashed in his mind. Even when you don't feel it, that strength lives within you. It never truly goes away, even if it wants to hide. So when things get hard...
"Take a sad song and make it better," Peter finished the thought aloud and smiled sadly at the bittersweet memory.
Tony made a confused noise. "What?"
Peter, who realized that he spoke aloud just hid his face in the crook of Tony's neck in embarrassment. "Just a memory. Uncle Ben was very famous for his Beatles references."
Tony chuckled at that, "Well, I can't say that's my usual style, but wise. I respect that."
Peter returned that comment with a silent laugh, but before he could say anything else, a weight rammed into his legs and he stumbled back from Tony in surprise. He suppressed the overwhelming urge to give into his fight or flight mode when he saw the bundle of brown hair that had molded itself against his legs.
"Morgan," Tony chided her gently with a mix of amusement and disapproval in his voice.
"Petey!" She exclaimed happily.
Peter looked up at Tony in bewilderment. "Petey?" He mouthed at him.
Tony just shook his head in amusement. "Don't ask." The billionaire mouthed back quietly. "Give Peter his legs back, little miss."
"But he's finally here!" She looked up at Peter and the teen was blown away at the innocent chocolate brown eyes that were a mirror image of her father's. Her face showed her excitement and a genuine spark of curiosity lingered in her expression.
"It's okay," Peter told Tony and gently maneuvered Morgan away from him so he could crouch down in front of her. "You must be the famous Morgan I've heard so much about."
"Daddy calls me his little princess," She grinned goofily.
Peter chuckled at the child's antics. "So he does. Well then, your highness, it is a dream come true."
"Are you really staying?" She asked. "I have so many things I have to show you!"
"Really?" Peter morphed his face into a convincing curious expression, but his stomach was knotting the more he took in how much Morgan resembled the perfect combination of Pepper and Tony. He felt guilty at feeling slightly nauseous from this minor interaction. Morgan didn't deserve that, not because of him. "What kind of things?"
"My teddy bear collection!" Morgan was essentially vibrating with energy.
"Maybe after dinner," Tony told her. "Dinner should be ready soon."
"It won't take long, I promise!" She pleaded with her father.
Tony sent Peter a pleading look and Peter felt himself smile at the "Please help me" expression on his mentor's face. "How about this?" Peter offered. "After dinner, you can show me all of the teddy bears, and we don't have to worry about having to stop?"
Morgan's eyes sparked mischievously, "Pinky promise?" She held out her hand.
Peter returned the gesture, "I promise."
Dinner was a chore if Peter had to be completely honest with himself. The food that Pepper had cooked was absolutely fantastic, but all of the questions that were thrown his away about his life made everything taste like ash. He knew Pepper and Morgan meant well and that they were genuinely curious about his past, but the past and Peter had a complicated relationship nowadays. Tony had pitched in when he could, taking pity on him whenever he saw Peter getting overwhelmed with Morgan's constant questions. In a way, he had to admit that he was flattered that Morgan thought so highly of him despite having never met him in person until that evening.
After dinner, as promised, Morgan took him up to her room so that Peter could sit in front of the wooden bench against the far wall of the bedroom that housed at least a dozen teddy bears stacked up neatly in a row. It was rather fascinating to hear the stories behind all of the bears' names. Morgan was definitely quite intellectually advanced for a six-year-old, and it made him sad that the younger girl didn't hold as much of that child-like innocence as he had initially thought.
Dewdrop was a blue-gray teddy bear that was wearing an eye patch. It had been Morgan's first teddy bear that she had got when she was four. She had gotten a hold of some of Tony's gadgets from the off-limits shed and it resulted in a scratched eye and a rather fancy eyepatch. Tony had felt so guilty afterward that he had bought her the teddy bear as a gift and Morgan's only request had been for the bear to have a matching eyepatch and Tony made it happen.
Then there had been Chocolate Chip, Teddy, Apple, and Cinnamon. The names got slowly more meaningful to reality as Morgan went down the line, and in a way, it showed how much she had matured in the span of just two years. The most recent one, however, was a cherry red teddy bear with a spotted white and black snout with beady brown eyes that seemed to know exactly what you were thinking.
"This is Peter," Morgan told him sadly, the little girl using Peter's full name and the teen felt his heart skip a beat. "I heard Daddy talking to Mommy one day and he was really sad. For the first time, I learned that I had a brother, at least that's what Daddy told me. He always said that you loved me, and you would protect me whenever I felt hurt or sad. He talked about you a lot, but I wanted to meet you one day. I dreamed about it often. When I saw him I knew, and he's been the last one I got. Once I found you, I didn't need anymore."
Peter felt tears return to his eyes at the revelation, and he didn't know what to think. He said you were my brother... "Morgan..."
"I was always confused why you never came home," Morgan hugged the bear to her chest. "I asked Daddy if we could visit you, but he said you were asleep and he didn't know when you would wake up. He tries to hide things, but I knew he meant that you were dead."
Peter looked up at her from where he was sitting on the floor, the tears close to falling from his eyes. "I never wanted to hurt you."
"It's not your fault," Morgan sniffled. "Daddy said a bad guy hurt a lot of people and that he and his friends fixed it. I'm just happy you're here now. I've never seen Daddy so happy so often."
A strange surge of protectiveness washed over him. "I'm never going anywhere ever again."
She looked up shyly at that, "Do you mean that?"
Peter gave her a sad smile and held out his pinky. "I promise."
Morgan gave him a watery smile in return and walked over to curl her small finger around Peter's. A moment later, Morgan threw her tiny arms around his shoulders and Peter held her close. All of the nausea from earlier had completely vanished and had been replaced with an unspoken vow.
It took another twenty minutes and one bedtime story later until Morgan fell asleep and Peter was walking back into the hallway of the second floor of the lake house. As soon as he closed Morgan's bedroom door, he sank to the floor, resting his back against the wall beside the wooden doorframe. Leaning his head against the wall, Peter closed his eyes at the overwhelming emotions washing over him. He felt so selfishly stupid for avoiding the lake house now. Morgan had been hurting just as much as Peter, and the teen had just been so wrapped up in his own self-pity that he didn't spare a thought about how Morgan was handling everything.
Life lives within you or without you, Ben's words echoed within his mind.
Life had lived without Peter, but Morgan had to deal with the aftermath of his so-called death. She had to deal with the mysterious tears of Tony grieving him. She had to find out that someone who had been close to her father had died without her getting a chance to meet him. Peter might've gotten the short end of the stick, but he shouldn't have disregarded Morgan's feelings just because of the hurricane that was blowing around inside of his mind.
You can't do that again, Peter, Peter told himself. Morgan doesn't deserve that and neither do you.
When he had composed himself, Peter got shakily to his feet and made his way towards the staircase. Just as he approached the top of the stairs, the voices from below caught his attention.
"You doing okay?" That was Pepper, her voice sounding sympathetic.
"Some days are better than others," Tony replied sadly.
"Tony..."
"It just hurts to see him so sad," Tony admitted. "If you had asked me if it would've been this rough having him back..."
Those words broke Peter's heart along with the way Tony's voice held the rare trace of a sad resignation.
"But you wouldn't change it for the world," Pepper finished for him.
"I wouldn't change it for the world," Tony agreed. "I just wish I could take his pain away. I feel like I'm flying blind and I don't know what I'm doing half of the time."
"Knowing you, you're doing the best you can."
"Why do I feel like it's not enough?"
"Because it hurts to not see them at their happiest," Pepper told him. "He'll get there, Tony. You both will."
Peter closed his eyes against the new wave of frustration and sadness. Frustration at the world for throwing him into this unfair situation. Frustration at himself for not being okay, and for not finding the right words to ease everyone else's injuries. Frustration at feeling like an animal who was trapped in a zoo with his depression on full display. Sadness for losing the life that he had once had. Sadness for missing his uncle ben. Sadness for losing MJ.
At the end of the day, you can't change what's been done, but what you can find is the positives that were given to you in the end, Peter recalled May's words when she found him on that fateful day at Ben's grave.
Those words still applied to him in the present day and he never wanted to forget them, because he did gain a few positive things out of everything that had happened. He reunited with Harry, a face from the past that he thought he would never get a chance to see again. He befriended the Avengers and found a family with them, and that was more than Peter could've ever dreamed to have. Most of all, he discovered his newfound family with George and Alex. George, the orthopedic surgeon who moved to Queens for a new life and found his second chance with May. George, the kind of guy that found every little positive thing to hold onto in life, and the guy who welcomed Peter into his family with open arms and no hesitation. Alex... Alex showed him that there was light in the darkest of tunnels. The older teen who shamelessly showed Peter his devotion towards him, being there every step of the way and being able to bring Peter out of his spiraling thoughts when he wandered too deep... Alex giving Peter the brother he never thought he would ever have the chance to have. Peter's life might be imperfect, and it might not be what he thought it should've been like, but he'd be lying if he told himself that he wanted his own life back. He didn't want to lose what he gained, because at the end of the day it wouldn't give him any peace of mind.
The faint buzz of his phone brought Peter back to reality and he fished his phone out of his pocket. There were 2 messages from MJ.
MJ: Don't be mad at Ned. He's just trying to protect you. If you want to be mad at anyone, be mad at me.
MJ: Here's the file that you really need to see. Don't be blinded by appearances.
MJ: 1 pdf attachment
MJ: There's a reason why I call you Webhead. Don't prove me right. Don't do something stupid.
A new pit formed in his stomach at the pdf attachment and he found his finger hovering over the file more out of curiosity than anything else. A small part of him knew that it would go against Ned's nature to lash out at someone unless he had a reason to do so, but Peter was scared. In a way, he couldn't deny that he was taking the coward's way out. Before he could click on the file, his phone began to consistently buzz as Alex's contact photo appeared on the screen.
Peter frowned in bewilderment as he answered the phone, "Alex?"
"Hey," Alex answered the phone, but the uncertain tone made Peter freeze as a wave of dread washed over him. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"
"No, no, it's fine," Peter quickly reassured him. "What's going on?"
"I didn't want to call you, I know you're spending the weekend with Tony..." Alex began.
That didn't tread well with Peter. "Alex, what's going on?" Peter repeated.
"Harry's at the apartment," Alex said.
Peter glanced at the Stark Watch he was wearing and frowned when it read ten o'clock at night. "This late?"
"I know," Alex's voice was quiet as if he didn't want Harry to overhear him. "He came over totally wrecked, Pete. It looks like he's been crying or something... He keeps mumbling things about his uncle or something, I don't know. He keeps asking for you, and I really don't think it's a good idea to leave him alone."
Peter's stomach flipped at Alex's tone of uncertainty. "I'm coming home, I'll be there in less than an hour."
"Peter..."
"I'll be there soon," Peter promised. "Just tell him I'm on my way, okay?"
"Be safe," Alex requested.
"I promise," Peter said before he hung up the phone.
Without another word, Peter ran down the stairs, "Tony?" He walked into Tony's office where his backpack was resting on the office desk and pulled out his suit.
Tony came walking into the room, "Yeah, kid?" His eyes flickered over Peter's face and the sight of Peter pulling on his suit. When the billionaire's eyes met Peter's, there was a determined glint in them. "What happened?"
"Alex called me, I guess... He really needs me home and I just..." Peter stumbled over his words.
"Is everyone okay?" Tony was worried. "May?"
"No one's hurt, but Alex... George and May are working," Peter said. "I'm really sorry, I want to stay, but..."
Tony waved it off, "Don't worry about that right now. Come on, I'll take you home."
Peter shook his head, "Tony, this is something I need to do alone."
"Kid..." Tony protested.
"Tony, please," Peter gave him an imploring look. "This isn't a Spider-Man problem, okay? This is a Peter Parker problem."
Tony's eyes studied him for another second before he sighed in resignation. "Let me know when you get back?"
Peter nodded in agreement, "I promise."
Tony walked forward and placed a gentle hand on the side of his neck. "Be safe, Pete, if you need anything at all..."
"Tony," Peter's eyes flickered over Tony's concerned face. "I know."
Without another glance back at the billionaire, Peter pulled on his mask, slung his backpack over his shoulders, and ran out the door of the lake house, waiting until he got to the trees of the surrounding forest before he hit the skies.
Was it good? Was it bad? Feel free to let me know!