"Up the stairs, down the stairs, can't make his mind up about anything," Book was grumbling as he and Wash crept down the passageway toward the passenger dorms, each of them checking the doors on opposite sides of the hall. "He probably doesn't even know the difference between rosemary and basil. I wasn't even allowed to speak until I'd tended the abbey gardens for--"
"In here," Wash shouted excitedly.
Book darted over, raising his bible high over his head in order to thump any lurking evil doers. The shepherd cum sheriff gasped in shock as he peered in the doorway. Wash held Jayne's orange hat in his hands. "It's perfect," the pilot bibbled.
"Is that so?" Book said doubtfully. "For what exactly?"
Wash gave Book a disappointed glare. "Your new hat! You can't be a proper sheriff without a hat, everyone knows that."
"But ... that hat?"
Wash shrugged. "Hey, it wasn't my idea. You were the one who said we should go look for Jayne's hat."
Book clapped his hand to his forehead. "For Jayne, Wash. Just Jayne. No hat. And River and your wife, of course."
"My wife!" Wash cried. "She's missing!" He grabbed Book by the arms, shaking him roughly. "We have to find her."
"You really can't hold more than one thought in your head at a time, can you?" Book said shaking his head. "Like to see him memorize 19 bible passages a day for a year," he muttered under his breath.
They were interrupted by a loud cry from the next room. In unison, they turned and ran toward the sound. Inside the room, they found Jayne laying in bed, covered in blood and holding a blanket-wrapped bundle. Zoe and River were with him.
"My wife!" Wash exclaimed. "I found you."
"Took you long enough, husband," Zoe said. "And where's that idiot doctor of ours? It's bad enough River had to deliver the baby. The least he could do is show up for the after care."
"Nobody knew where you were," Book said drily.
Zoe looked as if she'd like to slap someone. "River runs in covered with blood shouting about the baby and needing help, and you don't know where I went?'
"We were a bit occupied by the naked fainting doctor."
"I wasn't," Wash assured hastily with a sideways glance at Zoe.
"You were stealing the boy's underwear!" Book said. He paused in confusion. "I distinctly remember River shouting about something being gone, but everything looks fine."
Zoe sighed the sigh of the long-suffering. "Jayne wanted his hat, but River couldn't find it," she explained, pointing at Book's head.
Jayne sniffed. "My mama made me that hat. I always pictured my mama being with me at a time like this."
"You pictured a time like this?"
Jayne pursed his lips and pouted. "Y'all ain't even asked to see her yet."
The two men leaned forward, as Jayne pulled back the blanket.
"Huh," Book said. They all turned to look at him. "It's just--a child of Jayne and Saffron's? I was expecting more horn."
Wash nodded sagely in perfect understanding. "I was betting on claws myself. You know? The whole ripping-it's-way-out-through-the-front-of-Jayne's-belly type of kid."
Jayne crossed his legs delicately with great dignity. "My child," he sniffed. "Is beautiful." Jayne's little cherub had wings.