The porch light was off when Alex stepped onto Thomas' porch. Alex ignored it as he approached the front door. He tried to think of what to say to Thomas, but could not come up with anything good enough. He hoped that he would suddenly know what to say when he saw Thomas.
He knocked twice. He told himself that he would wait for thirty seconds. If Thomas did not answer the door in that allotted time, he would allow himself to return to George and Martha's home to nurse his wounds.
He counted them out slowly, carefully.
One, Mississippi...
Two, Mississippi...
Three, Mississippi...
The door swung open. Thomas popped his head out. His expression wavered when he saw Alex standing before him. He let go of the door so that he could focus his attention on Alex. Thomas was nothing if not attentive.
"Alex," He said, as though they were not both painfully aware of Alex's presence on the porch. "Hey."
"Hey." Alex said for the second time that day.
"Look, before, I wanted to apologize to you..." Thomas started. "But then that woman came out of your house and I didn't know what I was interrupting. I assume that she's one of George's nieces?"
"Oh, uh..." Alex scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "No, that's...erm...that's Eliza."
Thomas face fell.
"That was Eliza?" Alex did not miss the emphasis that Thomas put upon her name. "What's she doing here?"
Alex shook his head. "She just stopped by for a visit."
"Do all paralegals visit their bosses over Christmas?" Thomas asked.
There was an edge to his voice.
Alex had lost control of the conversation before it had even begun.
"We're friends. She was in the area. Look, that's not what I came here to talk about." He said, using the same firm tone that he used with particularly belligerent clients. "I came to tell you that I'm sorry about being such an asshole lately, but I..."
Thomas shook his head, his expression resuming its apologetic look.
"No," He interrupted. "I'm sorry. When or if you come out isn't my choice, it's yours. I know that. I shouldn't have pushed you the way that I did. It wasn't right. I'm sorry."
Alex waved off his apology.
"You were right." He said. "I've, uh, I've been making excuses for myself for a while, but I just need to be honest with everyone. Mostly myself. But, uh...I...uh..."
He was not used to grappling for words this way. He didn't like it.
"Ah, fuck it." He said at last.
He moved forward and pulled Thomas in for a kiss. He hoped that Thomas wouldn't push him away. He'd be devastated if Thomas pushed him away.
Thomas didn't push him away.
He put his hand on the back of Alex's head and began to stumble backwards into the house. He returned the kiss with a kind of fervor that Alex hadn't experienced with anyone else. He kissed Alex like he was dying and Alex was the cure. Alex followed after him, taking large or small enough steps at any given time to make sure his lips didn't leave Thomas'. He closed the door behind them.
He pinned Thomas against the cluttered wall of his foyer. Thomas flinched as his back hit some artifact or another, but he didn't complain. His fingers worked at Alex's coat, unzipping it with the clear intention of taking it off.
As they began to free each other of the restraints of their clothing, Alex had the fleeting thought that he hadn't meant for the kiss to go this far. He was going to kiss Thomas and once they separated, he was going to tell him that he loved him.
Alex couldn't say that this was better, but he certainly was not going to say no.
Thomas was fumbling with the button on his jeans. Alex let out a shuddery breath and shifted his mouth down to press sloppy kisses against Thomas' neck. He tasted like salt and cinnamon. Alex couldn't resist sinking his teeth into the soft skin of Thomas' neck. Thomas inhaled sharply and ground his hips against Alex's.
"Bedroom." Alex said, his voice commanding.
Thomas nodded, his pupils dilated and his clothes hanging off his wiry frame. His hair was a wreck. A blush had bloomed across his face and spread down to his chest. He was breathing hard. His lips were already swollen and red.
Alex started for the bedroom, knowing that if he stood there looking at Thomas for too much longer, they'd never make it past the foyer.
Sixty-three minutes later, Alex and Thomas were lying side by side in bed, their breathing heavy and their limbs heavier. Despite the frosty weather outside, both of them were drenched in sweat.
Alex turned his head to the side to look at Thomas. Thomas groaned and rolled over. He pulled the sheets over himself, glancing up to meet Alex's eyes, almost shyly.
"I leave in two days." Alex said.
Thomas nodded. He averted his eyes, staring at nothing in particular.
"I won't ask you to stay." He replied.
Alex flopped back and looked up at the ceiling, frowning.
This was an answer he would have been satisfied with when he was eighteen and desperate to get out of Virginia. Now, though, he found himself disappointed. He wanted Thomas to ask him to stay, even if he knew he would have to say no.
He wondered at his own narcissism.
He justified himself with the thought that, if Thomas would not ask him to stay, perhaps he wasn't in love with him, after all. Perhaps it had just been lust. Perhaps he figured he could find another body to place between his sheets in no time. Alex wondered if he could be so easily replaced.
Thomas seemed to sense that Alex was confused by his answer. He gave a bashful half-shrug, as much as he could with one shoulder pressed against his undoubtedly expensive memory foam mattress.
"I know you, Alex." He said, his voice taking on a tone that made Alex's heart sink. "You'll come and go and I'll be here. I'm used to waiting for you to want me again. It's the only way I know how to love you."
Alex turned to look at Thomas, still frowning.
He wished that he could express indignation at Thomas' assessment. He wished that he could argue and fight and tell Thomas that he was wrong – but he wasn't. He was right. Alex had abandoned him so many times – he had stopped talking to him in middle school, he had gone to college without even the promise of pretending to keep in touch, and he had most recently tried to burn whatever relationship they'd manage to cobble together in the past few days to the ground. He was flighty. Thomas was patient.
He wasn't good enough for Thomas.
He jutted out his chin.
No.
He wouldn't do this, not again. He wouldn't take the easy way out. He wouldn't accept the excuse that Thomas was handing him to get out and never look back. He wanted Thomas. He wanted whatever it was that they had. He wanted it enough that he'd fight for it.
"I'm sorry." He forced himself to say. Thomas flinched. Alex couldn't blame him. "No, I mean...I shouldn't have treated you the way that I have in the past. I'm sorry about that. I'm going to try to be better."
Thomas looked at him, obviously confused.
Alex moved towards him, daring to press a kiss to his lips. Thomas didn't exactly reciprocate, but he accommodated it with his usual willingness.
"You deserve better." Alex told him. "And I'm going to try to do that for you, okay?"
Thomas nodded, still looking perplexed.
"But in the meantime..." Alex pulled his phone from the side table and grimaced. It was late. "I should probably go home. Martha's going to be wondering where I am soon."
"Sure." Thomas didn't seem surprised by this.
"Can I come back tomorrow?" Alex asked as he put his clothes on. "There's something that I really want to tell you."
Thomas let out a small groan as he heaved himself off of the bed and began to put his own clothes on.
"Couldn't you tell me now?" He asked. "Making an appointment to talk about an undisclosed subject always makes me anxious."
"You'll just have to suffer." Alex teased, moving forward to kiss Thomas a second time.
Thomas pouted. Alex couldn't help but smile. Thomas was adorable when he pouted.
"It's nothing you should be anxious about." He added, in the hopes of soothing Thomas' nerves as well as his own. He pulled his sweater over his head. "It's a good thing, I think."
"If It's so good, you could tell me now." Thomas argued.
"Ha." Alex let out a dry laugh as he started for the door. "I'll see you tomorrow, Tom."
"Yeah, I'll see you." Thomas grumbled.
Alex pulled on his coat as he stepped out of Thomas' house. He took the long route to George and Martha's house, lingering along the edge of the Potomac. When he reached the backyard of George and Martha's house, he stared at the house for a little while. He knew that he needed to go in it – he knew what he needed to do in it – but he wanted a few moments of peace before his life changed forever.
He took a seat on the bank. The grass was wet and cold, but he didn't mind. It was no worse than riding the subway on a Friday night.
"It must have gone well." Eliza's voice sounded from behind Alex.
He turned and looked just in time to see her approaching. She took a seat beside him in the grass. She leaned over and pinched the tag of Alex's sweater between her fingers.
"Your sweater is on backwards." She remarked with a knowing smile.
Alex let out a small laugh.
"Yeah," He said. "I guess it did."
"You told him that you love him?" Eliza asked.
Alex shook his head. Eliza's smile dimmed.
"I didn't get the chance." He tried to justify his omission. "I will, but I figured that, if things are good between Tom and I, I had time to tell George about it before I told Tom that I...you know. I just don't want to tell him that without being able to move on to a 'what now' discussion."
"How very mature of you." Eliza teased.
Alex smiled slightly.
"I don't know if we'll have much to talk about." He said, his smile fading. He looked down at his hands. "He told me that he wouldn't ask me to stay. I don't know if that means he's given up on anything serious, or..."
"Maybe he'll come to New York with you." Eliza suggested, her tone indicating that she, too, recognized that this was not a good sign.
Alex let out a small, humorless chuckle.
"I don't think that's what it meant." He said.
"Well," Eliza said after a pause. "You two have some time to figure it out. I know that you will. As for me...I think Angelica and I are going to fly back to New York tonight and spend the rest of our holidays with our own family. We've intruded upon yours for long enough."
"Are you sure?" Alex asked, frowning.
Eliza nodded.
"Once you tell George, don't you think it'll be a little weird having your fake fiance hanging around for another day?" She reminded him.
"I guess." Alex accepted this with some reluctance. "Can I drive you to the airport?"
Eliza shook her head.
"You stay here and talk with George. I know he'll be glad that you did." She said.
Alex nodded.
"I'll see you on Monday." Eliza said, smiling. She leaned forward and kissed Alex's cheek. The patch of skin that her lips had touched immediately felt colder than the rest of his body as she pulled away. "Good luck."
She rose to her feet and turned to start back for the house. She tensed up before she started walking. Alex glanced over his shoulder to see what it was that had made her tense up. He hoped that it was not another bobcat coming out of the woods. They were growing increasingly difficult to scare off.
George was standing there, a mere few feet away. At his feet, there was equipment to repair the tree stakes that had been damaged by the last snowfall. George was staring back at them, his expression unreadable.
He was not so far away that Alex could hope that he hadn't heard anything. Alex had no idea how long he'd been there. He had no idea how much of it George had heard.
"Um..." Eliza was quite clearly experiencing the same sense of panic that Alex was. She glanced back at Alex. She bit down on her lip, her eyes wide, and grimaced. "I should, um..."
She hurried off without every really saying what she should do.
Alex rose to his feet, approaching George. He tried to keep his breathing even. He tried to assure himself that this would be fine. He would be fine.
"Uh..." Alex struggled to find the words as George stared at him expectantly, waiting for some kind of explanation. "So, I don't know how much you heard, but I...uh...Eliza and I, we're not really engaged."
George raised his eyebrows, but didn't say anything.
Alex sucked in a deep breath and hastened to continue.
"So, for a while now, I, er, I've been kind of dealing with this thing...uh...I'm...er...I'm bisexual. I think. I guess. See, I like women, too, but I think that I like men...uh...well, just a little bit more. A tiny bit. I could still end up with a woman, but I..."
"Alex." George finally interrupted him. Alex was glad. He took another deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Why did you lie?"
Alex felt tears burning at his eyes. He suddenly felt seven years old all over again.
"I don't know...I thought it was what you wanted."
He blinked furiously, but despite his best efforts, he felt tears begin to slip from his eyes.
George moved forward and pulled Alex into a crushing hug. Alex accepted it. Tears poured from his eyes, unrestrained. His nose was running. His breathing was interrupted by small sobs that he tried to suppress without luck. George thumped a hand against his back a few times, as he had when Alex was younger.
"I just want you to be happy, Alex." George said, his tone taking on an unstable element that suggested that he, too, might be close to tears. "That's all I've ever wanted for you."
Alex cried even harder, now, because he could not believe the relationships he had ruined over the fear that George would say anything else.
"And if Thomas is who you want, well, you could do much worse." George added, his voice laced with a hint of amusement.
Alex let out a rubbery laugh. He untangled himself from George's arms and swiped at his tear-stained face with the back of his hand.
"He's not so bad, is he?" He tried to say, his voice rough and scratched.
"No." George agreed with a smile. "He's not bad at all."