Chapter 5: Longing
'Olivia thinks that if he has felt even half of the pain she has experienced... No, she couldn't make him go through it again. She's unsure what the next step is, just wants to explore her options before making a decision.'
In the end, she stays. She stays the rest of the weekend; and the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that. Olivia has been spending all her free weekends in his apartment. Sometimes they stay at hers, particularly when she knows he has plans the next day with his children. It's easier for her if they do this at his place, rather than hers, that way she decides when to leave. That way she doesn't feel trapped.
This.
She isn't sure what this is yet.
"I'm so glad it's Friday." Elliot grins up at her while Olivia straddles him on the couch and lets his cock sink into her depths.
"Me too." She sighs and smiles back, moving up and down, and around over him, savoring each second. It's a slow and sensuous dance.
"Fuck, you feel incredibly tight. So good." He grabs her hips and begins to thrust up, matching her pace.
"Oh, yeah? How about now?" She asks devilishly, wrapping her arms around his neck and clenching her inner walls around his cock. He curses and she smiles again.
"What do you need? Tell me what you want." He pants. They always do this, it is part of their dance. It's how this started. They're both selfless, wanting to give nothing but pleasure to the other person.
"I want- I want your mouth on my tits... Shit!" He thrusts hard into her and hits a particularly good spot, making her lose her train of thought. "I want you to suck on my nipples." She finishes.
His mouth and tongue are on her not a second later. Her breasts have been particularly sensitive lately, probably from all the attention they've been getting after a long drought, she thinks, and that alone could make her come. In fact it had, just last weekend. Elliot is a breast man and an ass man, she has learned, and she's reaping all the benefits of his obsessions.
"I can't get enough of you." He says when he switches to her right breast. His warm tongue goes around and around her nipple, lapping and tonguing it; drawing it inside and sucking on it enthusiastically while his hand grasps it to get as much of it as possible. His other hand isn't idle, but pinching and fondling the now neglected breast.
When she feels close, she draws her fingers through his scalp, grasps his short hair, and yanks his head back roughly, licking him from his neck up to his mouth. She's in control tonight, at least for now.
"I'm gonna come." She sobs over his mouth, moments before she does, and collapses on top of him.
She goes boneless in his arms but he isn't done with her yet. Elliot turns to his side and places her on her back, on the couch cushions. He kneels in front of her, positions her legs over his shoulders, and enters her again.
It's sensation overload. He watches as she bites her lip and whines incoherently in pleasure while he fucks her hard and fast, taking what he needs now. He watches her tits jiggling from the force of his thrusts and how she fondles one and pinches her nipple. He watches her other hand travel down to where they are connected and start to rub her clit in circular motions, he feels her starts to clench again and it's his undoing.
He closes his eyes then and erupts inside her, filling her with his release.
Two months. Two months of moments like this, taking and giving everything they've got, but failing to put a name to whatever it is that they doing.
Of being all over each other, rushing up the stairs, and barely getting into his apartment, before he's inside her. They hardly take the elevator after they almost got caught having sex in there, they don't trust they won't do it again. Not that the stairs are any 'safer'. They had sex twice on the stairs' landing right beside the doorway leading to the hallway of his floor, she had bitten his hand one time as he tried to keep her sobs from waking up his neighbors.
It has also been two months since her attempt at IVF went wrong. Not even an attempt since it had failed before it had even started. Her heart aches whenever she thinks about it, and she thinks about it a lot, not that she lets him know that.
Olivia had talked to her doctor afterwards, who had explained that those things could happen and that they could try again in a month, or whenever she was ready. There were different treatments, some more intense; there were also different drugs, different hormones. There's still time, she had said.
Time. That is what Olivia feels she doesn't have, time.
She has Elliot, though she doesn't quite allow herself to think of him that way. Elliot, who cares and notices everything, even when she thinks he doesn't. She doesn't want to think about how much he cares, what it implies, but he has been present: before, during, and after. Even when she refuses to talk, even when she closes off. He is there whenever he sees her thoughts eating at her, whenever he sees her looking longly at a child or at the pregnant waitress at their regular diner, who is 6 months along.
They have known the woman -Mandy- for a couple of years and Olivia is gracious and kind, asking her how she feels, if she knows the sex of the baby yet. A week after the failed attempt, after he noticed the pain in Olivia's eyes one too many times, he had them changing diners.
"We should try that new place we talked about, it's closer to the station, and hopefully they'll have better coffee." He tells her nonchalantly over lunch on a cold Monday.
"Okay." She says simply, playing with her salad, barely eating the stuff, knowing exactly what he was doing but choosing not to comment about it. It wasn't jealousy or resent, it was deep pain and longing for not being able to have the one thing she wanted the most.
Even with his support, their new closeness, she fails to mention her appointment with her ob/GYN doctor for the next day. Olivia thinks that if he has felt even half of the pain she has experienced...
No, she couldn't make him go through it again. She's unsure what the next step is, just wants to explore her options before making a decision. Her options regarding her personal life and her involvement with Elliot, although the line between both has become quite blurred now.
Olivia leaves by 3 PM on Wednesday under the deep scrutinizing gaze of her partner, taking the opportunity to get away while he's on the phone. She gets to the appointment just in time and waits in the cold examination room with only a hospital gown and a thin blanket covering her.
Her doctor, Doctor Ana Martinez, a 40-something-year-old Latina enters the room a few minutes later carrying her medical records.
"Olivia, how are you?" She greets her cheerfully. She is a cheerful person, always optimistic, with a smile constantly plastered on her face. While Olivia normally enjoyed the atmosphere, today it made her... cringe.
"I'm okay." She replies after a moment.
"Good." Doctor Martinez says as she glosses over Olivia's records. "Any problems or symptoms after you stopped taking the hormones? Any changes?"
"No. I don't think so. Just..."
She catches Olivia's hesitation and persuades her to continue. "Just...?"
"My breasts are very, um, sensitive lately."
"Oh, that's normal. Your hormones will take a while to settle, you might notice sensitivity and some cramps. Completely normal, don't worry about it." She reassures her.
Yes, it could be that, Olivia thinks, or it could be Elliot spending and an obscene amount of time between her tits every time he fucks her.
'That's crass' she chastises herself as she avoids the doctor's gaze and looks up at the ceiling. But probably the truth though, she concludes, smiling inwardly.
"Okay." Doctor Martinez says, clasping her hands together. "Let's do an ultrasound first and check how things look in there. Then, we can talk about our option, alright?"
The gel the doctor pours on her skin feels is cold and sticky, and when the ultrasound wand presses down on her lower abdomen, Olivia realizes how badly she needs to pee.
"Tell me a little more Olivia. When was your last period?" The doctor asks as she analyzes the screen and Olivia is thankful for the distraction.
Still staring at the ceiling, it surprises her how long she has to think about it, while she isn't exactly what one would call "regular" in her cycle, she can pretty much estimate when she'll get her period.
"Almost four weeks ago, I believe. I started taking the hormones on the first day of my period, almost 12 weeks ago, as you instructed." Her brow furrows, recounting. "You mentioned I might miss my period and have an erratic cycle after I stopped the meds."
"Four weeks? Are you sure?"
"Give or take, I have long cycles. Why? I mean, I missed my period when I stopped taking the pills two months ago and four weeks ago I just spotted a little. I guessed it was a very light period because of the hormonal changes." Olivia explains in a rush, her head starting to hurt.
"Yes," the doctor nods. "While missing your period is normal after discontinuing the hormones, you should have gotten back to your cycle just three weeks after stopping the hormones."
Why hasn't she noticed before now how long it has been? Or how her body hasn't bounced back yet, she thinks. Has she been that distracted?
"What's wrong?" Olivia asks out loud, finally making eye contact with her doctor.
Doctor Martinez is standing beside her with a small knowing smile on her face that confuses Olivia, she feels like she is in interrogation but she's the perp this time and the doctor has all the evidence she needs to convict her. She doesn't know what the 'crime' is yet.
"Have you been holding out on me when I asked if there were any changes?"
Changes, yes. Big one. Elliot and her and... but Olivia doesn't answer. Her eyes fill with tears because she knows, she knows what's coming next.
The doctor laughs softly, takes a step to the side, and points to the ultrasound monitor. Olivia stares at it but it all looks like a big blob, like those inkblot cards psychologists use to diagnose your personality and emotional functioning.
She feels pretty emotional right now.
"This is your uterus." Her doctor explains gently. "Everything looks good, but there's that tiny thing, do you see it?"
"Yeah." She finally whispers.
"It's really small at this stage and you can barely make it. See that?" Doctor Martinez asks her softly, pointing to the center of the screen. Olivia nods, her eyes are big and round, staring dumbfounded at the image. "That is what we call the gestational sac. And see that tiny oval bean-like shape? That's your baby."
Olivia's heart starts beating wildly on her chest as she listens.
"Congratulations, Olivia. You're pregnant."
TBC
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