Chapter 6: Concealment
'Many things have been left unsaid, they had been, instead, communicating with their bodies, but that was then and this is now. And everything is about to change.'
Pregnant. She is pregnant.
As in, with child.
As in, there's a little being growing inside her belly.
It's everything she ever wanted.
Everything she ever feared.
When she was a young girl, Olivia had decided that when she grew up, she wanted a family someday, a big one; all she hadn't had. She decided also, that she wasn't going to follow her mother's example. Her future child would know nothing but love, she would show them compassion, understanding. Patience. She would dedicate all her time to them, no matter what.
As a teenager, she rebelled. She desperately looked for someone to take that void away and give her what she yearned for, all that she felt was missing, but she had been blind with misery and loneliness, and the stubbornness of adolescence had led her to all the wrong places.
College had been an escape for her. Almost literally. Choosing Siena College instead of Columbia as her mother would have preferred. Living on campus, joining a sorority, and actually enjoying life, for once, and it had changed her perspective. Moving in with a man, Billy, and not telling her mother... There wasn't much she told her mother back then, not after Burton. In the end, early adulthood had driven her away from what she had deemed "the silly ideations of a child."
As she grew older, Olivia learned that things weren't as black or white as she thought. Life was hard, messy, and complicated. Grey. The faults of parents weigh heavily on a child's back, no matter how old said child is. Serena Benson had done what she could with what she had. Could her mother have done more? Absolutely. Was she able to? No. And what a fucking mess had it all been.
The fear of what she could be passing to any potential child also kept her at bay. A drunk and a rapist? No. Her genes were screwed up. Just as her mother drowned her solitude and sorrow with alcohol, Olivia drowned her own loneliness and fears with her job.
Time had passed, as it always did, and she felt each second as it slipped away and away until it was almost too late. Olivia did a 180 and found herself right where she had started, longing for what the little girl had longed for. No matter her past, no matter her sins, she deserved to be happy, she deserved to have a family, even if it was just her and her child. She longed to see all the love she had to give, reflected in her child's eyes.
After leaving the clinic, Olivia takes a cab home, the AC is blasting inside and is such a relief, winter in New York City was being torturous this year and up until today, she couldn't wait for it to be over. The snow, the upcoming Holidays, everything. Now, she doesn't mind."
Doctor Martinez had printed her two copies of the sonogram. 'Her baby's first photo' she had called it. Olivia's eyes have been glued to them ever since. Even though it is hardly noticeable, she runs her thumb tenderly back and forth over one of the images, laughing quietly as tears run down her face.
"You okay, ma'am?" The cab driver turns around while waiting at a red light. Olivia takes her eyes away from the image for a second.
"I'm perfect." She replies with misty eyes and a smile on her face. For once in her life, her heart aches with love, rather than pain.
A baby. Her baby.
Elliot's baby.
She doesn't know how to even bring that subject up with him.
The first time they had slept together he had hinted at the possibility of trying "the old fashioned way", as he had not-so-elegantly put it a few months ago. She just wanted him, and had refused to use a condom when he offered, she just never thought it might actually... work, especially not after the IVF had failed.
They had let themselves get carried away but she is still there because she wants to be, she sleeps with him because she had longed for his hands, his touch all over her body for years and now she can't get enough.
When she gets home, she goes over what her doctor told her. Must start taking prenatal vitamins right away, ultrasound in two weeks to check progress, and hopefully finally hear the baby's heartbeat. No smoking, no alcohol, no chasing perps down the street.
Sex, yes.
Without being prompted, her doctor had let casually drop that it was safe to have sex even this early in the pregnancy. Olivia had filed that away to mull over later.
Deciding to fill her prescriptions the next day, she leaves the pamphlets and papers her doctor gave her inside her bag, retrieving only one copy of the sonogram. Turning towards the fridge, she pins it on the cold white surface using two small round magnets and takes a step back to contemplate the image, her hands instinctively go to her still flat belly.
"Hey, baby." She whispers, caressing her skin. Even if no one is listening, her soft words are meant for her baby's ears only. "I love you so much already, little one. I can't wait to meet you."
Thursday is a quiet day, Elliot is stuck in court for the rest of the day and Olivia is thankful for that. She's reluctant to face him yet, she tries to think about how and when to tell him the news. Her mind goes over it repeatedly and as the day passes, she begins to feel more and more queasy and fears she might get sick right there in the squad room for all to witness.
Elliot calls her twice later in the evening and she inadvertently misses both calls. He texts her later, asking how she is doing. They haven't seen each other since she left early the day before.
'All good, El. See you tomorrow.' Had been her response, she'd avoided telling him about her doctor's appointment because it hadn't been important then, just a check-up, then destiny had changed things on a cold, windy December afternoon. The mere thought of having that conversation makes her stomach churn again.
They weren't together-together, as one would say, they were just having fun, weren't they?
Right.
Keep kidding yourself, Olivia, her mind mocks her.
Many things have been left unsaid, they had been, instead, communicating with their bodies. Where does this leave them? He has four children already, for God's sake! And Kathy? What about Kathy? Yes, they were practically divorced, but she would always be there, she contemplates, unable to stop her mind. She's prepared to do this alone, that had been her plan all along. This was just a variation of said plan. Olivia doesn't want him to feel trapped, once more, just because she's pregnant; and even if he said otherwise, would he truly want to start all over again? With her?
Does she?
He had been honest with her, soft and not afraid to tell her how he felt, but that was then and this is now. And everything is about to change now.
Morning comes much too soon and Olivia finds herself over her toilet bowl, retching. She hardly slept the night before and woke up incredibly sick, almost as if her body is catching up with the news. For the first time, she allows herself to consider skipping work.
Forgoing both breakfast and public transportation, Olivia faces the unforgiving cold weather and hails a cab to get her to the station. Her watch informs her she's already late for work and the traffic, and snail pace her cab driver seems to favor, tells her she'll be even later.
Foolishly hoping her watch is broken and she's actually on time, a quick glance at a clock on one of the building's walls crushes her hopes. She rushes in, already taking her jacket off before entering the room and throwing a 'good morning' in the general direction of the rest of the squad, she quickly hangs her wool coat over the back of her desk chair before taking a seat. The ancient thing they call a computer powers on and she stares at the blank screen, ignoring the looks of the three men sitting near her. Olivia is never late.
"More like 'Good afternoon', long night, Olivia?" Munch teases her, Fin snickers and Elliot keeps looking at her. Meanwhile, she continues to ignore all three, though it is the relentless stare of her partner boring holes in her, that finally makes her look up.
"Hey." He says, holding the receiver of his phone loosely over his ear.
"Hey." She replies, and wonders, for the 20th time that week, when they'll spare some money for the department and upgrade their hardware so she can, at least, pretend to be working.
Safe, calm thoughts, she tells herself. It is not the place nor time for anything else. Safe, calm thoughts.
"You okay?" She can tell something is bothering him. She looks around before answering, afraid someone might be eavesdropping. They probably are.
"Fine." There's no malice in abrupt response.
"I'm on hold," Elliot explains unnecessarily, nodding towards the receiver in his hand. "Since Wednesday afternoon, basically. Seems everyone is ignoring their phones these days."
"You know what, Elliot..."
"Olivia, glad you could join us." Cragen interrupts her. "We got a case. Body was found near the Hudson River, it's a doozy, people. Female, late thirties, there's signs of sexual abuse, and both her hands and feet are missing." He reads from a small piece of paper. "Elliot, Olivia..."
Elliot watches as Olivia's face gets paler and paler as their Captain speaks. "Yeah, um..." She raises her index finger in the air, telling him to hold that thought and stands abruptly, heading for the bathroom.
Cragen looks over at Elliot as if he was responsible for her sickness. Little did he know...
"So, Munch, Fin then. Here's the address. Head over there, keep me informed." He says before heading back to his office. Olivia returns a few minutes later, looking sweaty and even paler than before.
"Sorry about that. Probably something I ate."
Bullshit, Elliot thinks, putting the phone down and leaving his desk. Ten minutes later she startles when he drops a can of Canada Dry ginger ale and a pack of crackers on her desk without a word.
He's onto her.
Later in the evening, as the building quiets down and many people have already left, he follows her to the file room before their workday ends. She can sense him standing behind her, she can recognize his cologne, and the smell that is innately him, in a second.
She ignores him. It takes him a long time to speak.
"We should go to your place tonight." It is an unspoken rule that they spend weekends together, so he doesn't bother asking. "I make a mean chicken soup, you can rest and we can watch TCM, catch one of those old movies you like." Despite herself, she smiles. He knows her so well, which makes the situation all more difficult. They have done that a few times, it usually ended with her riding him on the couch, the movie forgotten. . Despite the distance she tries to put between them, she wants him tonight, wants him one more time.
"I feel better actually, we can go to your place if that's okay with you." She tells him, finally looking at him over her shoulder. Elliot just stands there for a second too long before replying.
"Of course, I'll wait for you in the car." He leaves without another word, the sound of his footsteps as he walks away echoes in the now empty hallway.
The minute the door to his apartment closes behind them, she's all over him. Arms and hands grab and tear clothes off, mouths and tongues lick and suck, she's relentless in her urgency for him. "What do you want tonight, Elliot?" Her voice is laden with pure lust and want.
Strong arms lift her naked body off the ground and her arms and legs instantly wrap around him. "Bed," he grunts between kisses.
"Right here." She proposes instead. Reaching down between their bodies, she guides her cock to her entrance, and slowly sinks down on it beginning to move up and down; her arms and thighs working overtime. "Fuck me right here, El."
They are standing in the middle of his hallway, among a pile of clothes and shoes. The early restrain she had felt fades slightly, it always does when he hears her talking like that, and his hands clutch her ass as he helps her move on him.
She could come like this, moving languidly against him, her nipples brushing over his chest, his tongue deep inside her mouth as his cock is inside her pussy, but her muscles are killing her already and he seems to notice.
"I'm taking you to bed." He groans in her ear, she doesn't stop moving nor does she mind the change of scenery, not really, it is then she realizes then that he knows. He knows. Or at the very least suspects it.
The need for him is overwhelming, and for a while, she forgets about the rest. She needs him, needs his touch, his body, and his cock deep inside her. Just like this. Needs for him to make her burst with pleasure because soon, it will be all over.
The wooden headboard bangs against the wall as he moves harder and faster inside her, just like she moans and begs him to with her warm lips on his ear, her teeth biting his neck. His hot and hard body is hovering on top of her, but she holds him tighter making him come in full contact with her.
His lips on her breast are the final push. She comes hard below him, her inner walls clenching and milking him dry, triggering his orgasm.
The instant after he comes, he rolls to his side and cuddles against her body. That's another thing Olivia discovered, Elliot is a cuddler after sex, as if he still needs as much contact as possible.
Olivia turns, facing him, tangling her right leg with his, as amazing and mind-blowing as the sex is, she also enjoys these moments. Hearing as his breathing slows down after coming inside her, his heart still beating as rapidly as hers, his hands caressing and clutching her skin as he comes down from his high. And his mouth, his mouth kissing and teasing her lips, her skin. He's never idle.
They doze for half an hour until Olivia moves to get up, his arms immediately grip her tighter, preventing her from leaving his embrace.
"Just a few more minutes." His eyes are still closed, his voice deep with sleep.
"I gotta use the bathroom, and then I'm ransacking your kitchen." She giggles, she truly giggles because right at that moment she believes she's happy. Pushing him away all week had been one of the hardest things she had to do, but right now she doesn't think about that. She thinks about them, no one else. No problems, no work. Just them both and their baby growing inside her, and for that flimsy instant she pretends, she pretends that's her actual life.
"Oh, no you won't." He says, releasing her reluctantly and grabbing a pair of sweatpants he heads towards the kitchen.
A plate with fruit, a cup of tea, and two toasts wait for her when she goes to the kitchen. She had rummaged his drawers and put on an old shirt of his, the same he had lent her that first night.
They're sitting at his small kitchen table and she tries to ignore his gaze tracing her face as she eats, he seems to be doing that a lot lately, gaze at her, Olivia muses. She begins to eat gingerly, and when she feels the food will not come back up, more enthusiastically. Olivia waits for the other shoe to drop, waits for him because she has noticed him being extra careful with her while they had sex. She's happy to mostly ignore it all until the last possible second, doesn't want to be the one that puts an end to it. To them. She's sure that's what will happen.
Elliot sips from his coffee and lowering the mug to the table, takes a deep breath
'Here it comes.' She tells herself.
"Are you gonna tell me or do I have to ask?" Her fork clatters on her plate as she puts it down, she didn't think he would be so... blunt.
"Tell you what?" Nice, Olivia, really mature.
"Okay..." He crosses his arms, places them on the edge of the table, and leans forward, his face close to hers. "Nausea, dizziness, sore breasts? He lists. "Should I go on? I have been here before, Olivia. Is there something you want to tell me?"
"I think you already know."
"I wanna hear it from you."
Asshole, she thinks.
She had planned to tell him, eventually, just hadn't been expecting to do it like this, she just wanted one more night. Her half-eaten plate of fruit travels across the table as she pushes it to the side, no longer hungry. It's her turn to take a deep breath before speaking.
And he waits, expectantly.
"I'm pregnant, El."
TBC
Many facts about Olivia's past that I've used are actually canon, others I made up. Also, in this story Eli doesn't exists.
Thanks for reading and following the story. It means a lot to me. If you can, let me know what your think in the comments.