It had all changed for the worse.
Ever since the initial suffering he endured on that dreadful night after he had been deemed both a liar , a thief and so much more…An innumerable amount of time had passed and he was still under the conditions of condemnation. Days , weeks and maybe even months had passed by and he found himself trapped in his room with barely anything to keep him company , other than the cruel reminders of what a being birthed from depravity he was.
Whether that be through his pitiful memories , or through the privileges taken away from him , or through the harsh remarks and occasional beatings he would still get to refresh his never forgetting memory…That was all he knew now.
He had been forbidden to go out. Both from his own wishes and also to go to the marketplace for errands. Having been told he tarnished the trust that had been given to him and it would be a long time before he would be given any form of privilege like that again (if that was even an intention to begin with).
The stone-faced ladies gossiped about 'his' delinquent behaviour loudly between themselves , another form of rebuking him and his being when the direct insults and beatings got too boring for their taste. And he'd be sitting there in his room that he had been confined in ever since , just listening to them call him all the insults that were under the sun.
Whether in front of him or not.
Berating him to no end and the hollow walls would capture every word of it. And echo them back to him. Have those same cruel insults circling in his mind and with more being spewed to add to them , as he just sat there on his bed in isolation , with his heavily bandaged and medicine slathered injuries , curling up into himself as he wept from all the pain.
From the physical pain.
From the mental pain.
From the emotional pain.
All he knew now was pain , all he thought about was pain , all he could remember was pain and it was getting to the point he felt genuinely suffocated by it.
His brain had been trying to empty out it's feelings for so long through his hushed cries and never ending reserve of sorrow , but it seemed every time that he thought he was finally done with it all , he'd somehow burst out again in another round of shedding tears and just being crippled in the dark by his overwhelming sadness , patheticness , anguish.
And that's how he had been spending the majority of his time since that awful evening , just like he was now.
If not doing the necessities or having to follow orders from the stone faced ladies , or having worn himself out to the point of fatigue with a heavy heart , he'd be seeping sorrow non stop for hours on end.
Tears dripped down his cold face as his head hung low facing his lap towards the open book he had been staring at for the past few hours. Making the pages wet with his drops of sadness , whilst shaggy deep azure locks that had grown long and unkempt again , soaked up the remaining leaking wetness that had covered his face for so long his skin felt raw and dry.
Sniffling to himself he hugged his knees tighter into his body ,bringing the open book closer to him by doing so , feeling an initial ripple of pain coming from his heavily bandaged injuries , but he didn't care.
He was used to it.
Though it could be said that a great deal of his misery came from the treatment he was shamelessly receiving as a result of what happened , whilst that did hold truth in it , it wasn't the main thing behind his feelings of desolation.
Rather it was what he was forced to witness with every passing day from the isolation of his room.
Those kids.
They were back playing outside nearby like they had always done , like he had always watched them do. Laughing , having fun between themselves and doing much more which he used to enjoy observing , louder than before , and it all felt so cruel.
Rather than something that he used to be delighted in spectating as it would fuel his own dreams , every laugh he heard from them disgusted him. Every shout they shared between themselves burned him to hear. Every time he heard their presence come back , he only begged that they would go away.
As what they were doing didn't feel innocent anymore with what colours they revealed of themselves.
As they were mocking him.
His dream of having friends.
His dream of going into the outside world.
His dream of finally enjoying something other than the near incessant solitude he grew up with.
Everything they did now felt like it was a malicious attempt to just rub salt over the wounds they left him with , and all he would be plagued with when stuck in the depths of his accompanying thoughts was just the question that hadn't stopped bothering him at all…
Why?
Another bout of tears leaked forth as a sob choked his raw throat at the thought he had been reminiscing to himself for hours on end now.
Just why?
Why did they do that to him?
He still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that they would betray him to such an extent. That kids his own age and that he wished to genuinely befriend once would do something so horrible to him.
That they all plotted against him and had intended something so heinous for him , and had been luring him in under the guise of repentance and friendship.
It didn't seem real.
The whole notion of it all seemed so bizarre to even believe , even now after all this time he had trouble processing it happened. Yet that was what occurred and he wasn't going to be a fool and deny it when all the evidence was clear.
Marik had been stringing him along the entire time. Not just him but all of them.
Right from the beginning.
They were all working with him , they were all working against him and they all had the interest of humiliating him and making him suffer seeing how they all went along with that plan.
All of them except that one boy.
Who for some reason he now knew tried to warn him of what was to come , yet he had to be the gullible one and believe Marik's words over his. All because of his own paranoia. And honestly because of that , he just hated himself even more for being so naïve.
Being so blinded by his desires that he couldn't even listen to his own intuition when it was bugging him that something was off. He had been having suspicions since the first encounter , everything was telling him that something wasn't right yet he ignored it for the sake of the fact that they deserved a second chance , that if they wanted to change then he should see their apologies.
For the sake of being a good person.
When in the first place they never even saw him like that to begin with.
And the thing that made him loathe himself even more was , he should have known not to go along with them. From the minute they came up to him and started to call him a devil and then did all that and hurt him. That should have been enough to make him realise that these kids did not have a good interest in him.
Yet he was so stupid.
So so stupid.
And he went along with every lie that they told him. He foolishly believed them even when their lies were falling apart right in front of him. He kept being patient and holding onto the promise and words that they gave him , without realising that they were only said so they had something over him to keep him in their grasp.
It was so disgusting.
So disgusting.
That someone would go to the extent of playing with his trust like that. Lying to him clearly whilst looking into his eyes with no shame , and acting as if they were someone who claimed to be a 'friend'.
Honestly…He genuinely felt sick when he thought about them and their leader and what they did. And for a few times he actually was.
So overcome by abhor in their actions as he truly started to realise the extent of the plot against him as the memories he held with them were analysed over in his time alone and he started to see the cracks more clearly and his foolishness in the matter stuck out to him even more.
His insides actually would churn whilst he did so and that which was left in him after being starved for a few days following his initial punishment , would just come spewing out onto the floor.
And if that wasn't bad enough , he didn't even feel like eating either when he finally got back that privilege. The ladies saw he was growing thin as the days went , literally withering away in the dark , but he had no interest in trying to nourish himself. With either a tasty meal or those watery and stale ones which he found himself being served again.
Because he felt that anything he would eat would just come back out. That's how repulsed he had become through all of this.
But of course that behaviour of his wasn't allowed to go unapprehended.
So the ladies had to resort to forcing him to eat and drink.
But that barely made any difference.
It was honestly surprising that even after all that , his body somehow found the strength in it to cry like this. After nearly emptying all that was in him , his body still somehow possessed what was needed to produce those endless tears that didn't want to stop.
How had he not cried himself dry yet?
He bit his lip in an attempt to stifle the incoming sobs that welled in his weighted throat , his glazed bronzed orbs blinking to remove some of the blur in his vision so that he could focus on what he had been failing to read all this time.
His reddened and puffy eyes just stuck on the same page he had been weeping into , his gauze wrapped fingers shaking as he slid the top of his fingers against the end of the pages with a vivid tremble. Rasping a painfilled breath that scratched the back of his throat , his eyes looked down at the immense white fabric piling over his skin like he was a mummy.
The injuries were still in the process of healing , and this time they were taking much longer than usual. Was it because of the new punishment he endured or something else? He didn't know. All he knew was that his bandages had to be changed regularly , and some sort of cool and viscous ointment had to be slathered over his scalded and peeling skin.
Mika was the one who would do that for him.
Just like she had always been the one to deal with his injuries.
It didn't feel bad when that substance would be put on , but the gruesome appearance of his hands barely looked like anything normal yet , even with all this time having passed and all that was being done to fade away the damage. Yet still the skin looked horrific and ugly , and he didn't even know if it would go back to how it was before with the way things were.
Maybe it would just take some more time.
A lot more time.
Though that being said , he really did not care as his injuries came back to him anyway. He would still be given beatings every now and then , if he failed to do something , if he got on one of their nerves , if he was just there. Albeit they weren't anywhere near as bad as what the old woman had done to him that night , but they still accumulated nonetheless.
However , the punishment from the old stone-faced lady was something that didn't leave his mind. Whether it was because of the drug she fed him beforehand or what , it was almost like he could still feel the stinging and searing even though that shouldn't have been possible after all the time that had passed.
The trauma incurred from that punishment was so bad , even a graze against his hands that he didn't expect or want was capable of almost throwing his mind back to that dismal time , and he could feel himself trembling greatly because of it.
Swallowing to himself the heaviness of his sorrow which was lingering in his mouth , his eyes turned from looking at his white covered fingers to now the page that he was looking at of the book he loved.
A choked sob broke out of him as his glazed eyes took in the details of the wetted page , the paper crumpling under bits of the moisture as he tried to make out the details of the picture that depicted the mark of his hero's victory and when everyone started to have a change of heart and opinion regarding him.
His frail digits caressed the picture of his idol , who was depicted as a young white haired man in the book , smiling humbly to his people as they physically showered him with adoration and from the image he could literally feel how much the man was revered and cherished after he had defeated the evil wizards.
Though a tearful smile tried to line his wilted lips as he did feel happy that his hero was eventually accepted by those who disliked him , he couldn't help but wonder to himself.
Did he go through this sort of treatment?
He sniffled to himself as his thumb kept brushing against the page , trying to rub off some of the wetness that hit , but that only just smudged the ink more , yet he couldn't stop himself from fixing it as he just kept crying more.
Thinking about all that he had gone through…
Thinking about all the contempt towards him…
Had his hero also gone through something like this? That people disliked him to such an extent , that they would betray his kind intentions and take it for granted? That people disliked him so much , they plotted for his humiliation? That the people disliked him so much…that they would criminalise him for a fault none of his own? And everyone would readily believe it?
Had he gone through that too?
Jellal felt the weight in his chest pull in him as he thought about it all and how much suffering his hero went through just to meet that blessed future he one day was gifted after so much torment. After so much grief. After so much hardship.
Though of course he knew that his hero was gifted with ease due to the gods that had helped him in his dark times.
The gods who had heard his hero's pain and anguish and decided to lighten them for him and change his fate for the better.
The gods who were so nice and considerate to his idol.
Why…
Weren't they being nice and considerate now?
Why…
Weren't they doing the same for him?
Was there an amount of suffering that had to be reached just so they could acknowledge him again or what? Why was he feeling so abandoned at a time like this?
Weren't they supposed to be there for him since he had been believing in their power and putting his trust in them all this time?
He swallowed the thick weight in his throat as the grim thoughts about the gods and their doings that he had been having whilst he had been waning in the depths of darkness started to get to him again.
Accumulating and sharpening in his mind with each passing moment.
Worming away inside him and rooting slowly into his belief as he started to question,
Were they with him at all anymore?
Or…
Something else of illicit thought,
Had they ever been with him?
Because after he had been countlessly called heinous labels like ; Devil blood , Devil spawn , Devil…
The thing the gods hated.
The thing the gods called their enemy.
The thing the gods wished nothing more but to punish.
Being called such as if it was an indisputable truth.
He really did not know.
His shoulders bobbed as he was wracked again with so much intensity as his mind recalled the feelings that never left him. Stinging him as fresh as they did the first time they appeared and only had been worming deeper into him ever since.
He hugged his book tighter into himself , tears dripping more thickly as his back pressed in more to the cold stone wall behind him. Wondering to himself more about his hero and his own life and what similarities they shared.
Wondering to himself,
Had his hero been plagued with such pain that it felt like it would never end? Had he been so distraught that all the thoughts that he could have had at a moment in time were 'when was it going to end?'. Had he ever had thoughts about his own pain and suffering that made him think it never would end?
His fingers crumpled into the paper as those thoughts circling in his mind started to go deeper and more raw than he would have liked.
As had he experienced pain to such an extent…
That all he could do was live in it?
That every moment , he breathed it?
That every thought he had , just brought more of it?
To the extent.
That he could have hurt so much,
That it even hurt to be aliv-
Creaaak
He was broken out of that dismal train of thought by hearing the sound of his door being interacted with. Soon after that the door was opened with it being left ajar as a stone-faced lady slipped through with a tray in her hands for his awaited meal.
The woman was Irose.
After closing the door on them both , she quietly walked over with his meal propped in her hands , taking her time to approach the bed corner he seemed to barely leave now as she kept her large blue eyes trained on him whilst her voice sounded out in the cold darkness.
"You've got to eat now."
Her voice hit his ears , yet he made no intention of moving. Not even wanting to look her in the face or anyone as he felt too pathetic too. He felt too unworthy for such a gesture.
Even feeling the same with Hazel and her cat friends when they came to visit for a few nights. Something that would have initially made him joyous , now felt like a burden to and he didn't want her to come and give him company.
He didn't deserve it.
He was too worthless for it.
As those thoughts about his being seated into his depressed brain , he swallowed his own saliva as the smell of the tasteless meal hit his nose , barely doing anything to entice his suppressed appetite as he huddled into himself deeper.
That was his way of telling her he didn't want to.
He didn't feel the need to.
But that wouldn't work.
Irose's features knitted onto themselves as she sat down onto the mattress calmly , her actions not even being acknowledged by the bluenet who didn't think to unfold out of his crumpled state. Her weighted gaze looked over him as she started to take a spoon and get ready to stir the meal that was prepared for the young boy , hoping his stubbornness would soon break away.
"You're getting thinner by the day."
She commented as she looked over at the young boy's physique. Once it was firm and slender , having gotten a decent bit of mass on it from the better nutrition he had been getting for that time , was now in the process of withering , his bones sticking out more and his body seeming smaller than it usually was as his weight was decreasing bit by bit.
That comment though did nothing to change Jellal's mind , he had no care for his being or appearance.
He was ugly to begin with anyway , that's all he had been hearing , and he never was failed to be reminded of that. Whether it was his face , his hair , the mark he bore , or just his being in general , it was all disliked , it was all repulsed , it was all despised.
As if he had been created just for the purpose of being hated.
So why should he care about trying to preserve something that everyone felt contempt towards? Something that everyone was disgusted with anyway? Something that everyone disliked. And had always done so?
He buried himself more from that thought , not wanting to show how weak he was to anyone , wanting nothing more to do than hide and go somewhere far far away so that no one knew of him anymore.
Irose saw this reaction and her lips pursed into a thin line , her mind unable to think of what she should do to get the boy to listen to her as she really was not someone who would resort to abuse. Not when he was already in such a dismal state.
She bit her bottom lip as she tried to think of something that would draw the child out of the depths of depression he was sinking in. Her blue eyes sparkled with some sort of plan as she lowered her voice so as not to be heard with what she would pose next.
"If you eat now . soon you can start to eat the other things you like again."
"What's that thing that you liked that Mika makes?"
"The meat and rice right?"
"She's teaching me how to make it so you'll be able to have it more often then when you're allowed."
She tried to convince him with the offer , knowing that he was one that was fond of the cooking that she and Mika had been allowed to make after the doctor's advice. Whilst it was a bit of a stretch for her to be proposing this so soon even though it wasn't entirely a lie (as his nutrition couldn't be allowed to suffer anymore than it had) , she had hope that maybe trying to pose the food that he liked as a motivation was going to get him to follow her orders?
He did not budge.
Irose's features tensed on themselves again from seeing the lack of response from him , a sigh leaving her lips as she realised that offer went nowhere to her liking. Her fingers played with the spoon she was stirring the watery stew with , her other hand checking the temperature of the food , feeling it slowly losing it's warmth which made her a bit more hasty.
"If you eat more…"
She started again with another idea in mind as she thought about what else interested the boy and could be used to bribe him out of his stubbornness.
"You'll be able to go out and get more flowers again for Kai-"
"I-I mean your mom."
With how much she addressed his mother with her actual name , she almost made the mistake of doing it again out of habit. Not like it would matter , as he obviously would know who that was , but still to make the offer sound more connecting to him , she thought it would be best to address their relationship.
"Isn't that something you want to do again?"
Irose asked in a low tone like it was a secret between just the both of them (as it actually was). Watching the bluenet become stiff by the mention and internally feeling some form of relief as that seemed to get a reaction out of him.
Considering how many times she would go into the room and see a new flower dropped by because of Jellal's doing , in hope that one day she would look at them and she'd like them , the brunette came to know of the deep connection the boy had to doing this deed , seeing he almost followed the routine of giving her one immaculately when he would go out.
And for some reason , she started to put the flowers closer to the woman , in hope she would at least acknowledge them. But there was nothing changed after that , so she would put them back where he had left them. And he would bring more without fault in hope that she would like one out of the many he would bring each time he had been out.
At least that's how it was…
Before the incident that changed it all.
"Won't that be nice?"
She asked again , hoping that this would be the motivation needed to get the boy to unfold himself and start doing things more readily , than just sitting in a corner and allowing himself to wither away.
"There's still time before autumn ends and the flowers haven't completely gone yet so wouldn't you want to see them?"
"And they are really pretty too."
The offer sounded in his ears , making him become rigid for a moment but not for what the woman was assuming. The thought of his mother had his chest tightening up , and not in a good way.
He hadn't seen the woman for a long time , especially after the incident. And he couldn't help but dread how much worse she must have thought of him because of what happened.
As with how much had gone on , with how much the ladies spoke about him and what 'he' did , there was no doubt in his mind that she probably found out about the trouble he got into , and because of that she probably hated him even more than he made her already do.
And all of this before he could find something worthy for her acceptance.
All before she could even get to like him back.
What good was it going to do now to try and find something , when she already couldn't stand the sight of him , and now with all that happened , she probably wouldn't want anything to do with him anymore?
He hugged his knees closer into himself , his head burying deeper as more tears fell from the presence of that thought. As his mother's hatred was something he never wanted to bear , yet it's something that was always there , fresh for him , and now it seemed like it would never go.
Everything he had done seemed like it held no meaning.
Like it held no worth.
And he didn't even know if it would ever.
"P-Please…"
He finally rasped , having been so invested in his thoughts , that he felt it was nothing other than necessary to reside with them.
"J-Just…"
"L-Leave m-me a-alone…"
And he wanted to do that in silence.
"I-I d-don't w-want t-to…"
With no one there.
He didn't want to be amongst any other thing , other than which he had become accustomed to in all these passing miserable hours , days , weeks…
As that's all he felt worthy of doing.
That's all he felt he could do.
Irose's eyes grew heavier than they were from hearing his frail voice , a thickness in her own throat forming as every word she heard from him as of recent had been broken and hushed. Like he didn't want the world to listen to him. Like he didn't want to even be heard.
That was so different from the boy she used to know who would avidly try and make a conversation with anyone for his curiosity's sake.
And for some reason.
That thought hurt her.
Taking another breath , the woman placed the tray on the side of herself on the bed as she tried to be more assertive with her ways. Gently putting her hands on the boy and trying to tug him towards her with more force , though being careful not to stress any injuries as she did so.
Jellal on the other hand , his stubbornness didn't wish to leave. Whatever strength he somehow still had in him , he used it to resist her , huddling into himself more , trying to get further away from her and just hoping that she would go away.
After a few attempts of trying to be more physical , the woman stopped and decided it probably wasn't going to get anywhere through doing this. And she really didn't have the heart to raise a hand on him , considering the way he had been , even if he was a devil spawn.
So she thought that maybe she would try to force him like the others had , but of course in her own way. As abuse was something she never had a liking for , and it honestly pained her to have to put a kid through such , even if they were one who was considered wretched and cursed by the gods.
Even if he was culpable for committing mischief.
"I'm not leaving until you've eaten."
She told him with a chiding yet soft voice , telling him in a way almost like it shared his hurt. With her body moved up close to his and trying to unfold him out of the position he was keeping himself in , and after some consistent attempts , she was able enough to pry his limbs away yet his head remained hung low.
Taking a hold of the book that he had opened in his lap , she looked over at the pages , her eyebrows forming a slight frown as she could see wet spots all over the pages , ink smudged and the book just not in a very readable state. Yet she could tell what he had been fixated on , as she had witnessed many times before the one of his interest in this book that he had loved to read to himself.
And she thought maybe if motivating him with the food or his special deed for his mother didn't work , then maybe some connection to this man from the book he enjoyed would work.
"Don't you want to get big and strong like the man in your book?"
She asked with hope to spark his admiration and that hopefully would give him some motivation to do what he hadn't been all this time. Though just as dismal the boy had been from hearing all her other options , he didn't even flinch , in fact those words didn't even cause a semblance of reaction.
Realising that had no form of effect on him , she took a hold of the tray she had come in with , her fingers going to pick up the spoon as she stirred the consistency of the soup again , whilst she looked over at the bluenet beside her with her crystal toned orbs heavy.
"You have to eat Jellal."
She told him in a softer and almost comforting voice as she got the spoon ready with some of the food and blew on it a bit before directing it towards him. The young boy didn't even think to look at what she was doing , nor even wanted to care , the thought of wanting to eat was almost non-existent.
Yet even with his avid refusal , that didn't stop the young lady as she voiced thoughts that he didn't think to hear so openly.
"You..."
"...Don't want to die…."
"...Do you?"
She asked with a low and saddened tone. Her own eyes glazed over at that sort of thought , vividly distressed by the idea that a young child would actually want to starve themselves over living , though after some dragging moments of stark silence , she found the azure haired boy actually lifted his head and looked in her direction.
As if stunned by what she had asked him.
His reddened large bronze orbs looked at her still , possibly unable to comprehend that something that grim had been spoken to him. Her features softened as she took that as his answer and got the food ready to serve him as she turned to face him in a way that was more convenient.
Though as Irose was in the process of doing that , he could feel his heart beating as he ruminated on those grim words that had just been said to him. Words that he never would have thought of considering before , now struck him to the core as he gazed at the young woman wordlessly , in shock himself from what she said and what it spurned in him as a result of it.
Because the reason why Jellal finally responded to those words alone , was not due to the reason that he had an answer to them.
It was something completely different.
As for the first time,
He didn't know what his answer was.
Author's Note:
How sad is it that a young boy like him is actually starting to think like that? A VERY big contrast compared to the Jelly that we met from the beginning , and as you can see that he's gone through a whole slew of emotional developments/regressions , and sadly now this may be the worst one yet.
His depression is starting to actually show it's self , and in the worst way possible as he might even be suicidal.
A young kid like him , who's not even 8 years (not that any kid or anyone in general should be ever contemplating suicide), thinking like that.
God it breaks my heart...
But there are more developments to come , you'll see.
Jellal is a resilient one.
And his time is coming.