AN: Thank you for the follows, faves and reviews.
The celebration of life for Tobias had started with Max explaining to the faction that given the age of his three surviving children he would like to keep things calm while we were in attendance. Our faction was known to be rowdy, and party hard, but out of respect for our children things were going well.
Marlene had volunteered to record the speeches, and I had been standing to the side and listening as our core group of friends put their personal feelings about the choices he had made towards the end of his life to the side, and instead spoke fondly of the man they remembered.
Zeke had opened the evening after Max's introduction, and his energy and humor punctuated most of his speech. They had become friends immediately, during the last initiation class where the transfers were trained side by side with the Dauntless born from the beginning. Zeke recalled a skinny, tall Abnegation boy who nervously jumped into the unknown after letting almost everyone go before him.
"He refused to tell anyone his name, so our trainer Amar put his defiant butt right into the fear landscapes to punish his insubordination. You know that whole 'we train soldiers, not rebels' line that Eric likes to use so often, that was all Amar, and he was about to put that Abnegation boy on blast," Zeke says with a smile, "So here's mister no name Stiff, put into a fear landscape with no preparation at all, who comes out with four damn fears. Four!" He yells and the crowd cheers.
Rowan claps happily from his spot on Will's hip, while Jewel snuggles against my chest in her wrap. I feel Declan drop my hand and wander closer to Eric, reaching up for him. Eric glances to me before picking him up and sitting him on his shoulders.
"So after that, Amar comes out of the room and introduces us to Four after telling us he only had those four little fears. That's how a Dauntless legend is born!" Zeke continues and the crowd roars.
I watch as Rowan continues clapping and cheering, but Declan whispers something in Eric's ear. They have a hushed conversation and finally Eric nods his head. He glances back at me, giving me a quick smile before heading up to the ledge with my oldest son. Once they're safely standing next to Zeke, Eric carefully sets Declan on his feet and takes his small hand in his.
Zeke high fives Eric and Declan and then passes the microphone to Eric. Declan looks up at Eric in awe, and he sets the microphone down long enough to hoist Declan onto his hip. There is a noticed hush over the normally noisy crowd, and I can see people are surprised to not only see Eric willing to speak for Tobias, but he's doing so while holding one of the children that Tobias had accused him of fathering.
"I think it's well known that I'm not one for eloquent speeches," Eric begins and there is laughter from the crowd, "but my best little friend here told me I needed to come up here to talk about his dad," Eric gestures to Declan, who shyly buries his face into Eric's broad shoulder, "Like Zeke said, Four started on day one as a Dauntless legend. He comes in as a scrawny Stiff, defies our trainer and not only survives a fear landscape designed to punish him, but he completes it with a record low number of fears. It was unheard of, and he and I spent all our initiation class trying to beat the other."
"Did he win?" Declan asks quietly, but the microphone picked it up.
"Yeah he won, he beat me with those Four fears." He replies and Declan nods his head before dropping it to Eric's shoulder.
"He was so good in our initiation, and he really could have been one of the best soldiers in Dauntless. He should have been a father, he should have been right here," Eric adds, and I can tell just how uncomfortable he is, and the double meaning behind his words. He's been forced to give canned speeches for years when a Dauntless member dies, no matter what the circumstances, but today I can almost feel the tension radiating off of him. Thankfully, Zeke must sense it too, because he grabs the microphone from Eric.
"To Four!" Zeke yells and the crowd cheers. Declan covers his ears, and Eric rushes down from the ledge, hugging him to his chest.
When he joins me again I offer to take Declan, but he clings to Eric. We listen as more of our friends, and Tobias's former initiates share their own memories of him, and I can see how tired the kids are. Right as I'm about to get Will's attention so I can grab Rowan, I can feel myself being pushed to the ledge by the crowd, and I hear my name being chanted.
"I don't know if I can do this," I say nervously, while shielding Jewel's tiny sleeping body. I feel Christina next to me, and she helps to remove Jewel's wrap and secures my baby girl to her body.
Zeke reaches out for me and helps me up to the elevated ledge. He hands me the microphone and I look at it nervously.
"You've got this, for the kids." Zeke whispers and I nod my head.
I look out at the crowd, who has once again gone quiet, and see so many expectant faces staring back at me. The most important two I see are my little boys, and I know I owe it to them to try to remember the man I once loved.
"A lot of you knew Four, but I knew Tobias Eaton," I say into the microphone, using his real name in a public place for the first time. Four's identity was exposed when Evelyn's fight for his remains was waged, and the parts of his life he worked tirelessly to hide were exposed to the entire city.
"Tobias and I didn't know each other very well when we were growing up in Abnegation. We were more acquaintances than anything else, with our fathers both working closely together in the government. It was after my own initiation that I really got to know him as more than the serious instructor. He was kind, and funny, and very protective." I glance out at my boys, and Rowan is animated and smiling, while Declan still clings to Eric, "He loved his job, and he loved his children. He was so happy when we found out we were pregnant with our oldest son Declan," I watch as he picks his head up from Eric's shoulder, "He loved him so much," I can feel the tears running down my face, "Rowan too, he was so excited when we had our two boys, and he had the biggest plans for them. Tobias and I had lost our way with each other, and he wasn't able to meet our sweet little girl Jewel before we lost him, but I know that he loved her too." I choke out.
Zeke wraps a protective arm around my shoulder and I lean into him. I can see Tori, one of my good friends and coworker in the tattoo shop in the crowd. She and Zeke have been married for years, and I thought I would lose them both when Tobias and I separated. Surprisingly, they both stood by me, and I feel strength seeing her smile through tears up at me.
I can almost hear a pin drop, and I can feel myself shaking from the effort I'm putting forth to keep myself together, but I am soothed by Zeke's warmth, "We may never understand why he made some of the decisions he made, but I will forever be grateful that he helped me to create those three beautiful souls. Whenever I look at their precious faces, I will see him, and that's how I will remember him. Thank you all for sharing your stories, when his children are older I know that they will love to hear them. To Four," I say, raising my bottle of water.
"To Four!" The crowd shouts back.
I quickly scramble down, going to Christina and getting Jewel from her. I can tell that our faction mates are starting to get restless, and it's well past the time where I should get the kids home, bathed and in bed. Will hands me a sleepy Rowan and I reach for Declan's hand.
"Will you come wif us?" Declan asks Eric.
"Hey, I'm sure that Eric wants to stay down here and spend time with his friends," I begin but I notice Eric shaking his head.
"If it's okay with you, I don't mind helping you get the kids back home." He offers.
I nod my head once and Declan reaches up for him. Eric hoists him back onto his shoulders before leading us out of the crowded Pit.
The kids have always loved Eric, and I was truly thankful for him stepping in the way he did when Tobias suddenly left us. The separation and divorce have been the hardest for Declan, because he remembered his daddy the most. Declan had already been through his father's sudden absence from his life, but now that he knew that he wouldn't be back at all he had been distraught. I hoped that continued therapy would help him cope with his father's death the same way it had helped him cope with his abandonment, although prior to his sudden death we at least had hope that one day Tobias would want to be a part of his children's lives.
The kids are all too tired for baths, so I work on changing Rowan first and getting him tucked into his toddler bed. Jewel wakes up long enough for me to change her diaper and put her into a sleeper, but she falls asleep almost as soon as I begin rocking her.
I am walking down the hall when voices from Declan's room surprise me. I stop short of his door, lean against the wall and listen in.
"Were you wif my daddy when he died?" Declan asks Eric and my breath catches. This is the first time, outside of therapy, that I know of Declan talking about his father.
"No, I wasn't there buddy. Your dad was out on his own."
"Why did my daddy leave us?" He asks.
I move so I can see them now, but before I can enter the room Eric starts talking again.
"Declan, I don't have an answer to that." Eric replies softly.
"Mama said its cause he worked too much but you work too and you come here wif us. You didn't leave us like he did. Ewic, please don't leave us like daddy did." Declan says.
"You never have to worry about that buddy, there's nowhere else I'd rather be than here with you, your brother, your sister and your Mama."
"What if dey send you out and the bad guys huwt you too?" He sniffles.
"Declan, I can promise you I will always do everything I can to stay safe and come home to you." Eric says and I hold my breath watching Declan contemplate what Eric has told him.
"Okay." He finally says, "Can you finish the dinosaur book?"
Eric starts to read and I quietly walk away, making it halfway down the stairs before the tears fall. I sit on the couch, pulling my legs up to my chest and resting my chin on my knees. Tobias died six weeks ago today, and in that time Christina, Will and Eric have made sure we've had everything we need, and have been there to listen to us. Christina and Will's son Tanner has grown up with Declan and Rowan, and having him around has been a great distraction to the boys. It would be hard sometimes when they would go home, and the house was quiet, and it seemed like Eric would have a sixth sense and he'd come by and help me with dinner, baths and even bed time. Eric has always held fast to his belief that he wasn't good with kids, but his actions have proved that wrong time and time again.
Eric had lost a long term relationship too, which helped the two of us bond when we were both mourning the loss of our partners after Tobias had left me. I'm sure that Eric had tried to move on, but now he's stuck here taking care of me.
"You okay?" His deep voice takes me out of my thoughts and I glance up at him, "No, you're obviously not," He remarks as he sees my tear stained face, "Tonight was a lot, he was your first love-"
"It has nothing to do with me. He left his children. He left without giving us any fucking answers. My children will spend the rest of their lives asking why their own father left them and never wanted them." I reply.
"He left because he was a coward, you and I both know that, but your children don't need to."
"No, they don't. Thank you for what you did earlier." I reply and he quirks an eyebrow at me, "With Declan."
"He wanted me to say something about his dad, I just hope the speech I gave was convincing." He shrugs his shoulders.
"The speech was only part of it, I'm talking about just a few minutes ago in his room." I reply, "Declan is attached to you, and I don't want it to be too much."
He reaches up and wipes a tear from my cheek, "It's not too much," He says quietly.
"Why was he out there, Eric? He was supposed to meet me at the apartment that afternoon so we could take the kids to the park together. It was his idea. If he was just going to go out for some fucking maneuvers or whatever why would he have even bothered asking to see his kids?"
Eric wipes more of my tears before speaking, "He wasn't on maneuvers, we're not sure what he was doing out of the faction when he was shot." Eric replies, but when I meet his eyes he stops talking.
"Please tell me what you know. Please. He left me when I was pregnant, told me he didn't love me, told me that being a husband and father was just too much, denied his children and did everything he could to avoid us. He never gave me one fucking answer, Eric, not one. Then, six weeks ago out of the blue he asks to see his kids, you know the two boys he hadn't seen in over a year, and the daughter he never fucking met. But he was out of the faction, he had no fucking intention of being here to take his kids to the park. So if you have answers, please give them to me, because no one else will." I cry harder, "I hate him right now, and I can't do that. I can't let my hate hurt my children."
"Come here," He tugs my legs down and pulls me against him, "Max has kept me out of it for the most part because you and I are friends. I do know there's been an investigation into Four, where he has been going, tracking his activity. I'll talk to Max and ask that he speak to you about it."
"It was his mother, he was sneaking out for her." I cry against his chest, "He chose that life instead of his children."
"He was a fool." Eric replies softly. His chin is on top of my head, and I let his calm presence soothe me until my eyelids finally shut.