AN: Happy New Year! May 2022 be a better year for us all.
I feel like my life has started to be measured by the passing of time since the death of my ex-husband, or the time that has passed since he left us. Each time I take my son to therapy, his therapist and I discuss Declan's progress since their last session, which is measured by how long it's been since Declan last saw his father. Today's totals were exactly two months since Tobias died, and around thirteen months since my son last saw his father. I thought about that the entire time he chattered away while I walked with him to the daycare center.
Declan hasn't talked to me about Tobias since he died, which is similar to his initial reaction when Tobias left us. He was only three years old, and Tobias had been there for the entirety of his short life up to that point. Declan and Rowan have birthday's that are only days apart, and Will and Christina's son Tanner's birthday is right between my boys, so we had been having joint birthday parties since Declan and Tanner's first party. That year was the first time Rowan would be in the mix, and the older boys were very excited to share their day. Tobias was there, he had helped us plan it, and he seemed happy to see his youngest son celebrate his first year. That's why when I came home two days after the party to Tobias telling me it was all a lie I was shaken to my core.
Rowan was only a year old, and life seemed to just go on for him, but my sweet little Declan started asking immediately where his daddy was when Tobias didn't come home from work the next night like he always did before. He had asked every night for almost two weeks, but then he stopped asking and started to withdraw. I didn't know what to do, once again my Abnegation upbringing prevented me from understanding the importance of mental health, but my angel of a best friend Christina gently explained to me that Declan and I both needed someone to talk to. It took me a bit to understand that talking to Christina about my problems wasn't the same as talking to a professional, but she helped me to find someone that I could trust with my precious little boy, and someone else I could trust myself.
In my own therapy sessions I've started to open up a little more about my anger at Tobias. I stopped loving him because I was forced to, not because I wanted to. The day I came home from work and found him sitting at our small dining room table telling me we needed to talk I knew my life was about to change. I loved him that day, and I loved him long after he left. When he denied the baby I later learned I was carrying was his, I still loved him. When he started to deny our sons, I still loved him, but I felt the first pangs of anger.
Tobias had been gone for barely a week the first time Eric stopped by my apartment. He and I had become friends already at this point, connecting the way a tattoo artist becomes friendly with her regular clients. The first time I saw his name in my appointment book I was a bit apprehensive because I knew he and my then husband hated each other, and of course back then I was completely on Tobias's side of their issues.
I quickly learned Tobias was wrong.
Eric was intense during what I would call work hours. I saw that in my own initiation, and in the time I'd spent in the faction ever since. I only really knew that side of him. I would see him when I was out sometimes, before I had kids, and he'd be out drinking with his best friend Raze, or with his girlfriend Sammi. Eric and Sammi had been together on and off for over five years when Eric and I had started getting to know each other. She was a Dauntless born, a few years older than him and they had a rather fiery relationship and she had a penchant for fighting with him in public, which was very frustrating for a man who appreciated privacy. He hated the negative attention that fighting with Sammi brought to them, he despised that their most private moments were shared with all of her friends, and they'd loudly voice their opinion of Eric to him and anyone else who would listen. Eric was actually a lot calmer than the way his girlfriend portrayed him, and his intense personality sometimes made him seem aloof and unapproachable. When he and Sammi broke up this last time, most of the faction thought they'd get back together like they always did. I didn't think they would, because by that time Eric and I had gotten close enough for him to confide in me that he was truly done with the back and forth. When he wouldn't take her back she very quickly, and very publicly moved on with Bud, one of my coworkers in the tattoo shop who was seventeen years her senior. She got pregnant within the first three months of their relationship, and they were married while she was six months pregnant. Two nights after she married Bud, she reached out to Eric to tell him it had all been a mistake. Instead of going to her, he came to the shop and sat down in my chair, venting all of his frustrations about a woman he truly loved who wouldn't just leave him alone and let him move on. We talked for almost two hours while I did a cover up tattoo of one he had gotten with her, and for some reason I decided to invite him over for dinner with the boys and me that night. Surprisingly, he accepted.
That first visit I could tell Eric was nervous to be there, but he did his best to hide it. He had brought ice cream for us to share, and his nerves quickly dissolved once he met my then three and one year old sons. He played with my two boys for hours that evening, tiring them out easily, and he even helped me to get them both in bed. That first evening was a changing point in our very new friendship, and it turned into us spending the majority of our time together, to the point where my boys were upset on the evenings they didn't get to see him. Eric was with me the night I went into labor with Jewel, helping me to arrange for someone to come watch the boys while getting me to the infirmary. I thought he would leave, but he stayed with me through the incredibly quick labor and delivery, and when the doctor gave him the instrument to cut Jewel's cord he did so without hesitation.
He was the first person, besides me, to hold her.
"Tris, you seem to be far away, are you okay?" Dr. Cuffee asks me.
"Yeah, I'm sorry I did zone out, can you repeat your question?" I ask.
"I had asked how things were going for you, had anything happened or changed since our last session." She says carefully, her dark brown eyes scanning mine.
"I'm fucking angry," I say without thinking. My eyes dart up to hers, and if she's surprised at my outburst, she's hiding it very well.
"Tell me why," She prompts.
"We made three children together, one of which he never even met. Another man cut her cord, a man who my ex hated more than anyone in this faction has stepped in and raised his kids when he walked out. My best friend and her husband have taken us in like we are their own family. He left us, he put our oldest son in therapy, our youngest son has no idea who his father is, and our daughter has never once even touched him. Why did he leave? What did I do? Was I not good enough? How will I ever raise these kids alone?" The tears fall and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop them.
Dr. Cuffee passes me a box of tissues and I grab two out, immediately mopping the tears from my cheeks.
"His choices were his. That is your only answer. You may never know why he left, and when your children ask these questions that will be your only answer too. Tris, you are a strong and capable young woman, and you love your children. That's what matters. You don't have to have all of the answers right in this very moment, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other."
My mind is still on that therapy session when the bell over the door rings, and Eric walks into the shop. I glance down at my watch and then raise my eyebrows at him, and he places his finger across his lips in a shushing motion.
"What are you doing here?" I ask as he pulls me towards my station, and out of the view of the doorway. Tori shakes her head and smiles at us as we walk past her station.
"Hi Eric," Lauren says from her station, "Aren't you supposed to be in a meeting? You know, a meeting my wife was dreading when she left this morning?" She smirks.
"The meeting just ended, and Lynn was headed this way too, but Max stopped her. Just don't tell anyone I'm here, please?" He pleads with Lauren and she laughs while shaking her head.
"I'll cover the counter, you ass, but I swear if Lynn isn't here in fifteen minutes I'm calling Max myself and telling him you're here." Lauren replies with a smile.
"I owe you!" He calls out.
"You owe all of us, oh fearless leader." Tori calls out and I pull the curtain around my station, giving us a bit of privacy.
"What happened?" I ask, "Was it the meeting? I know you have been really stressed about it."
"Yeah, it was intense, but I can't talk about it right now," He says and he plops down on the oversized tattoo chair at my station. I drop down by him and turn to face him, "There have been some things uncovered in the investigation into Four, and I've finally convinced Max to talk to you. He's been hesitant because the two of you were divorced, but he's taking the kids into consideration as next of kin as well." He says carefully, "He sent me down here to ask that you come by tonight after you're off work."
"He's talked to you about it, hasn't he?" I ask and he nods his head, "You still can't talk to me about it, can you?"
He shakes his head, "I still don't know everything, but I do know some. I wanted to let you know that I can watch the kids, and pick them up from daycare or whatnot."
"Thank you." I reply but then look down at my hands, picking at my nail beds. Eric takes my hands in his before speaking again.
"No matter what he says to you, or what you find out during that meeting I want you to know that I'm here for you and the kids." He says and I nod my head.
"I appreciate you, more than you know."
"Did something happen in therapy today?" He asks and I look at him, "You seem off."
"I admitted to Dr. Cuffee that I'm angry at him." I say quietly.
"That's huge." He replies, "I'm glad that you're making this progress on your own terms."
"It's time for me to heal, and to move forward. I don't need everything in my life to be wrapped around my time with him, or my time without him. I'm young, and I have my children and my whole life in front of me," I reply and Eric nods his head at me.
"Hey girls!" I hear Bud call out and I look at Eric, who just shrugs his shoulders at me.
"Maybe I'm ready to move forward too. He and Sammi are happy, and the relationship she and I had wasn't healthy. I can't be mad at him for finding someone to love, and the same for her."
"That's very mature of you."
"I have more than myself to think about now. I've got those three kids who watch every move I make." He leans over towards me, and suddenly the air between us seems ten times warmer, "I have a lot going on in my head, things I think about, changes I'd like to make."
I am holding my breath, and his grey eyes are staring into my hazel ones. His light brown hair is more tousled than usual, probably from riding the train back to Dauntless after today's meeting, and he has a bit of stubble on his cheeks. Knowing him, he slept until the last possible minute, and sacrificed shaving to make it to the meeting on time today.
"What kinds of changes?" I ask quietly.
"There's something I need to talk to you about, it's something I should have been open with you about before now-"
"Tris, your one o'clock appointment is here." Lauren calls out, cutting Eric off and I move away from him.
"Yeah, I'll be out in one second." I reply, hoping that the nervousness I'm feeling isn't evident in my voice.
Eric moves off of my chair and he turns toward me again, "Fish sticks okay for the kids for dinner? I think I have a couple of boxes of veggie mac and cheese I can bring by too. You have carrot sticks in the fridge still too, right?"
I'm more thankful for him easing into a normal conversation that I can properly express, "Yes, sounds good. This is my last appointment, I'll go see Max and be home afterward. Are you sure it's not too much to pick them up?"
"We'll be fine. I'll get dinner started while you do that." He leans towards me and kisses my forehead before pulling the curtain open, "See you tonight." He grins at me before walking out of the shop.
"What voodoo do you work on him to have him that tame and calm after the day we've had?" Lynn complains from her perch in Lauren's station.
I shake my head and chuckle at her as I walk to the front of the shop, "Come on back Dustin, and let's get that sleeve finished today."
The best part of tattooing is the almost sense of calming peace it brings to me. Art has always been a passion of mine, and my sketchbooks both here in the shop and at home are filled with tattoo designs, and portraits of people in my life. Will had me tattoo a drawing he saw in one of my sketchbooks of Christina onto his arm, which to me was the highest form of respect for my art.
Dustin is an Amity transfer from the initiation class the year before mine, and he has been coming to see me for his tattoos almost exclusively since I started working here. We had designed his entire sleeve together, and had spent many sessions working towards bringing his vision to reality on his arm. It's a normal session for us, where we're shooting the breeze while I work on his sleeve, when suddenly he brings up Eric.
"So what's the deal with you and Eric?" He presses.
"There is no deal. He and I are friends." I reply while wiping at his arm.
"You two seem more than friends, and super close, like especially with your kids." He replies.
"He's very good with my kids, he kind of just showed up when Four left." I reply, "We've been friends for awhile."
"So Eric's just a friend, and there doesn't seem to be anyone else in your life." Dustin grins at me.
I glance up at him, "You're paying close attention to me."
"I'm interested in you," He replies and then smiles, "The dude is pretty intimidating. I had thought maybe the rumors about you two were true."
"What rumors?" I ask casually.
"That the two of you are together, that he's the father of your kids, you're getting married, having fifteen more babies." He rattles off.
"I went through a very public divorce, paternity and custody battle. I would have thought by now this entire faction knew that my dead ex-husband is the father of all three of my children." I reply angrily and set the tattoo gun down.
"Tris, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have even joked about something like that. I personally never thought he was the biological father of any of your kids, but I did think the two of you were together, and he does seem to have stepped in as the father to your kids. I meant no harm, I promise." He says gently.
"It killed me when the entire faction looked at me like I was a cheater. I took my vows seriously."
"I'm so sorry. We've been friends long enough for me to have known better than to even joke about that shit." Dustin says, "I really just wanted to make sure you and Eric weren't together."
"Why?" I ask.
"I was hoping that I could take you out sometime, you know outside of this shop." He smiles at me, "I made it completely awkward with my poor attempt at a joke though."
"Dustin… I don't know..."
"Because of Eric?" He asks.
"No, not Eric, but my kids..." I trail off.
"Nope, you're not about to give me the whole 'I have three kids' speech. Everyone in this faction knows you have three kids, and I am totally okay with that. I'm not asking to meet your kids immediately, I know that's a huge deal and you all have been through a lot. I just want to take you out, get to know you and see where it can go. We have a great time talking here, and I'd like to get to know you better. If that leads to one day I get to meet your kids, I'm down. I'm not afraid of kids, Tris." He smiles at me.
I look at Dustin, very handsome with his dark brown hair and bright blue eyes, his full beard and devilish smile. The attraction is undeniable, and we do have a great time every time he's here for a session. He has an outstanding reputation in the faction, and a date with him could be nice. But, I think about the moment earlier with Eric, when he leaned towards me and told me there were changes he wanted to make, and about how the air around us seemed to have an electric charge. Eric is one of the people in my life who has literally picked up the pieces when I fell apart, and his friendship is important to me and to my children. Am I really willing to cross those lines with Eric and jeopardize the relationship he has built with my children if we didn't work out?
"Dustin, I don't think-"
"How about you don't just tell me no, at least think about it? Let me have a little hope, okay?" He grins at me.
"Fine, how about I think about it, and we finish this piece?"
"That's not a no." Dustin smiles widely.
"It's not a no," I smile back and go back to the shading on his arm.