Chapter Thirty-Two: What Are You?

"Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it, that's the point." –Veronica Roth

The hallway was filled to the brim with students, all shoving their way through the crowd to get to their next class. The sound of lockers slamming and friends talking with one another made it practically impossible to hear anything. There was a sense of excitement in the air, one Tate was sure would fade once the first week of school was over. Frankly, she'd be surprised if the joy even lasted through the rest of the day. Freshmen were in for a rude awakening; shockingly, high school isn't all fun and games. Sophomores would just be trying to keep their heads down and get through their last year as underclassmen. Juniors would be trying to navigate the hellscape that college prep and SATs brought, and seniors would be anxiously awaiting their acceptance to college. Yes, they were all in for a fun year.

As Tate tried to shove her way through the crowd, she finally saw a familiar sight; a head of bright red hair towering above the anxious freshmen. Noah was just over six feet, and that combined with his unusual hair color had turned him into somewhat of a beacon for their friend group. The wave of students finally parted for a split second, and Tate dodged her way around a group of sophomores to get to Noah, who was standing with Ellie, Carter, Ben, and Lucy.

"There you are! We've been looking for you all morning," Ellie exclaimed as she hugged her.

"Yeah well apparently no one ever taught the freshman how to walk down a hallway," Tate replied.

"I swear they get worse every year," Carter said, laughing as he closed his locker.

"How was New Orleans?" Ben asked.

"Same old, same old. Sweltering hot with a bunch of drunk college kids stumbling around. Oh, and Amelia's having a girl," Tate told him while they walked towards their homerooms.

"Good, we need a girl," Lucy said.

"Why do we need a girl?" Ellie asked.

"I dunno, there aren't enough boys walking around in the LaMontagne family for you?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah, I guess that's fair," Ellie replied.

Tate was sitting down at a table in the library during her study hall, trying to make her way through her massive stack of homework when someone sat down across from her. Thinking it was some annoying freshman, Tate looked up ready to ask them to leave, only to find Carter sitting across from her.

"You've been avoiding me," he said, giving her a grin.

"No I haven't," Tate replied, quickly going back to her work in the hope he'd leave.

Okay, maybe Tate had been ignoring him just a little. It wasn't that she had anything against Carter, she just didn't want things to be awkward. After all, she was the one who'd suggested they break up, and although he said it was fine, she was worried he was lying.

"So you're not avoiding me but you just don't answer my texts," Carter pointed out.

"I just…I thought it'd be easier," Tate said softly, risking a glance back up at Carter.

He was leaning against the back of his chair, but he didn't seem mad at all. In fact, it seemed like he was just thinking about something as his sharp green eyes observed her. He sighed slightly and leaned forward in the chair.

"Look, I wasn't exactly happy we broke up, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. What I really don't like is you ignoring me all the time. I thought we said we'd stay friends," Carter said.

"I'm sorry," Tate told him.

"Don't be sorry, just…can we just go back to how things were before? Once upon a time we were best friends, you know," he reminded her.

"I know, and yeah, I think I'd like that,".

She honestly had missed spending time with Carter. Not dating him per se, because she thought she'd made the right decision in that department, but just hanging out as friends. Even before they started dating, Tate would tell Carter everything the same way she would Ellie, and he always listened. She'd missed him over the summer, having not really talked to him or been with him unless it was in a group setting.

"Good," he said, grinning again as his green eyes twinkled slightly.

He got up from the table to leave but hesitated.

"Why'd you do it?" Carter asked quietly, nervously tapping his fingers on the hardwood table and not looking up at her.

"I-I don't know," Tate replied.

"Was it because of what I said?" he asked, glancing up to meet her eye.

"Yeah…it was," she told him.

"Okay, that's okay" he whispered, giving her a pained smile before turning to leave.

She knew she had hurt him, something she never wanted to do. His smile just made her feel even worse. But it was something that needed to be done, for both of them. As she watched him walk away, she couldn't help but blurt out the question that had been nagging at her for weeks.

"Did you mean it?"

He froze for a second before turning back around, the same sad, gentle smile plastered on his face.

"How could I not?" he said softly, not the slightest hint of humor in his voice.

Tate couldn't think of a reply and watched as Carter walked out of the library, still trying to make sense of his response.

The first few months of school flew by and soon it was almost the end of October. The last couple of weeks had been so hectic, what with the soccer season coming to a close and the early deadline for colleges fast approaching. Tate had decided to escape the stuffy library for the morning and headed out to sit under one of the trees at the edge of the soccer field. It had been fairly chilly the past few days as the winter drew closer, and Tate pulled the flannel shirt she was wearing tighter around her as a gust of wind hit. Anyone else would've said it was too cold to work outside but Tate was used to it having grown up in the harsh winters of Boston, and the sun shone down making it just warm enough to be enjoyable. She pulled the folder that carried her college applications out of her bag and set to work checking them over. Half an hour later, Tate was deep in thought when the snap of a twig branch startled her, and she jerked her head.

"Jesus, you scared me!" she told Carter.

"Sorry," he said laughing as he sat down beside her. "What are you doing out here?"

Tate held up an application in response and he winced sympathetically.

"Yeah, that's no fun,"

"Well, some of us didn't commit to Stanford and actually have to apply to more than one school," Tate replied.

"You could've committed somewhere if you really wanted to, and besides, you'll get in everywhere you want,".

Tate had actually gotten several offers from division one schools to play soccer, but she had no interest in playing during college. Sure, she loved playing, but it was so time-consuming to play during college, and she didn't want to have to deal with that.

"So, where's the top choice?" Carter asked, and Tate handed him a stapled application.

"Well, Ben and Noah owe me twenty bucks," he said, eyeing the signature red crest of Harvard.

"You guys bet on where I was gonna apply to college?" Tate asked, slightly exasperated at the boys' antics.

"Of course not, we bet on where you're going to go to college. Noah said Yale, which to be honest I was almost gonna bet on. Ben thought it was gonna be Cornell but I told him you'd at least choose a prestigious Ivy,".

"We don't know if I'll get in," she reminded him.

"Please, they're the smartest university in the world, but they'd be idiots if they didn't accept Tate LaMontagne,".

"Yeah, well, you're not so dumb yourself. You do realize Stanford is one of the best engineering schools in the country right?"

Tate had always thought that Carter undersold himself. Sure, he didn't

"I did my research, thank you very much. And they're not one of the best, they are the best," he replied cockily as he flopped onto his back to lay on the grass.

"Oh, my mistake," she said sarcastically.

"What are you going to major in?" he asked.

Tate bit her lip slightly as she hesitated to respond. She hadn't actually told anyone what she wanted to do, and she was slightly worried Carter would laugh or think it was stupid. Everyone knew she could do whatever she wanted, like becoming a doctor or a lawyer, and that just made her idea all the more unconventional.

"Psychology…I think I wanna be a profiler," she said slowly, and Carter lifted his head up from the grass to look at her.

"Really?" he asked.

"You think it's stupid,"

She should've known it was a bad idea; she should just do something simple, or at the very least do something like every other genius and find a job that made a lot of money. Yet, every time she thought about picking a different career path, she thought of Spencer. He could've done anything in the world–and made a hell of a lot of money doing it–and yet he chose to work at the FBI. He chose to spend his time flying around the country, working long hours, chasing down killers, all in the name of helping people. And it wasn't like Tate thought it was all fun and games; she'd seen the effects that hard cases had on JJ, but no matter how awful the suspect was, they did it anyway. They'd saved Tate–in more ways than one–and she wanted to repay the favor.

"No, not at all," Carter rushed to reassure her. "I'm just surprised is all,".

"Do you think it's a good idea? I just.. I feel like I have to do this like this is what I'm supposed to do. I mean, you're gonna go end climate change or send people to Mars and maybe I should just be a doctor and go work on solving cancer or something but…".

Carter was quiet for a moment and seemed to be thinking his answer over carefully.

"I think that at the end of the day people are what matter, and whether we leave them better or worse for having met us. And I think a lot of people could be better off having met you. Yeah, maybe I'll send people to Mars, but who cares about Mars? You could save peoples' lives and give them another chance. You could…you could make sure that what happened to Theo never happens to anyone else. And if you have that chance–the chance to make a difference–then you have to take it,".

They sat there in silence as Tate thought over Carter's response. Tate heard the bell ringing inside that signaled the end of the period and Carter started helping her shove folders back in her bag.

"Do you think I'll be good at it?" she asked.

"I think you'll be amazing," he told her as they started to walk inside.

"Thanks,"

"You know that's my shirt right?" Carter asked, and Tate looked down at the shirt she was wearing.

It was a solid color flannel shirt in a deep shade of cerulean blue that she'd borrowed from Carter ages ago when she'd been cold at school one day. It was perfectly soft and just the right amount of oversized that she'd conveniently forgotten to ever give it back. Since they'd broken up in the summer, she hadn't worn it since, and it'd been sitting in the back of her closet for months.

"Oh, right. You can have it back," she said hurriedly.

"Nah, keep it. It looks better on you anyway," he told her.

Will was sitting at his desk in the precinct when his phone rang. Checking the caller ID, he noticed it was Anna, and quickly answered the phone.

"Hey Anna, are the boys alright?" Will asked.

"Yeah, the boys are fine but Tate hasn't come back yet," she told him.

Anna usually stayed with the boys until Will got home at 5 o'clock but since she had an exam to take for one of her classes that afternoon Tate was supposed to look after the boys. Will had asked her to head home as soon as she got out of school, meaning she should've been home by 2:15, or at the very latest 2:30. A glance at the clock mounted on the wall told Will it was already 3:30.

"I know she probably just forgot and went out with friends or something, but I need to get going soon," Anna continued.

Despite knowing Anna was probably right–that Tate had just forgotten and went off with friends–he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Tate wasn't the type of kid to forget her responsibilities, and she definitely wouldn't have blatantly ignored them. Will also knew that Anna would have tried to call Tate before resorting to interrupting him at work, so the fact that Tate hadn't answered her phone was even more concerning.

"I'll ask Kate if she can take the boys and then I can go by the school and find Tate," Will said as he stood up and went to tell his captain he had to go.

Will had never been the type of person to leave work unless it was a true emergency, so his captain had no problem with him leaving. After quickly checking to make sure Kate could take the boys for the afternoon, Will grabbed his keys and headed out to his truck to drive to the high school. He parked in the back lot near the soccer fields where he knew Tate liked to hang out. As he was scanning the crowd of kids spread across the field, he heard someone calling his name and he turned toward the voice.

"Hey Will," Carter greeted him, slightly out of breath from running laps around the field during practice.

"Hey Carter, have you seen Tate? She was supposed to go home and watch the boys but she never came back,"

"I haven't seen her since last period," Carter told him, before turning around to face a crowd of boys standing in the middle of the field.

"Noah! Ben! Have either of you seen Tate around?"

The two boys shook their heads and Will shoved down the wave of panic inside of him that had been growing ever since Anna called.

"Have you tried calling Ellie or Lucy yet?" Carter asked.

"Neither of them have seen her," Will replied.

"Maybe try the diner on 5th St? She likes to do homework there sometimes," the boy suggested.

"Yeah, I'll head over there. If you see her, tell her to call me,"

"No problem. Have her text me when you track her down, okay?" Carter said, and Will could tell the boy was slightly worried now.

"I will," he told Carter, before heading back out to the parking lot.

While he was in the car, Will called Kate to make sure Tate hadn't wandered home yet, but the woman hadn't seen her. As a last resort, he gave Abby a call. Tate only saw Abby twice a month now, but it wasn't like Tate had never shown up at her office out of the blue before. There'd been a few times where Tate had had a rough day and didn't want to go home when Anna and the boys were the only ones there, so she'd gone to the office. Another time she'd had a panic attack right after school, and Carter had ended up driving her over to see the doctor. However, just like Kate and everyone else, Abby had seen no sign of Tate and neither had her secretary.

Will parked his car on the street near the diner and hurried inside, the bell above the doorway clanging loudly as he made his way in. A quick glance around told him Tate wasn't there, as the place was fairly small. He headed over to the counter where an elderly man was counting out some money from the cash register.

"Excuse me," he said, interrupting the man's counting as he pulled a picture of Tate and the boys out of his wallet. "Have you seen my daughter around?"

The man took the photo from him and examined it carefully, smiling slightly.

"Yeah, I know her. Tate, right? She and a few of her friends come in here a lot. They're a nice group of kids,".

"Has she come in at all today?"

"I've been working out front all day and I haven't seen her, sorry," the man said.

Will sighed and glanced at his watch. It was five o'clock, meaning Tate hadn't been seen by anyone in three hours. At first, Will had tried to convince himself that Tate was just being another typical teenager that forgot something her parents asked her to do, but now it was becoming painfully clear. Tate was missing. She wasn't at home, wasn't at school, wasn't at the diner or Abby's. None of her friends had seen or heard from her. She was gone, and Will had no idea where she was.

JJ was sitting on the jet quietly talking to Blake and Spence. They'd just finished a week-long case and were flying home to DC, and JJ was looking forward to finally being home. Just as Reid started rambling about a new book he'd read, JJ's phone began to ring, and she looked at him apologetically before seeing that it was Will and answering the phone.

"Hey babe," she said.

"Tate's missing," he told her hurriedly, and JJ felt her blood run cold.

"What do you mean she's missing?" she asked.

Maybe Tate had just gone to a friend's house, or her phone had died. People called the police every day to say their kid was missing, only to have them walk in the door an hour later. That was probably what was happening, and Will was just overreacting.

"She hasn't come home, she isn't answering her phone, and no one has seen her since two o'clock,".

JJ quickly looked at her watch and saw it was quarter past five. She cursed quietly under her breath, but still tried to remain optimistic.

"Did you look around the school?" she asked, hoping Will would say no.

"Of course I did. Christ, Jayge, no one knows where she is. She isn't at school, or the library, or the diner, or Abby's office. She's gone," Will snapped.

JJ felt pure panic bubbling up inside her as she tried to remember how to breathe. Tate couldn't be missing; another one of her children couldn't be gone. JJ knew exactly what happened to missing children, and it was nothing good. So Tate couldn't be gone, it wasn't possible.

"Everything already JJ?" Rossi asked from his seat across the aisle.

"Tate's missing," were the only two words she could form at the moment.

"How long?" Hotch asked, immediately on alert and ready to go into problem-solving mode.

"Three hours," she said quietly.

"Has Will checked-" Spencer began, and JJ cut him off.

"He's checked everywhere, and no one's heard from her,"

The plane fell silent for a moment, and everyone looked over to Hotch, waiting for him to tell them what to do. Part of JJ couldn't help but hope that Aaron would tell them they were being ridiculous, that Tate would show up any minute and be fine. If Hotch didn't think anything was wrong, then that was that.

"Tell Will to go to the precinct and let them know she's missing. We'll meet him there as soon as we land," Hotch told her, and JJ felt her heart sink.

She slowly raised the phone to her ear again, and tried to take a deep breath.

"Hotch wants you to call it in," JJ told her husband.

She heard Will inhale sharply, and then there was silence for a minute. She knew he was thinking the exact same thing as her; someone had taken their child. They'd failed to protect her, and now she was God knows where, in danger JJ didn't even want to imagine.

"Okay," Will said quietly before hanging up.

He'd gone back to the school as a last resort, in the vain hope that Tate would be there. He had checked all the sports fields and then searched through the library before calling JJ. As he headed out the back exit of the library to take a shortcut to the parking lot, Will noticed something glinting in the fading sunlight. He kneeled down on the pavement and froze as he recognized the object. It was Tate's necklace. He picked it up to be sure, and examined the engraving on the front; St. Christopher, the saint of protection. Tate had worn it every day since Harlan had given it to her, and she never would've taken it off. As Will examined it closer, he noticed the clasp was snapped. Someone had ripped it off of her neck.

Will sat down on the steps as he felt himself start to hyperventilate. He couldn't get any air in his lungs. Someone had taken his child, his little girl. He had one single job in this world, and it was to protect his children, and now he'd failed not once, but twice. His daughter had disappeared into thin air and no one could find her. Tate could be in the trunk of some sicko's car, or dead in a ditch somewhere, all because he hadn't done his job. He felt like he was drowning, like he was dying. The thought of Tate being scared or in pain all because he hadn't paid enough attention was killing him. She was suffering, and it was all his fault.

If only Will had realized Tate was missing earlier.

If only he'd been a better father.

If only.

"to live in this world
you must be able
to do three things
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go" –Mary Oliver