AN: Thank you for the reviews and follows! I love hearing your thoughts.
The atmosphere of the indoor play pit in Dauntless is much like the rest of our faction - rowdy with a side of possible recklessness, and today is no different. I look over at my best friend, following her line of sight to where her husband Will is sliding down a slide with their five year old son Tanner, both laughing the entire time. Christina and Will were what our circle of friends have always called couple goals. The two transfers, who had both had their share of relationships before choosing Dauntless were a true love at first sight story.
Christina absentmindedly rubs her protruding belly, swollen in her sixth month of pregnancy. They are having a girl this time, one they will name Paisley Rose, her middle name after the sister Christina left behind in Candor, who is now thriving in her new chosen faction of Amity. Christina and Will were the epitome of what a happy and healthy relationship should be. The way they are so in tune with each other, how his calm and level headed nature is the balance for Christina's blunt and fiery personality.
I'm still zoned out when she speaks again, "Why have I not seen Eric since the boy's birthday party?" She asks, before taking a sip of her coffee, "Ugh, I hate decaf." She remarks absentmindedly.
"Been busy I guess," I shrug.
It's a lie, and with her Candor upbringing I know that she knows it. Eric and I had a fight over a month ago about Esme, and I had kicked him out of my apartment. The next week we were celebrating the boy's birthdays, with Declan, Tanner and Rowan all having birthdays within five days of each other, and the show had to go on. Eric did manage to help, but even with his best efforts to talk to me I still kept my distance. Christina and Will had both noticed, and while Will hadn't pressed me for details, his much more boisterous wife had been trying to get me to talk for weeks.
"So, are you ready to tell me why you're suddenly arranging visits for Eric and the kids that doesn't include you?" Christina asks as she stirs her coffee.
"He took them to watch movies at his apartment." I reply.
"Tris, for going on three weeks you've hung out with me while Eric hangs out with your kids, on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. This is a custody arrangement, not a casual movie date. You two barely interacted for the boy's party. What's going on?" She presses.
"The kids want to spend time with him, and vice versa." I reply vaguely before taking a sip of my own coffee.
I'm surprised when her warm hand covers my cold one, "I'm here for you, and I hope that you know that. This is a judgment free zone. Please talk to me. What happened, sweetie?"
I'm even more surprised when the words just come tumbling out. I tell her everything, even the parts of me that I've kept hidden from my therapist. It started with my strict Abnegation upbringing, eighteen years in a faction that taught women that they were subservient to the men they were forced to love. I may have chosen Dauntless, finished in the top half of our intense initiation, and spent over six years here blending in as if I actually belonged, but there were things that I allowed in my marriage that were Abnegation teachings, and not Dauntless, and those same teachings were bleeding into the life I was trying to rebuild. Now at barely the age of twenty-five, I am a divorced mother of three children, dealing with the details an investigation uncovered that provided answers to many of the questions I was left with after my ex-husband's life was cut so tragically short.
I finally open up to her about Eric, and how I began to have feelings for him when I was still pregnant with Jewel. Admitting that out loud for the first time was difficult for me, and I could feel my cheeks heating up. I stop talking, and look down at the table we're sitting at.
"Hey, why is it so hard for you to admit you are feeling something towards Eric?" Christina asks gently.
"He's sleeping with that nurse in the infirmary. The one who I told you about a few weeks back that had the really strange conversation with me." I reply angrily.
"Wait, like as in currently is sleeping with her, or had slept with her in the past?" She presses.
"The night I asked Eric to leave my apartment, he ended up at Esme's apartment and didn't leave until the next morning."
Christina's brown eyes are wide and the look on her face perfectly describes how I feel right now.
"How do you know that for sure?" She asks.
"Marlene saw it while she was on her shift in the control room and she came to the shop and told me. I decided that I've had enough. Eric and I made the arrangements for the kids' sake, and we've stuck to them."
"Tris..." she trails off. I just look up at her with my watery eyes and she comes over to my side of the table and wraps her arms around me, "I don't know what happened, but I know whatever it is you are absolutely heartbroken. I'm so sorry."
"The worst part of all of this is that my children adore him, they look at him like a father, especially Rowan and Jewel. Declan actually trusts him, he's the only one besides his therapist that he talks to about Four. I don't want to take that relationship from them just because I was an idiot and fell for him." I cry.
"You are not an idiot. We could all see the shift in the relationship between the two of you. Tris, before Four died I would agree that you and Eric were just friends. Something changed when he died though." She hands me some napkins and I mop the tears away from my eyes, "Does Eric have any idea how you feel about him?" She asks.
I laugh sarcastically through the tears, "I don't even know how I feel about him."
"I think that you do, and I think this is why it's so incredibly hard for you." Christina replies.
"So what if I do, it doesn't matter now. He obviously has someone else, even if he doesn't want to acknowledge that she's his girlfriend, it's obvious that he can't keep it in his pants. I don't want that. I don't want someone who hangs around with my children and me, who seems to be trying to figure out if he actually wants to be a family man while he keeps banging some chick on the side. How am I supposed to feel about that?" I ask.
"Hurt." Christina replies with a sigh, "I just wish you'd at least talk to him."
"And say what? Beg him to actually acknowledge that he feels something for me too? Ask him to please stop fucking other people while we figure things out?" I reply angrily.
"Wait, let's back that statement up. Had there been no Esme, you're telling me you're not sure what you want either?" She asks.
"No, I wasn't sure, but when the kids were all sick and he was there with us, like actually staying with us, it just made me want that part to stay." I admit.
"Tris, you need to talk to him. Clear the air, get the feelings out on the table, and see if there's something there you can build on." She replies.
"I can't." I shake my head.
"Why?" She asks, and for the first time in our conversation I can hear the exasperation in her voice.
"Because this entire situation has made feel like an idiot. Maybe I am naïve to the way relationships or intimate encounters work in Dauntless, but I'm just not into the idea of him just casually fucking someone while he was literally playing house with me. I want sex too, I mean I literally have not had sex since Jewel was conceived, but you don't find me out there banging Dustin while Eric and I figure our shit out." I reply angrily.
"Not everyone thinks like that, Tris. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings at all, but I want you to see it from a perspective other than your own." Christina replies.
"I might be done trying with him, Chris. What if I've been so blinded by what Eric and I could be that I'm dismissing someone else entirely?" I ask.
"Dustin." She states and I nod, "Okay, well why don't you take him up on his dinner offer? That man has been patient as hell, what's the harm in having one actual date with him?"
"I have the kids to think about." I reply.
"How about if they stay with Will and me tonight? I can have Eric drop them at my place." Christina replies with a smile.
"Let me see if he's even available." I grin back at her and pick up my phone to text him, "Wow, that was a fast response. He's off at five and wants to have dinner. Are you sure you don't mind watching them?"
"Not at all," She replies.
"Momma, watch this!" Tanner calls out to Christina and we sit in silence, watching Will and Tanner chase each other around the sprawling indoor complex. I'm surprised when I see Declan barreling towards Tanner, and I look around and see Eric with Jewel strapped to his chest, a diaper bag on his back and my four year old son Rowan's hand in his.
"Do you need to get out of here?" Christina asks and I nod my head and she attempts to stand until I stop her.
"You don't need to leave though, stay here and spend time with your family. I love you so much, thank you for always being there for me." I reply before hugging her tight and standing up to leave.
I can feel Eric watching me, but I refuse to make eye contact, instead focusing solely on making my way out of the play pit.
"Momma!" I hear Rowan call out and then I feel him wrap his arms around my legs, stopping my movements.
"Hi baby boy." I smile down at him.
"Whewe awe you going?" He asks, his bright hazel eyes looking into my own.
"I was just going to head home and give you all some time with your daddy." I reply and he rests his chin on my hip.
"You should stay hewe, Daddy says he misses you a whole lot." Rowan replies, "I'm thiwsty Momma." He whines.
"And tired, huh?" I grin at him. He raises his arms to be picked up and I lift him onto my hip.
"Can I get a juice pwease? Daddy has the gwape one in the backpack," He rests his head on my shoulder.
"Sure baby boy." I reply, "Did you not take a nap today?"
"I don't need no nap, I'm a big boy now," He argues as he snuggles against me.
"I can take him," Eric says as he approaches us and I shake my head. I look across the room and see Christina with Jewel, sitting with Will while the watch Tanner and Declan play.
"I've got him, he wants grape juice." I reply and Eric rummages through the bag until he finds one.
We sit down at the closest table to the play pit, and Rowan scrambles off of my lap and onto Eric's, grabbing his juice box and leaning against Eric's chest. He's twirling his curly hair around his finger, a telltale sign of an overtired toddler. His eyes get heavier until he finally closes them, dropping his head against Eric. I grab the juice box from his hand before he drops it, and I quietly set it on the table. I move to walk away, but I feel Eric's hand on my arm.
"Stay, please." He says quietly.
"I can't, I have plans. Enjoy your time with the kids." I reply before walking out of the play pit and heading up towards my apartment.
My phone keeps pinging and I read the missed texts from Eric, all are in the same tone, asking me why I'm being so cold towards him. I reply to ask that he only contact me about the kids, and then I slide my phone into my pocket and go back and take a shower to prepare for my first actual date in years.
I take my time getting ready, actually blow drying and straightening my hair, putting make up on and looking in my closet for something that doesn't scream casual mom look. I get a text from Dustin letting me know he's running late because of an issue at work, but I am surprised to hear my doorbell ringing shortly after the text.
When I answer the door, I am face to face with Eric.
"You look… wow…" He stammers and I glance down at my outfit of leggings, a dark sweater dress and calf high boots.
"What do you need?" I ask and he take a deep breath.
"Can I come in?" He asks.
"Eric, I-"
"Have plans, yeah I can see that, but Tris I really need to talk to you." He presses. I step to the side to let him in. "Whoever it is, please don't go out with them." He says once he's sitting on my couch.
"Who are you to tell me what to do with my life? Especially when you had a whole fucking relationship while you were playing house with me." I reply angrily.
"I wasn't playing house with you, Tris, I was here because I wanted to be here." He argues.
"What about Esme?" I counter.
"What about her?" He asks angrily.
"Eric, I was blindsided. I go down to pick up a prescription for my son and I've got some woman asking me to send her boyfriend home, after she insulted me for my looks. Then, you fucking stayed at her apartment overnight."
His face falls, "You heard."
"Of course I did. I didn't seek this information out, but someone close to me told me after they saw it with their own eyes. I get it, we're not together now, and we never have been. I can't expect you to not want to go fuck someone else-"
"That's not how it is-"
"Then how is it? You admitted yourself that she was a casual fling, at minimum. She thought it was more, and very loudly and forcefully let me know. You and I have a fight and where did you go? Her place."
"I went there to officially end it since she decided to take it upon herself to confront you the way she did. I went there to tell her she had no right interfering in anything that has to do with my future relationships with you, or those children." He spits.
"That conversation required you to stay overnight?" I counter and he takes a deep breath.
"No." He shakes his head.
"I have no right to ask you what happened, but knowing you stayed there overnight hurts." I reply, trying as best as I can to keep my words even and the tears at bay.
"I hadn't slept with her in a long time, pretty much before Four died. I hadn't been with anyone. When you kicked me out, I was upset, and stupid, and I went to her. I had every intention of just having a conversation and leaving, but we drank, and I made some bad decisions." He replies wearily.
"We're done here."
"Tris, I don't expect you to understand. I was a fucking idiot, I was pissed at you, I was pissed at the situation-"
"No, you don't get to blame me for why you had one last hurrah with your ex-whatever she is. You made the decision to go there, to get drunk and to fuck her."
"It's a lot, Tris, okay? I have three kids who look at me like I'm their dad, I have a responsibility to them and to you." He argues, "You threw me out like none of that mattered to you-"
"No one forced that on you!" I shout at him, "I never once asked you for a damn thing. You don't have to be their dad, and you damn sure don't have to be anything for me. If it was too much, you have an adult conversation with me about it."
"I want to be their dad, not just this bullshit of pretending, I want to actually legally be their dad!" He yells and I gape at him.
"What?"
"You heard me." He replies, "I want to be their dad, and I want to be with you. I need you to know that."
"Great, now I know." I reply curtly and he just stares at me.
"That's it?"
"Did you have sex with her the night we had our fight?"
"We had some sexual contact, but I stopped it before it got that far. I want you, Tris. Not her, you. I want to be with you. I want-"
"What type of sexual contact?" I press and his face drops.
"Do you really want to get into this?" He asks and I nod, "Oral. She started to give me head, and I stopped her in the middle of it. It didn't go any further." He admits quietly.
"That's far enough," I reply with tears in my eyes, "I want to know that any time we have a fight or disagreement you're not going to go get head from someone else. I guess we don't always get what we want. You need to leave."
"Tris, I have real feelings for you." He stammers.
"Thanks for telling me that after another woman had your fucking dick in her mouth last night. Get out."
"I don't want to end things this way, I want to talk about us, I want to get everything out in the open." He pleads.
"Okay, you want things out in the open, Eric? I've been fighting a constant battle because I have another man, who my ex-husband hated, here raising his children. I've been terrified of this exact situation, where we let our adult shit interfere with your relationship with my children. I've been scared of everything I feel for you ruining what we have, and here I am desperately in love with you and listening to you try to explain to me why it was a better idea for you to get drunk and let your casual hookup give you a blow job than for you to talk to her about how you feel. I get to hear how you went there to end things, but then somehow your dick just ended up in her mouth again because you and I had a fight. There it is, all out in the open, the stupid little former Abnegation who can't understand how casual sex works in Dauntless, fell in love with a guy who can't break up with a girl he was fucking without almost fucking her again, and yet I am supposed to be okay with all of this."
A knock on my apartment door interrupts us, and I walk over and throw the door open. Dustin is there, holding flowers and his eyes widen when he takes in my tear stained face.
"What's wrong?" He asks, but then I see him looking past me at Eric, "I should go."
"Please don't, he's leaving." I reply. When I turn to look at Eric, he shakes his head and leans back on my couch, making it clear he has no plans to move, "Actually, we can just leave." I grab my purse.
"Tris, don't leave after that, please-" Eric begs as I slam the door behind me.
"Tris, if this is a bad time-"
"Dustin, I'm sorry you had to walk in on me fighting with him. It's complicated, and I understand if you don't want to be in the middle of it." I reply.
He reaches out his hand to me and I take it, entwining our fingers together, "I know it's complicated, and it looks like you could desperately use a friend tonight. Let's go somewhere so we can talk."
I nod my head as the tears burn at my eyes again, and I let him lead me away.