AN: Thank you again for the reviews and follows.
I take a deep breath in, and calmly pick up the pair of shoes my oldest son has refused to put on this morning before turning to my youngest son.
"Rowan, would you please go upstairs and play for just a little while? I need to have a private talk with Declan." I say in as even of a voice as I can muster. Rowan's hazel eyes are wide, knowing that there's something bothering his usually well behaved older brother, but he thankfully listens and bounds back up the stairs to his room.
Jewel continues to babble at her light up toys, completely oblivious to the tension in the room, and I sit on the oversized couch near Declan, who is refusing to even look at me.
"Declan, what's going on today?" I ask my five year old.
"What did you do?" He asks me, without turning towards me.
"I asked you to put shoes on so we can get you all to the day care. Momma has to go to work, this isn't unusual." I reply evenly.
"It's your fauwt." He replies.
"Declan, you have to help me understand you buddy, what's my fault?" I ask.
"You made my fiwst daddy leave, and now you made my second daddy leave too!" He shouts.
I feel like I've been punched in the gut.
"Declan, that's not true-"
"Yes it is!" He finally looks at me and there are large tears pooling in his eyes, "My fiwst daddy left hewe because of you! Now my Daddy Ewic won't come for dinnew, he won't come wead me and Wowan stowies, he won't sleep hewe." He starts crying harder but when I reach for him he pushes my hands away, "He says tomowwow we are going to get stuff for ouw wooms thewe but I don't want a woom thewe I want my Daddy Ewic hewe and I want you to tell him you sowwy so he comes back. Tell Daddy Ewic you sowwy Momma, you have to be sowwy and get him back…." He's full on sobbing and I pull him onto my lap.
I wrap my arms around my crying son and press my lips to his hair. It'd been a little over two weeks since Eric and I had that huge fight, and also since Dustin and I had our almost sexual encounter. Thankfully, he and I had been able to avoid awkwardness afterward, but that night I had ended up spending the night with him, exhausted from crying and the emotions of the day. Eric had found out that I had slept at Dustin's house, how he did I may never know, but ever since he's been almost obsessively texting and calling me.
I have been refusing to talk to him.
"Declan, I am so sorry. I am sorry to you, to Rowan and to Jewel for my part in what's going on with Eric. I know this is so much for you to understand, and I promise you I will do everything I can to make things right. I never made your Daddy leave-"
"You made Daddy Ewic leave." He cuts in and I nod my head.
"Yes, I did. We had a disagreement, and we both needed some time to work through our thoughts about the disagreement we had."
Declan pulls away from me slightly and looks up at me with those big brown eyes, looking exactly like the father he lost, "Did you and my fiwst Daddy have a disagreement?" He asks.
This time, it's me who swallows back tears as I shake my head, "No baby, that was a lot different. Your first Daddy made some bad choices, some very dangerous choices. He may have thought he was doing the right thing to help other people, but he was misled, and when he realized that he had made a mistake it was too late. The bad people he had been trying to help decided to hurt him instead."
"Why would he help othew people instead of helping me and Wowan and Jewel?" He asks.
It's a question I ask myself all the time, and one I may never have a true answer to. I don't like to mislead anyone, especially my children, but this morning I have to fill in some blanks.
"I think Daddy thought he was helping everyone with the decisions he made. He thought the time away from us would end up helping us in the long run, and maybe he thought he could come home one day too. Declan, you have to understand that even if your Daddy hadn't of died, we wouldn't be together. We would have had two apartments just like Eric and I do now, and you and your brother and sister would be spending time over there with him just like you do now with Eric." I explain gently.
"But my Daddy Ewic is hewe and when I ask him or ask you why we can't all be togethew you bof say the same things." He replies angrily, "When me and Wowan have a fight you and Daddy make us talk about it and make up. Why don't you and Daddy haf to do the same thing?"
Just like that, my five year old has proven to be wiser than the adults trying to raise him.
"You're right." I reply and I get the faintest of grins from Declan, "I can see if he has time today to talk, okay?"
"Will you ask him to come home for dinnew aftew you talk? Will you tell him that me and Wowan want him to come home?"
"I will ask him if he can come for dinner, can we start there?" I ask and I get a nod, "He's been working a lot lately, but no matter what I will work on this today buddy. I promise you I will have an update when I pick you up from day care, okay?"
I get a true smile and a hug from Declan, and he finally is ready to begin his day. I shoot a quick text to Tori and Bud, letting them know I'm running late, and we make our way down to the day care with Declan in a much better mood. I don't know exactly how to approach anything with Eric, but I promised my boy I will try and I plan on keeping that promise.
Thankfully, the tattoo parlor is dead when I arrive, and I have time to get myself together before seeing any customers. Tori pops her head in the door of my station and I look up at her and sigh.
"You okay?" She asks.
"No. Declan broke down today, Tor. He not only referred to Eric as his second daddy, he blamed me for making both Eric and Four leave us."
"Oh my God." She breathes out and she perches on the oversized tattoo chair next to me, "Tris, you could have just stayed home."
"We talked it out, and I promised him I would talk to Eric but how am I going to do that? I am so fucking angry at him." I sigh.
"Tris, I know Christina has been the president of the Eric hating club since that fight the two of you had, but it's time for some tough love, and I think you need to hear it." Tori says and I turn on the oversized chair so I'm looking at her, "You and Eric are both to blame for the issues between you."
"What?" I ask.
"You're both at fault, and it's going to take both of you to fix it." She states evenly, "I know he got drunk and almost hooked up with his ex, and you blurt out that you're in love with him then high tail it out of your apartment and almost hooked up with your friend. You're both wrong." She presses.
"While I will admit that my coming onto Dustin was a complete bonehead move, I can't believe you'd actually equate it to Eric basically stringing his ex along while he explored things with me." I argue.
"You've strung Dustin along the entire time you've been exploring things with Eric." She challenges and I draw in a sharp breath.
"No, this isn't the same." I argue weakly but she cuts me off.
"Only because you are a lot less comfortable with casual sex," She says bluntly and l feel the heat on my cheeks, "You blush when I even mention casual sex. Tell me if you had a different outlook on sex, and it being something that can be just for pleasure, you wouldn't have already hooked up with Dustin."
"Tori..."
"Nope. You and Dustin have been hanging out and flirting for months now, and you even went out with him on a date. It may have been just to distract you from the man you're in love with, but still a date. Leading Dustin on is no different that Eric leading the nurse on. Neither of you were mature enough to have a conversation with each other, and it needs to happen."
I pause, because my immediate reaction is to be angry at Tori for what she's saying, but I realize she's right.
"What if he actually has feelings for her?" I ask and she scowls at me.
"There's one person you can ask. You have a decision to make, and it needs to be soon, for you and your kids' sake. Decide where Eric fits in your life and stop ignoring him." She says firmly.
"I never thought about the similarities in what we both had going on outside of whatever was happening with us. I've been immature." I admit.
"Tris, sex can sometimes be just sex. I know that goes against everything you know, but in almost every other faction it's not taboo like you were taught."
"I do know that, I just have had such a hard time embracing it. I've only been with Four, and only once we were married. It's not like we only had sex to conceive our children, but by the time I had finally started to embrace that sex was something for pleasure he had already started pulling away." I feel tears pricking at my eyes and I blink them away, "My feelings for Eric stopped me from going too far with Dustin, I just wish his had stopped him from going too far with her."
"I can't speak for why things went as far as they did with her, only he can and that's why I wish you'd talk to him. This stalemate that the two of you are at is making you both suffer, and now your kids are confused as well. Your upbringing, and your marriage have both hindered you in having a healthy relationship with Eric. I'm not saying he's been perfect, because he's been just as stubborn as you when it comes to talking about what's going on between you, but based on what I know of him I can imagine it was his best attempt to give you time. Eric isn't a very demonstrative person when it comes to feelings, but in the over eight years that I've known him what he does show you and your children is more than I've ever seen. Tris, talk to him." Tori replies.
My text alerts and Tori quirks an eyebrow at me, "Speak of the devil." She smirks.
I push off of the chair and read the latest one, surprised when I see it's from Dustin.
"Not Eric, this time it's Dustin asking about going to lunch later. I'm going to tell him no, and send Eric a text instead. I'm going to try to figure this out. Thank you, Tori." I say and she smiles at me.
"You know I just want you to be happy, you never have to thank me."
Tori moves to her station since her appointment shows up and I grab one of the new initiates who are milling around in the waiting room. She's nervous, and when she blurts out she's afraid of needles I can tell she's expecting me to lash out. Instead, we sit and talk about what is driving her to come in for a tattoo when she has a sincere fear of needles. I find out her name is Britni, and I learn that she's a transfer from Amity, scored Dauntless on her aptitude test, and wants desperately to face her fear head on instead of waiting to do it during fear landscapes. She has a boyfriend who transferred last year, and he warned her it would be ugly, so she's here to conquer it.
We work together, talking the entire time as I draw out a flowering vine she remembers from her childhood home. I explain every movement I am making as I go through the process, from readying my station to finally picking the gun up. We talk throughout, and she even asks about the multiple photos of my children, along with their artwork scattered across my station.
"He looks familiar," She mentions as she gestures towards a print of Eric holding Rowan, where I'm getting a rare smile from both of them.
"He should, he's one of your new leaders," Sharita, my apprentice from the last initiation class pipes in.
"Oh gosh, I have so much to learn. He's the guy from the roof today, right? He looked a lot scarier this morning." Britni chuckles.
"Girl, he is scary as hell. Let me tell you, don't get on his bad side. He's the leader that observes initiation and he's tough as hell, and he can cut you with just a look. I don't even care that I'm saying this in front of his babies momma." Sharita giggles and I find myself laughing with her.
"He's definitely intimidating, and he expects the best." I reply and we continue to make small talk as Sharita and I finish the tattoo.
When we're done, Britni looks at the tattoo on awe, "I can't believe I did it. Thank you both so much for calming my fears, this tattoo is absolutely beautiful, and I appreciate you so much for helping me get it." Brinti replies sincerely and I smile at her in return as I walk her to the front to pay.
"You're really good at that, you know?" Sharita says as she helps me clean my station.
"Hmm?" I ask as I continue cleaning.
"Calming people down. I was shadowing Bud last night and he had someone who freaked out when they say the piercing needle. His approach was more just shut up and deal, while you seem to have this whole distract them by just talking thing down pat." She grins at me.
"It's being a mother," I retort with a smile of my own, "I can't tell you how many times I have to talk my kids through something. Always an adventure with three tiny humans."
"I still can't believe you have three kids!" She says as she pushes her huge halo of curly black hair back with a headband, "You and Eric really got started young, huh? Oh lord, I'm losing my filter again, I'm sorry Tris, I'm all in your business."
"No, you're fine Sharita, this is what we do right? As artists, we get to know our clients, so when they come in not only can we help them make their vision a reality, we also know them well enough to put something on their skin that has true meaning to them, and them alone. I've been here seven years now, and I have a five year old and three year old son, and my daughter is almost eight months." I reply.
She's looking at the many pictures I have of them scattered throughout my station, one is a framed print that Christina took when I was pregnant with Jewel. It's Eric, me and the boys, and I see Sharita pause at it.
"Your youngest son really looks so much like Eric." She remarks offhandedly, "My mom always said that she carried me for almost ten months and I came out a clone of my daddy. Is that how you feel about him?"
I smile at her youthfulness and just how sweet she seems to be, "I'm glad they're all a good mix, no hard feelings for sure." I chuckle.
It's refreshing almost to talk to Sharita, a Candor transfer who doesn't even realize that there's a tragic story behind the scenes of my life. She has no idea that there even was a man who promised to love us forever but left us without a trace. We spend the next few minutes getting the station clean, before she's called away to help Lauren with her latest customer.
The bell above the door gets my attention and I head towards the lobby, expecting another initiate, but finding Eric there idly making small talk with Bud.
"Hi." I say quietly and he nods at me, "I've got this one, Bud."
"Can I shadow?" Ethan, the overly eager apprentice asks and Bud thankfully steps in.
"Not this one," Bud says firmly and I smile at him in thanks.
Eric follows me to my station, neither of us talking until I've closed the door and curtain, giving us as much privacy as my room offers.
"I hope its okay for me to come by, having this conversation isn't ideal with the kids around, so I thought maybe it would be best to try for now." He explains and I lean against the counter while he mimics my posture across my station.
"It's fine."
There's silence between us, uncomfortable and almost suffocating, and I stare down at the floor.
"I shouldn't have ever gone there. After I left your apartment, I went down to The Pit, saw Peter down there and had few shots and a beer. He's someone I can talk to, you know. I'm blowing off steam from our fight and he pretty much set me straight. Told me I needed to clear the air with Esme because she had crossed a line by talking to you to get to me. At that point, I figure it was time to just get it over with. I felt a decent buzz when I got to Esme's place, and she thought I was there to hook up. I mean, when I showed up at her place after drinking that's just what she expected from the past. She brought out the scotch, and I did take another shot while I was there. I just wanted to be numb. I know that's not the bravery that I preach about, but it's what I did and it was wrong. While I was there it just felt like I was getting sleepier and sleepier for some reason. She brought me water, and even coffee, thinking I was drunk and it would sober me up, but it felt like it was just getting worse. Tris, it sounds fucked up but I don't remember how it went from her and I basically arguing to that shit happening. I don't know if it's my tolerance is really fucking low, or what but one second I feel like I'm dozing off and the next she's going down on me. As soon as my brain caught up to my body, I stopped her immediately, and I fucking left."
"So you didn't want her." I say quietly.
"Of course I didn't. I didn't go there to hook up with her. I went there because she had disrespected you, and because after talking to you I realized I needed to close that door completely with her. I fucked up Tris, I went over there after I had been drinking and didn't just have a sober conversation."
"I was so angry at you when I left my apartment that night." I admit quietly, "I had made a decision earlier that day to have dinner with Dustin. When you showed up and we had that conversation, I was just so angry. I didn't know how to handle any of it. All I could do was think about you with her."
"I'm sorry that it happened Tris, it's not at all what I went there to do. I went there to end things, but I messed up by getting drunk before." He replies.
"I tried to sleep with Dustin that night." I blurt and Eric's eyes jerk up to meet mine, "I tried to be Dauntless and just casually hook up with Dustin, but I couldn't."
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"I couldn't do it." I stammer.
"You're serious? You tried to have sex with him?" He asks as he pushes himself off of the counter.
"I did, and I'm not proud of myself. I thought I could distract myself from what was going on with us, but I couldn't do it because of how I feel about you."
"I don't know what to say. I'm hurt, but I guess I deserve it." He shakes his head.
"I didn't do it to hurt you." I reply. I'm trying my hardest not to cry, and Eric refuses to even look at me.
"So are we even now?" He asks angrily.
"That's not fair-"
He stares at me, and I can almost feel his anger, but he surprises me by closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
"You're right, it's not fair. Can we just stop hurting each other?" He asks.
I nod my head, and we spend several seconds just staring at each other.
"Where do we start, Tris?" He asks quietly.
"Declan wants you to come over for dinner tonight. Can we start there?" I ask and he nods his head.
"I'll be there after work." He says quietly before walking out of my station. I watch him as he walks through the shop, garnering stares from the initiates, but he never looks back.