AN: Hope everyone had a good Valentine's Day. Here's an early update, hope you enjoy.
It's my first day back in the training room since I was an initiate myself and I can almost smell the fear as I make my way inside. Training has been going on for two weeks now, and today is the first day of knife throwing, and I was asked to assist with this portion of training. It is something I'm actually equal parts excited and nervous about, especially since it's the first time I've ever been asked to come in as a mentor.
"This is Tris, she finished initiation over six years ago. She's a highly accomplished tattoo artist, one of the best in our faction. She also holds the highest scores in knife throwing and weapons, outside of the leadership team. She will be here as one of our subject matter experts, you will treat her with the same respect as you do Uriah and me." Eric's voice booms across the room and I see some skeptical looks from the male initiates, and one has the audacity to actually snicker.
"Is something funny, initiate?" I ask before Eric can even speak. The tall initiate has a mop of blonde hair, and a large smirk on his face.
"It's just weird that someone who's supposedly their top weapons handler is just a tattoo artist." He replies.
"She's hot though," Another one says, trying to disguise it as a cough.
I walk through the initiates until I am face to face with the two idiots, "What's your name?" I ask the one who coughed.
"Ellis." He replies sheepishly.
"How about you?" I turn to the taller one, who spoke out.
"Taylor." He smirks.
"Let's see what you've got." I smirk and turn away, "Ellis and Taylor have volunteered to demonstrate their incredible weapons skills class, isn't that wonderful?" I ask as I turn back to face the initiates, "We're in for a treat, aren't we boys?" I smile sweetly at the two nervous teenagers who followed me.
I catch Uriah's eye as I make my way to the station, and he smiles at me. Eric keeps his stone face, but for just a second I can see his lip turn up, and I realize he's fighting his own urge to smile.
"Go ahead, Ellis, get us started." I prompt, and the dark haired boy looks at me wide eyed.
"I don't know how to do it." He admits.
"Oh, well that's going to reflect poorly on your scores today Ellis. Such a shame, "I reply in a voice dripping with sarcasm, "How about you Taylor, can you demonstrate?" I ask.
The tall blonde smirks at me, and for a moment I imagine a young Eric in his own training class.
"Damn right I can, you're not docking my score for this. It's throwing a knife. Easy." Taylor replies and he tosses the first knife at the target, and it plunks loudly to the floor. He huffs and tries with the rest, getting the same results.
"Oh no, looks like you and your friend Ellis are tied for the worst in class, what a pity." I tsk at them and Taylor's face turns bright red.
"You set me up. You made it so these knives won't stick to the target. Nice try." He huffs at me.
"Pick up the knives, initiate." Eric finally speaks and Taylor immediately complies scrambling for the knives and taking them to Eric, "Give them to her, not me." He commands.
He brings me the knives and I dismiss him, "You may not be able to stick a knife to the board, but I guarantee I will. I also guarantee it'll hit dead center."
"Yeah right." Taylor scoffs.
"Step aside and find out." I counter.
The room is completely quiet, and I ready myself by practicing my throwing motion. The weight of the knife in my hand is like coming home, and when I release it I can almost hear the whoosh as it passes through the air.
Bullseye.
"Lucky." I hear Taylor say quietly from my left.
I throw the rest in rapid succession, calling them as I throw, and each one hitting the exact spot I called.
"Dude, I relent, you are the real deal." Taylor says with a true smile.
"You're amazing." Ellis echoes and the class breaks out in applause.
I blush from the attention, and when I look up Eric is clapping too. He, Uriah and I set the stations up, and we all walk through the initiates offering our tips and support.
"You did well," Eric murmurs as he sidles up to me, leaning against the wall as Uriah talks to the initiates, "You kept that professionalism even when they pushed your buttons, and you did a damn good job with your demo."
"Thanks. It was really fun. It brings back good memories." I reply and he smiles at me.
"Yeah, it does."
"You haven't changed a bit in here." I remark and he shakes his head.
"Coddling them will do them no good. I also don't take kindly to kids who were dependents just a few days ago mouthing off to me. I believe I told you several years ago that we train soldiers, not rebels here." He smirks at me.
"Can't we be a little of both?" I ask.
"You certainly made a name for yourself crossing that line repeatedly during training." He retorts.
"I remember you allowing me to cross the line." I challenge.
"I did always put up with much more from you than I would a typical initiate." He aquises.
"And why is that?" I ask.
His smirk gets bigger and his grey eyes sparkle, "Like that idiot Ellis said earlier, you're hot."
"I didn't think you noticed me back then." I scoff.
"You have always been noticed, Tris." He replies softly.
I feel the heat crawling up my neck and the blush staining my cheeks at his words and he smiles briefly at me again.
I'm surprised not only to see him smiling at me, but for him to actually be talking to me outside of anything to do with the kids is huge. Eric and I had our talk in the tattoo shop over two weeks ago, and as we had discussed we had been spending more time together as a family. However, once the kids were in bed, or at daycare, we continued to go our separate ways. Eric's request for a truce that day in the shop seemed to be forgotten, with him often making nasty comments about my almost sexual encounter with Dustin. At first, I'd tried to ignore him, letting him deal with the hurt I had caused however he needed to, but lately I've been distancing myself from him, especially after our last fight about it. He had called me a hypocrite because I told him that he couldn't blame our fight for why he hooked up with Esme, but he felt I was blaming my almost hook up with Dustin on him. I screamed back that at least Dustin's dick didn't end up in my mouth, effectively ending all communication between us. We're both wrong, and both too proud to admit it.
Tori remains frustrated at my stubbornness, but when I admitted to her out loud that my fear right now is that he doesn't, and will never love me and that my foolishness in chasing him could chase him right out of my children's lives she did her best to understand.
"I've missed this." I admit out loud and he looks out at the initiates.
"Training?" He asks.
"Us." I say quietly.
"Oh, there's an us Tris? It surely hasn't felt like it lately." He says with sarcasm as he turns to look at me.
"No, it hasn't, but maybe we could work on that. I feel like we only talk about the kids, and not really us." I glance over to check on Uriah and he's still going over the training manual with the initiates.
"Maybe there'd be an us if you'd stay away from the guy you tried to fuck," He bites back angrily.
"He's just my friend-"
"Ah, yes, the friend that means more to you than me." He whispers, but the venom in his voice is in deniable.
"You know that's not even remotely true, you mean more to me than almost everyone, outside of my kids Eric. You know this, and yet you continuously throw my friendship with him in my face. I'm the one who crossed lines with him, not the other way around, and he has been nothing but a complete gentleman."
"Why can't you just leave him alone?" He presses.
"Why can't you trust me to make my own decisions on who I allow in my life? Why can't you believe me when I tell you that I love you, Eric, not Dustin or anyone else? I've put my feelings on the table, I've told you that I'm in love with you and only you and yet you remain singly focused on something that never happened." I reply quietly.
"You tried to sleep with him, Tris." He argues.
"You did sleep with her, and when you went there to have a break up conversation when you allegedly hadn't had sex with her in over a year she felt comfortable enough with you to initiate yet another sexual encounter." I counter.
"Allegedly," He seethes, "That's the word you want to use? That's what you think? You know what, we won't be even until you finally fuck him, you should get right on that-"
"Stop that-"
"Tris," Uriah calls me and I turn my attention to him. Based on the way he and the initiates are looking at Eric and me, I realize our quiet argument wasn't as quiet as we'd hoped.
"Yeah Uriah?" I call back.
"Mind demonstrating the disassembly and reassembly of a gun?" He grins at and I steel myself, smiling briefly in return.
"Sure." I reply and I set off to start my demonstration, turning to look at Eric, but he's once again scowling at me.
The day flies by as we continue to teach the initiates the importance of weapon safety and use, and get them familiar with many of the choices of service weapons they could be issued after a successful passing of initiation. Before we dismiss for lunch, Eric is called away, and he leaves without a word. When Uriah dismisses the class for lunch I make my way down to the cafeteria and spot Dustin sitting by himself. I drop down in front of him, with a less than appetizing looking salad on my tray.
"How's training going?" He asks.
"How'd you even know about that?" I ask him and he smirks at me.
"Security knows everything, Tris." He replies, "So how are things going with Eric?"
I shrug my shoulders, "Holding steady at awkward as hell for over two weeks now."
"Sounds like Jess and me." He shakes his head.
"I didn't realize the two of you had started talking again, when did this happen?" I ask.
"A few days before you and Eric. We've been talking more openly about our feelings, trying to see what's still there, but it's just weird. I'm starting to think that maybe some things aren't meant to be."
I regard him across the table as I take another bite of my salad, "This isn't like you. I mean, you're the glass half full, optimistic guy. What happened?" I press.
"Like I said, forgetting is the hard part." He looks down at his burger, "Sorry for the melodramatic lunch."
"Hey, none of that, talk to me." I reply. "You really think it doesn't work? You and Jess I mean."
He shakes his head, "I don't think it does. I don't want to keep banging my head against a wall here, I feel like at some point I need to move on."
"I'm sorry Dustin." I reply sincerely and he takes a breath in.
"Yeah, me too. We had a good almost five year run, I'm thankful for that. Enough about me though, what are you going to do about Eric?"
"Just make sure he can be with the kids. He tries to see them as much as he can, but it's been hard with the hours he's keeping. He's working on initiation during the day, then gets caught up in leadership shit sometimes after that, so really it's just hit or miss." I reply.
"You're doing it again." He says and I stop eating and look at him with a furrowed brow, "I ask about something that is related to you, and you relate it to the kids. I always love hearing about them, but I want to know how you're handling things. If you don't want to talk about him, that's fine too. Open door, always."
"I know I can talk to you, and thank you for once again calling me on my deflections." I smile, "We did hash things out that day in the shop, but he's so angry at me for what happened with you and me, and he's basically told me repeatedly that I shouldn't be spending time with you since that happened between us. I can't make him understand that what happened between you and me was a result of me just feeling like I'm second best, or an extension of everything else in my life, I don't know…"
"Devils advocate here, would you be okay if he were friends with the nurse?" He asks.
"No, but that's someone he had a sexual relationship with, someone who thought it was something more, someone who came to me with every intention of hurting me. You've done nothing but talk me through my feelings for him."
"Okay, you obviously love him, and he's obviously got some strong feelings for you as well. It's why both of you are hurting. You've got to find a way to get out of this rut you're both in and move forward." He replies.
"I don't know that I can." I admit.
"Any ideas on what's holding you back?" He asks.
"Ruining what we've worked so hard to build. We have that air of mystery of what could be that still is there between us. We've done nothing to cross any lines, we've kept everything between us away from the kids, and things are have the potential of getting back towards the comfort we had built together before feelings were involved."
"But, feelings are involved, and out on the table from your last conversation, correct?" He asks and I nod.
"I'm in love with him, I mean I literally said that to him again during training today, and as usual the only emotion it seemed to evoke in him is anger." I sigh.
"Tris, forgive me for channeling a Candor here, but what the heck are you waiting for?" He asks.
"While he and I have had feelings for each other for over a year now, I seem to be stuck on counting our time together differently." I reply vaguely.
"Because of his incident with the nurse." Dustin states and I nod before stealing a fry off of his plate.
"Well yeah, and because of my boneheaded idea to seduce you…." I trail off and he chuckles.
"You're going to make me do it." He replies and I can feel my blush already forming, "Sex is fun. It can be casual. It can be a one night stand. It can be a long term relationship. It can be between friends, or between people who have absolutely nothing to do with each other except when it comes to banging. I'm going to go into greater detail if you don't look at me, Tris." I finally meet his eyes and find him staring intently into mine, "He got drunk, and put himself in a situation that he shouldn't have been in. Sober Eric hadn't hooked up with anyone in over a year, right?" He asks and I nod, "Which adds up to when he figured out he had something seriously brewing for you. Hurt you came to me for comfort, the normally even-keeled woman I know chastised me for kissing you months ago. Take those two incidents completely off the table, Tris, and tell me you're still hesitant with this man." He says and I shake my head, "You've been the one giving me the best advice when it comes to Jess and I being back together, so why can't you follow your own advice when it comes to Eric? You love him and it's obvious he loves you. He made a mistake that had nothing to do with the love he has for you or his kids-"
"I never expected you to be the one defending me," Eric says and I jerk my head up from where I was just staring at the rest of my salad and see him standing behind Dustin.
"Shit, sorry man, obviously didn't realize you were standing right there." Dustin says as he turns to look up at Eric.
It's an intimidating sight.
"Eric…" I trail off, and he trains his grey eyes at me briefly before looking down at Dustin.
"I feel like you and I have spent a lot of time talking about each other, but not to each other." Eric says as he regards the other man.
"I mean no disrespect to what you two have, Eric." Dustin begins but his official work communication device goes off and I can see concern etched on his face, "I should go." He stands to leave, and Eric drops down on the bench across from me while I continue staring down at my salad, pushing it around on my plate.
"He's right, you know?" Eric says, breaking the silence between us.
"Care to elaborate?" I counter.
"If you and I could take those two incidents off of the table, we could move forward."
"Really?" I ask and he nods his head, "What kept us from moving forward for over a year before all of that then, Eric?"
"I kept telling myself the timing was wrong, and when I finally convinced myself otherwise I was afraid of something going wrong between us and me losing the kids." He replies.
"You honestly think I would keep them from you?" I ask incredulously.
"Legally, I have no right to them, who's to say you wouldn't?"
"I'm to say, Eric!" I hiss, "Their father walked out on them, completely turned his back, told me he didn't love me and he didn't want kids, and never even met his daughter. The day he called me, fucking two months after she was born, I made immediate arrangements for him to see them. After you and I had that huge blowup about Esme, we immediately made arrangements for you to spend time with the kids. Tell me, in the over three fucking years that you and I have been more than just passing acquaintances, when I have ever made you believe I would use my children as a pawn in an adult war?" I seethe.
"Those confidence lessons from Dustin are really working, huh Tris?" He barbs back angrily.
"Fuck you." I spit.
"Not me, him, remember? In the three fucking years that you and I have been more than just passing acquaintances as you call it, you tried to fuck him, not me-"
"You did fuck Esme, and then just let her give you head-"
"I didn't just let her do anything!" He roars and people start turning to stare at us.
We both take time to calm ourselves and Eric sneers at the gawking people until they return to their meals and conversations.
"I don't expect you to be okay with what happened between Dustin and me, just like you can't expect me to be okay with what happened between you and her. I wanted you to stop, Eric, that's it. I wanted to know that your feelings for me would keep you from hurting me by having any type of sexual contact with her-"
"I did stop, Tris, how many times do I have to tell you that?"
"Enough until the stupid little sheltered Stiff can understand it." I reply angrily, "I made a mistake with Dustin, but I just wanted to feel like something. Like someone other than a mother, or Tobias Fucking Eaton's sloppy seconds, or more than the girl they all talk about in this faction," I make a sweeping gesture with my hands towards the crowd in the cafeteria, "I wanted to feel wanted, and desired, and more than just someone who keeps her head down and lives her life for everyone else. I wanted to feel brave, and Dauntless, and I wanted to be able to just have casual sex without any feelings because you could, okay? I wanted to see how it could be so easy for you to just go fuck someone else to distract you from whatever you were feeling. But I couldn't, because I actually do love you, and I realized you could, and it fucking hurts."
"Do you actually think that I could just go and fuck someone else when I feel the way I do about you? Because I will tell you right now that the second I realized I felt something for you I never went to her again. Do you think that I don't think about you every fucking second of every fucking day, and have since well before you were ever in a position to be able to hear that? Do you actually think I look at you and see anything other than a strong fucking Dauntless woman that I want to spend the rest of my fucking life with? Do you think just because I haven't said the words that I don't love you, or that my love for you and my kids isn't what motivates me to be a better man every fucking day, Tris?"
"I... Eric-"
"I'm sorry sir, Max sent me down to find you when you weren't answering your phone." A sheepish older woman says as she approaches our table.
"What, Grace?" He barks and the woman visibly flinches.
"You are needed upstairs for a meeting, I'm sorry for interrupting." She replies and he stands up, stalking away from the table without a second glance at me, "I'm sorry, miss."
"He's upset with me, not you." I reply and she nods her head once before heading out of the cafeteria.
I feel arms wrap around my shoulder, and the familiar thin multi-colored dreadlocks spilling over and I wrap my arms around Tori, allowing a few tears to slip out.