AN: I hope this chapter makes up for the angst. See you all next week.
He's been gone for almost a month now.
After the quite embarrassing fight we had in the cafeteria, he was sent out of the faction for a mission he can't talk about, and his sporadic phone calls are usually passed immediately off to Declan and Rowan, who have both been beside themselves with worry since Eric has been out of the faction. Especially Declan, who has vivid memories of Tobias being out of the faction and never coming back.
I've been operating on an almost auto-pilot of work, kids, and sleep, with sleep being optional. Like most nights, I am wide awake and staring at my phone, hoping for even a short message from Eric saying he's okay. We've been able to text sporadically, mostly exchanging messages about the kids, and once in a while an admission from him that he missed me. Eric is one of the toughest people I know, but even through text there are times I can tell he's worried about whatever mission they're working on.
I'm worried too.
E: Are you awake?
The vibration of the phone in my hand startles me, but when I read the text I immediately answer.
T: Yes
His number comes up on my screen and I answer the phone call immediately.
"Why are you awake?" He says quietly in the form of a greeting.
"Sleep has been elusive. Are you okay?" I ask.
"I'm okay. I can't sleep either." He sighs, "I can't stop thinking about you," He pauses and I can hear him taking a deep breath, "I can't stop thinking about how we left things. I miss you, Tris, a lot."
"I miss you too Eric." I admit.
He says nothing for a few seconds, and I can tell he's outside, and possibly in a wooded area. I hear the wind blowing through trees, the crack of the occasional stick when he walks.
"You're in the woods." I state.
"You're observant." He replies. I can almost hear the smile in his voice, "People are sleeping, and I didn't want to have this conversation within ear range."
"Is something wrong, Eric?" I ask and I hear him take another deep breath in.
"I wanted to have this conversation in person, but shit happens, right? It seems timing is always an issue for me, and things leading up to where I physically am right now were happening for months when I was still in the faction. I'm sorry for the way I let my work impact the way I treated you. I'm sorry for the way I've handled things with us. You and the kids are the most important people in my life, what we have is important to me and I've let my petty jealousy almost ruin it. I'm sorry Tris."
"I'm sorry too." I reply nervously. "I've been immature about a lot of things, allowing my insecurities about myself as a woman and how I view relationships to creep in."
"We just need to be able to communicate with each other. What we have built between us means too much to me to just throw it away. You're so Dauntless that I sometimes forget you came from Abnegation, and I also forget that the only relationship you ever had resulted in marriage." He sighs heavily, "I've been unfair to you. I realize that you didn't seek Dustin out in an effort to hurt me, and I've been angry at you for something I did myself. I wasn't in love with you when I was seeing Esme, but as time went on I was definitely using her to try and distract myself from you."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Esme was initially a distraction from my relationship failure with Sammi, and other shit that I had going on at the time with work. It was nothing more than a release. I began distancing myself from her when you and I became closer. I found that the more time I spent with you and the kids, the happier I was, and the friendship we were building brought me peace. Then, I started having feelings for you, and it was the worst possible timing. You were pregnant, going through one hell of a nasty divorce, and you didn't need me having some declarations of, well I don't know, I guess back then it would have been so juvenile. Basically hey there, I know you're pregnant with someone else's kid and going through a fucking hellish divorce, but I like you…" He trails off and I actually laugh, and after a beat he joins me.
"I think I understand, the timing wasn't right for either of us to admit we may have had, at minimum, a crush on each other." I reply.
"Yeah, that's a good way of putting it." He agrees, "I really miss you and the kids."
"I miss you too, so much. Are you really okay Eric? None of the shit you tell me so I won't worry, because even with your best efforts at that I've still been worried." I reply.
"I'm sure you know it's dangerous out here, but I'm okay. I'm working with some of the best, and we have each other's backs. How are my boys?" He replies.
"Missing you. Declan has been especially worried." I remark.
"I figured as much, he remembers losing Four." He sighs. "I wish there was some way to make them understand that what I'm doing out here is going to protect them in the long run."
"You've found her, haven't you?" I ask suddenly and the sharp intake of breath I hear from Eric is enough, "Eric, I'm scared. She had her own son killed-"
"Tris, I will come home to you, and to my children. That's a promise, okay?"
"Okay." I breathe out, "How much longer?"
"Soon. That's all I can say, I'm sorry."
"Don't be, I know you can't tell me what you're working on, but I trust you." I reply.
There's a few beats of silence before Eric breaks it, "What are you wearing?" He asks and I laugh at him.
"One of your t-shirts you left here and my undies, you pervert." I reply and he laughs with me.
"How am I a pervert for wanting to know what my girlfriend is wearing?" He asks and I can almost hear his smirk through the phone.
"Your girlfriend? I'll have to track her down if that's who you're looking for." I reply with a laugh.
"I'd like it to be you, if you're willing." He replies quietly, "I'm done with the past shit, I'm making a promise to you right now that the past will remain in the past. No more me throwing Dustin in your face, I never should have done that to you and it was completely fucked up that I did. I'm sorry for it, Tris. I feel like we've wasted so much time trying to just be on even ground, when all I want to do is be with you and my kids. I've been in love with you for so long and too fucking stubborn to just come out and say it because I'm always afraid of ruining something."
"Eric I will never keep our children from you. Yes, they are our children, because even though someone else may have helped me make them you are the person who has been here raising them as your own. They adore you, and your place will always be with them."
"I've been afraid of not being enough, of my past, of who I am as a person. I've made mistakes, Tris, I've not always done the right thing and it fucks with my head sometime." He sighs.
"I wish I was there with you. I wish you could see me when I tell you just how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. What we have, Eric I never expected it. At one point in my life, I almost hated you, because when I went through my initiation you were just such a fucking asshole. You still are sometimes, but I've learned to understand that side of you. I thought you were cruel, and there are times when I can imagine there are another set of young initiate eyes that view you that way as well, but your methods worked. I shouldn't have made it here, and if Tobias was the only one instructing me I may not have because he did coddle me. You made me strong. You made me Dauntless."
"I love you so much Tris." He says it so quietly I almost miss it.
"I love you too."
"It's so nice to hear those words when we're not fighting." He sighs.
"Eric, I want to be with you. I don't want to fight anymore, and I don't want to let stupid shit like jealousy and insecurities ruin us. I do have a hard time when it comes to how relationships and sex are approached in Dauntless, and I am just asking that you're patient with me. I was raised to believe that sex was for procreation, love equaled marriage, and there weren't any clouding those lines." I explain.
"I do want this to lead to marriage, you do understand that, right?" He asks and for a moment I am too shocked to speak, "Tris?"
"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" I reply shakily.
"I've said it before, but unfortunately it lost its meaning because we were fighting. I want to spend my life with you. I'm a possessive guy, I will be the first to admit that, and I'm sure that came out with how I reacted when I heard about Dustin. I've been trying to find the best way to show you that my intentions are pure when it comes to you. I want a life with you and our children, and I want them to legally be mine if that's something you would allow. I want us to be married one day, not because I want to stake a claim, but because we love each other. I'm rambling again." He chuckles.
"We're going to be okay, Eric." I breathe out, "You come home to me and we will figure everything else out."
"I might want my t-shirt back when I get home." He growls.
His voice goes straight to my core, and I rub my thighs together for friction.
"Eric…" I trail off.
"Leader Coulter, we have to go-" The voices become muffled, and I can hear rustling noises, a muffled conversation and then Eric breathing into the phone.
"Baby, I have to go. I love you."
"I love you Eric."
The call is disconnected, and I stare at the phone.
He's not able to call again, and the sporadic texts I receive in the days following our conversation are just affirmations that he remains okay and that he loves us. I tell my boys every time he reaches out, but soon Declan's anxiety starts to rub off on Rowan, and both boys begin to act out. By the sixth day of not hearing from Eric at all, both boys have had enough and my excuses aren't working anymore. I hold them both as they cry it out, and I promise them repeatedly that their daddy will come home to them. Will and Christina take them overnight for a much needed sleepover with Tanner, promising they would call me if anything goes wrong, and when I finally get my teething daughter settled down and asleep I succumb to my own exhaustion.
I can feel the bed move and I sit up with a start. In the dim light that feeds in from the nightlight in my connected bathroom, I can see Eric.
"You're here," I cry out and pull him to me.
"I'm here. Baby, it's late, go back to sleep." He whispers, "I only saw Jewel, where are the boys?"
"Chris and Will's." I whisper.
His skin is damp and I can tell he must have showered, how he managed to do that and not wake me remains a mystery, but I cuddle closer to him and he wraps his arms around me.
"I missed you," I reply and he presses his lips to my forehead.
"I missed you too," He says and I scoot up so I can press my lips to his.
The kiss is slow at first, but when I part my lips he slips his tongue to mine and we tangle them together. I run my short nails up and down his side and he finally moves so he's hovering over me, pressing wet kisses down the column of my neck.
"You always smell so good," He whispers with his lips against me.
I run my fingers through his damp curls, longer and more unruly since he's not had the time to get a proper haircut and I can feel him smile against me.
"I love these curls, they're just like Rowan's" I say softly.
"Like father, like son." He nuzzles his nose against my neck and I giggle.
I lightly scratch my nails up and down his back, and the way his breathing evens out I'm sure he's asleep, but he surprises me when he moves again and begins trailing his hand across my breasts.
"Is this okay?" He asks softly.
"Yes."
The old t-shirt of his I'm wearing leaves little to the imagination, and I know he can easily feel my hard nipples through the barely there fabric. When he moves slightly, I catch him off guard by lifting the shirt over my head and dropping it beside the bed.
"I've fantasized about this, getting you out of my shirt," He whispers. He's back on me quickly, dragging his tongue across my chest, pausing to take each nipple into his mouth and sucking and nibbling.
"I love how your body reacts to me," He whispers before kissing me again. I run my nails down his back, and when my hands reach the band of his boxers I begin pushing them down.
He says nothing as he helps me to move them completely off of him, and when he does I push him onto his back, finally getting a look at him in the soft light of the nightlight.
His pale skin almost glows in the soft light, and I can see his skin, my own personal canvas with so much of my artwork adorning his flawless body. I've seen him without a shirt so many times, but there's something completely intoxicating seeing him completely naked in the bed we are sharing, with his skin flushed from our contact.
His flat stomach is fine-tuned from the time he puts in at the gym, his waist narrowing to strongly defined hips and his thick erection pointing up to his perfectly formed abs.
He's beautiful and he's mine.
I look so plain compared to him. While I do rival him with tattoos peppering my body, my formerly tight frame has been forever changed as my body shifted to accommodate my beautiful babies. My one narrow hips are now wider, my stomach shows stretch marks and my skin isn't as tight even though I still spend as much time in the gym as my schedule allows. My breasts are full and round, one positive I retained from my multiple pregnancies, but the rest of my body can't possibly look like the women he's been with before.
I sit back on my knees and cover myself with my arms.
"Tris…" He whispers when I make no effort to move towards him. He sits up and pulls me close to him, "Hey, what's wrong?"
"You just look so perfect. My stomach, it isn't pretty because of the stretch marks-"
"You are beautiful. You've carried children inside of you, my children, and I love everything about your body, I love everything about you," He says softly before pulling me down for a kiss.
I trail kisses down his muscular chest, the light hair he has tickling my cheeks as I make my way down his body. When I get to his pulsing erection, I wrap my hand around it, eliciting a moan from him.
For a brief second, I think of her, and how she saw him like this the last time they were together. I quickly push it from my mind, telling myself that no matter who has seen him like this before, no one ever will again.
I pull him into my mouth and the slow exhale of breath from him tells me I'm doing something right. I swirl my tongue around him, quickly realizing he's more sensitive in a spot close to the head, and when I repeatedly hit that spot with my tongue he practically pulls me off of him and pushes me back to the bed.
"Tris baby I can't let you finish that, you're too good at it and I want so badly to be inside of you when I cum," He growls and I can feel a flush of heat travel over my body.
I can feel him moving my sleep shorts down and I help him to push them and my panties off, leaving me lying bare before him.
"You are so fucking beautiful," He says as he feather kisses down my stomach, pausing when he reaches the trimmed hair down below.
He leans back on his knees and gently moves my thighs apart, then settles down between them. He presses a kiss to the inside of each thigh before he centers his mouth over my lower lips.
"Eric, what are you… I've never… "
"Tris, I want to taste you." He says, "Can I be the first to do so?"
One nod from me is all he needs before he swipes his tongue down my slit. I let out a light moan at the sensation, and he continues his ministrations, spreading me apart so he can enter a finger inside of me as his lips wrap around my sensitive bud. When he enters a second finger, I buck my hips against him, and I start to feel a warming sensation travelling down my body.
"Eric… I'm… oh God…"
He curls his fingers and sucks harder, and I can feel myself falling apart. I bite down on my arm to keep myself quiet as I pulse around him, squeezing my thighs around his head as he lets me ride out my bliss.
"That was… wow…"
He moves towards me and kisses me, and I taste what I assume is my own excitement on him, "Is that me?" I ask naively when we break apart.
"That's you baby, you taste so good that I needed to share," He replies before I pull him down to my lips again.
I can feel his erection pressing against my leg and when he pulls back from me he's breathless, "Protection? I'm clean, tested last month…"
"Clean too, and on prevention serum."
"Do want me to use a condom?" He breathes out.
"No, I want you-" I begin but his lips are on mine and he shifts his body and presses into me, "Oh my…"
I catch the way his eyes close as he savors the movement of us joining together before he drops his elbows to either side of my head and kisses me again. I wrap my legs around him and buck my hips to him, letting him know he can move.
"I just want to feel this as long as I can, you feel so fucking good Tris," He kisses me again and finally starts moving slowly in and out of me.
We're meeting each other, quickly finding a rhythm we like and when he slows down a whine escapes my lips.
"I've waited a long time for this, I don't want it to end," He says before leaning down to kiss me.
We stay like that for several seconds, kissing each other deeply while so intimately connected.
"I love you so much Eric," I breathe out as he starts to move again.
"I love you too, baby I am so close, it's been a long time," He pants and I move my hand in between us, surprising him when I begin rubbing myself, "Oh God, you are so fucking sexy," He says as he begins pounding against me.
"Eric… Eric… yes…" I whisper as I feel my approaching release and when I begin pulsing around him his movements get erratic as he calls out my name.
"Fuck, Tris…" He says as he spills inside of me.
He drops back down on top of me and I run my hands up and down his sweaty back as we struggle to catch our breath. He moves off of me and pulls me to his side and I listen to the rhythm of his heart.
"I didn't come here for that, I just wanted to get home to you…"
"I'm so glad that you're here."
There's so much I want to ask him, so many things that have been buzzing in my mind, but before I can form a thought he's softly snoring. I look up at him and see his mouth slightly open, eyes closed, and all signs of stress and worry have evaporated.
He's finally at peace.
I lay my head on his chest and let his heartbeat soothe me to sleep.