A/N: I really didn't intend to put so much Remus/Sirius in this fic, but then the hot mess of unresolved romantic tension that is this chapter happened, and I guess we're going to have stronger R/S undertones than I had anticipated haha. Anyway, this will be the last chapter that takes place in first year-after this, there will be a time skip of about 7-8 months. Not sure if I'm going to manage to keep writing a new chapter every day, but we'll see!

Chapter Eight: Going Wrong from the Start

When they come back from break, all the girls are treating him differently—it's not like Sirius doesn't notice that all the girls are treating him differently—but he doesn't actually put two and two together until their first Potions lesson of the trimester. After class has let out, and they're all in the corridor out of eyeshot of Slughorn, he and James aim a well-placed Insect Hex at Snivellus that causes him to crawl about the floor with antennae sticking out of his head, wordlessly, so that he can't hex them back—and Evans, of course, loses her shit. "You sicken me!" she shouts over the roar of laughter from the other Gryffindors, her hand flying to her wand as she stops walking. "Don't you ever get tired of being giant, bullying toerags?"

"Lighten up, Evans," Sirius chuckles. "It'll wear off in about ten minutes, and maybe then he'll—"

"I can't believe you," Evans spits. "Potter I can believe, but you? You, of all people, should know better."

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

Evans is already storming off in a huff, but Sirius tears after her, jogging to keep up until they're a few good paces ahead of the rest of the class. "Hey! I'm talking to you! I said, what is that supposed to mean?"

She glares at him again, but it's weaker this time, muddied by something like—but what does Evans have to feel guilty for? "I'm not having this conversation with you," she says, but her voice is wavering.

And then it clicks, and a cold sweat breaks out on Sirius's forehead. He suddenly feels like his body is about three times too small. There's an open door to an empty classroom on their left, and he drags her into it and slams the door shut. "What the hell exactly did you hear James saying?"

"Potter? Potter didn't say anything to—"

"Don't lie to me!"

They stare blankly at each other for a second, and the injustice of it wells up in him all of a sudden—that stupid James had to open his stupid, fat mouth and tell Evans, of all people, about what happened with Mum every damn day for the two weeks they were on break; the very fact that Mum did what she did at all—that Mum is who she is—that Sirius was born into the family he was. That Sirius is here. That Regulus is still back there. That any of it is real.

"Listen, it was…" Some of the rage melts off of Evans's face. "It was Alice, okay? I guess Potter wrote to her, and she told the other girls. They thought I was asleep, but I wasn't."

"Why did they think you were asleep if you were—?"

She actually looks a little embarrassed at this. "It was pretty late, and I had the hangings on my bed shut. They all think I just go to bed early—earlier than Marlene, even—but I usually just don't want to talk to them. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, I swear."

"Whatever," mutters Sirius, his heart racing, as if he didn't get enough of that over the break. He—has to get out of here. He can't do this. "Excuse me," he says dully, and he makes for the door.

"Black—"

"What?"

Evans looks torn up about something. "I'm sorry about—everything. I am. You shouldn't have to—"

"I don't need your pity," Sirius barks at her.

She blinks. "Good, because I don't pity you. If you know what it's like to be bullied, to be afraid to walk around your own home for fear of getting tormented, and you still turn around and do the exact same thing to another innocent—"

"Snape isn't innocent, Evans. The curses he uses on James and me every time—"

"—To another innocent person," Evans pushes on as if she hasn't heard him, "then you don't deserve pity."

"My mum and I have nothing in common," he snaps. "Nothing. Don't you ever compare me to her, because—"

"You know what? Whatever. I don't need to be here for this, and frankly, you don't need to, either."

She storms out of there, slamming the door shut behind her. Sirius curses loudly before following her out, only to find Moony, Peter, and James hovering outside the doorway and staring at him.

He grabs James by the chest of his robes, drags him into the classroom, and slams the door shut again. "You told Abbott?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I thought—"

"What the hell did you tell Abbott for? I thought I could trust you, and now, half the school probably knows that my family—"

"Sirius, I'm sorry, honestly. Hand to god. I guess she wrote to you, got worried when she didn't hear back, and then asked me if I knew what was going on with you? She seemed to already be worried about how your mum was treating you over there, and—after the way you two were acting on the train, I thought you'd already told her. I swear, I had no idea that she didn't already know—or that she was going to talk to anyone about you."

"Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to have Evans throw my relationship with my mum back in my face? Evans?"

"I'll talk to Abbott. I'll even talk to Evans, if you want me to."

Breathing heavily, Sirius releases him. "Do Peter and Moony know?"

Dumbly, James shakes his head. "No—not from me, anyway. I didn't know if they already knew, and I didn't want to violate your trust like that—" Sirius scoffs "—but seriously, mate, you should talk to them about it. Brothers, remember?"

"Brothers," Sirius repeats in a monotone. "I'm not going to explain it to them, but you can fill them in, if you think it's so important. I just—I don't like talking about the details, and we're never going to have a big heart-to-heart about it, and I don't want anybody treating me funny for it. All right?"

"All right," James accepts, "but Sirius—"

"No. No, James."

They've got Transfiguration after this, where he usually works with Emmeline. She was acting funny around him all morning in Charms, and now that he knows why, he sort of wants to abandon her altogether and beg Moony to partner him instead—but it's not like he can dodge her forever, and things are just going to get more and more strained the longer her tries. So he takes his seat reluctantly next to her, and when McGonagall sets them to today's spell—pillows into mice—he turns to her and says, "So I heard you heard some things from Abbott about me. Is that why you haven't looked me in the eye all day?"

Em still isn't looking at him, but Sirius stares at her until she finally, finally looks up at him. Her eyes are wide. "I'm sorry. I'm sure that's—not how you would have wanted me to find out about your mum, if you'd wanted me to find out at all."

"It's not that I don't want anybody to know," he mumbles. "Well, I could do without Evans knowing—you all really should be more careful swapping secrets when she's in the dormitory with you—but it's not that I mind you knowing. I just don't like talking about it, and I don't want you or anybody else treating me like I'm some kind of… of… victim."

"Sirius, I… don't think it makes you weak. If anything, I think it makes you strong for withstanding—being treated like that for so many years." She pauses. "Lily knows?"

"She wasn't as asleep as you all thought she was," says Sirius gruffly.

"Crap. I'm sorry. I'll talk to Alice."

"It's okay. You don't have to—James said he would talk to her."

"Okay. I know you said you don't want to talk about your mum, and we never have to talk about her again, if that's what you want, but Sirius…"

He catches the throw pillow that's grown mouse feet and is trying to scamper off the desk, then looks up at her. "What?"

"I just… I'm here for you, okay? Seriously, if you want me to come over every week this summer and act as a buffer, I'll do it."

Sirius smiles. "I would never ask you to do that, Em."

"Yeah, but you're not asking: I'm offering."

He insists that he can't accept the offer, but he keeps thinking about it for hours, days, weeks afterward. He's thinking about staying at Hogwarts over Easter break—whatever Andy says, he's starting to think that him going home and taking the heat off Regulus won't actually be helpful if Regulus is just going to be traumatized watching Mum go at Sirius instead. But if Andy won't take him and Regulus in when she graduates, he's going to have to go back home for the summer, and the thought of having another person around some of the time to help keep Mum in check feels too appealing to resist.

Life at Hogwarts goes back to normal, sort of. The girls stop staring at him all the time, anyway, and if James tells Peter and Moony what's up, neither of them mentions it to Sirius after. He has a very awkward conversation with Alice, who takes him aside in the common room to apologize and promise to make sure none of the girls spread his personal business around the castle (the way she did, he thinks irately), and Sirius thinks that's going to be the end of it—until finally, a month later, Moony brings it back up.

They've learned to go out in pairs under the Invisibility Cloak when they want to continue canvassing the castle, so James and Peter have stayed behind in the dormitory while Sirius and Moony are mapping out the last of the sixth floor, a sheaf of parchment and a quill in Moony's hands. They've just stumbled on a passage behind a statue of Gregory the Smarmy when Sirius says, "Jackpot. Jot down its location on the map, and then we'll follow it and see where it goes. You reckon it just leads somewhere else in the castle, or will it take us all the way to Hogsmeade?"

"Sirius, wait."

"Why? What is it?"

Chewing on his lip, Moony shifts his weight from foot to foot and stares up at Sirius with wide eyes until Sirius repeats, exasperated, "What?"

It occurs to him that Moony is awfully close to Sirius within the confines of James's Cloak. It's always pretty stuffy to try and breathe under this thing—more so the longer you're under it—and with the fabric pressing down on all sides, he suddenly is acutely aware that he can feel Moony's stale breath on his face within what little space the Cloak affords them. But then Moony says, "About your mum—" and all thought of Sirius's proximity to him flies out of his head.

"I already told James and Abbott that I don't want to talk about her," he snaps.

"I know, and we don't have to—"

"Then why are you bringing it up?"

"Because we haven't talked about it since James told me, and I need you to know that I—"

"Yeah, but it's not about you and your feelings, is it?" Moony looks stung by this, and Sirius immediately regrets saying it. "I… didn't mean that. I—"

"You did mean it," says Moony quietly, "but it's okay. You're right."

"No, I'm not. I'm an idiot. Come on, what were you going to say?"

"I… just… I wanted you to know that, if you ever change your mind and do want to talk about it, you can talk to me. I know I'm not your best mate, but—"

"What?" says Sirius, nonplussed. "Yeah, you are."

"No, James is, but it's okay. Peter and I don't expect—"

Maybe it's true that he's felt closer to James than he has to Moony or Peter lately. It's been hard not to, after spending half of winter break holed up at James's manor—after letting James see the side of Sirius that gets shaky and vulnerable wherever his mum is concerned. But he hadn't realized that Moony or Peter had picked up on it—that he'd been shafting either one of them by comparison. He hadn't been planning on ever talking about his feelings about Mum with Moony, either, but he suddenly feels overheated for reasons that have nothing to do with being under the Cloak, so he quickly cuts Moony off to say, "I just don't know what to say about her."

"I know, and I—"

"God damn it, will you just listen to me for a second?" Moony goes silent, and Sirius immediately feels guilty. This whole conversation has been going wrong from the start, but he's got Moony's attention now, at least, and—"I don't know what to say about her. I can't describe her. When she gets angry, things get bad really fast, and she's angry all the time, and—"

"Shut up," Moony mutters. Taken aback, Sirius starts to protest, but Moony puts a finger (hot and damp with sweat) to Sirius's lips, drags him into the passageway, and pulls the statue back into place from behind. In the quiet of the passageway, Sirius hears footsteps approaching from their left and immediately feels guilty for—everything he's said in the last five minutes, really, but especially for not recognizing Moony's intentions.

They stay huddled together until the footsteps fade away, and it's not until then that Sirius realizes there's no need for them to stay hidden under the Cloak back here. He pulls it off of them, shoving it in his schoolbag, and Moony backs up so they can get a little breathing room from each other. The place where Moony touched Sirius's lips tastes salty.

Moony doesn't seem to know what on earth to say, so Sirius forges ahead with his inane rambling as if they'd never been interrupted. "She's angry all the time," he says, "and she always has been—for as long as I can remember. I just take it for granted, you know? It is what it is, and there's nothing to overthink or to say because it's always been like this—I've just never… been happy at home. It's fine. It's just something I deal with."

"Sirius—"

"And then," he presses, "bloody James had to go and tell bloody Abbott, and now all the first year Gryffindors know, and I don't want to talk about it because there's nothing to say, but I know it's all anybody is thinking when they look at me. I know it is, Moony, and I can't stand it. I feel like my normal, everyday life is on display for everybody to ogle at, because to everybody else, it's not just normal, everyday life—to everybody else, it's a spectacle. I'm a spectacle. And the worst part is…"

Sirius pauses, breathing hard, leaning back against the wall of the passageway. It's so dark in here that he can't make out more than Moony's silhouette. "The worst part is, I used to know how to deal with it, but then I came here, and I forgot, Moony. I got too comfortable living with you and Peter and James and feeling like—feeling like I had a home where I'm actually happy, and when I had to go back there over Christmas, I couldn't deal with it anymore. Every time she touched me or shouted at me or got in my face, I tried to do all the stuff I used to do—pretend I was somewhere else, I was here—and I couldn't block her out. Everybody's treating me like some kind of leper, and the worst part is that I never used to feel like one, but now I do, because I got too comfortable, and I got weak."

Moony seems like he doesn't want to say anything until he's sure Sirius is done talking, but after they've stood there in silence for about fifteen seconds, he finally says, "You're not weak, and you deserve to live somewhere that you don't have to be on your guard all the time."

"Yeah, but I have to keep going back there for the next six summers. How am I supposed to stand it now? How am I supposed to do that when I know what it's like to live here at Hogwarts with James and Peter and—and you?"

"I don't know," Moony whispers. "I don't know, Sirius. I'm sorry I asked. I…"

"Because I just want to stay here with you," Sirius whispers back. "I just kept trying to imagine being up in the dormitory with the boys—being in that cot in the Hospital Wing with you—and I couldn't make it feel real. It felt so far away, Moony, and I wanted it back so badly, and I…"

Biting his lip, Moony steps forward again so that he's crushing Sirius in a hug, hurtling his arms around Sirius's neck. He rubs Sirius's shoulder blades with his little, sweaty hands, and words fail him.

"James is my best mate," says Sirius earnestly, "but so are you, and so is Pete. So is Emmeline, probably. I know you weren't the person who helped me with my mum over the break, but that doesn't mean… you and I…"

"I wanted to fix it. When James told us, I wanted to be the one to fix it, but—I don't know how. I just—love you, and I'm sorry I'm not—"

It's not that Sirius didn't already realize it, but it's the first time Moony's told Sirius he loves him—the first time anybody at Hogwarts has ever told Sirius they love him. "Just—stop apologizing. I love you, too," Sirius mutters. "Brothers, okay? Like James always says."

Moony doesn't answer.

xx

END OF PART ONE