Chapter Fifteen: What You Two Were Getting So Cozy About
It's totally unfair how good Em is at Divination. Her diary is full of intricately recounted dreams and predictions about everything from tomorrow's weather (cold but sunny) to who's going to win this year's Quidditch league (the Tutshill Tornados) to her emotional growth over the next two years (she'll find love briefly, but retreat into herself after a tragedy). Sirius, on the other hand, is still trying to decipher whatever the hell it meant when he dreamt last night that all the Gryffindors had waffles for heads and Regulus killed James by taking a giant bite out of him.
Emmeline takes Divination seriously, but even she can't keep a straight face as she says, "Sirius, it's really not that bad. You just need to decide who the subject is so you can add up the letters in it—would that be Regulus or James? Whose perspective did your dream follow?"
"Well, for the first part of it, I was myself, and I was mostly with James and Pete and Remus, but then about halfway in I morphed into Regulus, and—"
A loud giggle escapes her, and even though she claps her hand over her mouth, Sirius can tell that she's grinning. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's not funny. It's just—"
"It's okay—it is funny." It's funny now that it's over, anyway: the end part of the dream was actually really sad, to the point that he'd been crying a little when he woke up this morning, but he's not going to tell Em that.
"Let's just—what about the rest of your diary? Have you had any more dreams that are more…"
"Normal? I mean, most of my dreams are weird as hell. Like, the one I had on…" He flips back a few pages. "Two weeks ago? I dreamed I was living in a murder mystery, and we were trying to figure out which one of my cousins was killing everybody, and when it was down to just me and Evans—we were on the Hogwarts Express, hiding in the luggage rack up top in a compartment in the very back, and she thought it was Bellatrix, but I thought it was Andromeda, and it turned out to actually be Narcissa. She shows up in the compartment, Transfigures me into a pot pie—at this point, the point of view shifted, so I was Evans now—and then she made me eat—myself, technically."
"Should I be concerned? That's two dreams in a week about people turning into food and getting eaten by other people."
Sirius admits, "Honestly, I dream about food a lot. Not necessarily people turning into food, but I had another one about Evans on Tuesday where she—"
"Two dreams about Lily in two weeks? I didn't realize you two were even friends," Em snickers.
"We're not, really. She's just been on my mind a lot, I guess, ever since we talked about…"
"Yeah, what was that about? Mary asked her about what you two were getting so cozy about that day in Transfiguration, but Lily wouldn't say a word about it."
He flashes back to James asking him the same thing afterward—what little he told James and how guilty he felt for divulging even that much. "It was nothing, really. She just wanted to talk to me a little about my brother."
"That's kind of personal for somebody you're not friends with, isn't it?"
"I dunno. I guess. We were just…"
Raising her eyebrows, Em asks, "I'm not going to wake up tomorrow to find that the two of you are dating or something, am I?"
"What? Are you kidding me? No way. Not ever."
His reaction is such an immediate and visceral no that it's a second before his brain actually catches up and considers the possibility. Sure, Evans is objectively pretty—she's got a nice nose, and her hair is kind of interesting; she's the only redhead Sirius knows besides the Prewett twins in fourth year, and both of them are blokes. But he's not really into freckles, and she's got a weak chin, and most importantly, it's just never occurred to Sirius to look at her in that light before. Anyway, most of the conversations he's ever had with her involved Evans yelling at him for something, and he can't ever picture himself chasing after somebody who so clearly—
—Even if Evans has said before that she doesn't strictly hate him, it's not like she likes him, either, and he doesn't really like her, not even after their weird bonding moment over the Slytherins that they can't let go of. She's okay—he might even be willing to admit that she's a good person underneath the snottiness—but that doesn't make her his friend, and it certainly doesn't make her the object of any affections.
That night, he tells the Marauders about his exchange with Em, thinking they'll get a laugh out of it—so it totally shocks him when James follow it up by saying, "Really? You don't think Evans is hot?"
"You do?"
"Dude, do you have eyes? She's the hottest girl in our year."
Still sort of thrown, Sirius furrows his eyebrows even while he's laughing. "You're kidding, right? She has small boobs—"
"She's thirteen!" James argues, looking offended for reasons Sirius can't fathom at all.
"—And her eyes are too far apart, and she's got a weak chin."
"You've got a weak chin," James mutters, his arms folded.
Moony and Peter are laughing—in fact, Peter's laughing so hard that he's hiccoughing. "So, what, you're into Evans now?" Sirius accuses. "After all the crap you've given me the last three weeks about having one conversation with her?"
"It's not like I have a crush on her or anything! Am I not allowed to think she's hot—which she is, by the way; I don't know why I'm the one in glasses when there's clearly something wrong with your eyesight—without fancying her? You're the one who's off having secret bonding time with her—"
"Okay, I have not had any 'secret bonding time' with her. I can count on one hand the number of proper conversations I've had with her, and you were in the room for all but one of them."
"And when exactly did you have a 'proper conversation' with her when I wasn't in the room? Clearly it meant something to you if you specifically remember me not being there for it."
Sirius is starting to seriously regret bringing Evans up at all—he hadn't been expecting James to ambush him. "It's not like it was recent or anything," he says, nettled. "It was in first year. I, um…" He almost admits what really happened—that he'd kept her company while she cried in the girls' loo for reasons she never explained to him—but he knows he'd be embarrassed if the roles were reversed and Evans told all the girls about it. Anyway, if James found out about it, he'd probably just use it as an excuse to accuse Sirius of having some kind of big, secret emotional relationship with her. "It wasn't really anything," he says evasively. "We managed to be next to each other for ten minutes without biting each other's heads off. I only remembered it because it was so unexpected."
"He has a point," says Peter, smirking. "Evans has a stick so far up her arse that anyone would remember it if they managed to have a civil talk with her."
"Come on, she's not that bad," Sirius protests. "I'd have something to say about it, too, if anybody were doing to one of you lot what we do to…"
There's a long, uncomfortable pause, until Moony breaks it. "You say she's decent?"
"I… yeah. Yeah, she's decent. Her loyalties are all out of whack, but… she's not the one who's the problem."
Looking thoroughly irritated, James caves in. "Fine. From now on, we'll cut her some slack. I'm not saying she's going to be friends with us—"
"Good," says Peter, "because she's made it clear she doesn't want that anyway."
"—But no more… I don't know, insulting her when she stands up for Snape, or talking shit about her when we're in here."
"Are you sure you can manage that?" says Moony, starting to look amused.
"Please. He'd do anything for his precious Evans, wouldn't you, James?" Sirius snorts.
James throws a pillow at him.
xx
Evans seems not to know how to react to the sudden ceasefire. Before Potions the next day, when she starts yelling at James for laying a Bat-Bogey Hex on Snape, he puts up his hands in surrender before performing the countercurse without another word. Evans looks totally confused and actually goes speechless until Slughorn rescues her by sweeping into the dungeon and starting class. It's the same deal over the weekend: Evans interferes in a duel shortly after Snape has made blood spurt from Sirius's nose and mouth, and Sirius nods pointedly at her before coaxing the Marauders into walking away without retaliating further.
"What is wrong with you?" she hollers at their backs, but Sirius just waves at her over his shoulder before laughing loudly at the comment Peter makes under his breath.
At breakfast near the end of the next week, the boys wake up earlier than normal—it was a full moon last night, so not only did they head to bed before midnight, but they want to grab a quick and early breakfast before dropping by the Hospital Wing. Marlene and Evans are the only other Gryffindors in the Great Hall when they get there. Evans is at her usual far end of the table, while Marlene's sitting a little closer to the middle with some of her class notes propped up in front of her against a box of Common Welsh Greens cereal.
On an impulse, Sirius grabs James's hand. "You go on ahead," he says to Peter, nodding toward Marlene, and he pulls James in Evans's direction.
"What are you playing at, mate?" says James under his breath. "Are you sure you don't fancy her? Because—"
"We see her every day. This is going to be a lot easier if you make nice," Sirius mutters back.
"But—"
"Hey, Evans," says Sirius at a more normal volume, dropping into a seat across from her.
She looks from Sirius to James and back again, narrowing her eyes. "Okay, I don't get it. We're not friends. We agreed we're not friends. I'm not ever going to be friends with people who are toerags to my best mate."
"We're not friends," Sirius agrees. "It's just breakfast."
"And I suppose he put you up to this for some godforsaken reason?" she says, now turning to James.
Sirius stamps on James's foot under the table before he can so much as open his mouth. Thankfully, James catches on. "We all live together, don't we? Maybe Sirius isn't completely mental for thinking we'll all be happier if we're not at each other's throats so much."
"But you're still at Severus's throat, aren't you? And—"
"Well, Snape's not here right now," says Sirius firmly, "and there's no reason we can't have a nice breakfast for the next ten minutes before we… have to get out of here."
Evans looks from them down to Peter and Marlene and seems to put it together. "Lupin's in the Hospital Wing again?"
"Yeah. We're meeting him there before Defense. If it makes you feel any better, James is probably going to be so busy stuffing his face before we go that he won't be able to get a word in."
James whacks Sirius on the ear, and Sirius thinks he can almost—almost—catch a glimpse of a smile on Evans's face.
They eat mostly in silence, but it's a peaceable kind of quiet—not as awkward as Sirius would have expected. When Peter comes over and taps James on the shoulder, Sirius says in the most careless voice he can manage, "You two go on ahead, okay? I'll be right behind you."
"But—"
"It's all right. Go on."
Reluctantly, Peter and James leave him behind with Evans, who's starting to look nervous now that it's just the two of them alone. "If I didn't know better, Black, I'd say you're starting to fancy me."
"Why the hell does everybody keep saying that? Look—Evans—you're all right, but I don't think you're hot. James is the one who thinks you're hot."
Evans looks stunned by this piece of information. "Potter said that he…?"
"Yeah, he did, but don't tell him or anyone else that I said that, or he'll have my head. I'm not trying to—get you to snog me or something. I swear. I just wanted to talk to you about—Snape, actually."
Something folds up behind her eyes, and Sirius realizes that it might not be as easy to get her to be honest about her best mate now that they're not—in the moment anymore. "Why are you so obsessed with Severus? Why can't you just—?"
"Did you talk to him?"
She raises her eyebrows. "I talk to Severus every day. You know th—"
"Did you talk to him about what I told you he's been calling Pete?"
"That's none of your b—"
"Regulus is none of your business, but I still listened to what you had to say about him," Sirius reminds her. "And anyway—he's my best friend, Evans. I can't help that I…"
"Potter's your best friend."
"Yeah, but so is Peter. I may have lost a brother when I came here, but I gained three."
Evans is staring at him with her spoon hovering centimeters away from her mouth. "It really doesn't bother you that he's Muggle-born, does it?"
"No. It did at first, but it doesn't anymore," says Sirius, figuring he'll do best to be honest here. "So did you ask him?"
Looking down, she mumbles, "I did. He denied it, but I asked Mary, and—she said he's done the same thing to her."
"And you still haven't ditched him?"
"We've been best mates since we were eight, Black. I'm not just going to—"
"He hates people like you. How can you stand for that?"
"Because he's better than that. I know he is. If I just have some time to—"
"Change him? You know how that sounds, right?"
Her cheeks start turning pink. "I shouldn't even be talking to you about this. If he knew I was talking to you about any of this, he'd—"
"Hurt you?"
"No," she snaps. "He'd hurt you. Me, on the other hand—he'd just feel betrayed."
"He betrayed you first," says Sirius quietly. "He used that slur. Repeatedly. You've done nothing to him. As far as I can tell, all you've ever done is defend him."
She frowns. "Everybody deserves to have someone in their corner. You've got seven people in this castle who would die for you, Black, but—I'm the only person who's going to do that for him."
"But he's not in your corner. If he were—"
"That's enough," says Evans, her eyes icing over. "Just—go find Lupin. He… probably needs you."
"Evans—"
"We're done here," she says stiffly.
He's so distracted by their conversation about Snape that Sirius forgets all about his comment to Evans about James—or, at least, he does until dinnertime. Sirius had a free period with Mary and Marlene while everybody else was in Ancient Runes, so he meets back up with James, Peter, and a newly recovered Moony in the Great Hall—and flinches a little when James slams his bag down on the bench across from Sirius.
"What is wrong with you?" James demands as he flings himself down next to his bag.
"Dude, I should be asking you the same qu—"
"Having a right laugh at my expense, are you?"
"James, what are you talking—"
"The entire school is saying that I fancy Evans! The whole school, Sirius—"
Ah, shit. "Who told—"
"Pol Patil was giving me shit about it in Ancient Runes," James snarls. "He says I only have a rivalry with her because I'm trying to hide how I feel about her—because I'm jealous of Snivellus. Pol Patil! And when I asked Em about it, she said that Mary's been telling everybody after she heard it from Marlene, and McKinnon said that she heard you tell Evans at breakfast—"
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't realize anybody was going to overhear—"
"Out of all the people you could have told it to, you told Evans herself? It's not even true—all I said was that she's hot! And now I'm having to listen to bullshit from random Ravenclaws—"
It seems to go on and on. While Moony and Peter exchange looks like they're about to burst out laughing (much to Sirius's annoyance), Sirius waits for James to exhaust himself before he says simply, "I didn't tell her you like her—I just told her what you said about her being attractive."
"As if that's—"
"And it just slipped out, okay? She accused me of fancying her, and I was so sick of everybody saying it to me that I just—let it go on accident. I wasn't trying to humiliate you, and I didn't mean for anybody else to hear me—I didn't even mean for Evans to know. I swear. If it helps, it didn't seem like Evans even cared."
James glares at him. "You are the worst best friend ever."
But he still sits with Sirius all through dinner, and when they go up to the common room after, he takes his usual place next to Sirius on the floor before he buries himself in Charms homework. At first, Sirius is just grateful that James isn't pissed enough to go out of his way to avoid him. But then Sirius thinks about how he feels about James and the others, like a piece of his soul would feel ripped away if he lost them, and he wonders whether James feels the same way about him—whether that's even a good thing.