Chapter Twenty-Three: Loyalties Are Compromised

He feels like an arse, going right back to bullying Snape as if he'd never spoken to Evans or James, but he tries to push his reservations out of his mind. Without Regulus's companionship, Christmas break was even more awful than Sirius could have anticipated, and after day after day of Mum venting her every last frustration on Sirius, it's a much needed—if guilty—release to take out on Snape some of what's been building up inside Sirius.

But whenever Evans starts yelling at them, Sirius doesn't make any snide retorts: he ignores her entirely and directs all of his contempt at Snape. He's doing it because she had a point—it hasn't been fair of him to bring up heavy stuff to her like he wants her to trust him, just to turn around and be a dick to her every time he and James start piling on Snape. No matter how many times Evans says she and Sirius aren't friends—whatever Sirius may say to James and the others—Sirius can't help but think of her that way, at least a little bit, and it makes him want to give her a little more respect by leaving her out of the business with Snape.

However, he's not a good enough person to leave Snape alone—and even if he were, at this point, it's not like Snape hasn't given him bullshit right back or like he has any kind of relationship with Snape that he ought to be respecting. Sirius already knows that Evans and Snape are a package deal—so leaving Evans alone and going only after Snape just has the unintended effect of pissing Evans off even more.

The Wednesday after break ends, she corners Sirius after Potions and drags him into an empty classroom to talk. "I've got Muggle Studies," he says blankly, but he obediently closes the door behind them and then leans his back and bum against it.

"I don't care if you've got Muggle Studies. Didn't I just tell you before break to stop trying to be nice to me?"

"I'm not being nice to you. I haven't even tried to talk to you."

"Yeah, but you've had plenty of opportunities to target me—I've gotten in your face four times in the last few days—and you haven't. You're still a toerag, Black, and if you're going to do it to my best friend, I'm not going to leave you alone until you have to start doing it to me, too."

"So let me get this straight," says Sirius, raising his eyebrows. "You want me to pick on you? You want me to start mouthing off again about what a tight-arse you are?"

"Of course I don't. I want you to leave Severus alone, but if you're not going to—and I know you well enough to know already that you're not going to—then the least you can do is not treat me like I'm… like I'm complicit in this. Like you're making an exception for me because we're friends. We're—"

"Not friends. Yeah, I know. But listen—Evans—I know you don't believe it, but one of these days, you're going to realize exactly who and what he is, and when you do, you're going to be awfully lonely if you don't start letting other people in."

This, more than anything Sirius has said or done in the last four days, seems to boil Evans's blood. "Severus is a good person, and I am never leaving him. Do you understand me? I don't need you patronizing me about how I'm going to need to beg for your friendship some day—"

"I didn't say that," says Sirius calmly. "I never said you were going to need my friendship. I said you might want to consider letting somebody in, but it doesn't have to be me or any of the other Gryffindors. I just—thought you should know that when that day comes—"

"It won't," she sneers.

"Okay, fine. If that day comes, I… would try to be there for you, you know, if you asked me to. I think we could be friends, Evans. I would like that."

"Well, I wouldn't," she huffs. "I can't believe your bloody audacity."

He shrugs. "Suit yourself. I just wanted you to know. I should really get going before I'm late to Muggle Studies."

But as it turns out, Sirius doesn't make it to Muggle Studies that afternoon at all—because on his way there, he bumps into Regulus.

He isn't surrounded by his Slytherin posse, for once, and he looks distracted and a little frightened when he meets Sirius's eyes. Sirius looks quickly away, intending to stick to his resolution to stop abusing the shit out of his brother, but then Regulus mutters, so low that Sirius almost misses it, "Hey."

Sirius is so shocked that his heart rate picks up and he stands there gaping like a fish. "Hi."

"Can we go somewhere and talk?"

"I… let's just… uh…"

He follows Regulus into a nearby empty classroom. "Look, I'm sorry about…" Sirius trails off, clears his throat, and tries again. "I'm just really sorry. I've been doing a lot of thinking for the last few weeks about—about us, and I've been a piece of shit to you, and I shouldn't have. If I wanted you back in my life, I should have just—"

"I'm not here to talk about that," Regulus interrupts. He's talking very fast and very quietly, and his face is the picture of anxiety. "I wanted to tell you—it's about to get—you need to get away from me, and you need to get away from Mum and Dad. Don't come home for Easter. Promise me you won't come home for Easter, okay?"

"Regulus, what are you talking about? What's going on?"

"I can't tell you that, but—you need to stop. Okay? You just need to stop."

He makes for the door, but Sirius blocks him; he pulls a James and locks the door before Disarming Regulus. "Explain. Now."

"They don't want you to know," Regulus breathes, "because they don't trust you—but you need to know that you have to be careful from now on. I don't think Bella knows much more than that you're a Gryffindor—I don't think Mum and Dad like to admit to other people that they raised a blood traitor—but she could know from Cissy, and—"

"Regulus—Regulus—slow down. What does any of this have to do with Bellatrix?"

"You need to keep your head down, Sirius. You're the blood traitor she knows best in this whole world, and you know what she's like—you know not to put it past her to…"

"Regulus—"

"I'm not saying she's wrong," says Regulus. "I'm not saying I disagree with her choices. But I don't want to see you get yourself killed because of it, Sirius. Just—you can't breathe a word about your Mudblood friends, and you can't mouth off or—or give Mum any reason to tell Bella to—"

And then he realizes what Regulus is going on about. "Bellatrix is… is a Death Eater."

After a very long moment of staring at Sirius with his jaw hanging open, Regulus nods. "Rode is, too. They—"

"Bellatrix is a bloody Death Eater, and you don't disagree with her choices?!"

"Sirius, we've been over this. Muggles—"

"Are human beings, Regulus—"

"Who would just as soon have us all tortured and killed if we don't stop them first!"

"You know what? Fine. Say you're right—say they are really that dangerous. That might justify killing them all in your warped view of reality, but it doesn't justify torturing them for sport. And what about Muggle-borns, huh? They're wizards, too—how are they dangerous if the Muggles would just as soon kill them as us? If Muggles really were that bad, I don't think they'd be making exceptions for Muggle-borns just because they were family."

"You're wrong. We can't trust Muggle-borns—their loyalties are compromised. And why shouldn't—the Death Eaters, the Dark Lord, they're—they're trying to cleanse the world, aren't they? But you still have to watch the life leave people's eyes as you do it. The guilt would be overwhelming if you didn't learn to—compartmentalize."

Nauseous, Sirius gets his hand on his wand before he realizes what he's doing. He doesn't raise it—he's got no desire to curse his brother right now—but he holds it in his sleeve as he says, "What happened to you, Regulus? The brother I knew would never—"

"If you really think that, then you've been lying to yourself. But you're still—I know we don't love each other anymore, not like that, but I still—love you, Sirius, and I don't want to see you get murdered. You need to be careful. Do you understand me? Don't give her a reason to go after you. Don't—"

"So you want me to protect myself from the Death Eaters, and you don't give a shit about any of the other innocent people that they could target?"

"I didn't say that."

"Yes, you did. You just said that it's okay for Death Eaters to torture and kill Muggles and Muggle-borns."

"But they're not innocent, Sirius—"

"They are," he says, "and it sickens me that you can't see that."

"Sirius, can't you—can't you see that I am trying? Everything I believe is telling me to stick to what Mum and Dad said and not tell you this, but I want to—you're always saying you want to save me, aren't you? Well, this time, I'm trying to save you. I know things went to shit—I know that you hate me—but can't you just let me save you?"

And—underneath the rage and resentment at her for throwing him back into danger, Sirius suddenly thinks he can appreciate part of why Andromeda might have wanted Sirius to keep Regulus protected at all costs. Whatever Regulus says, he wasn't always a monster—Sirius can't picture five-year-old Regulus being okay with torture and murder, no matter what, and even the Regulus standing here in front of Sirius now clearly has some goodness left in him, if he's going out of his way to try to rescue Sirius.

Did Andromeda feel the same way about Bellatrix? Did she watch Bellatrix spiral out of control—all the while wishing she'd stayed close instead of running away from her madness—so that maybe Bellatrix might have trusted her enough that Andromeda could influence her away from what she's become?

Or was Andromeda thinking, not of Bellatrix, but of Narcissa? Narcissa was never mad like Bellatrix was, but she'd still been swayed by Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus's beliefs. Did Andromeda think that, if not for Bellatrix, there had been hope for Narcissa? Did she think she'd failed her?

Or—and Sirius feels floored when this occurs to him—did Andromeda's motivations have to do with Narcissa, but for a different reason? Did she regret not having done more to protect Narcissa from Bellatrix? Was she transferring her own guilt onto Sirius—trying to get Sirius to do for Regulus what she didn't do for Narcissa? Sirius doesn't know a lot of details about what happened between Andromeda and her sisters—she didn't talk about Bellatrix's madness in much detail, just like Sirius didn't talk to her about Mum's—but he knows Bellatrix was just as bad as Mum was, if not worse, and that can't have been easy on Narcissa, the youngest and meekest.

It doesn't make Andromeda right in having asked Sirius to go back to Grimmauld Place for Regulus—but it's enough to flood him with guilt for not trying harder to understand her intentions. Would he be wrong—right here, right now—not to have sympathy for Regulus's intentions? He's violating everything he believes in, after all, to try to help Sirius. If Sirius really wants to do what he promised and try to save his brother, shouldn't that start with recognizing that he isn't evil?

But—how can Regulus not be evil if he's okay with torture and murder?

If he were an Auror or something, and it were up to Sirius to stop Death Eaters, would he be okay with using Unforgivable Curses on them? He wouldn't, he realizes after hardly a moment's consideration. Even in combat, he'd stick to non-lethal force and only inflict as much temporary pain as he needed to slow them down.

He tries to imagine Bellatrix using Crucio and Avada Kedavra on Muggles and Muggle-borns and finds that he has no trouble at all picturing it, but when he tries to imagine Regulus doing it…

"I don't hate you," says Sirius. "I never hated you. I only ever wanted to be your best friend. But if you're okay with Bellatrix becoming a cold-blooded murderer—if you're okay with the thought of yourself becoming a cold-blooded murderer—then I guess that's over."

As he throws Regulus's wand back to him, Regulus says in a low voice, "I'm not kidding, Sirius. Don't do anything rash. Promise me you won't do anything rash."

Sirius unlocks the door and marches out of the classroom without answering.

At first, he's just blindsided—but the panic starts to set in about a minute or two after he leaves Regulus behind. His cousin—his family—is going to be torturing, murdering, and honestly probably also raping innocent people—and from the sounds of it, his brother supports her, notwithstanding any risk of Bellatrix targeting Sirius. What the fuck has his life become? Sirius always knew his home life wasn't normal, but Mum can't be the only parent in the world who's ever abused her kids. Having his close relatives become murderers, on the other hand…

It's not like he would ever have put it past Bellatrix to gravitate toward such a violent lifestyle. She's always been that way—and unlike how Mum was with Andromeda's family, Bellatrix never reined herself in around Sirius or Regulus. But it still makes him feel sick to know that he's got a blood connection to a Death Eater.

He's going to excommunicate himself, he reminds himself. He's going to get himself burned off Mum's tapestry, and he's going to sever his last remaining ties to this insanity.

He doesn't go to class—he doesn't think he can stand the thought of sitting still at a desk for the next hour-plus, concentrating on Quirrell's lecture. He wants to be alone, but—the very last thing he could stand right now would be to be alone.

Where are the Marauders right now? He's the only one of them taking Muggle Studies, after all: the others all have a free period. Peter's probably playing wizard's chess in the common room with Mary—they've made sort of a habit of it at this time of day, Sirius thinks—but if Sirius tells him it's urgent, he'll come. Mary can come, too, for all Sirius cares: it's not like he's going to be able to keep this a secret from the girls or like he even wants to try. On the other hand, James and Moony are—

—Up in the dormitory, he realizes. He doesn't know what they're doing, exactly—picking at the Marauder's Map or working on the spell to use in the Restricted Section or planning their next prank to play on McGonagall—but they're up in the dormitory, and Sirius has got to get to them before he completely loses his shit all over this corridor.

It seems to take ages for him to get all the way to Gryffindor Tower. His face is hot, and his hands are sweating, and his heart is still hammering just as hard as it was with Regulus. In the common room, his eyes skim heads until they land on two blonde heads of hair and a chess set.

He marches right up to them and taps Peter on the shoulder. "Dormitory. Now. You, too, Mare."

"Aren't you supposed to be in Muggle Studies?" Peter points out. "If you skive off any more of Quirrell's classes, he's going to—"

"Eff Quirrell. Dormitory. Come on."

Upstairs, Sirius barely remembers to stop and knock first. "We're bringing Mary in. Are you decent?"

"Sirius? What—?"

"Are you decent?"

There's a pause. "Give it a second."

The Map, then—they must have it out and need time to stow it. It's not like James or Moony would be changing into clean robes at this time of day, after all. When James grunts that it's okay to come in, Sirius bowls open the door and—without thinking, without even realizing what he's doing until it's done—marches straight up to Moony and flings his arms around him.

"Sirius?"

For the second time in a month, it surprises Sirius to find that he's crying, but there's only one thing his great big belly sobs can mean. Moony is sitting with his legs crossed on the bed, and Sirius is standing, so it's all Moony can do to hold him up as Sirius hunches his back enough to rest his forehead on Moony's shoulder and just—let go. Fall apart. Whatever.

It's hard to stand. "Come here," Moony murmurs—apparently these last few weeks he's learned to just roll with Sirius's breakdowns without asking questions—and putting his arms around Sirius's waist, he guides him down so that his bum is on the bed and his head is resting somewhere by Moony's stomach.

"It's okay, Mary; you can…" says James, who's scooted over to the far edge of Moony's bed to make room.

Sirius thinks Peter has followed him to Moony's bed already—and then Mary's there, too, sitting down next to Sirius's feet (which he's got up on the mattress along with the rest of him). "We're going to break your bed," Sirius tells Moony, and then he laughs at himself because he sounds ridiculous protesting about this through his sobs. It comes out sort of strangled sounding.

"It's cool," James says swiftly. "If we do, we'll just Reparo it."

"Sorry," Sirius adds, reaching up to wipe his eyes. "Sorry."

"Like I said, it's cool. Do you want to tell us what you…?"

"It's my cousin."

"Andromeda?" asks Peter.

"No. Bellatrix. She's joined the Death Eaters, and Regulus…"

The room is very quiet for a moment. Moony puts both arms back around Sirius's back and holds on.

It's stupid. It's not like he can do anything about it, right? He doesn't exactly have any evidence. All he has is Regulus's word, and that wouldn't hold up. Even if he reported it, Sirius is sure Regulus would deny it. He supports Bellatrix. He think she's got the right idea. He…

He skips dinner, and Moony stays behind with him. Sirius tries to complain, but Moony just gives him a look like he means business and says, "I'm not leaving you alone up here, Sirius, so you can just—forget it. Okay?"

"Okay. Sorry."

"Don't—hey."

"We should go," Mary says now. She reaches over to squeeze Sirius's shoulder a little, clearly unsure whether this is allowed, but smiles when he reacts by putting his hand on top of hers. "Do you want us to fill in Marlene and Alice and Em?"

"I… yeah. Yeah, they should know, and I don't want to have to be the one to tell this story to anybody else tonight."

When Mary, Peter, and James troop out of the dormitory, and it's just the two of them, Sirius groans and pulls Moony down with him so that they're spooning on the bed, Sirius's arm slung over Moony's waist. He's reminded of mornings after full moons in the Hospital Wing—and a second later, for reasons he doesn't understand, he's reminded of being in the library with Em right before their first kiss, the way it felt to hook his leg around hers and raise a terrified hand to her shoulder, hardly daring to dream that something more might happen.

Emmeline is the first one back from dinner. "I know how this is going to sound," says Sirius with an amused smile—half an hour with Moony already has him feeling more human—"but what are you doing here?"

"We're all coming—Alice and Marlene, too. Can I join the cuddle pile?"

"I'll leave you two to it," says Moony quickly, dislodging himself from Sirius. "Threesomes aren't really my thing, no matter what James tells you about what we all get up to in here every night."

"Well, yeah," Emmeline says, smirking, as she crawls on top of Moony's bed and lays her head on Sirius's chest. "Threesomes aren't your thing because you're too busy having foursomes."

"Oh, shut it," says Moony amicably, going to sit on Sirius's bed instead.

It feels a little jarring to jump straight from Moony's arms into Em's, but it's nice, too. It doesn't feel sexual, surprisingly—he just feels calmer, somehow, like their company makes this life more manageable. That part, of course, is not a surprise: Sirius already knows that he gets a high just from being around any of his best friends.

"So what happens now?" Em asks him.

"Well, you know the rumors, right? She and her husband are going to kill somebody for their initiation, and then—"

"I don't mean about Lestrange," she clarifies. "I mean—what are you going to do? Are you going to take Regulus's advice—stay away from home over Easter? What about the summer?"

"I don't know yet. I… and I know this is going to sound stupid… but I don't want to let them take my whole life away just because I'm afraid of what they'll do to me. I'm not going to quit being a blood traitor just because…"

"That isn't stupid, Sirius," says Moony gently. "And I think it's very brave of you to still want to live your morals, even knowing that you could become a…"

"A casualty," Sirius says. "Yeah." His voice sounds oddly flat, and he tightens his control and puts one of his palms on the back of Em's head.