Chapter Twenty-Seven: Enough to Frustrate

A distraction Sirius can throw himself into that doesn't make him feel guilty is exactly what he needs—but as it turns out, the initial steps of the Animagus spell aren't the distraction Sirius was hoping they would be. The next day is a Sunday, and while Moony is helping Peter practice for Defense Against the Dark Arts, James and Sirius sneak out to Hogsmeade to look for Mandrake leaves and Death's Head moth chrysalises in the apothecary. They find the leaves, but not the chrysalises, and agree to ask Mundungus Fletcher to find some for them at the same time as they inquire about the Portkey.

The passageway back to Hogwarts is dank and smelly and, most of all, long. They entertain themselves planning their next prank on Snape until James (who's leading the way) throws his head over his shoulder and smirks. "So, Sirius, since you're a man now and all—"

"Oh, shut it."

"—What's it like, anyway, having sex?"

This surprises Sirius. "Thought you didn't approve."

It's not that James necessarily said so in so many words. He obviously hadn't been expecting Sirius to say that he'd had sex with anybody, let alone Marlene, but he didn't come right out and criticize Sirius for it—Sirius had just inferred this from James's lack of anything explicitly supportive to say. Besides, James's parents may not be as deeply purist as Sirius's are, but his mum did grow up a Black—Sirius can't imagine that James didn't receive at least some of the same lectures that Sirius did about waiting until marriage, or at the very least until coming of age, to get laid.

"Don't get me wrong, I think you're making a terrible decision by getting up to what you've gotten up to in the last couple of months—you could get in major trouble if you get caught, and you're just screwing yourself and McKinnon over—"

"Ha."

"Oh, shut up—screwing yourself and McKinnon both over by refusing to have an actual, honest conversation with her about your relationship. But if you're going to do this—and I don't think anything I say is going to talk you out of doing this—you're my best mate, dude. It would be weird if you didn't tell me what it's like, especially when I'm not getting any from anyone."

"…I don't know what to tell you," Sirius says eventually. James has turned back around, and they're crawling again. "I'm probably not even any good at it yet. It's only been a couple of months, and neither of us knows what we're doing."

"Please. With the rate you two go at it, you've had plenty of practice to get good at it. How much better than porn is it?"

"You read porn?"

"You don't? I thought everyone does."

"Well, you wouldn't if you grew up on Grimmauld Place with my mum and dad."

James snorts, "And yet you're the one who lost his virginity in fourth year. You'll have actual, illegal, underage sex, but you won't read porn?"

"Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't even know where to buy porn. Where did you find it, anyway?"

"Fabian Prewett hooked me up."

"Right. How have you managed to keep it hidden from us this whole time?"

James takes a second to answer this time. "Well, Pete did catch me reading it one time, but I threatened his firstborn and swore him to secrecy. Anyway, you're one to talk: you managed to keep actual sex hidden from us."

"Yeah, for two whole months. How long have you been reading porn, anyway?"

"Like, a year," he says, "but that's not the point. The point is, tell me about your sex life. What does it feel like? What does she let you do?"

Sirius can hardly believe that he's crawling down an earthy tunnel, covered in dirt, and talking to James Potter about his sex life. "Look, I'll tell you, but if I do—"

"I won't say a word. Understood."

He's very glad that James is crawling ahead of him and can't see Sirius's face right now. "Well, it's—really wet. I mean, there's the obvious, but—there's also a lot of sweat. And—spit."

"Gross," says James, but he sounds fascinated. "Do you just mean, like, kissing, or do you mean…?"

"I did once," Sirius admits. "The texture felt really good, but it tasted like shit."

"Wonder if it's different with different girls. What's it feel like, anyway? Just, like, in general; I'm not just talking about—that."

He considers this for a second. "Well, it is kind of nasty. Not completely nasty—it still feels really good and stuff—but I didn't know it was going to be so… sticky or slimy or whatever."

"What rock have you been living under? Hadn't you ever—?"

"No," says Sirius curtly, "and I'd appreciate you not being a dick about it, thanks."

"Gee. Sorry. Go on."

"But—yeah. It's not like I don't like it, obviously. It's really—I don't know. Like, there's a lot of pressure, but it's also really slippery, and the contrast is really nice."

"Wicked."

"It's just really… intense, I guess—and I don't just mean physically. It makes me feel like she… knows me, because she's seen those parts of me. I don't know—does that make any sense?"

"Kind of. Porn doesn't talk about the emotional part of it. I've never… none of the girls I think are hot are actually my friends, so loving somebody and being attracted to them are, like, totally divorced in my brain."

"That makes sense. It's weird with Marlene for kind of the same reason. I am friends with her, and I do think she's pretty, but—before all this, we didn't know each other that well, comparatively. The part where I suddenly feel close to her is kind of jarring."

It's bizarre having this conversation in casual tones with James, whom Sirius has never talked to before about anything even remotely sexual. He's throwing out details like they're no big deal, yet they are a big deal, and it feels like almost as big a deal to be telling them to anybody. To share something that private like it's just idle gossip makes Sirius feel kind of weird and uncomfortable.

"I think we're getting close," says James, craning his head to try and make out the end of the tunnel.

"That's what she said," Sirius mutters before he can help himself. James barks out a laugh.

xx

By Monday, Sirius is sure that Emmeline has heard about him and Marlene. She skips breakfast—or, at least, if she does eat breakfast, she leaves before Sirius gets there—and in Charms, she glares daggers at him before taking the seat next to Evans's. Up until now, she's mostly been avoiding his eyes altogether, and the subtle shift in attitude pretty much confirms for him that she knows by now and she's feeling just as pissed and betrayed as he was expecting.

Shit. He really, really wishes Moony and Alice hadn't caught them coming out of that broom closet.

But it's not like Sirius can just go up to her and apologize and ask her if she's okay—not when it's probably entirely his fault that she isn't, and not when she's made it extremely clear that she doesn't want to speak to him. He asks Alice how Em seems to be doing—they're roommates, after all, even if Em is dodging her too—and whether Em has told her anything about what's going on, but Alice is just as clueless as Sirius is.

It's a long shot, but—there is one person whom Sirius thinks might have some idea how Emmeline is doing, and that's Evans. Evans has also made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want Sirius talking to her, and she's probably going to be pissed at him for trying to use her to get information without giving a shit about her or Snape. She's at least partly wrong—Sirius does give a shit about her, at least, even if he doesn't show it—but it's not like she doesn't have a point about him only ever talking to her when he wants something from her. Still, he's desperate—and Evans is the one person whom Emmeline doesn't seem to be upset with at the moment.

That afternoon, he sidles in next to Evans in Transfiguration before Em has a chance to claim that seat. With Sirius sitting by Evans, Em will probably sit alone, and Sirius isn't sure how he feels about this. On the one hand, Em seems to want to be by herself when none of their other friends really would, but on the other, there's clearly something going on with her, and she's not going to get the support she probably needs if she remains isolated.

Predictably, Evans is pissed. "What do you want now?" she hisses after McGonagall concludes her lecture and sets them all to work.

"Okay, look, I know you said you want me to stop being friendly—"

"D'you think?"

"—But I'm worried about Emmeline, and I was just… hoping you might know how she's doing. If she told you anything in confidence, you don't have to tell me what it is, but—you've obviously noticed that she's dodging all her friends right now, and I'm worried about her. You can appreciate that I'm worried about my friend, right? You don't hate her like you hate me, do you?"

He's positive that he's bungled this—that Evans is going to get annoyed with him for trying to get something out of her for the benefit of making him feel better—but surprisingly, Evans's face softens a little. "Black, I… Emmeline isn't my friend, either, exactly, so it's not like she's told me anything, and even if she had, I wouldn't tell you what it was," she says, but when she does, she doesn't sound angry.

"But—you're worried about her, too?"

"It's just really… unlike her to act like this. Emmeline is always really bubbly and talkative and—well, you know; she's one of your best mates—and she's not just that way with the rest of you: she's usually that way with me, too. We don't… she's been getting the message that I want her to leave me alone, but she still goes out of her way to acknowledge me when we pass each other in the dormitory and stuff." Evans looks embarrassed to admit this, like she's ashamed of her own behavior or something. "If she were just mad at you lot and wanted to be around me instead, she'd be acting really friendly—but she's not. She barely says a word to me. I wouldn't feel any closer to her now than I did a few months ago, except…"

"Except she keeps going back to you."

"Yeah. You should—I can't ask her what's wrong; it would be disingenuous of me, after how I've treated her; but if you're worried, you should try and talk to her again. I think this thing with her might go deeper than you think."

But Sirius can't talk to Emmeline—not after how evident she made it that the last thing she wants is his company, and especially not now that she knows about him and Marlene. What would he even say to her? What justification could he possibly give her for how fast he seemed to move on? It's not like Em would believe him if he told her he was only doing it because of her, and even if she did, he doesn't want to hurt Marlene by letting word get out that he doesn't feel about Marlene the way he's increasingly starting to think she feels about him.

Meanwhile, things with Moony are… strained. It hadn't even occurred to Sirius that Moony might worry about Sirius's illegal sexual choices taking him away from Moony, and now that he knows Moony's worried about this, he feels even more guilty every time he sneaks off to see Marlene. Moony obviously knows what's going on—they all spend enough time together that it's not like Sirius is doing a good job of hiding it—and every time Sirius comes back to the dormitory, he can't look Moony in the face.

In a way, it's terrible timing that they found the recipe for the Animagus spell now, with Sirius's relationship with Moony so rocky. It's not like he thinks Moony doesn't want Sirius to go through with it or like Moony doesn't want Sirius around. The whole reason they're fighting is that Moony's scared of losing him. To use Evans's word, though, it feels disingenuous to be spending all this time talking to the Marauders about their plan to be there for Moony when Sirius won't stop doing the thing that Moony thinks is going to take Sirius away from him.

After their fight when Moony caught them in the broom closet, they avoid directly talking about Marlene at all unless James or Peter brings her up, in which case Sirius gives one-word answers and pointedly keeps his gaze directed away from Moony until he's able to change the subject. Sirius is totally blindsided, therefore, when two weeks later, he's alone with Moony in the dormitory, and Moony brings it up.

"Is it worth it?"

Sirius looks up from his Divination essay and furrows his eyebrows. Moony doesn't explain, but Sirius knows exactly what he's asking about. "Honestly? No," he says. "It's not worth the guilt I have to carry around every minute of every day. I just—can't stop. Why are you asking, anyway?"

"You're my best mate. If this is going to be a part of your life from now on, I may as well stop dodging it and just accept it."

He sounds so resigned that Sirius feels another pang of guilt—not that that's anything new. "It'll be over when we do the Mandrake leaves, okay? I can't keep it up when that starts, and—and a whole month away from her should be enough time for me to get my head on straight."

"Yeah," says Moony, and Sirius thinks that's going to be the end of it until Moony adds, "What… I mean, when you and Marlene are together… what's that like?"

He sounds like he's trying awfully hard to sound casual, and Sirius feels a rush of gratitude. Maybe Moony really is trying to come to terms with it for the sake of their friendship—setting aside his own personal feelings so that he can act to Sirius like everything's normal and the threat of Azkaban isn't hanging over Sirius's head.

Before he opens his mouth, he's intending to just tell Moony the exact same things he told James—but then he looks up, and the look on Moony's face isn't anywhere near casual. This isn't anything like James teasing Sirius about porn or snarking about how gross it all sounds or even reflecting on how weird he thinks it is to be emotionally invested in somebody you're sleeping with. This is… Moony's cheeks are flushed—actually, his whole face and neck and ears are all flushed—and his jaw is hanging just a little bit loose, not so much that his mouth forms an O but enough that he looks flustered.

"You really want to know?" Sirius asks him. His voice comes out all low and husky.

Moony's jaw snaps closed, but the blush remains. In that same voice that's trying too hard to be casual, he says, "What, don't you feel like you can talk to me about it?"

Sirius really does consider calling Moony out on his bullshit—telling him he knows Moony's not giving him his real reason and demanding it before he gives Moony anything to go on—but… he doesn't think he's ever seen Moony look at him this way, like he's—way outside his comfort zone, but not uncomfortable, not in a bad way. If anything, Moony looks almost—sort of—enthralled.

It's not that Moony's never open with Sirius—he's only touchy-feely after full moons, and he trips over his words when he tells Sirius what he means to him, but he's never been anything but honest with Sirius about his emotions. But—Sirius has never seen this side of Moony before, bewitched and enraptured and totally… exposed, offering up something so sensitive and personal that's all for Sirius to see. It thrills Sirius, and he doesn't want to risk one damn word that might break the spell and send Moony retreating back into that head he lives in all day.

"Well, it's… sex is really…"

Sirius's voice comes out all crackled and phlegmy, and he clears his throat and thinks hard about what words to choose. How to find a balance—to give Moony what he's clearly craving without going too far and driving him away—?

"At first, it was fast," he says now, starting over. His voice still sounds weirdly sultry. "I don't think I lasted more than a minute the first time. I had no idea what I was doing—didn't even realize until the third or fourth time that she hadn't… you know. But—the more you do it, the longer you can last, and—I did things right on accident enough times that I started learning what's good and what that looks like on her. See, she likes it slow—when you build up intensity and then back off, not entirely, but enough to frustrate her. She likes that. It makes it better for her at the end."

"And you?" Moony's voice has dropped, too, in both volume and pitch. "What do you like?"

He thinks on this for a moment. "Ears," he says decisively. "It tastes really bad when you're the one doing it to her, but the other way around—hot breath and a little tongue—feels incredible, Moony."

Moony bites his lip.

"And fingers—sucking on her fingers. It gets real sloppy real fast, but—that's kind of hot, too. Her skin is so tangy, and once her fingers are drenched, it makes it slicker when she…"

He doesn't finish the thought—doesn't want to cross that line—but from the looks of it, Moony's plenty preoccupied filling in the details himself. His breath hitches. So does Sirius's.

"Have you ever pictured what it would be like, Moony? Having a soft girl underneath you?"

"No," breathes Moony. "Not ever."

"But—you are now?"

"I'm…"

"Who are you picturing?"

"I—"

The door slams open, and Sirius jumps while Moony coughs and rubs his hands over his face. When James and Peter barge into the room and let the door bang shut behind them, James raises his eyebrows and says, "What's with you two?"

"Oh, you know," says Sirius, "just educating Moony in how to wile women. Our widdle Moony is all grown up and asking questions."

"Shut the hell up," mutters Moony throwing a pillow at him. Sirius catches it and grins, but the smirk slides right off his face when he catches himself wondering whom Moony's going to be imagining when they all go to bed tonight—what he's going to get up to behind the curtains of his four-poster.