Chapter Thirty: Savor It While He Can

"I'm going to snog Dana Madley today," James announces to the Marauders at dinner.

In all fairness, it's not like this is completely out of left field. Madley's been hitting on James in every Divination class for weeks now, and Peter tells Sirius that they've been just as annoying around each other in Ancient Runes. Still—"Are you sure about the timing of that, James? Take three of our Mandrake month starts tomorrow night. If you ask her out, and she says yes—"

"Yeah, because you and McKinnon haven't found ways to make it work without involving your mouth," Peter sniggers.

Moony rolls his eyes. "Sirius shouldn't even be doing that, and if James has his head on straight—"

"Okay, first of all," James interjects, "who said anything about me asking Madley out? I said I'm going to snog her; I didn't say I was going to date her."

"So you don't intend to keep snogging her after today?"

He shrugs. "What can I say? I want the experience, but I don't want the commitment. Clingy girls? No, thank you."

Sirius points out, "Hey, just because you don't want a girlfriend doesn't mean you can't keep the snogging going."

"You might think that's working for you and Marlene," says Moony, "but some of us actually respect the girls we're with."

"Since that's working out so well for you. Remind me again when you had your last kiss? Oh, that's right: you haven't yet."

"For one bloody day, can you two just not?" James groans. "I'll snog Madley today, and then I'll brush her off for the next month. Girls like you better when you act like you're not interested, don't they? And anyway, that should make it clear to her that I'm only in it for the physical, even if nobody's getting laid."

"Well, Sirius is getting laid—"

"Not the point, Pett," snaps Moony.

Sirius just rolls his eyes at Moony as he takes another bite of his roast. It's not like Moony is wrong, but—well, Sirius already laid bare to Moony his reasons for what he and Marlene have been doing, and if Moony wants to not accept them and turn right around and gossip about them to James and Peter, then that's Moony's problem. Sirius has quite enough guilt on his mind without Moony adding to the pile, thanks.

He's not really that hungry, but he's loaded up a plate that's full to bursting and is intent on eating his way through all of it while he can. Tomorrow's the first full moon since they returned from Christmas break, which means Sirius, James, and Peter are about to spend the next month surviving on Madam Pomfrey's nutrient and hydration spells while feeling like they're literally starving to death. If Sirius isn't going to get to eat for the next month, he wants to savor it while he can for as long as he can, hungry or not.

It's going to be their third attempt. After the cloudy full moon that put a stop to their first try, they had to wait out the summer, as it's not like they could have done the stupid heart-tapping chant thing at home, where the Trace would catch them and the Ministry would throw their arses in Azkaban not just for doing underage magic outside of school, but for doing illegal magic at that. They did another Mandrake month from September to October, but Hogwarts had a freak spell of good weather, and there wasn't an electrical storm before November rolled around and sunsets started falling during their last classes every day, so that they couldn't escape to somewhere private in time to do the chant.

So they're trying again, and if this time doesn't work, Sirius is legitimately going to kill someone. James and Peter were right—they should have waited until this month in the first place and spared themselves an extra two months of starvation. It's not just about the hunger, either, even so much as smiling makes the leaf show to other people, and they've had their fair share of near misses and the girls pointing out that they had lettuce caught in their teeth.

"Wish me luck, lads," James says when he's done eating, and he shoves his plate aside, gets up, and heads to the Ravenclaw table.

Sirius makes small talk with Peter for the rest of the meal, while Moony pores over his copy of the Evening Prophet. None of Sirius's friends took out Prophet subscriptions until this year, but then again, it wasn't until this year that the Death Eaters really started making a move on Muggle-borns and Muggles. Before, you'd hear about the occasional disappearance, but none of them really affected anybody Sirius knew; now, every week, there's another torture or murder in the paper every week.

The bad news about Sirius's… whatever you want to call it with Marlene is that Sirius's sex life seems to be destroying his relationship with Moony, who's been doing his level best to judge the shit out of Sirius and interfere all year. The good news, however, is that the constant emotional turmoil is enough to sufficiently distract himself from wondering how many of the deaths he keeps reading about are Bellatrix's fault—from wondering whether Regulus still approves of all of this.

Ever since they got back from break, Regulus has been hanging around Snape when Snape's not with Evans, and—okay, yeah, Sirius knows he shouldn't be taking that out on Snape, but can you blame him? He swore to himself he was done tormenting Regulus, but—well—he's got to do something. Sirius can't just sit there and watch Regulus shack up with the biggest Dark Magic-loving Death Eater wannabe that Sirius has ever seen and not react.

At this point, Sirius is just—counting the days until he hears that Regulus has joined up with Voldemort. When the inevitable happens, and he does, Sirius doesn't know what the hell he's going to do.

So in the meantime, when he spots Snape and Regulus leaving the Great Hall, Sirius mutters to Peter and Moony that he'll catch up with them later before aiming a Trip Jinx at Snape.

Underneath his smirk, Sirius is livid, but he's certainly not going to let Snape or Regulus know that. "What is wrong with you?" sighs Regulus as Snape gets to his feet and whips out his wand. "Why do you have to keep inserting yourself into our lives?"

"Well, seeing as I can't seem to avoid your ugly mugs in this castle, I may as well have some fun messing them up, shouldn't I? Furnunculus."

Boils sprout all over Snape's face; he tries to retort with something wandless and probably violent, but Sirius's Expelliarmus is too quick for him. Regulus has got his own wand out now, too, though, and while Sirius is distracted Disarming Snape, Regulus aims a well-placed Full-Body Bind that leaves Sirius to collapse like a board in the middle of the floor of the hall.

"Let's go, Severus," he tells Snape after walking up to Sirius and collecting Snape's wand. The crowd starts to dissipate; Peter starts rushing to Sirius's side, but to Sirius's surprise, the person who beats him there and performs the counterjinx is Marlene.

"You okay?" she mutters as he sits up and reaches for his wand.

"I'm fine," he says more brusquely than is strictly necessary—he was already pissed, but now he's embarrassed, too, from Regulus getting the last word. (Well, technically, the last jinx.)

"Black—"

"I said I'm fine, McKinnon. Screw off."

Moony grabs Sirius by the elbow and hauls him to his feet. "Please excuse us, Marlene," he says brusquely. "Sirius and I have something we need to speak privately about."

Peter trails behind them as Moony drags Sirius off to the nearest boys' bathroom. "Is this really nec—"

"Shut up and help me check for feet."

There's one occupied stall, and after Edgar Bones emerges from it and gives them a cheerful wave, he seems to realize his mistake, and the grin slips off his face. After he departs, Peter locks the door behind them.

"Sirius," says Moony now in a long-suffering voice, "I know Christmas break was hard on you, and I know it's hard for you to see your brother being best buds with Snape, but you've got to pull yourself together. Quit taking your frustration out on Snape—and for that matter, quit taking it out on Marlene, too."

"Why the hell do you care, anyway? It never bothered you before when James and I went after Snape, and my relationship with Marlene is—"

"Is that what you're calling it now? A 'relationship?' Because you definitely aren't treating her like it's a real relationship."

"I told you my reasons; it's not my fault they weren't good enough for you. I'd appreciate you dropping it, and I'd also appreciate you stopping—trying to track me down on the Marauder's Map and barging in every other time I try to get laid. You make it really hard for a bloke to get any release, you know that?"

Moony glares at him. "Then be like James and get yourself a porn subscription. Why d'you have to drag Marlene into it? Your choices affect more than just you, Sirius."

Without taking his eyes off of Moony, Sirius says, "Peter, can you leave us for a minute? We'll meet you back in the dormitory."

"But—"

"It's fine, Peter," mutters Moony. "Thanks."

Peter looks pissed about this, but he unlocks the door and marches out of the bathroom without comment. A moment later, Sirius can hear it locking behind him.

"I know my choices affect Marlene," Sirius says with an air of forced calm, "but I'm not seeing how they affect you."

"I never said they affect—"

"But you act like they do. Tell me, how is my sex life any of your business?"

"Because—because—" Moony looks like he's fighting with himself; he wipes a hand across his sweaty forehead. "Because I'm watching you destroy yourself over this, and I care about you! It's my business if it hurts me to see you hurting yourself—and Marlene."

Sirius crosses his arms. "That's the biggest load of codependent bullshit I've ever heard, and that's coming from me."

"Do you even give a shit about anybody else, Sirius? Or are you so caught up in your own crap that you think the rest of the world will just cater to you?"

"I do not think the world has to cater—"

"You treat Marlene like she's got to," huffs Moony. "You have a perfectly lovely girl who would like nothing more than to have something real with you, and you just string her along like she's worth nothing."

"God, haven't I told you? I'm the one who's not worth it. I'm the one I think is pathetic."

"Then why do you treat her like—"

"Because I can't give her what she wants! I don't bloody have it in me, Moony, and I'm not strong enough to stop, so I just—keep us in limbo. We've been over this so many times. I never said I was proud of it, and with all the shit I give myself, I'd appreciate it if you'd take my side for once."

"Then why the other girls? I know you were snogging Greta Catchlove last week. If you feel so guilty for what you're putting Marlene through, then why—?"

"Because I was trying to make myself move on, okay? Catchlove and the others—they don't want anything from me the way McKinnon does. If I can just bury it in one of them—it was supposed to just be about physical stuff, so why can't I just…?"

The thing is, what he's asking Moony—Sirius already knows the answer. Snogging other girls hasn't helped Sirius move on because it's not just about physicality: it's about what Marlene means to him. If he gives her up—

If he gives her up, she walks out of his life entirely, and Sirius can't handle that—but the whole thing is too much of a mess to fix. He can't date her now. He'd spend their entire relationship trying to make up to her how badly he's screwed up the past year, and Sirius is way too damaged to be able to live up to that kind of pressure.

They've reached a standoff, at least until Moony drops his gaze and shakes his head in disgust. "Fine. Wreck both of your lives. See if I care."

"I wish you wouldn't," Sirius retorts. Moony chooses not to answer this.

Back in the dormitory, Peter doesn't bring up the fact that they kicked him out of that bathroom, but he's huffing and puffing enough that Sirius is sure he's still pissed about it. Well, fine. Go on, let everyone in Sirius's life pile on him—it's nothing he's not used to.

When James returns, his appearance is totally collected and put together, but the look on his face makes it seem like he had some kind of major revelation in that broom cupboard with Madley. "That was your first time, right?" says Sirius, raising his eyebrows.

"What makes you say that?" asks James, and his voice is just a little too high-pitched to sound normal as he glances down himself quickly.

Sirius sighs. "I dunno, mate, you just look the same way I felt the first time I shagged McKinnon." He deliberately avoids Moony's eyes.

"What do I look like?" says James a little defensively.

Sirius says after a pause, "Like your whole world just got a lot more complicated."

James doesn't answer right away. "It wasn't my first. I mean, I haven't had my first yet—we didn't do it; I've never… done… it."

"As you shouldn't, considering the laws in our world against underage intercourse," says Moony promptly with a glare at Sirius.

"'Intercourse?' Seriously, mate?" snorts Sirius, if only to divert a little attention away from Moony's point.

James doesn't seem to even register this. "I think I'm going to ask out Evans," he says decisively.

This is a surprise. Sure, Sirius knows James thinks Evans is hot—they've all known that since third year—but James has made it absolutely clear up until this point that his attraction to her is strictly physical, that he can't stand her personality.

"You're kidding. You haven't forgotten that she's Snivellus's best mate, right?" asks Peter, frowning.

"You won't have a chance in hell, mate," Sirius warns him.

"Yeah, Lily Evans," says James after another long pause. "I'm going to ask her out, and I'm going to let her reject me."

"Wait. I'm confused," says Peter, and Sirius holds in his comment on this. "You fancy Evans now? After snogging Madley? And you know she's going to turn you down, and you want her to?"

"I'm not delusional. I know she can't stand me. But if I plant the seed now, she'll at least know I'm interested—it means she won't friend zone me when I start getting to know her properly."

"And you think she'll even give you the opportunity?" says Moony skeptically as Sirius asks, "You're interested now? I thought you couldn't stand her, either. You're the one who resisted when I tried to get you to be nice two years ago."

James shrugs. "I guess I just realized that—what I was doing with Madley didn't have any substance, but with somebody like Evans? I dunno. She'd be a challenge, and I'd have to—if she actually went for me, it would mean I was worth something. I just want to feel like I'm worth something."

Sirius and Peter trade a look before Peter says, "James, you're already worth plenty without needing Evans to prove it to you."

"Am I, though? What do I do that makes me worth…?"

Here it is again: the insecurity James works so hard to conceal from everyone around him. "Well, let's see," says Sirius, ticking it off on his fingers. "For the third time in a year, you're about to keep a Mandrake leaf in your mouth for a whole month so that you can very illegally save your werewolf best mate from himself during his transformations. You show your friends you love them even when it makes half the castle think you're gay. You're bloody brilliant at Transfiguration. You're loyal. You—"

"Jeez, Sirius, I wasn't trying to get you to suck up to me," says James a little sheepishly.

"Look, if you want to go after Evans, I've got no problem with that. Just—don't ever chase after somebody because you think they'll give you self-worth, okay? Trust me when I say that that's just asking for trouble."

James, Moony, and Peter all trade knowing looks that, quite frankly, royally piss Sirius off—but he's not in the mood for a confrontation. Not now.

xx

Sure enough, Evans turns James down the split second he asks her out after dinner the next day. "What is wrong with you?" she hisses, her face turning bright red. "What could possibly have possessed you to think that I could ever want to go out with you?"

"Oh, you will," says James as suavely as if she'd just said yes. "Give it time, Evans. You'll come around."

"Not on your life," she snaps as she flounces out of the Great Hall as quick as she can.

"Tough break, mate," says Sirius, clapping James on the shoulder.

"It's all right. Can we talk, though? Just the two of us?"

"Uh—yeah, sure."

They grab themselves an empty classroom. Sirius hopes this conversation won't take long: he'd been wanting to get Marlene alone tonight, so that he can have one last go with her before the start of the Mandrake month. He's really going to end it this time—he just needs something he can remember to help get him through the first few weeks of it.

Now that they're alone, James looks—actually pretty embarrassed. "I, uh… I wanted to talk to you about Evans."

"Is this about your half-cocked idea that you're going to get her to go out with you one of these days?"

"It's not half-cocked," says James, "but—I should have asked yesterday, but I just wanted to check that that's… okay with you. I mean, you said it was okay, but that was in front of Moony and Peter, and I didn't know if you were just saying it to save face or if—"

"Why wouldn't I be okay with you asking Evans out?" asks Sirius dumbly.

"I know you're with McKinnon—sort of—but I just thought—"

Sirius is so relieved to hear somebody asking about his love life in a context that doesn't involve criticizing him for the way he treats Marlene that he busts out laughing. "James, mate, I don't fancy Evans. I've never fancied Evans. Seriously, you've got my blessing, okay? I think you're mad, but I'm not—er—mad, if you know what I mean."

James's expression immediately clears. "That's—good. That's good. Thanks, Sirius. Hey, the next time you and she have one of your heavy talks, can you put in a good word for me?"

Sirius snorts, "I will if we do, but I really don't see that happening ever again. She hates me now, remember? You should know—she hates you, too."

"For now," says James, and there's a spring in his step as they start to walk out of the classroom. "You ready for another month of no kissing, smiling, eating, or drinking?"

"I… in a while. There's something I wanted to do first."

"Sirius, you've got to stop—"

"I know. I know that, James. It'll be the last time, I swear, but can you just—give me the Map? And cover for me with Moony and Peter? I don't think I can deal with the way Moony reacts if he finds out."

He finds Marlene alone, thank god, out on the grounds. Immediately, the tight fist constricting his chest starts to loosen. "Hey."

She looks up and bites her lip. "Hey."

"I'm sorry about what I said yesterday. I was an arse."

"Yeah, well, you're always an arse," Marlene mumbles. "If it were enough to drive me away, I would have left a long time ago."

"Marlene…"

The corner of her mouth turns up. "Tonight's going to be the last time again, isn't it?"

"I—for real this time. I mean it. We can't keep doing this to each other anymore. I…"

"It's fine. Just don't think about what it means," she says, and she takes him by the hand and leads him back into the castle.