"Now be very, very quiet," whispered Poison Ivy, as she slid down the rope hanging from the vent into the warehouse below. "We don't want to alert the night watchmen."
"Red, I was kinda hoping I could talk to you about something," whispered Harley, as she followed her down the rope.
"You want to talk to me about something now, while we're trying to be quiet and not alert the night watchmen?" whispered Ivy, annoyance in her voice. "Couldn't you have picked a better time?"
"We can talk quietly," whispered Harley. "I was just wondering if you'd seen Harvey recently. The two of you are still kinda…involved, aren't you?"
"I really don't want to talk about it, and I especially don't want to talk about it here!" hissed Ivy. "It's nobody's business, for one thing, and for another, we're trying to sneak into this warehouse unobserved, and we can't do that if they catch us talking!"
"I was just wondering if you knew what kinda mood he was in," Harley continued. "After his little spat with Mr. J at the heist. Did he seem apologetic at all to you?"
"What would he have to be apologetic for?" asked Ivy. "The clown insulted him first."
"Yeah, but he did kinda crash Mr. J's scheme, which he'd been planning for a long time," said Harley. "Actions speak louder than words, if you ask me."
"They don't if you don't stay quiet!" snapped Ivy, clapping a hand over Harley's mouth as a door opened in the warehouse. The two of them ducked down behind some boxes as a couple of men shone flashlights around, and then shrugged and headed back out of the building, shutting the door behind them.
"I mean, it was kinda rude for Harvey to just show up, after Mr. J had been planning this heist for a while," whispered Harley. "He could have given some advance notice."
"He's not obligated to do that – we don't have to inform the other supercriminals when we're plotting a crime," retorted Ivy.
"No, we don't have to, but it would be polite," said Harley.
"Well, it's not like Joker informed anyone else about this bank heist in the first place," retorted Ivy.
"Mr. J ain't polite," replied Harley. "But I like to think Harvey is. He should have done the decent thing since he's a decent guy. Mr. J ain't a decent guy, so nobody's expecting him to do the decent thing. It's just not in his character, but it is in Harvey's. So I think an apology would be nice."
"An apology for what?" demanded Ivy. "Unintentionally being in the same place at the same time? That's not a crime, you know. Harvey didn't show up at the heist to spite Joker – he genuinely didn't know he was going to be there. It was nothing personal, so J should stop taking it personally."
"And I think he would if Harvey would apologize and say it was all his fault," replied Harley. "I think it would be a good start at making this whole mess blow over, and it would only be fair."
"And I don't think Harvey did anything wrong, so I don't think he has anything to apologize for," retorted Ivy. "And I'm sick of talking about it, so just shut up, would you?"
"You know, you don't have to defend Harvey just because you're sleeping with him," retorted Harley.
"I could say the same thing about you!" snapped Ivy. "Why do you defend the clown when he acts like an irrational idiot? Just let him sulk and fume and blow up a few blocks of the city to make himself feel better – he'll get over it eventually."
"I don't want him sulking over Christmas," retorted Harley. "And he was really mad about the whole thing. I'm afraid he'll do something drastic, I mean really drastic, not blowing up the city. He's threatening to kill Harvey, and I think he's serious about that."
"Let him try – there's always a chance it'll backfire on him and he'll kill himself, which will be the best thing for everyone," replied Ivy.
"You wouldn't want Harvey to be hurt though, would you?" asked Harley. "Or dead if Mr. J is successful."
"I have faith in Harvey's innate paranoia – he's not going to let the clown get near enough to stab him in the back," retorted Ivy. "You know practically everyone we associate with is paranoid to the point of madness thanks to the Bat. Harvey will be on his guard as usual, and he can take J in a fight."
"In a fair fight, maybe, but Mr. J fights dirty," replied Harley. "Because he's not a decent guy, as discussed previously. I just think if you care about Harvey at all, you should try to get him to offer an olive branch…"
"You know I hate that expression!" snapped Ivy. "Why do people have to murder a poor, defenseless olive branch in order for stupid humans to stop fighting each other? It's a ridiculous custom, just like Christmas trees! Which is why we're here to liberate them," she added, taking out a knife and cutting the netting off one of the pine trees which surrounded them.
"Yeah, I don't really know how we're gonna do that, though," said Harley, slowly, looking around at all the trees in the warehouse. "I mean, they've already been cut down, so they're gonna die…"
"They don't have to spend their dying moments being crushed by gaudy ornaments!" snapped Ivy. "We can at least get them out of here and give them a quick and dignified death!"
"Which ain't the kinda death Mr. J is planning for Harvey, I guarantee it," said Harley. "If you would just talk to him, Red…"
"Harley, for the last time, shut up about Harvey!" shouted Ivy, rounding on her. "First of all, I'm not responsible for him! Second of all, I'm tired of this conversation, which wouldn't pass the Bechdel test in a movie setting! And third of all, I'm trying to not alert the guards! So just drop it and let me concentrate!"
"Ok," said Harley, shrugging. "Still not sure what the Bechamel test is, but we're not in a movie, so I guess I won't worry about it," she added under her breath.
"Who's in there?" shouted a voice suddenly, as several flashlights shone into the warehouse. "Come out with your hands up, or we'll start shooting!"
Ivy swore loudly. "Guess I'll have to speed this up," she muttered, pulling out a matchbox. Guards rushed into the warehouse as Ivy lit the match, and then glared at them, raising her fist. "Better to die in flames than live in tinsel chains!" she shouted.
"Oh my God, she's not gonna…" began one of the guards, but Ivy suddenly dropped the match onto the tree beside her. It caught fire in a matter of seconds, and flames spread to the other trees until the whole warehouse was ablaze.
The guards fled the scene, as did Harley and Ivy, with Ivy shouting, "Stop the Christmas tree slaughter! Freedom for flora! Plant liberation today!"
"So that's a no on talking Harvey into apologizing, huh?" asked Harley, as they drove back to Ivy's hideout in her car.
Ivy said nothing, but pulled over, opened the passenger door, and shoved Harley out onto the sidewalk. Then she drove away without another word.
"Yeah, that's a no," sighed Harley, picking herself up and dusting herself off. "Well, it's not the first time I've been shoved out of a car, and it probably won't be the last. At least it wasn't moving, unlike the last time Mr. J did that. And speaking of Mr. J, I guess I'm back to the old drawing board," she sighed, walking slowly back to the hideout.