"Harley! Wake up! We're going to Bergduffs again!" shouted Joker, throwing open the door the next morning. "We're gonna get you another expensive Christmas present!"
"No, puddin', I don't want to!" groaned Harley, as she rolled over, pulling the covers over her head. "You can't buy me two when I ain't even got you one!"
"I can do whatever I want – c'mon!" he snapped, trying to grab the cover off her. "You're being ungrateful when I'm trying to be generous, like the spoiled brat you are!"
"Puddin', why doncha just buy yourself something nice?" asked Harley. "And I can just say it's from me? That way you can go to Berduffs and pick out something you really want, and I can stop worrying about what to get you."
"I don't want anything from that store!" snapped Joker. "It's all overpriced junk that only gullible suckers could want! But you're a gullible sucker, so just get up, get dressed, and come with me to the goddamn store, will ya?"
Harley reluctantly obeyed, entering the store for the third day in a row. "Now pick out something over a hundred bucks!" snapped Joker.
"Mr. J, if this is just because you wanna get the box and do the Christmas Day delivery service, why don't you buy something you'll actually need?" asked Harley. "Like a fancy new knife set or something…"
"I don't know what you're talking about!" he interrupted. "I've never heard of a Christmas Day delivery service, and I definitely don't have plans for a box!"
"Oh God, fine!" sighed Harley, grabbing a diamond necklace off a mannequin. "Here! I'll have that!"
"That's too small!" snapped Joker, knocking it out of her hands. "I need something that'll fit in a bigger box!"
"I thought you said you didn't have plans for the box!" retorted Harley.
"Don't get cute with me – just pick out a bigger present!" snapped Joker.
"Ok, here, those are great!" said Harley, seizing a pair of diamond-studded heels. "Shoe box should fit what you want in it, right, Mr. J?"
"Yeah, that'll be fine," agreed Joker. "I'll pay for these, now get out!"
"And here we go again – Mr. J will send Roc to return the box to the store with the bomb in it," muttered Harley to herself. "If he wants to blow up Batman, I'm all for it, although I don't know how he's gonna figure out an address to deliver it to him."
Joker left the store with the gift box a little while later. As before, he removed the shoes and handed them to Harley, and then took the box to his study. "Uh…Mr. J?" said Harley, catching the door before he could shut it. "Were you still planning on making Bats pay for attacking us?"
"Yes," agreed Joker. "Got a real good joke planned for him, and I can't wait to see the look on his face."
"You wanna tell me about it?" asked Harley. "You always like to monologue your schemes to an audience, and I always like to hear what my genius puddin' has come up with."
Joker sighed. "Oh, very well," he muttered, holding open the door for her. She entered his study to see it strewn with papers as usual, and the Joker's latest caper sketched on the whiteboard. "I'm going to lure Batman on Christmas Day by sending a note to the GCPD claiming I have hostages," said Joker, gesturing to it. "They'll light his little signal, and he'll come where I've said the hostages are. Only there won't be any hostages – there will just be a box from Bergduffs delivered that morning. And when he opens the box, he'll get the surprise of his life as it blows up in his face!" he giggled.
"But won't Batsy be suspicious of the box and not wanna open it?" asked Harley.
"Almost certainly, because he's not an idiot, but he won't have a choice," retorted Joker. "Because I'll write in the note that I'll start killing the hostages unless he opens it. Of course I'm not going to go through all the effort of actually getting hostages, because I'm on vacation, but he doesn't know that. The threat of death is always enough to make him do stupid things. And I'll be watching from the sidelines and laughing as he sets off the world's most obvious trap!"
"Great idea, puddin'," said Harley. "And then after you take care of Bats, you'll come back here and spend some quality time with me and the babies, huh? At least you'll be in a good mood then."
"Of course, pumpkin pie," agreed Joker, kissing her nose. "You can greet me with a glass of eggnog, wearing your pretty new shoes and pretty mink coat. And nothing else," he added with a grin.
"Mmm, sounds great, puddin'!" giggled Harley. "And then your Christmas present can be unwrapping your Harley and taking her for a nice, long ride."
"We can play Santa and the naughty girl," he agreed, grinning at her. "You can sit on Santa's lap and tell him all the bad, dirty things you've done this year, and he can punish you for them by making you into his little ho ho ho."
Harley kissed him tenderly – that was the great thing about Mr. J. He could start off the day in one mood, but you never knew what sort of mood he was going to end up in. "Can't wait until Christmas, puddin'," she purred.
"Well, you'll just have to," he added, spanking her. "Now go on. Daddy's got a lot of work to do."
Harley spent the rest of the day wrapping the presents she had bought for their henchmen (it was indeed socks with itching powder in them, but Harley had managed to convince Mr. J that with inflation, the boys deserved ten dollars each instead of five.) She wasn't surprised at all when Rocco came to the hideout later and collected the package to take it back to Bergduffs. "I don't need to come with you on this one, Roc – this one can go off and the recipient can be blown sky high, for all I care," said Harley, smiling at him.
"That's good, Harley…" began Rocco, glancing down at the label. His face fell. "Uh…Harley?" he stammered.
"Yes, Roc?" she asked.
"Uh…this box…is another bomb?" he asked.
"I assume so – Mr. J pretty much confirmed it," agreed Harley. "It's for Bats. Mr. J's gonna lure him to the delivery address, Bats is gonna open it, and be blown into a million Bat-pieces."
"And Bats is gonna be the only one there, huh?" asked Rocco.
"No, Mr. J said he was gonna watch him open it – wanted to see the look on his face before it gets blown off," replied Harley.
"Only…it's being delivered to the same address as the other bomb," said Rocco, slowly. "The blown-out warehouse you thought would be safe for the other one to go off in. I guess J thought that would be a good place for a bomb to go off in too."
"What?" asked Harley, racing over to read the label. "But if they deliver two bombs there, and they both go off, Mr. J could be hurt! He's only counting on the one to go off! If there's double the dynamite, there will be double the explosion!"
"You could tell J not to go," suggested Rocco.
"Are you kidding? How am I gonna possibly keep him away from watching Batman's final demise?" demanded Harley. "He wouldn't miss that for the world! And I've tried tying him up before, but he always breaks out!"
"You could ask J to lure Bats somewhere else," suggested Rocco.
"And then he'd want to know why!" snapped Harley. "I mean, maybe I could make up some story about the warehouse having toxic Christmas tree fumes or something, but I don't think he'll buy it! Anyway, he's probably already sent the note to GCPD!"
"We could get the store to deliver both bombs someplace different," said Rocco. "Then J will be disappointed when the Bat's bomb doesn't arrive, but he'll just assume some crazy mix-up, like with Two-Face's bomb."
"Two crazy mix-ups?" demanded Harley. "That's not likely! He'll know there was some funny business going on then! Plus I don't want there not to be a bomb at all, because then Bats will drag Mr. J off to Arkham! And he can't be there alone for Christmas!"
"So I guess we'll just have to ask the store to deliver the first bomb somewhere else," said Rocco.
"I think that's our only option," agreed Harley, nodding. "All right, fourth time's the charm at Bergduffs!"