"Captain Benson," I say into my phone. My eyes are glued on the Computer screen before me, my fingers typing an email to my chief and fuck, I didn't even look at the caller id.

"Detective Stabler," he chuckles out.

I laugh, "Oh, shut up."

"You're so hostile."

"What do you want? I'm working. And shouldn't you be also?"

"Ahh, took the day off. I am standing outside your precinct at this hot dog cart if you want to join me for a hot dog though."

I glance out my window and sure thing, he's standing on the sidewalk staring right back at me. "You came all the way, from long Island, to have a hot dog with me?"

"That's surprising?"

It's definitely not the first time he's done something like this. "Okay, let me finish this email and I'll come down. Don't forget the..."

"Extra relish, I know."

Of course he hasn't forgotten that one detail about me. I finish my email quickly, tell Fin I'll be back in an hour tops and to call me if something comes up and head down to the man who is sitting on a bench across from the cart with both our hot dogs in his hand.

"Hey. Thanks," I say as I sit beside him and take the dog he has extended out to me.

"Don't mention it. How's your day going?"

"It's going. Would rather be sleeping but you know."

"I do. Which is why I took the day off."

"Hmm," I finish chewing the bite in my mouth, "Catching up on all that sleep you missed as Eddie Wagner?"

He chuckles, "Trying to catch up on all the sleep I've missed in my whole life."

I laugh. With all the sleep he's missed, we've missed, we'd both sleep until the day we died, "You'd probably never wake up if you could do that."

"Yeah. Which is why I'm here, with you, instead of my bed."

"Well, I would have chosen my bed over you but thanks for thinking of me." We both laugh and God, I've missed this man. So much.

As I finish the last bite of my hot dog, I catch him staring at me. At first I try to ignore it but when he doesn't look away, I get a little antsy. "What?"

He shakes his head, "I just missed you."

We're supposed to be working on this, working on us. But it's still so new, so foreign to me. To handle Elliot openly talking about his emotions, which is something he's obviously trying to work on with me, is overwhelming. Overwhelming to finally hear those words coming from him. And I wouldn't have ever had to hear them from him if he wouldn't have fucking left me in the first place. "Well, if you wouldn't have disappeared for 10 years, you wouldn't have missed me."

It's not the answer he was hoping for. I see the look of disappointment on his face and good. I wish he could have seen me breakdown inside of an interrogation room when Cragen told me he wasn't coming back. When my earth shattered from underneath my feet. When my heart broke into a million pieces.

"I'm sorry," he offers.

It's sincere. I know he's sorry but sorry doesn't fix anything. It doesn't give us back the 10 years he took away from us. And I know we're trying to heal, we're trying to move forward but Jesus, for not the first time I'm wondering if we can ever move forward. Because even if I trust him wholly again, there's still going to be a constant fear that he's going to leave me. And I really don't know how I'm going to survive it. The closer we become, the harder that will be. And it's already going to be hard as we are right now. "I know. I know you're sorry. But... it's just so much, Elliot."

He nods, "I want anything you're willing to give me, Liv. An acquaintanceship, a friendship, something more. I'm lucky that you're even talking to me."

Yeah, he is. But he's Elliot. And him, me, us, we've always been connected. Have always had this weird connection that has brought us together and even when I tried, I couldn't even ignore his phone calls, which is why it hurts so bad that he ignored mine. That he could ignore mine. "Did you even listen to any of the voice-mails I left you?" When he shakes his head in the negative, I frown, "I left you SO many. So many. Until the box was full and I still kept calling you. For months. Until I realized you were never going to pick up. Then you sent me that badge and medal and I thought it meant something..."

"It di..."

I don't let him finish, because I'm not done talking yet. And he's going to listen to me now. I don't care how much he thinks it meant because over time, they meant nothing to me. "I wore that medal around my neck forever, stuck the badge on the bottom of my clip because they were pieces of you. Pieces of you I thought you wanted me to have. And then, after..." I'm not talking about that yet, "I realized you were never coming back. Realized I was an idiot for thinking that you were. I guess I just don't understand how you did it. I could have never done that to you and you did it to me easily."

"You think that was easy for me?"

"Well, you never gave me a reason to think that it wasn't, Elliot."

"Cutting you off was the hardest thing I've ever done in my fucking life."

I scoff, "Cutting me off? Like I wasn't a fucking person with feelings."

"I needed to leave, Liv."

"And you think I wouldn't have supported that?"

"I needed to save my marriage too."

I fall silent then. What did his marriage have to do with me? Everything. I can see it on his face. Saving his marriage had everything to do with me. Our relationship, we had figured it out, for the most part. At least I thought we had. We made it work. Respected the line between us. Never came close to physically crossing it and it was working. I went out of my way to save his marriage, went out of my way to make sure he went home to his family, while I went home alone. And I was fine. Fine with the way things were. Well, at least, I think I was.

"If I had heard your voice, even over a voice-mail, I wouldn't have left. And, yeah it was mistake. I made a mistake. But I cared about you, I care about you deeply. And I didn't want to hurt you but I thought it was the only way. The only way for both of us to have a clean slate."

"I didn't want a clean slate." I never had and fuck him for thinking I did. "And you did hurt me." I need him to know this. Need him to know that as much as he didn't want to, he had. He had hurt me deeply.

"I know. I can't take back what I did to you. As much as I wish I could, I can't."

Well, at least he wishes he could. I sigh. This is going to be hard. Really hard. I stand then because I really don't know what else to say at this time and I do need to go back to work.

He stands with me. And I can see the fear written on his face. He's scared. Terrified that I'm going to call whatever is going on between us off. "Are we, are we still friends?" He asks as I start to walk away from him.

I turn towards him, let his sad eyes connect to mine, "Yeah, we're friends. It's just going to take time, Elliot." Something more, something deeper between us is going to take time. And even with time, I'm not quite sure anymore if it's going to happen. But at least we have somewhat of a friendship. When he nods his head in understanding, I say, "I have to get back. Thanks for lunch."

He lets me go in silence. Respects the fact that I'm done speaking to him for now. And really, fuck the words for now.