This is my life, I guess.

Elliot being ripped away from me in the middle of the night. The night where he rocked my world with my clothes still on. He had groaned, tried to talk his way out of leaving with Bell, but he was needed and as much as I hated it, I understood. Untangled myself from his body, allowed him to give me one more searing kiss and walked him to the door.

That was four weeks ago. Four weeks. And I can't even comprehend why it is so fucking hard for us to see one another. I don't know if fate just isn't on our side or if we're doing something wrong but when he just had to regrettably cancel on me again tonight, I'm literally about to start throwing shit around my office. He was apologetic, of course he was apologetic. I could hear the emotion in his voice and God, I hate our jobs so much. We just want a night to be together. A whole night alone to be together.

Next time was not supposed to be this long away. I still need to tell him about Lewis and that in and of itself is going to take a whole night. So even when we do finally get together, we won't be able to wind up naked that night. As much as we both want that, I'm not going to want to have sex after talking about Lewis, that much I'm sure of. And fuck, I just want to get it over with so we can have sex, so he can make love to me like I know he so desperately wants to. Like I so desperately want him to.

He was just about to walk out of his unit when they got called for another case. Just about to go home and get ready to pick me up tonight at seven so we could have dinner and end up back at my place. I even got rid of Noah for the night and I really just want to cry. We keep making these plans, I keep mentally preparing myself for this conversation and it's not fucking happening.

Noah misses him too. Is always asking about him and with my boys new discovery of himself, I kind of would like Elliot to have conversation with him. Not that I can't handle the fact that my son is bisexual by myself and not that he can't handle it either because he's the most fearless child I have ever met. And I am SO beyond proud he is mine. But I think a conversation with a grown, non-judgmental, adult man would be good for him. Elliot doesn't know of Noah's new discovery yet because as much I want to tell him, this is Noah's news to share with those he trusts. Not mine. And if Elliot and I are moving forward, if we can ever find a fucking way to see one another, I want Elliot to be someone he trusts.

Elliot could have been someone he trusted by now if it wasn't for my three months of avoiding him, if it wasn't for our jobs that keep tugging us in all different directions. How the fuck is this going to work between us if we never see one another? I'm tense again, my body screaming for a release from the one and only Elliot Stabler. And fuck, is it that hard to have a fucking weekend for ourselves!

When I get an email from my chief, I groan loudly. That's it! That's fucking it! I'm throwing my laptop. Right fucking now. Fuck my chief, fuck my job, and fuck this laptop. It's about to go flying, it's already in my hand when there's a knock on my door. Thank God for that because goddammit, that would not have been good. I mumble a yes and have to stop myself from smacking my head on my desk.

"Hey, Liv. I was just going to ask..." Amanda must see the look of irritation, sadness, fuck I don't even know what my face looks like, because she stops mid sentence. Eyes me suspiciously, closes the door slowly behind her. "Are you okay?"

No, I'm not fucking okay. Obviously, if she has to ask the question. But I really don't want to talk about my personal problems with Stabler right now so I say, "Yup." I'm not even gonna try to cover up the fact that it's a lie. "What did you need?"

She stills eyes me suspiciously, approaches my desk slowly and sits on the chair provided there, "I was going to ask if you had a chance to go through the paperwork for the Steven's case. I finished it two nights ago, just want to make sure it was good. I was a little skeptical on it."

"Oh, um. Yeah, it was fine."

"Liv..."

"What?" God, I know I sound like a bitch, so I take a deep breath. None of this is Amanda's fault, none at all. And she doesn't deserve any of my raft. "I'm sorry... I'm just..."

"Did Stabler do something? Because we'll..."

I hold my hand up quickly. Rollins isn't a fan of Elliot, she's already made that clear. And I completely understand her reasoning behind it. She didn't know us before. She knew me after. And after? I was a complete fucking disaster. "No, he didn't do anything. We're, him and I, are fine."

She nods, "Then what's wrong?"

"Amanda."

"Liv. If you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me."

I laugh lightly at that, "Like you talk to me about Carisi?" I don't know why they think I don't know. I saw them leave Fin's wedding together and I can see the way they look at one another now. It's not secret. Well, at least, it's not to me. And really, I'm happy for them. I am. And I really hope they get to see each other more than Elliot and I do. Okay, maybe I don't hope that that much because I deserve that too dammit.

She's shocked with that. I can see it on her face. "I..."

"It's okay. I won't tell anyone, you know that."

She says a quiet, "Thank you," looks down at her hands and back up at me. She wants to help me, I can see it. And really talking to her is a better alternative than throwing my laptop and going off on my chief.

I sigh, rub my hands down my face, "We, Elliot and I, just can't seem to find time to see one another. His unit is busy, our unit is busy. Every time we make plans one of us has to cancel. I even got rid of Noah tonight..."

Her eyes widen with that, "You two are..." And I wonder if she would be able to tell I was getting some incredible sex because I can definitely tell on her.

"No. I mean, not yet. I, we," I groan because I'm a grown ass woman and I'm having trouble talking about this shit, "want to. Really want to. And we've fooled around a little bit but Elliot doesn't know. He doesn't know..." I gesture along my chest because Amanda knows. Everyone here knows what my skin looks like now. They don't know for a fact but they know. She nods but stays quiet. And great, now that I've started I'm not gonna be able to stop. "And I don't know how he doesn't but he doesn't, which means before my clothes can come off, I have to tell him. And that's..."

"Gonna take a whole night..."

"Exactly. And God, I just... I want him. I've always wanted him and I keep preparing myself for the fucking Lewis conversation and one of us always has to cancel. And what if that's a sign, Amanda? Like what if we aren't supposed to be together?"

"Do you think that?"

Sometimes, I do. Sometimes I think the universe is keeping us separate on purpose. But then I remember how much he makes me smile, how relaxed he makes me, how good he makes me feel, how hard he makes me laugh and God, we're supposed to be together. He's my person. "No, I don't."

"Okay. Well maybe you two can use some vacation time." When I mug her slightly because vacation? How am I going to take a vacation when I can't be left alone for one fucking night? "What? You know you both have to have enough. Even if it's just for the weekend. One night for Lewis and one night to... make up for the 24 years you both have been waiting." 24 years. Jesus. Sometimes it's hard to believe that that many years have gone by already. "Trust me, after that long? God, Carisi and I waited 10, and I thought that was long, and it's so good. Just imagine after 24?"

I laugh. Like I haven't imagined that plenty of times at this point. I thought I knew and after our dry humping session, I really know how fucking mind-blowing it's going to be. That's why it needs to fucking happen already. "I have a whole unit to care for."

"Make Fin care for it for a couple of days. Take care of yourself, Captain."

I sigh because she's right. We all deserve a break once in a while and when was the last time I took a break? Paris? But this woman doesn't like Elliot and I can't help but wonder why she's persuading this. "You don't even like Elliot."

She shrugs, "No, I really don't. Not just because of what he did to you but because he's reckless. And yeah, I know you say it's because he cares so much but he doesn't have to be such a fucking alpha male all the time."

"I kind of like the alpha male." I do. Just a little bit.

She laughs, "Well, more power to you."

I smile. "Thanks. For the advice." Really, because I hadn't even thought about trying to get away with him. And she's right, it's the perfect solution. A way to relive my trauma safely in his arms, recover with him the next day, and the next night we can, finally, seal the last piece of our relationship. We can become one.

She nods, stands and makes her way to my door but stops abruptly, "The paperwork for Steven's was really okay?"

"You know I never asked my Captain if my paperwork was okay back in the day. Are you trying to have to do more work?"

"I'm just trying not to get chewed out over it and have to stay later another day. I have plans tomorrow night and I'm not trying to have to cancel."

Okay, I am not that bad. They hardly ever get chewed out, let alone about their paperwork. But if I'm in a mood, which I've been in a lot since Stabler has gotten back and shit, that man just needs to fuck me already, I am known to complain. Well I mean, these reports go to my chief and McGarth already has his fucking issues with me. God, am I really that bad? And she must think she did something wrong if she wants to know so badly. "I'll read it over again before I leave."

"Thanks, Cap."

I give her a smile and she gives me one before closing the door behind her. One minute I'm Liv, the next I'm Cap, and these people are my family. They always have been. Just like Elliot always has been. My family. Something I never had growing up, to something I've had my entire Detective work.
And Elliot was there, at the very beginning, before I was broken, before I was beat down, before I was abused, he was there. He knows me. Well knows who I used to be and God, I miss that woman sometimes.

It frightens me. Frightens me to tell him about who I really am now. About why I am who I am now. About why there is a shadow that hangs on my shoulders. He sees it. He knows it's there. But he doesn't know why it's there. And to tell him, finally. To actually put a clear picture in his head of why I am not the same person I was. Why there are literally pieces gone inside of me. Pieces I have tried, so hard, to find, but haven't and never will. Pieces that are a little less noticeable when I'm around him. He will know. And he will carry it with him, just like I do. And God, I really wish I could spare him that.

But I can't. I know I can't. I need to tell him. Not only because of the scars left on my body but also the scars left on my soul. He deserves all of me, like I deserve all of him.

And with tears falling down my cheeks, alone in my office, I have never been more sure of anything in my life.

Elliot and I need to use some vacation time.