The Hulk and the Beast: Chapter Seven

December 6, 2013

Honestly, it was a miracle they lasted longer than a month without the press getting wind that the Avengers had accidently on purpose adopted a twelve year old werewolf. The press didn't know about the werewolf part, but it made the whole situation funnier in Tony's eyes.

Pepper, Tony's guardian angel and favorite living thing on the planet, was handling the current media frenzy. They fought the supervillains, she fought the press. In Tony's eyes, she was the very definition of all heroes not wearing capes.

Tony really should have started working on the cover story as soon as possible, but with Steve so insistent that they find some other living arrangements, he put it off. Then after Steve changed his tune, to the relief of everyone in the Tower, Tony continued putting it off because it was less interesting than whatever else he was working on. They had the kid, why worry, right?

"Remus Rogers?" Steve said. For a muscle bound action figure wearing two out of the three primary colors, he sure was good at sneaking up on people.

"I… don't know his last name. I think alliteration is funny."

"Are you trying to pass him off as my kid? You know I was on ice when you're claiming his birthday is. And I was an only child, so I have no living relatives. You could just ask him for his full name."

"I sent Clint over there to ask. He's one of the only members other than Sam that can get the kid to refer to them by first name. I think it's because they're closer to his age. The rest of us are still threatening authority figures. He still calls Nat 'Ms. Widow'."

Steve laughed, "Yeah, it's been hard to get used to being called Captain Rogers all the time."

"I asked him if it would kill him to call me Tony and he looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes of his and said 'Yeah, probably'. We'll get there someday."

"Which of us is allowed to adopt?"

"Sam can't, he's seventeen. Did you know that, by the way? I thought he was older."

"I… didn't actually. It makes more sense as to why he lives with his mom. I assumed it was rent. He's a valuable member of the team, regardless."

"Oh, of course," Tony nodded. "Thor's an illegal alien, literally. Nat and Clint technically don't exist because SHIELD is a spooky spy organization. Actually, I think Nat has been declared legally dead ten times already. That leaves you, me, and the Hulk. That sounds like the start of a very funny joke or a very bad rom-com."

"Tony, focus," Steve said.

"Right, right. It could get messy if it's more than two of us. Hulk wants to me to say his legal guardian is Bruce Banner, but that's a pickle and a half. That's why his placeholder middle name right now is Robert. Figured the Hulk deserved something."

"Remus Robert Rogers?" Steve laughed. "That's horrible."

"Remus Stark doesn't flow off the tongue as easily, sadly. I tried Remus Edward Anthony Rogers, but I'm not sure how he'd take his initials being Rear. How does Tony Stark, Jr. sound?"

"You're insufferable."

"Thank you."

Clint didn't talk to Remus alone that much. He'd never been in Remus' room, like the others would sometimes, to talk to him. He did take the kid on walks with his dog, whose name he still couldn't pronounce. At least he could pronounce Shawarma. Tony still said Shwarma, like some kind of idiot genius.

Remus closed his door more often these days. He also flinched a lot less and talked a lot more. Watching him recover, grow into himself, was a wonder to behold. The kid was funny, too. He had that famous dry British sarcasm, but if Clint told him that Remus would vehemently remind him, "I'm Welsh, than you very much."

He was currently on the balcony, teaching Gwyllgi new tricks. He was focusing more heavily on hand signals than spoken commands, since she was having difficulty learning the same command in several languages. The kid enthusiastically absorbed knowledge like a dry sponge.

"How goes the training, my young padawan?" Clint asked.

"Good. Watch this," Remus put his hand in his pocket. Gwyllgi looked up at him expectantly. He spun around, pulled his hand out, and said, "BANG!"

Gwyllgi dramatically jumped up in the air and wiggled onto her back, where she lay, all four paws in the air, completely still except for her tail wagging wildly.

"Ci da, Gwyllgi!" Remus laughed. "I tried getting her to stop wagging her tail, but she's too excited."

"That's adorable," Clint snorted. "Maybe she'll grow out of it. Speaking of growing, are you taller?"

"Yeah, I grew two inches since I got here," Remus shrugged. "I'm now 5'2! It's my first growth spurt. I didn't even notice really. My legs hurt, but I'm used to things aching, so it's not that bad."

"It was cool and then you made it sad."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

"Sorry."

"You're hopeless," Clint shook his head. "Anyway, I'm on a special mission and I need your help."

Remus fidgeted nervously, "Is this a real mission, or was that a joke?"

"It was a joke," Clint sighed. "Tony wants to know your full name. The press found out about you and he needs to get everything legal. SHIELD won't do anything with you, Fury would stop anyone who tried. But that doesn't mean the military won't try anything. Also, with you being British…"

"I'm Welsh!" Remus snapped.

"Welsh, right, same thing…"

"It's not!"

"We also don't want the British Secret Services trying to nab you."

"Oh. Uh… you'll think it's dumb."

"I think a lot of things are dumb. I'm a dumb kinda guy."

Remus whispered something very quietly. Clint hoped it was something he could pronounce. Or something hilarious, like Snodgrass or Clapsaddle.

"I… uh… I'm a bit deaf in both ears, could you repeat that?" He didn't like turning up his hearing aids if he didn't have to. He usually had to when talking to Remus. The kid was so damn quiet, but Clint didn't blame him. Remus acted like if he raised his voice, someone would slap him. The last thing he needed was for someone to nag him for talking too quietly. He was a bundle of nerves, this one.

"Lupin," Remus repeated at normal volume. "Remus Lupin."

Clint tried really hard not to laugh, "Oh… I thought it would be some Welsh word that's hard to pronounce. So I take it werewolves run in the family?" He could ask that, right? Remus had been more comfortable since he learned he no longer had to transform during the full moon.

"No, it's a coincidence sort of," Remus said sheepishly. "I think we were werewolf hunters, actually."

"Ouch, that sucks. Doesn't explain why your first name is Remus."

"My full name is actually Remus John Lyall Howell Lupin," Remus said. "Given name, Paternal Grandfather's name, Dad's name, Mam's maiden name, and then surname. Most of my official documents just say Remus John Lupin."

"I'm not laughing," Clint said, laughing.

"It's alright, it's funny. It's only sort of a coincidence because the culture my Dad's from has this thing called Name Seers. Mam thought it was cool. She thought it was less cool after I got bit, but by then it was too late to start calling me John. The kids at school called me Loony Loopy Lupin. Loony Loopy for short."

"You can't catch a break. Kids are mean. See, that's why I dropped out of school in fifth grade," Clint said. "Also, when someone annoys me, I turn my hearing aids off."

"I can hear too much," Remus said sadly. "It hurts sometimes. I like it all the way up here in the Tower, harder to hear the city below."

"We can get Tony to make you some special noise canceling earbuds. He's working on your paperwork, though, so we'd better not distract him. He'll do anything to avoid paper work. Especially help one of us."

"Can I help with the papers? I mean, if they are my papers…"

"Yeah, come on, he's in the meeting room."

Steve and Tony fell into a quiet rhythm, trying to find ways to integrate Remus into society without overwhelming him or causing any legal problems.

"I am, by the way," Steve was uncharacteristically subdued.

"You are what?" Tony asked.

"You know," Steve was actually turning pink, which freaked Tony out. "A friend of Dorothy's."

"Okay, I mean… I… oh… wait… oh shit," Tony almost choked on his coffee. "Oh shit, I didn't mean to make fun of you, Cap."

"Yes, you did," Steve was smiling now. "That's all you do. I know you meant it in good spirit. Just, you said we hadn't finished unpacking. I know that was joke, but you were right. There were a lot of us, friends of Dorothy, in the military. Almost all the women were. There was an attempt to get them out, but there were too many. Not enough straight woman to run a skeleton crew while they replaced all the lesbians."

"That's fantastic," Tony laughed. "Any special someone? I thought you and Aunt Peggy…?"

"Yes, but she was the only one," Steve said. "And I've never… it was a different time, those kinds of things were dangerous. And you know how I like following the rules, even if it's hard. There might have been, but once I was Captain America, it got a lot harder. For starters, I was surrounded by lesbians on the bond tours, which really makes it hard for a guy to find anything, regardless of how they swing."

"That would do it, yeah," Tony chuckled.

"And there was a lot of pressure to be a lot of things I wasn't comfortable being at first," Steve continued. "Being… being gay was a crime. If I got caught doing something like that, it would have been a nightmare. I wasn't Steve Rogers anymore, I was Captain America," he said that like he was still on stage, asking for war bonds. "I couldn't let Captain America get slapped with a blue discharge.

Now, if it got out, the backlash would be there, but it wouldn't be nearly as bad. And there'd be a lot of support from the kids. It's strange, how far things have come. I never dreamed that it would be decriminalized, let alone deemed constitutional."

"Was Bucky?"

"I don't know," Steve said. "We were brothers not… he was my brother. If he was, he hid it from me. But… I hid it from him, too, so that would only be fair."

"I was just curious," Tony said. "Why tell me?"

"You're my friend," Steve said. "Probably the best friend I've ever had. I'd… I like that you know. I'm not ready for anyone else to know."

"I'm honored," Tony said. Steve could tell he meant it. "I am too. Friend of Dorothy. Bisexual. There's all these fun new names now. We've even got flags and merchandise. You like flags."

Steve laughed.

"I don't actively try to hide it," Tony continued. "But I haven't been open about it, either."

"Have you ever…?"

"Yeah, a few times. It's easier to pick up bikini models, but if I catch some hunk's eye, I don't say no. I probably should say no more often, regardless of who the partner is. It's difficult when I'm drunk."

"You shouldn't drink as much."

"I drink way more coffee since becoming Iron Man," Tony laughed. "My wild clubbing days are far behind me now. I mean, look at this, daddy's first illegal interdimensional adoption!"

Steve laughed again.

"Hey, Tony, Cap, the kid wants to help," Clint pushed the door open.

Steve knew they were coming, he could hear the footsteps. He was startled that they stopped to come it, he thought they would walk past.

"Tony, you're gonna get a kick out of the kid's name."

"It's funny, apparently," Remus said. "Remus John Lyall Howell Lupin."

"Where'd the John come from?" Tony asked, trying his best no to smirk and failing miserably.

"Grandpa," Remus said. "I never met him. I think he's dead or he thinks I'm dead, not sure which. He was a renown werewolf hunter, so I'd rather not find out. Or go to his house. He kept the pelts."

All three adults swallowed the looks of horror on their faces when Remus said that. How could he be so casual about keeping what was essentially another person's skin after you killed them? The three of them exchanged a look. All plans Tony had of trying to find a way for Remus to go home were now officially off the table. Christ.

"What's with the Robert Rogers?" Remus said, like he hadn't just dropped that bombshell on them.

"Placeholders. I find alliteration funny, but you've already got a ridiculous name," Tony tried desperately to lighten the mood.

"You can keep the Robert, if you want," Remus said. "Honestly, you can keep the whole thing."

"Kids at school called him, what was it?"

"There's no way you forgot, you prat," Remus elbowed him.

It was so refreshing to see Remus acting like a kid. As soon as he was certain his position with them wasn't precarious, it was like he was an entirely new person.

"I'd feel bad if I said it," Clint said.

Remus groaned, "Loony Loopy Lupin."

Steve's scandalized look made the entire thing worth it. He was gapping like a fish out of water, that anyone would dare call such a wonderful little boy such a mean name. As though that was the most of Remus' home world's many crimes against him. It was best to pretend it was.

"My friends actually started it. Not on purpose. They called me Loopy as a nickname, they didn't mean anything by it, just shortened my name, sort of. Some bullies heard it. At one point Poopy was floating around but James…" Remus suddenly stopped entirely. The look of pain on his face was immeasurable. For a second, Tony thought he'd been poisoned. "I miss them so much," Remus choked.

Steve looked like he'd been punched in the gut. Bucky's given name was James, Tony recalled dully. He probably shouldn't bring Bucky up so much.

"I'm fine," Remus swallowed, but his entire body was shaking with the effort to keep his emotion under control. "I just… what's the plan, so far? I don't think we can get away with saying I'm Sam's cousin, even if Mrs. Wilson is really nice and would definitely allow it. I don't want to ask them to make that open of a connection to the Avengers."

If anyone went digging, and Tony suspected someone would, they'd find that Remus was his nephew. He started with Remus' mother, Hope Lupin née Howell and worked his way out from there. Since Tony was adopted – he didn't consider it any more relevant than a biological birth, Howard and Maria Stark were his parents – he had the nice little ability to fake a biological family.

He made Hope his biological sister. Their parents died in a fire and they were sent to different orphanages. Howard found Tony in his and Hope aged out of hers. Of course, the math didn't add up, since Tony had been four when he was adopted and he was eight years older than Hope, but all he had to do was fudge the dates. He was doing that anyway.

After that, it was as simple as make Lyall Lupin an only child with elderly parents who passed of natural causes a few years ago and bam, he was Remus only living relative.

The official press release would be Tony found a long lost relative and when anyone asked for specifics, he'd just say he was curious about what happened to the baby he barely remembered, and found poor little Remus, all alone in the Welsh foster system. Remus was bright as a tack and a delight to talk to, so instead of simply sponsoring his nephew, he decided to adopt him as his ward and bring him to New York.

At the moment, the only proof any of these fabricated people were real were their birth and death certificates. Lyall and Hope died in a home invasion gone wrong six months ago. Lyall's parents died of a stroke and breast cancer. Their lacking paper trail would be remedied as soon as he finished programming JARVIS to make a longer paper trail for them.

Remus' status as Tony's ward was rock solid. Steve was his godfather and Pepper his godmother. There was no way any government could risk trying to mess with him, lest they piss off the Avengers and Pepper. There was still the danger of HYDRA, but that would always be there.

The only thing left to do was get Remus some placement tests so he could enroll in middle school. They wanted him to start eighth grade next year, but he sort of wanted to go to seventh grade next semester. A change of scenery would be nice. Thus far he'd only been in the Tower, walks in Central Park in view of the tower, and one time Sam brought him to his mom's house so they could make cookies together.

Remus was half way through his math placement when he heard the elevator ding.

"Someone's here," he told Mr. Stark, who was supervising him.

"JARVIS, why didn't you inform me we had a guest?"

"You did not wish young Master Remus to be disturbed."

"Yeah, so don't let anyone in," Mr. Stark grumbled. "Stay here and don't cheat."

"It's a placement exam, that would be silly," Remus said, scribbling away at his scrap paper. "Besides, I'm having too much fun. I haven't gotten to do math since Mam homeschooled me!"

"What kind of school did you go to?"

"Creative arts," Remus grimaced. He hoped it was believable enough.

"That's a travesty. A nerd like you?"

"I like literature!" Remus insisted. "I read all of Chaucer when I was seven!"

"You're adorable. I'll be right back."

Remus focused entirely on the algebra in front of him. Mam was a mathematician turned computer scientist. He felt like she was right beside him, helping him. He was already working on calculus before he went to Hogwarts, but he didn't tell Mr. Stark that.

"JARVIS?"

"Yes, young Master Remus?"

"Has there been any progress on Hilbert's problems since 1970? I remember reading about Matiyasevich's theorem that disproved the tenth one, but it's been another forty years since then."

"Thomas Callister Hales resolved the second half of the 18th problem in 1998 with a computer-assisted proof."

"That's the sphere packing, right?"

"Indeed, sir."

"Cool."

"Excuse me, I just told you not to cheat," Mr. Stark came back. Remus was so distracted by the joys of math that he forgot to eaves drop on Mr. Stark's unexpected guest who probably hacked into the Avenger's penthouse.

"I wasn't cheating!" Remus pouted. "I just wanted to know if there was any progress on Hilbert's problems since 1970."

"Wow, you are a nerd."

"So are you!"

"Were you going to tell me your math was more advanced than seventh grade algebra?"

"I dunno, maybe," Remus shrugged. He didn't look up from his paper, but he could feel the shadowy presence of Mr. Stark's 'Guest'. He definitely broke into the Tower. Mr. Stark wasn't wearing his armor, so Remus figured it was alright. The most negative emotion could smell of either of them was annoyance, probably with each other.

"Have him take Midtown's entrance exam," the guest said. He had a deep and foreboding voice and he smelled like leather, gunpowder, and paranoia. Remus hadn't known paranoia had a smell, or how he managed to identify it, never having smelled it before.

"Midtown's a high school. He's in seventh grade," Tony insisted.

"He's smart enough to skip a few grades."

"So was I," Mr. Stark snapped back. "And it was miserable being in college when I was fourteen. If it hadn't have been for Rhodey, it would have killed me."

"Stark, if anything could kill you, you'd be dead ten times over by now. SHIELD already has agents in Midtown. You like Agent Coulson."

"Who doesn't like Agent Coulson? You'd have to be a monster not to. But that's not the point. I'll let him skip seventh grade, but he's going to middle school."

"I don't think that should be your decision."

"Tough. I'm his legal guardian," Mr. Stark said that last bit all smugly, like he got the coolest ball on the playground.

The man tossed a packet in front of Remus, "I'm sure he'll pass."

"That's really creepy, Eyepatch. You realize how creepy that is? Knowing you, it's probably on purpose."

"I've scheduled the threat assessment for 0900 hours tomorrow," Eyepatch said. "I'm sending Spider-man to make sure he gets there and to keep an eye on him."

Mr. Stark grumbled something incoherent and grabbed the packet from the table, flipping through it, "This is the actual entrance exam. I'm impressed. I thought you'd fudge it."

"If he can't pass that entrance exam, he'd never make it in SHIELD. But if he's got the Avengers backing him up, I'm confident that he's one of the good ones. And I doubt you'd ever go so far forging documents like that unless the kid was as smart as you claim he is."

"Yet you're still trying for the threat assessment."

"That's not just to determine his threat level to SHIELD, but also to SHIELD's enemies. You've all done it. Some of you more than once. He's enhanced and I'm not letting you weasel him out of it."

"Fine, but we're sending Cap with him."

"As long as he's there."

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