Chapter 8: Being Useful

Author's Note: Starting in this chapter I started adding in a bit more with the Watcher. My goal is/was to have some sort of interaction with Maddie's Watcher every 4 chapters. In this chapter it will be a switch in POV rather than him showing up to talk with her. If it seems kind of clunky, let me know! I would love any help on how to improve the story.

When I had finished crying, I gently pushed Bucky away, wiping my face and trying to compose myself once again.

"Are you alright?" Peggy asked quietly, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

I held back the urge to sarcastically say "no" and nodded my head instead. Now that the danger was over and we were all standing, I could feel every scratch and bruise blossoming in pain all over my body. I hissed as I inspected my arms, dabbing fingers at a few bleeding cuts. Immediately Steve and Bucky were asking me if I was okay and if I needed anything.

"We need to take her back, now." Peggy said, clapping her hands together to get the two men to focus.

"Right," Steve nodded. He reached out and picked me up, one arm under my legs and the other behind my back. I yelped and grabbed his shoulders as he hoisted me up and set out in a jog back to headquarters.

"I think I can walk, Steve!" I told him loudly, but he only shook his head in response.

Peggy and Bucky followed behind us, keeping up the best they could. I looked over Steve's shoulder at Bucky, whose steely eyes were glued to me. He looked away when he noticed that I saw him, and my heart sunk just a little. I hoped that he didn't feel bad for what had happened. I didn't blame him, and I realized that perhaps he wasn't worried about me blaming him, but other people. Hopefully he wouldn't get in trouble for it, so as we headed back, I started thinking of excuses I could use to take the brunt of the blame.

We were given strange looks when we finally stumbled back into HQ. Steve carried me through the halls, staring straight ahead, as Peggy moved to walk in front of us, and silence anyone who tried to stop us and ask questions. I thought we would have headed straight to the Med Bay, but Peggy and Steve went back to my room, where he laid me gently on my bed. Peggy then went to the small closet in my room and pulled out a first aid kit and began tending to my worst cuts and scratches.

"What in the good hell happened Carter?" I jumped at the harsh sound of Colonel Phillips's angry voice. The tone startled my already frayed nerves, and I began to tremble so much that Peggy had to put her hand on my arms to get me to calm down.

I had no idea who told Phillips about what happened. Or perhaps he noticed that I had been missing for a few hours and was coming by to check and saw this madness. Either way, his anger was rushing off him and filtering into the room in waves.

"I'm sorry, sir, this is all my fault." All eyes snapped to Steve who stood tall against the far wall of my room. He saluted Phillips and then looked to the ground in guilt. "I suggested we take Maddie out because she's been cooped up here, and considering we're leaving soon-,"

"I don't believe that one bit Rogers." Colonel Phillips interrupted angrily.

"It was my plan." All attention turned to me now as I raised a shaky hand up in the air. "I was mad that you said I couldn't leave because I didn't do any of your tests or whatever. So, I convinced Bucky to find a way to sneak me out." I locked eyes with Phillips and we scrutinized each other closely.

As Peggy finished bandaging me up, she and Steve explained what had happened with me almost being abducted. I remained silent, looking to the floor as I thought about everything that had happened. I felt hollow inside, and the inner voice inside my head was going crazy with telling me what I was doing was wrong, that I was worthless and a problem. Through the worst of the dark storm in my mind I felt someone sit next to me and lean into me, so our shoulders were touching. I looked up and saw Bucky staring intently at me once more.

His eyes were like bright lights piercing the darkness in my mind. It was as if he could read what was happening in my head, and his silent stare was telling me to stop, that everything was okay. Tears filled my eyes as we looked at each other, and I took a deep breath to steady my nerves and quiet the voice in my head. The sinking feeling of my depression still remained, but I felt a little calmer, and I couldn't help but rest my head on Bucky's shoulder. For a moment he tensed up, but then relaxed, and I saw a hint of a smile on Steve's face.

"It was a Hydra spy who orchestrated it all." Peggy concluded and Phillips looked like he was about to burst in a new angry tirade.

"It was Barnard," I spoke up with a sigh.

"Who is that?" Phillips asked.

"He was one of the Hydra soldiers that found me when I came out of that clearing." I told him. "Barnard and his brother Conrad."

"Do we need to worry about both Barnard and Conrad?" Steve put in, looking a little worried, but I shook my head.

"No, Barnard killed Conrad after he helped me escape when you came to the factory."

The room fell silent. Looking at their faces, I could tell that Steve and Peggy probably recalled the story they might have heard from Dugan. Tears still stung my eyes, but they didn't threaten to fall. Though I knew I still had tears left to cry, I had lost all energy to do so. Thinking about Barnard, I recalled how he had been able to keep up with Steve in their fist fight over me. With Steve being who he was, enhanced and all, should Barnard have been able to do that? I kept it to myself, too tired to explain it. Hopefully someone else had noticed and would tell the Colonel later.

"All right, Sergeant Barnes, head out." Phillips broke the silence, and I lifted my head off Bucky's shoulder.

Bucky stood up hesitantly, like he didn't want to leave. He gave me one last look before nodded to the Colonel and leaving the room. Phillips then commanded Peggy to follow him, and Steve was the only one left in the room with me. He stood awkwardly by the door as I laid back on my bed and stared blankly up at the ceiling. He cleared his throat and looked down at me.

"I'll head out." He nodded his head toward the door.

"Please, don't go yet." I reached my hand out to him and he stopped mid step and turned to me.

I don't know what Steve saw on my face, but I know that I felt desperately afraid at the thought of being alone. I had been so sure that I was going to be taken back to Hydra as Barnard's prisoner, and the fear of him suddenly popping up again raged through me. My mind even imagined Zola or Schmidt hiding in corners or waiting in the shadows, intent on taking me away.

The door to my room remained open, looking out into the corridor beyond as Steve took the chair Peggy had been sitting in. He arranged it to sit by my bed and then took my hand. The move surprised me, but the warmth and strength of his hold helped to soothe the worst of my anxiety. It was quickly replaced by the numbing depression that hollowed out inside me, but I didn't care. I stared at our hands, marveling at the differences in sizes.

My right hand was naturally smaller due to the surgery that made it different. It seemed so much smaller to Steve's hand, it almost looked sad, but I didn't care. The small motion of kindness made me feel better, and it was awfully nice for Steve to stay and hold my hand. I let the warmth grow as my eyelids became heavier, and soon closed on my tired eyes.

XXXX

From the observations of The Watcher

Captain Steve Rogers stays until he hears the rhythmic sound of sleep coming from Maddie. He looks down at her, still holding her delicate hand as gently as he can. A sort of kinship sparks between him as his mind circles around the thoughts that this was what it must feel like to have a younger sibling.

He waits a little longer before gently placing Maddie's hand on the bed next to her. She stirs for a moment, and he waits. If she wakes up, he will resume his place and take back the hand. Instead, the young woman shifts on her bed and falls deeper into sleep.

Captain Rogers smiles softly down at her, feeling sorry for all the things she has had to go through in such a short amount of time. (I must note that I had not intended for some of these things to happen, but curiously they did.) He also feels sorry because soon he and his command will be leaving, in a matter of hours in fact. Rogers would lead his team back to mainland Europe to continue the fight against Schmidt and Hydra. He wondered if Maddie would be lonely, stuck in the facility doing nothing. He hoped that she would find her place amongst the strangeness of the facility.

Steve Rogers makes up his mind to leave a note for Maddie with Agent Carter before leaving soon. He would try to be encouraging, and hopefully help Maddie to find something to do for the cause. With his plan cemented in his mind, Captain Rogers leave the room, gently closing the door behind him, and nodding at the soldier left to watch over the corridor.

Elsewhere in the facility, Sergeant James Barnes battles with himself. Feelings of guilt and shame wrack his mind as he tries to get to sleep. He rolls in his cot in the soldier barracks, and ends up staring at the ceiling, reflecting on the events of the evening.

It had been an innocent enough plan: get Maddie out of the facility for a chance at fresh air and some frivolity before he and the others left on their mission. He had wanted to give her a chance to smile, as he had often seen the smile as he played cards with her in the facility. Though, it seemed that there was something else. Every time he had said something, or even did something, nice for her, Maddie would blush furiously. She had a face that could easily redden, and it made Bucky smile.

He wondered if he was building feelings for the mysterious girl, who he had seen tortured along with him at the hands of Arnim Zola. He recalls her mentioning the question about seeing colors as they were tortured and questioned, and at the time he didn't admit that he did. If he had, he would have told her that he saw one color, a fiercely bright blue that seemed to envelope him when she attacked Johann Schmidt. The color puffed away as soon as Barnard tackled Maddie to the ground, but he had seen it. Laying on the table back then, he had been sure he hallucinated the color, but what if he hadn't? Curious…

Sergeant Barnes worries that because of his plan that had nearly given her over to Hydra, Maddie would be distant and resentful towards him. He remembers the strange, haunted look on her face in her room when they returned. He thinks that he could see her spiraling into some dark place as she blamed and accused herself of doing wrong. That was why he had sat down so close to her on the bed, so she would know that she had not done wrong. When they had locked eyes, Bucky knew that he had not seen any anger or mistrust in her gaze. No, he had seen love and care coming from the dazzling green of her eyes.

Sergeant Barnes feels his face heat up in the darkness of his quarters. He chews his bottom lip and wonders why thinking of that moment had sparked a blush to claim his face. He had been thinking of her green eyes, and then the way she had laid her head against his shoulder. Sleep itches at the corners of his own eyes, and he wonders if should leave a note for her for the next day. A note of promise and goodbye.

It is curious how different the feelings have bloomed within Barnes and Rogers. The one I was sure the Captain would be lost in thoughts of love, and Maddie too towards the Captain. Instead, it is this soldier who is confused and the one who makes Maddie red. The Captain, however, is protective in a familial way, and she seems to feel that too. My plan to rescue Maddie from the darkness in her life is working in mysterious ways, and I look forward to how it will continue to unfold.

XXXX

"These are for you, my dear." Peggy handed me two envelopes with my name on them.

We were sitting in my room eating a simple breakfast of open-faced sandwiches. I had woken up a little earlier to an empty room, though it hadn't sacred me like I thought it would have. The night had passed rather peacefully, and it was probably thanks to Steve for staying behind a little while longer. I was content, though I still felt the hollow emptiness of depression inside me, though it was less than how I had felt the night before.

For now, I felt a little out of it, like I was watching myself out of body. However, the world around me didn't seem so gray as it usually did when I felt like this. I took the envelopes from Peggy and set the second one aside as I opened the first. I took out a small card and found a note from Steve.

"Maddie," I read aloud. "Don't let Colonel Phillips get you down; he means well. There is more to you than you know, your bravery from last night proves it. We'll be thinking of you, Steve."

I looked to Peggy who smiled back and nodded along with the note. She probably agreed with what Steve had said, and I placed the note aside to look at the second one. The message was shorter than the previous one, but I saw that it was from Bucky.

"Maddie," This time I whispered the message, though I didn't know why. "I'm sorry about last night, but I won't let it happen again. Bucky."

Bucky's note was a little more cryptic, but I felt that I understood what he was saying. He was going to use his mission to protect me on the battle front, and not just him, but Steve too. It felt like Steve's note had been brotherly, but I couldn't really decide what Bucky's note felt like to me. The ideas of it made my head spin as I set the note down on the table and stared at my hands. Peggy remained silent beside me, not commenting, though I'm sure she heard what Bucky's note said.

"We really do care about you," She said finally, as if to add emphasis to the notes. I smiled and nodded my thanks to her before slipping back into my thoughts.

Steve and Bucky's notes had spurred something inside of me that made it past the numbing depression I was feeling. Last night had made me realize that Schmidt really was out to get me back in Hydra's clutches. I didn't want to sit scared inside while everyone fought the war, fearing the next attempt to capture me. Steve and Bucky believed that I could be and do more, and I believed it since I had held my own against Barnard. Perhaps I could use my time here in Headquarters to be productive and build on my abilities.

"Could I talk to Colonel Phillips?" I turned suddenly to Peggy and asked, making her twitch.

"I could arrange a meeting for you," She said uncertainly. "Why?"

"Because I'm not going to sit here and be useless." We smiled at each other, and I could tell that Peggy was happy to see a change happening in my mood.

Peggy was aware of my struggle with anxiety and depression, though I don't know if she truly understood it. I knew that at this time mental health was a bit of a taboo subject. No one openly talked about it, and most people were institutionalized if the case was severe enough. I didn't go into great details about it, but I could sense that she knew I was in some sort of deep depression and was making my way out of it. She easily arranged for me to talk to Colonel Phillips after one of his many briefings.

We waited in his office a few hours later and he came in with a huff, and quickly sat down at his desk.

"What's this about then?" He asked, leaning back in his chair.

"Colonel Phillips, I'm okay with not leaving headquarters, but I'm not okay with sitting and doing nothing." I told him firmly.

"Well, you won't take our tests or do what we ask you." Phillips countered, as if he could persuade me to do them again.

"Yeah, still not going to do those," I held back a smile as he rolled his eyes at me. "But I can do something else. Back home I was going to school and studying writing and literature. I worked in an office and did some organization work. I can copy notes and am a fast typist." I paused on that thought, remembering that I was good at typing on a modern computer, not a typewriter. I'd deal with that later.

"So, you want a job?" Phillips asked incredulously.

"It's either that or I get bored and try to go outside again." I reasoned and he closed his eyes and sighed.

Fine, go talk to Stark. Maybe he needs an assistant." Colonel Phillips waved his hand, signaling me to leave.

"Thank you, sir!" I jumped out of my chair and waved goodbye to Peggy, intent on finding Howard as soon as I could to ask him.

XXXX

Howard Stark was more than happy to have me on as his assistant. He came up with a brilliant idea to get me to train along with doing my assistant-type duties. I knew that this was in hopes of giving me some purpose to help in the war effort, and in part to test out some of his new gadgets. (I also wondered if Phillips had hoped this would happen.) Together we built a sort of schedule that easily divided a training regimen with work tasks.

I appreciated the idea, since that would give me some structure to the house-arrest I was in. When I had more of a structured routine, I felt that my depression and anxiety was easier to control. It would keep me focused on something other than my own thoughts and imperfections.

The next day we started off with a training program that included the basic boot camp routines: running, strength training, and various drills. Afterwards, I did targeted training to practice my strange new marksmanship skills I had developed since being in this world. I had suddenly taken a dislike for guns, so I only used knives and daggers.

"I think we need to have you train with a variety of weapons, Maddie." Howard said as I came back down the range with my set of knives.

I glanced down at my left hand, remembering the tingle of the pistol after I had shot it, and how the recoil thrummed up my arm. I also had recurring dreams of shooting Barnard, or just replaying the shot frame by frame. It made me shiver and I shook my head fiercely.

"No, I don't want to shoot anymore guns." I told him.

"You know, the man you shot was trying to kidnap you." Howard said, emphasizing the word "kidnap."

I grimaced at the recollection and shook my head again. "I won't, Howard." I gave him a look that hopefully conveyed my true feelings on the whole idea.

We had lunch and I cleaned up before my work shift started. I filed a few things, took notes for him, and ran various errands around the facility. It was almost normal, and it was exactly what I needed right then. It also helped that Howard didn't treat me like a burden, as Colonel Phillips did sometimes. Though it was nice to have the Colonel off my back now that I was back doing some observational training (and yes, I knew Howard suggested it to get me to do little tests).

I slipped into an easy routine after that. Life at headquarters became somewhat normal, and I started to enjoy myself. I felt useful for the first time in a long time, and even helped contribute to improvements to various projects and assignments. I loved the simple clerical work too, but I couldn't help but also enjoy the training exercises/tests.

I had never felt better. I felt fit and healthy, though my asthma persisted in different situations. I again cursed this Watcher, wondering why he couldn't have given me a break from it while I was here. Despite that, I started to notice other things that seemed different to me as I trained.

The blue strings I had been seeing when I aimed began to do different things in my eyes. I could see them almost all the time if I focused my vision strongly. They became a sort of warning system as well, almost like Spider-Man's spidey-sense. I also noticed that at times the blue strings weren't always strings, but like a fine mist I could barely see, but was always aware of. My mind was drawn back to the blue color I had seen while Zola tortured me. It had been the same shade of blue, and always was by me. Did that mean that that color belonged to me, and the other colors I saw belonged to other people? I had no idea, but whatever it was, I steadily improved it throughout each session.

This went on for about two weeks and I felt settled in this new reality. Being Howard's assistant and observation subject gave me clearance to different areas of the facility, and soon there wasn't a part of the place that was restricted to me. I attended briefings, but only as an observer to take notes for Howard, not as a participant in the discussion. I wasn't too bothered by it, because if I had something to say, I would just jot it down and tell Howard later.

One day I was lounging in Howard's lab as he tinkered with some invention of his. I sat in a chair, fine-tuning some notes I had taken earlier. When Howard would mutter something offhandedly to himself, I would find a different paper and write it down, just in case it was something that could be useful for him later.

The door burst open, and Peggy came rushing in. Howard and I both started in our respected places in the lab. We jumped to our feet when we saw Peggy's paled face. At first, she said nothing, and her face held a serious expression. A sinking feeling began to descend on me as I felt that bad news was coming our way.

"Steve and his command have been captured." Peggy said, and my body went instantly numb.