Hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year - Enjoy! :)
Just over a half bottle of Dom Pérignon in and Jo couldn't stop giggling at everything Kate said. So much for slowing down but then, it wasn't like this moment was ever going to come around again so they were both making the most of it.
Jo felt like a teenager, enjoying herself so much she was so at ease, feeling so relaxed and she knew it was because she was with Kate. There was no need for pretence, no need to be on guard. No need to be one step ahead of the conversation in case she let something slip. There was no reason to hide because Kate knew her, didn't she? She knew all of Jo's past and all of her secrets and Jo couldn't remember a time where she wasn't hiding something from someone, so this evening was proving to be quite a revelation. It was definitely one of the best nights of Jo's life and she really didn't want it to end. She liked not pretending, and she loathed the idea of having to go back to it. She pushed the thought out of her head and just revelled in the feeling of not being tense, her shoulders as relaxed as they had ever been.
Kate picked up the bottle and moved to fill Jo's glass but Jo covered it with her hand, shaking her head and Kate actually pouted, a little. "I can't," Jo chuckled. "Not unless you want me legless within the next twenty minutes."
Kate was still holding the bottle tipped toward Jo's glass as an eyebrow began to creep slowly up her brow in consideration.
Jo laughed again and Kate joined her, putting the bottle back in the bucket. "You're right," Kate said with a teasing smile. "Can't have too much fun at these work things, people will talk."
Jo nodded. "Fun within the MET. Scandalous."
Kate thought back, for a moment. "I don't know," she pondered, a certain fondness in her eyes. "We had some good nights out as I recall."
Jo reached for her glass of water and brought it to her lips. Every night out with Kate was a great night out, in her opinion. They had got her through a lot back then. Took her mind of a lot, too. They were the only thing she looked forward to actually, during that last year. "I think we were the exception rather than the rule," she mused thoughtfully, her voice quiet and scratchy before she took a long sip.
Kate nodded, fully in agreement. Nights out with Steve paled in comparison back then. She stood him up on a number of occasions so she could grab a drink with Jo and she didn't regret it, even after everything. She enjoyed those times with Jo and whenever she looked back on them all she ever felt nowadays was happiness and warmth.
Jo though found it was almost automatic to sensor herself, it pretty much being her default setting these days but she had always been hiding, ever since she could remember. Curbing her feelings and suppressing her desires was the norm. Of course she was attracted to Kate, from the first moment she saw her and working with her only deepened those feelings but amongst other things, back then Jo was her boss. Not that she hadn't slept with her subordinates before (Jo was very aware of those complications) but Kate was former AC-12 and even Jo knew an anti-corruption officer wasn't the most ideal person to seduce, former or not.
So she was very used to being careful around Kate. To be friendly with her but not too much. Let her in maybe but not too much. Flirt with her even, but definitely not too much and if the lines ever blurred then pull away completely. She'd done that a good few times when they worked together but now there was no reason to, not really. No reason not to flirt and no reason not to let on that there were residual feelings, the kind that sort of never went away. Surely Kate knew, anyway, that Jo had been attracted to her, that she'd felt something. All Jo had to do was stop holding back.
Kate really appreciated the sentiment. Truly. She felt exactly the same, they were the exception. Kate hadn't felt that sort of connection with anyone she'd worked with before or since. One of those mutual, respectful, admiration type things that occur between women in high pressure work environments oftentimes surrounded by men. Patronising, chauvinistic men, usually. There had been something between them even from the very beginning, Kate had felt it and she was more than pleased Jo did, too.
Obviously Kate also fancied the ass off her as well but, that was beside the point.
Honestly Kate missed her, and perhaps how much was only just hitting her as she sat there, gazing at Jo fondly in this low light, in this fancy restaurant in the middle of nowhere. She swallowed hard as she felt it take root and grow a little, those feelings that she'd since buried. It didn't matter what had happened since it didn't quell her need to feel that kind of connection again.
As time passed it was easier to remember more of the little things like the endless conversations, the briefings, the overtime and of course the evenings outside of work. All the banter and the laughing, the way they were on the same wavelength and could finish each other's sentences. It was a partnership, almost and Kate looked up to Jo, learned from her and wanted to please her. Getting a smile and a 'well done' from Jo back then was enough to make Kate feel good for a month and to be fair, it was a good couple of years before Kate could admit to herself what all that really meant. Jo had affected her in so many ways and really she'd only known her for what... a little over two years... and then she was just - gone.
By the time Kate got over how it all ended or, well, confronted it and attempted to 'process' everything that happened it was painfully obvious why it all mattered so much. Why she was so affected by Jo and why now she couldn't bring herself to leave MIT. She'd spent half a day back in anti-corruption before she was applying for the permanent DCI role at MIT. She hadn't wanted to leave. She'd wanted to make Jo proud.
When she thought about it in hindsight Kate thought it was obvious, really, and wished she had been less oblivious. She'd always liked women as well as men, that wasn't the issue she just didn't realise how much she was into Jo, in that way. There had only been Mark and Richard for years so perhaps she'd forgotten how to read the signs. Forgotten what actual attraction felt like, maybe.
Regardless, there was an undeniable something and there was flirting, lots of it but it's not like Kate ever had a lot of female friends. She thought it was the norm and as Jo never did anything about it how was Kate supposed to know her professional admiration was actually a raging lesbian crush? Jo had shut her down anyway when she'd asked about her relationship with Farida. Said she 'wasn't like that' so really that was that, and of course after that night it was the beginning of the end.
A shoot-out, a car chase, getting arrested, Jo's interrogation and incarceration, the attempt on Jo's life and then she was in witness protection. It was much too late once Kate accepted these revelations a year after Jo was taken away. She could hardly pick up the phone and talk to her about it - she was gone, and Kate just had to deal with it.
"Kate?"
Kate blinked. "Hmm?"
Jo was looking at her with concerned eyes. An adorable furrow between her eyes. "Have you heard a word I've said?"
Kate had no idea how long she'd been gone for and was at a complete loss for something to say. "Umm..."
"Okay," Jo smiled, "no more drinks for you until after the food." She leaned forwards and slid Kate's untouched glass of water closer to her. "Drink that."
The care in Jo's voice was endearing and Kate felt her heart quicken a little. It was building, Kate could tell, the things she'd boxed away but being in Jo's presence was making it resurface, passing moment by passing moment. Kate knew she was going to tell her, at some point this evening how confused she was back then. How she didn't understand her own feelings and how angry she'd been at herself for being so cold to Jo during that last meeting. How their last conversation was the exact opposite of how it should've been. Kate was angry at everyone during that time but not at Jo, and she needed to make sure she knew that. It was important, Kate knew, but it was hard.
"You were miles away," Jo continued, still with concern as she watched Kate's near empty glass connect back with the table. "What were you thinking about?" she asked as her eyes flicked up, curious and cautious.
Kate swallowed.
You.
Us.
Kate felt herself tremble. That I think I was falling for you.
Kate's heartbeat was heavy, her breathing raggedy as her fingers clench around the cool glass still in her hand. Her gaze fixed on the water left in it, how still it was compared to the storm forming within her.
And maybe I never stopped.
Kate felt panicked, then, like finally being confronted with this situation with feelings was something she was completely unprepared for, even though she'd imagined it many, many times. Her eyes widened and she froze, a feeling of inevitability about to crash down on her. Jo was looking at her with a question in her eyes and Kate's throat felt suddenly, inexplicitly dry. She took in a breath and licked her lips, her chest packed full with the weight of the moment -
"Caesar salad?" the waiter asked, out of nowhere and suddenly beside their table with a meal in each hand.
Jo looked at him. "Oo that's me, thank you," she smiled, all politeness and good graces.
Kate hated him.
She forced a smile as he put her food down in front of her, dismissing him with such a level ten glass box interrogation glare that he hightailed it as quickly as he appeared. She took in a few breaths to steady herself, the storm inside needing to dissipate and just as the waiter departed, so did the moment. Kate grabbed her wine and downed a few sips, her attention totally taken by Jo who seemed enamoured with and was now tucking happily into her expensive plate of grass. Kate couldn't help the smile that formed and she shook her head a few times, her chest now at least a little calmer.
Jo was grinning around her mouthful and must've sensed Kate watching her. "Don't," she instructed as she continued looking at her salad, her fork held a little in the air though as she anticipated the impending sarcastic comment.
"I didn't say anything," Kate smirked innocently, her heart rate trying to return to something near normal.
"Good. Keep it that way."
Kate laughed.
"Besides, I want to know all about this training," Jo started, leading the conversation away from an obviously charged moment. She felt like Kate was about to say something just then and honestly it made her a little nervous. She both did and didn't wanted to hear it, unsure of what may come along with it. Their confessions would just have to wait, for now. Perhaps after more wine. "What skills has DCI Fleming mastered now?"
Jo was smiling when she asked it, her eyes going small and those cute little wrinkles forming at the sides that Kate always enjoyed seeing whenever they shared a bottle of wine together. She was beautiful really, wasn't she? Always had been.
Kate had to push it back down. It wasn't the best thing to blurt out over the main course she supposed. So she picked up her fork and took in a deep breath, tucking into her pasta as she launched into the latest on the METs newest combat training programme.
The finer points of combat training weren't to Jo's taste, she was perfectly happy to admit. There was a reason she wasn't the firearms trained type, after all. Jo much preferred the leading and commanding side to being knee deep in the thick of it, chasing suspects with an assault rifle across the city for example. Not that she didn't find such heroics highly attractive - especially when carried out by female DI's with short dark hair and sexy blue eyes.
Actually only when carried out by female DI's called Kate Fleming, but that wasn't the point.
Jo definitely remembered the kick she got when she read all about such an escapade in Kate's file and so she wasn't in the slightest bit surprised that Kate had spent the week taking down men twice her size. Honestly it had always been a big turn on for Jo how hands on Kate liked to be. She was always very impressed by it.
Turned out she still was.
"You fractured his jaw?" Jo asked rather incredulously. "Didn't you say he was six foot?" she picked up her wine glass and leaned back in her chair. "How did you even reach?"
"Oi!" Kate's jaw dropped open, a little. "We're not all as short as you, thank you very much and anyway, I was going for his chest as instructed. It's not my fault he leaned forwards before he was supposed to."
Jo laughed as she imagined some brick house of a man collapsing in front of Kate as she cold cocked him. "Of course it wasn't."
"It wasn't," Kate repeated. "Besides he should've seen the butt of my gun coming at him. Says a lot about his reaction speed if you ask me."
"Obviously," Jo nodded along sarcastically. She was really enjoying Kate's perturbed face. "Was he unconscious?"
"Mildly," and then Kate grinned. "You know what men are like. More embarrassed that I'd flattened him."
Jo did indeed know all about that. "I bet. Although he should've known better than to let his guard down around Kate Fleming."
Kate laughed. "Too right!" and then she smirked rather widely. "Though not everyone knows how dirty I can play."
She had no idea where that came from.
Kate felt her face heat up as Jo averted her gaze, looking away quickly although she was still smiling so Kate took that as a win. After a moment Jo even looked back at her with a knowing sly grin and Kate had to clear her throat, grabbing at her wine glass and taking down a few hurried mouthfuls.
"So err, well," Kate said around a swallow, "you've definitely caught up on everything with me." Her voice was a little high and an errant hand ran over her hair to grip it tightly at the back of her head, for a second. She decided to take the focus of the conversation away from herself. "Your turn, boss," she said before she could stop it, the term slipping from her lips out of habit, pretty much like she'd never stopped. She paused as her eyes screwed shut, hoping that maybe Jo hadn't heard.
She had.
Jo didn't seem to mind, her smile not faltering one bit. If anything it grew wider, the familiarity of the term only seeming to reinforce what was between them. It was comforting and flattering after all this time, a throwback to their dynamic that was never far from Jo's thoughts. Plus she always used to get a thrill whenever Kate called her that.
Still did.
More than anything though Jo was enjoying Kate's squirming. "Old habits really do die hard, don't they?" she said softly, the lilt in her voice definitely getting more melodic as the evening went on.
"Mmm," Kate murmured, her elbows leaning on the table as she became a little wistful. "Especially three bottles of wine in," she offered, tilting her head and regarding Jo openly. Perhaps finally feeling the effects of the wine and letting herself just go with it. "You'll always be the boss to me... boss," she admitted, closing her eyes again as the words were quick to stir those feelings back up in her chest. Then she tried to backtrack, however. "You know like the gaffer will always be the gaffer." She shook her head. "You'll always be..."
Kate opened her eyes to find Jo gazing at her, her lips slightly parted and her expression sincere, slowly nodding her head like she was accepting and appreciative of the sentiment, even though Kate hadn't quite finished it. Jo knew what she meant though, just as Kate would be the only DI that had left such an impact on her, too.
Kate grinned at herself. "You know what I mean," she tried to recover, feeling awkward and a bit emotional all at once. It didn't help that she didn't know how to put it into words, either, what she was feeling. Like the vocabulary just wasn't there. "When someone has that much of an impact, you don't just... you know. Especially when..." and then she trailed off frustrated, her eyes finding the table.
"They disappear into witness protection?" Jo finished for her, knowing exactly what she meant. Obviously they could still finish each other's sentences, as well.
"Exactly." Kate responded after a beat, her heart beginning to thud against her chest again, her voice reducing to just above a whisper. "You never forget the people who matter."
Jo was struck, then, and it felt like her heart was somewhere in her gut. She honestly didn't know she'd meant anything to Kate, not really. Not by the end of it and not after it all fell apart. She'd hoped, obviously, but realistically she thought any lasting impression she may have left would've only been a bad one. Someone eager to forget. Someone not worth remembering.
Knowing the opposite was a lot and it pricked at the back of Jo's eyes. She almost thought she misheard, like Kate hadn't meant what she said but it was clear when she finally looked up and met Jo's questioning gaze. It was definitely there, the unspoken thing that was between them, perhaps it had always been and maybe Kate hadn't been pretending after all.
Jo was breathless and something screamed at her to ask right then in that very moment - was Kate pretending, or was it real? Jo's chest quivered and when she opened her mouth absolutely nothing came out.
"I mean it though," Kate said with a broad smile, a good few moments passing with her words hanging in the air. Kate could see that the sentiment was perhaps too much, that Jo was expecting it less than Kate had meant to say it but it was out nonetheless and Kate was glad. So glad that Jo knew she meant a lot to her both now and then and although she had a lot more to say, she was happy of the start.
Kate had a good swig from her wine before she continued. "I want to know, what have you been up to?"
Jo just blinked at her. "What?" She was having trouble keeping up.
Kate took a breather as well, the wine helping to cool her throat as she gave Jo the minute or so she needed. Even with the mix of emotions coursing through her Kate actually felt that space in her chest become a little less void like. A little less empty and she thought maybe this whole thing was helping. She was getting it off her chest to the person who it was actually about and Kate truly felt better for it.
"You, Jo," Kate answered softly, once Jo appeared to be back with her. "I'd like to know what you've been up to, if you don't mind telling me."
Jo was slow to process the request, her emotions still caught up with Kate's words. She felt light and tingly, like a weight had been lifted after years of being crushed under uncertainty and self doubt. She was certain Kate had no idea what she'd just done, freeing her from a lifetime of self-deprecation thinking no one could ever feel anything good for someone like her. In one fell swoop Kate had done it and Jo felt so unburdened she could cry.
She wouldn't though and so instead she laughed. A short, sharp burst and then she shook her head, smiling at herself and wanting the woman sat across from her to know exactly how great she felt, and that it was all down to her.
She looked at Kate who seemed so genuinely hopeful, wondering about Jo's new life like it was all she wanted to know in the world. She knew it was a distraction, a move to less shaky ground but it wasn't really something she should be telling Kate about, or anyone from her old life.
Jo let out a sigh and thought about it. On the balance of things it probably wasn't such a big deal letting Kate know some details, especially as they were already breaking about fifteen rules. She raised an eyebrow at Kate, the pleading look in those bright blue eyes convincing her. She tilted her head to one side and bit on her bottom lip.
"I'm a chef."
Kate was surprised. "You're not."
Jo nodded, a little shy with those intense blue eyes completely fixed on her.
"Shut up!" Kate really didn't believe her. "Really?""
Jo was still nodding.
Kate was flummoxed, not sure at all what she was expecting but that wasn't it. "Wow," she eventually said. "That's impressive."
Jo definitely was shy, then, very unused to praise from anyone, really. She ducked her head and focused on her fingers playing with the stem of her wineglass. "Thanks," she said quietly. Sheepishly.
"What kind of chef?" Kate's attention was piqued, her expression alive with questions. The image of Jo in her chef whites more than appealing. "Pâtissier? Sous chef? Partie chef?" Kate smiled at her own joke.
Jo gave her a look. "I've been quite a few. I have my own kitchen now, though."
Kate's eyes went wide. "Wow," she said again, quickly filled with different questions but not knowing which set to ask first. "I mean when? How? Where? Doesn't that take ages to learn?"
Jo grinned at her eagerness. Always with the interrogation, was Kate. She grasped her hands together as she leaned her forearms on the table. "Not really. I needed something to focus on, you know? After a month or so the boredom was a lot and I needed something else to think about so, I got a job in a local kitchen and it went from there."
Kate's eyebrows went up. "Just like that? Immediate chef?"
Jo scoffed. "God no! So much hard work but it was good, is good." She paused then but Kate was nodding at her, clearly wanting her to continue. Jo felt a little awkward if she was honest but she pushed through her shyness. She was so unused to talking about herself it was bizarre to be doing it. But really, what wouldn't she do for Kate?
"It all started with an argument over whisky sauce."
Kate frowned. "What's that?"
Jo was aghast. "It's a traditional Scottish sauce dating back centuries!"
"Oh," Kate smirked. "I see."
"Aye." Jo glared daggers at her. "Anyway. I didn't know anything about cooking at the time but I did know how to make a perfect, beautiful, creamy whisky sauce. My mom taught me when I was wee." Kate nodded and Jo hurried on, choosing to gloss over that last detail. "So I let the Sauté Chef know he was doing it all wrong and well, the head chef promoted me."
Kate chuckled. "A matter of Scottish pride, was it?"
"Damn right!"
They both laughed.
"So then I became a Sauté Chef. Learned the ropes. I quite enjoyed it actually."
"Sauté Chef huh?" Kate repeated with a cheeky grin.
Jo closed her eyes as she nodded, more than aware of what was coming next.
"So you were a saucy chef?"
The grin spread over Jo's face as she rolled her eyes. "You've no idea how many times I've heard that." She really did hate that comment but coming from Kate she supposed she could hear it one more time.
"Sorry," Kate responded, holding her palms up.
Jo threw her a glare. "I'll let you off, this time."
Kate tried to dampen her smug smile and when Jo didn't immediately continue she gave her a bit of a prod. "And after the Sauté Chef...?"
It made quite a change being asked about her current life rather than quizzed about her past. It was odd but nice and as it was Kate there was no reason to second guess her answers. It was actually extremely refreshing.
"Chef de Partie," Jo pronounced in the right way, giving it a bit of emphasis to rebuke Kate's earlier comment. "After that Sous Chef," she continued, tilting her head to the side to explain; "or head chef, depending. It's a small kitchen. I have a boss but she doesn't cook anymore so, it's down to me."
Kate was so happy for her she could burst. Jo seemed so happy talking about it, a shy smile tugging at her lips as she spoke and it was an absolute mile away from the heaviness that used to seem to consume her sometimes, working on the Hill. It was like she was a different person.
She is, Kate's mind reminded her.
"That's amazing, Jo, really," Kate murmured, her voice all serious and tinged with such pride that Jo's cheeks turned a little red. Kate coughed and quickly came out of it, eager as always to lighten the mood. "So people still call you boss, then?" she teased.
Jo scrunched up her nose and reached for her water, the cooling sensation into her chest very welcome. "More like Chef, actually."
Kate nodded. "That's..." and then she zoned out for a second, her mind picturing that all too well. Jo in her uniform and her little chef hat, that adorable crinkle in her brow she always used to get, barking orders as the junior chef's scrambled around her. Hot was an understatement. "...Amazing," she breathed. "Really."
Jo was grinning. "You already said that."
Kate coughed. "Yeah, but, it takes a while, right?" she changed the subject. "To train?"
Jo shrugged. "It's a lot of hard work. I've not had my own kitchen very long, still getting used to it to be honest. Took me about six years or so but I had a brilliant mentor, he's the head chef here, actually."
Kate blinked. "Here?"
"Mm."
"And you've let me sit here poking fun at his food all night?"
Jo's smile grew. "And his restaurant in general, really."
Kate was horrified and she covered her face with her hands. "Oh God."
Jo laughed wholeheartedly. "Don't worry, he wouldn't take it personally. Much."
Kate removed her hands and her eyes went wide. "Don't tell him!"
Jo was cracking up. She picked up her wine glass. "I wouldn't dare."
"Wait, so, do you know the staff here?"
Jo took a sip and shook her head. "No. I've been here all of once before tonight. Jaq got the job just under a year ago and that's when I got the promotion at my place."
"Ah okay," Kate said and then she remembered the menu. "Don't tell me you cook this posh stuff where you are?"
"God no," Jo shot back. "Nowhere near as posh as this. Not really my kind of thing."
Kate nodded, a few burning questions right on the tip of her tongue. Questions like where was her restaurant? What was it called? What was the food like and of course the most pressing question of all - was there anyone special she shared it all with? The kinds of things she had no business asking or knowing.
"I'm more American Bistro than French Gourmet I'm afraid," Jo carried on as Kate just nodded, at least having an answer to one of them. Jo's lips then fell into a side smirk, sensing Kate had more to ask. It was obvious by the look in her eyes. "You can ask me you know, whatever it is."
Kate blushed, not expecting the outright invitation. "I'm definitely interested in your career, Jo, I'm really more than impressed," she replied sincerely, even if her mind was venturing elsewhere. She was curious about all aspects of Jo's new life and surely after all these years, there must've been someone who Jo spent time with.
"I believe you, Kate," Jo lead with a smile, remembering very well what her old DI's questioning technique was like. She knew all of Kate's ticks the amount of time they'd spent interviewing suspects together and she always knew when Kate was about to throw in something new. Like something popped into her mind that she just had to ask. Her eyes always narrowed curiously and her lips evened out into a thin line, her hands becoming still on the table in front of her. It was all Jo could do to hold back a laugh, the fact that she hadn't changed after all these years. It was comforting beyond measure that Jo still had the read of her. "But you have something else to ask, so ask me. We can get back to my culinary training later."
Kate was instantly annoyed and quite amazed that Jo still knew her so well. Or could at least tell when she had something pressing to say. She never did like that exposed feeling but she had learned it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. She had sat through enough occupational health sessions about opening up and not being so guarded over the years and she supposed it had made her a more relaxed person overall, but Steve still told her she was 'a moody cow' at times who could hide her emotions like a pro so, she wasn't too worried she was a total open book. Far from it but then with Jo it was different, obviously. Clearly she was always different, with Jo.
Jo raised her chin as if in challenge and so Kate thought she'd let her have it. She swallowed down a hefty mouthful of wine before she asked though, hoping she didn't sound too heavily invested in the answer, or something.
"So you've not met anyone?" Kate threw out there, her voice low and throaty. There was no ring Kate had already noted but that obviously didn't give her much to go on. She couldn't be surprised no matter what the answer was but it didn't stop the anxious flutter in her stomach. After all Jo was gorgeous, why wouldn't she have someone?
Jo exhaled softly and was thankful Kate was the one to bring this up, which saved her from asking. She had always regretted the fact nothing happened between them. She'd wanted it to, obviously, but with everything she was involved in she was also happy they hadn't gone there. She wouldn't have wanted Kate to get more hurt than she did but she had always hoped that there was something, even if it wasn't acted upon. There definitely was on her side, anyway. She shook her head. "No time."
Kate raised her eyebrows in surprise, leaning back in her chair and looking at her in disbelief. It had been seven years so Jo was bound to have met someone, at some point. She wanted to know but didn't want to know at the same time. Her inquisitive nature winning out, though, and her eyes probed Jo for an answer.
Jo finished the last of her wine and her expression took on an edge of seriousness. "Cheffing is kind of all-encompassing. To succeed you can't cut corners. I pretty much work as many hours as I did as DCI. More sometimes when I was training."
Kate wasn't sure if she believed her. "No sexy junior chef catch your eye, then?"
It wasn't a lie. Jo was notorious for not having a life outside of the kitchen and she really wasn't seeing anyone right then, but of course that didn't mean she hadn't, before. Jo sighed; Kate clearly wanted to know but Jo knew if she put one foot in that rabbit hole she'd likely tumble all the way down. "There was one pastry chef a few years ago," she began and to Kate's credit her expression didn't really change that much. Jo was watching her closely, though. "That lasted a while."
There was silence for a moment before Kate spoke and as readable as she was before, much to Jo's annoyance she was now very closed. When Kate wanted to she could really cut a person off and clearly she hadn't lost that ability either. Jo remembered that feeling with a painful jab to her chest.
"What happened?" Kate asked and as unfathomable as her expression was her eyes were soft and her tone gentle, as if she realised what she was doing and was forcing herself out of it.
Jo sighed and the small smile on her face became strained. "She was nice."
Kate was expecting more than that, if she was honest. "Sounds terrible," she offered in an attempt to keep the mood up.
It worked.
Jo really had missed how much Kate could make her laugh and she actually chuckled a little, then. "No she wasn't the problem," Jo continued. "She was lovely. Too lovely," and then she regarded Kate with sad eyes. "I hated lying to her."
It was quickly serious again and Kate just waited, giving Jo the time to decide what she wanted to share.
Jo hated lying period and it all came flooding back to her. The lies from her past life and the lies from her new one; the lies she always had to tell everyone and the horrible truth being she could never be honest, not fully, not with anyone, ever, except for the person sitting across the table from her. The one person she wanted but had truly lost and couldn't possibly keep.
When their eyes met Jo's seemed tired all of a sudden, lonely, like a touch of the old Jo had returned with that permanent frown back and heavy across her brow. "You see, Kate, you're the only person who has ever really known me. Even before, no one got close. I wouldn't let them, my life was... well you know what it was. A mess would be an understatement and God knows I never wanted anyone to get hurt because of me." She was catapulted back then, to a lorry park on a cold night with Kate's bewildered eyes burning into her as Ryan went for her with a gun. Jo squeezed her eyes shut and immediately felt all that panic leap inside her chest. "Kate-"
"It's okay," Kate interrupted, shaking her head, wishing the tears away from Jo's eyes. She reached across the table and grabbed Jo's hand, squeezing it reassuringly and so when Jo opened her eyes, Kate met them with a firm nod. "Let's not go back there," she smiled, certain she didn't want to make Jo relive that.
Jo wanted to apologise though, for that night and for everything, really, but Kate was clenching her hand for dear life and the touch seemed to calm her, strangely, and Jo thought there would be time for that later, when they weren't surrounded by strangers in a busy restaurant. So she swallowed thickly and nodded.
Kate took the opportunity to refill both glasses, releasing Jo's hand slowly before she picked up the bottle. She really didn't want Jo's apologies, not now. Not when she'd spent the evening with this new happy, confident and optimistic Jo. A world away from the woman who'd entered witness protection all those years ago. This was about Jo's life now and that's all Kate was interested in hearing about.
Jo sighed and tried to recapture her train of thought, pushing all memories of the lorry park firmly back down inside her. She thought about the pastry chef and what happened between them, still not particularly happy thoughts but nowhere near as intense as Kate and that lorry park. She reached for her wine.
"She had questions that I couldn't answer. A past she couldn't know anything about and to be honest, I wouldn't have wanted her to know." She shook her head. "It was just too much, the secrets."
Kate felt for her, then, a sharp pang vibrating inside her chest. Relationships were hard enough especially in the force, she couldn't imagine having to erase an entire life to start a new one. "I'm sorry."
Jo smiled but there was nothing behind it. "It was for the best. She deserved someone who could give her more than I could."
Kate frowned. "I guess starting a fresh isn't as easy as the pamphlets say."
Jo snorted. "Not at all."
Kate's expression turned serious. "I am sorry though, Jo. Really."
Jo shook her head. "Don't be. You gave me a life, Kate. Something that I'd never had and I'll always be grateful for that. You gave me more than I deserved."
"That's not true."
Jo smiled thinly like she wouldn't be pressed on it. "Anyway," she sighed, reaching for her wine. "Meeting people has always been hard and I just don't want to lie anymore. Or lie by omission. It's no basis to build a relationship on."
Kate knew that was true.
"It was always easy with you," Jo mused as she thought back; reflecting. "At work, when we went out. Talking to you was effortless and when you found out everything, you were still there. Still kind even though you had no reason to be." Her voice was even, like she was simply stating facts and it hung there over them, Jo sipping from her wine as she put voice to what was unsaid. "I've really missed you, Kate. I think you'll be the only person who ever knows me. Properly, I mean."
Kate just looked at her, all soft edges and melting insides. There was a feeling in her chest she hadn't felt in such a long time and she didn't know what to do with it.
Jo's lips curled up a touch at one side. "The good and the bad and everything in between."
The space between them thrummed and Kate felt a little piece of her crumble. Like this woman was breaking her down, little by little. Working her way back inside or perhaps maybe, she never really left in the first place. Kate gasped, somewhat choked by how Jo was making her feel.
"Sorry," Jo said in lieu of any response, her voice gentle and her eyes once more seeking out the table. She had to blink away the moisture gathering there. "That was a little much, wasn't it?"
"No," Kate answered immediately, practically falling over herself to get something out. Her voice was raspy as the emotion gathered in her throat. "No, no.. I feel the same way," she blurted and when Jo looked up the tension between them sparked again.
"I mean-," Kate tried to carry on. "I mean..." what did she mean? She looked at Jo with such emotive eyes, so unguarded and open in that moment she hoped that if her words weren't good enough her expression might let Jo in on what she truly felt. Kate pushed out a breath as she shook her head, glancing at the ceiling for a second. "I think I've missed you since the moment you left."
Jo thought she might crack, then. Her emotions seeping out for all to see. She tried to hold it together, though. "Really?"
"Yeah," Kate nodded, certain that she'd never uttered a truer word in her life. "So many times I wished I could've talked to you," she admitted and then she chuckled, a little. "I've kind of imagined running into you, a lot."
Jo actually laughed, at that. "Me too," she said, her shoulders shaking with the truth of it.
"Dessert?" A voice came from beside the table and both of them were startled out of their moment.
If Kate had a firearm she was certain she would've used it. She threw the waiter a glare that summed up exactly how she felt about him and Jo just smiled, her attention falling to the tablecloth as she dropped her hand to the corner of the table to play with it.
There was a definite good few moments of silence as Kate continued to glare at him as he smiled at them both, not really too sure why he felt so awkward.
Eventually Kate spoke. "I don't know," she forced through gritted teeth. "I'm sure we would've let you know if we wanted anything else."
Jo looked up then, really enjoying Kate's tone and the look of exasperation on her face. "Oh but I thought you wanted dessert?" she offered innocently.
Kate turned to her with an overly confused look. Her eyes wide and questioning. "I did?"
A wide smile spread across Jo's face. "Yes. Something sweet and gooey, I think?" she caught her tongue between her teeth for good measure.
Kate let out a breath as she remembered, the tension easing from her shoulders as she sat back in her chair somewhat more relaxed.
"I can recommend the fudge brownie sundae," the waiter interjected, happy that the woman in the suit was now slightly less agitated. "It comes with cream?"
Kate's face became a little animated, at that. "It comes with cream," she echoed in mock delight. "How can we possibly say no?"
Jo was just trying not to laugh, her smile straining her lips.
"To share?" the waiter asked and it was almost enough to persuade Kate to forgive him.
But not quite.
Kate raised her eyebrows at Jo in question.
"Why not?" Jo responded, her eyes slightly lidded as she held Kate's charged and fiery gaze.
Dessert was eaten around much laughter, in-jokes and a lot of innuendo. The runny cream featuring highly in the hilarity. They stopped short of feeding each other though, neither of them attempting to take it that far but there was a bit of spoon fighting when they got down to the last few pieces of cake. Kate decided to be chivalrous and allowed Jo have the last mouthful, content to sit back and watch Jo savour it as she placed her spoon down in defeat.
The serious conversation didn't return, both of them far too caught up in making each other laugh to want to see anything but smiles on each other's face's. They were enjoying it too much, they were enjoying each other too much and Jo even kicked Kate's shin under the table a few times when she was being a little too hilarious. Kate's face was a picture after the first time and Jo wished she'd had the presence of mind to snap a photo or two.
In the end they were told to leave. Kind of. The waiter returned to their table twice to ask if they wanted anything else to eat, Kate throwing him a little less of a severe look each time. They'd had an Irish coffee each as well - not as good as a Scottish coffee, Kate had learned, something to do with the Scotch (obviously) and whipped cream according to Jo - and after Kate had signed her name on the bill to charge the MET an extortionate amount for dinner it came their time to leave.
Jo enjoyed watching Kate's ritual of rolling her shirt sleeves down, putting on her beautifully tailored jacket before attempting to roll both sleeves back up again. She didn't really manage it, they were more scrunched up to her elbows and being held there by the sheer amount of fabric but still, Jo thought it worked for her.
They walked out of the restaurant very casually, Kate holding the door open for Jo and then they kind of meandered, not really going anywhere but hovering sort of near the restaurant doors in the hotel lobby. They were still grinning like idiots, a little drunk on both the alcohol and the way the evening went, neither of them wanting to say goodnight.
There was a foot or so between them and they caught each others' gaze as the giggles from Kate's last joke wore off. Jo couldn't help but notice Kate's cuffs inching down her forearms as her hands rested half in and half out of her pockets. She bit on her lip as Kate moved to shove them back up again, pushing them as far as they could go. Jo really didn't want to go anywhere and by the look of it neither did Kate and besides, Jo hadn't said everything she wanted to, yet. She looked into Kate's eyes as she willed herself to speak, needing some way to bring it up rather than going right into it. She remembered then, as her gaze dropped to Kate's hands which were still busying themselves with dissenting fabric that she hadn't returned one of Kate's earlier questions.
Her finger was ring less though but Jo was definitely going to ask anyway. "I never asked you back," she started, finding out Kate's gaze again, "after the waiter interrupted us."
"Oh?" Kate responded, her hands going back in her pockets.
"After you asked me," Jo paused for a moment, smiling, Kate's eyes as playful and curious as always. "Is there anyone special, for you?" She was shy as she asked it and had to look away.
Kate's smile turned into a wide grin, very happy at being asked. She thought about teasing her but decided not to, it was enough that she wanted to know. Kate shook her head. "No. Not right now," and then she thought about it. "Or not at all, really." Jo looked at her and Kate just shrugged. "Nothing serious. I've been concentrating on Josh, mending fences." She smiled, proud. "He even confides in me now, comes over when it's not my weekend. Drives Mark mad." Kate was delighted by this and wasn't shy in showing it. She loved the relationship she had with her son now, hard fought for as it was. Getting one over on his dad was just an added bonus.
Jo was so happy for her. She remembered clearly how Josh was always a really sensitive subject for Kate and how her career had taken her away from him. Having an unsupportive husband who blamed Kate for everything certainly didn't help either. "That's amazing, Kate," she beamed, "I'm really happy for you." How happy she was at Kate's lack of love interest went unmentioned.
They were back to grinning at each other, the peace between them being slowly encroached upon by the rising voices of people leaving the restaurant and bar opposite. They inched closer together as the people grew in number, the space around them getting smaller but the tension between them getting bigger.
The air was suddenly thick, too, and Kate's breathing was staggered, her gaze dropping between them as they continued to get closer. Soon there was only half a foot or so and it was much less to do with the crowd and all to do with them, seemingly gravitating together as the temperature rose along with Kate's thudding heart.
Kate's attention fell to Jo's hands then, her thumbs playing along her index fingers nervously and that's when Kate chose to be brave. She knew Jo was feeling this too, was just as anxious and so she reached for one of Jo's hands slowly and tenderly, glancing around them to see that any privacy they might have had was about to disappear. They were running out of moments and Kate still had things she wanted to say. This was it so she ran her thumb over Jo's knuckles, both of their eyes tracking its movement and then she wrapped her fingers around and into Jo's palm. Kate had to swallow her nerves, her heart beating out of her chest like they hadn't just spent the whole evening getting along like it was their tenth anniversary meal.
"I need to tell you," Kate began softly as she pulled Jo over towards the wall, away from the restaurant and in the corner of the lobby by the lifts. Her voice was low as she leaned forwards slightly, the space between them tiny and quickly alight.
Jo's eyes darted up as if startled, her heart suddenly heavy as she exhaled a shaky breath. Her skin busy tingling beneath Kate's touch and she could only hold onto Kate's gaze for a moment, the look in her eyes far too earnest and so she looked back at their hands instead. The tiny movement of Kate's thumb a little mesmerising.
Now the time was here Kate didn't know how to phrase it, however eager she was to get the words out. She went to speak twice, stopping herself with a heavy exhale each time as she watched their hands too. She may have even been shaking but regardless of her struggle for words Jo seemed to be waiting patiently and so after a moment Kate continued, her eyes moving back up and resting on Jo's downturned face.
"The last time I saw you, I wanted to say, well," and then her voice betrayed her, all cracking and jittery and she was suddenly shy. She swallowed hard and willed herself on. "I wish I'd have been different." Jo looked up then, peering up beneath her lashes. "Better, I mean," Kate corrected, quickly realising this was much harder than she thought it would be.
She knew Jo's attention was on her but she couldn't return it, her eyes flicking everywhere but to Jo. "You deserved better than how I was to you, in that room." She coughed a little, every inch of her feeling clammy and hot. She blinked a good few times and then finally met Jo's eyes which thankfully were full of nothing but kindness. Kate swallowed and it hurt, her breath more than shaky. "I've thought about it a lot and I wish I'd have been kinder," her brow furrowed and her grip on Jo's hand tightened. "I was just...I felt..." and then she got a bit frustrated with herself. "I wish I'd have told you-"
"Kate," Jo interrupted, her head shaking like she couldn't let Kate feel bad about this. "However you felt you were justified."
"I wasn't," Kate whispered.
Jo became firmer. "You were. Kate, you gave me my freedom. You saved me, you did so much for me."
Kate was shaking her head now too.
Jo pressed on, really not wanting Kate to feel bad about this. "I'm so thankful, if it wasn't for you I'd be in prison, or dead. I have a life because of you." Kate looked at her, her eyes glassy and the stark difference struck Jo then, how vulnerable and soft Kate seemed in total contrast to the last memory she had of her, in that room she just mentioned. All cold and indifferent and sharp edges, nothing like the woman before her now. Jo's expression was imploring, her hand gripping Kate's in return. "I'm the one who needs to apologise to you, for everything," and then it was Jo's turn to avert her gaze. "That night, all of it. I'd do it so much differently if I could go back."
Kate nodded, her brow a little pinched. "Me too," she murmured quietly.
Jo took in a deep breath. "That night, in the lorry park-"
"I know."
"No, Kate, you don't. Please let me say it-"
"You don't know how many times I watched your interview." Kate's gaze was back on her. "I know why you did it."
Jo's eyes were full of tears, not being able to process what that meant. "There's no excuse," she shook her head. "No matter what position I was in I shouldn't have.." she sighed heavily, the emotion collapsing her chest. "I'm so sorry, Kate. Truly. Please believe me."
Kate exhaled as she leaned towards her, a hair's breadth between them as they stood gathered there, against the wall and still holding hands, Kate's forehead a nudge away from Jo's. "I know," she whispered. "I do," and then a small smile crept onto her face. "Me too."
The door to the staircase opposite them opened and five people filed out into the lobby, springing them apart. Kate nodded and smiled at them as they made their way past, Jo wiping away an errant tear as she took a step back and attempted to gather herself.
The lobby was getting inexplicitly busy for some reason, people apparently getting thrown out of both the restaurant and the bar at practically the same time. Kate prayed for some privacy, a corner they could vanish into while the masses dispersed but no such luck. She glanced around for options but was coming up empty, trying her best to shield Jo from any onlookers with her broad shoulders and lengthy tailcoat.
Kate realised most people were hanging around the lift area in groups waiting to go back to their rooms and it dawned on her then that this might be it. The meal was over and their apologies were made and the thought honestly made Kate feel sick. Her attention swung back around to Jo, her expression fully dropped and her eyes panicked like this could be the last time she ever saw her. Kate watched as Jo poked around in her bag and it honestly felt like her entire chest was caving inward, the form of this beautiful woman in front of her who she wasn't ready to lose again.
Jo felt better. Relieved and much, much lighter. Seeing Kate, talking to her and just being with her was more than she could've ever hoped for. She felt thankful and a smile spread over her lips, the warmth moving through her body making her feel much more whole than she ever could remember. And it was all because of Kate.
She looked up then to find Kate staring at her, only a step or so away and her blue eyes watching her, appraising her almost, like she was committing her to memory. Jo was about to ask what she was doing when a group of people approached them, pausing just to the side of the lift and gesturing at them as if they were first in the queue for the next ride. Jo looked from the group to Kate whose attention hadn't moved an inch, still fixated on her with eyes that were becoming sadder by the second.
Jo felt a little winded, not wanting the evening to end either but she supposed it was going to have to, at some point. They couldn't stand in the lobby until morning, could they? Jo felt herself get lost in Kate's eyes.
The lift dinged announcing its arrival and as the doors opened the group of people moved past them and inside, giving Jo and Kate a few more moments before Jo reached out, running her first two fingers down the exposed skin of Kate's forearm, both of whose hands were tucked into her front trouser pockets. "C'mon," Jo breathed heavily, finally breaking eye contact and then they both stepped into the lift.
"Which floor?" the man standing in front of the panel asked, a hand hovering over the buttons.
"Four please," Jo replied with a sigh.
He looked at Kate.
"Same," she said and then her expression perked up a bit, Jo turning to her with a raised eyebrow. "Really?" she asked under her breath.
Kate looked just as surprised as she was. "Coincidence," she murmured as she nudged Jo with her shoulder.
Maybe it was fate, or something.
They walked along the corridor with a small gap between them, the silence of the narrow walkway a stark contrast to the busy lobby. Kate's hands were still in her trouser pockets and Jo's were clasped around her bag in front of her hips. The charged atmosphere from downstairs having followed them and it only became thicker with every step they took. They alternated in stealing glances, their walk as slow as their conversation and neither knew what to do. This was the end now and it felt as awkward as hell, both of them still not wanting the night to end but quickly approaching the moment when it would. Their last parting was forced upon them and on bad terms but at least this time it would only be positive, not really chosen but not really imposed either.
Kate's brow furrowed. So why were they doing it?
Because they had to, didn't they?
"Weird how we're on the same floor, isn't it?" Jo finally said, her Scottish lilt shattering the silence. There was a clear strain to her voice, an edginess that accompanied the fluttering in her chest. She was well aware she had to say goodbye in a matter of moments and she really, really didn't want to.
"Very weird, I'd say," Kate replied, her mood becoming solemn rather quickly. She wished she'd said more downstairs, now, about how she'd felt. With every step time was running out and she was suddenly rushed, no idea how to blurt out the complicated things she felt for Jo back then and hating herself for not bringing it up sooner. All she had now was small talk which was easy, but no what she wanted. "I wonder if we hadn't met outside we'd have bumped into each other along here." Her pulse thumped beneath her skin.
Jo shrugged. "Maybe. Who knows."
Their conversation by the lift weighed heavily on Jo and the way it ended rather abruptly. It was intense and intimate, so much so that Jo could still feel Kate's touch against her skin. Her fingers were tingling with it and it would be so easy to drop her hand, tug Kate's from her pocket and link their fingers together but she couldn't, could she? That would lead them into dangerous territory and only make their parting harder, surely. Perhaps it was better how it was, ending just like this. Did anything else really need to be said? Jo didn't think so and wasn't sure if she could handle it if it was.
Jo's heart was fragile and it was only getting worse the closer she got to her hotel room. When she'd agreed to dinner with Kate she didn't really know what she'd feel by the end of it but it was proving to be just as heartbreaking to have to leave her again, even though this time it was coming after a wonderful evening spent together. She didn't know if it was better or worse than last time to be fair, and all she could feel was an overwhelming mix of competing emotions.
Ultimately Jo was happy that she'd managed to say what she did, however brief it was and as much as she wished she could have Kate for longer she knew she couldn't, and so perhaps parting now was for the best. It was a snapshot she would treasure forever and she knew that Kate cared, and perhaps that would be enough.
Kate was still reeling from Jo's words downstairs, from her apology and from the knowledge that she would change things if she could. There was much more she wanted to hear, too, questions she wanted to ask but she could hardly blurt it all out now. The more Kate thought about it the more worked up she became and she felt like she was overheating, needing to shed her jacket in a flurry of frustration. Instead she pushed her hands over her head, smoothing back her hair and thinking how the hell she was going to get out the rest of what she wanted to say. She hadn't been pretending and she needed Jo to know that. It was probably the most impor-
"This is me," Jo said out of nowhere and all of a sudden she stopped walking. It took Kate a step or so more and then she turned, rounding on Jo who was stood outside door number 216 smiling at her a little apprehensively.
"Oh," Kate breathed. She so wasn't ready. She went for deflection. "Two-sixteen, that's lucky. I'm all the way down the hall and round the corner. Miles from the lift."
Jo nodded, going with deflection too. "Well you've more dinner to walk off." Kate laughed and then there was silence again.
Jo's whole expression became forlorn, then, like she dreaded the words she was about to say. It was written all over her face and shone in her eyes that as abruptly as this wonderful evening had started, it was also destined to just as abruptly end. In this very corridor. Outside door 216. She hated the feeling that was flooding through her and it pressed on Jo's chest like a heavyweight, restricting her breathing and crushing her heart. Kate wouldn't look at her and to be honest Jo didn't want to see what would be there in her eyes. She knew it would be clear, the pain of this moment just as it was in her own - glassy, stricken and laced with regret.
Kate's chest was rattling with nerves, pushing and pulling and about to break free. They were causing her to second guess herself, making her doubt the thing she wanted to say. She hadn't brought it up over dinner, instead putting it off to keep the conversation flirtatious and easy. Or mostly easy, anyway. It was almost too hard, because Kate knew telling Jo would mean looking at her, and looking at her would mean the start of a dialogue that would lead to saying goodbye and Kate didn't want that. She'd never wanted anything less in her life.
"It's been lovely seeing you, Kate," Jo said simply, her tight smile attempting to hide the overbearing sadness she felt. The creeping emptiness she felt closing in. "You've no idea."
Kate looked up sharply, her eyes setting firmly on the woman in front of her, Jo's words prompting her to action. "Yeah," she breathed shakily, gathering her courage and making herself resolute. It was all there, everything she'd ever felt for Jo from the moment they first worked together to those razor sharp revelations that came in the years after, she let it all bubble to the surface and gather in the back of her throat. Right behind her eyes and just on the precipice of her tongue. She was going to tell her. "Jo, look - I need to tell you something."
Jo felt something like dread grip at her insides. She stood stock still and her eyes widened a touch, her heart beating outside her chest. She swallowed and it raked inside her throat seeing something in Kate's eyes she wasn't sure she could handle. Something like an admission and although if Jo was right it was exactly what she'd always wanted to hear but all of a sudden, she didn't know if she could hear it.
Their time together was ending, that couldn't be changed and Kate telling her this, now, what was she meant to do with that? Miss her more? Want her all the more and know that Kate also wanted those things, miles away from her? That for the past seven years she'd also felt exactly the same?
Jo was suddenly scared to know the answer and she felt panic, right then, because at least if she was unaware then Kate's affections would remain exactly where they'd always been. Out of reach. Perhaps their evening together was enough. Kate didn't hate her, didn't hold her in any disregard and actually liked her, so it seemed, and that was far more than Jo thought she'd ever have. More than she thought she'd ever deserve.
It was enough.
Jo shook her head. "Don't," she whispered and Kate paused, confused, her lips slightly parted as she was about to speak and her brow furrowed deeply. Jo though didn't know how to follow up and she had to scramble, her eyes blinking as Kate's gaze flicked between them, questioning.
Jo quelled the panic just how she used to all those years ago, by closing it down. Compartmentalising. Pretending it was for the best. For both of them. She watched painfully as the emotions crossed Kate's beautiful face, so very expressive in that moment and for the first time ever, Jo wished she couldn't read them. She was hurt, Jo could tell but she continued on, her expression evening out a little.
"Let's not, okay?" Jo said, barely holding her expression together as she felt her resolve crack, not sure how long she could stand there saying these words, watching Kate's expression crumble more with each one. She felt horrible but it had to be for the best, it just had to be. She swallowed and it hurt. "Let's not make this any harder than it has to be." So much for holding it together. Jo's voice faltered at the end of her sentence and she honestly didn't know how she wasn't falling apart, her expression pained and her eyes washed out.
Kate was lost to say the least. She wasn't expecting such a reaction from Jo and as much as she still wanted to tell her, needed to even, how could she, after that? She tried to work it through quickly in her mind as she could see Jo was struggling with their impending parting. Kate was struggling with it too but all the more reason to tell her, right? More than anything though, Kate didn't want to put her through more pain and that's all she could see in Jo's eyes, right then. All Kate wanted was to see that amazing smile on her face again, bright and happy and effortless and so reluctantly she nodded, forcing a smile and just like that the pleading in Jo's eyes dissipated, along with the worry that lined her expression.
"Okay," Kate breathed, smiling tightly, her eyes stinging and her body accepting the inevitability of what would happen next. "Okay," she said again, and she tried to find some brightness for her eyes.
Jo nodded too and then she reached out to her, pulling Kate against her in a fierce hug and she held her like it was the last time she'd ever be able to. Like after this she would disappear into nothingness, again.
It was true, after all.
Kate returned the hug, her arms quick and around Jo's back with her fingers splayed and pressing firmly into Jo's dress. She clenched her eyes shut, the emotion still there and threatening to run free. Her chin was tight over Jo's shoulder, practically digging in and they stood there motionless, folded together, their heavy breaths the only thing to drown out the raucous thumping of their hearts.
Jo knew she would cry. She could feel it, unable to stop it but as much as she wanted the safe solitude of her bed to collapse into she also wanted this hug. The feel of Kate's arms and her breath against her neck and the way her fingertips were pressing into her back. She felt warmer than she ever had, safer, like she was going to have to tear herself away from the only comfort she could ever have and she was right. It was hurting enough just like this.
"Take care of yourself," Jo whispered, all of her words shaking and cracking now as she stopped trying to hide it. She whimpered as she pulled away, squeezing Kate one final time before she turned and retreated into her room.
Kate only saw a flurry of movement as her vision was blurry, Jo's warm body that was so snugly pressed against her suddenly gone and Kate was alone in the corridor, her heart beating frantically and her fingers twitching for the woman she was just cuddling.
Kate was bewildered. Annihilated, really. Obliterated. Like she had been given the one thing she wanted only for it to be stripped away again, fleetingly, like she was never meant to have it in the first place. She blinked and shook her head, still confused, still lost and as she brought her hand up to run along the back of her neck and into her hair her chest hitched, and her lip quivered. Her body only hinting at the wealth of emotions it was feeling. Kate pulled herself away from Jo's door and turned, ambling down the corridor towards her own room and holding on with all her might to the feeling of having Jo in her arms.
-/-