The Misadventures of Hyperdimension Peashy
Episode 39
by Derald Snyder
It was time for Stage 3 of the Leanbox Ninja Warrior finals, and out of 100 finalists, only three were still standing: Peach, Adrian, and a black-shadowed NPC.
"Peashy, take a breath," Adrian advised. "You're shaking like a leaf..."
"S-sorry," Peach said as she took a deep breath to calm her nerves. "I'm just... so excited! I'd never thought I'd get this far!"
"Me neither," the NPC spoke up. "Not that I'm not confident in my athletic ability, but... well, I am just an NPC, after all..."
"Which means you're basically at the whims of the author," iPhone spoke up.
"Argh!" Peach clutched her head. "iPhone, didn't we talk about this...?!"
"Yeah, iPhone, no breaking the fourth wall around Big Sis!" iPad said in a slightly mocking tone, giving her younger sister a light smack on the head.
"S-sorry," the 10-year old winced. "My mistake. It won't happen again."
"Well, she's not exactly wrong," the NPC shrugged. "Anyway, I'm first up, so I'd better get up there..."
"Yeah, looks like the hosts are about to come back on camera," Adrian observed.
"And now, it's Stage 3!" Kratt Wiseman declared. "There's no timer on this stage, but it's an extreme test of your upper body strength! So far, no competitor on this show has ever made it past this stage! Will this be the year that changes?"
"Well, we got three people challenging Stage 3 this year, all first-timers!" stated Admiral Inprunnuncibl. "Here's the obstacles they'll have to face: First, the Psycho Chainsaw, which you have to pump your arms while hanging to move forward! Then a transition to the Doorknob Grasper, five rods in an inverted V-shape! Then a platform where the competitor can take a little break!"
"But it doesn't get any easier," Kratt pointed out, "as the next obstacle is the Floating Boards! Exactly what it sounds like, you have to navigate four boards suspended in midair! Then another rest platform, followed by the Ultimate Cliffhanger!"
"Ho-leeee crap," A-Mac muttered on seeing this particular obstacle. It began with a '' shape on a upward inclined wall, then three straight railings above that, leading to a railing seemingly far above the last one. Then there was an extremely small railing at the same height of the three before the high one, followed by a slightly longer one on a wall sloping outward, then a much longer railing where you had to jump across to one final railing suspended in the air.
"Oh wow," Peach pulled a hand through her ponytail, "that's nothing like the one we've been practicing on..."
"If they manage to complete that obstacle," Admiral continued, "they get to take another rest, then they tackle the Pole Grasper, five vertical poles suspended above water! Then they immediately transfer to the Hang Climb!" This obstacle consisted of several red-colored handholds shaped like natural rocks on a nearly horizontal glass pane, which inclined upward.
"And then they have to tackle Area 51!" said Kratt, "Navigating several flying saucers hovering in the air! And then the last obstacle, the Flying Bar! Competitors have to transfer the bar across five cradles before finally swinging to the finish platform at the end! Do any of our three finalists have what it takes to complete this grueling course?!"
"Look like we're about to find out," Admiral noted, "Cause the first guy's about to get under way!"
*beep, beep, beep, BOOP!*
The NPC grabbed the handles of the Psycho Chainsaw, repeatedly pumping his arms to move forward. Once he got close enough he reached grabbed the first knob of the Doorknob Grasper, swinging to grab each knob in succession.
"No problems so far," Wiseman mused.
But does he know how to tackle the Floating Boards?" His Negro co-host pondered. They watched as the NPC looked over the obstacle, before grabbing both sides of the board with his hands... but he clearly had no idea what he was doing, as he grip gave out and he dropped-
-back onto the platform in a sitting position, his legs hanging over the edge. "Whoa, he got lucky there!" Admiral breathed out.
"Well, now he's gotta reset and figure out how to get past this obstacle," Kratt stated grimly, watching as the shadow-man stood back up, taking a deep breath to calm himself. Thinking for a few moments he reached out for the first board again, this time grabbing onto one side with his hands, putting his feet on either side of the board to help support his weight. He hung there for a second before reaching to the next board with one hand, grabbing it and managing to transfer himself over!
"There he goes! Now ya got it!" Admiral cheered as the NPC made his way to the last board and dismounted onto the platform, drawings cheers from the crowd.
"Nice recovery!" Kratt added. "But now, it's the Ultimate Cliffhanger next!" The NPC looked over the daunting obstacle, before taking hold and starting to work his way up, past the '' shape, working his way across the three railings above that... but when he tried to grab the high railing, he couldn't reach high enough, then his grip failed and he plunged into the drink!
FAIL
"Oh!" Kratt winced, "And down he goes! But still, a round of applause for a generic NPC even getting this far!"
"Yeah, he might not have a name or face, but he's got nothin' to be ashamed of!" Admiral nodded, the audience appauding as the NPC pulled himself from the water and waved to everybody.
"And up next, First Class Petty Officer Adrian Johns!" Kratt announced. "He started as a walk-on, but has done nothing but impress so far!"
COMPETITOR PROFILE
"My name is Adrian, I'm a first class petty officer in the Leanbox Army. My father was a soldier who was unfortunately killed in combat during a skirmish with ASIC's forces... But despite my mother's objections, I was determined to follow in his footsteps and become a great soldier in my own right."
"But when I was accepted into service, I realized that the unit I'd been assigned to wasn't quite up to snuff- nobody there seemed to take their duties seriously... So I took it upon myself to try and get my fellow soldiers to try and compete with me on the army obstacle courses. Fortunately they started coming around, and nowadays my unit's one of the best in the business. Not to toot my own horn or anything, mind you..."
"I only really entered the competition on my girlfriend Peach's insistence, since I tried some the obstacles her training partner had set-up at his house, and I seemed to do better than anyone else did..." *chuckles*
"I don't really care about the prize money or the accolades, but I hope that if I win, it'll inspire more people to sign up for the army, because I think I'm a pretty good example of how far you can go if you put your mind to it."
*Back to the course*
"Well, you gotta admit, as someone who was basically a walk-on, he's done pretty darn good for himself!" Admiral observed. "At this rate, his impromptu recruitin' drive just might be successful!"
"True, but I'm pretty sure Stage 3 is unlike anything he's seen before!" Kratt stated. "Can he get through it?"
*beep, beep, beep, BOOP!*
Adrian grabbed onto the handles of the Psycho Chainsaw, pumping his arms up and down, but not going too fast in order to conserve his stamina. Reaching the end of the track, the soldier grabbed onto the first knob of the Doorknob Grasper, swinging his way across with no trouble.
"C'mon, Adrian! You got this!" A-Mac cheered from the sidelines.
Taking a moment to catch his breath, Adrian walked up to the first of the Floating Boards, grasping it with one hand to get a feel for it... then, climbed onto the side in the same position the NPC had used successfully, working his way across to the other side.
"Nicely done!" Kratt nodded, "but now, it's the Ultimate Cliffhanger!"
"Adrian says he's been practicing for this one alongside Peach and A-Mac, but will it help him out here?" Admiral pondered, as the petty officer looked the daunting obstacle over, before grabbing on... Unlike the NPC before him, who had climbed on every part of the railings, Adrian simply swung himself up to the upper part of the '' immediately, then swung back and used the momentum to grab the straight railing above that!
"Nice strategy, taking the shortest distance possible to conserve his energy!" Admiral observed. "But can he figure out how to grab the high railing?" The hosts watched as the soldier made his way to the end of the third straight railing, then swinging his body forward, getting just enough 'oomph' to reach up and grab the high railing, quickly pulling up his other hand!
"Man, he's almost making the Ultimate Cliffhanger look easy!" Kratt said with a grin, as Adrian managed to drop down and grab the tiny railing without falling, then transferring to the next railing over. "But can he make that last jump to the final railing?"
Reaching the end, Adrian turned himself so that his hands were holding the railing in a reverse grip, allowing him to face the last railing suspended in the air. He then began to swing back and forth, before launching himself-
and grabbing the last railing! "He did it!" Kratt as the audience cheered. "Adrian Johns completes the Ultimate Cliffhanger!" The soldier dropped onto the platform, shaking his hands a little as he took a short break.
"Go, Adrian!" Peach yelled with her hands up to her mouth. "Go all the way!"
"Now it's on to the Pole Grasper!" Admiral announced. "Let's see how he handles this one..."
(Looks like I have to climb high enough to be able to grab the Rock Climb at the end,) the petty officer thought as he looked over the remainder of the course... He grabbed onto the first pole, holding it not only with his hands but tightly gripping the pole between his legs as well. He then reached out and grasped the second pole, transferring himself over without problem, then to the third...
but when he grabbed the fourth pole, it suddenly dropped down about a foot! Fortunately he had a good enough grip that he didn't go plummeting into the water as a result, but the shock on his face was palpable.
"He wasn't expecting the fourth pole to drop like that, but he least he kept his grip!" Kratt stated the obvious, as Adrian took a breath to calm himself after that scare, then transferring himself to the last pole, climbing up a little in order to grab the Rock Climb...
"He's shaken, but not stirred!" Admiral quipped, as Adrian climbed up to the hanging bar between obstacles, looping one leg through the bar and hanging in a half-upside-down position, giving his left arm a little rest, then switching arms to let his right arm rest as well...
"Looks like he's getting ready to tackle Area 51!" said Wiseman, as Adrian briefly hung down before lifting his legs up and wrapped around the first saucer, using his hands to turn himself to transfer to the next.
"Usin' his legs to grab the saucers, clever move on his part!" Admiral noted. "This's what we say about Ninja Warrior- it's about using your brain as well as your body to get past these obstacles!"
Everyone watched as Adrian climbed across the rest of the saucers, before getting into a sitting position on the final rest bar.
"Come on, Adrian! You got this! You can do it!" A-Mac called.
"The hopes and dreams of all our Army comrades are on you!" Sergei yelled.
"One last obstacle, the Flying Bar!" said Kratt. "Does he have enough gas in the tank to finish?"
Adrian had bunched up his legs to brace against the rest bar, in order to rest his arms for a few seconds and catch his breath... after about half a minute, he finally gripped the Flying Bar and hung down. Swinging a bit, he managed to jump the bar to the next cradle... then the third... then the fourth... finally getting himself onto the last cradle. Now it was time for the dismount... the crowd holding its collective breath as Adrian swung back and forth, building up momentum, releasing...
and landing on the platform!
FINISH!
"He's done it! He's done it!" Kratt screamed in excitement, pumping his fist. "Adrian Johns becomes the first person ever to complete Stage 3 here on Leanbox Ninja Warrior!"
"I see you, Adrian!" Admiral cheered. "Move over Captain Leanbox, there's a new super soldier in town!"
"ADRIAAAAAAANN!" Peach, Sergei and A-Mac all cheered.
"Laaaaaammmee..." Adrian gasped out, having fallen to his knees in exhaustion and relief.
"I'm starting to see why Big Sis fell for him..." iPad stated.
"Either that, or Mr. Adrian was the first person she met disciplined enough to not ogle her," iPhone theorized.
"Yeah, that too..." iPad conceded.
"Oy, nice job, comrade!" Sergei said as Adrian slowly walked back over to the group. "Victory yell!"
"UU-RAAHHH!" Both soldiers cried as they bumped their chests together.
"Bleh, Army men," Nisa rolled her eyes. "Too much testosterone for my tastes..."
"Watch it, Nicole," Peach growled. "That's my boyfriend you're talking about..."
"I-I'm just saying, that's why I prefer A-Mac," Nicole rapidly babbled. "He's strong, but he doesn't get all puffed up over it... A-anyway, isn't your turn next?"
"Huh...? Oh, right! Thanks for reminding me!" Peashy nodded as she jogged to the start platform.
"Go, Big Sis!" iPad and iPhone encouraged.
"And now, our last competitor on Stage 3 tonight, former staff sergeant Peach Macintosh!" Kratt announced. "Can she follow in her boyfriend's foot steps? We're about to find out!"
*beep, beep, beep, BOOP!*
Peach had no trouble working the Psycho Chainsaw across the track, transferring to the Doorknob Hanger and swinging across.
"Look at those muscles!" Admiral said. "She's gotta lot of power, but muscle is heavier than fat, so it might work against her here..."
"Well, she's on to the Floating Boards now," Wiseman observed. She's watch the previous two get across, she shouldn't have any trouble..." The hosts watched as Peashy worked her way across in much the same manner as Adrian did. "No trouble at all! But now it's the Ultimate Cliffhanger!"
"This where her extra weight could work against her," Admiral muttered worriedly. "She needs to hustle and not waste any time here..."
Taking a breath to calm herself, Peashy grabbed onto the first railing, pulling herself up past the '' like Adrian did, then working her way across the three level railings... she managed to swing herself up to the high railing, but when it came time to drop down to the tiny railing, one of her hands missed, leaving her dangling precariously from the other hand, drawing gasps from the crowd. She managed to swing forward and grab the next railing, however.
"Nice recovery!" Kratt nodded.
"Yeah, look at that determination on her face!" his Negro co-host noted. "Ain't nothin' gonna stop Super-Peach!" They watched as Peach made her way to the last railing, turning herself around like Adrian had, her teeth gritted as she starting swinging back and forth...
And then she leapt. Time seemed to slow as Peach flew through the air...
... her eyes going wide as her fingers missed the railing, which seemed to rise further and further away...
then water flooded her vision, the stage lit up red, and she knew... it was all over.
FAIL
The crowds cried out in dismay at seeing their fan favorite take the plunge. "She couldn't make that final jump! So close, and yet so far!" Kratt sighed in disbelief.
"Looks like she was just too heavy, she couldn't get enough momentum to make that last transition!" Admiral lamented. "We've found Super-Peach's Kryptonite, and it's the Ultimate Cliffhanger!"
Peashy still seemed in a state of shock as Adrian and A-Mac pulled her from the water. "You OK, Peach?" Adrian asked worriedly, the blonde unresponsive as she sat down at the edge of the stage, her head bowed.
"Hey, look at it this way," A-Mac tried to console her, "You got farther than that NPC, so technically, you're second place..." Peach only grunted in response... but then, she lifted her head as she heard cheers and applause from the crowds, realizing they were cheering for her.
"See? They think you did a good job, too," said Adrian, his girlfriend finally allowing herself a tiny smile as he helped her stand, walking her back to her family and friends.
"Listen to them cheerin' for Peach!" Admiral said with a grin. "They all liked her performance, even if she came up short in the end!"
"Yes, a spectacular performance for her first time on this course!" Kratt agreed. "But it's her boyfriend and fellow soldier, Adrian Johns, who has earned the right to challenge the Final Stage for a chance to make history and win a million credits! The historic climb begins, next on Leanbox Ninja Warrior!"
*To be continued...*