The Misadventures of Hyperdimension Peashy

Episode 47

by Derald Snyder

*Lastation Army Training Barracks*

"Come on, maggots! You can go faster than that!" Peach yelled at the Lastation soldiers running the obstacle course. "Adrian would have gotten through that whole thing in half the time!"

"With all due respect, Sergeant..." one soldier gasped out. "Isn't Petty Officer Adrian the Leanbox Ninja Warrior champion? That's kind of an impossible standard to hold us to...!"

"...Fine then. I'll settle for you reducing your time by one-quarter," Peach conceded. "Now get moving, soldier!" The NPC immediately ran off to do the course over again.

"Are you sure you're not being a little too harsh on them?" A young female voice spoke up behind Peach, the blonde turning to see Uni standing there.

"Well, you know, Uni," she began, "It was because I did such a good job training K-Sha that your sister asked me to whip these sorry fools into shape... and I didn't exactly go easy on her, either."

"Well, don't you think you should give them a little incentive?" a male voice spoke up from seemingly nowhere, causing Peashy to jump in surprise, looking around... and then realizing that there was a young black-haired man just past his teens standing next to the CPU Candidate, wearing a pair of sunglasses and casual clothing.

(Was he standing there the whole time? How did I miss him?!) Aloud she said, "Geez, you almost gave me a heart attack...!"

"He's not the kind to stand out in a crowd," Uni deadpanned. "Of course, it doesn't work on me, because of my sniper's eye..."

"And a wonderful eye it is. Both of them, in fact," the young man said, causing Uni to blush slightly.

"Oooh, is he your boyfriend~?" Peach couldn't help but tease.

Both of them blushed at this. "Um, well, I guess, a little bit," Uni stammered. "A-actually, we're supposed to be going on a date, but..."

"But...?" Peach blinked.

"I... I have no idea what to do!" the goddess blurted out. "A-and neither does he! But I know you've got a boyfriend, s-so..."

"Ohh," Peashy gasped in comprehension, "So that's why you're here- you wanted some relationship advice."

"S-something like that, yeah," Uni nodded vigorously.

The blonde bit her lip briefly. "Well, I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask... I mean, before I met Adrian, my relationships with boys was, 'they try to grope me, I pound them into mashed potato.' Adrian was a perfect gentleman, by contrast..."

"I confess to being a bit of a pervert, myself," Uni's boyfriend admitted. "A-actually, before I met Uni, you would have been just the type of girl I lusted for..."

"Oh really?" Peach's eyes narrowed. "I bet the threat of Uni shooting you is enough to make you behave yourself, though..."

"My interests have changed," the young man asserted without missing a beat. "Affimojas, on the other hand..."

"Affimojas?!" Peashy took a step back in shock. "That guy who tried to profit off the CPUs during that whole re-write disaster?! That means you must be... Steamax?!" Her shouting didn't go unnoticed by the Lastation soldiers, who all halted their obstacle course running in shock and disbelief.

"No need to panic!" Uni called to them. "Steamax isn't even wearing his armor right now, alright? So get back to training, or I'll tell Noire on you!" That was enough incentive for the soldiers to start running again.

"Thanks, Uni," Peach deadpanned. "So this is what you look like under the armor, huh? ...But why the sunglasses? It's not exactly that bright out..."

"U-umm, well..." Steamax adjusted said glasses nervously.

"It's to hide his heterochromia," Uni stated bluntly.

"Hey! Y-you can't just t-tell her that!" the former ninja villain protested.

"Hetero-what?" Peashy said in confusion.

"Oh, here, I'll just show you," The CPU Candidate sighed as she swiped Steamax's sunglasses off his face before he could react, revealing that his left eye was blue, while his right eye was black.

"Acck, Uniiii!" Steamax wailed in dismay as he covered his face with his hands. "How could you...?!"

"Oh, now I get it," Peach said. "Is that why you usually wear your armor all the time?"

"Ngghhh... P-part of the reason," the ninja admitted, still covering his face. "You h-have no idea how much I was teased as a kid... Affimojas was the only one who stood by me back then... He even bought my armor for me, once he started coming into money."

"I see," Peashy nodded in comprehension. "Explains why you're so loyal to him..."

"Anyway, Miss Peach, getting back to your relationship advice..." Uni cut in as she handed Steamax's sunglasses back to him.

"Oh, right..." the blonde soldier closed her eyes in thought. "Well, one thing I can tell you for sure, is that you and your boyfriend usually won't have the exact same interests... Take action movies, for instance. I hate 'em with a passion... The plots are non-existent, everyone talks in one-liners, and they all exist just to beat the crap outta each other! But that's exactly why Adrian likes 'em- he finds them hilarious. Hell, one time we got booted out of the theater because he was laughing too hard..."

"Um, right..." Uni and Steamax both sweat-dropped.

"*Ahem* Anyway..." Peach continued, "what I'm trying to say is, there's gonna have to be some give and take from both of you, if you wanna make it work... and as far as going on your first date, maybe you could try finding a movie you both like, or at least feel neutral about?"

"...I guess that could work," Steamax nodded. Turning to Uni, he suggested,"I think there's a movie about a sniper who has to go undercover after being framed for an assassination he didn't commit playing right now..."

"Sure, I guess we could try that," Uni agreed with a small nod. "But if you're gonna get drinks with your popcorn, get water or something non-carbonated. I hate it when people belch in my ear..."

"A-as you wish, Lady Uni," the heterochromatic ninja agreed as he and the goddess began to walk off. "I was never a big soda drinker, anyway... W-would you m-mind if... I-I held y-your hand, at least?"

Uni just smiled as she promptly took Steamax's hand in her own. "Thanks for the help, Miss Peach!" She called as she left with her date.

"Anytime! But don't call me 'Miss', okay?" Peashy shouted back, before turning back to the exhausted Lastation soldiers. "And as for YOU..."

The soldiers seized up in terror.

"...At ease. That's enough for today." A collective sigh of relief was heard. "However! I expect you all back here tomorrow at 9 AM sharp! Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Sergeant!" the men responded.

"I don't hear you!"

"YES, SERGEANT!"

"Good. Dismissed!"

And so another day passed in Lastation...

*Episode 47- End*