Disclaimer: see part 1
Touch'
By Random1377
Part 6 – Inversion
Rei stood silently watching Shinji's latest physical examination through the observation window in the intensive care section of the NERV hospital. A bandage covered one of his eyes, though otherwise he seemed unharmed. Physically, at any rate. Misato had refused to tell Rei what his psychiatric evaluation said, and had been quick to dismiss her, citing a need to return to Unit 02's cage to see if any progress had been made in retrieving Asuka from the EVA's plug.
This did not sit well with Rei at all.
"Shinji…" she murmured, putting one hand on the glass and leaning closer to try to make eye contact with the injured pilot. "I am… sorry."
She knew he could not hear her through the glass, of course, but she still felt the need to apologize. She had failed… he had been harmed…
…she was useless.
Shinji's undamaged eye met one of Rei's for a moment, and she drew a sharp breath, stunned at the empty look in that formerly sparkling blue orb. She steadied herself, pressing her forehead to the glass and mouthing, 'I am here,' as Shinji continued to stare at her.
It was difficult for her not to look away as emotions she had been taught to suppress her entire life now flowed unchecked, making her feel weak and powerless.
I will not weep, she told herself sternly, I may not weep. I am responsible for this.
If Shinji could see the unshed tears glittering in Rei's eyes, or hear her barely whispered assurance that she was still there, he made no sign… he merely stared at her unblinkingly as the doctors finished their examination. It was only twenty-nine hours since the Angel of Might had fallen and been partially consumed by the raging Unit 02, but to Rei it felt like forever. She had not slept, had not eaten – had barely been able to breathe since the rescue team had extracted her from Unit 00's cold plug.
The guilt she felt was enormous. How could she have failed? Her one purpose in life was to pilot EVA – to defend the one she loved… how could she have let this happen?
"Miss Ayanami?"
Rei looked away from Shinji reluctantly as a doctor approached her, tucking a clipboard under one arm as he studied her profile. "I'm Doctor Kobayashi," he said politely. "You can call me Akito, if you would like. I understand that you are… close to Pilot Ikari?"
Rei nodded. "Yes, Doctor Kobayashi, I am his…" she hesitated, then looked back to Shinji, finishing simply, "I am his."
Kobayashi nodded. "I see… well, your commanding officer has authorized me to tell you of our findings, and, if you would like, to visit with-"
He cut himself off, taking an unconscious step back as Rei's head snapped back around to face him.
"Yes… tell me..." the young pilot said, her cool voice taking on a rather unpleasant, hungry edge. "I would… very much like to be with him."
The doctor stared at her for a minute, a bit taken aback by the sudden shift in the girl's attitude. "Alright…" he said slowly, pulling his clipboard out and referring to it as he spoke. "Your young friend is very lucky. We were able to save his eye in spite of the massive amount of damage to the socket. He could easily have been blinded." As Rei nodded, the man went on. "That was the only… physical damage past a few bumps and scrapes…"
Rei frowned slightly as the doctor trailed off. "What about… other damage…?"
The doctor's brown eyes met the First Child's red ones hesitantly. "There are some complications with his mental patterns," he said softly, "some irregularities, if you will. "He feels that he acted recklessly and that if he had thought over his actions more thoroughly, he could have changed the outcome… and saved more lives." He drew a deep breath, knowing that the girl would want to know everything. "As a result," he said, "and we don't know yet if it is because of this guilt or the blow to the head, or perhaps a combination of the two, but he's become distant… cold." He put her hand on Rei's shoulder, lowering his voice to a gentle whisper as he concluded, "He may not be as you remember him."
Rei nodded. "I understand…" she said quietly, "but I would still like to see him as soon as I can. I would… very much like to touch him…"
Looking awkward, the doctor stammered, "He shouldn't… I mean… I don't think he should be… that you should…"
Rei stared at him in silence for a moment. "It is not as you think," she whispered finally. "I need to touch him, doctor… to be in contact with him. I do not intend to make love to him… but I would like to touch him."
He does not know, she thought, looking back through the window, He does not grasp the need for physical contact. I'm sure he has had it all of his life…
The doctor nodded, not quite understanding the girl's urgency but knowing that it was important to her. "You can see him." He stopped Rei as she turned to go, "…but remember, he might be different than the last time you saw him."
Rei nodded and pulled away. "I know," she said smoothly, "but I do not care."
She opened the door to the intensive care unit and stepped inside, letting the door close quietly before the doctor could say anything else.
"Shinji…" she whispered, standing at the door a moment longer before coming all the way in. Somehow, she felt like she didn't belong – as if she was an intruder. I am not, she told herself firmly. I am his lover. It is proper for me to be here.
While she had spoken to the doctor, Shinji's eye had slipped closed and he now appeared to be sleeping. Quietly, Rei crossed the room and stood by his bed, reaching out hesitantly to touch his cheek. "I am here," she whispered, hoping that he was awake.
Shinji's eye slowly opened slowly and turned to regard her.
"Hello, Rei."
Though she tried not to let it, the coolness of his tone made Rei's throat clench so tightly that it was difficult to breathe. Forcing herself to produce a tiny smile, she sat down on the bed beside him. "How do you feel?" she asked, gently touching his cheek.
Shinji frowned slightly. "I feel… awful…" he admitted, "like I was run down by a truck." He averted his eye. "That would have been better," he said hollowly. "I couldn't protect you…."
Rei had to swallow before she could speak properly. "No…" she said, shaking her head for emphasis, "if you were gone… I would be alone, and I…"
Words failed her. She had no way to express what she felt for him. Their relationship had been grounded so much in the physical and emotional that she didn't know of another way to communicate with him, so she gave up on trying. Silently, she stood and triggered the release on her plugsuit, letting the pressure out of it and reaching for the releases at the throat and hip.
"What are you doing?"
Rei let the suit fall to the ground. "I would like to lie down with you," she whispered, shivering slightly in the cold of the room, "is that… unacceptable?"
For a horrifying moment, she thought he would nod… and knew that she would be lost if he did.
"No…" he said finally, "that's fine… though why you would want to I don't know."
"I will remind you…"
Slowly Rei pulled the covers back and slipped into the bed with him, resting her head on Shinji's chest and pressing herself up against him as tightly as she could.
"I want to stay with you, Shinji," she whispered, "would that be alright?"
It hurt her to ask. He was hers, and she was his… but as the doctor had said, Shinji was not himself – one look into his cool, lifeless eyes would be enough to see that – so she did as she must.
"I don't mind," Shinji answered replied, "but I don't see why you would want to waste your time on such a pathetic, worthless little b-"
Gently, Rei put her hands on either side of his face, pressing her lips to his and sliding over carefully until she was resting on top of him. "Do not," she whispered as she broke away, "do not say that you are worthless… you are more valuable to me than anything in this world."
Shinji smiled – a vague, pale shadow of his former carefree grin, but a smile nonetheless.
"Thank you, Ayanami."
Rei nodded, wishing that the smile had reached his eye rather than staying only on his lips.
"You do not have to thank me," she said quietly, feeling the exhaustion she had held at bay for the last day stealing over her, "I love you."
Rei let her eyes close, staying on top of the one she loved as she drifted off to sleep… and dreaming of once again seeing warmth in his eyes.
( 0 0 0 )
"I'm not going anywhere," Touji said flatly. "I'm staying right here, so back off."
'Here' was the cage of Unit 02, where Evangelion Unit 02 was wrapped in heavy bandages and restrained by many locking bolts… though it had not so much as twitched since the incident.
"Touji," Misato said firmly, "you've been here for a week… even Shinji and Rei have gone home now."
This was barely true, considering that she had signed Shinji's release papers less than an hour before coming to check on Touji. She wondered Rei could take what had happened. She had become slowly more and more emotionally active as she had spent time with Shinji, becoming more human as their love had grown… and now, because of EVA, he had become like she had been before: cold, distant, and almost entirely devoid of emotion.
Misato knew that, had it been her, she would have been a hysterical, sobbing wreck by the second day.
Rei had rarely left Shinji's side for his eight-day stint in the hospital while his body healed, though unlike Touji she HAD taken the time to shower and change clothes. Touji simply refused to go anywhere, stating flatly that he would be there when Asuka got out, and that she would come back… she had promised him she would.
"She can see me," Touji whispered suddenly, "that's what it seems like."
Misato studied him for a moment. "Do you love her, Touji?" she asked softly, trying to decipher the look in the boy's tired eyes.
"Whatever," the Fourth Child snorted. "Like it'd matter if I did."
"Pardon?" his reply caught Misato off guard. "What do you mean?"
Touji shrugged. "I don't know…" he said softly. "I don't even know what I'm saying."
After a moment, he sighed. "The longer she's been gone," he said, "the more I think about her never coming back…" his voice dropped to a whisper, "and the more I think of that… the more I think that I could be ok with it…"
"Touji," the purple-haired woman said hesitantly, "that's… that's just fear. You're trying to pretend that if she doesn't come back, it won't bother you… and-"
"No…" he cut her off quietly, "you're wrong…" he looked up at Unit 02, then shook his head slowly. "I feel…"
"Go on," Misato prompted as he trailed off.
"Fine," he snapped, rounding on the older woman with a look of anger and confusion so stark she took a step back, "I feel fine, ok? I should care, shouldn't I?" He shook his head violently, his voice taking on a desperate edge as he said, "She saved my life for God's sake! Shouldn't I care that she's gone? Shouldn't it bother me that I might never get to see her again? Shouldn't it?"
Before the operations director could reply, he lowered his eyes, staring at the floor.
"It doesn't, Major…" he whispered. "The more I think about it, the more I think that I could go on just fine if she never came back… " he raised his head to face her again, his eyes wet with unshed tears. "We used to hate each other, but when I became a pilot, we kinda got to be friends. What kind of friend doesn't even care if you live or die, Major…?"
Misato shifted uncomfortably, but as she opened her mouth to reply, a rusty, tired sounding voice grumbled, "Can you keep it down? I'm trying to sleep here…"
Touji and Misato's heads whipped around so fast it was a wonder their necks did not break – and considering the fact that they were staring at a very dazed-looking, and completely naked, Asuka Langly Souryu, their surprise was well warranted.
Misato rushed forward, dropping to her knees to catch the redhead as her eyes rolled back, showing all white. The operations director noticed, with the part of her brain not occupied with shouting for help, that sometime during her conversation with Touji, Unit 02's entry plug had spun silently out. Footprints of LCL could clearly be seen leading from the open hatch to where Asuka had fallen into her arms, and in spite of the fact that every system in the cages was rigged to set off an alarm at the first sign of activity in Unit 02, there had been not a single peep from any of them.
Fucking computers, Misato thought, halfway between rage at the system failure and wonder that she was actually holding a living, breathing Child where there had been nothing but vague comments about primordial soup and ego borders for over a week.
Touji was at her side in a moment, blushing brightly as he helped hoist the naked girl up. "Lemme have your jacket," he muttered uncomfortably, "she'll lose her mind if she wakes up like this…"
"Amen to that," Misato said fervently, slipping her jacket off one sleeve at a time to keep supporting Asuka. "There," she said softly, hesitating for a moment before giving Touji a conspiratorial grin. "Hey…"
"Huh?"
Misato winked.
"Wanna see something cool?"
Leaning forward, she slammed her palm down on a large, red button, setting off a rather strident alarm… and within minutes, the entire cage was flooded with technicians, medics, security officers, and NERV employees of every kind, swarming Unit 02 and Asuka like rabid fans rushing the roadies at a rock concert.
This was, Touji had to admit… pretty cool.
( 0 0 0 )
Rei sighed and rolled over in bed, staring intently at the shadowed form at her side. "Shinji," she whispered tentatively, "are you awake?"
Shinji turned to face her, his listless blue eyes reflecting his weariness. "Yeah," he yawned, "can't get to sleep…"
The First Child nodded, reaching out to tentatively touch his cheek. She knew it would not mean anything to him in his current emotionless state, but she felt it was important to maintain contact no matter how withdrawn he was.
Besides… it meant something to her.
"Did the doctors find anything new?" she asked softly, knowing the answer already but wanting to hear him talk to her.
The sound of his voice, though rather monotone these days, was still pleasant to her ears.
"No," he replied calmly, "they still believe my condition is reversible, but that I have to be the one to do it. I guess when the angel hit Unit 01 in the head, it caused feedback… but they can't find permanent damage, so they think it's a psychological block."
Rei nodded.
The only reason he was in bed with her was because he had been told – by Misato, much to Rei's relief – that it was where he should be. The purple-haired woman had firmly, but quietly, told Shinji that it was his place to be with Rei. Shinji had not had a strong opinion about it one way or the other, which had hurt Rei more than she would have thought.
He is not himself, she thought once again, he remembers being with me, but does not feel the emotions that he used to, so he does not feel the urge to continue to be with me…
The thought made her infinitely sad.
"I understand that Asuka will recover in a few days time," Rei said quietly, wishing that he would touch her in some way.
Shinji nodded absently, staring up at the ceiling. "Has she woken up yet?"
"No," Rei murmured, "not that I am aware of… though Suzuhara is with her most of the time, so I am sure she will not awaken alone."
"That's good," Shinji observed, "they seem to be getting along pretty well lately."
Rei nodded, and after another moment of silence, she raised her head, staring into Shinji's eyes for a long, long time.
"May I kiss you, Shinji…?"
It hurt her to ask.
After all they had endured together, she should not have had to ask.
"…sure, if you want."
Repressing a sad sigh, Rei gave him a light, gentle kiss, wishing that – like Sleeping Beauty – it would somehow wake him from his stupor. Shinji returned the kiss, but with a ghost of his former passion… a memory movement born of nothing more than remembered responses and ingrained motions.
It came very close to breaking Rei's heart.
"Hold me for a while…?"
Shinji put his arms around her, returning his gaze to the ceiling as she lowered her head down onto his chest and closed her eyes.
"Try to sleep," she advised, kissing his side as she twined her fingers with his, "things will be better tomorrow…"
"Alright…"
Long after she was asleep, Shinji was still gazing upward, trying to force some type of emotional response from his addled mind. Logically, he could see that Rei was hurting, and while it did not generate an emotional response, it did garner a reasonable one.
Sadly, for emotion, the best he could muster was a faint stirring in his breast, ironically brought about by thoughts of his father.
How strange, he thought as he finally closed his eyes, for love… nothing. For hate…
The thought went unfinished as sleep claimed him almost instantly.
( 0 0 0 )
Asuka's eyes slowly rolled open, and she looked around, not entirely surprised to find herself flat on her back in the infirmary. Since starting her tenure as pilot in Tokyo-3, it was a place she seemed to see far too much of, be it for herself or someone she knew.
In all honesty, she was starting to get a little sick of it.
"You're finally up…"
"Ahh, the third stooge…" she yawned, stretching her unused muscles, "s'up?"
Touji smiled, though Asuka thought he looked pale. "You were gone a long time…" he said, unable to meet her eyes. "Thought you were gone for good."
"Thought, or hoped?" Asuka quipped, pushing herself upright only after making sure she was wearing a hospital gown.
No sense in giving the stooge a glimpse of something he was never going to get his hands on, after all.
Oddly, this barb did not lighten the mood. "That's not funny," Touji muttered, rubbing absently at his ribs. "I was really worried."
Asuka snorted. "God, why?" she asked, shaking her head in disgust, "I'm not a baby, dumbass… I had it all under control."
"Was that before or after you got Unit 02's arm cut off?" Touji asked dubiously. "And I'm sure, your tactical genius being what it is, that getting blown into Tang was all part of your master plan."
"Hey, I got the job done," Asuka shrugged. "Didja miss me?"
"Er… y-yeah…"
"Well that's sincere," Asuka grumbled.
Touji flushed. He had never been good at lying, and wasn't quite sure why he had even bothered trying. "While you were gone…" he began slowly, unable to meet her eyes, "I did a lot of thinking…"
"Did you hurt yourself?"
He smiled bleakly. "Very funny," he retorted… though he did feel marginally better.
"What is it?"
Scratching the back of his neck, Touji remembered Misato's warning about overcompensating for his lack of concern when Asuka woke up… and he promptly ignored it.
"I was thinking… we should go out…"
Asuka stared at him for a long, long moment… and burst out laughing.
"W-what?" Touji asked. "Why's that funny?"
The redhead could barely catch her breath. "Oh… oh that's rich! Y-you… and m-me…? Hahah – good one, Suzuhara!"
Touji did not look amused.
"Why is that so goddamn funny?" he demanded angrily. "You're not God's Gift, you know!"
Wiping a tear of laughter from her eye, Asuka finally got herself under control. "Get over yourself, stooge," she sighed, lacing her hands behind her head and closing her eyes. "I don't date immature losers – especially ones who don't know anything about me. No need to get all pissy, ya freak… we've just got nothing in common."
Truculently, Touji muttered, "We might, you don't know…"
Asuka shrugged slightly. "Don't push it, Suzuhara," she said quietly, "you've just got me thinking you're kind of ok… don't mess it up by trying to see something that isn't there."
Clenching his hands into fists, Touji abruptly leaned forward and clamped his mouth over Asuka's, closing his eyes even as hers shot open and forcing her head back down onto her pillow as he tried to push his tongue past her tightly closed lips. When he finally pulled away, he found Asuka's face impassive and neutral, staring up at the ceiling as if waiting for him to be done.
"Is that supposed to impress me?"
Touji opened his mouth, but Asuka lifted one hand, cutting him off as effectively as if she'd slapped him across the face.
"Is it out of your system now?" she asked coolly, pushing up onto her elbows to allow her to stare at Touji's face. "Are you going to tell everyone about this, Fourth Child…? Brag that you snuck a kiss off me? Go ahead, if you want – it's not like anyone would believe you anyway…"
"No," Touji muttered, "I wouldn't do that…"
Asuka grabbed one of her pillows, tucking it under the back of her neck as she settled back into bed. "I'm going to forget this happened," she said smoothly, "chalk it up to you being all busted up and emotional and shit… but just so you know? This little 'experience' or whatever you wanna call it? …just lost you the chance to ever kiss me for real. Think about it, Suzuhara – think about it hard."
Touji rose to his feet, struggling to come up with something pithy or wry to say.
Unfortunately, since he really had no good explanation for why he had tried to kiss her, nothing came to mind. Ultimately, he just turned away, starting for the door without saying a word.
"Hey… Suzuhara…"
Touji came to a halt, wishing he had run for the door instead of walking. "What?"
Asuka's voice was surprisingly warm as she whispered, "Maybe you should look around for someone that actually wants to kiss your sorry ass…"
"What are you talking about?" the boy muttered.
Throwing one arm over her eyes, Asuka yawned. "Open your eyes, stooge," she said softly. "What you're looking for? What you tried to see in me? It's right in front of your big, stupid face."
Touji had no idea what the redhead was talking about.
"Yeah, sure…"
As he pushed the door open, he nearly ran into Hikari.
"Oh, hey Suzuhara," the class rep said brightly, "is she awake yet?"
Touji nodded curtly. "Yeah, she's up," he said flatly, "cold as fucking ice, but up…"
Hikari simply stared, perplexed, as Touji walked off down the hall, and had Touji been paying any attention at all, he might have seen the perplexity slowly change into longing and adoration. Of course… he did not, and after a moment, Hikari's face was once again bright and smiling as she pushed the door to Asuka's room open and strode confidently in to greet her friend.
( 0 0 0 )
"So," Misato said briskly, "first order of business – I want to welcome Asuka back to the land of the living."
The redhead waved absently as a polite round of applause rose from the gathered NERV personnel, keeping her eyes on the manga she was reading as if the status update meeting held absolutely no appeal to her.
"Second," Misato went on, "I'd like to report that Shinji has been given the green light to pilot again, so we are back to full strength, and as soon as Suzuhara's bandages come off, we'll even be one-up."
"What about Unit 02?" Asuka asked, flipping the page in her comic without raising her head. "Is it combat ready yet?"
It had been a week since she had been recovered, during which time, the redhead had wasted no time in… wasting time. She seemed disinterested in just about every topic of discussion, except EVA, and spent most of her time reading or watching television. She still interacted with her friends at school, but when she was at NERV or the apartment, she had very little to say to anyone.
She was not cold like Shinji – she just didn't want to talk to anyone… least of all any of her fellow pilots, a detail that did not go unmissed by the rest of the command staff.
"Unit 02 is still under repair," Ritsuko said smoothly, "though until we can ascertain if there are side-effects from it… attacking the angel the way it did, it will be deemed unpilotable."
Everyone shifted uncomfortably as Asuka slowly lifted her gaze from the manga. "Oh…?"
"This can't come as a surprise," Ritsuko said dryly, "you had Unit 02 eat part of the angel – did you think that wouldn't affect it at all?"
"I didn't have it do anything," Asuka retorted archly, "how many times do I have to tell you that? God, for a genius scientist, you're kind of a dumba-"
"Anyway," Misato cut in, giving Asuka a warning glance, "Unit 02 is unusable until the repairs are complete anyway… so until then, just consider yourself on standby."
Asuka pursed her lips. "Fan-fucking-tastic," she grumbled, turning her attention back to her reading. "Ground your best pilot – there's a good idea."
"It's not out of choice," Misato said stiffly, "and whoever said you were the best – oh why am I even talking to you?" Turning her attention to the other Children, she said, "Does anyone else have any questions before we start today's sync tests?"
Shinji and Rei both shook their heads, but Touji had to be prodded before replying, "No, I'm cool…"
"Are you?" Misato countered lightly, "You've been kind of out of it since…"
She let the thought trail off.
Touji had been decidedly disagreeable since the day of Asuka's return, though why, Misato did not know. She's back now, kid, she thought as Touji shifted in his seat, everything's fine. Well, everything but Shinji, but that's another story.
She stole a surreptitious look at the Third, but quickly looked away, shuddering as she found his listless eyes gazing her way. It was strange, she thought, that he still looked and sounded the same… he just could not express emotional responses.
Even Rei wasn't like this, Misato mused as she dismissed everyone. At least she showed emotion SOMEtimes. The doctors said it started because of the pulse backflow, but now…
"Hey Shinji?" she called impulsively, "Can you wait a minute?"
Shinji turned around. "Sure, Misato, what is it?"
Rei, of course, stayed at Shinji's side.
Waiting until the others filed out – with Asuka, her nose still stuck in her manga, being the last, Misato looked the boy up and down. "How are you feeling?" she asked cautiously.
"I'm fine," came Shinji's polite reply, "and you?"
"Oh, good, good," Misato laughed nervously, "just… doing my thing – you know."
"Ah."
From the corner of her eye, Misato noticed that Rei was watching her very closely. Easy there, tiger, she thought wryly, I'm not going to hurt him.
"How's the apartment?"
Shinji considered this question. "It's good," he said finally, "the air conditioning got fixed, so it's not too hot… and Rei's bed is very comfortable, so everything's fine."
At this comment, Rei looked uncomfortable, and Misato – who was not, in spite of her seemingly carefree attitude, an idiot, surmised that Shinji was not alone in said bed.
"Well that's good," she said lightly, choosing to let the topic of cohabitation go for the time being.
She doubted Shinji was capable of being excited in his state, and in all honesty, Misato could not have cared less if the two were having wild, all night drinking parties ending in furious, sweat-soaked orgies… as long as both piloted and killed angels when she needed them.
The drive for vengeance was funny that way.
"Let me know if you need anything," she said brightly, shooing him away, but grasping Rei's arm as the First turned to follow. "How is he really?"
Rei glanced at the door as it slowly slid closed. "The same."
"Is there anything I can do?"
Slowly shaking her head, Rei replied, "I do not think so, but if anything comes to mind, I will let you know."
Misato smiled, ruffling Rei's hair. "You're doing great," she said warmly, "keep it up, Rei… he'll be back to normal in no time."
"Y-yes…" Rei stammered, blushing faintly at the contact as she bowed her way out of the room.
Sighing deeply, Misato let her forced smile go and walked over to one of the chairs, throwing herself down and propping her feet up on the conference table. Shinji, Shinji, Shinji, she thought tiredly, what am I going to do with you? The damage is healed, the doctors told me… why can't you let yourself feel again? I know it's hard, especially right now, but-
"I thought I might find you here."
Misato looked up as the door slid open and Kaji came into the room. "Hey," she said listlessly, "what do you need?"
Kaji shrugged. "Need?" he echoed. "Nothing. Want…? Now that's another story."
"Har har," Misato drawled. "In case you couldn't tell, I'm not in the mood."
"Haven't been for a few years," Kaji replied, taking the seat next to the purple-haired woman, "talk about playing hard to get."
Misato smiled faintly. "Stop hitting on me," she said wearily, "I'm too tired to fight with you."
"That's the best time!" Kaji exclaimed with a wink. "Come on – how many crappy pickup lines do I have to throw out before you fall into my arms and profess your undying love for me?"
Though she rolled her eyes, Misato found herself grinning. "About a hundred…" she said, pausing for effect, "thousand."
"Ouch!" Kaji complained. "That's a steep figure! I better get started. Hey, nice shoes – wanna fu-"
Misato reached out, putting a finger against his lips.
"Not now."
As Misato pulled her hand back, Kaji grabbed her wrist, keeping it close enough to his mouth to kiss the tip of her finger. "Don't overdo it, Katsuragi," he said quietly, "everyone has a breaking point… and I know you well enough to see that you're pretty damn close to it. It's Shinji, isn't it…?"
Misato rubbed her face with her free hand. "It's that," she confirmed. "It's Asuka, it's Touji – it's everything and everyone involved in this godforsaken project. Every time I think things are finally evening out, something else comes along and shakes everything up again. God, I need a day off."
She closed her eyes as Kaji rose to his feet and stood behind her chair, gently massaging her shoulders.
"Don't do that," she whispered, tilting her neck forward in spite of her warning and laying her hands flat on the table as Kaji carefully worked at her tense muscles. "Kaji, please… not now…"
"Yeah, now," Kaji said evenly, keeping one hand working on her neck as he ran the other through her long, dark hair. "Stop fighting me, Katsuragi. We're not the kids we were, I know that… so let's try being the adults we should be – together."
"Mmm sounds nice," Misato sighed, "but I really-"
She was cut off as Kaji turned her chair around and leaned down, tilting her chin up with his forefinger and giving her a soft, intense kiss.
"Stop… fighting me…"
Misato bowed her head. "Can't help it," she whispered, "it's the way I am now, Kaji… what we had was a long time ago. Let it go."
Kaji crouched in front of her chair, putting his hands on her knees as he stared into her eyes.
"Never."
"Stubborn bastard," Misato hissed, tearing her gaze away from his before she lost her will, "you said it yourself – we were kids then… we didn't know what love was."
A razor thin smile curved Kaji's lips. "Past is past," he agreed, "big deal… we're here now, we're not kids anymore… take that day off, Katsuragi – time's running out, you know that, don't you? Let's take what we can, while we can… because no one's going to give it to us."
Misato rose to her feet, forcing Kaji to step back. "I've… gotta get to the Pribnow box," she said awkwardly, "bye."
Kaji caught her hand as she tried to leave, shoving a key into her palm as he whispered, "I never lock the top lock…"
Pulling her hand away, Misato hurried out of the room without looking back.
( 0 0 0 )
Ritsuko flicked her lighter several times, cursing as the wheel spit out sparks, but did not produce any flame. "Fuck," she whispered, "give me a light, can you…? There's a pack of matches on the bedside table."
Absently, Gendou picked up the little cardboard book and tossed it in Ritsuko's general direction.
Watching it sail over her head, Ritsuko sighed and rubbed her eyes. "Gee, thanks…"
"Mm," Gendou hummed, keeping his eyes on the laptop resting on the bed next to him.
Tossing back the covers, Ritsuko padded across the floor, scooping the book up and folding the cover back to pull out one of the paper matches. "Empty," she said quietly, "figures." Regarding her unlit cigarette for a moment, she asked, "Can't you put that away?"
Gendou ignored her.
Biting her bottom lip, Ritsuko looked down at her body. No bruises, she thought critically, no scrapes… no scratches… hmm. He must be in a good mood.
It was sad, she thought as she slipped back into bed, that she could gauge the man's state of mind by how much he injured her when they made love.
If you could even call it that.
"Do you love me?"
Gendou's hands hesitated in their rapid movement.
"Do you, Gendou…?"
Lifting his eyes from the glowing TFT, Gendou murmured, "Must we discuss this now?"
Ritsuko leaned back on one of the pillows. "I'd like to," she countered carefully, "every time I bring it up… you change the subject."
Gendou looked back to the computer. "That's only because you only want to discuss it when there's something more important to be done," he said evenly. "Let's talk about it tomorrow."
"But I want to talk about it now," Ritsuko countered, leaning across the bed and gently kissing him on the arm. "Please, Gendou? We've been together for… God, it's been years. Don't I deserve to know how you feel about me…?"
"I've told you before," Gendou said dismissively.
"Not for a while."
"But you know how I feel."
"Can't you just say it to make me happy?"
Gendou ground his teeth. "You're acting childish."
"I deserve to sometimes," Ritsuko replied, "please, Gendou – put the laptop away for one night, ok? Just… just be with me."
Folding the laptop closed, Gendou got to his feet.
"I'll be leaving now," he said coolly, "I'll come back when you're not acting petulant."
"Wait," Ritsuko said, quickly grabbing his hand, "don't… please, I'm sorry… come back to bed – I won't ask again…"
Pathetic, she thought as Gendou slowly got back under the covers and reopened the laptop. I think I must be the most pathetic woman in the world – begging, actually BEGGING… to hear some meaningless words from a man I know couldn't care less for me.
She had known for some time, of course, that Gendou did not love her… but that was ok, as long as she could pretend. To her, hearing those words was like fuel for her denial engine – as long as he kept saying it, the engine could keep running. She could keep deceiving herself for years and years if he would only say the words…
Just one night, she thought tiredly, why can't I have all of you for just one-
"Ritsuko?"
"Hmm?"
"…I love you."
Ritsuko shivered.
This time, the words were not quite enough.
A dangerous threshold had been crossed inside Ritsuko's unstable heart – a line so fine she had not even been aware of its existence, crossed so subtly that she would not even be aware of her discontent until Gendou had dressed and left her apartment.
Somehow, even though she had whispered, 'I love you too,' it seemed fake and plastic, holding none of the weight it once did.
As she lay in her bed, considering the tip of her finally-lit cigarette, Ritsuko slowly came to a crossroads… and chose her path. If things did not change within the next seventy-two hours, several things were going to happen. A favor was going to be called in, for one thing… as well as several other, minor little details…
Yes, she decided, seventy-two hours seemed like a nice, round number. Enough time to plan… enough time to make one last vie for his affections…
…one last chance to keep her love from turning to ash.
Continued…
Author's Notes: I had to rewrite Shinji's dialogue and mannerisms like, a billion times in this chapter. For some reason, it was really hard to walk the line between being emotionless and being amnesiac… criminy, I don't even think I used that word right – but the point is I kept writing Shinji as "Wait, why am I in your bed?" when he should have been, "Should I care that I'm in your bed?" Other than that, this chapter was remarkably easy to write. Everything just fell into place, from Touji's sudden, guilty clinginess, to Asuka's annoyance with everyone around her, it all came together.
Yay writing.
Pre-reading on this chapter was done by LeperMessiah and Akodo Tim. Thanks fellas – I am gonna get you a nice fruit basket.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.