Okay...so there is absolutely no limit on the amount of times I need to apologize for waiting this long to update...-I am really really really sorry-...from writer's block to way too many ideas for other stories, I kind of just neglected this one...and everytime I read the last chapter I coulnd't think of anything and I chose to just leave it becasue the way I ended 25 could have been the end of the whole story...but it's not. I went to post this on another board and wound up reading the story all the way through and something just clicked and I wrote an update...finally...lol. So please don't kill me becasue I know nothing I could write is worth the wait and I promise to never wait this long again before updating this story...but this is not waht you wanted to read so, without further ado...I give you Chapter 26!
It's been two months since she admitted that she was scarred and lonely. Two months since she lay in bed with her daughter tucked safely between her and Lucas. Two months since her first real family moment. Now she's sitting in front of her vanity…the one that's been moved into Lucas's room…just like the rest of her things. She ran her fingers through her thinning curls. Her hair was getting darker now…she was told not to dye it anymore because of the radiation…not that she had the energy to do it anyway.
Lucas and Alex had gone grocery shopping about half an hour ago…she hadn't slept well the night before so he told her to stay home. She didn't argue with him…just thanked him before climbing back into bed. But sleep wouldn't come so she had showered and gotten dressed. Her skin was slowly getting paler each day, her face had turned a ghostly white with the exception of her slightly flushed cheeks. She gripped her brush tightly as she ran it through her hair. She held the brush in front of her and bit back tears as she glanced at the abnormal amount of hair that was tangled in the bristles. She ran her fingers through her hair again and couldn't stop a few tears from escaping when she looked at the strands of light brown hair clinging to her hands. Her arms hung limply at her sides as she dropped her hands into her lap.
"Hey" the quiet voice caused Peyton to look up, and through her mirror she saw a girl she hadn't spoken to and had barley seen since the day she collapsed in the hospital parking lot. Haley offered a friendly smile that Peyton didn't return. Instead the blonde hung her head low. It wasn't that she didn't want Haley there…she wasn't mad at her or anything, just distressed. She was also slightly hurt that it had been over a month and Haley had made an effort to talk to her.
"I completely understand if you're pissed off and you hate me now, but Nathan said I needed to come over here and see you…that I needed to talk to you." The brunette played with her hands as she bit her bottom lip. "So he called Luke last night and asked him to take Alex out of the house today and this morning he dropped me off and left…so now I'm here. And I have so much I wanna say and so many things that I wanna know but I…I just don't know where to start…or if you're even willing to talk to me anymore." Peyton looked up to Haley with tears sliding slowly down her cheeks. The petite brunette was the only one she hadn't made amends with since her return. Nathan had hugged her, apologized and promised to be there for her when he helped Lucas move all her things into the master bedroom.
She closed her eyes and put her head back down. "So I guess I'll just do downstairs and wait for Lucas to get back" Haley gave a sad smile as she turned around and began walking out of the room.
"Guess what" Haley turned back around to find Peyton looking at her through the mirror, a forced smile on her face. "My hair is falling out" Tears burned in her eyes as she watched Haley's lips part slightly. The brunette walked over to the vanity and sat on the bench next to the thin blonde. The two girls looked at each other, Peyton's lips beginning to quiver. Her hazel eyes closed as she fell in Haley's open arms, tears sliding rapidly from her eyes and her body racked with heavy sobs.
It was a just under a hour later that the two friends found themselves laying side by side on the bed, both their eyes burning a bright red and water occasionally slipping form their eyes. "I'm sorry I haven't come by…I mean I should've been here for you and I wasn't." Haley folded her hands over her stomach and glanced quickly at the curly headed blonde.
"Haley I understand that you were still upset…and you had every right to be pissed off and mad at me. I'm still trying to get my head around how everyone else forgave me so quickly…" she shook her head and let out a heavy sigh.
"But I haven't mad for a long time Peyt…at least not at you. I was mad at myself for not knowing…and then as more time passed I got mad at myself for not sucking it up and just coming to see you."
"How were you supposed to know…"
"I've always been able to pick up on things…but something as big as this and I had know clue. I felt like I betrayed you in some way. I was supposed to be you're friend and I wasn't there for you through this…through any of it. I was too wrapped up in my own life and trying to convince you to come home or let me tell you about Lucas to notice that something was wrong…to notice that you needed me and I wasn't there. I spoke to you every week for three years Peyton…there's no way I should've missed this."
"Hales you can't pick up on everything over the phone…it's not possible." The two girls turned to look at each other, each with the same sullen expression on their face. "I went out of my way to make sure you never knew…about this or about Alex"
"That's the other thing I never got…I just can't fathom how you hid a baby and then a toddler every week. How was it that she never cried or never called out to you while we were on the phone? Do you know how hard I tried to pick up on the sounds that surround you during our conversations, just hoping that one of them would give me a clue as to where you ran off to. I was straining to hear something, anything…and I never picked up on Alex…not once did I even think I heard a little girl."
"She was either in her room or sleeping…I made sure you didn't find out about her…" they both stayed quiet for the next few minutes…two sets of eyes focused intently on the ceiling.
"I lied" it was Haley who broke the silence, causing Peyton to turn and look at her. "When I said I stopped being mad at you…I was still made after we all found out you were sick. It wasn't about the same things though…it was because you didn't trust me enough to tell me about anything. You were the only real friend I had in high school other then Lucas. I told you everything, I confided in you even when you were miles away. You were the one person that I could tell anything to…but you didn't feel like you could tell me about the two most important aspects of your life."
"Hales…I'm sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way"
"I know you didn't…but it still hurts Peyton…it hurt that you wouldn't tell me where you were…and it hurt when I found out that you had spent three years lying to me…that you fathomed this whole other life that excluded two major details and you fed me that lie over and over again."
"Haley…"
"And it hurt when you left…you didn't just leave Brooke and Lucas…you left me too. I remember the night of the away game and you gave me a ride home. The first time we hung out and I realized you weren't like the other people in that crowed. I also remember thinking that we were never gunna speak to each other again after that…like that night was a one time thing that only happened because you felt bad for me and because no one else was around to see popular Peyton hanging out with the tutor or Lucas's little tag along. But then that day when you actually spoke to me in school…Peyton I was so excited because I had a friend that wasn't Lucas or the guys from the River Court. I was finally gunna be able to do all the things girls were supposed to do in high school. As childish as it was I was looking forward to sleepovers where we could watch movies, pig out on junk food and gush about who we thought was hot. And I knew that you already had a best friend…that you and Brooke probably did that stuff every weekend, but I would've been happy being able to just do that once with you. I couldn't exchange make-up tips with Lucas, or get fashion advice from him…or trade clothes or any of that other girly stuff that I wanted so bad and never got because my best friend was a guy…a great guy that I wouldn't trade for the world…but a guy nonetheless."
"I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry…I never really thought about it like that Haley. I would've loved to do that stuff with you too…but everything just happened so fast…I fell for Lucas…he got with Brooke…the cheating happened…then Brooke found out and then two days later I found out I was pregnant. I went to tell Lucas and Brooke was telling him that she was pregnant. It was just too much for me to handle...too much happened in less than two months for me to deal with. The night I left all I was thinking about was making sure I didn't completely ruin Luke's life by telling him that he had two children on the way, by two different women. So I pushed him and Brooke together and after I did that I didn't have any one to go…I couldn't put that on you…it wouldn't have been fair. And what was I gunna do when I started showing and people started asking questions…I couldn't ask you to lie for me…to lie to your best friend. I would never have asked you to carry a secret like that…to know I was carrying Luke's child and expect you to talk to him everyday and never be able to tell him…so I left. It wasn't because I didn't trust you Haley…I did trust you and that's why I kept in touch with you…why you were the only one I stayed in touch with…I mean other than Nathan who found out when you moved in together. Aside from Amy, Hales you were my best friend for those three years, and even before I left, I started to consider you one of my best friends…there were things I could talk to you about that I would never be able to tell Brooke without her judging me. Brooke didn't take things seriously back then…it was just the way she was…I was just as excited to have you as a friend Hales…don't ever think that I wasn't." She watched as the petite girl turned to face her with a small smile gracing her features.
"That's really good to hear…" she wiped the tears from under her eyes before turning back to face the ceiling. "So how are you…I know its probably a stupid question…but…"
"It's not a stupid question and to be honest I'm not doing so well. I can't talk to Luke about it because it hurts too much…its hurts him and me. I can't go to Brooke because she refuses to believe that anything is wrong…she's convinced that this is all going to just go away soon and I couldn't bear to break her hopes like that. They both think everything's okay and its not Hales. No matter what medication they put me on or what treatment they try…nothing ever works."
"I'm sorry…I can't even imagine what you're going through. I mean I know how hard this has to be…"
"No you don't…I mean I'm glad and I pray that you never understand how I'm feeling…but you don't know how hard this is…" They turned to look at each other again.
"You're right…I may know that it's hard…but I don't know how hard and I don't know what you're feeling. I just…I wish I could help you…"
"I'm just so tired of trying new treatments…of getting my hopes up when they start working, only to have my body to reject one after the other, time and time again. I'm not sure if I can do it anymore" she hadn't admitted that to anyone before…that everyday she was thinking more and more about giving up.
"Things will start to look up soon Peyt…they've got to"
"But that's the thing…they don't have to look up. A long time ago…when I first got sick…I came to terms with a concept that none of you seem to be able to grasp…I'm dying…the treatments don't work for me and if they don't find something that does work soon…Haley…I'm gunna die."
"Don't say that" Haley shut her eyes tightly…no matter how right Peyton was, the brunette refused to admit it…one of her best friends was not gunna die…at least not anytime soon.
"But it's true…let's be realistic about it…I mean…what is denying the inevitable really gunna do to help things." The petite girl had no answer…she knew ignoring the facts was only going to make things harder for everyone. She wanted so badly to be as optimistic as Brooke and Lucas…but she had always been a realist, this time was no different.
"Just don't give up, okay" She turned to face the blonde who kept her focus on the white ceiling.
"This is why I let her go Hales…I never wanted her to see me like this. It's the only reason Amy agreed to bring her here. God I was such a mess and I swore to myself that I would never let Alex see me this far down. I didn't come back here to stay and I hate Amy for making me stay. For forcing me into the same position I was trying to get out of. I only came back to see her…to keep my promise of coming back to see her…so I could say goodbye. I was supposed to spend some time with her and then leave…"
"Peyt…" the blonde sat up and rested her back against the headboard.
"No…you don't know what it's like to know your mother is dying and to have to sit there and watch it happen…to watch as the life slowly drains out of her…I didn't want Alex to go through that. I just wanted to make sure she was okay and then I was going back to Virginia and I was done with the endless treatments the just gave me and Amy false hope. But then things just went crazy…no one was ever supposed to know that I was here…that this was happening…I just wanted to see her." Tears were spilling rapidly from her eyes now and at some point Haley had sat up and managed to pull Peyton into her arms. It hurt to here those words leave her friends mouth…to know that she had really given up…that two months she had been ready to die.
"I'm sorry" it was all she could say…there were no words that could make this any better. Her eyes drifted towards the door…to the pair of pained blue eyes that belonged to her best friend….the boy that was holding a sleeping blue eyed blonde in his arms. He hadn't heard their conversation, just Haley apologizing for something. But seeing the girl he loved in so much distress hurt him more deeply than he thought possible. He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath before continuing down the hall towards his daughter's room.
He lays her body gently in the bed and removes her sneakers. His hand moves to her face and he moves a strand of hair behind her ear. "I love you" he has tears in his eyes as he bends down to drop a kiss on her forehead. He retreats out of the room, making sure to close the door quietly behind him. He walks back to his room…their room…to find Haley leaning against the doorframe. He lays a hand on her shoulder, startling her a bit.
"She cried herself to sleep…or maybe she passed out, I really don't know." She's grateful when he pulls her into his arms and she gladly lets her head fall against his chest. "It's been a long morning…"
"I know" he can feel her shaking her head against him.
"No…you have no idea" the dry laugh that escapes her lips is sad. She pulls away from him and motions for him to follow her downstairs. Ten minutes later the life long best friends find themselves in the kitchen, each with a cup of coffee in their hands.
"Are you glad you two talked…" he placed his mug down on the counter and glanced over at the brunette.
"Yeah…we just got a lot of things out in the open." She bit her lip as she traced the rim of the mug with her finger. He knew his best friend…all her nervous ticks…the things she does during conversation when she has something she really wants to say but really doesn't wanna say all at the same time.
"Haley…" his brow is arched when she looks up at him with a heavy sigh.
"What are you gunna do Luke…"
"What do you mean…do when…"
"When Alex comes home from school one day and Peyton isn't here"
"I'm gunna tell her where Peyton went"
"Stop being a smartass…what are you gunna say when your little girls comes home looking for her mother and she's no where to be found. When she comes home to find you and me and everyone else sitting in this very room crying…how are you gunna look her in the eye and tell her that things are suddenly different."
"I'm not gunna have to do that" his words were starting to sound bitter as he looked down at the marble counter he was leaning on.
"What if she's the one to find her…she goes into the room one morning and climbs in the bed and grips Peyton's shoulder but she doesn't wake up…what if…"
"Damnit Haley…will you just stop…that's not gunna happen…none of it is ever going to happen."
"But what if it does…what are you gunna do Luke." She had tears in her eyes again. His eyes were full of anger.
"Stop with the what ifs…"
"SHE'S DYING LUCAS" she hadn't meant to raise her voice, but she didn't know how else to get through to him. "Peyton is dying…and you can't wait until she's barley breathing in a hospital to realize that.
"We're all dying Hales" He looked at her as if she was the most naïve person in the world.
"Lucas…"
"She's not dying anytime soon…I have years…decades to come to grips with the fact that Peyton is going to die…that I'm going to die."
"I get that you love her, and I don't want her to go anymore than you do….but the truth of the matter is that she might not be here in a few weeks. For all you know Lucas, she might not wake up from the sleep she just fell into. One day you and Brooke both have to understand that…Nathan gets it…its why he was so adamant about me coming over here today."
"Haley…" he shook his head and rolled his eyes.
"She's tired Luke…she's…you can see it in her eyes…she's just genuinely tired…it's a scary fact…but its still a fact. She…" she stopped when he pointed his finger sternly in her face.
"So help me God Haley if you say another word about this…" he spoke through gritted teeth, trying desperately to keep his voice down. "She is not…do you hear me…she is not going to die" He dropped the half full mug in the sink, ignoring the sound of the shattering ceramic as he walked out of the kitchen, leaving the red eyed girl to cry silently.
Her eyes eventually shifted from her coffee to a familiar picture sitting on table in the hall. She didn't need to move any closer to see the details of the picture she had seen countless times before. It was an enlarged version of the photo in Alex's locket. Peyton with her arms wrapped tightly around the small blonde as she kneeled her at what appears to be a park. It was unnerving how different Peyton looked now…she hadn't even looked like the picture when she first showed back up in Tree Hill. Once again Haley couldn't understand how she didn't notice the extreme difference…it should have been hard to miss…it should have stood out from the first moment Haley saw her. She couldn't help but wonder if she had noticed…if she had know all along that something was wrong and was just too angry to actually care.
It's been two months since she admitted that she was scarred and lonely. Two months since she lay in bed with her daughter tucked safely between her and Lucas. Two months since her first real family moment. They haven't argued…so everyone just assumes they've become a happy little family. They don't realize that her laughs are empty and her heart is broken. They can't see that her eyes are blank and cold like a porcelain doll, or that she's drained physically and emotionally. They can't see that she's given up, that she's truly tired, a tired that no amount of sleep is going help. No one realizes that she completely torn…torn because part of her prays that one morning her eyes just won't open and part of her knows that she never wants her daughter to grow up the way she did…without a mother. And then there's another part of her that breaks every time she's about to pass out, or when she gets violently sick and has to spend half and hour on the bathroom floor…when she sees the pain, concern and love in his eyes, etched on his face. Its those moments when she finds strength from somewhere deep down inside of her because she knows she can't leave either of them…they both need her. But that strength that she pulls from the depths of her soul is slowly fading away and she's not sure what she's supposed to do when it runs out. She doesn't know what she's going to do when she has to look them all in the eye and force the truth down their throat…when she has to make them understand that they'll have to go on without her.